I’m struggling right now, so is my family. But, that has all brought me amazing clarity on what I really want, and that is already in my vortex. Struggle can be easily replaced with improvement just by some focus. So I’m going to focus on the positives and do my best to make light and joy of it.
I used to be Jabba-buska the Hut:
This Jabba the Hut:
But with a bit more babushka:
Now I’m a little more:
I’m kinda like that head witch in the middle- the one with black hair, large but definitely a woman… finally! It’s really nice to actually have a waist line for once, it’d be nice if it was a few inches lower, but I’ll take it! This artwork cracks me up by the way, this image would have been painted in a church, probably on the ceiling, but christians are generally speaking so afraid of nudity, I think all those naked church pictures traumatized everyone! The saw all the possibilities of the human body and behaviors and simply lost their minds it was too much to process and they just shut down. I wonder if the people most concerned about nudity refuse to go to the historic churches where pictures like this are found!
Anyway, tangent, I was on the subject of improvement.
I used to be scary-deamon mom who will slice and dice you if you step out of line:
To, now, I can be this mostly:
And only occasionally, I turn just a bit, enough to scare the daylights out of children:
Control, when applicable, is totally a good thing. I can’t control a damn thing outside of myself, I can only control what’s inside myself. And my improvement is knowing that.
I have earned my miracles, every last one of them. And I’ll keep doing my best every day of my life, that’s a great belief.
I strive to do better so that humanity is able to improve as a result. I’m a willing participant in evolution for better. I’m deserving of my healing, but I’m also deserving of my children’s healing, my husband healing, our family showing it’s possible. That ripple will help enable everyone to know it’s possible and humanity needs that.
So I’m focusing on improvement in every aspect… To be continued … Just after I separate two children.
May your meditations and musings always be uninterrupted. May your children cooperate with you and sleep. May you find the light and know that humor sometimes helps get there by making things lighter. May you see your path to improvement and know that God loves and supports you in all that you do.
I was musing about how we manifest things and how we need a blend of everything to live a full healthy life. It also left me with great gratitude over my life in general.
It started with thinking about how electronic devices mess up our vision over time. Our eyes last longest, and function best in old age, when we allow ourselves to see everything as we age. Everything near, everything far, and everything in between. So, too much electronics is too much near, and not enough of the rest of everything, it causes nearsightedness for many people gradually over time. Yet those that spend years of their lives either seeing trauma repeatedly, or turning a blind eye to the negatives, also end up with eye trouble where they simply can’t see anything anymore. They spent so much time wishing they couldn’t see what they were looking at, that they ended up blind. I have worked with those very people once the damage was already too significant to change, and several of them knew that was exactly what happened. One had spent her career as an ICU nurse and had seeing so many horrible atrocities and accidents that she knew it had likely contruibuted to her blindness.
As thoughts often do, one thing led to another and I was contemplating my place in this world. I would not be where I am, and with the desires I have, if I had not experienced a little of everything.
I know I am in the shallow end of the pool as far as traumas go. I have watched enough news and seen enough documentaries to know that without a doubt. I am extremely grateful that my real traumas were far less than traumas I am aware of.
No my troubles have definitely been more because of dis-ease ingrained by familial habits, and the resulting enabling of a physical disease into my body.
And that is where I find gratitude for both the Divine and myself.
When I was loosing to the disease that wanted my brain and body stressed enough for it’s own self-preservation, the divine would find a way in, just long enough that I knew something was wrong and needed fixed. The Divine managed to keep my ass alive and aware enough, to not actually give up, even when the disease in me was doing it’s best to convince me otherwise. The miracles that the Divine used to keep me alive are still to this day amazing and my gratitude is immense.
But my gratitude is even more immense for myself.
Here’s the deal, you don’t go from the following before pictures to the after pictures, based solely on the awareness that the Divine kept me from committing suicide.
No, the Divine may have enabled several miracles for me to stay alive, but then I did the rest. Doctors didn’t try very hard to fix it for real. My family didn’t either, but my mom gave it a decent try. No one but Nathan supported me through changes and challenges. I did the work, I did the research, I did the testing, I argued with doctors wanting the easy band-aid. I did the exercising and eating right. I was the one that fought my brain to have enough willpower to walk away from damaging foods. I was the one that pushed myself to do better than the average person. I was the one that kept trying, kept striving to stick to my vow and genuinely search for a solution to help my children.
I am lucky to have survived disease riddled brain creating suicidal situations, and for that I still thank God.
But, I have worked my ass off to improve and make my health and life better. My sheer willpower and drive has been the biggest factor in why I have accomplished as much as I have. I’m the one that lost 100 pounds while fighting thyroid disease. I’m the one that figured out my allergies, that it was my thyroid causing the most grief, that blood sugars were connected to immune function. I’m the one that figured out helpful supplements to manage symptoms better than the docs did. I’m the one that supported an entire family, and gave birth to two children, all while doing everything else I just mentioned. I’m the one that kicked ass for nearly a decade to not just stay alive but to attempt to find life, and hopefully an enjoyable one at that.
I did it for myself, even when a diseased brain told me otherwise.
I will keep striving because I haven’t managed a complete fix on the resources I have available at this time. I know there has to be a way, and I’m determined to find it. I know the pieces of the puzzle, but my current resources are not meeting the need, and I’m still calculating how I might be able to increase resources and decrease time investment, to accomplish everything that is needed to fall into place for the full healing I seek. Some people have accomplished it, and one is a client of mine.
I look forward to that. I look forward to my results of my hard work. My thank you to God for being rescued is my hard work to finish what God started. I can hope that there’s also a reward at the end of the tunnel, but I’m content knowing that my efforts are my “thank you’s” for the miracles that kept me from dieing.
For now I have mild evidence of my efforts and progress. My blood work and testing is all improved. My A1C is down to normal range (no Rx medicine enabled that). The Thyroid Nodule is in “just watch it” size range at 1mm, which is .5-1mm smaller than previous, being they could have biopsied it before and didn’t. My cholesterol is good, bad cholesterol is well below their concern range, and good cholesterol could be a little more but is fine. My B12 level is great. And Thyroid TSH is much closer to ideal. One more NDT Rx adjustment to be had and then follow up in 6 weeks to make sure it was adequate. She thinks most of my anamolous symptoms are thyroid related, but she forgot to do Covid antibody on the last blood draw, so they just drew it. My progress may not be earth shattering, but it’s still progress and I did it all on my own.
May you see how hard you have worked. May you know that you are deserving of all improvement experienced. May you know that your efforts mattered and made a difference not just for you, but in this world too. May you know that the Divine has played a role in keeping you alive. May you experience gratitude for all of it, and genuinely appreciate your self and all of your efforts both physical and nonphysical. Above all may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.
Since about 8:30 pm Saturday night I’ve slept more than I have been awake. In fact I’ve probably had 30 hours of sleep over the last 48.
When I did finally try to get moving, my body hurt everywhere. Hot spots I’ve been ignoring to stay functional, finally hit max density. I’m on my second Epsom salt bath now, having taken one yesterday to attempt to clear the energetic clutter for better rest.
There has been no hard labor this weekend and I’m extremely grateful I was given the day off from admin duty. I’m not sure I would have been functional if I’d have tried to do the work.
I found myself feeling very accomplished to have made two batches of CBD-hemp-bud brownies. We had not accomplished it prior and since we’ve run out of the gummies days ago, I knew it was time. (I’ll also need a paycheck before I can replenish any of that genre of supplies.) It seems like I ordered the hemp buds 3 months ago, I know it was before Nathan went in the hospital and that was April 23rd.
Anyway, they had been sitting in our medicine cabinet waiting to be used, and I needed them to be used properly because the 18 grams cost me a good chunk of change at about 250.00+. If you’re wondering, the science has gotten so good that strains are now being crossed to produce high dose CBD/CBG and negligeable THC, and to be sold here in the USA they have to pass lab testing, essentially proving they have less than .3% THC. So these buds are kosher and high quality at 20%+ CBD. I ordered them from Cheef Botanicals online, still can’t order good quality hemp products on Amazon BTW.
So, I looked up gluten free, dairy free, recipes and made one batch vegan for Nathan. Carob powder was substituted for chocolate since I’ve already overdone chocolate lately (thanks stress). The two batches came out spectacular and are being refrigerated while I soak in the tub.
They have already been cut in to approximately 1 inch squares, so each pan is approxumately 70 doses. Yea!
Anyway, when I get out of the tub Nathan has promised to do his level best to knock out my sore achy spots, so he’s working on prepping for that now. I’m likely going to need advil later, but hopefully it’ll make me functional for work this week.
With our new mess I’m having difficulty keeping my puzzle together and it has me a bit worried. Finances and lack of trade partners have prevented massages when I really needed them, and even timing isn’t working in my favor for working on myself. It is partly my fault because the gaps have been filled with artwork more, I needed art therapy too. And when I haven’t been doing art, I’ve been attempting to fit in exercise which helps my brain, but doesn’t help the body aches. Even with those attempts I’m still significantly behind in my exercise routine. It’s just a mess and one I’ve not managed to balance yet. That is the most probable cause for the last 2 days of my experience. The psychic junk is a result of fatigue letting it in, it’s hard to control my guard while exhausted. The fatigue is a combination of all of the elements of my life put together, including working on others in health trouble. Like I said it’s just a mess.
Time and patience with myself well help regain balance. Encouragement from others would help too, but I’m not holding my breath there.
May you have plenty of energy and rest when you need it. May you feel good mostly and feel better when you don’t. May you know your puzzle well enough to manage it even under the most trying of circumstances. Above all may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.