Tag Archives: acceptance

Acknowledging self

Even though I have my moments where I feel like I’m a hot mess, the last few days have helped me to see more of my value.

My down slump was caused from pre-cycle hormones bumping up against bitter cold weather and fighting off a head cold gleaned from a co-worker. Despite a nasty combination, I only went into hiding one day.

I blasted my immune system with my classic combo of Vitamin C, Colloidal Silver and Olive Leaf. In larger frequent doses it always works, and I don’t have to deal with the unpleasant taste of oregano. Today I only have remnants of sniffles.

All while this was going on I still managed to do my job. Still managed to go look at homes for sale, filed for mortgage approval, and found a possible home that we’re crossing fingers will go through and become ours soon. (Prayers welcome).

In the process I discovered that a government debt I paid in full in September, which had already been removed from my TransUnion records, was still showing in Equifax. I submitted a dispute which was returned as invalid because there was an unrelated debt agency saying I still owed it.

When did credit bureaus start favoring debt collectors? I’m sorry, but bureaus like TransUnion and Equifax were supposed to be unbiased agencies that made sure information was accurate.

If I tell Equifax a debt has already been paid and removed from my TransUnion report, and that was the basis of my dispute. Then why on Earth would they take a third party debt collection agency as correct. They should have verified with TransUnion, or the original debt which is a government agency. It boggles my mind that my written statement of it having been cleared including necessary pertinent information was completely disregarded.

So today, I fully intend to ream someone verbally to ensure that shit gets fixed. 2 months after the fact I should not be having to fight for Equifax to report correct information. At what point is our government going to hold Equifax truly accountable for all the damage they keep perpetrating on the American people. Data breaches, incorrect data processing, favoring 3rd party agencies, this shit has to stop. Equifax needs disassembled. Just sayin’.

Anyway, rant aside, I also had moments of self acknowledgment yesterday working on clients. Between discussions including my birthing stories, a client thanking me for the nudge to change her diet (which worked completely), and even moments where I spoke on random knowledge I have (home improvement and things like conductivity of certain metals). I was able to step back momentarily and really see my intelligence and how it helps others and even myself in a wide array of ways.

It’s not often I even see that part of myself being so self-critical, but yesterday not only did I recognize it, I even took a moment of self-appreciation. It felt good.

I also had a moment of great appreciation for my work environment right now.

I had just gotten a regular adjustment (Tuesday or Saturday- my days are blurring together again) because my neck and shoulders were tight. Tight almost always means an adjustment is called for, so that day the owner-chiropractor adjusted me. It was indeed needed and felt very relieving. I was appreciative.

But like all humans I occasionally do something stupid, and yesterday morning was as such. In my rush getting into the car to head to work, I clobbered my head on the doorframe of the car. I literally heard and felt the crunch in my neck, and thought ‘so much for that adjustment I had, I’m going to regret that later’. By the time I arrived at work I conceeded I did need another adjustment. I admitted my folly and asked if that would be possible and the other chiropractor said certainly. My schedule didn’t actually allow for time to accommodate it until the end of the day, but once accomplished I felt great again. Bonus, the acupuncturist gave me 30 min on her Beamer and I felt spectacular. It was very needed and I’m very grateful he was able to accommodate second adjustment in less than a week.

May you all have moments of self-awareness and self-appreciation. May you all have adjustments you need and good health. May the universe be kind to you when you have your human moments of folly. And may you have good credit and agencies that diligently report accurate information.

Siva Hir Su

Flogging Story So Far

Listen: https://youtu.be/BZGkxlLZZsM

I am thanking God I’m alive, yet acknowledging that Nathan and my couple of friends might be sick of my fitness puzzle updates, I thought I’d write it out. My story so far does make me who I am, and currently it’s kinda pissing me off.

Despite having birthed 2 children, losing weight during pregnancy, to reach 190 pounds twice; I’m shaking my head as to why the eff I’m hovering between 200-225 now.

At this point I can honestly acknowledge that I’m doing spectacular by all reasonable definitions. I already knew I was doing decent, but there were a few people that thought I wasn’t eating enough and thus causing my body to think it was starving. Because of their doubts I began to use my Samsung Health Tracker app to its fullest potential to find out for certain if my knowing was accurate or if their doubts were.

I have to say, except for the fact that it doesn’t track the calories I burn doing deep tissue massage, I’m really enjoying the accuracy and details it allows me to track. When I enter food I can pick brands, specify my particular serving, even down to individual ingredients for things like my breakfast shake, and it does all the math for me. I love it.

As you can see below, my worst day of food intake (when I’m at the old job) is the number of calories that many people consume as normal. Yet, for me that now only happens once or twice a month. Most days fall more in the range of what I took in on the 26th, which is more of the 850 to 1100 calories. Which, by the way, gives me plenty of energy. I actually struggle more on the high calorie days, because usually those involve succumbing to my food allergies.

That reminds me of a cartoon that Nathan found a few days ago…..(he’s been sharing memes on this topic with me because I’m ranty about it, he’s trying to help me find levity.)…

Anyway, I find it interesting that my nutrient balance score is low. I have been watching that score system and basically I get a better score when the protein to carb ratio is in a certain range. Unfortunately, I usually eat few carbs. My food intake still has carbs, but much lower ratio than most people. I also try to focus on healthy fats and I eat seafood or use pea protein powder for my proteins since I have had issues recently with red meat and never did do well with dairy or soy. I’m betting they factor that into their algorithm as well.

Moving on: in addition to these super healthy lower calorie days, I’m getting plenty of exercise. Beyond doing massages- which do burn calories, I’ve been doing more yoga and core exercises (leg lifts, variety of crunches, and planks) and walking a ton. Today I’ve done 30 min of yoga, about 40 min of core exercises, and then took an hour walk, keeping up pace with my Flogging Molly mix. My app only counted one of my jogging bits as running, but I picked up the place several times during my walk to keep up with the music. That’s despite the cold weather. *I really do love Flogging Molly for exercise.* My average steps per day is generally over that which the app recommends with few exceptions, and the one high-calorie day I hit 18,000 steps, nearly 8 miles of walking!

I’ve also been reeling in my blood sugars, finally getting my fasting numbers to begin to normalize. I have to say that the walking increase has helped with that, but making sure my dinners are on the light side also did. And blood pressure never was a concern, but I’m logging them anyway to make sure it stays that way.

My stress levels are even doing great and even when I push my speed with the walking/jogging I’m still keeping lower heart rates.

I swear that this meme is too true. Too close to home, but still funny.

Damn those genetics.

Anyway, I’m definitely feeling like all my work should amount to something visible. I have nothing to show for 4 months of dedicated exercise and food control. Except slightly better blood sugars. Oh well, I suppose I know, and regardless of people’s assumptions, I still know I can lift my husband (and most of the people I work on). I’m healthy despite having an obese body. Rawr.

I’ll leave you with 2 appropriate funny memes, and my usual blessing.

May you know your hard work matters. May your determination net visible results. May you see your improvement, and may you enjoy a healthful life.

Siva Hir Su

Cats outta the bag.

That was my mom’s phrase for giving up the goods, letting it be known who you are, or simply just confessing. It fits for the moment.

I’ve continued with my quest for being truly authentically myself, 100% throughout my life and livelihood.

In the last couple of days it started with dropping a hint mid-conversation about my bisexuality to the office manager in thanking her for her openness and acceptance of LGBTQ people in and out of the office.

Then I, as gently as I could, cornered the tall dark handsome man on his mixed messages of innuendo implying interest in me. He apologized profusely explaining that he meant no harm and didn’t realize he’s been overstepping so much. He said he’d like to stick to a more professional relationship, but is okay hanging out as friends occasionally. I was fine with that and took his apology whole heartedly. I explained that being polyamorous I just needed to know if he was serious or not and what his feelings really were. I then thanked him for his apology, as not many people actually own their mistakes and make things right. I think we’re at a good place of mutual acceptance.

I’d already spoken to the lesbian about my Indian person conundrum when I first started, figuring she was the most likely to understand polyamory to begin with. She’s totally cool and understanding, and though I hate referencing her as just the lesbian, I stick to honoring others by not divulging their personal information. So being that is her most unique descriptor, it’s my default.

So, at this point I’m certain that the whole office will know by early next week, but I suspect that is okay. It seems I work with a good group of people that have relaxed on judgements and are as open and accepting of people where they are as anyone could expect. I’m grateful to know that.

I also ended up in a conversation that drew out of me information about mine and Nathan’s medical & disability journey. I was met with compassionate concern instead of the usual list of ‘have you tried all these things’, I found that to also be very refreshing. It’s the first time in a long time that someone didn’t try to step in making all kinds of assumptions to be the saviour of the disability battle. I do appreciate genuine helpfulness, but sometimes one just needs more emotional support than a list of things to try.

Finally, I received a decent massage. I started a trade with the one other therapist in the office. The office manager was super helpful in finding a way to accommodate schedules for that. His style is very different from mine, but it works for him. He managed to get things that the paid massages and Nathan’s efforts missed. Very unique, but definitely the fix I needed. I’m very grateful for that as well.

So, with all of those good moments of authenticity and helpfulness and acceptance… why then am I finishing my day a bit down?

I have a couple of guesses because I keep seeing a couple of faces in my mind. I may be experiencing their sadness, I’m just not sure why. Not just why I am picking up on them- that happens to me quite frequently with lots of people, more as to why those people would be down. One’s my Indian person and we’ve had such a complex journey it could be one of many things, not to even contemplate Ian’s message of a couple days ago. The other man I’ve been in close contact with this week and didn’t pick up on anything when I was around him, so now that the work week is over for him I’m a bit confused. In theory he’s enjoying time off. Yet, things are often not what they seem. I wish them both well and send love in hopes that they cheer up. I still have 1 appointment to finish and 7 days of work until my next day off. I simply can’t afford to be stuck in their sadness.

I’ll ask the divine and angels to cut cords for now.

May you all have your moments of authenticity and helpfulness and acceptance. May you make it through your work days and week with ample buoyancy, and may you find yourself protected against moments that might bring you down. Finally, may you all enjoy time off.

Siva Hir Su

ET is helping me water my seeds… part 1

Today I was thinking about how 2 years ago I watched ET with my residents and felt the person I was calling the boy. That started my sense of that spirit and referencing it as my ET, acknowledging that I was feeling that spirit even as a young child. Somehow I just know they are linked and I in my stupid human form just don’t fully understand.

To that end I thought maybe I could show the movie to Ian, that maybe it would help me bring some understanding to him and maybe additional clarity for myself.

In that thought I then remembered the scene where ET was sick from having eaten all the junk food that the boys had brought him, and knowing he needed to get home where he could heal. I’m torn because I feel like I’m so closely linked to my ET that I’m getting sick off of those things in my experience, but at the same time I feel like I have so many things to accomplish and do in this 3D Earth experience that I’m hardly ready to go home. So today, I’ve been calling my physical reaction ‘forced fasting’. I love to eat tasty foods, but my body is rejecting everything on this day. My liver is purging and every smell is far too intense. Things that normally cause me to say yum are making me wish to vomit.

I was in the midst of one such moment when one of the employees of the building decided she would pray for me. Her words were very Christian, but most definitely evoked my sense of that spirit I call my ET, that spirit that had told me I could call him Shiva, that was linked to the person I called the boy, my divine masculine.

I am beginning to understand how the archetypes overlap, and I’m really beginning to feel the knowledge I’ve held for years that we’re all one, and all religions are really different interpretations of the same thing.

That then made me think of the catholic last week that told me not to do Reiki because it went against her beliefs. I was a little slow on the uptake and thought later that I really wanted to ask her if she would have refused Jesus’ healing, because the formal structure of Catholicism didn’t exist for several hundred years after Jesus died.

A healer with God given abilities is still a healer with God given abilities- regardless of what culture they were raised and named in, regardless of what language they speak.

In my case my first experience of healing in this world, at birth, was by an OB with an Indian name and things of India have always and still do resonate. Yet when I went to my parent’s Christian churches as a child, I was tormented and traumatized. Is it any wonder that God tells me he’s Shiva?

Regardless, I’m grateful for that connection, I’m grateful for feeling the divine touch my body and my life. I’m grateful for the healing gifts I’ve been given; and as Shiva told me when I was working on the catholic: you can’t change who you are, you can be quiet about it or change the wording, but it’s still a part of you.

So then in explaining Reiki to a resident I told them it’s essentially prayers in a foreign language and my hands tell it where to go. I said Siva Hir Su is the one I use most, it was my gift, and translated into biblical terminology would most closely align with ‘the divine light of christ is here’. She was perfectly content to accept the healing and said it was so very helpful.

So my Shiva-Jesus blend is helping me get through my day and providing healing to myself and my clients and residents.

It’s also helping me see things in this world that are just like what I want for my Atira, so that will be part 2, maybe this evening or tomorrow.

May you all find your connection to God’s grace and understanding of its applications. May you feel the love and healing and find your own God given gifts. Most of all may you have understanding and compassion and acceptance when others wish to help you, regardless of what that looks or sounds like.

Blessings everyone.

Siva Hir Su

Ok fine, one more.

Sorry Shiva… thank you for replaying this song for me.

[I listened to the Disturbed remake from last post and even though I’ve had auto-play off since I replaced my phone, YouTube launched into Poets of the Fall… “Carnival of Rust”, “Where do We Draw the Line”, and “Children of the Sun”. I knew my Shiva was talking to me and I need to snap out of it.]

Poets of the Fall “Sweet Escape”

Et en Francé

May you have your moments where you feel appreciated and loved, even/especially if it is a spirit in non-physical. We are all loved, even when we’re down emotionally. Blessings and may we all feel better in the morning.

Siva Hir Su

Watering continues.

The last couple of days I’ve been mostly well. There have been moments of confusion and moments of distress, but mostly I’ve stayed focused on what I want and generally buoyant. I really kicked butt yesterday doing 4 appointments consisting of 2.25 hours of continuous deep tissue. I approved the back-to-back stretch to accommodate helping the acupuncturist’s wife, whose neck had locked up- something I’m very familiar with.

Today is a day off, with the exception of one easy make-up home-visit appointment early this morning. Somehow, though the overcast weather and cooler temperatures have me hibernating.

I’m feeling my divine masculine today, fairly intensely. It has brought up lots of thoughts and feelings.

Somehow my thoughts keep cycling back to a man from my past, back when Anya was a baby: Rajesh. I keep remembering a point when I was at my worst, it’s been coming up frequently the last few weeks but today it’s really nagging at me.

Things had been happening involving him, his wife (my then best friend from high school), Nathan, and I. The specific memory is of when I lost control of myself and fell deep into depression and despair. Rajesh had found me crying and rocking myself in the upstairs closet. I was struggling so hard, fighting to regain control of my brain that I couldn’t even speak, and I remember him asking me something. I remember him standing there watching me and I remember wanting him to just hold me. To hug me and comfort me. After a moment, I can’t even define in time measurements, he said something and left. Moments later Nathan came in and held me.

Rajesh never did speak to me about that moment. I assumed he was either afraid to, or didn’t want to upset me. Yet to this day when the memory comes up I get embarrassed for not having been able to speak, and I still think about how much I just wanted him to show he cared by holding me. I really wanted to feel love in that moment and I respected him so much that I wished he had just loved me. Maybe he did and didn’t know how to show it, or simply how to respond in that moment.

I have no idea why this memory keeps resurfacing, and that’s ultimately why I wrote about it. I thought maybe writing it out would bring clarity. Yet I know that the state I was in means that the memory is incomplete. There are details my brain was unable to retain, which acknowledging that brings more confusion. Why now, nearly 13 years later, can I not shake it, and why does it flare my sense of my divine masculine.

I know that I am now in a much different mental space, mostly having defeated depression, and without a trace of medication. Thanks to Dr. Illardi’s “Depression Cure”. For that I’m utterly grateful. I owe that alignment to God, for I begged for help, and the people and resources to connect me with the therapist wielding that book resulted. It was divine grace that took over and helped me find my necessary set of tools to defeat depression in my life. The closet incident was one of my lowest points and now I’m able to maintain a much higher level of functioning even when something breaks my stride.

Maybe the memory is just acknowledging that massive improvement and reminding me of my gratitude for God and my solution. Yet it feels like more than that. My whole upper body is on fire with just that memory. That I don’t understand.

Regardless of my confusion, I do wish to acknowledge my decade of improvement. So that’s where I’ll water my dreams of Atira today.

  • I have supported my family, on my own, for a decade without keeping “a day job”. I’ve been successfully self-employed for nearly a decade.
  • During that same decade, I birthed 2 healthy children at home with minimal allopathic medical services.
  • During that same decade I took myself from nearly losing my life to depression, to being as mentally and emotionally stable as is considered normal.
  • I have started to slowly chip away at correcting financial damage done when Nathan got sick.
  • I’m nearly to a point where I will be able to buy us a home again and escape the decade of renting and being at the mercy of less than desirable landlords.
  • I have taken every opportunity possible to expand my knowledge and increase my skill sets.
  • I have maintained board certification and licensure over 12 years, despite having to move many times over.
  • I’m good at what I do because I care and I allow God to assist me. My hands do God’s work every day.
  • Though it seems I’m still very far from my big dream of Atira, I have made real progress. I have taken action steps and accomplished small goals to keep on my path to that big dream.
  • I give love at every opportunity, despite the fact that I’ve loved and lost, that I’ve loved and been hurt by several of those I gave my heart to. I do my best to find unconditional love, sometimes I accomplish that better than others, but I always aim for that.
  • I’m closer than I’ve ever been to being able to build and maintain Atira, one piece at a time.
  • I am strong and have amazing endurance.

May you all find moments of understanding and clarity. May you all experience growth and make progress towards even your biggest of dreams. May you all find unconditional love in your life.

Be well.

Siva Hir Su.

I did it again…

Deeply Shredded has shared movies that he likes, some funny, some thoughtful. I’m trying to keep up, but as he pointed out, it shouldn’t stress anyone to watch them. It should be enjoyable, so this is my 3rd one from his list so far.

“MFM Challenge (B’wood) : Ek Ladki ko Dekha toh Aisa Laga https://wp.me/pb5uY7-8q

I decided to watch it because of the love story element, I’m really a big mushy romantic at heart.

It ended up being an LGBT supportive movie, and I really appreciate that. Even more, the picture I chose for this post is from the end of the movie. The message of the movie was such a powerfully strong statement that I started crying. The quote compounded that.

I find it doesn’t matter if it’s American made, BBC, or as this movie happens to be- Indian. All movies that support LGBTQ people and their rights, tug at my heart.

Being bisexual and polyamorous, means this topic is very close to home for me.

I’m completely honest online about who I am.

Though I don’t actively hide who I am at work, it’s more of- if someone asks me directly I’ll respond honestly. The few times I have heard bigoted comments I have responded accordingly. The last time being: would you say that about me, getting a no in response, I then pointed out that I too was offended by their statement being bisexual. That silenced them.

I don’t advertise my leanings at work, but I don’t tolerate discrimination either.

However, I have yet to tell my parents. I always wanted to wait until there was that person or people that we were willing to go through legal processes to protect their rights as family. Then just like deciding to marry Nathan, I planned to inform my parents of my decision. That day has yet to come, and unless one of my siblings has figured it out and told them, no one knows.

I have somewhat dreaded that day because of how they reacted to Nathan. My dad was racist and told me I shouldn’t marry a black man because his culture was too different, ignoring the fact that he spoke proper English and dressed like any other Iowa college student. My mom was ageist and told me I was making a huge mistake marrying someone so much older than I.

Regardless, here was an educated, well spoken man, that both my parents disliked.

Now imagine the response when that becomes a 3rd woman or 3rd and 4th as a couple. I’m fairly certain I will get lectured by both yet again, and at least one of them will go ages without speaking to me.

My dad still doesn’t speak directly to Nathan, even when they are standing right next to each other. We’ve been married 10 years.

So yes, I know what it feels like to know that a huge part of yourself is offensive to even your own parents, let alone the society at large.

That is why I cried. I wish for the acceptance that the leading lady “Sweety” received from her father- for myself and everyone. I wish for all people to be able to be accepted just as they are. I wish for parents good intentions to be mediated by a knowledge of children’s lives being their own to do as they choose. I wish for outdated ideas and processes to die. I wish for everyone to be able to be open and honest without fear of backlash or being hurt. I wish for sexual orientation to be accepted as much as the sky being blue. I wish for judgements to fall away.

As being bisexual: I wish that I could find my chosen family that could see I can’t choose half of myself; I can’t say I’m ok spending the rest of my life with just Nathan and ignoring the part of me that wants to love a woman. Acknowledging that requires a space for multiples, I then just want it to be a naturally fitting family with as many adults as desired by those committed to being family.

Yet I love living here, and this country still allows chosen poly families to be destroyed by biological parents that haven’t spoken to their children for years. The legal hoops that poly families set-up merely reduce the likelihood that estranged family take things in greed when someone dies. I’ve known poly families that lost homes to a deceased partner’s estranged family. Because our laws make no true protections or rights for anything except monogamous marriage. For decades that even excluded same sex marriage, at least for now they have rights. If I wanted my poly marriage to be fully protected I’d have to become a citizen of Brazil.

Anyway, I don’t know what the details of my future holds, but I know I still want my poly family, my dome home, and to build my community Atira to do good things for our world. This dreamer will keep dreaming for now and celebrate every movie that helps humanity move forward in acceptance.

May you all find your moments of acceptance and a feeling of belonging, having rights, and being protected. May you all find the love you seek.

Many blessings and be well.

As above, so below.

Siva Hir Su

A Brief Exposé

Preface:

I’m going to intention to be somewhat vague here. I’ve noticed overlapping patterns in my manifestations and resulting interactions with others. I intend for this post to apply to as many of those overlapping situations as possible.

First and foremost:

“Don’t think about all those things you fear, just be glad to be here.” ~ “Hayling” by FC Kahuna

I have come to rest for the moment in a place of acceptance of myself as I stand. I’m seeing my power and abilities and yet evaluating whether I wish to push the envelope or just allow myself to be for a bit.

I woke hurting this morning, a combination of allergic reactions from Anya’s birthday celebration, and physical fatigue from having done a dozen very-deep tissues this week. Yet I managed to push through and find genuine gratitude that at least I’m feeling it.

There are people living in this world that are unable to feel their arms and legs and would appreciate the discomfort of my aches this morning.

That acknowledgement in combination with something that crossed my path yesterday led me to a realization that I had attracted myself an onslaught of people unwilling to express their gratitude for me in any meaningful way. I literally saw how several people in my recent history (last 5 years) probably did care on some level, but convinced themselves for whatever reasons that they could not align with the action or resources which they knew would convey that most effectively. As a result I’ve parted and chosen to move on the best way I can, but lingering hurts cross my mind on occasion.

So here I sit feeling confident in my current endeavors and abilities, a new fuller knowing of myself, but slightly hesitating. Knowing that as I move forward I wish to attract people and experiences that honor myself better.

That means I must start by honoring myself better.

You see, the Law of Attraction is just that.

Like attracts like.

I could not have attracted those people and experiences if I had not held myself in that particular alignment.

Extrapolation:

“Some of them want to use you, some of them want to be used by you. Some of them want to abuse you, some of them want to be abused.” ~ “Sweet Dreams” by Eurythmics

I have been abused in my lifetime. Repeatedly in fact, and in multiple ways: physically, mentally, and emotionally. In turn my abused mind and body, unable to handle the hurts, reflected them back at those in my experience. I became the abuser. Not as severe as my abusers were, but abuse I delivered none-the-less. I knew in my heart I could not let that continue and prayed for help to change myself. I prayed that I might be forgiven for my indescrections. My least desire of anything in this world is to be abuser or abused.

I have been used in less abusive ways. Simply being an employee is, in a way, being used. However, because of my history with abuse, many of my being-used situations reflect a similar negative consequence. I see that my dream of Atira would in a way require that I use others. However, it is my prayer that I find a balance where I can utilize others in the best way possible, and while honoring their gifts as best as I am able. I want my having to experience the flip side to be full of as many positive consequences as possible. That means if I am to have employees I wish to compensate them properly. That means if I’m to utilize volunteers I wish to honor them fully and treat them accordingly. I want to teach people that honoring each other and ourselves is a way of honoring God.

Despite being one of my favorite songs, what “Sweet Dreams” fails to sing about is all of the other options.

I wish to love and be loved.

I wish to honor and be honored.

I wish to serve and be served in the name of God.

I wish to respect and be respected.

I wish to care and be cared for.

I wish to share and be shared with.

I wish for intellectual and emotional equals to experience this give take world with as partners and companions. Where we can all reach for better.

Full-Circle:

“I wished for you too.” ~ Practical Magic

I attracted you, with my attention to my desires and my sloppy habits stemming from hurt. My mixed bag brought you into my experience.

Yet, you must admit that you are equally responsible. You aligned in the exact same manner. You focused on your desires, but missed your sloppiness from your past.

You see we are equals, carrying the same level of blame.

I suspect you felt that you were better than I. That you could manifest things better, or that you were smarter than I, more connected, more esteemed or somehow more gifted. In your hubris you aligned yourself with idiocy and in a way became the abuser.

Your lack of humility, your inability to reach for better took us out of alignment.

You see, I seek those willing to admit we’re all equals here on this Earth stumbling through and learning how to reach for better and improve ourselves. Those willing to move mankind toward a brighter future. Those willing to take responsibility for their actions, offer apologies when necessary, and reach for honoring themselves and others better. I acknowledge that none are perfect, yet in our imperfection lies our greatest gifts.

I know you saw my intelligence, my strength, my reserve, my determination, my extra large size, as well as my extra large energy. You saw my fortitude, my resolve, my ability to endure and persevere. You saw my gifts and talents and my inner beauty.

Yet, your sloppy habits brought to your attention my strangeness, my unique views and my very unorthodox beliefs and unconventional ways. I pushed your comfort zone and set a high bar. I challenged you in ways you obviously were unable to handle, which took us further out of alignment.

So now I can revise what I want, need, and desire.

I seek someone with equal intelligence, strength, reserve, determination, and energy. Someone with fortitude, resolve, ability to endure and persevere. Someone with gifts and talents and inner beauty. Yet someone humble enough to acknowledge that all of that exists in me and many others as well. Someone open minded enough to handle my strangeness, my unique views and my very unorthodox beliefs and unconventional ways. Someone willing to allow themselves to grow through experiencing me fully. Someone able to have constructive conversations even when beliefs diverge. Someone able to convey their preferences while still exploring the unknown or perceived contrasting experiences. I seek someone willing to love and be loved. Someone to honor and be honored. Someone willing to serve and be served in the name of God. Someone willing and able to respect everyone and in turn be respected, to care and be cared for. Someone able to share and be shared with.

I need for those someones to be able to take responsibility and share their gifts to commit to not just my family, but to building Atira. You see, I don’t just need money for Atira, I need people, hands, help, specific knowledge that I would rather utilize in others than begin to learn myself. Atira will fare far better, actually become a success, if there is a group, a poly family, willing to share the work load. I seek those people.

I have thought about each person that had previously aligned and subsequently misaligned with me. If further alignment was genuine, accompanied by equally genuine apologies, and foreseeably maintainable, then I could potentially welcome them back.

At the moment I have no evidence to the possibility of that, and suggestions, mere hearsay, to the contrary. Yet, I’m going to leave room that it might be possible. However, I’m not going to hold my breath, because I know the universe will provide what I desire regardless. It has so far, I was just sloppy about maintaining my alignment, and THAT is where I know I can and will do better.

May all of my readers take this to heart and find and maintain their alignment. May you all have those in your life that honor, respect and love you for being you. May you heal your hurts and move on successfully. May you find a way to make your dreams happen.

I can only fix me.

This morning started with oversleeping from exhaustion. My infant is still not sleeping solidly through the night, we’re moving, and I’m going on 45 days without any downtime, knowing my next ‘day off’ will encure more heavy lifting.

I made it to work with 5 minutes to spare- only because we grabbed a breakfast bowl from QT, sans the cheese. I get to work and I’m confronted with chatty-Cathy that has spouted a whole mess of broad biased and bigoted generalizations like you’d hear on Fox news, and YouTube followed that with a notification to listen to Cranberries’ “Linger” with Spanish translations.

After the chatty-Cathy I ruminated on writing a long apology to the world. Apology for such an insignificant readership to actually matter, apology that my voice isn’t bigger/louder, apology for the attitudes of middle-class mostly-white over-55 Americans, apology that I’m not able to rise myself up higher/faster to make it known we’re not all like that.

I thought about telling the world to just ignore and walk away from America. That we’ve lost sight of real morals and values (not to be confused with cheap propaganda morals/values) and helping human kind. That America is full of racist bigots that will cast blame on anything and everything someone with any shade of color does, from stealing from our welfare system to opening business here on the American dollar and not paying taxes, both of which chatty-Cathy said within 5 minutes of me walking in.

But then if the world does walk away from America, what’s to come of the few of us genuinely striving for better. What if those few of us eventually need to flee America, where would we go if the world turns it’s back on us.

I realized that I was ruminating from scared, tired, lost and feeling alone. I listened to “Linger” knowing the song well already.

I realized I am a fool, things do go wrong, shit does stink, and sometimes this world sucks badly. I can’t apologize for everything that goes wrong when I’m not in control of those things. I’m also not a victim and refuse to be blamed for every thing that happens, especially when I’m not involved and not around to contribute, and especially when I know I’m already doing my best to help and be a good citizen.

Thus the only thing in my control is working on myself.

I can only vote using my conscious, ignore naysayers and those that insist on following status quo, focus on making my vote fall in alignment with my inner being’s knowing.

I can only focus on finding happy and my next step of improvement.

I can only battle the things that bug me long enough to find a solution. The solution is truly the answer, the battle only begets more battle.

I can only complain long enough to help refocus into a definition of what I need/want, because again complaining begets more complaining, and the solutions are really what I need.

I can’t let things bug me, or I’ll end up being eaten alive by concerns, fears, worries, and guilt.

I can’t keep existing trying to please others all the time. People are finicky and promise things they can’t fulfill. Swear they care, to turn and walk away. Say they like or love something until there’s a cloudy day or they’re simply not feeling like it today. Ask contradictory things of me to either challenge me or prove that I’ll fail, and either way it only accomplishes tearing me down and apart. Say they care to turn and blame me for everything that goes wrong for them. There are only so many apologies I can give before realizing that those apologies fall on deaf ears.

I’m done waisting my breath and heart. I’ve gotten much better at being much quieter, nodding and moving on, even with my own 4 year old. One day I’ll fix myself enough to attract people willing to work as hard as I do, willing to own their own crap as much as I do, willing to improve themselves as much as possible, and willing to work on finding improvement as much as I do, and willing to commit as much as I have.

For now, I must do better at one thing only: finding my happy and my next step of improvement.

The world will continue to be, for better or for worse, with richer and poorer, with birth and health and sickness and death.

All things are in this world and I must do my best to find the best I can, and leave the best mark I can. I must be there for the Divine/God, for good, for myself, for my husband and family. In that order even, as the first 2 really help to be there for myself and my family. That then becomes my legacy by default- was I there for my family enough that they saw my improvement and learned how to find their own improvement.

I wish that for everyone. If we can all accomplish that, eventually this world will seem a much better place. You’ll never eliminate the negatives, but the positives can weigh heavier in our experience, and enrich all of our lives. I wish that for all of you. Be well my dear readers. Find your happy today and most of all days.

“You can’t give up on your dreams.” -Abraham

I thought I had, until an online stranger woke them up in me, and I simply can’t forget now.

NOW Abraham’s words echo in my brain repeatedly.

The last 2 and a half years has been a strange journey, thinking I was headed one way, but now feeling like it was all a giant cosmic ruse to create an about-face in my life.

My priorities have changed, my choices have begun to reflect that. I question everything, I’m constantly analyzing my thoughts and motives, even my interactions with others are being picked apart by my psyche.

I’m now doubting my doubts, questioning how I ever let myself get to the place of giving up on everything…. How did I end up in survival mode, struggling to get by and keep my little family intact? I’m not sure that I have answers, but the path has led me to realize how insanely disconnected I’d become, and so unintentionally in the process.

I love my husband, and my family, and they were always supposed to be part of my dreams. I believe they still are, but I’d lost sight of the truly important parts of those dreams. Now I’m not sure if I can make up for the lapses and get us all back on track.

For now I’m doing my best to get myself back on track. …

After baby, I’ve done better with health concerns than after Ian. Except for significant hair loss, and a couple of bad weeks the first postpartum month, I’m really doing quite well compared to after Ian.

Milk supply is still a struggle, but I’ve tackled it with every possible helpful tool. I’m literally doing the best I can, and I’ve somewhat come to terms with the realization that my family’s genetics is probably the reason that formula was ever developed. In fact I’m rather baffled at how my family even passed thru the ages until formula even existed. I’m utilizing multiple modern tools that didn’t exist 40 years ago, let alone before modern medicine and manufacturing. I guess we got through somehow, most likely with some very malnourished babies (at least until teeth emerged).

With that being said, not only is baby walking, but she’s teething in a big way, and already showing great interest in food. I’ve cautiously given her tiny nibbles and mushy foods to taste and it’s only encouraged her. I suspect she’s going to be ready to eat consistently before I am ready to be feeding her.

So, that in addition to everything else, I continually work on finding thought alignment in being the best mom I can be. Diligently working on being helpful with regards to assisting baby in finding her most preferred choices. Only source knows how well I’m doing.

So then I work on finding my alignment even more. Give, take, back and forth.

I’m back to work, knowing it helps me mentally with variety and also with feeling more secure financially. However, I know that I still struggle with getting overwhelmed and wanting to see similar support in my family. A desire to share the burden is essentially at the heart of it all. More alignment to find, attempts to see the support from the divine and let go of others needing to fill that role. It’s a hard one.

Yet I do find gratitude that I have ample work to be had. Every time I seek more hours, there is plenty to be found. My reputation proceeds me, and I always have choices. People trust me and know I will do a job well done. It is merely about how much can I handle and what I’m willing to take on. For now it seems I’m back to 10 to 12 hour days, 4 days a week, with a smattering of work the other 3. It’s OK for the moment.

I’d rather have financial flow that doesn’t take my direct labor, but some financial flow is better than none. So since I know my work will produce money, but have difficulty believing it can come other ways, I’ll stick to doing what I know works for the moment and work on believing the alternate as I manually produce some.

Finally, is that stranger that stirred all this up. I’ve not been able to forget about him, but I’ve come to a comfortable point of knowing that it’s out of my hands. It’s up to him and god as to whether it ever amounts to more or not. So, essentially, I occasionally send a singular message to acknowledge he’s on my mind- just in case he cares, but I’ve kept it as passive as I am able. I want him to know I do still care, but I’m doing my best to keep it as open and free of expectations as possible. I would love to hear from him again, but I’m feeling like he’s made a particular set of decisions that discourages it from his perspective. It seems my paradigm was just too much to mesh with his. We were not in mutuality on enough concepts to belong together.

It’s just that to this day, I don’t understand why the divine would show me things, let me feel things, to have it not manifest anything. I’ve never, ever, had that happen. Every time I’ve ever been shown things, they’ve come to pass. A few of them took a really long time (2nd-baby visions were nearly a decade ago, & visions about Nathan took nearly 3 years to manifest fully). So, then my brain wants to tell me this is another really long time situation, but shortly after that the damn DOUBT over being cut off sneaks in. I’ve yet to figure out a way around that one. It’s hard to convince yourself someone is going to be in your life when they refuse to respond to any messages. So for now I’m just giving into the possibility that I have no real clue. I could have been wrong, my visions could be a completely different person, and they could have merely been symbolic. There’s a first time for everything, and I know what I felt was validation that I was getting AVI from god, but it doesn’t mean I translated it correctly. I relinquish that eventually, maybe years from now, maybe after I’m dead, I’ll have a full understanding. For now I wait, as patiently as possible, accepting that I’ve got enough for now, and I’m eager for more good things to come in proper time.

Be well, may you find your doubtless thoughts and good manifestations. May we all be eager for more good in all of our lives.