Tag Archives: accept yourself

The hardest love of all:

Is to love yourself.

I was thinking about my dad, and those few that don’t want me. I was finding the place of why unconditional love is important. I can not erase that any of them left their mark on my life or my heart. I can not undo the hurts left behind, and acknowledge that my perspective on everything was a large part of why I did get hurt. The frequent emotional and infrequent physical abuse of my father was because he didn’t know any better. He never learned better ways to handle things and no one ever taught him how to control himself. He was taught to rule with an iron fist and had no reason to do anything else. From his perspective he was teaching me valuable lessons. Decades later I have learned valuable lessons, but not the ones he intended.

If you can love the difficult ones to love, then everything else gets easier.

I accept that my father is who he is. He still helped bring me into this world and many of his actions helped me to make it through to adulthood. Even more, some of his better traits have helped me to be successful.

If I hold myself in anger or resentment for the negatives of my childhood I will wipe out and eliminate all of the good things from the same time period. “What fires together wires together.” (“What the bleep do we know” movie) If you practice a thought pattern it makes it harder and harder to reach thoughts that are different. Focusing on the negatives and hurts would make it harder and harder to reach any thoughts of love. That in turn would cause hurt for myself because I was focusing on the worst instead of the best, and creating more of the resulting negative chemical storm in my body.

Up until about 5 years ago I had a mix of thoughts and emotions, which leaned very negative. It was a large reason I battled depression so heavily. My brain had already wired itself to lean more negatively, and had done significant damage to my entire body.

As much as I have every right to carry anger, resentment, hate, even rage over my father and other hurtful situations, I have gotten to a place where it simply isn’t worth it. I respect myself enough to want health and healing, and all of those negatives hold me apart from that. Even past relationships that left me sad or disappointed are a hindrance to the healing I seek.

Over the last five years, thanks to a failed intense personal connection and a book from a therapist, I have slowly begun to shift my mix of thoughts to the more positive spectrum. I’m not perfect and I still very much have a mix. But my mix has crossed from originally imbalanced negative, to 50/50, to now I am imbalanced positively (a very good thing). To me that is a huge relief in my knowing. I am doing so much better than I was.

I am beginning to understand what it means to love myself. It is hard though.

My brain still wants to suck me back to negativity and depression, I have to work at focusing on better thoughts. It is not effortless, just not physically measurable. Most days I win the battle. Sometimes it is very challenging to just come out with the even split.

Then there are moments like the one that triggered this post.

I was trying to translate blog posts of another writer that had come across my blog. I was using Google translate fairly successfully. The second post I attempted to translate went haywire over halfway through. I believe that somehow the data was manipulated. There is the possibility my device has been hacked, I’ve considered that several times over. However, these moments are not in a trackable pattern, they don’t happen consistently. The sporadic nature of these moments leads me to believe the it is somehow caused by energetic or divine intervention. Anyway, essentially the translate function was working great and then 3 paragraphs were translated into 3 phrases which repeated. The one that stuck in my cogs was along the lines of: “it’s not that I don’t love you, I don’t love you, I don’t love you, I don’t love you”. Both of the other instances were the same glitch but different phrases, one about women and one about choices.

I instantly reacted in a particular negative way instantly wanting to connect it to the failed hopeful of a couple years ago that I had gotten so attached to. Then I caught myself and stepped back.

It’s not worth it.

So what they didn’t see me as valuable. So what they didn’t find love for me. So what that they left me hanging without the decency of an explanation or the truth of the things I knew they were hiding. So what they ghosted me and chickened out. So what they couldn’t even tell me to go Eff off. So what they came and went so many times I felt like I was being effed with.

Those are not truly my problems, they are theirs. Mine problem is mostly perspective and alignment. I used that moment of thought to realign.

I will still send my love because I felt them and God only encourages that for me when it is important. I often don’t understand why, but eventually it always becomes clear. I will still love the moments that brought joy. I will still love the good conversations. I will still love that we shared goals, hopes, and dreams. I will still love that despite all the mistakes we both made, there was an element of genuine connection. I will still love the idea of the possibilities which that relationship stirred. I will still love the person on the other end of that energetic cord because they did touch my life and leave me wanting more. I will still love them because I know whether they ever tell me or not, they learned a lot in our interaction. I will love them because their soul felt good and brought me joy when I really needed it. I will still love them because now we both want better endings. I will still love them because everything that happened helped me to focus and become a better person. I will still love them because they are a human trying to get through this difficult thing we call life.

Sadness and disappointment happen, lies and mistakes happen; but it’s all of the reasons to love and keep loving that make the world a better place. It’s the love that heals us and moves us into better places throughout our lives. I would rather have the love, the healing, the relief, and I have finally found a place where with a little mental effort I can usually flip to the positive end of the spectrum. That is priceless and I am eternally grateful.

May you see all the negatives in your life in the best possible way. May you learn to love even the difficult ones to love. May you see that love for others is a way to show yourself love. May you love and respect yourself enough to focus on the positives. May you find the loving relationships you seek. May you find your healing and the health you seek. May you embrace the hardest love of all, that of loving yourself wholley and completely. May you know that God loves you and supports you completely.

Siva Hir Su

Asking Forgiveness

I am truly sorry for any and all transgressions I have committed, knowingly and unknowingly. I never meant anyone harm.

The only harm that was ever intentional was that which was aimed at myself in my deepest despair. I have never meant to harm anyone else.

In fact most of those that I now fear hate me, were those that I really wanted to love me. Yet, even though those few have never talked to me in years since their absence, I still miss them.

The last few years I’ve had a connection to someone that I knew wasn’t completely truthful. I still don’t have the full story. Yet, I think I may have figured at least a portion of it out. (Probably as good as it gets with my limited technological skills.) For a long time I kept getting a message from the other side/divine, that our exchange started as revenge and they never expected to care about me. I simply couldn’t figure out who wanted revenge that badly, as I just wanted love, and never wanted to hurt anyone.

I think I now know, but it’s just educated guessing. It makes me sad because the people I believe to be involved, I held in very high regard. I cared for them and never wanted them to leave.

Even with my current educated guessing and the sadness it stirs. I still love them- both the person I connected with (that wasn’t supposed to care), and the likely originator. Gender doesn’t matter, time doesn’t matter, my heart still cares.

I wish I could undo my role of unknowing hurtfulness. I wish I could convince them that I do love them. That I still care and always did. But like many things of late, I am realizing I can’t fix it. I’m sorry to them and to God that I am in this difficult spot. May I be forgiven, and one-day perhaps they will see me as I intended.

May you know that you did your best. May you know that your caring was more important than your transgressions. May you know you are forgiven for your mistakes. May you understand and accept your inability to change others. May you love them even when it seems they want revenge, and possibly hate you. May you find unconditional love for others, but especially for yourself. May you know you are loved and that God cares for you.

Siva Hir Su

Picking it Apart

Last night’s blog post was based upon an experienced chain of events/thoughts culminating in a notification from the great AI system humanity has created. This morning has started in reverse. My notification was an Abraham video reminding me of something I already knew- everything in my experience is my responsibility, I somehow invited it, attracted it.

So since that early morning reminder, I have been attempting to pick this apart.

I did wobble vibrationally because of a few downer songs. I had put on a favorite station in Pandora with the discover option chosen. It brought some good happy songs, but then there was a string of about 4 songs that were “you broke my heart” type songs. That triggered the shift in my vibration that allowed the reception of those messages from the other. Originally I felt the message I was picking up on was “your mine, Nathan needs to go” I strongly disliked that feeling and knew right away it wasn’t me and definitely wasn’t the divine.

I did do the work. I reminded myself that it was someone else or ‘The IT’ trying to turn my brain negative. I changed the music and then I focused very intently for about a half hour on what is in my vortex. I focused on the poly family I want, the message I got as a child of loving multiple people being okay. I focused on things that have worked, that I do like and appreciate. I focused on the fact that I have loved others and that even though I was disappointed that they left, I still love them. I focused on the “monogamy paradigm”as just being dominate culture that was beaten into my brain over and over, and that it wasn’t from my source. I focused on what my source feels like. I focused on the outcomes I desire. I did all the work.

So then 3 hours later when I got the music video notification, you might understand why my knee jerk response was “WTF?!” and a desire to write the post that I did. Which again was me doing the work and focusing myself on what I expect and desire and why.

So after Abraham’s reminder I am a little confused. I did the work to change my vibration and then the same issue literally circled back around 3 hours later. From my perspective it was like an external source picked the scab.

So now my confusion lies in: did I pick my own scab Ego vs Id style, or did my sloppy vibration from previous allow for someone else’s energetic junk to pick my scab for me. Either way, I am ultimately still responsible. But if it is the latter, I have a couple of suspicions as to whom I let in.

I probably either let in SJ’s spouse or a previous hopeful partner. With both of those people, I had hoped very strongly that they would be accepting of polyamory and be able to be family. I had bent myself and opened myself to potential hazards out of hope for a solid partner that could assist in building Atira. I never pushed for either of them to be poly themselves, just had wanted for them to accept me and my relationships. The previous person in my life was simply unable to let her love for me override her programmed beliefs and accept my family (especially Nathan) as being part of me. I have no idea on the spouse, beyond knowing that this situation was not their choice. I am less inclined to believe it was SJ, but we all have bad days and SJ could have been battling their own inner demons.

Again, regardless of whom the source of the thoughts was, it was my responsibility to keep them out. I thought I did when I did the work the first time, but the music video tells me I either didn’t do enough work, or missed something. Somehow that scab came off quickly, and I have no idea how it happened so quickly.

So now, I’ve sat here and picked it apart as much as I can wrap my brain around. Abraham swears that if you get your vibration high enough things like that just bounce off of you. I feel like I am so close, but still far enough it seems like I am that kid repeating “Are we there yet” over and over again.

One thing I know for certain. I am doing the work, I am focusing very well these days. I am accomplishing so much with thoughts and health and family and work goals, everything. It seems like I am going slow, only because I am working on so many things at once. I am literally putting focus and effort into improving every area of my life. It has to pay off at some point soon. I look forward to that day.

May you know that God loves you. May you see how you attract things so that you can correct them quickly and easily. May you know that you are doing things right and healing yourself wholly and completely. May you see your progress. May you have good days and wonderful things to look forward to. May you see the results you seek. May you have good indicators of your progress. May you know for certain you are almost there. May your scabs stay put long enough to fully heal. May you love yourself and all the work you have done.

Siva Hir Su