Tag Archives: anticipation

Knowing.

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music. – George Carlin

https://bayart.org/george-carlin-quotes/

Thank you George, I’ve always thought you were funny, if a little crass at times.

It seems I’m dancing to music only I can hear, yet I have a knowing that at least a couple of others hear it too. I’m waiting patiently for them to step into that knowing.

This week has brought a lot to contemplate and do.

I returned to work and was flooded with messages many of which I didn’t understand or left me concerned.

I was also inundated with the news again. I have found myself wanting to rant about several things and then stopping myself knowing that it would be focusing on the wrong things.

All of it viewed as a whole leaves me with a knowing. I have recognized in hindsight some of my messages being merely markers to acknowledge I’m still focused on the same trajectory even if I have moments of doubt. Much like the highway signs that remind you which highway you’re on.

Because of that I’m seeing a little more easily the doubts and negative thoughts as being intrusions. They are intrusions from focusing too heavily on the energy which others are projecting, intrusions from Mass Hysteria and fears, intrusions from IT (Wrinkle in Time). I have been a bit more successful in reminding myself those are not mine and turning away from them. Practice, practice, practice.

I have also begun to notice my mirror messages.

I hear frequently, especially in my HAL notified videos, references to Divine Masculine as being your mirror. I can definitely see that, and it’s starting to help put 2 & 2 together for me. There are many things that if I view them from the mirror interpretation, then they make much more sense. This is especially true for a lot of my license plate messages I’ve referenced in the past. It also has begun to manifest when I drop cards: upright is me, reversed is about my masculines (Nathan included) Acknowledging that puts me more at ease. It helps me maintain a higher vibration now, especially more consistently.

I’ve also been able to weed through some things that generally speaking just are what they are. I take what I like and leave the rest.

My work at the moment is layered.

– I am noticing others in the public eye doing the same dance I am. I find relief in that and see the benefit of that path. For instance: the one female politician, when asked about opponents fumbles, simply redirected the interviewer to consult their campaign team and then went on to discuss things she’s working toward. … I like that perspective and it gives me hope that our government might pull up yet.

– I have begun to refocus my efforts into my art more, though I have yet to complete anything. I’ll keep you posted when I do.

-I have spent many hours searching through photographs of mountains looking for the ones in my dreams of Atira. So far, I’ve narrowed it to some of our West coast range father North, or mountains outside the United States. There are some pictures of the Rockies that look right, but my knowing that they are far from the ocean, makes me hesitate to latch onto them. I also want to talk to my mom about her desires. Things we discussed on our vacation make me wonder if she has the answer, or at least a good suggestion to look into.

– I’m also putting a fair amount of thought into home and work. I like helping people with massage but the chiropractic environment is exhausting which I already knew. I have yet to find my both solution for work. Home (a rental) is currently battling a basement mold issue that is somewhat affecting our health and though it could be much worse, I’d much rather have my new dome with excellent temperature and humidity controls. I know if I could move us there we’d all feel better within days.

– Otherwise, I am just doing my level best to focus only on the things I know in my heart and soul and wait patiently for everything to work itself out. I know that the next few months are going to continue to be very interesting for me, I’m just not sure of the details yet. I just know I feel the man, I feel Nathan more these days, and I know I’ve been promised good things being inbound, and that Angels are indeed keeping watch over me. I’m also doing my level best to prepare myself for the baby that God is nagging me about. I want this pregnancy to go easily and that takes a good deal of preventative action steps and getting as healthy as I can.

I have quite a bit on my plate, it seems more than ever, but the difference is this time I’m more confident and winning the battle against IT.

May you all have your confident winning moments.

I’ll leave you with a picture of one of the mirror readings I did for myself so you can see what I mean.

Excited… Let’s go now!?

This is a short post while I wait for my first client of the day.

I’m getting very excited for our trip coming up.

The last few arrangements have been settled, key and details given to house sitter, dog boarding set-up, kitten sitter confirmed. The older kitties are just going to stay home since they are low maintenance, the house sitter agreed to check their food and water supply and add litter to boxes as needed. Even our rental van is reserved and mail hold requested.

Literally we’re already ready to go except packing clothes and coolers. This coming week will be about getting the van picked up a day early so we can pack it up and get the kitten delivered to that sitter. The dog will be dropped off in Iowa when we pick my mom up, as the boarder there was several hundred dollars cheaper than the ones here in KC, and my mom had used them before so she confirmed they were decent.

It’s exciting but a bit nerve wracking. I am to that point where I begin to wonder if I forgot about anything or missed any possible contingencies.

I keep thinking about Maine and what my brother told me about the Great Pond and Acadia area this time of year. I have checked that everyone has swim suits that fit, even the baby is covered. I’ve got beach towels for everyone, and reminded my family that we only need a few days worth of clothes because there’s a washer dryer available in our “cabin”. My brother said they’re called cabins but really fully stocked and furnished smaller houses. That’s really cool to me as I’m so used to just getting the cheapest hotel available.

I’m excited for getting to go hiking for the first time in ages and so I’ve been thinking about clothing choices and I told Nathan we need to pack several slings instead of our giant stroller. I figured we could take the little umbrella stroller for our detour to Boston on the way home. (Anya begged us to do something fun and touristy not involving family at some point in the trip, so Boston was the concession since I hadn’t been there since I was a little kid.) Anyway, my goal is to accommodate the greatest number of needs with the least amount of stuff.

This is going to be so fun. I’ve been through most of the Northeast seaboard as a kid, so I’ve been roaving through memories of the area and the fun things my family did. I vaguely remember one trip where we went to the edge of Acadia by boat, but it was foggy so there was no good sights or exploring to be had on that trip. I’m so looking forward to this.

My mom did get in one jab at Nathan though. She reminded me that she had a senior pass to national parks and explained in a few years Nathan would be able to get his for $80, and how it was a ‘good until your dead pass’. Thanks Mom. I know my husband is older, but you don’t have to make it sound like he’s 90 or about to die. 😆

May you all have a week of anticipation ending in fun things to do, places to go, or people to meet.

Hogwash & fiddlesticks, I want to feel good.

So my last post was pure livid anger, and for good reason. But as I’m learning, that Shit is how I spent 20+ years stuck in a depression loop. So damn it, I want to feel good.

That means I must look for what I like, for things I want, for improvement, for solutions, and for love.

It’s hard to do that when you’re so pissed off.

I’m discovering it’s even hard when you’re simply in constant motion. I’m essentially back to work 7 days a week, and when I get confirmation on hours from the building I do activities for, I’ll probably have a total of 3 days off in September. I make it work, and make the best of it, but transition has been difficult for my mental puzzle again. The result has been that I was gifted 2 illnesses (1 digestive, 1 head cold) from my family, since my vibration has been all over the place. I swear I’ve been sick more since thanksgiving than I had been the previous 5 years, and the only thing that’s changed is my intense desire and efforts to produce more income and higher vibration.

It leaves me acknowledging that my negative lapses are manifesting fairly immediately, and being that they’re small and manageable is a fairly good sign. It means that my positive efforts are building steam, which I already knew from the increase in hours and income, but I suppose validation from both sides of the equation is a good thing, a helpful measure so to speak.

So, my 2 ended train is finally moving in the direction I want, albeit slowly. But if I have learned well enough, it means I just need to keep at it to get some good momentum going.

More practice; practice makes perfect.

That’s a sentiment I’ve proven to myself many times over, especially with music and art.

So, since I’m already tired, super draggy, and stuffy headed, having trouble focusing, I thought I better write since it forces me to focus.

This week (or 2?) started with good validations. At one point I had an epiphany (very personal about my childhood “imaginary” friend) I simply asked mentally that if my thoughts were accurate to show me a green & purple dragon (thinking of the puff the magic dragon song). The next day at work there was a bouquet of green and purple flowers that were placed such as to remind me of a scaly dragon head. They were in a residents’ room and she was reading a “song of Solomon” about where someone’s love had gone. I knew it was my validation instantly and nearly cried telling her she was my message from god. Yet since that day I’ve seen nearly a dozen more green and purple dragons.

One of the last ones: I was drawn to stop at a favorite store of mine, but didn’t know why, seeing as I didn’t have any extra cash available for spending fun. While there I thanked the owner for support she gave years ago when Nathan was ill, she said she needed that, and I knew that was part of my visit, but something else was nagging me. I browsed a bit and ultimately discovered my message:

A Shiva statue priced with my birth year, and my dragon request on a singular box of incense. Next to 2 other incense boxes that were one of a kind. I know because it was such an intense set that I looked through the whole wall of incense to see if someone had just misplaced them. No, no matches were to be found, they were the last ones available.

I simply could not resist and bought the incense, knowing I’ll ultimately have to go back for the statue at some point soon. Resistance is futile. You don’t say no to the universe, but it’ll have to wait until payday.

The point of all of this is, I’m definitely getting messages, and they all feel really good. I like that. I love being validated and feeling supported. My only hiccup is in understanding. As in, I only asked for one dragon, and the first was good enough for me. So why then, give me a dozen more, one of which was the exact thought I had- a green & purple- puff the magic dragon?

Does the quantity and repetition equal someone screaming “yes!” from the other side? And if so, I’d think it would start manifesting, like now. I’m going to tell myself that’s the case and see how things unfold.

I have been feeling intense anticipation for some while now, but have difficulty maintaining focus on just that. It makes me all jittery, and ultimately I end up getting distracted by daily interactions. Yet, I suppose that’s the practice makes perfect element.

So, I think about what I want, and possible ways it could happen, and I do my best to make sense of other messages I see. Like I still want to end up in Colorado with a big dome full of people that love me enough to commit to being family. I know who I’d like that to include, but right now I still don’t have any idea how, and I’m doing my best to ignore roadblocks and deadlines in the way of that. I keep reminding myself that the divine can ultimately solve everything in proper timing, even if 60 days seems like a tight squeeze to me, and there’s probably a dozen options I can’t even fathom.

I think of all the other close calls I’ve had and how everything always worked out. God has my back and always keeps me safe. Usually I’m the one that gets in my own way of that, and this time I intend to be a cooperative element helping things flow smoothly.

To that end I even let myself go down a small ego-trip road with how lucky I am to have multiple people that care about me. People that care and help more than my own blood realitives (exception being my parents). It helps me see my good. I thought about my strengths and good qualities, and admitted that even my weaknesses could be worse. I appreciated myself a bit and acknowledged there’s a reason others care. I like knowing that, it helps me see how to love myself. I am a good person and I will get to do great things for this world yet. Of that I’m certain. I know that I must hang in and keep practicing this, and even if I have a few more muggle based action steps to enable myself to practice allowing, at some point soon I will get good at manifesting exactly what I want.

When I do- watch out, because I could end up being the next Oprah/Ellen. Not saying I want to be on TV, I really don’t, I just like how they inspire others and help so many people. Yeah, I want that part, and can totally skip the being on TV.

So this ended up being rambly and all over the place, probably due to that being sick difficulty focusing thing. I apologize for that, but I’m glad you hung in there with me. If I can climb out of decades of depression, and overcome livid anger in a few days, you can too. May we all make a better world by starting with ourselves. A single drop creates ripples in the whole lake.

“You can’t give up on your dreams.” -Abraham

I thought I had, until an online stranger woke them up in me, and I simply can’t forget now.

NOW Abraham’s words echo in my brain repeatedly.

The last 2 and a half years has been a strange journey, thinking I was headed one way, but now feeling like it was all a giant cosmic ruse to create an about-face in my life.

My priorities have changed, my choices have begun to reflect that. I question everything, I’m constantly analyzing my thoughts and motives, even my interactions with others are being picked apart by my psyche.

I’m now doubting my doubts, questioning how I ever let myself get to the place of giving up on everything…. How did I end up in survival mode, struggling to get by and keep my little family intact? I’m not sure that I have answers, but the path has led me to realize how insanely disconnected I’d become, and so unintentionally in the process.

I love my husband, and my family, and they were always supposed to be part of my dreams. I believe they still are, but I’d lost sight of the truly important parts of those dreams. Now I’m not sure if I can make up for the lapses and get us all back on track.

For now I’m doing my best to get myself back on track. …

After baby, I’ve done better with health concerns than after Ian. Except for significant hair loss, and a couple of bad weeks the first postpartum month, I’m really doing quite well compared to after Ian.

Milk supply is still a struggle, but I’ve tackled it with every possible helpful tool. I’m literally doing the best I can, and I’ve somewhat come to terms with the realization that my family’s genetics is probably the reason that formula was ever developed. In fact I’m rather baffled at how my family even passed thru the ages until formula even existed. I’m utilizing multiple modern tools that didn’t exist 40 years ago, let alone before modern medicine and manufacturing. I guess we got through somehow, most likely with some very malnourished babies (at least until teeth emerged).

With that being said, not only is baby walking, but she’s teething in a big way, and already showing great interest in food. I’ve cautiously given her tiny nibbles and mushy foods to taste and it’s only encouraged her. I suspect she’s going to be ready to eat consistently before I am ready to be feeding her.

So, that in addition to everything else, I continually work on finding thought alignment in being the best mom I can be. Diligently working on being helpful with regards to assisting baby in finding her most preferred choices. Only source knows how well I’m doing.

So then I work on finding my alignment even more. Give, take, back and forth.

I’m back to work, knowing it helps me mentally with variety and also with feeling more secure financially. However, I know that I still struggle with getting overwhelmed and wanting to see similar support in my family. A desire to share the burden is essentially at the heart of it all. More alignment to find, attempts to see the support from the divine and let go of others needing to fill that role. It’s a hard one.

Yet I do find gratitude that I have ample work to be had. Every time I seek more hours, there is plenty to be found. My reputation proceeds me, and I always have choices. People trust me and know I will do a job well done. It is merely about how much can I handle and what I’m willing to take on. For now it seems I’m back to 10 to 12 hour days, 4 days a week, with a smattering of work the other 3. It’s OK for the moment.

I’d rather have financial flow that doesn’t take my direct labor, but some financial flow is better than none. So since I know my work will produce money, but have difficulty believing it can come other ways, I’ll stick to doing what I know works for the moment and work on believing the alternate as I manually produce some.

Finally, is that stranger that stirred all this up. I’ve not been able to forget about him, but I’ve come to a comfortable point of knowing that it’s out of my hands. It’s up to him and god as to whether it ever amounts to more or not. So, essentially, I occasionally send a singular message to acknowledge he’s on my mind- just in case he cares, but I’ve kept it as passive as I am able. I want him to know I do still care, but I’m doing my best to keep it as open and free of expectations as possible. I would love to hear from him again, but I’m feeling like he’s made a particular set of decisions that discourages it from his perspective. It seems my paradigm was just too much to mesh with his. We were not in mutuality on enough concepts to belong together.

It’s just that to this day, I don’t understand why the divine would show me things, let me feel things, to have it not manifest anything. I’ve never, ever, had that happen. Every time I’ve ever been shown things, they’ve come to pass. A few of them took a really long time (2nd-baby visions were nearly a decade ago, & visions about Nathan took nearly 3 years to manifest fully). So, then my brain wants to tell me this is another really long time situation, but shortly after that the damn DOUBT over being cut off sneaks in. I’ve yet to figure out a way around that one. It’s hard to convince yourself someone is going to be in your life when they refuse to respond to any messages. So for now I’m just giving into the possibility that I have no real clue. I could have been wrong, my visions could be a completely different person, and they could have merely been symbolic. There’s a first time for everything, and I know what I felt was validation that I was getting AVI from god, but it doesn’t mean I translated it correctly. I relinquish that eventually, maybe years from now, maybe after I’m dead, I’ll have a full understanding. For now I wait, as patiently as possible, accepting that I’ve got enough for now, and I’m eager for more good things to come in proper time.

Be well, may you find your doubtless thoughts and good manifestations. May we all be eager for more good in all of our lives.

Moving faster…

So, I’m now past the safe home delivery point. I’m officially at 38 weeks, and crunch time is on. I literally could safely give birth any day.

Though I have a bed, and we can still utilize the original backup plan for my water birth, we’re really hoping that our more permanent bedroom is situated by birth, and thus a ready comfy birth suit available.

To that end, we’ve been working like mad to carry out the plans to adjust Miss Hannah’s basement & get full move in ready. I have to say I’m utterly grateful for their offer, and especially for their help. Her and her boys have done so much hands on work, that we couldn’t have accomplished otherwise, especially with me working so many long hours.

Things are moving so much faster and more smoothly than they have for the last 2 years. There have still been glitches, but much more minor, and easier to overcome (less time consuming as well).

Bonus, so far most of the supplies have been things that were originally intended for the trailer remodel, so there’s been little expense so far (mostly paint and carpet squares). This has been an excellent element because we’ve again dumped about a thousand dollars on vehicles repairs.

I’m so over driving long distances all the time.

Since we’ve had such spectacular progress I thought I’d share some images and descriptions.

——————–

Hannah & her boys emptied the space to be our bedroom and put a coat of concrete sealing paint on.

Nathan painted the ceiling and Hannah’s boys and Anya did touch-ups where the sprayer missed. The fluorescent light fixture will get swapped out with one’s I’d intended for the trailer.

Nathan ready for spraying the ceiling:

Before touch-ups:

Hannah & kids helped me glue the bottom studs for the new wall. We had to hold them in place long enough for the glue to grab, then weighted them to sit for 24 hours to dry fully.

The salvage flooring went down. Team effort by all except me. Hannah puttied cracks since it didn’t go back as nicely as new flooring would have.

Nathan & Anya:

Teens helping:

Hannah puttying:

Flooring nearing completion, it was time to build the wall so that trim could soon be installed to finish the floor.

I started the studs last night, and Nathan added to them today based on my markings. The last few studs I’ll have to complete after work tomorrow (mainly because I know where they’re needed to place panels- a live action tetris game).

I feel fairly ridiculous looking in those pictures, geesh….

This is the wall after Nathan’s additions today.

The area below, with all the belongings piled up, will eventually be organized into a family room type area with art space & exercise stuff behind (dark far corners of the picture).

Once the studs are up, paneling will go up fast. I’m thinking we could almost get it done on Tuesday when I’m off. The catch is that I need to leave panels off one side of the wall to run new electrical sockets in it, & accommodate moving the wall switch for the bedroom light fixture. However, as long as the bedroom side is paneled & trimmed, we can assemble our bedroom furniture. It’s 13×15 feet, & tentatively I think we’ll fit our bed, baby crib, & Ian’s bed, and most supplemental furniture (dressers/closets). However, anything that doesn’t fit will be in the little kids room.

Furniture is already available, but piled other places until the room is ready. I’ll have a truly new bed for the first time in years, & this is the first time everyone will all have their own actual dressers in years, all-be-it used (before we shared and supplemented with Rubbermaid drawers). Now we’ve found dressers to accommodate everyone, & the baby dresser that was given to us doubles as a changing table.

Whew.

Finally, we will be to finish the little kids room and what will be my tub & storage room.

For the kids room I literally just need to adjust wall sockets, updating 2 of them to 3-prong (raising them higher out of toddler reach in the process), then hang paneling, trim everything out, & lay carpet squares.

This is the room before:

& yes the wall paneling will hide the furnace.

My tub-room/storage-closet, really just needs fully painted, the one wall paneled, & curtains hung in front of the shelving (on the right in this picture), water-heater (foreground), and furnace (far left of water-heater). The entrance to the room is by the furnace & it’s a small space (about 8×8), so this is unfortunately the best picture of the whole room.

The teen’s already started the painting, getting most of the two walls and shelves done. Little Ian helped some too.

He apparently loved feeling like he was helping.

The 2 panels for that one wall will go up quick and easy, and the floor needs a coat of the sealing paint & the room will be ready for curtains & tub. It will be a cozy quiet space for me to relax occasionally.

This is 2 shots of the basement bathroom. I adjusted existing shelves to create more storage, hanging the one set on the wall with hooks below for towels. I also caulked the tub. It does still need the sink glued in place (a forgotten step/oops by the original installer), & the toilet needs basic maintenance.

I’ll probably paint the board the hooks were hung with, but it’s a low priority, left for last or a teen needing something to do.

I’m very excited, because when all is said and done we’ll have nearly twice the living space we’ve had for the last 2 years, & that’s with sharing a kitchen and living room with another family. We’ll also have running water, and that is just amazingly awesome to me. Little Ian has already enjoyed a few baths with Miss Hannah’s help and he’s loving being able to take them again. I don’t blame him, I missed them too!

So, all that to say we’re headed to another step of improvement being completed. Another rung on the journey of life. *sigh* This is good. All is well.