Tag Archives: analyzing myself

Your best joyful.

Today’s Sadhguru quote:

I was already thinking about my childhood when I saw the quote. Initially, contemplation was stirred by several people having asked me if I liked what I do.

I have answered honestly every time that question has ever been asked, and surprisingly my answer is not much different that the first time I was asked years ago.

In general I love what I do. I help people, I enable people to feel better and I often guide them towards finding healing (or with elderly- release, which is its own kind of healing). There have been points in my history where finances were very tight or other elements were stressful, but mostly my career is low stress and adequate financially. I will likely never become a millionaire on massage alone, but I have changed lives and helped others find less stress and more peace. I help people every day that I get up and go do what I do best.

And that is the key: WHAT I do BEST.

My best is not always hands rubbing and poking muscles. My best is not always words that come out of my mouth. My best changes from moment to moment. Sometimes it is energy work, sometimes it is the massage, sometimes it is saying just the right words at just the right moment, and sometimes it is what I do when I’m not earning my keep.

And I don’t always manage my best, but I always know why.

My mom was key in better understanding of the phrase “Always do your best”. She was the one that repeated it frequently, but she also had a deeper understanding of it.

She would tell us stories of how she was punished by teachers when she couldn’t read the blackboard after having had Scarlett fever, and finally one teacher figured out she simply couldn’t see. She would tell us stories of being moved around over and over again because she was a military kid, and all of the trouble it caused for her, but how she would get through. There were dozens of stories I heard as a kid where she was conveying that she was doing her best to survive and get through even when no one else noticed or cared, but eventually it mattered and got better.

She was key in my understanding that “Always do your best” only really matters to you. It only matters to the person doing their best. You are the only one that can determine if you are doing your best in any given moment or any given situation.

I then thought of when I was a kid participating in district solo and ensemble competitions. I was that kid that aimed for the 1’s not because I got ribbons and medals. No I aimed at the 1’s because I wanted to do my best regardless of anyone else. I would sit in a corner practicing quietly and let everyone ignore me, and later I would beat up on myself for mistakes because I knew I could do better. It wasn’t until years later that I understood I had already done my best because stage fright was real for me. Simply having managed receiving 1’s multiple times over, when battling stage fright intensely, was a feat in and of itself. Simply conquering my dyslexia on my own was a feat of my fortitude.

I was the kid that was bullied, molested, picked on or ignored mostly. But I still did my best getting good grades, setting curves, winning music and art competitions, and volunteering whenever I was able.

And to this day I am satisfied with my self-sufficient kick-ass way of always doing my best.

None of my accomplishments mean anything to the world, but they are no less amazing and spectacular. None of my accomplishments mean much to my birth family, but they are no less amazing and spectacular.

I am standing on my own and with great knowing that I can and will continue to do so, no matter what.

I am in a marriage that was completely unsupported by anyone. I have kids that were unaccepted because they are mixed race. I have largely done it all on my own and I still give my love to others daily.

I do not need anyone to support me or make things better, because I know that I always do my best, no matter what. I also know that those that shy away from me because of my baggage, are entirely missing the point.

I am a beautiful goddess and strong in my power. I am not perfect, I am a human goddess. I make mistakes, and I understand how to do better the next time. I constantly strive to do better because I know my best can keep improving. My best matters to me because it got me through when there was no one and no way to do it otherwise. My best is the result of all I’ve seen, done, and learned along the way.

And I forgive myself for the moments that weren’t my best. Humans make mistakes. It’s what you do with your mistakes that matters.

So yes, I love my career because it bring great satisfaction with minimal stress and it allows me to do my best every day I live.

To quote Abraham: “Money isn’t the root of all evil, but it isn’t the cause or solution of everything either”. For me I’d love to have more money, but I’m satisfied with the results of doing my best, even if more money never comes. My best is what has always mattered to me the most, and it’s not always measurable in dollars.

May you know that you do your best always. May you know what your best looks like and find forgiveness for the moments that aren’t. May you always understand why you didn’t accomplish your best and know how to improve next time. May you see the good in all parts of your life and have greater understanding for yourself and others. May you find that your best guides you to joyful work and a joyful life. Above all may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Mind Yourself

I find that I am needing to take my own advice again.

“Mind yourself” came about because my son is a Leo and his firey personality is easily angered and frustrated by others actions and words, especially those of his siblings. He often feels the need to roar like a lion and make his feelings about them be known. So lately I’ve just been gently reminding him to mind himself and ignore everything else. It takes a concerted effort, but eventually he does mind himself and relax.

It seems I need to listen to my own advice because I keep taking the bait, and reacting to others about stuff that I have let go of repeatedly.

Yet again everyone is in fear and speculating about all the things.

Everyone has an opinion about everything. Myself included.

Yet I am painfully aware that my opinions rarely align with others because most everyone around me wants to pick an extreme, and it depends on the topic and the person, as to which extreme I am subjected to.

This afternoon I simply went to say goodbye to coworkers I care for, and walked in to a discussion stirred by an article about venom being tested as an Covid solution.

I fell for the bait- again.

I said I was not surprised, and pointed out it wouldn’t be the first time venom has been used as a treatment for something. I also said I wouldn’t try it right now, but if it cleared proper testing and I ended up in a situation needing it, it likely wouldn’t be any riskier than any other options. At least someone is even attempting to produce options and solutions for people. I’m willing to evaluate and weigh risks of anything, it really depends on whether the risk is worth the potential results, and I whether I can handle said risk(s).

I also pointed out that us stupid humans make all kinds of mistakes, there’s not a human on this planet that hasn’t made a whole laundry list of mistakes, and sometimes I simply trust God more than any human options. Clarifying with several examples where “good science” or “good medicine” told us one thing for years, even decades or centuries, to later confess they were wrong.

Eggs being good or bad, the food guide pyramid being changed to the plate formula used now, the model of an atom has change multiple times, even the concept of being able to travel faster than sound once was impossible and now is. There are literally thousands of examples where both science and medicine have changed their minds as more data and more evaluation was possible. Our knowledge is only as good as the tools and information we have at any given time.

My phraseology and statements didn’t sit well with them… Again. I said goodnight and left, wishing I had just left without discussion.

So now I sit minding myself.

I’ve spent two days listening to Green Day and I remember why I love their music. They make awesome music off of knocking sense into the masses. Their songs are laden with righting wrongs, dealing with inner turmoil, and making sense of the senseless. Every last song I’ve heard of theirs makes me feel okay because I simply know I am not actually crazy nor am I alone in this mess.

I know that I see a bigger picture. I know that I make decisions based on my inner knowing more often than not. I know that I know how to reach my inner connection to the divine and when I’m not falling for ‘argue-with-me bait’, I know I am centered in that inner knowledge. I do know that I trust my inner being more than anything else, because it has never led me astray, only falling for someone else’s opinions has ever led me astray.

I may or may not be Mensa smart, but I know I am more intelligent than the average person, every test I have ever taken has shown that, and others notice my intelligence enough to tell me on occasion.

I know I am stronger than the average person and others notice all the time. It has provided an unending income stream of word-of-mouth referrals.

I know I am more energetically aware and in tune than the average person and others are noticing and telling me more and more frequently. It seems each week I get new requests for energetic work in addition to my massages.

I am hardworking and kind most of the time. I appreciate those around me, even when we disagree.

I do my best to help everyone around me, and my biggest fault is that there is only one of me attempting to do the work of 3 or 4.

I am a good person and I simply strive for better in whatever that means in any given moment or on any given topic.

I know that my inner being intended for me to be a beautiful goddess and I work on myself everyday reaching for the ideal I was always intended to be. I’m gradually shedding all of the toxic, old, negative junk that I collected as I grew up, and one day I will see clearly myself in my wholeness.

I have supported myself wholly and completely. There simply wasn’t anyone else to rely on for much of my life, even as a child my family really wanted me to be self sufficient to eliminate any burden on them. It was sink or swim and even though I almost sank in middle school, the rest of my life has been swimming and swimming and swimming (with a little floating on occasion). I will keep swimming with an occasional float to rest. One day I will reach shore and lounge on the beach for a rest. Then I will get up and keep walking. That is the journey of life, and I am on my journey for better or for worse. I will keep moving until whatever day that my divine half decides is fit for transition. I’m okay with knowing that.

I am okay. We are all okay. No matter what. Life is a journey and death is just a transition. It all keeps this immense infinite universe of ours moving forward.

May you find ways to mind your self. May you find ways to avoid taking the bait. May you see your self in the best ways and know that you are enough and that you are worthy. May you know that your life journey is all what you make it. May you know that you are okay no matter what, and that the universe is safe. May you think bigger to get past the little crap that has you stuck and focused in unhelpful ways. May you always find your source and float mostly. Above all may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Inked commitments

I see a lot of ink in my job, in fact sometimes I recognize somebody’s face, but I don’t really remember who they are until they get on the table and I see their ink. This week one of my irregular clients was in. I’ve seen her 2 or 3 times over the last year and half, so I didn’t immediately remember her. She has a tattoo that reads: “I am my own before I am anyone else’s”. That helped me remember and in prior sessions she was fairly quiet.

Her tattoo, however, made me think about commitments in a big way. Not just the commitment of ink, but in the message it, and she, conveyed.

She spoke of having a fiancee, someone she cared about and was committed to, but then she also spoke about not getting married ever. She referenced all the problems that happen in regards to marriage. She spoke mainly of financial concerns based on a book she had read encouraging people to navigate the system in beneficial ways. They were all thoughts that had crossed my mind early in mine and Nathan’s relationship. She’s right, there are lots of reasons to not want to get married. I have experienced some of them in my own marriage and in watching my parents marriage. Financial concerns, strife and arguments being the biggest factors that I’ve noticed in mine and my parents marriages.

I admired her commitment to herself, and genuinely hope that it works out for her. For me I see the compromise that we make just living life, and acknowledge that myself comes first in most ways, all which I’m able, but it’s still life. My goal is to live my best life and take care of myself as best as possible, but in some cases that means extra challenges. It is that which leaves me acknowledging there are also lots of reasons to do the commitment of marriage. That is why many of the old masculine paradigm are still drawn to it.

Even the government acknowledges that once you’ve lived together, shared finances for so long, and had children, you’re essentially already married. And let’s face it if you’re that entwined, augments are inevitable to some degree. Most states acknowledge this with “common law” marriage rules. And let’s be honest if you’re having children, either you’re living together and sharing everything anyway, or you’re separated and one parent is automatically the non-custodial parent. Said parent has limited visitation and limited rights and required financial commitments (child support). States do frequently pursue child support from non-custodial parents even when marriage was never addressed, and often when there were supposedly amicable agreements. On the other hand, if you’re living together you share all the rights and all the responsibilities, and it’s still up to both of you, as to how that is handled. The choice of getting married or staying unmarried doesn’t do anything to solve the puzzle of having children. There are pros and cons to both sides of that fence, and if you want to be an active participant in your childrens’ lives then common law or traditional marriage are your only real options. Otherwise you get the short end of the stick in most ways, and still have to pay for them.

In mine and Nathan’s marriage it has meant a big factor was making certain that his daughter would be cared for should anything happen to him. Right now due to legalities he is solely responsible for education and medical concerns for her, and has been since her mom died. However because her mom is already deceased, if anything happened to Nathan, all I would have to do is present both death certificates to proper governing bodies and assuming there were no other petitions for custody, I would be granted legal guardianship. It has been a huge relief factor considering Nathan’s health concerns beginning early in our relationship, starting 6 months after we decided to marry. There have been other concerns over children as well, since I’ve now produced two more of them.

Yet we are polyamorous.

Polyamory struggles with this conundrum because in most of the United States only one marriage is legal. So, you play the dance of trying to decide: 1-do I marry one person and call everyone else my significant other, or 2- do I marry none legally and just have a bunch of significant others, or 3- do I marry no one legally and hand-fast my partners to have multiple non-legal spouses.

It creates hierarchical structure concerns, and then when children get involved, it creates further custody and responsibility concerns for every adult in the family. United States law simply has not addressed polyamory in any way to date. So, most polyamorous families end up attempting to solve the problem with legal guidance, and legal documentation, to sometimes still have biological grandparents/aunts/uncles throw kinks into postmortem processes. There have been more than a few polyamorous families, and many polygamist families, end up in long legal battles after one adult passed away.

That is why Nathan and I drug our heals at making the commitment. We both acknowledged that marriage was a huge risk by itself, and being poly from the onset of our relationship made it an even larger risk as a commitment. We discussed it for hours on end, many times over 4 years, before finally sealing the deal. We weighed pros and cons and all the risks of both sides.

For me it boiled down to love. I knew I loved Nathan and his daughter enough to take every last one of the scary risks we had acknowledged, especially after his miserable divorce completed. I was willing to walk through fire if it meant they knew I loved them and wanted the best that I could manage for them.

I also knew that my own health battle meant I regularly fought both inside and outside of myself. My brain was frequently intent on making me see the worst in everything and it would often cause a strong desire for either death, suicide, or escape, no matter the circumstances. I knew that for me the commitment had to be extra hard to get out of, mostly to make certain I would fight hard enough to win the war waged in my brain and emotions. I wanted to make sure that my inner me, who loved them truly and deeply, had a trigger in my mental sphere to encourage the fight for good. I didn’t want the negative ninny in my brain to win simply because it was easy to escape. Marriage ultimately became my insurance to fight for my own life and to keep reaching for the love I knew was there.

I knew my love for Nathan and his daughter was worth fighting for. Every good moment felt amazing. Every time my brain was in a good space, there wasn’t a shred of doubt that I loved them. It was a deeply felt knowing, that when my brain was clear, was easy access. I wanted to preserve that even when my brain malfunctioned, and being married with divorce as a consequence enabled me to win against my brain over and over again.

To this day I still acknowledge that divorce really would do me no good. It won’t solve the role of finances and could make it even worse. It won’t solve my brain’s function. It won’t make taking care of myself any easier. It won’t be helpful for children, and could potentially traumatize all of us. Divorce simply won’t fix anything that is broken, and could lead to even greater damages. So it is still my safety net to continue to fight the good fight for love. May it always work and love overcome all.

I hope that one day there will be another that feels as I do, and we can commit through all of those legal hoops, to make a solid attempt at protecting a poly family. Anyone willing to go through that definitely has love and all of our best interests at heart.

May you always know how to put yourself first and care for yourself as fully as life allows. May you know that occasionally legal commitment is the route to enable that. May you know that not all commitments must be legal to be truly valid, that a commitment is really demonstrated in many ways on a daily basis, sometimes as simply as surviving the rough parts. May you know that everything has a reason and a purpose, and that our goal here on Earth is to find ways to improve upon everything as best as we are able. May you see that improvement in yourself and know that you win a war every time that your brain would prefer you don’t. Regardless of your decisions may you see that everything works out just as you need. Above all my you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti