Tag Archives: anything can happen

Lessons of unconditional

I woke this morning, having gotten to sleep in a little, and found my husband’s hand. I held his hand, still sleeping heavily he didn’t notice tears start to fall. They were tears of mixed emotions, both happy and sad.

I love my husband very much, and his greatest failure was that he loved deeply and had his heart hurt. The tears were because I was feeling the love for him and wanting to heal the hurts we both carry.

He loved several times over, and each one ended with him being in sorrow, because relationships ended in unpleasant ways. His already hurt heart, became broken when the mother of his first child left him and took their baby. The ensuing divorce and years of traveling just to see his little girl turned heartbreak into a damaged vessel. His physical heart bore the weight of the trauma in now physical ways.

When we married I tired to help him find healing, but western medicine and “disability” only seemed to make matters worse, especially financially. Yet they did keep him alive to keep trying and maybe find healing. I had hoped when his ex passed away from cancer, that full custody would help heal his wounds. It seemed to help, but his heart turned to focus on his inability to support.

Subsequent children were similar. Reasons to love and live, but more reasons to doubt himself and his abilities and role.

Now we both are seeing our own flaws and doing our best to heal internal emotional wounds. We have hope. God seems to be trying to guide us to real healing. We keep seeing how we are hindering ourselves and allowing ourselves to continue to carry hurts. Because of inspired interactions, following the rabbit hole, we are gaining understanding.

For me, I see his journey and its connection to my health concerns. I know they are linked, even more than appears on the surface. I know that I feel like I let him down further: I bore children for him out of love, and even though I didn’t leave; each pregnancy broke me emotionally, taxed my system too much, and caused similar traumas. Additionally, I want to love like he has, but I’m afraid of getting hurt. I want to experience polyamory in it’s fullness, but I’m afraid that I will lose sight of the unconditional aspect and allow myself further hurts. Our previous failed relationships have already hurt enough, I’m afraid to really allow what I want to arrive. I let doubt and fear and frustration over my own failures cloud the path to better. The fears obscure my solutions.

It is layers upon layers and I unravel one layer to have another appear. Ultimately I just want that full healing solution for us both.

I know part of that is I need to SEE us both healed.

I want to see him like when he was younger. Virile, strong, slender, passionate and healthy in many ways. He worked hard and did his best, but still had fun. That was the man I fell for, the one before the heartache, before his wife and girlfriend left.

At the same time I want to see myself as I’ve never been. Healthy, completely well, slender and strong. I want my skin to shrink, especially where I’ve lost weight, and be just like the firm beautiful skin that I have on my arms and back. The thoughts of those elements feels good, but I’m having trouble seeing it as a whole me.

I explained to Nathan and another friend, that I have two distinctly different mental images. In my mind I see the fat woman I have been for so long, since I was about 13. Then there is that mental image of Shiva. Slender, strong, but most definitely a man. That divine image/energy has helped me through many difficulties and helped me be strong when I thought I couldn’t. It helped me support a family on my own, and find masculine energy when it was needed. Yet it isn’t the slender woman I want to be. So I have this strange dichotomy. Two drastically different images, one doesn’t match my gender and the other doesn’t match my very slowly shrinking body.

Pile on top of that a sense I’ve had for decades that the real me is trapped inside this heavy body. I sometimes have a sense of tunnel vision like wearing a huge stuffed costum.

How does one see their loved one in the best light when there is a decade of less than desired memories? How does one see oneself as a slender very healthy looking woman when there are 3 decades of the opposite and two drastically different mental images?

I know it is a lesson of unconditional. Abraham has been doing their best to guide me and remind me frequently. I know I feel my vortex often and I want to allow the things I know are there. Again I find myself in the catch of not being a monk, someone with nothing but time to meditate.

I know there are loving partners in my vortex. I know at least one or two people of my previous energetic connections are likely to circle back around, either as their original selves or a God given substitute. I know that it is possible for both Nathan and I to find our ideal wholely healed selves. I know it is possible for us both to look and feel good. I know that we can have our both moments and all the things we desire.

It is my responsibility to find my unconditional loving self more frequently and find a way to SEE all of it. That alone is what is needed to allow all of my desires. I know I have done it before, and I know I can do it with this too. It may just take more practice on these subjects. I’m willing to give it my best, and I hope the divine will continue to help me reach for these things. I do look forward to figuring it out and seeing the manifestations match my thought forms. Hopefully I will master these elements more quickly than previously manifested aspects.

May you find a way to your unconditional self. May you love your potential and your already manifested progress. May you find a way to SEE what has previously been difficult. May you know you are in the right track. May you have the ability to focus only on the positives. May you enjoy life more than not. May you sense your vortex mostly and be unbothered by “reality”. My you understand bending reality and see there is no spoon. May you know God is doing their best to help you with all of it.

Siva Hir Su

What does it mean?

For two days I’ve had Ghost movie clips playing in my head. The scene where Sam annoys the psychic (Whoopie Goldberg). The scene where he touches her at the end and she feels it (that one always makes me cry, and even the memory of the movie clips did). Even this clip has come up in my memory.

“Ghost (3/10) Movie CLIP – Still Feel You (1990)

Then this morning I got a drops notification with a ghost emoji and a phrase about pretty pictures to check out. That could totally be HAL/AI manipulating data based on vocal conversations and related topics when I’m in WordPress or what not. But it could also be about the other.

Who is my GHOST? I still suspect someone knows and isn’t telling.

I also got this song today:

My answer was going to be a text reply to the last known contact, but felt it was futility. I just want the truth, the whole truth. What I’ve felt, what I’ve misunderstood and misinterpreted, what the truth was of the known lies. I most often feel like it’s all some great digital hoax played on me, and that thought just pisses me off. I know I got several somethings, about specific people, very strongly. I just want to know what that was, and why.

It must mean something to still be bouncing in my brain half a decade later.

May you know and understand your messages. May you interpret things accurately. May you feel loved and supported. May you know your efforts are not futile. May you have a positive impact and receive proper helpful validation of your connections.

Siva Hir Su

Throuple or Quadouple?

The lyrics above, I took a screenshot of: Alan Walker’s “Faded”, has been a reoccurring song reminder of my SJ. I do often wonder if that exchange is my own personal Atlantis, and still hope it’s not.

Regardless of that reminder appearing in my day, I had originally set out to write today to discuss a new, but not really new to me, concept.

I was introduced to the word-invention: Throuple.

I got very excited because the person that explained it was a woman I’m attracted to. I was psyched that she knew of polyamory topics enough to introduce a new word to my vocabulary.

So, the word itself I’d never heard before, yet the concept is one Nathan and I have discussed many times over. Essentially, based upon my new search, it’s a variation of the family of 3 concept, started by a somewhat famous/infamous triad of two men and one woman.

Once upon a time “ménage à trois” was the French phrase that many English speaking people used to describe a man with 2 women. Literally the French phrase can mean any family of three, even 2 parents and a child. However for whatever reason it often was innuendo for a triad of adults, usually 1 man and 2 women, being intimate.

Nathan and I were labeled unicorn hunters when we intended to seek that out. After many failures, we decided to redefine our acceptable arrangements and open ourselves to more options.

Fast forward a decade and I’m sitting having a conversation with a very attractive potential mate. She proceeded to describe a Throuple as really any 3 or 4 adults, but her ideal was one or two women and two men because women are more complex than many men. We connected intensely in that conversation.

I explained to her about having been labeled unicorn hunters, and that we opened ourselves up to more options. So, even though I’d never heard the word, we had discussed for many hours over many years, our preferences and okay concessions.

I agreed with this person on most everything and a few of her points made Nathan think more deeply. My current ideal is flexible in quantity, hence creating Quadouple, even quincouple (don’t want to get it confused with the babies’ quintuple). However, I do agree with women being complex enough to need more people to meet more complex needs. Plus there is always benefit to multiples in creating flexibility. The 4 or 5 concept can be subdivided multiple ways, and in varying combinations to create a seemingly unlimited way to experience each other. {A+B+C and D+E, or A+D and B+E with C being alone, and so on.} You get the idea, lots of ways to be together or separate as each individual prefers at any given moment, and it’s not restricted to intimacy, that can even been in mundane interactions.

So yes, I was very excited to have new vocabulary for existing concepts in our experience. I haven’t been able to get that conversation out of my head, and it’s been 3 days since our Valentine’s Day date. Perhaps this is a new leaf enabling more moving forward. I’m hesitant but excited.

Bonus, the date was at a Mexican restaurant that pushed literally every allergy button while getting drunk, but I took extra allergy meds, and came through the experience in relatively good condition. I did have a fair hangover with significant inflammation, but was able to manage the effects with Advil and more allergy medicine and a good amount of detox tea. I was a bit sore in joints the following day, but managed to stay out of the hole I used to fall into.

Beyond our exciting V-Day date, I had a half day off for my family to honor me with a small pleasant birthday celebration, and spent the rest of my weekend unpacking boxes that had been in storage for years. It enabled even more beautification of our new home. It was a good few days, and I look forward to more and more enjoyable days like that.

May you all find good reminders of your hopes and connections. May you find reasons to be excited moving forward. May you find exciting validation of your goals and preferences. May you find people you are attracted to, and whom are attracted to you as well- reciprocation. May you have good dates, fun holiday cerebrating, enjoyable birthdays, and good times with family. May you feel attractive, accepted, loved, and supported. May you fall in love more than out of it. May you know God is helping and guiding you. May you feel confident in everything working out for the best. May it all always be okay.

Siva Hir Su