Tag Archives: anger management

I feel icky.

I had to cut my last appointment short this afternoon and spent several hours growling and stewing.

The man was developmentally delayed and had nervous ticks, which I initially thought was something akin to turret’s syndrome.

He had no concerns of note and had come for a relaxing massage. I work at a chiropractic clinic, those words are not common in that environment, but not unheard of either. Some of my female clients came to me initially because of a problem, but when said problem resolved they were hooked and now keep coming back even without major complaints. So just because someone asks for a relaxing massage, my spidey sense doesn’t necessarily activate. Bonus this man was new to me, but not the clinic, as far as I was aware.

I proceeded to complete my session as requested, and most often I start men face down, this was no different.

I never used to do that, as in Iowa it wasn’t a problem- ever- to start men face up. But once in the KC area, another therapist had recommended it at one point for helping men to chill out. Apparently, men down here have more trouble controlling themselves and relaxing into therapeutic sessions. Don’t ask me why geography causes that, I have no idea, and bonus it ticks me off.

Anyway as I worked he kept adjusting himself. Once I had him turn over, still under the sheets, he began fidgeting excessively. I stopped several times until he would settle.

Then he did the show stopping act of touching himself. The first time I thought I’d made it up in my head and paused. Second time was obvious. I stopped again and looked at the clock, I was 20 min from end of session. I looked back to see his hands moving and was done.

I thought what if this man is so damn delayed that he genuinely doesn’t know what he’s doing is wrong. Where I would normally punish that act on my table, this time I didn’t. I finished working on his shoulders, dropped the table to normal height and walked out without saying a word.

As soon as I cleared the hallway I informed both the chiropractor and the front desk that he was not allowed to schedule any further massages due to touching himself in session. I also required full payment for his shortened session as punishment, saying he needs to learn that lesson.

Later I found out that his card bounced and will have to be sent to collections. Not only was I subjected to icky, I may not get paid for my time. I seriously wanted to hunt him down.

As it is, I’ve stewed over it for several hours and it’s caused me to want to change one of my art images hanging on my wall.

I can’t say my art piece had anything to do with it, but I have gone nearly 2 years without such vulgarity and the only thing that changed was I hung an image I did almost a decade ago.

The image was a commentary on creation. It shows the silohuette of a cell, sperm, and embryo over a watercolor resembling a star nebula. I was trying to make a statement that conception is only part of creation. You must follow through by nourishing the growing embryo to even hope to birth anything. A star is not born overnight, it takes aeons to go from a colorful gaseous cloud to what we know of as a star. I was conveying that it doesn’t matter what birth you are aiming for, they all take time, nourishment and patience.

I think it is a beautiful image with a beautiful message was why I hung it in the first place. I thought it deserved for others to see it and no longer hide in my portfolio. So I hung it last week.

Now this icky man.

So I’m going to take down my beautiful image and replace it with one fitting of a chiropractic office. I have a drawing a few years older even the is of a whitetail deer sacrum from the proximal view. I suppose it is the better image for the environment and will hopefully keep any further icky out of my office.

I don’t know that I have either image accessible to post here, so I’ll post them when I do the exchange.

May you never have icky throw up on you at work. May you know for certain that you did nothing to attract such icky moments. May your creations be truly appreciated and see the light of day more frequently. May you know that the true meaning of your work is known and appreciated always, regardless of whether it is artwork, healing, or anything else you do. May you know that God loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Punch a Monk

I told Nathan that’s what I want to do. I wouldn’t really, it’s just words to express my frustrations.

I’m not some monk sitting in robes in some mountain monastery all day for the rest of my life. In fact that sounds like a really great permanent vacation at this point.

No phone, no internet, people all busy taking care of their inner world, being served minimal extra healthy meals, getting perfect amounts of sleep regulated for the group as a whole. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that picture and the human experience.

In fact it’s the ideal.

And that’s why I want to punch them.

I’m supposed to try and fit monk ideals into:

Being the provider for a single income household, mom of 3 obstinate kids, wife to a kind but struggling husband, working 6 days a week, and trying to play catch-up for everything that failed when Nathan landed in the hospital again.

I pretty much told god, it may not actually be impossible, but it’s so damn close that the level of expectations is rediculous.

I want to punch Sadhguru, and every monk that ever made it sound easy. I want to punch them and scream at them to go and do it in my life. Go ahead, let’s switch roles for a couple of months, I’ll play monk in robes in quiet solitude and you can carry out all of my roles for a month. I dare you.

I’m supposed to be able to fix it all, manage it all. There’s supposed to be resources for all of it. But despite all of my well meaning efforts, all of my mantras and meditations, the resources simply aren’t there. Most of it is my direct responsibility, and my magic wand has run out of batteries long ago.

I had to stop the service that was taking some of the load off my shoulders. We’d hit a waiting for paperwork to process wall, and were told it could be 2 to 3 months before we got any answers. Bonus, everything else that they could have helped resolve would have taken dollars I didn’t have, at least right now. The chiropractors didn’t really have it in the budget to begin with, so I acknowledged the immense help it was, and willingly cut the cord.

I really need a real live personal assistant and about 20 grand in the bank to attempt to bring a monestary feel to my doorstep. Seeing as how that’s not happening today, or likely even this week, I keep reaching for the best I can in any given moment.

So, with all of that in mind, I am going to poke fun at Sadhguru’s quotes from this week. Who knows maybe he’ll read it and get a chuckle.

Seriously though, I have fit in some hammock time even with overcast weather. I have done meditations at night, and I’m savouring my beach time by looking at the pics and videos and letting my mind be back there. The To-Do-list is moving slowly to try and keep my shit together and keep myself from stressing so much. There is less stress, but it is not gone. I’m doing my level best with the situations and elements I have to work with and around. Perhaps one day I will find my path starting to get easier, but it’s been so long I’m really clinging hard to my hope of that.

May you find the humor when life fails. May you know that ideals are lofty goals and the rest of us are just responsible for reaching as high as we possibly can. May you see the good in your life and have enough time and resources to manage everything. May you know that you are supported and that the trickle can grow. May you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do, even when it is poking fun at monks and the negatives of your life.

Om Shanti

Giving In

I give up
Own me
Abuse me
You've already
Broken me
You can have
The broken
Bits
Unable to be
Mended
You just had
To win
At all costs
It's all
Just a game
Buying
Selling
Commodities are now
People
To you
We're all
Just pawns
To toy
With
Your toxicity
Permeating
Everything
You touch
Ruins
Of souls
Once beautiful
Flourishing
Now just
Dark masses
Futility and
Failure
To mend the
Self
Shame experienced
Not ours
Yours
Full of knowing
Regret
Of actions done
Of apologies
Unsaid
Of love
Not given
Never
Righting
Any
Wrongs
Inescapable
Atrocities
Levied upon us
Do what you will
Go ahead
Loom over me
Far superior
You made sure
I knew it
I give up
It never
Worked before
What you demand
It caused the
Damage
So deep
How am I
To know
You're superior
You're better
Than I
Perhaps that's
Why
It fails for us
We're incapable
Of your demands
So why try
I give up
Do what you will
Ours is already
Broken
And it's
All your fault
I give up


~Treasa Cailleach