Tag Archives: analyze yourself

Character on the stage of life.

“All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players: they have their exits and their entrances; and one man in his time plays many parts, his acts being seven ages.” -William Shakespeare

My one brother, at the wedding in October, told me that he had no idea how I did it. He was referencing my life and the hours I work and everything I do for my family. This is the brother I have always felt had his shit together the best. Of all our family, I thought he was the smartest, I thought he was the most disciplined, I thought he was the most organized and well respected.

Yet, here he was telling me that he had no idea how I did it, and my only answer was: I had to, I didn’t really feel I had any other options. Between loving my husband, and being raised that welfare and social programs were a necessary unwanted evil, as well as divorce being a last resort, I just knew it was sink or swim. I chose to swim the best I could, and I think most of us would aim for that.

I have played meek and I have played strong. I have played timid, bashful, and shy; yet also confident, outgoing and talkative.

I have played the hard worker, the dependable, the confidant. I have over-played my hand and underplayed my skills, but managed by the grace of God to be successful in my business and support my family. I have surprised and delighted many and disappointed probably twice as many. I have been well spoken and diplomatic, but other times I have inserted foot-in-mouth. I sometimes make the best joker, but other times miss the joke all together.

I’m a fierce warrior like Joan of Arc, that frequently wishes to run and hide, rather wishing for a better Knight to save me. And spiritually: Jesus couldn’t reach me for the burden of my childhood, so I found Shiva as an adult (really they are one and the same, 2 aspects of the same divine masculine).

I’m a mother who gave birth to two beautiful healthy children and helped a third start her life. I’m the father that fixes what’s broken, makes a better home, and provides for it all. I have lady parts, but men’s hormones and hair- just not enough of them to count for their benefits. I’m attracted to both, and want them all to love me and get along with each other.

I’m an animal lover guilty of having consumed more than my fair share of non-pets. I’m a creative artist that can do calculus, though a bit rusty at both right now. I’m an excellent massage therapist, and decent musician and cook.

More thought correction

More words, attempting to convey feelings and processes I’ve been working through. A continual effort toward self-improvement. A continuation of the last few posts.

I’m trying to do what this song speaks to:

I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you.

Still figuring out what God and my inner being want to be/feel loved. So far I have figured out the following.

  • I like being shown genuine appreciation and attraction, but I have been lied to so much in my life I’ve begun to believe everyone is lieing to me. Plus knowing I don’t fit the standard of beauty (by a long shot) makes me believe I am just receiving lip-service when I am told I’m beautiful.
  • I love loving and being loved, but I’ve lost so many people whom I loved, that I’ve begun to cut myself off before I get hurt. I’ve also been afraid of letting new people in at all.
  • I like being given money or gifts of any kind really, but I’m so afraid of not knowing how, or being able to repay it that I hold it off. The one exception is massage tips because I know they are a gift of showing ones appreciation for a job really well done, and I’m not expected to repay them.
  • I like knowing that I’m doing better financially, but I’ve had to work so hard for what little I do have that I’m afraid that everyone is out to get me, take advantage of me, or rip me off. I honestly thought that someone I loved was being manipulated enough that they or the manipulator wanted to make me pay- extortion. In reality I can see that they might have thought I was attempting to do that level of manipulation, and they were just trying to protect themselves.
  • Because I constantly feel others emotions, but don’t always understand their origin or reason, AND they are most frequently from the more negative spectrum- I have begun to assume that people are lieing to me, that there’s no love, and that I should distrust everything.
  • Putting elements like these together has caused me to cut 3 people off which I care very much for. I hurt them accidentally and now I’m afraid of making things worse.

1) Why does all of this unravel in such a way that everything is excruciating and progress is slow, not to mention the painfulness of realizing you have it all wrong and have to start over again and again?

2) I know we’re not here to get it done, or fix anything, but sometimes the solutions are so complex or hard to find that it seems like a never ending goose chase. I wish that some of these belief puzzles were less taxing on my system and easier to solve.

3) I keep “returning to the essence” to forget everything for a bit, but it always wears off. Why doesn’t my stupid brain learn better and let go of all of it in a more prolonged way!

So I love… (Without the fears and hang-ups).

  • Gifts and money being given to me.
  • Being appreciated and having people express what they find attractive about me.
  • Being loved and loving others.
  • I enjoy being appreciated.
  • I like knowing my finances continue to gradually improve.
  • I prefer feeling with understanding. I prefer experiencing that with positive emotions.
  • I prefer knowing my ability to feel combined with my intelligence is what keeps me safe. I love feeling safe and protected.
  • I enjoy being held, especially in strength which encourages the feeling of safety.
  • I love having conversations where I get to learn more about someone I care for.
  • I love being creative.
  • I love finding solutions.
  • I love finding and maintaining peace.

May you figure out your hang-ups easily. May you find your solutions. May people be forgiving of your mistakes. May people be genuine, truthful, honest, and caring when sharing thoughts of you. May you find the believing place where you feel a knowing of their truthfulness. May you find and maintain your peace. May you feel the love. May you find a way to make things right. May you allow your own happiness.

Siva Hir Su

Callibrating to well being.

Someone read a post of mine recently-“Damned if you do, damned if you don’t” (stats gave me the post, but readers are anonymous except for country of origin). It was from 2.5 years ago, during a very rough patch when I had just conceived Katherine. Rereading the post myself I realized how much further I have come.

As I’ve said many times before, I’m not perfect, but I am aiming for better. I am reaching for improvement daily. I still don’t understand everything, but I do appreciate that I am, generally speaking, in a much better place.

Last night I felt relief when I was able to christen my home office by treating Nathan to a real massage. I fulfilled a promise made 45 days ago. It was long over due, being his last actual massage was nearly a year ago, and when he finally sat up he thanked me. He said, that’s why your clients love you, you turn them to jello. He never really regained brain function, going to bed about an hour after I finished the massage. I knew I was successful in getting him to really relax.

Today I was fortunate enough to spend some of my usual work day with my kids at the homeschool Valentine’s Day party. It was good fun with lots of sugar, running and screaming. I had given kids allergy medicine before leaving, but I wanted to set a good example. In a nearly 3 hour window I stuck to mostly fruit and had 3 bite size cheesecakes (sans crust). Not perfect, but far from where I have come. I literally had a conversation with myself when the addiction started nagging. I told myself to walk away because even though my mouth loves it, it’s really hard on the rest of my body.

Nathan again was there by my side congratulating me. He reminded me of how many of those functions I completely failed and that several times I only made it 15min. Not only did I nearly make it through, but my cheesecakes were the least addicted item I could have chosen. I literally picked the least detrimental option.

I’m so getting there. One little increment at a time. My body may or may not ever show the changes I’ve made, but I’m proud of my small miracles of accomplishment. I feel so much better every time I have a win like that. I wish that for everyone.

I will keep reaching for my well-being, I will keep calibrating to better. For me MC Yogi has been a lifesaver, especially his track “Ganesha (Sound the Horn)”. I keep replaying several of his tracks to stay buoyant, but one line from that track has become my own mental mantra: “Return into the essence and set yourself free”. It literally lifts my vibration just repeating it over and over in my mind. I am utterly grateful for that.

May you all find your magic mantra. May you all feel moments of personal success. May you all experience the little miracles at work. May you have your moment of known improvement. May you find what you seek and be solution oriented. May you acknowledge your self and express gratitude to yourself when you have the little wins. May you genuinely appreciate yourself and your divine connection.

Siva Hir Su

No time to get down.

I’m on a wild goose chase trying to figure things out about myself. There is old programming in my brain that needs rewriting like a computer, and I’m just not certain how to accomplish that.

My intuitive input told me to look at my early childhood as that is where programming started. I just wasn’t sure what I was looking for so I sent my mom an email to ask. I simply asked her what she remembered from when I was about two years old.

This was most of her reply (I cut some unrelated info):

I got you a big baby doll for your 2nd birthday. It was almost as big as you. Dad got fired from his job, I was working at a nursing home, we got into the moble home based on my income only and moved to Randolf acres. I worked overtime so that I could buy you the green turtle sand box. I thought dad was going to kill me. Literally. There were two little girls living across the street. You played with dolls with them and in the sand box. Your oldest brother had been sharing the little bedroom with you. He slept on the top bunk. He left for the Air Force and then you had the room to yourself. Your other two brothers shared the bigger room until the second oldest went to Coast Guard Academy.

I think you were happy. You were healthy at that time.

You were a “Cookie Monster” at two. You would sit in your high chair with your hand up and open and close your hand wanting animal crackers. If I ran out you would drive me crazy till I got more. You were around 3 1/2 when we moved to Indiana.

You used to talk to an imaginary friend but I never knew who it was. I thought it was because I worked nights and your brother was at school, and you were lonesome. You would line up all of your stuffed animals and dolls and play school. You were past two then. More like three to five. You watched Bob Ross and all the other artists on TV and drew and colored pictures. One of your favorites was a lady who did old barns and rural scenes and she always had a cat somewhere in the picture, sometimes hidden in plain site.

Thank you Mom. 💗

After reading her email I saw the pattern of repeat, at least where it started.

I find it interesting that Nathan is unemployed (though his is health related and my dad was career related), and I have spent most of my working the last 8 years in nursing environments. I have also repeated the overtime to make ends meet/provide a few good things for kids, and especially the buying a home on my own. Even things such as kids sharing rooms and a turtle sandbox. I find it interesting that our repeat moving/changing-homes pattern is also similar to the pattern of my childhood.

Although I don’t feel like Nathan is going to kill me, sometimes I feel like the situation and all the hours could. Yet I keep pushing myself, striving to keep reaching for better. Then I have moments where I just wish to throw in the towel and give up. I have enough, I don’t need anything else for this lifetime. Then I acknowledge that my extended chill-out times only get me so far and usually end up in financial strain.

Additionally, somehow reading mom’s comments on being a Cookie Monster, makes the allergen addiction (dairy/grains) less of a pressure knowing it started when I was that young. It’s easier on oneself when trying to break an addiction, if you acknowledge something that’s been happening for 36 years, is not likely to be broken overnight. I will simply keep asking for only things which are good for my body to be present. That is the best way for God to help. If I’m not presented with addictive options then it’s easier to say no. I do still need to reach for some self-control though, or I’ll find myself going to the store to replenish them. That’s the hazard of being an adult with means to do so- yet usually I’m not that person.

And my not-so-imaginary friend. What’s his purpose? That’s at the heart of it all. Why did he leave and come back? Why didn’t he help me figure out solutions to the programming before it became such an ingrained problem? Though I appreciate my mom’s acknowledgement of his existence, it leaves more questions than were answered in those regards.

I’m hoping that eventually I’ll build my dome home and we’ll stay put for the rest of my life. If I ever make it that far, a lot of the other elements will also change. Yet, I’m concerned that since my kids are all in or past the age range of my initial query, that they now have the same programming. That is super frustrating.

Anyway, the bigger picture is that there is indeed detrimental programming in my brain, which is impeding my personal growth. When I contemplate trying to solve that connundrum I keep cycling back to how computers are handled; especially since I’m familiar with several very influentially smart people referencing the human brain as being like a computer.

From my rudimentary knowledge there are options involving both software and hardware.

To me hardware options for the human brain/body would be something like lobotomy, brain damage, or a new body. Plus perhaps options I’m not aware of or don’t feasibly exist. None of those are realistic or desirable to me. Enough said.

However, like Windows 10, sometimes software upgrades are not compatible with existing hardware.

So, I perceive that I need the brain software upgrade that is compatible with my existing hardware but propels me to better function and speed, just like in a computer. Something that allows the positive forward movement in the most efficient way possible. That which creates less distress and frustration because the cogs are spinning. Less hourglass waiting, and more efficiently being productive. Less stuck, and more financial growth. Less hours worked, and more income brought in. More time to play the games like when I was a child playing school or watching painters.

Yet I need this software upgrade in the most efficient way possible as well. In computers you can uninstall and reinstall better functioning software. Or you can simply overwrite software with the upgrade if they are similar enough. I’m honestly not certain how to accomplish either with my brain. Plus, even in computers you often find glitches later where old programming wasn’t completely overwritten and it can hang things up.

I feel like in some ways I did manage to override the old to a certain degree. A house instead of a mobile home. Fewer kids, and the determination to keep it that way. Being more fiscally responsible as the mortgage company put it. Keeping debt low and working with cash mostly, only using credit enough to boost our scores back up. Working primarily as a contractor making my own schedule and earning my own business contracts through my own dependability and skill. Pushing myself to think bigger and reach for better.

But even with these changes, I’m essentially doing the same thing slightly better.

Abraham speaks of some leaps being too large to handle and if you attempt too large of a leap it can cause horrible problems (lottery winners that end up destitute) or death. I definitely don’t want that. But I do want a larger improvement than I have managed thus far.

I want the kind of noticable shift where even people that don’t know me very well notice. Like when your employer upgrades computers when you’re gone and you come back and you’re like “OH, that’s different!”.

I suppose if you’re reading this and know computers well, is there a suggestion? Do you have any hypothesis on how to override old programming in the human brain?

I know the slight adjustments I’ve already made were a combination of pretending when young, and meditation as an adult. I know that’s part of the key, but feel like there’s more to it than that. That there are other pieces to the re-coding of brain software. I just don’t know what they are, and how to maximize their effectiveness.

So, may you all experience a realization of your growth. May you all find easy software upgrades. May you all find the personal growth you seek. May your life improve in all ways. May we all be supported by God and understand the unseen better.

Siva Hir Su

Some rest found.

I’m doing a little better today. I took a nap when I got home and then had a good night’s sleep after a healthy dinner of salmon and green beans. I did realize that much of my aches and energetic gunk was people I worked on. I think I seriously need a day in nature to detox from everything I’m collecting from clients, young and old.

I’m just not sure how or when to accommodate that because every day that is conducive to being outside weather wise, I’ve worked or had to work. Last Sunday was the exception and I did spend time outside raking leaves, but it was our back yard, not secluded woods away from people and civilisation. The latter is what helps me detox everybody’s energetic connections and clutter.

Additionally, my magnesium absorption seems to be down despite taking a calcium supplement. I’m not sure why, but I’m definitely getting the classic leg cramps of magnesium deficiency. I told Nathan I may need to switch to a different Mag supplement for a while. Just another puzzle piece to figure out.

This morning I was greeted with several interesting notifications from the great HAL otherwise known as Google/YouTube. There was one in particular that stood out having the color trigger I mentioned a few posts ago: red, black, and white. I’ll share the link below, I liked the song, loved the cinamatography, and the message resonated. I find myself apologizing to myself all the time about not having time, just as the song said “I’m sorry I just can’t waste time.”

Perhaps that is my biggest fallacy, but every time I do waste time in the name of finding joy or comfort for myself it ends up biting me in the arse in other ways. Usually because very important, time sensitive things get forgotten by others. Everyone relies on me. It just is I suppose, another challenge to add to my list.

  • “You were not born to get it done.”
  • “You were not born to fix the world or anyone else for that matter.”
  • ‘There will always be desire, something to reach for, improvement to seek.”
  • – Abraham Hicks quotes

Anyway, perhaps you’ll like the song.

Since I’m working so hard to find some energetic lift, some improvement, I thought I would take a moment (more for myself to visualize everything, than for you as reader) to list good things about myself. I’m that person that is very critical of myself and often need to focus to remind myself there’s anything good there.

  • I’m a spectacular massage therapist.
  • I’m a decent construction worker/handy woman. Anya commented after carpet laying: “Is there anything you can’t do?”
  • I’m a mediocre psychic, but intensely accurate empath. (I feel all the emotions and body aches, but don’t always know/understand their existence, why someone feels the way they do. I miss the fine details.)
  • I’m a decent flautist and pianist, and mediocre at another 9 instruments.
  • I’m a good artist.
  • I’m an okay gardener.
  • I’m a great organizer, and housekeeper/maid.
  • I’m a good business woman, and dependable contractor.
  • I’m a great low budget interior designer (our home will look like I paid big bucks for someone to customize it, but everything was thrifted at a fraction of retail costs).
  • I’m a decent painter (house type) and excellent painter (art type).
  • I’m stronger and smarter than your average bear. (Thanks Yogi)
  • I care, about everyone, often more than they do about me.
  • I have ethics. (That has manifested several times in recent years where I removed myself because someone would have cheated on a monogamous spouse/partner. Polyamory is about open consent, not cheating.) (Also applies to client relationships, I’ll never break board ethics just because I find someone attractive- though every great once in a while I’m very tempted.)
  • I’m a great driver having literally millions of miles under my belt combining professional and personal miles.
  • I’m an okay auto mechanic having replaced: fuel filters, radiators, electronics, spark plugs, water pumps, and headlamp casings. Even having changed tires and done oil changes regularly. The only things that get me are belts (I usually get frustrated and give up on those) and anything needing an engine or whole car lift- if I don’t have the proper tools I can’t do it.
  • I’m doing okay on self-help/self-improvement as well. I haven’t eliminated depression or my temper, but I have much greater control than when I left my parent’s home. Even when I do loose control, I have a much much shorter refractory period to regaining sanity.

That’s a good list for this post. I need to categorize posts like this so it’s easier to go back and reference them when I need a boost. … I’ll add it to the bottom of my to-do list.

May you all have interestingly helpful notifications. May you all find rest and rejuvenation. May you have time in nature when you need it. May you feel better through fixing puzzle pieces. May you have ease and comfort in your experience. May you find the good in yourself. And may we all find ways to improve ourselves and our experience.

Siva Hir Su

Loved, loving, lovable

Nathan helped me after work yesterday. We pulled cards and he helped me figure out the meaning, the story the cards told, what the hell I was feeling and experiencing.

There were 7 people, I was the center one, the other 6 were the people I had been feeling in my body all day, and as we talked over the cards I could feel which person was what spot in my body. At the end of the reading I realized that it was my birth family recreated, that each role I could relate to parents or siblings in childhood, but also to the current and recent past. It seems to this day, I love them all and just wish they got along because I love them.

My intuitive flash was that I just need to focus on the positive elements of each of the 6 roles. That they keep re-manifesting because I need to focus and put all the positives together. Yet at the same time understanding their roles in the first place to let them off the hook. They are not responsible for my happiness. I can love them without needing them to keep reappearing in my life. They only need be in my life if they want to be.

1) There’s the mature man with finances to spare, but emotions are upside down because his world was turned upside down. I still love him and hope he sees that. He was kind and soft spoken. He was commanding not because of force or volume, but because everyone knew when he spoke he had something important to contribute. He was strong and lean and healthy and easy going. He was gentle but passionate. He gave excellent back rubs and was one of the best computer programmers I knew. He had adorable wavy hair I always wanted to play with, and cute glasses. He was focused and driven with regards to his work. He was generous and loving and a good friend to everyone around him. He was super smart but also down to earth and could talk to anyone. He will always have my heart, no matter what.

2) There’s the shooting for the stars man. More mature than anyone gives credit, but because he’s shooting for the stars might be a bit overconfident in his own abilities, it makes for good learning lessons. He has stable finances, but grand ideas on how to manage them, which occasionally comes off as a bit ungrounded, but to me that’s endearing/cute. He’s also strong and passionate, and can be gentle when he wants. He’s a gentlemen when he focuses and is mindful of his touch and affect on people. He senses energy like me and wants to do the right thing, but doesn’t know how to respond when the energy is more intense than expected (I also think he’s figuring it out as he goes- just like me). He knows how to have fun and is kind to everyone. He is far more open and accepting than anyone will ever give him credit and I suspect he feels pigeonholed. He wants to be accepted for who he is as much as I do, and also has big dreams of helping people in grand ways. He’s handsome to me, especially in moments of kindness, and I appreciate that he wants to have his act together, not just look like it. I also appreciate that he has goals of fighting the good fight and being faithful in every sense of the word. He is very capable and optimistic and carefully contemplates consequences before taking action. He trusts his gut and follows his instincts well. He’s often intense, but a very deep thinker that no one notices. He’s good at whatever he desires to put his efforts into. I will love him whether he ever loves me or not. He is a good person at heart.

3) There’s the woman I’ll call my angel with broken wings. She parallels my mom, and I’ve already had this role refilled a couple of times. Overlooking victim mentality, she’s beautiful and kind. She is flexible and able to go with the flow. She’s often more solution oriented because of the problems she has faced. She is usually strong and always wants to be loved, just has a hard time seeing/receiving it. She’s a wonderful mom and intent on helping others avoid traumas she faced. She brings out the helper and healer in me. She wants everyone to feel good and feel loved. She’s a great cook and very organized. She wants to put people at ease and save them from hurts. She wants to help make the world a more beautiful place. She is sincere and good at making you feel like the center of the universe when she focuses. She’ll literally pick you up when you fall, even if it hurts herself in the process. She deserves someone that can get through her defences and give her the same in return. She’ll have my heart forever even though she never noticed she got it in the first place.

4) Mr honesty (Nathan and one of my brothers). So honest that he can’t even slant the story to make it sound better. Yet very loving and strong. He wants to be there for you as much as possible but knows his own limitations and downfalls. He is easily distracted by all that glitters as gold, but has a keen sense of what is genuine and worth keeping. His heart is true and faithful. He is more likely to let his health suffer than to avoid work or being there for his chosen family. Once he’s committed he’s all in, and for the duration of his life. He is very creative and able to solve many problems, and confident in those few things that he has taken great care to master. He is a kind and patient father and good husband. A little patience goes a long ways for seeing things through with him. He has my heart and knows it, but because he knows it, he is confident in allowing me to be me in whatever way that means, and is ready to give me a hug if I fall and hurt myself.

5) Intensely connected. He is real, and I’ve heard his voice, he’s not dead. We share the same energy stream so intensely that emotions ping pong off each other. Every emotion flows so easily through the ethers that I feel like I know him a thousand ways, and a thousand lifetimes over. He’s curious and passionate, a hard worker and with highly admirable lofty dreams of helping whole families. He’s intelligent and multilingual. He’s an engineer like my dad and one brother. He’s a dreamer like me but a bit more practical in application. Adorable, charming, open and accepting. He wants everyone to be happy and get along, and like me wants everyone to feel the loving connection. He’s willing to work on himself and keep improving. He won my heart years ago, and knows it, but doesn’t know why. I would love to explore why, but know I will find my happiness even if that doesn’t happen.

6) Known unknown, this slot is representative of my younger sibling and also the person whom is connected to Mr Intensely Connected (as felt during the reading-left side of my heart), the cards that came out could also apply to a couple of other people I’ve known. I feel them and care deeply, but there is a lot I don’t know about them.  I know by virtue of being in my bubble (my little brother being family) they are innately a good person. You don’t get years of association with good people, being raised by good people, and turn out to be that nasty. Yet, I’ve not had the luxury to fully see the way life has moulded their being into strengths and weaknesses. I get a sense that they lean toward scientific minded and chalk many things up to chance. I know my brother is honest and genuine and doing his best to leave a positive mark on this world also, so I like to think the others are similar. Honorable and relatively easy going, but compassionate even when not necessarily on the path of least resistance. The kind of person in search of their truths and able to examine things more objectively than most.

Those were the 6 people of the reading, the types that I keep re-attracting, and feeling in my body. It made sense to me. Why I was feeling them for nearly 2 days straight I’m not sure. All I know is I was being told to only focus on their good traits and let them off the hook.

So if you know you’re one of those people and you read my blog to keep up with me, I release you. I let you go. You’re not responsible for my well-being or my happiness. I only want you in my life if you want to be, but especially enough wanting to ease into finding a way to coexist with anyone else in my experience. I know I can’t make people get along, and I know that others are not responsible for my happiness. I’m willing to allow others to come and go as they need and I’m willing for others to display their affection or lack thereof in whatever ways they see fit. I am willing to let God take over the connections and help me to have my best life. I am willing to give love unconditionally because that is what God wants of me. I am willing to let go and let God.

I have experienced a knowing this week, through the help of changing energies and my finger tips. A knowing so deep that words fail, but which will last in my memory until my dieing day. A knowing simply of letting go of control can actually help things work better. It started with feeling the others, with feeling clients, continued with telling cells they can take the day off and relax, with visualizing warm sun on skin to enable relaxation, and ended with a long awaited phone call. I like this new knowing and I’m very grateful for the understanding.

May you all find a way to let go and let God. May you give your cells, your whole body, a break- let them release each other and feel sensations of things they miss. May you feel unconditional love and a knowing of your connection to God. May you understand why you keep repeating elements of your life. May you find a way to give control back to the divine. May you see all of the benefits of that in your life. May you feel blessed and divinely guided.

Siva Hir Su

Creatively pesky-tarian?

That’s the best title I can come up with for the range of things I wanted to write about. I’ve had several things come together that seem drastically different.

The creative comes in with a continuation of playing with my new computer. Last night I sat down for just a few minutes to explore the paint program. I actually have 2 choices: Microsoft Paint 3D or Corel Painter Essentials. I chose to explore Essentials, and had so much fun. I didn’t do much of a picture, again just getting my feet wet. But it was enough to know the program’s potential.

The pesky-tarian comes in, because the results of several weeks of educated guessing boils down to becomming a pescatarian.

I’ve been struggling with high sugars since I was at the previous job, but had assumed it was because I was being exposed repeatedly to my known allergens. A simple cause and effect I already knew of. Yet, after changing positions and cleaning up my diet quite significantly, I was still having trouble. However, the trouble had dropped to just being my fasting numbers, my daytime reads were normal to occasionally low. So I knew it was something about my dinners.

After trial and error over several weeks: changing things, adjusting portions and times, making note of meal choices; I finally think I’ve solved my latest puzzle.

There was definitely a connection between portions and time, if I ate too much too late it would definitely cause higher numbers. I already knew that from pregnancy, but I was perplexed that it wasn’t a complete solution. I was missing something somewhere. I became meticulous about the what of my meal choices, and began to notice a pattern. Meat was causing higher numbers. Just when I ate chicken, turkey, or beef (a rare occurrence).

After consulting with the internet and one of the practitioners at the clinic, hypothesis is Lone Star Tick disease. She confirmed that she has a couple of clients with confirmed diagnosis of such concerns, so it’s within reason as a possibility. Especially since I spent 2 years surrounded by cattle and poultry, and having known I was bitten by a variety of ticks. I could pay for bloodwork to confirm diagnosis, or I could just eliminate the concern. Especially since I have documented cause and effect enough to know for certain I am having a typical-for-me reaction.

So, I begrugingly chose the latter. I’m now a pescatarian. Yet after a week off of meat, I’m feeling much better. I’m struggling with inflammation less, my numbers are consistently coming down, and even my exposure to gluten on Sunday was far less noticeable to my system: I still got my telltale sugar spike and red bumps on my face, but the bumps are clearing up twice as fast. That I am very appreciative of.

So, I take the trade off of only vegetable, fish, or egg protein, for much better overall health. I can live with that.

Finally, I wanted to note a realization from work. One of the things I love about being a massage therapist is being able to feel muscles and people relax. It’s why I work slow. I realized the other massage therapist works fast because he likes to see the muscles relax, he can watch range of motion improve with each stretch. I’m familiar with that concept, but I prefer the tactile aspect of holding a tight muscle and feeling it’s sigh of relief in relaxation. It’s more a note of self-awareness. It is just an aspect of me, perhaps because of my recognition of my hands doing God’s work. I like to feel things through my finger tips, I like creating things with my hands. Massage lets me do both: feeling the change in creating muscle relaxation. I also really enjoy feeling the energy flow of Reiki, that’s an extra level of wonderful sensitivity.

So, I leave you today with the following well wishes: May you have your moments of creative happiness. May you find solutions to all of your health concerns, and may you see the aspects of yourself that bring you joy.

Siva Hir Su

Why I prefer “chick flicks”.

So I was contemplating my preferences after my recent acknowledgements, and in the process came to an understanding as to why I prefer “chick flicks”.

I was literally attempting to put words to my quandary of why do men do the machismo thing more than in the past, or so it seems to me.

I had thought about how at one point men in media were shown as dashing, handsome, wholesome, and multi-talented. I thought of moments like are found in a myriad of movies, but especially I thought of scenes from Gene Kelly and Fred Astaire movies, I thought of Casa Blanca. Actors from that era were expected to be good looking, but also excellent dancers and singers, they had to be strong, and often were required to speak multiple languages.

I’m fully aware that even though that was the standard in media, our society still had the full array of everything you still find today. Yet, there was an understanding in society that those were qualities that earned respect and showed your integrity. Those were the virtues that even regular working class people strived for, that even the average Joe reached for.

I then thought about movies today. There’s a whole lot more blood and gore. There are strong men, but every time you see a strong man- a superhero, someone dies, and often many people loose their lives in such movies. Going back a bit there are those Rambo type war stories, there are zombie apocalypse movies, and straight up superheroes like spider man. In all of these movies their strength is for one goal, take down the bad guys at all costs. I would agree that usually what’s chosen to define the bad guys is clear and agreed upon by societal standards, yet each and every movie includes the loss of innocent lives.

I realised that even though I acknowledged that those are all present in our world today, I prefer not to watch it for entertainment.

I prefer to see strength demonstrated in other ways, and I suspect I’m not alone. It’s why feats of herculean strength are now demonstrated in games: Olympics, Ninja Warrior, Highland Games, and the like. The games eliminate the blood and gore while still demonstrating strength and agility. I appreciate that, it’s a much more civilized and palatable way to experience that virtue.

That then brought me around to Hallmark movies and why I love them so much. They are wholesome, the people are genuine, there is kindness and love. Yet you still are treated with complex stories that could happen to regular everyday people. It takes the complexity of this world, but focuses on happier more joyous aspects and outcomes.

Though I mostly prefer heartwarming stories like those, I will watch other movies. I still prefer movies where the people demonstrate intelligence and strength without so much blood and gore. I also greatly like fantastical movies like Harry Potter and the less gory science-fiction like Star Trek/Star Wars.

I suppose that is why I like Will Smith so much. Beyond also being polyamorous, he’s good looking, charming, charismatic, and many of his movies he’s able to accomplish great things with a minimum of blood and gore. I really truly appreciate that.

I told Nathan it’s one of the things I appreciate most about him. Even though he doesn’t look like a hallmark actor or Will Smith, he embodies many of the qualities that they do, and he’s cute to me, and that’s what counts.

So then I sat to define what I appreciate most about others, and admitted that looks are a relatively small factor. As far as looks go, I appreciate this:

Really what I’m trying to show is that I find appreciation in a wide variety of people and body types. I have discovered that only the severely unhealthy people are unattractive to me. Those people that have given up on their health, or just didn’t care to begin with. I’ve known several of those people and just can’t even contemplate a relationship with any of them. I’m sorry, but Yuck!

What is it I do appreciate about people that makes me desire them then?

Hmmm…..

  • Kindness
  • Concern
  • Thoughtfulness
  • Intelligence (As Queen Latifa would say I get lady wood there.)
  • A belief in something greater than us.
  • The ability to learn and discuss complex topics (quantum physics is one I find particularly fascinating, even if I have trouble keeping up with it).
  • The desire to keep learning.
  • Strength of physical, mental, and emotional aspects.
  • A desire to do better, striving for more, self improvement goals.
  • Loving
  • Supportive
  • Striving for equality and social justice is pretty high on my list.
  • A desire to help make the world a better place.

Yet there’s more….

  • I like a good challenge, someone that makes me think or improve myself even more.
  • I like encouragement when I’m admittedly not at my best, you don’t always have to challenge me.
  • I like knowing I’m appreciated.
  • I like knowing they notice small things about me.
  • I like when they take criticisms or input as a challenge for improving themselves as well, and likewise do my best not to stir that pot too often.
  • I like people that work well together, especially since ultimately I hope to build Atira through my chosen family. It would be in our best interests to be able to work and play together and not get sick of each other.
  • So an ability to compromise, problem solve, and find a balance in challenging situations is very exciting to me.
  • I find good communication skills quite sexy too. If you can tell me work flow concerns in one breath and follow that with coherent sentimental thoughts in your next breath, I might faint on you.
  • I love when people can make and keep priorities. For instance I know I need a certain diet, certain amounts of sleep and exercise, and certain balance between work and recreation. Most of the time I’m able to maintain that, occasionally I fail. I prefer those around me accomplish the same.

Though I feel like there are many more qualities I could define, those are usually ones that I look for evidence of first. At that point then I’m usually familiar with a person enough that it becomes about analyzing their interactions or their behaviors, and their words. I start looking for alignment between the two. That represents integrity and honesty to me. If I get to know someone and one of those starts to show gaps, it almost always becomes the undoing of the relationship. I’ve been hurt enough times that I simply loathe intentional mistruths and/or manipulations. For a long term relationship, I simply must have honesty and integrity.

And that brings me full circle back to Hallmark movies. They are chalk full of honesty and integrity and showing how if you’re not honest what damage it can do. So I’ll end with a thank you to Hallmark. Thank you for wholesome movies that show the importance of honesty, integrity, and kindness.

May you all have your defining moments of greater clarity. May you all find an abundance of honest people in your lives, and may you experience many examples of integrity. Above all may you find the love you seek.

Siva Hir Su

Watering continues.

The last couple of days I’ve been mostly well. There have been moments of confusion and moments of distress, but mostly I’ve stayed focused on what I want and generally buoyant. I really kicked butt yesterday doing 4 appointments consisting of 2.25 hours of continuous deep tissue. I approved the back-to-back stretch to accommodate helping the acupuncturist’s wife, whose neck had locked up- something I’m very familiar with.

Today is a day off, with the exception of one easy make-up home-visit appointment early this morning. Somehow, though the overcast weather and cooler temperatures have me hibernating.

I’m feeling my divine masculine today, fairly intensely. It has brought up lots of thoughts and feelings.

Somehow my thoughts keep cycling back to a man from my past, back when Anya was a baby: Rajesh. I keep remembering a point when I was at my worst, it’s been coming up frequently the last few weeks but today it’s really nagging at me.

Things had been happening involving him, his wife (my then best friend from high school), Nathan, and I. The specific memory is of when I lost control of myself and fell deep into depression and despair. Rajesh had found me crying and rocking myself in the upstairs closet. I was struggling so hard, fighting to regain control of my brain that I couldn’t even speak, and I remember him asking me something. I remember him standing there watching me and I remember wanting him to just hold me. To hug me and comfort me. After a moment, I can’t even define in time measurements, he said something and left. Moments later Nathan came in and held me.

Rajesh never did speak to me about that moment. I assumed he was either afraid to, or didn’t want to upset me. Yet to this day when the memory comes up I get embarrassed for not having been able to speak, and I still think about how much I just wanted him to show he cared by holding me. I really wanted to feel love in that moment and I respected him so much that I wished he had just loved me. Maybe he did and didn’t know how to show it, or simply how to respond in that moment.

I have no idea why this memory keeps resurfacing, and that’s ultimately why I wrote about it. I thought maybe writing it out would bring clarity. Yet I know that the state I was in means that the memory is incomplete. There are details my brain was unable to retain, which acknowledging that brings more confusion. Why now, nearly 13 years later, can I not shake it, and why does it flare my sense of my divine masculine.

I know that I am now in a much different mental space, mostly having defeated depression, and without a trace of medication. Thanks to Dr. Illardi’s “Depression Cure”. For that I’m utterly grateful. I owe that alignment to God, for I begged for help, and the people and resources to connect me with the therapist wielding that book resulted. It was divine grace that took over and helped me find my necessary set of tools to defeat depression in my life. The closet incident was one of my lowest points and now I’m able to maintain a much higher level of functioning even when something breaks my stride.

Maybe the memory is just acknowledging that massive improvement and reminding me of my gratitude for God and my solution. Yet it feels like more than that. My whole upper body is on fire with just that memory. That I don’t understand.

Regardless of my confusion, I do wish to acknowledge my decade of improvement. So that’s where I’ll water my dreams of Atira today.

  • I have supported my family, on my own, for a decade without keeping “a day job”. I’ve been successfully self-employed for nearly a decade.
  • During that same decade, I birthed 2 healthy children at home with minimal allopathic medical services.
  • During that same decade I took myself from nearly losing my life to depression, to being as mentally and emotionally stable as is considered normal.
  • I have started to slowly chip away at correcting financial damage done when Nathan got sick.
  • I’m nearly to a point where I will be able to buy us a home again and escape the decade of renting and being at the mercy of less than desirable landlords.
  • I have taken every opportunity possible to expand my knowledge and increase my skill sets.
  • I have maintained board certification and licensure over 12 years, despite having to move many times over.
  • I’m good at what I do because I care and I allow God to assist me. My hands do God’s work every day.
  • Though it seems I’m still very far from my big dream of Atira, I have made real progress. I have taken action steps and accomplished small goals to keep on my path to that big dream.
  • I give love at every opportunity, despite the fact that I’ve loved and lost, that I’ve loved and been hurt by several of those I gave my heart to. I do my best to find unconditional love, sometimes I accomplish that better than others, but I always aim for that.
  • I’m closer than I’ve ever been to being able to build and maintain Atira, one piece at a time.
  • I am strong and have amazing endurance.

May you all find moments of understanding and clarity. May you all experience growth and make progress towards even your biggest of dreams. May you all find unconditional love in your life.

Be well.

Siva Hir Su.

New Perspective

My quote from Abraham this morning comes on the heels of a discussion with Nathan about how I’m changing my perspective on food.

“When you are in vibrational harmony, your body produces whatever it needs to remain in perfect balance.”

-Excerpted from Boston, MA on 10/20/96
Our Love,

Esther
(and Abraham and Jerry)

So the discussion was last night, and essentially I explained that I had been noticing a trend where people in general, but especially younger people- babies and children, are experiencing the same patterns I have with food.

I have also noted many people talking about a shift happening in humanity. Often from different perspectives and on different topics (politics, socio-economic, healing, diet, etc ).

Putting two and two together, my theory and change in perspective has broken down to the following.

Making the assumption that the shift is real, and pervades all areas of our lives, one would have to acknowledge that mankind is changing. Abraham states that forward momentum is to higher vibrations. So human kind as a whole is shifting to a higher vibration.

Food Allergies then could be interpreted as the resistance against mooving towards that higher vibration with diet and healing. It is the result of being more sensitive to the energy and vibration that food carries. If your body has already acknowledged that it wants to keep up with the shift, and knows what level of vibration that equals, then it is going to really push back every time you give it anything less than what is desired. Thus, you become “allergic” to lower vibrating foods.

Now what:

So then one (especially Myself) must admit the dissonance and focus on the solution. In my case with food, that has become repeatedly acknowledging that I am now hyper sensitive to foods and my body only wants the highest vibrating foods in just enough quantities to sustain myself.

Once I allowed myself to keep up with me, and focus on that repetition, it’s as if the battle is not as hard. My body is beginning to shed toxins and inflammation is backing off, I’m feeling much better physically. It has also made sticking to my regimen easier to stomach, so to speak (double entendre intentional).

I am back to my nibble of super healthy food every couple of hours. Nuts, apples, pears, lean plain meats- mostly fish or chicken, and far more salads in my experience with the deep dark greens.

I’m also referencing being very sensitive to foods now, instead of talking about my allergies or being allergic. I just say I’m very sensitive to foods and so I’m extra careful most of the time in choosing what I eat.

The Fall:

Now, that has not eliminated the social environments where food is provided and heavily encouraged by others. Anya’s birthday last week was a good example. However, my new perspective has still helped. Essentially, I apologized to my body in advance and explained to myself that one meal was not going to kill me, that I did enjoy the tastes of the food, and social atmosphere and supporting Anya. I also spoke to my body, stating that I know I’m capable of eliminating the toxins. I talked myself though reducing the reaction and speeding up the corrective process.

Additionally, I reinforced for myself that I know if I were more in control of the moment I would have chosen an alternate option for the meal, but I was conceding to another’s choice and control because I wanted her to enjoy her birthday- it was her day of honor however she would choose. That was solely due to how much I care for her, and is something I’ve gotten more selective over as well. Not just anyone gets to persuade me to make low vibration food choices anymore.

I also took extra allergy medicine preemptively to help with reducing my experience of the reaction. It all helped, it did not eliminate the reaction, but did significantly improve it in terms of duration and severity.

After the fact, I told myself it’s not a lifestyle that I want to live, so better choices are definitely better. However, it was manageable and I do have the tools and information to make the climb back up the health ladder to vibrate higher again more quickly.

I definitely did not enjoy the aftermath, I did however enjoy the meal itself (sans my son’s antics) and also enjoyed knowing that I accomplished the correction quickly and easily. 1 step backwards, but 2 steps forward this time. That I like as well.

So, my new perspective brought some peace of mind and acknowledgement that I myself am improving and heading toward higher vibrations. I’m allowing me keep up with ME more. That feels really good.

On a side-note update:

My dreams of giving birth and dieing have subsided. Hindsight is ALWAYS 20/20, and I realized it was solely because of the activities job. The last 2 days there I kept telling myself, not my baby anymore, because the trainee had done things in an odd way. I realized that I had given so much of myself to that position that I literally felt like I was losing myself and my baby.

Having cleared the other side, I’m still intact. I’m still me, and I still have my dream of Atira. One day I will discover my solution to build Atira and keep myself healthy and keep my family cared for. For now, I am still helping that surrogate baby by filling in on paperwork and calendar tasks. I still walk away with a much fuller knowledge of the workings of a community that size. I still have improved myself and gained knowledge. Now I can relax a bit and recuperate and heal the damage from the stress and my diet during that period.

I am supported by the universe and I am safe. And twice this week I’ve been told by different sources that Archangel Michael is watching over me to ensure that stays true. I take that validation with a huge Thank You to the Divine. I’m very appreciative that things are still improving and that I have evidence of support from the universe.