Tag Archives: anger management

Giving In

I give up
Own me
Abuse me
You've already
Broken me
You can have
The broken
Bits
Unable to be
Mended
You just had
To win
At all costs
It's all
Just a game
Buying
Selling
Commodities are now
People
To you
We're all
Just pawns
To toy
With
Your toxicity
Permeating
Everything
You touch
Ruins
Of souls
Once beautiful
Flourishing
Now just
Dark masses
Futility and
Failure
To mend the
Self
Shame experienced
Not ours
Yours
Full of knowing
Regret
Of actions done
Of apologies
Unsaid
Of love
Not given
Never
Righting
Any
Wrongs
Inescapable
Atrocities
Levied upon us
Do what you will
Go ahead
Loom over me
Far superior
You made sure
I knew it
I give up
It never
Worked before
What you demand
It caused the
Damage
So deep
How am I
To know
You're superior
You're better
Than I
Perhaps that's
Why
It fails for us
We're incapable
Of your demands
So why try
I give up
Do what you will
Ours is already
Broken
And it's
All your fault
I give up


~Treasa Cailleach

Rainbows and smiles

Yesterday was my weekly day off. I had a list of things to do, but as is often the case with a family, my list did not go as planned. Families are rarely well oiled machines like jobs. It is what it is.

What I did manage to accomplish was my poster for kids to learn Abraham Hicks’ emotional scale.

My goal was to take these two found images:

Then add graphics for my kids to understand.

My first blush was smilies like on phones/tablets, they seem to be a major factor in communication these days and kids are supposedly born “cable ready” so to speak. My 6 year old navigates a tablet amazingly well for someone that can’t really read the language he speaks. So if I’m trying to help him, I pretty much have to utilize what he knows.

So I built smilies from scratch in CorelDraw. I added them to a 20×30 inch document, the desired size for printing. I made my own version of a rainbow mirrored tornado/vortex. Then I added all the words that are in the original emotional scale, and a couple extra simple ones my kids frequently use. I placed smilies and hearts and stars, but stopped short of adding a tombstone at the bottom of the negatives.

My first attempt at printing was met with disaster because Walgreens print software tells it to fill the page and eliminate any white space, which caused the top and bottom to be chopped off. I actually had intended to have the white space for more focus. But, since their software did that, I had to add a background for it to print properly. I chose bubbles to match the shape of the smiley faces.

An hour later I had a poster to hang on the wall to help teach my children. This is the final image.

If you’re wanting this to print you’ll get about a 6×8 that is clear and readable. If you want larger than that, reach out to me and I’ll be happy to supply your desired size at a small fee.

Anyway, it is now hung in the hallway between rooms so that my whole family can see it frequently.

I was happy I finally got to it, and accomplished a creative helpful tool for my kids to learn. It’s a quadruple accomplishment in my book. That puts me right at the top of that emotional scale 🤪🤩!

Then today, I worked and did clerical and front desk at the clinic. I was the ‘head cheeze’ on this day. It wasn’t too bad, I only got frustrated a couple of times when something wasn’t processing correctly. But I was constantly fighting off the negatives of that darn scale, on the invisible mental spectrum.

Some were definitely mine, related to my feelings about things in my 3D experience. Some felt external though, old familiar sensations in my body activating with them, telling me whom they might apply to.

Either way I’m pretty sure I climbed that emotional scale over a dozen times today, and only really lost twice. Once just before leaving work, I was sitting quietly waiting, and the emotions hit so hard I started crying and tossed my mask at the computer. The other was after getting home. I’ve managed to climb back up from both, which is good.

In-between, after climbing up from mask-toss, I was greeted by rainbows on my way home. They were beautiful. I managed to get pictures, pulling over 3 times to snap phone shots.

I wanted to share, because I acknowledged that I love the sun, and I love rainbows, and you can’t have rainbows without both the sun and the rain. There will always be a little of something you don’t love, even when it’s mostly something you do love.

So here are my beautiful rainbow pictures:

I hope you have an easy time climbing the emotional scale. May you make peace with the undesired, especially when something desired is your object of attention. May you find quadruple accomplishments. May you enjoy your days mostly and find emotional stability when you need it most. May you know that God loves and supports you in everything that you do.

Om Shanti

Frigid Triggers

So I mentioned that I had been climbing out of trigger holes this week. I’m going to talk about that a little more.

One moment just after my birthday, I had a bit of jealousy sneak up on me. I quickly acknowledged that was going on and talked myself out of it. I acknowledged that jealousy is based on the belief that someone has something that you want and don’t have, but also some level of feeling neglected. I pointed out to myself that neither case was actually true. If the shoe was on the other foot, as in viewing myself from an outside perspective, I had that which was causing the jealousy, and I am far from being neglected. It simply wasn’t actually true, so that was an easy trigger to solve.

My other major trigger this week, and one that was reoccurring every single day, was simply the bitter cold and how it was affecting my life. One element of that was the whole ‘it’s the week of my birthday and the weather straight up sucked’. The other element was that it began directly affecting my daily work experience.

See, the clinic has two halves on two different heating systems. My office is in the half that has what is commonly referred to as a mini-split. Simply put, it has a unit outside, and then wall mounted units to accomodate both heating and air conditioning without the need for ductwork or other hazards of central heat/AC. They are only slightly less costly than a centralized system, but they are supposed to be more energy efficient. The biggest problem that I have noticed with the older unit governing my office, is that it no longer handles temperature extremems. It has gone down 3 times in the last two years, all during extreme temperatures- once due to heat in excess of 100°F, and twice due to temps below 15°F. This week was the second round of below 15°. The units work decent when they are only attempting to bridge a gap of 30 or 40 degrees, but once the range exceeds that, problems arise. This time it was the exterior lines froze preventing any function.

That treanslated into trying to function solely on space heaters. Generally not a huge concern, except that the 3 office rooms were wired on one 20 AMP circut. Which means that we could only power 2 space heaters on full, or if I needed table heat on, I had to turn space heaters to low. It was frustrating to say the least. So, it meant coming into a frigid space and doing my best to warm it by the time people needed to be disrobing for their massage. We blew the breaker well over a dozen times this week, just trying to get 2 of the 3 rooms to a decent temperature. Finally, the acupuncturists decided to temporarily relocate, so I was the only one attempting to get a room to normal temperatures. I still managed to blow the breaker 3 more times trying to warm the room up as quickly as possible.

It was frustrating, and at times infuriating. I kept climbing up from negativitiy, and something would set me off again. At one point the one acupuncturist asked me how I was doing, and I lost it on her, spending several minutes ranting about the whole situation.

I’m mostly (referencing generalities) still in my detached space, and because of that I keep repeating “Not my monkeys, not my circus”, but it is directly affecting me and that is why it keeps triggering a negative loop. I can’t stand weather this cold, and especially when I get bone chillingly cold myself.

In my perfect world I would be that person that takes an extended vacation when the weather turns crappy like this. I would love to have a birthday in Cancun or Hawaii, but alas it is not currently possible.

It also doesn’t help that no one seemes to care about the problem in a long-term solution sort of way. The chiropractors knew I was upset and began turning on space heaters before I arrived, but there was no motion towards a real fix. I pointed out to the acupuncturist that this was the third time I was having to deal with this situation and I have yet to make my 2 year anniversary. I explained that even though heaters don’t go down all the time, that it is a possibility with any system, and whoever wired 3 offices on one 20 AMP breaker was dense. There should always be enough power for worst case scenario. Yet, there is barely enough amperage for normal function in 3 rooms.

For instance, I am a massage therapist, and I have 4 seperate devices that draw a good amount of power. My room alone could blow the breaker if I turned everything on. I know becasue I did when one of my space heaters was taken by the acupuncturist. At that point the whole building was struggling to maintain, and the office manager and chiropractor had taken space heaters for themselves, and so one of my 2 tiny ones went to the acupuncturist. My solution was to turn on my hot stone roaster, my hot towel cabbie, and the table heater. The other space heater was already running, and the lights were on. 30 seconds later the breaker tripped. So just my basic devices which I have utilized for years, tripped the breaker becasue they were all on at the same time.

There is no way that those three offices can handle all of the devices that could potentially run at the same time. I can not run my menagerie, and then have the acupuncturist try to use diathermy, or even a laptop being used on top of my regular stuff would be too much. It simply is no good for a lot of reasons.

Ultimately, not only does the mini-split need some serious TLC to try and get it more functional, but if I had a say, I would call an electrician and figure out the cheapest solution to get those three rooms better power in a permanent way.

There also should be stored space heaters and fans for situations like this. As it is, I brought in 2 of my personal space heaters and the one accupincturist had one of her personal units. That means if we hadn’t been on the ball, the whole office would have failed due to a lack of heat providing devices. It would not be any significant financial strain to buy a fan and space heater for each room, and all of the rooms could come up with the shred of space to store them when not in use.

Alas, it is not my circus. I have no financial investment in the building or business. I am simply a contractor trying to keep clients happy, so no one gives a flying eff about my opinions. So, on top of hating the cold, being upset over a frigid birthday, and then spending an entire work week battling the cold inside of my office, the lack of my opinion mattering was just the icing on the cake.

It took every ounce of my mental fortitude to keep pulling up and finding my happy this week, and today I was so exhausted from it that I really just wanted to stay in bed and not even go to work.

Yet I did.

I showed up 40 min early, and the chiropractor had already turned on the space heaters, so it wasn’t as frigid as previous days. The sun was shining, so I got a bit more sunlight than the previous several days. I even managed to get in a decent workout between clinic and my 2nd job. I’m holding steady, and hoping that they seriously figure out a long-term solution before the peak of summer heat kills the equipment again.

Regardless, it’s not my circus and I will always do my best to stay focused on my happy place. I will keep finding better feeling thoughts, and do my best to keep pulling up, even when triggers are plentiful and repetitive. Sometimes it just takes way more effort, and I’m somewhat wondering if I will ever see a good reason to keep reaching up so diligently. Hopefully that’s just the remnants of discouragement talking.

May you have many birthdays with beautiful perfect weather. May you find that finding your happy place is easy. May it be life affirming and easy to regain your balance and feel good. May you have plenty of rest and plenty of warmth. May you see the results of your energetic and thought work. May you know that God loves and supports you in all that you do, no matter what.

Om Shanti