Tag Archives: analyzing

I feel icky.

I had to cut my last appointment short this afternoon and spent several hours growling and stewing.

The man was developmentally delayed and had nervous ticks, which I initially thought was something akin to turret’s syndrome.

He had no concerns of note and had come for a relaxing massage. I work at a chiropractic clinic, those words are not common in that environment, but not unheard of either. Some of my female clients came to me initially because of a problem, but when said problem resolved they were hooked and now keep coming back even without major complaints. So just because someone asks for a relaxing massage, my spidey sense doesn’t necessarily activate. Bonus this man was new to me, but not the clinic, as far as I was aware.

I proceeded to complete my session as requested, and most often I start men face down, this was no different.

I never used to do that, as in Iowa it wasn’t a problem- ever- to start men face up. But once in the KC area, another therapist had recommended it at one point for helping men to chill out. Apparently, men down here have more trouble controlling themselves and relaxing into therapeutic sessions. Don’t ask me why geography causes that, I have no idea, and bonus it ticks me off.

Anyway as I worked he kept adjusting himself. Once I had him turn over, still under the sheets, he began fidgeting excessively. I stopped several times until he would settle.

Then he did the show stopping act of touching himself. The first time I thought I’d made it up in my head and paused. Second time was obvious. I stopped again and looked at the clock, I was 20 min from end of session. I looked back to see his hands moving and was done.

I thought what if this man is so damn delayed that he genuinely doesn’t know what he’s doing is wrong. Where I would normally punish that act on my table, this time I didn’t. I finished working on his shoulders, dropped the table to normal height and walked out without saying a word.

As soon as I cleared the hallway I informed both the chiropractor and the front desk that he was not allowed to schedule any further massages due to touching himself in session. I also required full payment for his shortened session as punishment, saying he needs to learn that lesson.

Later I found out that his card bounced and will have to be sent to collections. Not only was I subjected to icky, I may not get paid for my time. I seriously wanted to hunt him down.

As it is, I’ve stewed over it for several hours and it’s caused me to want to change one of my art images hanging on my wall.

I can’t say my art piece had anything to do with it, but I have gone nearly 2 years without such vulgarity and the only thing that changed was I hung an image I did almost a decade ago.

The image was a commentary on creation. It shows the silohuette of a cell, sperm, and embryo over a watercolor resembling a star nebula. I was trying to make a statement that conception is only part of creation. You must follow through by nourishing the growing embryo to even hope to birth anything. A star is not born overnight, it takes aeons to go from a colorful gaseous cloud to what we know of as a star. I was conveying that it doesn’t matter what birth you are aiming for, they all take time, nourishment and patience.

I think it is a beautiful image with a beautiful message was why I hung it in the first place. I thought it deserved for others to see it and no longer hide in my portfolio. So I hung it last week.

Now this icky man.

So I’m going to take down my beautiful image and replace it with one fitting of a chiropractic office. I have a drawing a few years older even the is of a whitetail deer sacrum from the proximal view. I suppose it is the better image for the environment and will hopefully keep any further icky out of my office.

I don’t know that I have either image accessible to post here, so I’ll post them when I do the exchange.

May you never have icky throw up on you at work. May you know for certain that you did nothing to attract such icky moments. May your creations be truly appreciated and see the light of day more frequently. May you know that the true meaning of your work is known and appreciated always, regardless of whether it is artwork, healing, or anything else you do. May you know that God loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Teaching Humanity to Fish

Give a man a fish
He eats for a day
Teach a man to fish
He eats for a lifetime

So the bible reads
Yet fishing is not difficult
It's metaphor for
Living life fully
Supporting oneself
Successfully

Why was he not fishing
To begin with?

Did he fall ill?
Was he somehow hurt?
Did his previous fishing
End in trauma?

Perhaps he was born
Without hands
Or lost a hand
In an accident

Perhaps his only skill
Was fishing
But life took him
Far from any water

Perhaps a mishap
Almost took his life
Left him feeling futility

Perhaps his
Skills or tools
Failed him
Perhaps he did his best
And still fell short

Perhaps he made mistakes
Big or small
Many or few
That caused him to
Loose everything
All his tools taken from him
Disheartened
Given in and given up

Maybe he has lost faith
In himself
In God's guidance
Or helpfulness
Maybe he sees no reason
To keep trying to fish
Never quite experiencing
The supposed benefits

It doesn't mean it's not
Still important
Maybe those are all
Just hurdles
He doesn't know
How to overcome

Perhaps teaching
The ability to fish
Is more complex
Than society acknowledges

Still a worthy goal
Still better than just
Giving the day's fish

Perhaps it's humanity's
Responsibility
To come together
To solve the complexity
Of teaching all men
Not just how to fish

To teach them how to
Overcome obstacles
Everything preventing
Their fishing success

Including finding
Faith
In oneself
Where once it was lost

Including finding
Reasons
To believe
To keep trying
To keep doing

Finding the knowing
Of his place
His role in
This vast eternal
Universe

Finding the knowing
God's guidance
Has been trying to
Get through to him
All along

Finding God
Loved him
All along
Even in the obstacles
And disheartened
Ignorance

We all fish
Some have more
Obstacles and challenges
Than others

Our responsibility to
Help another
Around obstacles
We learned to overcome

Community coming together
Joined forces
Helps everyone
Learn to fish
No matter the cause
Of the need to learn

~ Treasa Cailleach

Watering continues.

The last couple of days I’ve been mostly well. There have been moments of confusion and moments of distress, but mostly I’ve stayed focused on what I want and generally buoyant. I really kicked butt yesterday doing 4 appointments consisting of 2.25 hours of continuous deep tissue. I approved the back-to-back stretch to accommodate helping the acupuncturist’s wife, whose neck had locked up- something I’m very familiar with.

Today is a day off, with the exception of one easy make-up home-visit appointment early this morning. Somehow, though the overcast weather and cooler temperatures have me hibernating.

I’m feeling my divine masculine today, fairly intensely. It has brought up lots of thoughts and feelings.

Somehow my thoughts keep cycling back to a man from my past, back when Anya was a baby: Rajesh. I keep remembering a point when I was at my worst, it’s been coming up frequently the last few weeks but today it’s really nagging at me.

Things had been happening involving him, his wife (my then best friend from high school), Nathan, and I. The specific memory is of when I lost control of myself and fell deep into depression and despair. Rajesh had found me crying and rocking myself in the upstairs closet. I was struggling so hard, fighting to regain control of my brain that I couldn’t even speak, and I remember him asking me something. I remember him standing there watching me and I remember wanting him to just hold me. To hug me and comfort me. After a moment, I can’t even define in time measurements, he said something and left. Moments later Nathan came in and held me.

Rajesh never did speak to me about that moment. I assumed he was either afraid to, or didn’t want to upset me. Yet to this day when the memory comes up I get embarrassed for not having been able to speak, and I still think about how much I just wanted him to show he cared by holding me. I really wanted to feel love in that moment and I respected him so much that I wished he had just loved me. Maybe he did and didn’t know how to show it, or simply how to respond in that moment.

I have no idea why this memory keeps resurfacing, and that’s ultimately why I wrote about it. I thought maybe writing it out would bring clarity. Yet I know that the state I was in means that the memory is incomplete. There are details my brain was unable to retain, which acknowledging that brings more confusion. Why now, nearly 13 years later, can I not shake it, and why does it flare my sense of my divine masculine.

I know that I am now in a much different mental space, mostly having defeated depression, and without a trace of medication. Thanks to Dr. Illardi’s “Depression Cure”. For that I’m utterly grateful. I owe that alignment to God, for I begged for help, and the people and resources to connect me with the therapist wielding that book resulted. It was divine grace that took over and helped me find my necessary set of tools to defeat depression in my life. The closet incident was one of my lowest points and now I’m able to maintain a much higher level of functioning even when something breaks my stride.

Maybe the memory is just acknowledging that massive improvement and reminding me of my gratitude for God and my solution. Yet it feels like more than that. My whole upper body is on fire with just that memory. That I don’t understand.

Regardless of my confusion, I do wish to acknowledge my decade of improvement. So that’s where I’ll water my dreams of Atira today.

  • I have supported my family, on my own, for a decade without keeping “a day job”. I’ve been successfully self-employed for nearly a decade.
  • During that same decade, I birthed 2 healthy children at home with minimal allopathic medical services.
  • During that same decade I took myself from nearly losing my life to depression, to being as mentally and emotionally stable as is considered normal.
  • I have started to slowly chip away at correcting financial damage done when Nathan got sick.
  • I’m nearly to a point where I will be able to buy us a home again and escape the decade of renting and being at the mercy of less than desirable landlords.
  • I have taken every opportunity possible to expand my knowledge and increase my skill sets.
  • I have maintained board certification and licensure over 12 years, despite having to move many times over.
  • I’m good at what I do because I care and I allow God to assist me. My hands do God’s work every day.
  • Though it seems I’m still very far from my big dream of Atira, I have made real progress. I have taken action steps and accomplished small goals to keep on my path to that big dream.
  • I give love at every opportunity, despite the fact that I’ve loved and lost, that I’ve loved and been hurt by several of those I gave my heart to. I do my best to find unconditional love, sometimes I accomplish that better than others, but I always aim for that.
  • I’m closer than I’ve ever been to being able to build and maintain Atira, one piece at a time.
  • I am strong and have amazing endurance.

May you all find moments of understanding and clarity. May you all experience growth and make progress towards even your biggest of dreams. May you all find unconditional love in your life.

Be well.

Siva Hir Su.