Tag Archives: always an answer

Next!

A continuation of previous inquiries.

  • I wonder if men are afraid that they will be treated by women the way they as a whole gender have treated women for so long?
  • Do the men that fear retribution not see there are ways to safely return balance, and that their own actions matter?
  • And the layered wrongness of assuming a woman did sexual favors to get into any position of power…. Should we also assume that men do sexual favors for each other to get into those positions? We already know there is a fair amount of human trafficking of women for those men, but maybe they are also just giving each other head to climb ladders. Or isn’t it just vile that we have to make any of those assumptions, when did being at the top loose any meaning of knowledge, skill, fortitude, or accomplishments?
  • I was once told it is wrong to think or wish anyone dead no matter how disrespectful or disgraceful they were as a human being. It is truth because wishing death on anyone for any negative reason is harmful to oneself because you are focusing on a negative because of a negative. Those patterns only beget more of the same, but when the thoughts are internal they often trigger the same pattern internally and lead to ill health. However, should we also not see and find solutions for the fact that vile people lead our country and medical systems? Should we not acknowledge that it’s simply not okay for those people to be in power and to be causing us harm on multiple levels including gender inequality and stripping away of rights and freedoms?
  • And, are you contemplating their death from a cruel, vindictive, or good riddance standpoint; or more from a compassionate view for them or those they are affecting? The how’s and why’s of death’s contemplation is what makes it negative or not. I have prayed for the peace and soothing release that someone desperately needs through death, far more frequently than for a death of a ‘healthy’ individual. Even at that, the ‘healthy’ individual is a relative statement, because most of those individuals were causing harm and hardships for many, which one could argue is not healthy for them, but definitely not healthy for the masses, and my requests are always generated from the relief for the most standpoint.
  • My own personal goal is to not do anything I am not willing to accept as my own consequence. If I loose my mind enough to bring harm to millions of people, I honestly would hope that someone would stop me at any cost. I am perfectly fine with that consequence, but I aim to not be that person to begin with.
  • I guess what I’m getting to is: acknowleding the levels upon levels that one has to evaluate before making any firm statement. I think we all need to do that in regards to many things and many contexts. Do any of us really use that level of responsible judgement before making sweeping broad statements in a very opinionated way? And does God hold every single one of those blazĂ© statements against us, or does God realize that it is yet another flaw of our humanness?
  • Does God already understand that our emotions sometimes get the better of us and we say things that we really don’t mean, just like parents with children? Does God have a way to tell what we really mean beyond human words, and solve the problem anyway? Does God ever know that we are expressing frustration over problems experienced, and see the layers of the whole picture and the whole onion of tears before reaching for a solution for us?
  • I like to believe that God really is greater and understands all of that and so much more that I’m not even able to communicate fully.
  • I like to believe God understands more than words, that God feels the emotions and the vibrations and sees the bigger alignment of all of it, and is able to see the best solution possible.
  • I like to believe that I am capable of trusting God and the divine in general, and that one day I’ll have a better understanding of why I needed so damn much patience to get through certain moments and periods of my life.
  • I like to believe that all my struggles and learning lessons along the way really did matter for a better experience, and that I will get to enjoy that experience for as long as I’d like, that I’ll really get to know what easier feels like in a prolonged way, and that it might lead to even greater ease.
  • I like to believe that the carrot is real and at some point I’ll get to enjoy the carrot cake in a wonderful way, and that the longer I wait maybe there will be even more and even better choices of cake. In a certain context, I took the best thing I’d seen the first try, and it didn’t pan out well- the dominoes didn’t fall as expected, maybe I didn’t wait long enough, or maybe that was a giant learning lesson to guide all my learning lessons. Again, only the divine knows the real answer. So I’m trusting and waiting patiently. Waiting for the feeling of knowing and certainty.
  • I am ready to be ready for improvement, and the divine will tell me how to get there one step at a time, and I can only ever accurately levie judgement upon myself, and even then after much contemplation.
  • I spend my days doing my best to be mindful, release stress, improve myself, and reach for better. On the occasion when another “gets my goat” I do my best to release it in whatever way I’m able (sometimes writing it out) and then forgive myself for falling for it, and forgive them for being the role of a trigger in my experience.
  • I wish everyone had that awareness, and we were all working that direction. I want us all to be happy and fulfilled and living easier lives: friends, family, neighbors, the whole of humanity. I genuinely want a better world in all the ways.
  • I’m doing my best to let go of my fears. It is entirely possible that I could make another choice that goes entirely opposite of my desires. I’m also afraid of hurting someone else because of my choices, as I’ve done plenty of that as well. Yet I am doing my best to maintain faith and trust in divine processes, and trust that if I listen well enough things will get better. I continue to reach for better.

May you have moments of recognition and understanding. May you find compassion for others, and forgiveness for yourself and others for any transgressions. May you have enough glimpses of the bigger picture and enough messages from the divine to know everything will be alright. May you find your patience even when you feel like you’re wearing thin. May you know for certain that one day it will all be worth it.

Om Shanti

On Repeat.

I have had this song on repeat for a couple days now, just keeping me afloat and functional. I wanted to share.

Doctor visit this afternoon after work resulted in a list of labs to be drawn ASAP (lab had closed by the time I finished with my visit). The goal is to rule out other problems, check my thyroid levels again, and check Covid antibody levels (if it hasn’t become another chronic infection then they should be low if they register at all). I also have to do another thyroid ultrasound to see if there are any significant changes. Once all of that comes back I will have a follow-up appointment on the 9th. Barring anything scary that is.

The acupuncturist had recommended drawing an immune panel to see if any other/new autoimmune antibodies were active and to check levels of the known Hashimotos and EBV. The doctor didn’t say no to that idea but essentially said she needed to start with all the basics first.

The lady I saw today, a PA, wasn’t well versed in thyroid, no surprise there, as few are. She said that she would rather I be on Levothyroxine. I told her it failed me miserably the last time I took it and I went 4.5 years successfully taking Armour/NDT. She said ultimately depending on lab and ultrasound results I may just end up needing a referral to an endocrinologist. I didn’t shoot that down for her, even though the two I went to previously were not much better versed than she is. I really hate this system.

The acupuncturist told me to have patience with the tedium and that I was doing the right thing. I need the labwork, but I’m so sick of blanket treatments and all we know is thyroid=levothyroxine or thyroid cancer= surgery/cancer treatment/ lifetime of levothyroxine. It’s all bullshit.

But then Nathan reminded me we have much better aim and are more successful hacking things once the full problem is known. So right now were searching for a total picture of what needs addressed. Is it even still just my thyroid, and if so, is it because my thyroid is worse off or because my regimen isn’t meeting needs? Once I have some basic answers I will know better how I need to adjust. I have contemplated going fully AIP level 1, essentially a raw food diet sans any nightshades, seeds/legumes/nuts/grains. It is a miserable existence food wise, but I’m willing if it actually truly solves anything.

See that is the catch, that whole I’m never good enough belief that was brainwashed into me. It hasn’t been good enough that that I’m AIP with some nuts/legumes, no let’s nix everything and go raw, because it’s literally the only option left. Feck you, and if the divine is going to force me into that kind of stupid level of clean than it better fucking matter, or I’m throwing in the towel for life. I’ll willingly give up and accept death. The Divine Masculine is an asshat. Just sayin’.

Could have been healed ages ago, but no I had to catch covid and have and EBV flare in the same year. Or I could’ve had those negative beliefs healed, god knows I’ve asked for that enough times, and if they are the sole cause then heal that first damn it- I’ve been doing the work I deserve some results. Or I could have had the resources to quit working, eliminate stressors, hermit and monk myself into healing. But no, I’m dealing with a broken system yet again, to attempt to get answers to help myself AGAIN. Where is the divine in this mess? Fucked up way of doing things I’ll say.

Anyway, my frustrations aside, I’m taking steps that I know will guide me. Seems as usual my own spirit seems to be the only thing on my side, and I’m doing my best to acknowledge it and follow steps. Hopefully I will finally win this battle for once and for all and get my happily ever after. I have way more than fecking earned it. I deserved it well before 2020 and was well on my way to getting there before 2020 happened. Give me my results back and more because of a lost year of stupid nonsense full of shit I couldn’t control.

May you have the answers you need. May you know exactly what you need to do and how to accomplish it. May the divine help you leap gaps you struggle to bridge alone. May the divine heal us all and guide us all to better days. Above all may you know that the Divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

And for good measure one more applicable song:

Teaching Humanity to Fish

Give a man a fish
He eats for a day
Teach a man to fish
He eats for a lifetime

So the bible reads
Yet fishing is not difficult
It's metaphor for
Living life fully
Supporting oneself
Successfully

Why was he not fishing
To begin with?

Did he fall ill?
Was he somehow hurt?
Did his previous fishing
End in trauma?

Perhaps he was born
Without hands
Or lost a hand
In an accident

Perhaps his only skill
Was fishing
But life took him
Far from any water

Perhaps a mishap
Almost took his life
Left him feeling futility

Perhaps his
Skills or tools
Failed him
Perhaps he did his best
And still fell short

Perhaps he made mistakes
Big or small
Many or few
That caused him to
Loose everything
All his tools taken from him
Disheartened
Given in and given up

Maybe he has lost faith
In himself
In God's guidance
Or helpfulness
Maybe he sees no reason
To keep trying to fish
Never quite experiencing
The supposed benefits

It doesn't mean it's not
Still important
Maybe those are all
Just hurdles
He doesn't know
How to overcome

Perhaps teaching
The ability to fish
Is more complex
Than society acknowledges

Still a worthy goal
Still better than just
Giving the day's fish

Perhaps it's humanity's
Responsibility
To come together
To solve the complexity
Of teaching all men
Not just how to fish

To teach them how to
Overcome obstacles
Everything preventing
Their fishing success

Including finding
Faith
In oneself
Where once it was lost

Including finding
Reasons
To believe
To keep trying
To keep doing

Finding the knowing
Of his place
His role in
This vast eternal
Universe

Finding the knowing
God's guidance
Has been trying to
Get through to him
All along

Finding God
Loved him
All along
Even in the obstacles
And disheartened
Ignorance

We all fish
Some have more
Obstacles and challenges
Than others

Our responsibility to
Help another
Around obstacles
We learned to overcome

Community coming together
Joined forces
Helps everyone
Learn to fish
No matter the cause
Of the need to learn

~ Treasa Cailleach