Tag Archives: analyzing myself

Redefining

My divine masculine is on my mind. I know that the divine has the ability to manifest in infinite ways and multiple people, especially for my desires with both family and career.

I know that my divine masculine loves me and wants to honor me in all the ways I desire. I know that I have already done more than enough to prove myself to myself, and that I am enough.

So I’m taking this knowing to focus on my¬† preferences and alignment to allow my DM to manifest in my life. Most of these pertain more to family relations, but some aspects could also apply to career/work relations.

My DM loves me and cares about me, and they are willing to state that to me. Not just willing, they care so much about me that they are drawn to tell me directly. Their caring is more important to them, than any perceived risk in telling the truth. So my DM will tell me in very certain and clear terms. If someone doesn’t care enough to do that, then they are not my DM manifesting.

My DM cares more about me than any external input. My DM trusts that God wouldn’t stir such strong desire and caring if it didn’t matter. They may be working on fine tuning their connection just like me, but they feel their connection enough to trust our interactions and the posotive emotions behind them. It is the security in that knowing that helps them to find their voice when telling me about their desires and concerns. If someone isn’t trusting their connection as such, then they couldn’t possibly even be allowing enough of God to be manifestation of my DM.

My DM has mastered their fears enough that any needs for protection or secrecy are no longer a factor. This means they don’t feel the need for weapons for protection, that they don’t need to hide a relationship because they are secure in their own being. They know they can handle scrutiny and petty attacks, but they are also aware that this world brings what you focus on. So if they focus on a world that is more open and accepting and reaching for better equality, then that is the world they will see. It means that if they focus on loving support and kindness of strangers, that is what they will experience. There is no need to be afraid of attacks via words or with weapons if one is focused on a safe, open, accepting world.

My DM sees all of me, including my needs and desires, my hopes and dreams, and they accept of all me. Not just accept, they share most of the same dreams and desires. They have so much in common that they accept the rest unequivocally. The accept me as a whole, and love me for being me. Anyone that doesn’t is not my divine masculine manifesting wholley.

My DM knows that I am my own person and that I will not be owned. My DM respects my rights and my own sovereignty and I respect the same in them. They trust that our connection is more important than any laws or paperwork that were originally intended to protect such connections, but have since become misconstrued and misused. My DM is willing to explore alternative options to meet my/our special needs, and if someone isn’t willing to explore alternatives then they are not my DM.

My DM knows that even though I have the body of a woman, that I am more complicated than that. My DM accepts me as being both masculine and feminine, and accepts that I love Nathan very much. My DM understands that in regards to Nathan, I am the masculine role and I love Nathan intensely and fully intend to keep my relationship with him strong, but also need to honor my feminine half and allow myself to be in the feminine role more frequently. Because of this my DM understands, accepts, and shares my desires for a poly family; so if someone doesn’t understand, accept, or share that then they are likely not my DM manifesting.

My Divine Masculine feels me and senses me, and knows me on a deeper level that might be hard for another person to understand. They know they don’t need to try to explain it to others, but they also know it is safe to talk to me about it- that sharing the experience of our connection only strengthens our connection further. We are equals and equally trust each other and openly share willingly. If someone is unable to do that, then they must not be my DM manifesting.

My DM wants to figure out how to move forward and create a future with me. They care enough to make that happen, even or especially if there are perceived risks to do so. I look forward to having those conversations and figuring things out with them. I have gotten much more sure of my connection and what I feel. I know I am on the right track.


An Abraham audio I listened to on the way to work this morning provided this clarity and I am glad I finally had the moment to put words to it. In the audio Abraham listed off several statements followed by “because I want to”. There were a few statements that some people would cringe over. But Abraham pointed out that the cringe-worthy statements would feel better than lower vibrating statements, but were not fully connected either. The point being made was that moving upward is always good, but ultimately the real goal is to reach the extremely good feeling of being fully connected to ones own divine force. That if you are all the way connected then it only feels really good. The moment you are aware you don’t feel really good, you are no longer fully connected, and you need to do whatever necessary to climb back up to full connection.

My most difficult aspect of thinking about my divine masculine God force is that I know God is a plurality, but I am hoping for just a couple/few to manifest in ‘reality’ for the long-haul. When I acknowledge the way the divine plurality feels about me, I always find the good feeling easily and know everything is just as I have described here. Then I think about people in my life that had moments of connection to my divine masculine, some fleeting, some more sustained, it gets me a bit confused. The fleeting moments I kind of understand as they were situational, and I evoked it from them as I managed to allow better for a moment. I still don’t understand why or how my father sustained it when I was tiny and never ever sustained it again. I know I was somehow partly to blame for that, but at this point feel like it is futility to even try to fix it, since he can’t see me for who I am and what I care about, and is so unwilling to change.

And those 3 others that sustained it longer, but have yet to come around. That’s where I am most confused. I thought for certain I’d found partners, but at this point the whole package (described above) has not manifested. I gave up on them figuring out that either they couldn’t fully manifest what I desire, or my thoughts about them was hanging things up. Either way, the stall out has left me deciding that giving up seems to be the best answer for now. Hence why I’m writing to focus on the generic side of things. Focusing on the things I know are aligned, and not on the people that ghosted and pushed me away, seems to be the easier route for me for right now. Only God knows if my new focus will bring them back or align me with more appropriate manifestations. I am truly and honestly open to either, as long as it is forward motion and in alignment with my higher self.

I love Nathan and my children, and they will be in my life for the long-haul. I also still, desire more in addition to my current already manifested reality, and that ensures I will keep living to keep reaching for more/better.

May you see the alignment of your desires. May you understand your thoughts in regards to manifestations. May you sense God’s love and acceptance of you. May you know you are good enough and deserve everything you desire. May you know your desires stir life force that helps you keep moving forward. May you always have worthy goals to reach for. May you live long and prosper and feel God’s love and support.

Siva Hir Su

Not always a woman.

Mom visiting brought with it a revival of music we enjoyed together when I was a child. Pandora was my avenue to access such music easily. We did Beatles radio, Billy Joel radio, and Chieftains radio. It was really good to revive music memories with mom.

One song struck me as I sang the lyrics by heart like I just listened to it last week. Billy Joel’s “Always a Woman to Me” (see YouTube link if unfamiliar).

The lyrics to that song are just in me. Solid. I didn’t even have to think about it, and I haven’t heard that song for probably several years now. I own quite a bit of Billy Joel’s music, but it just hasn’t been in my heavy rotation for a long while.

I realized that the song is two-fold for me. One is that it is how I see my mom. Every line fits her ‘to a T’. She is an amazing being to me, even her faults and shortcomings. I love her very much in all her ways.

Second, the feminine half of me mirrors that. I think it is mostly because of prior thoughts I’ve mentioned, on the fact that I am a blend of my parents, on top of being bisexual. So the feminine half mirrors my mom. Yet, now I wonder. Is it possible that a song so ingrained in my psyche contributed to the development of my character? Is it simply that easy? I owned the lyrics so completely that it contributed to manifesting those traits? I don’t know really. It seems it may have played a part, but I prefer to believe that I felt the song was a good description of mom and I wanted to be like her and be loved that strongly.

The masculine half of me, well that is a whole different story.

Either way, I still love the song to this day, and now I see how it describes me too. I appreciate that immensely.

May you have moments of appreciation for self. May you see mostly good qualities and even love your flaws. May you understand how your life built your self. May you love those things that enabled you to come into your own being. May you appreciate every element of your path of life. May you see that God loves you just the way you are, flaws and all. May you have many manifestations of all of it in the best ways possible.

Siva Hir Su

She can kill with a smile, she can wound with her eyes
She can ruin your faith with her casual lies
And she only reveals what she wants you to see
She hides like a child but she’s always a woman to me
She can lead you to love, she can take you or leave you
She can ask for the truth but she’ll never believe you
And she’ll take what you give her as long as it’s free, Yeah she steals like a thief but she’s always a woman to me
Oh, she takes care of herself, she can wait if she wants
She’s ahead of her time
Oh, she never gives out and she never gives in
She just changes her mind, And she’ll promise you more than the garden of Eden
Then she’ll carelessly cut you and laugh while you’re bleeding
But she brings out the best and the worst you can be, Blame it all on yourself ’cause she’s always a woman to me
Oh, she takes care of herself, she can wait if she wants
She’s ahead of her time
Oh, she never gives out and she never gives in
She just changes her mind, She is frequently kind and she’s suddenly cruel
She can do as she pleases, she’s nobody’s fool
But she can’t be convicted, she’s earned her degree
And the most she will do is throw shadows at you
But she’s always a woman to me

Source: LyricFind

A WTF moment.

I’m still not sure the exact mechanics of it, but late this afternoon I had a WTF moment with myself.

In a nutshell I got stuck on my body image and people that dropped me like a bad habit.

I was doing mostly great. I’ve been battling fatigue for a few days now, but I suspect that is mostly to do with the giant energy-vampire vacuum that is my father. Otherwise, I have managed to maintain everything else and my mood has stayed up since my explosive argument with dad. I’ve even been managing to get power-yoga workouts in the 3 times a week that is supposed to be a good maintenance routine. Yet right in the middle of my last client today my mood tanked.

I couldn’t figure out what triggered it. I was mentally running through all of the things I have accomplished and strides I have made for improvement. I was honoring myself.

Then* smack* it hit me. I’m still not what society deems beautiful. I don’t fit the dominant paradigm and it isn’t for a lack of trying.

I do eat like a rabbit and have for the majority of 7 years. My food fails are currently even a fraction of what they were while pregnant and that produced weight loss and healthy babies simultaneously. So why is progress so damn slow now?

Then my brain took the side tangent of why it possibly matters. My brain decided to remind me of the few whom I wanted, that pushed me away. They did not want to choose me.

I couldn’t seem to help it, the two elements felt connected.

In the end. I’m frustrated over slow to non-existent progress. I’m down over body image and wanting the others. I know I shouldn’t care about them, but I still do. I’m feeling a huge “it’s not fair” moment. I work so diligently on improvement, every day doing something to better myself, and that’s in addition to the myriad of things I do for others.

I had a conversation with God last night after my half of a massage trade, asking why they don’t help as much as I need (beyond the obvious of not as good of a therapist as I’m used to). I got the message that I need at least 10% of what I do for others to be for me and God. That is what the intent behind tithing is. Care for that which keeps everything going.

Yet I countered God with I do way more than 10%. I trade 5% of my time. I do self care another 10%, Nathan works on me another 5-10%. I get chiropractic as much as needed, which varies depending on my schedule and everything else. I exercise which helps me increase my strength and decrease problems. I take supplements that cost almost 10% of my income. I eat my super healthy, allergen free, rabbit food so stringently that 6 out of 7 days a week look exactly the same. I meditate daily, and I do multiple other things for health benefits with my remaining spare time (IR treatments, acupuncture, mechanical manipulation, inversion, etc). If you account for every ounce of effort for my health it is way way more than 10% of my work-time/finances.

With all the effort I put in, I am still morbidly obese by all standard measures. I’m only 20 pounds lighter than my father carrying multiple gallons of water weight due to congestive heart failure- so much fluid he can’t reach to wipe his own ass.

Yet I can almost put my knees behind my head, and I can pick up people that weigh as much as I do, even dead weight elderly people. That’s in addition to hours of deep tissue massage. Last week I did over 25 hours of deep tissue, and one of those hours was so deep I had to climb on the table and use my knee for the person to get their desired results.

It is seeming very not fair, and it doesn’t help that I work with people that have it easy- eating all manner of bought prepared foods and smoothies, and still looking like Abercrombie models. I would love to have the acupuncturist’s body, or the chiropractor’s either one.

But my lesson here is to love what I have because it is obvious that I’m not getting out of it any time soon.

I don’t hate my body, it keeps me going, it is strong and flexible most days. I can handle way more than most people physically speaking. I have massive endurance and there are definitely elements of my body I do really like. I love my hair, though right now I could really use a haircut. I love when my skin is tanned, it is so soft and smoothe and the tan makes it seem to glow like when I was pregnant. I love the definition I have in my calves, when I stand on my tip toes you can see the outlines of the muscles. My bones are strong by evidence of only having broken a couple of really small bones in bad accidents (a window falling, a table getting dropped on my foot), like if a bone hadn’t broken I would be wonder woman. I like that my toes and fingers are all in good proportion and in good condition. I never have trouble with athletes foot or plantar fasciitis. I can pick up my kids and carry them for a long time. I can walk miles without trouble. I’m even finally beginning to regain my core strength.

The one thing I want to change CAN, at least technically speaking. I seem to be having a devil of a time allowing it to. Simply put I want my skin to skrink and take those extra pounds away. I watched a Dr Oz episode one time where a lady like me had 40 pounds of skin removed. That is what I need, but I know for certain it is possible without surgery. I just want to figure out how to allow my body to do it, and do it much faster. I’ve read and researched several times over, and I’m already doing everything that helps (exercise, saw palmetto, Hyaluronic Acid, collagen, Infrared treatments, ultrasound treatments). If it helps I’m currently trying to do it as much as possible. Yet months into my stepping up measures, and I have very little to show for it.

The cover photo is stock image from pexels, and as much as I would love to look like that, I’m currently having difficulty believing it is possible.

This is what I looked like after Ian’s birth. It’s the smallest I have been as an adult:

This is an advertisement picture for a swimsuit, but close to what I would love to look like:

I am certain that my body can heal, and I really, really, really want it to. Today’s emotional tank didn’t help, but I know what I want and how to mentally get there. Just more practice is needed. Apparently lots more practice, and letting momentum win this one.

For now I am going to let it go and try to find my happy again. Perhaps more herbs to counter cyclical hormones.

May you have an easier time loving your body. May you know that God loves and supports you. May you know that others find you beautiful in the best ways. May you know your goals are reachable. May you know you have made progress in all ways. May you know there is a reason why you still care about others, even when they don’t care about you. May you know how to make the best of things that hit hard or sneak up out of seemingly nowhere. May you know that the important people or things will eventually come back around and have lasting meaning. May you know you are on the right track. May you have plenty of energy and endurance to get through.

Siva Hir Su