Tag Archives: appreciate

How do you choose?

I’m mulling over my decisions this week, somewhat agonizing over my choices.

The one that started it was my decision to deal with a dead tree and insects threatening my home. I could have not done that, and gotten Nathan and I both, the IV treatments. But doing the tree means one of us has to sit and wait longer. I chose myself to wait.

My reasoning was complex. First, I really value my own health, and really, really want to heal all the way. If you don’t have your health, then you don’t have much. Plus, the rule used in airline safety definitely applies elsewhere: “Take care of yourself first, so you can stay alive to help others/children.” It’s super important to be able to stay alive and be helpful to others, it’s our duty in living all of life in it’s entirety, not just for emergencies. It is how we give love back to the divine.

Yet at the same time, I know I have worked like crazy on my health. I may not have healed fully, but I have shown some improvement. My face/skin is consistently clear, I have fewer allergy symptoms across the board, and my body is fitting well in smaller clothes now. It may not be congratulations worthy, but my improvement tells me that I am already headed towards healing, and waiting longer for a treatment isn’t going to kill me. It’s merely annoying and frustrating.

I’m more upset that I can’t manage the whole family being treated all at once. I’m concerned that if I only do part of the family, then there is risk of reinfection/repopulating the virus(es). I may get one or two of us better and it not last long enough to get the rest of us better. In which case treatment was a waste of money, which is still unfortunately scarce in my world- I just wish money were more abundant for me/us.

But my home is also really, really important. It keeps, not just me safe, it keeps a whole family of 5 people safe. It is the refuge for my husband and kids. It keeps all our pets safe too. It is where we share meals and entertainment and LOVE. I have worked so damn hard just to get a truly safe home, that the idea of anything harming that, feels like a personal attack. I know it’s not, but I simply am not okay with going backwards because I didn’t pay for a tree to get cut down.

So I definitely leaned towards tree first and then maybe a treatment.

Yet, then I was literally on the fence about whether or not to treat Nathan or sit on what was left until there was more to add to it. I really would prefer to do the whole family at once, it’s safer and more reliable that way. We would be more likely to have long-term positive results for all of us.

Besides, there is no one of us that is more deserving than another. We are all doing our best. I was infected as a child, I was just being a kid, I never deserved the damage it did, or the decades of heartache, misdiagnosis, and problems. And I was already doing my best to get better when my kids caught it. They had no say, no decision in that, they didn’t deserve it any more than I did. And Nathan, I may have given it to him not long after I met him, regardless he definitely has it now, and I didn’t want to give him anything bad. I love him and have since I met him. I want good things for him, and have spent 11 years doing my best to help him get healthier too. We’ve done everything that came our way, we’ve changed diets and exercised and taken gaggles of supplements, vitamins and minerals. We’ve even gradually gotten better at managing stress in our lives and meditating. None of us deserves more than another, and none of us deserved to catch the damn virus. But, Nathan is not doing well, he is the farthest from health. The rest of us have a fighting chance all on our own, and he’s just trying not to drown already.

I really am worried about him, and I know worry doesn’t help, so I’m doing my best not to think about it. It’s just so damn difficult when, you are told that the only person in your adult life to show true unconditional love, is doing worse health-wise, and it is likely because of a virus or two that you gave them.

I caught Epstein-Barr as a kid, but I caught mystery-virus (aka covid) at work. I brought them both to my family, and I was just trying to be a good girl and do what I was supposed to do. I was trying to help them by doing my job to pay bills, by being a good mom and wife. I just wanted to take care of my family and doing it alone was really hard. I don’t know how to live with that, and I don’t know how to fix it other than try the damned iv treatment.

So, Nathan is going to get treated first to hopefully fix his journey as much as possible and maybe pull him out of the nosedive. The rest of us will happen when it happens, and I’ll keep doing what I’m doing to glean even baby steps of progress for the rest of us.

I just don’t know how to make anything else happen. This I can do. I had really hoped god would help, but after 11 years of doing my best, and to get told the things I heard the last two weeks, it’s pretty obvious it’s not likely.

I’m grateful for the clinic and the help and support I have gotten there and from all my co-staff. It is helping me keep my shreds of sanity. I am grateful that I can work with quiet stillness to help me focus on positives.

I’m grateful that I know how to reach for better and reach for solutions. I’m grateful for my meditation time. I am grateful that I have solved vast portions of my puzzle and that I at least have a worthy goal.

I wish I could do both the tree and all of us getting treatment. I wish the damned viruses hadn’t even affected us to begin with, or that they barely touched us. I wish we were all healthy again and the tree was already solved. I wish I had the loving supportive poly/extended family I have long desired. I wish my life and my efforts mattered to God. I wish my prayers mattered. I wish that I was good enough…

I keep trying and I’ll keep pulling up. “I’m not dead yet!” -Monty Python

There’s always a next step, there’s always something else to do or be done. There’s always the next best possibility, the next best thing. Maybe cannabis-based products will be that answer when I finally have legal access to them, they have healed seizures for little kids, what’s virus damage compared to that?!

There are other topics that came to mind when I chose to write this post (poly-family, my sexuality, desires for love/lovers, etc.), but I think you get the idea with just this one moment.

I seldom glaze over anything, and nearly always over-think everything, wanting the best outcome possible. My heart is often aching to be able to solve a both situation, because I rarely am 100% comfortable with my choice. If I could rewrite my worldview, I would eliminate scarcity and replace it with genuine abundance in all areas. That is usually the mechanism behind my agony and feeling like I must choose something other than both. I want both more often.

May you see the mechanisms hindering your progress. May you understand that there are always reasons for wanting both. May you understand that if you want both it is because both genuinely have meaning for you, sometimes even more than you realize. May you find ways to accommodate both no matter what the situation. May you release worry and find ways to reach for better. May you know you are loved and supported, and God is trying to help, but we’re the ones in our own way. May you see evidence of that love and support all around you.

Om Shanti

Cover photo is from our walk yesterday evening. Below you’ll find pictures from my walk at lunch today, and last night.

Rainbows and smiles

Yesterday was my weekly day off. I had a list of things to do, but as is often the case with a family, my list did not go as planned. Families are rarely well oiled machines like jobs. It is what it is.

What I did manage to accomplish was my poster for kids to learn Abraham Hicks’ emotional scale.

My goal was to take these two found images:

Then add graphics for my kids to understand.

My first blush was smilies like on phones/tablets, they seem to be a major factor in communication these days and kids are supposedly born “cable ready” so to speak. My 6 year old navigates a tablet amazingly well for someone that can’t really read the language he speaks. So if I’m trying to help him, I pretty much have to utilize what he knows.

So I built smilies from scratch in CorelDraw. I added them to a 20×30 inch document, the desired size for printing. I made my own version of a rainbow mirrored tornado/vortex. Then I added all the words that are in the original emotional scale, and a couple extra simple ones my kids frequently use. I placed smilies and hearts and stars, but stopped short of adding a tombstone at the bottom of the negatives.

My first attempt at printing was met with disaster because Walgreens print software tells it to fill the page and eliminate any white space, which caused the top and bottom to be chopped off. I actually had intended to have the white space for more focus. But, since their software did that, I had to add a background for it to print properly. I chose bubbles to match the shape of the smiley faces.

An hour later I had a poster to hang on the wall to help teach my children. This is the final image.

If you’re wanting this to print you’ll get about a 6×8 that is clear and readable. If you want larger than that, reach out to me and I’ll be happy to supply your desired size at a small fee.

Anyway, it is now hung in the hallway between rooms so that my whole family can see it frequently.

I was happy I finally got to it, and accomplished a creative helpful tool for my kids to learn. It’s a quadruple accomplishment in my book. That puts me right at the top of that emotional scale 🤪🤩!

Then today, I worked and did clerical and front desk at the clinic. I was the ‘head cheeze’ on this day. It wasn’t too bad, I only got frustrated a couple of times when something wasn’t processing correctly. But I was constantly fighting off the negatives of that darn scale, on the invisible mental spectrum.

Some were definitely mine, related to my feelings about things in my 3D experience. Some felt external though, old familiar sensations in my body activating with them, telling me whom they might apply to.

Either way I’m pretty sure I climbed that emotional scale over a dozen times today, and only really lost twice. Once just before leaving work, I was sitting quietly waiting, and the emotions hit so hard I started crying and tossed my mask at the computer. The other was after getting home. I’ve managed to climb back up from both, which is good.

In-between, after climbing up from mask-toss, I was greeted by rainbows on my way home. They were beautiful. I managed to get pictures, pulling over 3 times to snap phone shots.

I wanted to share, because I acknowledged that I love the sun, and I love rainbows, and you can’t have rainbows without both the sun and the rain. There will always be a little of something you don’t love, even when it’s mostly something you do love.

So here are my beautiful rainbow pictures:

I hope you have an easy time climbing the emotional scale. May you make peace with the undesired, especially when something desired is your object of attention. May you find quadruple accomplishments. May you enjoy your days mostly and find emotional stability when you need it most. May you know that God loves and supports you in everything that you do.

Om Shanti

Give each other credit.

None of us give each other enough credit.

From the office manager of 30 years, to the new chiropractor, and the massage therapist in between.

From the yogi to the cardinal, bishop, rabbi, or lay-priest.

From the owner/president, to the ceo, to the basic laborer.

From the citizens to the politicians or vice versa.

We all have skills, we all have talents, we all have good qualities, there is something special and unique about everyone.

Yet we rarely take the time to acknowledge that special moment that we all mean to someone. Often because we are too busy worrying about ourselves. Sometimes it is jealousy, feeling lack of being on the receiving end. Sometimes it is doubt in ourselves and our own capabilities. Sometimes we feel unworthy ourselves and have trouble knowing how to say or show appreciation. There are many reasons we find ourselves unable, and often they are self induced, and never mean any hurt to anyone around us.

Perception can be everything and nothing, all at once. It can uplift or drag down, all depending on one’s individual view.

But it’s fixable.

First you must convince yourself that you matter and you are special. Get your own spirits up by seeing just your best parts, and then you can see all the things to be grateful for.

Then the ah-ha moment of appreciating another stirs a desire to give back. Just follow through on that moment.


This tangent was brought to you by being the recipient of a gift today. It helped brighten my day and took a smaller stresser off of my rather large pile right now. I am very grateful for the kindness.

It made me think of the many things weighing heavy on my mind, and how just about every decision I have in front of me seems like it will hurt someone, and that is the last thing I want. I like and/or love all of those people, all for different reasons.

I really appreciate that a woman with 30 years experience has taught me enough of her job to trust me in doing it for her.

I really appreciate that I work with an experienced chiropractor, whom does his best to help everyone he knows, even if it means sacrificing his time.

I really appreciate that the younger chiropractor has lots of experience with musculature, and fitness. He has a broader perspective than many specialists do, and genuinely does his best to educate his clients.

I really appreciate that there are two spectacular acupuncturist’s, and one of whom understands a lot of my Energetic concerns, both in relation to my body and my broader awareness.

My clients too, they all are special, all unique. Some of them I can’t fix, some I only buy them temporary relief, but I always honestly give my best, doing my best to help ease their life a bit.

At my other job, I am appreciative that I can still help even with limited hours to give. I appreciate that people genuinely still care about me even though it’s been almost 2 years since I was full time there. There are so many people that impacted me and they all still come to check on me on occasion. I appreciate the learning experience I had there, and human connections I made there. They are all good people. I am grateful that the mentor figure was able to get promoted, she deserved it and worked hard to get there, I’m glad she reached her goal. I’m also glad that my impact helped the company as a whole. It’s hard to admit that some of my less than spectacular moments helped them to avoid bigger problems, but I hope that some of my best moments helped too. I really did try to give my best.

I don’t know what my near future holds, but if I could do it without hurting anyone ever, that would be my choice. I would rather be able to gift them all something special, because they are all special in my heart.


May you know where you are headed and find it peaceful. May you enjoy your time here on this earth and know it mattered to people. May you see and appreciate the best in everyone. May we all let others know they have a special place in this world. May we all find a way to make more peace and feel more love in this world. May you know that God loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

*The picture was taken by my 6 year old, he loves group selfies. This evening I saw he was adapting my qualities to 6 year old boy format, some for the better, some for cringe factor. I want to be a better person myself, to teach my son and daughter to reach for better, no matter what. I want my efforts to matter enough that they understand why it’s important. I want to make improvement a real tangible reachable possibility that brings good things into their lives.