Tag Archives: alignment

Intentionally Vague

Tired of stalkers that want to be all up in my business, think they are “helping”, but put their agenda and two cents worth in when I didn’t ask for it. And it’s actually mostly energetic. In fact several of these people have denied me over and over again in face to face interactions. Playing innocent or ignorant or even down right telling me off.

I am seeing the chaos and mayhem thread that runs through several individuals. They definitely have the wavelength of Shiva-God-of-destruction down pat. I suppose I should have quit praying to Shiva when I got out from the worst of my problems. But even that God archetype has a good side, so why the hell do I keep getting the worst side? You only have to destroy once and then spend the rest of the time creating beauty, so why didn’t I get the good creation side?

Anyway, the last few weeks many, many posts have been read from the entirety of my writing journey. I am suspicious of which individuals are rehashing my history, by which posts have been viewed. Dad is obviously one, big surprise- not.

I wouldn’t really care about them being hung up on me, if their fixation moments didn’t fling giant globs of energetic poo at me and my family. I don’t want what they think I want, and they can’t, for whatever reason, see that their efforts are not actually helping me. It’s because they are reaching for what they would want if ____ was said, not reaching for Treasa says she wants _____. I also suspect they are fixating on one aspect and details, instead of the general overall package and feel (Abraham tells us over and over that is how we fail so often anyways).

So then chaos ensues.

Good example. Dad hates my husband and barely acknowledges him as being in my life. I’m certain he’s sent prayers, and overly fixated on Nathan needing replaced, and he probably thinks it should be by someone like my poor little daddy-o. Because I keep ending up with more people in my life that are just like my father. Jealous, bitter, self-hating, addiction laden people that think they know what’s best for me. They want to tell me what I really want or shoot down every possibility, with things that could go wrong. When they aren’t telling me my desires are inappropriate or too complicated, they are busy challenging me, like I need to prove myself to them. Yet none of them work on themselves, no they only focus on: what are my abilities, what are my skills, can I handle this or that, how quickly can I grasp something?

Here’s the kicker, I have passed every such test with flying colors for several years running. Multiple individuals testing me for their own gain, and no serious failures in my part.

Yet not a damn one of them offered me the funding to start Atira. Not a damn one of them honored me and respected me in any lasting tangible ways. Not a damn one of them congratulated me publicly. Not a damn one of them offered me a job that was actually financial improvement for me. Not a damn one of them offered to help me through my next goals. Not a damn one of them gave me emotional support. Not a damn one of them helped me keep my depression puzzle together. None.

Two attempted to help with housing but at the cost of my hours and hours of tedious and difficult labor. Which, one helped negligebly and was busy distracting us with requests to help them with many things, and the other helped more, but cost me a small fortune and blamed me for the sky falling. Three half-heartedly helped with birth of children.

But my Nathan has done all of it. Nathan has never tested me. Nathan has publicly acknowledged and congratulated everything I have done and accomplished. Nathan has offered his finances to help with business goals. Nathan has done his level best to support me in all ways, including reaching goals, housing, births, and depression puzzle needs. And on top of it all Nathan loves me unconditionally and shows affection every time I need it and many many times that I don’t. He genuinely supports everything that I want from the ‘how can I help you get there’ view.

So if you are one of my stalkers that have played dumb to my face: get a fucking life. If you really truly cared you would say it to my face in kind manners and words. You would show love and affection like a good friend or loved family. The fact that you ruminate on my lack of giving you all the credit is proof that you never actually cared about me or my well-being. The fact that you can’t be fully kind and caring to me directly proves that I was never in your heart. Do you even have a heart, or are you all just uncaring calculating ass-hats out to get what you want? You think a little pretending will convince me you care enough to be able to manipulate me. It only got you a handful of inexpensive gifts, or my time, and I see right through you. It’s okay, I am no longer interested, I was waiting for you to get your shit together to try to give you a second chance. I believe everyone deserves extra chances, but none of you cared to see my intelligence or genuine caring, to even see that I was trying to help you and give you more chances. Your manipulative decisions have become a turn off. All seeing stalker eyes or not. None of you get it and won’t even see my new decisions coming.

I am beginning to wonder if anyone in this world knows or understands love, affection and kindness anymore.

Currently, there are three in my daily life that I believe are part of this vague rant, beyond my father and others from my past. All three are failing to deal with themselves, and all three have significant addictions (one food, one drug, and one body-chemistry/thought-drama), all three pretend they care and are interested. But none of them are really authentic, none are genuine with me, let alone anyone else. None of them follow through with anything I care about, none of them give of themselves unconditionally (all expecting tit-for-tat type exchanges).

Yet despite my best efforts to play tit-for-tat and still give of myself to them unconditionally, I still get waves of negative chaos in my experience.

Frequently, I can feel which person is responsible for the particular chaos wave I’m dealing with. See my gift gets more understood all the time. When the chaos hits, I now feel parts of my body that connect to certain individuals; be it just where the connection fell or they actually touched me there or somehow my body held a memory of them there due to ailments of theirs or whatnot. When the physical sensations arise I often get a paired thought of that spot that confirms the person. So most of the last few weeks I’ve known whom was fixating on my blog, thus on my not meeting their expectations, and creating negative chaos in my experience.

On one hand I am getting much better at kicking them out, my anger can be just as strong as Lord Shivas’. Potent anger directed at the source of chaos is an easy way to cause it to cease.

There’s also been lots of telling the archetype off. “Shiva go destroy yourself. Destroy your own anger, jealousy, greed, and chaos. Destroy yourself and your bullshit. Siva Hir Su. Siva Hir Su. Siva Hir Su.”

I mean it. I need no more destruction. I’m ready to throw in the towel like my father and walk away from this world, but I’m pretty sure I’ve hit my limit where it’ll stick this time because I know I beat depression. It’s easier to kill yourself when you know you’ve done everything you could, improved things as much as possible in every way, and your world is just plain not worth living in. Bonus I found a gun today, so I even have access to the proper tool this time.

Siva Hir Su

I need the loving, protective, creative, supportive side of God. I don’t need anymore kicks in the ass, I need acknowledgement, much greater financial support, less work (God seems to forget that I’ve spent over 3 years working 6 to 7 days a week), and more healing (the last round of EBV flare-up a couple months ago did a number on my pancreas and I have yet to recover).

I need the loving kindness of divine caring. I need healing on the deepest fullest level, the kind that makes your body tingle and every cell feels relief, near miracle. I need appreciation. I need rest but with every bit of my income plus some. I need my broad desires, the big picture, the whole package, to begin manifesting.

Because, it is pointless to walk away from this particular set of nonsense, you just get repeat. I’ll just end up with a similar but different set. I’ve done that several times.

No if things don’t genuinely improve for me, inside and out, I will choose death and rebirth willingly.

I have prayed enough for hosts of angels, all the divine in all is aspects, to help. Start showing it, and kill the chaos. Start helping me experience the better that the bible, koran, bhagavad gita, and other ancient texts talk about. I’ve had glimpses of the good things, but the chaos is so busy destroying my world that my glimpses are fleeting. I want the chaos to just end.

My new mantra:

“My vortex knows what I need. My vortex knows what I want. My Good God knows the quickest easiest route to get it to manifest in my life. I love myself and deserve more. Om gum ganpatiye. Om shanti.”

May you never have extreme chaos disrupt your world. May you enjoy your experience. May everyone around you be genuine and authentic. May you know that others genuinely care about you and love you. May you have ample reasons to keep living. May you enjoy your life.

Om Shanti

As I Am.

I sit soaking in my tub, with 3 pounds of Epsom Salts in the water. Enough to relax muscles and cleanse energetic junk. As I soak I’m singing along to Summer Osbourne’s song “As I Am”. It’s really helping a lot!

This isn’t the best recording ever, but gives you an idea why I love her music.

This link has the whole album with better audio….

It is cleansing a shit-tastic roller-coaster rocky-climb of a couple weeks out of my system. Today was an especially special day where I metaphorically ran all day long just trying to keep up. A large chunk of it was a three floor plumbing disaster with me and one other manager on duty.

Yet, I mostly managed to keep it together these two weeks. I had my moments of that being in question, but I didn’t ever crash until late at night, and when I did, I went straight to sleep.

I am so grateful for the song and the soak, so I reached out to Summer with the following. I really do appreciate her in many ways.

Even though I can’t duplicate that concert from years ago, I can still appreciate the memory. I know whether she reads my words tonight or later, that she probably needs the lift of a compliment as much as I do.

If we lived closer to one another, I’d do so much more, like I do for so many.

Right now I’m doing my best to release a strong desire for reciprocation. I have given compliments, gifts, flowers, and help to many people and many organizations, and it seems I still wait for any to return to me. I fight the energetic backlash of those that feel like I owe them more and more. I fight the energetic drain of those that simply need more than I’m able to give. But I still do my best to help as much as I’m able, knowing I may never see any return to me. I can hope right?

In the midst of today I took 3 seconds to snap a picture of a flyer at work (see below) that I know my presence contributed to. I noticed it a while ago, but it’s posted in an area with restricted travel due to covid, so I have been waiting patiently for the moment to claim proof. If you’re a regular reader you probably see my influence as readily as I do. The first time I noticed it it made me cry.

I know that superiors had been stalking me electronically after my one chain of command lapse a year and a half ago. I never had proof until this poster. I’m flattered and honored they took advice I never gave them directly. I just wish moments like that meant more for my individual daily experience of life.

I am grateful that I was able to have a positive impact on such a large organization.

As the chiropractor flippantly commented: ‘maybe that’ll earn me my angel wings’.

I’m not so concerned about angel wings, I just had hoped that God would help me improve life so my kids didn’t have to struggle so hard to stay healthy and to find themselves. I had hoped maybe if I could help others, God would help me find my healing. So far, I keep giving and hoping, and struggle to overcome my angry-at-the-world moments.

So. I sing. I am safe, I am loved, I am grateful, I am free. I’m as perfect as can be. I am here, I am whole, as I am.

Thank you Summer Osborne.

God, it really would be nice for a little more reciprocation some times, or at least for my immune system to chill the eff out.

May you know you are safe, loved, perfect and whole. May you find gratitude in whatever ways possible, even if you have to squint to see it, or search long and hard for the tiny tidbits to reach for. May you know God supports you and that someday it’ll be worth it somehow. May you know everything works out for the best.

Siva Hir Su

Hello Sun

Thank you God for an East facing window next to a desk just for me.

Last night I used mechanical means to help elevate my mood- mostly herbal/plant based. **(See Below)** Something my father would not have done, no he would have wallowed for days and slept it off not talking to anyone for ages- that or he would have started yelling/screaming over everything.

I am not my father, because I have chosen better. I chose to reach for better and do better no matter what. I choose to make better decisions no matter where I am at, what might have caused it, or why. So, I didn’t withdrawal or yell at anyone, I took my herbal aids and rejoined life.

So, I apologized to God for taking the easy route and used the elevation in mood to reach for the combination of solution for myself. I chose to ignore the cause behind it, because I was certain enough that I already knew the cause. Besides, just because you think you know the cause doesn’t mean you can’t still reach for solution. On the flip side, even if you have no clue what the cause is, you can still reach for the solution. I chose to reach for better, because I know that no matter what the topic is there is always a solution after the fact. It doesn’t matter if it’s disease of any kind, depression, or external stressers and world woes, EVERYTHING has a solution if we choose to reach for it.

So today, I salut the Sun from my office window while I wait for my first client to arrive, knowing that sunshine, a little art therapy, a supplement refill, and some much needed exercise will be large factors in my solution.

This is my new office, I’m still not quite used to it, but I’m getting there.

I have fully moved into it and rearranged a few things several times, including my artwork being reframed. I still stub toes on my rolling stool, and have to stop and think where I put things when I need them, but generally I am starting to settle in.

I do appreciate having more space and an actual desk. It’s already been helpful. I do appreciate having easy access to the ceiling-bar so I don’t hurt myself anymore. I do love the East facing window on sunny mornings. The few cons will dissipate over time, especially once I figure out solutions for them. First is, I really need to find some kind of no-slip stoppers for the table feet, it migrates across the room as I’m working on people. Mildly obnoxious, but relatively easy to fix.

I’m the meantime, I have spent the last 12 to 14 hours reaching for better. At this point my extra herbal boost has worn off, but I’m still reaching. I’m still aiming for good and improvement. I have thought about my beautiful children and my adorable pets. I have appreciated the home which I worked so hard to get.

I have appreciated myself, all the things that I have done and accomplished, despite my angry and bitter father trying to convince me not to. He may have been right about poverty plaguing me for years, but pretty much everything else he got wrong, and it makes me wonder if I gave him too much power on the poverty topic anyway. He was determined that the only way to get through life was follow status quo and do all the things you’re supposed to do. I realized that every single thing he told me not to do, are the things that actually help me feel better and enjoy life. And things he was adamant were ideal, are the things that bring me the most discomfort.

Working hard and having a job in the system are miserable. My art degree and doing artwork are uplifting. The idea of crunching numbers all the time as an engineer would, is horribly boring, mind numbing. Being able to help people every day is uplifting.

Doing the safe, tried and true that society deems as functional may keep you safe and relatively stable; but it’s exhilarating to acknowledge that I have supported an entire family, on my own, when it was risky, when I was supposed to just go get a job, when what I was doing could have failed miserably. I kept a family afloat when everyone around me wanted to convince me it was foolhardy and unsustainable.

I have worked as a massage therapist for 13 years, when my class was instructed the career-life of the average massage therapist is 5 years. I help people everyday with things when their doctor told them they’d just have to live with it. I help people even when they refuse to let go and make my work difficult for me.

Beyond that I help outside of massage. I’ve made and donated signs and artwork of a variety. I’ve supported food banks and homeless shelters. I’ve donated belongings to charitable organizations. I helped my father escape a hospital when he doesn’t want to be in the system anymore. I am currently helping Autumn regain her footing in life, including transportation, setting up appointments and doing my level best to help her with emotional support and pain management. And though my reader base is small, I know I’ve helped at least a few people know they aren’t alone and that anything can be fixed if you allow God to help you see the solutions. I know my words have helped being some understanding and some relief too this crazy world of ours. I know my words generally help people see how to reach for better and know they aren’t alone.

My failures and missteps have given me lessons to learn and grow, and my words help others learn those lessons more gently. My father may have created an environnement of abuse and damage that caused many long-term problems for me, but I turned those problems into lessons for myself and everyone. I learned from them and grew and have shown everyone they can do it too.

I have chosen to learn things just because I find value in them, and I know I can learn anything that I want to. The bonus is God has my back and guides me to knowing which things are best for me. When I feel good, I know I’m doing what God wants me to do, even when it doesn’t make sense at the time.

We all are in this boat together. If you are having these same/similar realizations, then please know God wants us to succeed. The fate of humanity lies in us being able to maintain our connection and work together for solutions for all. No matter where you are, what you are doing, where you think you are headed, always reach for better and reach for solutions. Humanity needs us to do that more than ever.

I know that we can do it. We have already broken down so many of the old dysfunctional beliefs and paradigms. Just because they said this or that, doesn’t mean it is true for us. When they realize that their ways no longer apply, they will probably all exit, and that’s okay. There no reason to keep pummeling new generations with outdated, useless beliefs and paradigms. Humanity needs to learn and grow and reach for better and many of those old ways prevent that. We all must focus on the solutions that allow for goodness and growth for all of human kind. Only if something supports humanity as a whole should it continue. It is time that the light wins and we get our lives back. It is time for the solutions that enable living wholly and completely.


May you see your solutions easily. May you know what to reach for and how to put solutions into place. May you see how to come together with others to create lasting relief for everyone. May you see that even after something seemingly negative there is always a solution to be found. May you see that you can do anything and there is no need to hide from anything, there is no need play it safe. If you stay connected anything you do is safe. May you understand God supports you. May you know you are loved and that all learning lessons are good lessons, and that you can learn anything you want to.

Siva Hir Su


**=… … This is purely my own suggestion based on what I do for myself, and though I’d love to be compensated for it, I currently am not. … … I highly recommend several supplements as solutions for managing systemic depression, as often (but not always) depression is a symptom of mechanical failure within the brain and/or body. Those would be: A good methylated B-complex at high doses, magnesium- dose may vary, fish oil – also at large doses, Adrenal Caps by Solaray especially if stress is a factor or cause, CBD oil and/or cannabis products. These are all good for general causes of depression. Oftentimes hormones or thyroid play a role and you’d want to address those as well. … … My current favorite general booster is “Free and Easy Wanderer” tea pills available from MayWay, I have to take a lot when I really dip, but if I take enough it’s way better than any prescription antidepressant that I’ve ever tried, and the bonus is that I don’t have to take it every day- only when I drop, it also doesn’t have any side effects that I’ve noticed.