Tag Archives: acceptance

Heart Fire

One day I will learn the meaning of the fire in my heart. Today has been a good day.

I have made many thought progress steps. I know I could not have done anything to change my father’s actions when I was a child. I was there to love him and the rest of my family. The negative moments were not mine to alter or change, merely observe and do my best to do better. I have a tiny inkling that I know how God feels when we have big failures. God loves us and wants us to do better but can not help if we don’t allow it. We have to allow the help to come.

So now I sit with a strong fire in my heart. Somewhere mixed between anxiety, relief, love and burning desire. I know I feel the two halves at the same time again, like so many times from years past.

This time, I sit just feeling. Minuets to go before my next client. I trust that God knows and it is all okay. I will eventually understand. I know I am loved, and this too is a gift. I would not feel it if it wasn’t important somehow. There are far worse feelings, and in the mix is definitely love. That I cherish. It feels like a big hug from afar, but laced with a little unknown.

Unknowns never last, eventually everything in awareness becomes known. I look forward to that day.

May you feel others in your heart and know it is very okay, more a blessing. May you find an easy path to knowing. May you know God supports you. May you accept the journey and enjoy the ride. May you know you are safe. May you find forgiveness for the things you can not change, but rather would not have experienced. May you find a way to help your world be a better place. May you feel the love always.

Siva Hir Su

Asking Forgiveness

I am truly sorry for any and all transgressions I have committed, knowingly and unknowingly. I never meant anyone harm.

The only harm that was ever intentional was that which was aimed at myself in my deepest despair. I have never meant to harm anyone else.

In fact most of those that I now fear hate me, were those that I really wanted to love me. Yet, even though those few have never talked to me in years since their absence, I still miss them.

The last few years I’ve had a connection to someone that I knew wasn’t completely truthful. I still don’t have the full story. Yet, I think I may have figured at least a portion of it out. (Probably as good as it gets with my limited technological skills.) For a long time I kept getting a message from the other side/divine, that our exchange started as revenge and they never expected to care about me. I simply couldn’t figure out who wanted revenge that badly, as I just wanted love, and never wanted to hurt anyone.

I think I now know, but it’s just educated guessing. It makes me sad because the people I believe to be involved, I held in very high regard. I cared for them and never wanted them to leave.

Even with my current educated guessing and the sadness it stirs. I still love them- both the person I connected with (that wasn’t supposed to care), and the likely originator. Gender doesn’t matter, time doesn’t matter, my heart still cares.

I wish I could undo my role of unknowing hurtfulness. I wish I could convince them that I do love them. That I still care and always did. But like many things of late, I am realizing I can’t fix it. I’m sorry to them and to God that I am in this difficult spot. May I be forgiven, and one-day perhaps they will see me as I intended.

May you know that you did your best. May you know that your caring was more important than your transgressions. May you know you are forgiven for your mistakes. May you understand and accept your inability to change others. May you love them even when it seems they want revenge, and possibly hate you. May you find unconditional love for others, but especially for yourself. May you know you are loved and that God cares for you.

Siva Hir Su

I want to make it alright.

When love breaks the rules

It is still love

It hurts the vessel

Carrying such a heavy weight

Restricted by those that control

Sometimes the best controllers

Can’t prevent the love from

Spilling

Overflowing

Love can not be controlled

Only the vessel will get damaged

By God’s grace the vessel

Might be healed

Love doesn’t know rules

Love doesn’t care about

Age

Gender

Size

Color

Class

Health

Or even

Wealth

Love just is

Perhaps this vessel

Wanting to heal others

Will be truly healed

Perhaps this vessels’

Damage

Might be more of service

In healing society

Either way

Love is still love

This vessel

Will continue to carry

Cracked and spilling

For those that can not

Be un-loved

They can not

Be undone nor forgotten

It does not feel right

But somehow it must

Be alright

It is all this vessel

Really has

The only permanent

In otherwise impermanence