Tag Archives: accept yourself

Finding support through clarity.

This evening I found myself stiff from one too many days without yoga. I proceeded to fix that while mentally running through things I knew were in my vortex. It was providing relief in several ways.

Now I sit much more relaxed and significantly more flexible, and struck with a sense of I may have effed up, but that it’s because I feel another also did.

In my cycling through my vortex one of my thoughts was that I really deserve recognition of all the things I know, voluntarily learned, and regularly do for others. I’m just tired of feeling like the lowly pee-on.

I have aspirations and dreams, and soon I might actually be able to buy into, or just outright buy a business that is larger scale than my self-employment scheme. Yet no one out in the world sees or acknowledges how much I do, have done, and how hard it was for me to even get this far.

I just wish I had a congratulations once in a while. I don’t even have acknowledgement of my retention rate or that I average a 20-22% tip rate, last month I made nearly $1000 in tips (credit and cash combined), and my actual in-office massages netted $3200. That’s a 30% tip rate. That’s amazing. Yet no one noticed, at least that was acknowledged.

This was with all the odds in my life journey stacked against me.

I grew up in a poverty-mindset laden home, with an abusive father, yet I worked my way through college, graduating in 4 years with honors. I took 2 semesters of heavy class loads one at 18 credit hours and one at 24 credit hours, having to request special permission from the dean to do so. It enabled me to graduate on time. And what no one cared about was that I accomplished it while working overtime at my job at Motherhood Maternity because the assistant manager was caught drinking on the job and sent to rehab while the store manager was on maternity leave. So me and one other staff person kept the store open and running while I was taking a double load at collegiate level. Yet my grades never suffered, only my sleep.

On top of that fact, I graduated in 4 years with honors from a big 10 university after having transferred schools twice due to financial dilemmas, something that at the time was rare to find accomplished.

I worked 2 years using my degree in a graphic design position, not making the income that I needed, even with continuing to work a driving job I started in college. The two jobs combined were still not enough income for life with student loans from only 2 of my 4 years of school. I decided I needed to shift to a career with better chances, but without spending too much more on my already costly education. The massage program won because it also enabled me to help people.

So I had 2 degrees, a massage therapist certification, work experience in 3 very different fields, and I thought for certain things would improve. I began to navigate becoming a massage therapist. I also married Nathan and began helping him navigate divorce, child visitation, and all the related problems. We moved (twice, on no budget) to attempt to improve things again. Then Nathan’s health failed.

I supported a family on my own for a decade and still managed to drop thousands on a failed mobile home remodel and thousands more on vehicles wear and tear from a 90 min daily commute.

After all of that, I released some of my work, to accept my massage therapists’ job upon her retirement knowing that there was a possibility all her clients would hate me and schedule elsewhere. I’ve lost my buildings to being Covid casualties. I had to forfeit insurance switching to the clinic, and currently pay out of pocket to attempt to fix my own health. I have battled thyroid and life-fail induced depression for 20 years.

Yet, I gave birth to two healthy kids at home in water. I have survived Covid financially and that is even with now having both a mortgage and car payment. I now have a majority of all of the clinic clients because one therapist never came back and the other keeps pissing his clients off. I have also gained many new clients that had never been to the clinic before, and my retention rate is through the roof. And during all of this I have lost 2 dress sizes in clothing (regardless of the stupid scale not budging), and I have healed my body in many ways, one being that I no longer fight depression constantly.

Yet no one acknowledges any of that, that is except my Nathan.

So then after all of that I remembered getting pissed over the chiropractor and his new signs that made sure he was recognized, while the rest of us were the fine print to ignore.

My awareness this evening brought knowing it was because he wanted acknowledgement for his efforts and his hard work. For all I know his educational journey was just as challenging and I know it was more costly. But I also have an awareness that his family has always been prosperous, and his previous career was too. It’s not that I don’t think he had challenges, it’s just that his challenges seem fewer and definitely not of financial nature. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe his cards were just as stacked as mine, but he doesn’t talk about any of it, so how am I to know.

So now I have a keen sense that I still want honored and recognized, but I don’t want that to be at anyone else’s being unrecognized. I want us all to be acknowledged for our efforts equally.

See here’s the thing, we all have had a journey. If you’ve made it this far into adulthood, you’ve done a lot. The longer that you live the more you do and learn and accomplish.

But some us do seem to have the hard road, and it would be nice if those on the easier path could see that and just give some sentiment of congrats for making it through. It doesn’t make their path any less to acknowledge someone on the hard journey made huge strides, but it does help those battling all the odds want to keep fighting the good fight.

I just want people to be more aware of how their actions can be hurtful and if it wasn’t on purpose, then that is what apologies are for. If you are genuine an apology goes miles.

As for me, at this point if I say certain things I could get fired, I’ve already been warned of that because of a prior language/communication fail. Beyond that I can’t really talk about my goals of buying [or into] a business, because I am still waiting on my unique situation to fully resolve and become details I can actually work with. Until I know the full details and have sorted some things out, it’s just hopeful speculation.

So for now, I’m just going to quietly keep learning and doing, and do my best not to step on anyone’s toes or fail to recognize other’s efforts. I don’t need or want to put anyone else down, I just want to feel like I matter and people know everything I’ve gone through to get where I am. I just want a little recognition and honor… Like Rodney Dangerfield would say, “can’t a guy get a little respect here?!”

May you see your own worth even when others don’t. May you honor and respect everyone’s journey. May you see those that have made it through harder journies than you. May you lift others up and find ways to bolster their efforts. May you see that those around you care and respect your abilities and knowledge. May you have evidence of your worth. May things generally go well for you and my your journey get easier daily. May you have the success you seek, not just financially but emotionally as well. May you know that God loves and supports you.

Siva Hir Su

Not always a woman.

Mom visiting brought with it a revival of music we enjoyed together when I was a child. Pandora was my avenue to access such music easily. We did Beatles radio, Billy Joel radio, and Chieftains radio. It was really good to revive music memories with mom.

One song struck me as I sang the lyrics by heart like I just listened to it last week. Billy Joel’s “Always a Woman to Me” (see YouTube link if unfamiliar).

The lyrics to that song are just in me. Solid. I didn’t even have to think about it, and I haven’t heard that song for probably several years now. I own quite a bit of Billy Joel’s music, but it just hasn’t been in my heavy rotation for a long while.

I realized that the song is two-fold for me. One is that it is how I see my mom. Every line fits her ‘to a T’. She is an amazing being to me, even her faults and shortcomings. I love her very much in all her ways.

Second, the feminine half of me mirrors that. I think it is mostly because of prior thoughts I’ve mentioned, on the fact that I am a blend of my parents, on top of being bisexual. So the feminine half mirrors my mom. Yet, now I wonder. Is it possible that a song so ingrained in my psyche contributed to the development of my character? Is it simply that easy? I owned the lyrics so completely that it contributed to manifesting those traits? I don’t know really. It seems it may have played a part, but I prefer to believe that I felt the song was a good description of mom and I wanted to be like her and be loved that strongly.

The masculine half of me, well that is a whole different story.

Either way, I still love the song to this day, and now I see how it describes me too. I appreciate that immensely.

May you have moments of appreciation for self. May you see mostly good qualities and even love your flaws. May you understand how your life built your self. May you love those things that enabled you to come into your own being. May you appreciate every element of your path of life. May you see that God loves you just the way you are, flaws and all. May you have many manifestations of all of it in the best ways possible.

Siva Hir Su

She can kill with a smile, she can wound with her eyes
She can ruin your faith with her casual lies
And she only reveals what she wants you to see
She hides like a child but she’s always a woman to me
She can lead you to love, she can take you or leave you
She can ask for the truth but she’ll never believe you
And she’ll take what you give her as long as it’s free, Yeah she steals like a thief but she’s always a woman to me
Oh, she takes care of herself, she can wait if she wants
She’s ahead of her time
Oh, she never gives out and she never gives in
She just changes her mind, And she’ll promise you more than the garden of Eden
Then she’ll carelessly cut you and laugh while you’re bleeding
But she brings out the best and the worst you can be, Blame it all on yourself ’cause she’s always a woman to me
Oh, she takes care of herself, she can wait if she wants
She’s ahead of her time
Oh, she never gives out and she never gives in
She just changes her mind, She is frequently kind and she’s suddenly cruel
She can do as she pleases, she’s nobody’s fool
But she can’t be convicted, she’s earned her degree
And the most she will do is throw shadows at you
But she’s always a woman to me

Source: LyricFind

Turning point.

FYI: there will be images with nudity, if under 18 please leave or read with parental guidance.

Sunday through to yesterday, I fought like hell to even come close to staying buoyant. Yesterday was my son’s birthday and I was determined to have a good evening with him. I was fighting so hard to stay buoyant that I took a small amount of a THC to ensure his birthday was enjoyable. It floated me through until bedtime for kids and then I relaxed a bit on my own before sleep.

Now today I have been able to stay positive all on my own, no herbs. Yet, more than that, there have been 3 things that might have normally trigger a nose dive and it hasn’t. One was bad news from a friend about her lump, and I keep telling her to stay positive that it’s just a cyst. Then there was a phone call gone awry to my husband. After apologies and mutually settling down, we realized something is in the air. Calm followed.

Then right at 1:11 I looked at a song notification on my phone, it seemed to carry a negative message; something about closing the door. Anyway, I deleted it without even listening to the song and looking at the clock I said thank you to the angels. I realized that it is my door and the only one that can close it is me. I am leaving my door open, but only for those that are able to work their way up vibrationally and be honest and respectful and helpful.

Somehow, I feel like I’ve had a turning point.

Another moment that seems to validate that is my self image. I had a moment last night where I realized the self image I have been struggling with is because of having let my father’s words and opinions win when I was a small child. I was told I was fat, unhealthy, lazy and not good for anything. Beyond that I was told and shown repeatedly through his actions and media that only perfect women were beautiful. I logically know that both sides are inaccurate, but I have been having trouble knowing the truth for me.

Finally last night it was like it became clear. I had a mental flash of Alexander Cabanel’s “Birth of Venus”. I very familiar with it from having done a study of it in my art education. The message that came with it was that is what God intended for me to look like before all of the negative programming took hold. That is why I find that body type so beautiful.

So then I spent some considerable time searching the internet for similar women in a variety of fine arts. I saved all of the images in a folder titled “I am Venus” to use as a reminder of what my spirit really wanted me to look like.

Here are those pictures, starting with the trigger image:

At this point, I’m know my body is not there, but I am so much closer than I used to be. I know it is within reach, and a little patience and focus is all I need. What I am grateful for is the knowing that this was my intended body all along. Even more gratitude is felt because it is a widely accepted body type. This body type has been considered beautiful for eons, enough to be in art of all types.

It feels really good to know that my higher self wanted me to have this beautiful body all along, and now that negatives are beginning to clear from my brain for real, it is more and more in reach.

I’m not sure what exactly has shifted, but I am very grateful for the shift and the eliminating of negative memories and programming in my brain and cells.

One moment at a time I am making progress. One step at a time I am leaving behind unhelpful attitudes and vibrations.

Finally, after my self-image revelation I had another revelation about my father. I must focus only on the helpful version of my father. I suspect I know what that will translate into, but it is the only way to prevent the negative from deflating me again. I must focus on him having accepted me wholley and completely, being supportive of my love Nathan and our children. I must focus on the positive side of anything I have ever thought about him. That is the only way to ensure his negatives bounce off of me, and eventually will actually equal helpfulness from his spirit.

To that end, I’m waivering on whether to release my blog to public again. I may spend another couple of days focusing and maintaining my higher vibrational alignment before I resume my normal. I hope those that really cared but didn’t reach out will have patience and understanding for my withdrawal.

May you see the good in everything. May you have patience during this heavy time of transition. May you see the beautiful person God intended you to be. May you find a way to align with the best of everything. May you love yourself and have patience with yourself beyond everything else. May you find a way to keep the negatives at bay and eliminate old negative programming from your brain and cells. May you see your progress and know that you are doing what is best for you without harm to others. May you find progress and help others along the way. May you know that God loves and supports you.

Siva Hir Su