Tag Archives: analyzing

Watering continues.

The last couple of days I’ve been mostly well. There have been moments of confusion and moments of distress, but mostly I’ve stayed focused on what I want and generally buoyant. I really kicked butt yesterday doing 4 appointments consisting of 2.25 hours of continuous deep tissue. I approved the back-to-back stretch to accommodate helping the acupuncturist’s wife, whose neck had locked up- something I’m very familiar with.

Today is a day off, with the exception of one easy make-up home-visit appointment early this morning. Somehow, though the overcast weather and cooler temperatures have me hibernating.

I’m feeling my divine masculine today, fairly intensely. It has brought up lots of thoughts and feelings.

Somehow my thoughts keep cycling back to a man from my past, back when Anya was a baby: Rajesh. I keep remembering a point when I was at my worst, it’s been coming up frequently the last few weeks but today it’s really nagging at me.

Things had been happening involving him, his wife (my then best friend from high school), Nathan, and I. The specific memory is of when I lost control of myself and fell deep into depression and despair. Rajesh had found me crying and rocking myself in the upstairs closet. I was struggling so hard, fighting to regain control of my brain that I couldn’t even speak, and I remember him asking me something. I remember him standing there watching me and I remember wanting him to just hold me. To hug me and comfort me. After a moment, I can’t even define in time measurements, he said something and left. Moments later Nathan came in and held me.

Rajesh never did speak to me about that moment. I assumed he was either afraid to, or didn’t want to upset me. Yet to this day when the memory comes up I get embarrassed for not having been able to speak, and I still think about how much I just wanted him to show he cared by holding me. I really wanted to feel love in that moment and I respected him so much that I wished he had just loved me. Maybe he did and didn’t know how to show it, or simply how to respond in that moment.

I have no idea why this memory keeps resurfacing, and that’s ultimately why I wrote about it. I thought maybe writing it out would bring clarity. Yet I know that the state I was in means that the memory is incomplete. There are details my brain was unable to retain, which acknowledging that brings more confusion. Why now, nearly 13 years later, can I not shake it, and why does it flare my sense of my divine masculine.

I know that I am now in a much different mental space, mostly having defeated depression, and without a trace of medication. Thanks to Dr. Illardi’s “Depression Cure”. For that I’m utterly grateful. I owe that alignment to God, for I begged for help, and the people and resources to connect me with the therapist wielding that book resulted. It was divine grace that took over and helped me find my necessary set of tools to defeat depression in my life. The closet incident was one of my lowest points and now I’m able to maintain a much higher level of functioning even when something breaks my stride.

Maybe the memory is just acknowledging that massive improvement and reminding me of my gratitude for God and my solution. Yet it feels like more than that. My whole upper body is on fire with just that memory. That I don’t understand.

Regardless of my confusion, I do wish to acknowledge my decade of improvement. So that’s where I’ll water my dreams of Atira today.

  • I have supported my family, on my own, for a decade without keeping “a day job”. I’ve been successfully self-employed for nearly a decade.
  • During that same decade, I birthed 2 healthy children at home with minimal allopathic medical services.
  • During that same decade I took myself from nearly losing my life to depression, to being as mentally and emotionally stable as is considered normal.
  • I have started to slowly chip away at correcting financial damage done when Nathan got sick.
  • I’m nearly to a point where I will be able to buy us a home again and escape the decade of renting and being at the mercy of less than desirable landlords.
  • I have taken every opportunity possible to expand my knowledge and increase my skill sets.
  • I have maintained board certification and licensure over 12 years, despite having to move many times over.
  • I’m good at what I do because I care and I allow God to assist me. My hands do God’s work every day.
  • Though it seems I’m still very far from my big dream of Atira, I have made real progress. I have taken action steps and accomplished small goals to keep on my path to that big dream.
  • I give love at every opportunity, despite the fact that I’ve loved and lost, that I’ve loved and been hurt by several of those I gave my heart to. I do my best to find unconditional love, sometimes I accomplish that better than others, but I always aim for that.
  • I’m closer than I’ve ever been to being able to build and maintain Atira, one piece at a time.
  • I am strong and have amazing endurance.

May you all find moments of understanding and clarity. May you all experience growth and make progress towards even your biggest of dreams. May you all find unconditional love in your life.

Be well.

Siva Hir Su.

New Perspective

My quote from Abraham this morning comes on the heels of a discussion with Nathan about how I’m changing my perspective on food.

“When you are in vibrational harmony, your body produces whatever it needs to remain in perfect balance.”

-Excerpted from Boston, MA on 10/20/96
Our Love,

Esther
(and Abraham and Jerry)

So the discussion was last night, and essentially I explained that I had been noticing a trend where people in general, but especially younger people- babies and children, are experiencing the same patterns I have with food.

I have also noted many people talking about a shift happening in humanity. Often from different perspectives and on different topics (politics, socio-economic, healing, diet, etc ).

Putting two and two together, my theory and change in perspective has broken down to the following.

Making the assumption that the shift is real, and pervades all areas of our lives, one would have to acknowledge that mankind is changing. Abraham states that forward momentum is to higher vibrations. So human kind as a whole is shifting to a higher vibration.

Food Allergies then could be interpreted as the resistance against mooving towards that higher vibration with diet and healing. It is the result of being more sensitive to the energy and vibration that food carries. If your body has already acknowledged that it wants to keep up with the shift, and knows what level of vibration that equals, then it is going to really push back every time you give it anything less than what is desired. Thus, you become “allergic” to lower vibrating foods.

Now what:

So then one (especially Myself) must admit the dissonance and focus on the solution. In my case with food, that has become repeatedly acknowledging that I am now hyper sensitive to foods and my body only wants the highest vibrating foods in just enough quantities to sustain myself.

Once I allowed myself to keep up with me, and focus on that repetition, it’s as if the battle is not as hard. My body is beginning to shed toxins and inflammation is backing off, I’m feeling much better physically. It has also made sticking to my regimen easier to stomach, so to speak (double entendre intentional).

I am back to my nibble of super healthy food every couple of hours. Nuts, apples, pears, lean plain meats- mostly fish or chicken, and far more salads in my experience with the deep dark greens.

I’m also referencing being very sensitive to foods now, instead of talking about my allergies or being allergic. I just say I’m very sensitive to foods and so I’m extra careful most of the time in choosing what I eat.

The Fall:

Now, that has not eliminated the social environments where food is provided and heavily encouraged by others. Anya’s birthday last week was a good example. However, my new perspective has still helped. Essentially, I apologized to my body in advance and explained to myself that one meal was not going to kill me, that I did enjoy the tastes of the food, and social atmosphere and supporting Anya. I also spoke to my body, stating that I know I’m capable of eliminating the toxins. I talked myself though reducing the reaction and speeding up the corrective process.

Additionally, I reinforced for myself that I know if I were more in control of the moment I would have chosen an alternate option for the meal, but I was conceding to another’s choice and control because I wanted her to enjoy her birthday- it was her day of honor however she would choose. That was solely due to how much I care for her, and is something I’ve gotten more selective over as well. Not just anyone gets to persuade me to make low vibration food choices anymore.

I also took extra allergy medicine preemptively to help with reducing my experience of the reaction. It all helped, it did not eliminate the reaction, but did significantly improve it in terms of duration and severity.

After the fact, I told myself it’s not a lifestyle that I want to live, so better choices are definitely better. However, it was manageable and I do have the tools and information to make the climb back up the health ladder to vibrate higher again more quickly.

I definitely did not enjoy the aftermath, I did however enjoy the meal itself (sans my son’s antics) and also enjoyed knowing that I accomplished the correction quickly and easily. 1 step backwards, but 2 steps forward this time. That I like as well.

So, my new perspective brought some peace of mind and acknowledgement that I myself am improving and heading toward higher vibrations. I’m allowing me keep up with ME more. That feels really good.

On a side-note update:

My dreams of giving birth and dieing have subsided. Hindsight is ALWAYS 20/20, and I realized it was solely because of the activities job. The last 2 days there I kept telling myself, not my baby anymore, because the trainee had done things in an odd way. I realized that I had given so much of myself to that position that I literally felt like I was losing myself and my baby.

Having cleared the other side, I’m still intact. I’m still me, and I still have my dream of Atira. One day I will discover my solution to build Atira and keep myself healthy and keep my family cared for. For now, I am still helping that surrogate baby by filling in on paperwork and calendar tasks. I still walk away with a much fuller knowledge of the workings of a community that size. I still have improved myself and gained knowledge. Now I can relax a bit and recuperate and heal the damage from the stress and my diet during that period.

I am supported by the universe and I am safe. And twice this week I’ve been told by different sources that Archangel Michael is watching over me to ensure that stays true. I take that validation with a huge Thank You to the Divine. I’m very appreciative that things are still improving and that I have evidence of support from the universe.

Bhagavad Gita meets Abraham

So, if you’ve read my blog, you may be aware I’ve come in contact with many things that most Midwestern American young white women would have no clue of their existence.

Partly this was due to my own inner knowing early on, that my parents religious path left much to be desired for me personally. Also it was partly due to a very unique set of individuals I met growing up.

In middle school I had friends of several different Christian faiths that allowed me to visit their churches. What I discovered was that I didn’t really mesh with any of the churches completely.

By highschool, I had read books on Zen Buddhism, Taoism, other eastern paths, and had learned quite a bit about my ancient ancestors which were most likely druids.

I had one friend that moved into the same small school I did, within months of my moving in. That friend introduced me to Wicca and reading her books, I knew it was headed the right direction. Another friend lived there her whole life, but her parents’ home was the regional Buddhist temple and I was fortunate to meet the Lama on one of his visits to Iowa. It was a very special afternoon, one I still remember vividly because I felt very clearly when something said resonated and when it didn’t.

Then by sophomore year I’d read “Siddhartha” and “Iliad and Oddessy” as part of my academic endeavors. I&O for a lit class and Siddhartha for academic decathlon. Both instructors guiding the readings commented that I seemed to get much more out of either story than most ‘kids my age’. They were right, much of both stories resonated deeply, but there were still gaps in what I was searching for.

We lived near Maharishi University, and many people in the Iowa city area followed their teachings, so my next stop was to see what I might glean from their teachings. I discovered meditation and had learned basics of many Hindu concepts. That seemed to fill many of the gaps I felt. In an effort to know more, I read more. That was my first reading of the Bhagavad Gita.

I’ve begun rereading the BG because it didn’t stick as well back then. However, in reading it for a second time, I’m now almost tempted to reread the others (time being the only hindrance).

What I’m discovering is that language barriers in translations probably hindered my understanding somewhat in the first reading. This time I’m understanding much more of what is being said and I’m amazed at how much of it overlaps with Abraham Hicks teachings. It makes me wonder if the same thing happened with “Siddhartha” and “Iliad & Oddessy” in particular.

I know both books’ translations were well respected versions, and I remember clearly some scenes being so enthralling for me that it was as if my brain turned them into movies .

For instance in “Siddhartha” there is an excerpt where the main character meditates by a stream and sees all the faces of his life experience, in the stream. It led him to the understanding of how we are all part of one greater energy stream. When I read that part of the story, it was as if I was sitting by the stream having that experience. It was vivid and real, and I fully and completely understood exactly what was being conveyed.

I was roughly 14 when I read that.

I was only a year or so older the first time I picked up the Bhagavad Gita. So if my new reading is so eye opening, with this text, I can’t imagine the response I’d have with another pass on Siddhartha.

For instance:

In the BG’s 4th chapter/book titled “The Way of Renunciation of Action in Knowledge” the 18th verse/line reads: “He who sees inaction in action, and action in inaction is intelligent among men, he is a yogi and a doer of all action.”

To me I hear a direct echo of Abraham talking about how uninspired physical action is useless and unproductive, but if one meditates and finds inspiration in meditation, then any action based upon that inspiration is bound to be successful. Abraham has said it many ways, but regardless of the words the meaning is the same. Inactive meditation followed by inspired action is the best and most effective, wisest use of our lives.

Who knew that there was so much overlap?!

Abraham probably did!

Heck somewhere in my mind it had to have registered. Yet, another thing Abraham is right about. If you’re not ready to receive the information, then no amount of exposure will line you up with it.

Just because I read the text years ago didn’t mean it registered, that’s why I even acknowledged a reread couldn’t hurt. I knew I’d missed things, and it just didn’t stick over time.

Now that I’ve heard the information from a western perspective, and accepted it’s applications in my life, it’s starting to sink in. That has led to seeing the missed variations that I’d already read years before.

For me this is merely validation that I’m on the right track. I’d already read it years ago, but over time I’ve been exposed to variations from throughout history, and it’s finally making sense. I’m finally understanding and seeing it working, and rereading one of the early examples causing a ‘seeing it for what it is’ realization.

It’s like hiking a path to the top of a crest and looking down the crest one way, and looking back down the path and connecting just how far you’ve come.

It feels good.

I think I’ll finish the Bhagavad Gita just to solidify for myself that I’ve gotten what I can out of it.

May you all have your AhHa moments this week and have that sense of accomplishment. It is good to feel that sense of ‘coming so far’ to know where you’ve been.

The Real Dirty Work Starts with a Bang.

 That is my leg with arnica gel all over it after meeting a sledge hammer in the worst possible way.  A physical manifestation of the proverbial 2×4 to the psyche.

It was January 1st: New year’s day. We needed to cut wood for the stove to continue with having wonderful heat.  I did what I always do- help. It doesn’t matter how busy I’ve been or how tired I am,  if there’s work to be done that I will benefit from,  I do my best to help.  New year’s may have been a holiday,  but really it was just another day in my life, so help I did. 

Nathan was using the chainsaw to cut chunks,  & I was using the maul to split those chuncks. All was going fairly smoothly,  but there was one section of log that just didn’t want to split. I gave up on it several times to split others. After about 30 min of swinging the maul and sledge hammer,  I’d caught up to Nathan & didn’t have any other large pieces to work with. So I went to give the stubborn piece one more try.  I got the maul into it again, & started to pound on the maul with the sledge.  It wasn’t budging, so I reeled back to give one really hard hit. As the sledge came down it grazed the maul just barely & continued full  force into my shin.

I saw stars – again!

 After falling off the steps just weeks before, it seems there’s a theme here like with Wiley E. Cyote & Road Runner. 

I hobbled over to the van to sit & put my leg up on the door. Nathan went to get ice & arnica. I knew since I could walk it wasn’t broken,  hairline maybe,  but not bad.

Ian kept asking: mommy what happened,  why are you crying.  I kept telling him:  I hit my leg hard, it really, really hurts.

When Nathan brought the ice,  my leg hurt too much to put it on, so I started to down Arnica pellets. For best effects you are supposed to space the pellets 15min. I think I was managing every 5min. After several rounds of pellets I moved inside,  applied the gel, & then managed to  gingerly rest the ice on it. About an hour later is when I took that picture.

At this point, 3 days later,  it’s still tender to the touch,  but otherwise you can barely tell anything happened.  I’m so grateful for Arnica.

Now, having had a chance to reflect, I see that I’ve yet again gotten the proverbial 2×4 to the head again.  What do I mean by that? 

Well, it seems that when the other side:  be it guides, spirit (s), ancestors, &/or God- (I’m really not sure whom); is trying to get your attention and you’re not figuring it out, they make you stop. Literally.

Every time,  something happens, which forces me to stop for a while.  I’m literally forced to take a break.

Now,  I’ve written about messages that I’ve gotten lately. So I believe I’m getting it,  but then they make me stop. So obviously I’m missing something somewhere. 

Maybe its bad interpretations on my part.  Maybe I’m not getting all of the messages. Humans, including myself, do tend to have selective listening. I’m really not sure, but I’ve had to stop and step back.

For some people that might be easy,  but for my rumination inclined mind,  it’s not.  That’s really my dirty work, and very difficult,  especially emotionally. 

How then do I analyze and interpret without ruminating?  The answer is still elusive to me, but I’m working on stopping the analyzing when it turns negative too long- thanks to some tools gleaned from therapy. 

So far,  it seems my new messages seem to be about focusing on myself for a bit.  Giving myself loving care,  slowing down, allowing myself to be more in the energy of healing.  I’m no stranger to these concepts,  and in general feel pretty good about myself, my strength, my skills, my determination, and my ability to love and find compassion.

 Many other traits as well, but I do admit that I often put others before myself. I frequently focus on others needs more than my own. I can be easily distracted,  and sometimes even a good distraction can be over played/ overdone, and I rarely allow myself to just be and rest.

  Yesterday,  I had a good friend of mine challenge me with the statement that everything is in your life for a reason.  She pointed out that if I’m seeing a pattern,  then it means I’ve not learned from it fully yet.  Things repeat when you don’t get them the first time.

Now, I’ve been off  of Facebook for a little over 2 months.  It’s been a good thing.  I’m less stressed, and those that really care have still stayed connected.  I’m grateful to know that I have a loving husband and supportive friends. That being said I still find plenty of distractions.  I merely replaced Facebook with thoughts and other things. 

My friend suggested that my online intrest might be just that.  He might be my brain’s substitution, essentially filling my desire for a distraction from all the rest. I had to admit she might be right. It could solely be my desire for a loving gentle distraction.

So I’ve intentionally pulled back to try & figure things out.  The last 3 days have been very messy emotionally. 

In my conversation with the friend yesterday she pointed out that there is some kind of energetic misalignment,  & she reinforced that I  need to figure out a way to be happy regardless of whether or not the relationship progresses.

Wow. I keep circulating back around to the feeling place of the connection. How I feel during conversations,  how my heart feels when I think of him, how it’s such a rare experience in my life. There are only 3 others in my life that have shared that connection: Nathan & to a lesser degree 2 of my best friends. I like these feelings a lot, I look forward to them. Intentionally shutting that off is hard.  I feel the lack very intensely.

I can’t help but wonder  why the connection would be so strong,  so unique, if it didn’t mean anything except a distraction.

Regardless, I’ve  logged out, leaving my  contact info behind.  I’ve pulled back energetically.  I’m working on reducing thoughts of him. I can’t help sending the energy of love and respect  and well wishes though. I  just feel I’m hurting myself by doing anything less or contrasting.

I’ve also started to analyze other smaller events of recent.  Attempting to glean messages I might have missed. 

This area is full of KState panther heads in their beautiful purple, but in the last few weeks I’ve frequently seen  it juxtaposed against a red boar- I have no idea whose logo it is, but someone said Arkansas. I think for me it’s less about team references and more about color theory and animal totem meanings. I’ve got a working theory about personality traits, but I don’t fully grok it yet. 

 Then there’s my burn…

Don’t worry,  I shot that while parked at the library. 

The shape is a perfect vesica piscis, having been created when I bumped my hand on the metal shade of my 200W light therapy lamp. The deepest part of the burn has scabbing from it being opened by friction during my massage work.  I can’t help but think of 3rd eye depictions like found on images of Shiva & Buddha. Am I supposed to see meaning behind being burned by light & finding inner knowing? It sounds straight forward enough, but that thought feels off, like maybe I’ve not got the whole interpretation correct.

Finally,  because I do a lot of driving, I seem to get a lot of messages through vehicles.  Bumper stickers, license plates,  etc. Lately there have been abnormally large numbers of repetitive characters. Loads of T’s (reference to my name perhaps), and gobs of GKS/GXS, CX, Z’s, & the number sequence with 9 (789, 897, 798, etc). I don’t really know what these mean. I’ve guessed the numbers might be something to do with birthdays or my placement on the emotional guidance scale (see below). Though I’m not sure, I feel like the x’s & k’s might have to do with kissing (o’s & x’s meaning hugs & kisses,  & kiss often is shortened to kk  or x when texting), & though I’d like it to mean kissing a certain someone,  I’ll leave it at the general idea for now.

Having a painful wake up call makes me hesitate a little on my observations & interpretations a bit.

I have definitely been hovering between “6. Hopefullness” and about “13. Doubt”, but most of my time is at about 9 or 10. Hence the numbers might be accurate.  Obviously I need to work myself back up the scale. Easier said than done.  But acknowledging that doesn’t answer what the letters & numbers mean.

Especially since the last one really shocked me. Sitting in multi-lane traffic, I realized the 3 license plates in front of me had a message.  Left to right the letters of each plate read: FEL, FER, FER. I told Nathan.  He tried looking up the letters. FEL  didn’t return anything useful: there was some female singer,  but he didn’t think it applied. FER returned several results: ” apparently it’s a last name to some. .. Fer is a night club”….  But the one we were both taken aback by is this logo:

Zagreb is in Croatia. I have no living connections to that part of the world, but I have 2, maybe 3, possible deceased connections.   Also,  my online friend is an engineer. 

Is it a stretch? Maybe. I also thought the important overlap of FE could be a reference to needing more iron,  but my diet is currently green stuff & lean meats. I’d think I’d be getting enough iron. 

So yet again,  I’m at a loss,  seeing a message, but having no real clue as to what the hell it means. 

So I’ve slowed down,  stepped back,  & I’m mulling over everything whilst doing my best not to ruminate.  I’m breathing deeply.  I’m listening to music so I can feel something other than my messy ball of emotional goop. I’m working just enough, & accepting anything that happens scheduling wise as vital and necessary.  Which means that yesterday I got a short nap,  and didn’t actually make any money. Instead I traded my  friend  cupping to help her neck & back,  and she guided me through cutting cords. It was a massively intense,  yet very helpful experience.  Yesterday was much needed, and I’m grateful for every second of it. Hopefully I’ll see the meaning/my answers soon,  and my emotions will calm.

For now:

“I am where I am, and it’s okay.”

I will survive,  and continue on this game of life regardless of what happens, I’ve made it 34 years,  I can do at least another 34.

I am grateful for meeting my dear friend online,  I wish him happiness,  health, prosperity, and that all his dreams come true, regardless whether he remains a part of my life.

I acknowledge that having a big heart and easily loving those that readily give me genuine attention, sometimes means I might end up feeling the sting of loss. Loss is part of life, and though it hurts, it is not permanent.  I’m a better person for the loving. “Tis better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all.” – Sir Alfred Tynison

I hope that this particular connection means something good,  and has lasting positive effects, but acknowledge it’s out of my hands. This one is not mine to solve, and regardless of what the end result is, I will remain true to myself,  stay strong, and keep moving,  heading toward better days. That’s all anyone can ever do- move forward in whatever that means.