One ultimately Infinitely Undefinable One finitely Labelable
Two parts Of MY Whole
I will never Change Because I am constantly Changing
Always being Me Improving
Striving Work Never-ending Possibilities Of betterment
Worked too hard To undo What's done
Won't Can't Go back To worse To lesser
Times Emotions Attitudes
Main trajectory Upwards Aimed for Heaven Goals in mind
Knowing Inaccuracies In My aim
Willing to settle Heaven Isn't necessarily In the Sky
Stars Do Fall
Dreams May come In disguise Or as Surprise
Still have to Aim Somewhere
Just Aim for Improvement You'll always Be right
May you see yourself in new light, and see others in the best ways possible now. May you have more understanding, acceptance, and appreciation for your journey within. May you know your greatest journey and most wonderful rewards come from elements unseen, others will rarely notice. May you feel the knowing that you have worked towards improvement and bettered your life and those around you. May you know you have had an impact on this world and be at peace with how that manifested. May you know your mortality and accept the process peacefully when the time is ripe. Above all may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all you do.
I was already thinking about my childhood when I saw the quote. Initially, contemplation was stirred by several people having asked me if I liked what I do.
I have answered honestly every time that question has ever been asked, and surprisingly my answer is not much different that the first time I was asked years ago.
In general I love what I do. I help people, I enable people to feel better and I often guide them towards finding healing (or with elderly- release, which is its own kind of healing). There have been points in my history where finances were very tight or other elements were stressful, but mostly my career is low stress and adequate financially. I will likely never become a millionaire on massage alone, but I have changed lives and helped others find less stress and more peace. I help people every day that I get up and go do what I do best.
And that is the key: WHAT I do BEST.
My best is not always hands rubbing and poking muscles. My best is not always words that come out of my mouth. My best changes from moment to moment. Sometimes it is energy work, sometimes it is the massage, sometimes it is saying just the right words at just the right moment, and sometimes it is what I do when I’m not earning my keep.
And I don’t always manage my best, but I always know why.
My mom was key in better understanding of the phrase “Always do your best”. She was the one that repeated it frequently, but she also had a deeper understanding of it.
She would tell us stories of how she was punished by teachers when she couldn’t read the blackboard after having had Scarlett fever, and finally one teacher figured out she simply couldn’t see. She would tell us stories of being moved around over and over again because she was a military kid, and all of the trouble it caused for her, but how she would get through. There were dozens of stories I heard as a kid where she was conveying that she was doing her best to survive and get through even when no one else noticed or cared, but eventually it mattered and got better.
She was key in my understanding that “Always do your best” only really matters to you. It only matters to the person doing their best. You are the only one that can determine if you are doing your best in any given moment or any given situation.
I then thought of when I was a kid participating in district solo and ensemble competitions. I was that kid that aimed for the 1’s not because I got ribbons and medals. No I aimed at the 1’s because I wanted to do my best regardless of anyone else. I would sit in a corner practicing quietly and let everyone ignore me, and later I would beat up on myself for mistakes because I knew I could do better. It wasn’t until years later that I understood I had already done my best because stage fright was real for me. Simply having managed receiving 1’s multiple times over, when battling stage fright intensely, was a feat in and of itself. Simply conquering my dyslexia on my own was a feat of my fortitude.
I was the kid that was bullied, molested, picked on or ignored mostly. But I still did my best getting good grades, setting curves, winning music and art competitions, and volunteering whenever I was able.
And to this day I am satisfied with my self-sufficient kick-ass way of always doing my best.
None of my accomplishments mean anything to the world, but they are no less amazing and spectacular. None of my accomplishments mean much to my birth family, but they are no less amazing and spectacular.
I am standing on my own and with great knowing that I can and will continue to do so, no matter what.
I am in a marriage that was completely unsupported by anyone. I have kids that were unaccepted because they are mixed race. I have largely done it all on my own and I still give my love to others daily.
I do not need anyone to support me or make things better, because I know that I always do my best, no matter what. I also know that those that shy away from me because of my baggage, are entirely missing the point.
I am a beautiful goddess and strong in my power. I am not perfect, I am a human goddess. I make mistakes, and I understand how to do better the next time. I constantly strive to do better because I know my best can keep improving. My best matters to me because it got me through when there was no one and no way to do it otherwise. My best is the result of all I’ve seen, done, and learned along the way.
And I forgive myself for the moments that weren’t my best. Humans make mistakes. It’s what you do with your mistakes that matters.
So yes, I love my career because it bring great satisfaction with minimal stress and it allows me to do my best every day I live.
To quote Abraham: “Money isn’t the root of all evil, but it isn’t the cause or solution of everything either”. For me I’d love to have more money, but I’m satisfied with the results of doing my best, even if more money never comes. My best is what has always mattered to me the most, and it’s not always measurable in dollars.
May you know that you do your best always. May you know what your best looks like and find forgiveness for the moments that aren’t. May you always understand why you didn’t accomplish your best and know how to improve next time. May you see the good in all parts of your life and have greater understanding for yourself and others. May you find that your best guides you to joyful work and a joyful life. Above all may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.
I’m struggling right now, so is my family. But, that has all brought me amazing clarity on what I really want, and that is already in my vortex. Struggle can be easily replaced with improvement just by some focus. So I’m going to focus on the positives and do my best to make light and joy of it.
I used to be Jabba-buska the Hut:
This Jabba the Hut:
But with a bit more babushka:
Now I’m a little more:
I’m kinda like that head witch in the middle- the one with black hair, large but definitely a woman… finally! It’s really nice to actually have a waist line for once, it’d be nice if it was a few inches lower, but I’ll take it! This artwork cracks me up by the way, this image would have been painted in a church, probably on the ceiling, but christians are generally speaking so afraid of nudity, I think all those naked church pictures traumatized everyone! The saw all the possibilities of the human body and behaviors and simply lost their minds it was too much to process and they just shut down. I wonder if the people most concerned about nudity refuse to go to the historic churches where pictures like this are found!
Anyway, tangent, I was on the subject of improvement.
I used to be scary-deamon mom who will slice and dice you if you step out of line:
To, now, I can be this mostly:
And only occasionally, I turn just a bit, enough to scare the daylights out of children:
Control, when applicable, is totally a good thing. I can’t control a damn thing outside of myself, I can only control what’s inside myself. And my improvement is knowing that.
I have earned my miracles, every last one of them. And I’ll keep doing my best every day of my life, that’s a great belief.
I strive to do better so that humanity is able to improve as a result. I’m a willing participant in evolution for better. I’m deserving of my healing, but I’m also deserving of my children’s healing, my husband healing, our family showing it’s possible. That ripple will help enable everyone to know it’s possible and humanity needs that.
So I’m focusing on improvement in every aspect… To be continued … Just after I separate two children.
May your meditations and musings always be uninterrupted. May your children cooperate with you and sleep. May you find the light and know that humor sometimes helps get there by making things lighter. May you see your path to improvement and know that God loves and supports you in all that you do.
I was musing about how we manifest things and how we need a blend of everything to live a full healthy life. It also left me with great gratitude over my life in general.
It started with thinking about how electronic devices mess up our vision over time. Our eyes last longest, and function best in old age, when we allow ourselves to see everything as we age. Everything near, everything far, and everything in between. So, too much electronics is too much near, and not enough of the rest of everything, it causes nearsightedness for many people gradually over time. Yet those that spend years of their lives either seeing trauma repeatedly, or turning a blind eye to the negatives, also end up with eye trouble where they simply can’t see anything anymore. They spent so much time wishing they couldn’t see what they were looking at, that they ended up blind. I have worked with those very people once the damage was already too significant to change, and several of them knew that was exactly what happened. One had spent her career as an ICU nurse and had seeing so many horrible atrocities and accidents that she knew it had likely contruibuted to her blindness.
As thoughts often do, one thing led to another and I was contemplating my place in this world. I would not be where I am, and with the desires I have, if I had not experienced a little of everything.
I know I am in the shallow end of the pool as far as traumas go. I have watched enough news and seen enough documentaries to know that without a doubt. I am extremely grateful that my real traumas were far less than traumas I am aware of.
No my troubles have definitely been more because of dis-ease ingrained by familial habits, and the resulting enabling of a physical disease into my body.
And that is where I find gratitude for both the Divine and myself.
When I was loosing to the disease that wanted my brain and body stressed enough for it’s own self-preservation, the divine would find a way in, just long enough that I knew something was wrong and needed fixed. The Divine managed to keep my ass alive and aware enough, to not actually give up, even when the disease in me was doing it’s best to convince me otherwise. The miracles that the Divine used to keep me alive are still to this day amazing and my gratitude is immense.
But my gratitude is even more immense for myself.
Here’s the deal, you don’t go from the following before pictures to the after pictures, based solely on the awareness that the Divine kept me from committing suicide.
No, the Divine may have enabled several miracles for me to stay alive, but then I did the rest. Doctors didn’t try very hard to fix it for real. My family didn’t either, but my mom gave it a decent try. No one but Nathan supported me through changes and challenges. I did the work, I did the research, I did the testing, I argued with doctors wanting the easy band-aid. I did the exercising and eating right. I was the one that fought my brain to have enough willpower to walk away from damaging foods. I was the one that pushed myself to do better than the average person. I was the one that kept trying, kept striving to stick to my vow and genuinely search for a solution to help my children.
I am lucky to have survived disease riddled brain creating suicidal situations, and for that I still thank God.
But, I have worked my ass off to improve and make my health and life better. My sheer willpower and drive has been the biggest factor in why I have accomplished as much as I have. I’m the one that lost 100 pounds while fighting thyroid disease. I’m the one that figured out my allergies, that it was my thyroid causing the most grief, that blood sugars were connected to immune function. I’m the one that figured out helpful supplements to manage symptoms better than the docs did. I’m the one that supported an entire family, and gave birth to two children, all while doing everything else I just mentioned. I’m the one that kicked ass for nearly a decade to not just stay alive but to attempt to find life, and hopefully an enjoyable one at that.
I did it for myself, even when a diseased brain told me otherwise.
I will keep striving because I haven’t managed a complete fix on the resources I have available at this time. I know there has to be a way, and I’m determined to find it. I know the pieces of the puzzle, but my current resources are not meeting the need, and I’m still calculating how I might be able to increase resources and decrease time investment, to accomplish everything that is needed to fall into place for the full healing I seek. Some people have accomplished it, and one is a client of mine.
I look forward to that. I look forward to my results of my hard work. My thank you to God for being rescued is my hard work to finish what God started. I can hope that there’s also a reward at the end of the tunnel, but I’m content knowing that my efforts are my “thank you’s” for the miracles that kept me from dieing.
For now I have mild evidence of my efforts and progress. My blood work and testing is all improved. My A1C is down to normal range (no Rx medicine enabled that). The Thyroid Nodule is in “just watch it” size range at 1mm, which is .5-1mm smaller than previous, being they could have biopsied it before and didn’t. My cholesterol is good, bad cholesterol is well below their concern range, and good cholesterol could be a little more but is fine. My B12 level is great. And Thyroid TSH is much closer to ideal. One more NDT Rx adjustment to be had and then follow up in 6 weeks to make sure it was adequate. She thinks most of my anamolous symptoms are thyroid related, but she forgot to do Covid antibody on the last blood draw, so they just drew it. My progress may not be earth shattering, but it’s still progress and I did it all on my own.
May you see how hard you have worked. May you know that you are deserving of all improvement experienced. May you know that your efforts mattered and made a difference not just for you, but in this world too. May you know that the Divine has played a role in keeping you alive. May you experience gratitude for all of it, and genuinely appreciate your self and all of your efforts both physical and nonphysical. Above all may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.