Tag Archives: appreciation

Loved, loving, lovable

Nathan helped me after work yesterday. We pulled cards and he helped me figure out the meaning, the story the cards told, what the hell I was feeling and experiencing.

There were 7 people, I was the center one, the other 6 were the people I had been feeling in my body all day, and as we talked over the cards I could feel which person was what spot in my body. At the end of the reading I realized that it was my birth family recreated, that each role I could relate to parents or siblings in childhood, but also to the current and recent past. It seems to this day, I love them all and just wish they got along because I love them.

My intuitive flash was that I just need to focus on the positive elements of each of the 6 roles. That they keep re-manifesting because I need to focus and put all the positives together. Yet at the same time understanding their roles in the first place to let them off the hook. They are not responsible for my happiness. I can love them without needing them to keep reappearing in my life. They only need be in my life if they want to be.

1) There’s the mature man with finances to spare, but emotions are upside down because his world was turned upside down. I still love him and hope he sees that. He was kind and soft spoken. He was commanding not because of force or volume, but because everyone knew when he spoke he had something important to contribute. He was strong and lean and healthy and easy going. He was gentle but passionate. He gave excellent back rubs and was one of the best computer programmers I knew. He had adorable wavy hair I always wanted to play with, and cute glasses. He was focused and driven with regards to his work. He was generous and loving and a good friend to everyone around him. He was super smart but also down to earth and could talk to anyone. He will always have my heart, no matter what.

2) There’s the shooting for the stars man. More mature than anyone gives credit, but because he’s shooting for the stars might be a bit overconfident in his own abilities, it makes for good learning lessons. He has stable finances, but grand ideas on how to manage them, which occasionally comes off as a bit ungrounded, but to me that’s endearing/cute. He’s also strong and passionate, and can be gentle when he wants. He’s a gentlemen when he focuses and is mindful of his touch and affect on people. He senses energy like me and wants to do the right thing, but doesn’t know how to respond when the energy is more intense than expected (I also think he’s figuring it out as he goes- just like me). He knows how to have fun and is kind to everyone. He is far more open and accepting than anyone will ever give him credit and I suspect he feels pigeonholed. He wants to be accepted for who he is as much as I do, and also has big dreams of helping people in grand ways. He’s handsome to me, especially in moments of kindness, and I appreciate that he wants to have his act together, not just look like it. I also appreciate that he has goals of fighting the good fight and being faithful in every sense of the word. He is very capable and optimistic and carefully contemplates consequences before taking action. He trusts his gut and follows his instincts well. He’s often intense, but a very deep thinker that no one notices. He’s good at whatever he desires to put his efforts into. I will love him whether he ever loves me or not. He is a good person at heart.

3) There’s the woman I’ll call my angel with broken wings. She parallels my mom, and I’ve already had this role refilled a couple of times. Overlooking victim mentality, she’s beautiful and kind. She is flexible and able to go with the flow. She’s often more solution oriented because of the problems she has faced. She is usually strong and always wants to be loved, just has a hard time seeing/receiving it. She’s a wonderful mom and intent on helping others avoid traumas she faced. She brings out the helper and healer in me. She wants everyone to feel good and feel loved. She’s a great cook and very organized. She wants to put people at ease and save them from hurts. She wants to help make the world a more beautiful place. She is sincere and good at making you feel like the center of the universe when she focuses. She’ll literally pick you up when you fall, even if it hurts herself in the process. She deserves someone that can get through her defences and give her the same in return. She’ll have my heart forever even though she never noticed she got it in the first place.

4) Mr honesty (Nathan and one of my brothers). So honest that he can’t even slant the story to make it sound better. Yet very loving and strong. He wants to be there for you as much as possible but knows his own limitations and downfalls. He is easily distracted by all that glitters as gold, but has a keen sense of what is genuine and worth keeping. His heart is true and faithful. He is more likely to let his health suffer than to avoid work or being there for his chosen family. Once he’s committed he’s all in, and for the duration of his life. He is very creative and able to solve many problems, and confident in those few things that he has taken great care to master. He is a kind and patient father and good husband. A little patience goes a long ways for seeing things through with him. He has my heart and knows it, but because he knows it, he is confident in allowing me to be me in whatever way that means, and is ready to give me a hug if I fall and hurt myself.

5) Intensely connected. He is real, and I’ve heard his voice, he’s not dead. We share the same energy stream so intensely that emotions ping pong off each other. Every emotion flows so easily through the ethers that I feel like I know him a thousand ways, and a thousand lifetimes over. He’s curious and passionate, a hard worker and with highly admirable lofty dreams of helping whole families. He’s intelligent and multilingual. He’s an engineer like my dad and one brother. He’s a dreamer like me but a bit more practical in application. Adorable, charming, open and accepting. He wants everyone to be happy and get along, and like me wants everyone to feel the loving connection. He’s willing to work on himself and keep improving. He won my heart years ago, and knows it, but doesn’t know why. I would love to explore why, but know I will find my happiness even if that doesn’t happen.

6) Known unknown, this slot is representative of my younger sibling and also the person whom is connected to Mr Intensely Connected (as felt during the reading-left side of my heart), the cards that came out could also apply to a couple of other people I’ve known. I feel them and care deeply, but there is a lot I don’t know about them.  I know by virtue of being in my bubble (my little brother being family) they are innately a good person. You don’t get years of association with good people, being raised by good people, and turn out to be that nasty. Yet, I’ve not had the luxury to fully see the way life has moulded their being into strengths and weaknesses. I get a sense that they lean toward scientific minded and chalk many things up to chance. I know my brother is honest and genuine and doing his best to leave a positive mark on this world also, so I like to think the others are similar. Honorable and relatively easy going, but compassionate even when not necessarily on the path of least resistance. The kind of person in search of their truths and able to examine things more objectively than most.

Those were the 6 people of the reading, the types that I keep re-attracting, and feeling in my body. It made sense to me. Why I was feeling them for nearly 2 days straight I’m not sure. All I know is I was being told to only focus on their good traits and let them off the hook.

So if you know you’re one of those people and you read my blog to keep up with me, I release you. I let you go. You’re not responsible for my well-being or my happiness. I only want you in my life if you want to be, but especially enough wanting to ease into finding a way to coexist with anyone else in my experience. I know I can’t make people get along, and I know that others are not responsible for my happiness. I’m willing to allow others to come and go as they need and I’m willing for others to display their affection or lack thereof in whatever ways they see fit. I am willing to let God take over the connections and help me to have my best life. I am willing to give love unconditionally because that is what God wants of me. I am willing to let go and let God.

I have experienced a knowing this week, through the help of changing energies and my finger tips. A knowing so deep that words fail, but which will last in my memory until my dieing day. A knowing simply of letting go of control can actually help things work better. It started with feeling the others, with feeling clients, continued with telling cells they can take the day off and relax, with visualizing warm sun on skin to enable relaxation, and ended with a long awaited phone call. I like this new knowing and I’m very grateful for the understanding.

May you all find a way to let go and let God. May you give your cells, your whole body, a break- let them release each other and feel sensations of things they miss. May you feel unconditional love and a knowing of your connection to God. May you understand why you keep repeating elements of your life. May you find a way to give control back to the divine. May you see all of the benefits of that in your life. May you feel blessed and divinely guided.

Siva Hir Su

8,745; 20,928; 17,416

That’s the number of steps I’ve incurred over the last 3 days. Almost all of them accomplished while also doing heavy lifting. … That’s 47,089 steps in 3 days along with hours and hours of hoisting belongings for our entire family.

We’re moving into our new home. Nathan and I doing it all alone as usual. Our Facebook friends were no help, no surprise there (have I mentioned there’s a reason I don’t do social media). The handful I direct texted or talked to in person were all predisposed. (Just once I’d love for one of the people we’ve helped to return the favor, and there’s quite a few of those.)

I could have hired movers, but that would have eaten money I could put towards finishing Anya’s bedroom, as that’s the room that was started in the previous owners’ house remodel, but not finished.

We all make choices, some are totally worth it, but still painful to get through. This would be one.

I love my family enough to ensure my dollars go toward more long-term oriented goals in making my choices. I’ll suffer the move to make sure my daughter’s bedroom is beautiful, and to her desiring, in the near future. It’ll also ensure windows get replaced sooner than later (as discussed before the offer was made). It also ensured I was able to get area rugs and a few pieces of furniture replaced that sorely needed it ages ago.

I am appreciating that I have the ability to even make these choices. I’m also appreciating that I find myself less worried about the dollars I’m spending. There is a knowing I’m making the best choices for my goals, and I have the finances to accommodate, even if it gets slightly tight at certain points in my monthly and yearly cycles. I’m still no millionaire, a long ways from that in fact, but I’m super appreciative that I’m no longer a few hours of work from food stamps. I’m ever so grateful that I’m much less worried about making my bills each month, and haven’t had to seek financial assistance from charities in several years. There could be more in my experience, but my gratitude for God’s help is immense because I have experienced far less for more years than I care to count.

Last night a church group was going door to door, passing pamphlets and preaching on repentance. She asked me if I was having fun moving and I just said no.

As she left I muttered to God that she has no idea how many years of penance I’ve experienced and if she really cared for others in her neighborhood she’d offer to help instead of preaching when I’m working my ass off. On their second pass through she had the kids that were with her help us for a few minutes. I thanked her and then proceeded to thank God with every box I lifted. I knew he had heard my grumbles, and that’s what matters.

I know that I’m part of the reason that others never return the favor, but I’m just not certain how. I know I’ve come to expect it, as this situation has been a repeat experience, so law of attraction is probably as major factor. However, I’m not certain that’s the only reason. I wonder if I am just not warm or friendly enough, or if my long hours of work that has been so beneficial to unburying financially, caused others to give up on me. I just don’t know for sure why, even though I’ve done heavy lifting for others, I never see reciprocation. It just is what it is.

The one friend that I know, who has already done wonderful things for me -my massage therapist of 7 years- lives over an hour away now. So, I didn’t have the heart to beg her for help knowing she’d have to drive so far to be of assistance. One day I’ll have more valuable friends that reciprocate my actions.

Probably long before that day, I’ll have a beautifully landscaped yard, Anya’s room will be finished, windows will be replaced, and we’ll have painted our home in beautiful bright hues of the whole rainbow. I even want to do at least one mural, though I’m not sure where yet.

For now my focus continues to be work and home. Things I already have, which I’m very appreciative of and grateful for, that can be improved upon. Once we are fully moved and settled, I’ll refocus on those things I started a while ago, books I’m reading, CEU instructor certification, artwork, etc. There is plenty for me to do to fill a whole lifetime, and perhaps at some point in all that God will surprise and delight me further.

May you all be satisfied with your choices, even when the consequences are less than desired. May you see and acknowledge your improvement. May you see God’s guidance and support in your life. May you have an endless list of things to be grateful for and appreciative of. May you see plenty to focus on in the here and now. May you have things that you can improve upon without too much difficultly or resource consumption. May you know that God is listening and offering replies. May you know you are loved and supported.

Siva Hir Su

Satisfied… Ahhhhh….

Dora gifs by gfycat.com

Like Dora says, “yea we did it!” And I feel very satisfied now.

Since my last update post a lot has happened.

New Year’s Day was spectacular weather, we spent part of the day outside with the kids and dog. It was great to be outside in just sweatshirts on the first day of the year. I was very grateful for that contrast to last year’s New Year weather. Buddy isn’t allowed to go outside, so he just stood at the door looking longingly outside 😆!

The rest of the day was spent inside watching the Rose Parade on YouTube and munching on a smorgasbord of: black eyed peas and collard greens, raw veggies, hummus, homemade vegan ranch dip, and homemade vegan french onion dip, sweet potato chips and of course some chocolate. I totally over-ate justifying it because all the items were healthy. My stomach reminded me the next day that too much of anything is a bad thing.

Then the 2nd day of January began in chaos.

I needed to go back to work, but was off a bit from my over eating escapade. Anya was off on an extended-family cruise from her mom’s side, so we needed to take littles with us. In the midst of the already extra-work morning routine, Nathan got a phone call that his Uncle had passed. That was upsetting to him because he’d just talked to that uncle on Christmas Day. He needed to call his parents to let them know, so I drove.

Probably because of my state of being, but also the holiday schedule changes, I went to the wrong work location on my first try and ended up at the correct location 5 min late. I gave the appropriate 30 min light swedish massage to the correct person. Just after my resident got up from the massage, he asked me a question. I proceeded to answer him, but noticed his demeanor had changed. He was in what seemed like a mild seizure to me. Being unaware of any history of seizures, I immediately sought staff assistance. By the time an aid responded, less than two minutes later he was not responding. The nurse was called, and by the time they were checking vitals and calling paramedics, he was in full “code”- he had stopped breathing. I helped the nurse and aid lower him from the chair to the floor and CPR was started. Paramedics were there within 5 and took over. I was asked details of what happened and they rushed him to the hospital.

I suspect he had a stroke, and if he survives it will be because of my immediate response and fast coordination with staff. Regardless I won’t know anything for a while. All I could do was proceed with my day, which was now 10 min late. I sent prayers for my resident every time he came to mind, and literally flew through my day staying 10 min late the whole way.

That is until leaving for for my final obligation of the day. Closing appointment for our home. We actually ended up being there 10 minutes early.

I was excited because it had been delayed twice, but also hesitant because it had been delayed twice.

Everything went okay though and we walked out with a key to our new home.

We had a celebratory meal and then stopped at our new home to make sure the key worked and we could get in. Also, to check what needed to happen before moving. It does need cleaned and we always smudge first. Plus I’m insistant that new door knobs and security is addressed before actually moving in. So those are on today’s to do list for Nathan.

I’m so very excited for our new home. It is not a perfect home having been built in the 60’s, but all the things that matter most are in good to excellent condition. I’m looking forward to the changes we talked about before even making an offer, and I’m so glad I’ll be able to make a pretty yard and have a true home office for working with some of my clients. It is definitely a step in the right direction.

I will leave you with a few pictures of the house that were taken before the previous owner fully moved out. For anyone that might have dubious intentions, I’ll point out there is no geo-tagging on these pictures and the house number was taken down when pictures were taken. Also, this lovely home looks like probably 20,000 others within the multiple cities of the KC metro, so you’d have to do quite a bit of advanced intellectual legwork to find it, not impossible but definitely difficult at best.

May you have chaos free days and clients in good health. May you have happy New Year’s and positive results. May you find the home you seek and make it your own. May you have progress and real happy endings. May you be surrounded by helpful and loving people. May you have all the love and support you need.

Siva Hir Su

Kit-bashed musically

Excerpts from Landslide by Fleetwood Mac, Carry on Wayward Son by Kansas, My Favorite Things by Julie Andrews…. They are my messages from the divine today via background music, may they serve you as well.


I took my love, I took it down
Climbed a mountain and I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
‘Til the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changin’ ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?
But time makes you bolder
Even children get older
And I’m gettin’ older, too
And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well, the landslide will bring it down

…………

Once I rose above the noise and confusion
Just to get a glimpse beyond the illusion
I was soaring ever higher, but I flew too high
Though my eyes could see I still was a blind man
Though my mind could think I still was a mad man
I hear the voices when I’m dreamin’, Masquerading as a man with a reason
My charade is the event of the season
And if I claim to be a wise man, it surely means that I don’t know
On a stormy sea of moving emotion
Tossed about I’m like a ship on the ocean
I set a course for winds of fortune, you will always remember, nothing equals the splendor
Now your life’s no longer empty
Surely heaven waits for you

Carry on my wayward son
For there’ll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest
Don’t you cry no more

…………

Raindrops on roses
And whiskers on kittens [& dust specks in sun beams]
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens
Brown paper packages tied up with strings
These are a few of my favorite things
Doorbells and sleigh bells…
Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings…
Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes
Silver-white winters that melt into springs
These are a few of my favorite things…
When I’m feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don’t feel so bad


Dear child within, I like you just the way you are.

It’s okay to play, don’t be so serious all the time.

Rest, it’s okay to relax. Let go and Love Your-Self. Slow down a bit.

If no one does it for you, you’ll eventually get to it, its okay if it takes longer.

Love those around you that do care, especially family you already have.

One step at a time, keep progressing, no matter what the speed. Any progress is better than no progress.

The only thing that is owed is love and respect of self. Let everyone else off the hook.

The rat race isn’t as bad as it seems, at least us rats are alive and can pretend we’re kings in castles.

Be like Martin Luther King, speak your dreams even when they sound outlandish to others.

Not all great heroes affect masses. Some merely master themselves and teach some children to do the same.

Just be you. You matter to God and that’s all that matters.


May your days make sense. May you have steady progress forward. May you experience expansion in good ways. May you love yourself, and heal enough to spread love everywhere.

Siva Hir Su

I know I’ve said it before.

I told Nathan I was sorry that I’m not able to manage the grand dream of Atira, but that I’d do my best to get a tiny plain Jane version going with our new home. I reiterated that I sincerely love him and always have.

I’m moving in into accepting that it’s just me and Nathan… And God’s help.

I saw a license plate that said ‘I setld’; in full English that’s “I settled”. I probably am doing that, I am giving up on reaching for my big dream. I tried and got my heart broken several times over. I’m deciding that I don’t think I can handle anymore of that and I’d rather go small and find some results, than go big and end up feeling alone and heart-broken again. Dreams can remain dreams. I’ll live in my fantasy inside my thoughts, like when I was a schoolgirl being scolded for daydreaming too much. It’s my easy way of finding creativity, at least when I’m not too busy functioning in daily life.

This Yule I am going to love me for my endurance and intelligence. I’m going to love me for still caring even after everything I’ve been through. I love me for putting family first. I love me for supporting those I love: Nathan, Anya, Ian, Katherine, and pets (even those people that left). I love me for continuing to work so hard and diligently. I love me for continuing to reach for another slightly better step.

This Yule evening, I lit candles and incense on the altars for Lord Shiva. I said a prayer essentially apologizing for being so dense, but thanking the divine presence for attempting to help me anyway. I acknowledged that I knew I was slowing the flow, but can’t seem to heal my brain enough to fix that, and my puzzle is just too complex to maintain perfectly every waking moment. I just want the divine to know I’ve tried and I honor and respect all the divine help I’ve been blessed with.

To celebrate, we decorated with live trees I can plant later in our new yard. We adorned them in LED lights and a few ornaments. And set the table with my decopage plates from last year’s craft activity.

Anya’s gift to us was a homemade meal of pomegranate citrus salmon with roasted brussel sprouts and honey carrots. And we had a toast of sparkling cider.

In the morning Pagan Santa (the original-a jolly elf king) will deliver a very few toys and clothes to my little ones, and a card-game and treat-giftcard to Anya. I found new bras and undies for myself (another first in over a decade), and Nathan couldn’t find anything he really wanted, swearing he feels blessed regardless.

It is a small impromptu Yule to compensate for changes in plans outside of our control.

May you have solid plans with happy family celebrations to bring all your loved ones close for the holidays. May you feel support and love all around you. May you find your healing and allow the flow of God and good to be abundant always. May your home feel like home and may you always find your holidays comfortable. May you have joyous holidays this year and always.

Happy Yule, Joyous Solstice, Blessed Kwanzaa, Happy Hanakha, and Merry Christmas, etc.!

Blessings and much love. Siva Hir Su

Acknowledging self

Even though I have my moments where I feel like I’m a hot mess, the last few days have helped me to see more of my value.

My down slump was caused from pre-cycle hormones bumping up against bitter cold weather and fighting off a head cold gleaned from a co-worker. Despite a nasty combination, I only went into hiding one day.

I blasted my immune system with my classic combo of Vitamin C, Colloidal Silver and Olive Leaf. In larger frequent doses it always works, and I don’t have to deal with the unpleasant taste of oregano. Today I only have remnants of sniffles.

All while this was going on I still managed to do my job. Still managed to go look at homes for sale, filed for mortgage approval, and found a possible home that we’re crossing fingers will go through and become ours soon. (Prayers welcome).

In the process I discovered that a government debt I paid in full in September, which had already been removed from my TransUnion records, was still showing in Equifax. I submitted a dispute which was returned as invalid because there was an unrelated debt agency saying I still owed it.

When did credit bureaus start favoring debt collectors? I’m sorry, but bureaus like TransUnion and Equifax were supposed to be unbiased agencies that made sure information was accurate.

If I tell Equifax a debt has already been paid and removed from my TransUnion report, and that was the basis of my dispute. Then why on Earth would they take a third party debt collection agency as correct. They should have verified with TransUnion, or the original debt which is a government agency. It boggles my mind that my written statement of it having been cleared including necessary pertinent information was completely disregarded.

So today, I fully intend to ream someone verbally to ensure that shit gets fixed. 2 months after the fact I should not be having to fight for Equifax to report correct information. At what point is our government going to hold Equifax truly accountable for all the damage they keep perpetrating on the American people. Data breaches, incorrect data processing, favoring 3rd party agencies, this shit has to stop. Equifax needs disassembled. Just sayin’.

Anyway, rant aside, I also had moments of self acknowledgment yesterday working on clients. Between discussions including my birthing stories, a client thanking me for the nudge to change her diet (which worked completely), and even moments where I spoke on random knowledge I have (home improvement and things like conductivity of certain metals). I was able to step back momentarily and really see my intelligence and how it helps others and even myself in a wide array of ways.

It’s not often I even see that part of myself being so self-critical, but yesterday not only did I recognize it, I even took a moment of self-appreciation. It felt good.

I also had a moment of great appreciation for my work environment right now.

I had just gotten a regular adjustment (Tuesday or Saturday- my days are blurring together again) because my neck and shoulders were tight. Tight almost always means an adjustment is called for, so that day the owner-chiropractor adjusted me. It was indeed needed and felt very relieving. I was appreciative.

But like all humans I occasionally do something stupid, and yesterday morning was as such. In my rush getting into the car to head to work, I clobbered my head on the doorframe of the car. I literally heard and felt the crunch in my neck, and thought ‘so much for that adjustment I had, I’m going to regret that later’. By the time I arrived at work I conceeded I did need another adjustment. I admitted my folly and asked if that would be possible and the other chiropractor said certainly. My schedule didn’t actually allow for time to accommodate it until the end of the day, but once accomplished I felt great again. Bonus, the acupuncturist gave me 30 min on her Beamer and I felt spectacular. It was very needed and I’m very grateful he was able to accommodate second adjustment in less than a week.

May you all have moments of self-awareness and self-appreciation. May you all have adjustments you need and good health. May the universe be kind to you when you have your human moments of folly. And may you have good credit and agencies that diligently report accurate information.

Siva Hir Su

Gratitude is good.

Today I express gratitude for my health.

I gave 2 very deep tissue massages intended to fix knees and related woes, then walked 10,000 steps and did 20 minutes of weight lifting. All of this and I still did 2 more hours of lighter massage.

The lifting let me see that I had mostly maintained or improved my strength despite having slacked on going to the gym for almost 2 years. I had only lost ground on the leg press by 5 pounds, resulting in a 195 lb lifting capacity. Everything else either maintained or went up. My arms were where I saw the increase, and triceps had gone up by 10 pounds since last lift. That was a happy dance moment. All these deep tissues are building my strength.

I’ve also brought all of my blood sugars all the way back to normal, even with sugary holiday foods. The adjustments I’ve made have fixed my biggest concern. Maybe that’ll mean the weight will finally start dropping.

I also express gratitude for my children and family time.

Yesterday was Halloween, All Hallows Eve, All Saints Day, Samhain. My children dressed as a lady demon, The Flash, and a ladybug. We trick-or-treated briefly and then spent time with friends including kids of same ages. It was a good time full of fun, and of course Katherine causing mischief.

Additionally, I express gratitude for downtime and holy days.

This coming Sunday will be my first bonified day of downtime in a month. I worked 2 Sunday’s and had the wedding in between, so this Sunday is do what I want *squeals with delight*. What does that mean… I plan on working on the dome design some more, maybe doing some beading, and we discovered the local temple is holding their Diwali festival this Sunday (I was afraid I missed it because of working last Sunday), so yep I’ll be there. I look forward to a celebration of unity and oneness. Right here at home.

Furthermore, I’m grateful for my husband keeping all the parts moving despite the oldest child being gone a lot for sleepovers and other fun stuff with friends.

Finally, I’m extremely grateful for sick burns of cheeto head and humor in general. (Nathan shared these with me by text from his Facebook, since I’m not on Facebook to do a direct share.)

May you find humor, enjoy your family, have restful enjoyable celebrations and plenty of downtime. Finally, may you see your good health and all your efforts paying off.

Siva Hir Su

Watering continues.

The last couple of days I’ve been mostly well. There have been moments of confusion and moments of distress, but mostly I’ve stayed focused on what I want and generally buoyant. I really kicked butt yesterday doing 4 appointments consisting of 2.25 hours of continuous deep tissue. I approved the back-to-back stretch to accommodate helping the acupuncturist’s wife, whose neck had locked up- something I’m very familiar with.

Today is a day off, with the exception of one easy make-up home-visit appointment early this morning. Somehow, though the overcast weather and cooler temperatures have me hibernating.

I’m feeling my divine masculine today, fairly intensely. It has brought up lots of thoughts and feelings.

Somehow my thoughts keep cycling back to a man from my past, back when Anya was a baby: Rajesh. I keep remembering a point when I was at my worst, it’s been coming up frequently the last few weeks but today it’s really nagging at me.

Things had been happening involving him, his wife (my then best friend from high school), Nathan, and I. The specific memory is of when I lost control of myself and fell deep into depression and despair. Rajesh had found me crying and rocking myself in the upstairs closet. I was struggling so hard, fighting to regain control of my brain that I couldn’t even speak, and I remember him asking me something. I remember him standing there watching me and I remember wanting him to just hold me. To hug me and comfort me. After a moment, I can’t even define in time measurements, he said something and left. Moments later Nathan came in and held me.

Rajesh never did speak to me about that moment. I assumed he was either afraid to, or didn’t want to upset me. Yet to this day when the memory comes up I get embarrassed for not having been able to speak, and I still think about how much I just wanted him to show he cared by holding me. I really wanted to feel love in that moment and I respected him so much that I wished he had just loved me. Maybe he did and didn’t know how to show it, or simply how to respond in that moment.

I have no idea why this memory keeps resurfacing, and that’s ultimately why I wrote about it. I thought maybe writing it out would bring clarity. Yet I know that the state I was in means that the memory is incomplete. There are details my brain was unable to retain, which acknowledging that brings more confusion. Why now, nearly 13 years later, can I not shake it, and why does it flare my sense of my divine masculine.

I know that I am now in a much different mental space, mostly having defeated depression, and without a trace of medication. Thanks to Dr. Illardi’s “Depression Cure”. For that I’m utterly grateful. I owe that alignment to God, for I begged for help, and the people and resources to connect me with the therapist wielding that book resulted. It was divine grace that took over and helped me find my necessary set of tools to defeat depression in my life. The closet incident was one of my lowest points and now I’m able to maintain a much higher level of functioning even when something breaks my stride.

Maybe the memory is just acknowledging that massive improvement and reminding me of my gratitude for God and my solution. Yet it feels like more than that. My whole upper body is on fire with just that memory. That I don’t understand.

Regardless of my confusion, I do wish to acknowledge my decade of improvement. So that’s where I’ll water my dreams of Atira today.

  • I have supported my family, on my own, for a decade without keeping “a day job”. I’ve been successfully self-employed for nearly a decade.
  • During that same decade, I birthed 2 healthy children at home with minimal allopathic medical services.
  • During that same decade I took myself from nearly losing my life to depression, to being as mentally and emotionally stable as is considered normal.
  • I have started to slowly chip away at correcting financial damage done when Nathan got sick.
  • I’m nearly to a point where I will be able to buy us a home again and escape the decade of renting and being at the mercy of less than desirable landlords.
  • I have taken every opportunity possible to expand my knowledge and increase my skill sets.
  • I have maintained board certification and licensure over 12 years, despite having to move many times over.
  • I’m good at what I do because I care and I allow God to assist me. My hands do God’s work every day.
  • Though it seems I’m still very far from my big dream of Atira, I have made real progress. I have taken action steps and accomplished small goals to keep on my path to that big dream.
  • I give love at every opportunity, despite the fact that I’ve loved and lost, that I’ve loved and been hurt by several of those I gave my heart to. I do my best to find unconditional love, sometimes I accomplish that better than others, but I always aim for that.
  • I’m closer than I’ve ever been to being able to build and maintain Atira, one piece at a time.
  • I am strong and have amazing endurance.

May you all find moments of understanding and clarity. May you all experience growth and make progress towards even your biggest of dreams. May you all find unconditional love in your life.

Be well.

Siva Hir Su.

Watering my seeds of Atira

In my dreams this week I was told I need to spend more time giving thoughts to Atira. So despite my desire to rant about others, or the news, or absolutely dumb things our president has done this week, I’m going to focus on that.

Atira: my business, my community, my charity, my prayer.

Things I appreciate from my now that I want to keep in Atira:

My husband, kids and pets.

A sense of community and belonging: helping people find common ground and a desire to participate in life together- much like I did at the activities job.

Pretty yet comfortable, keep finding ways to accomplish comfortable and beautiful, and bonus if it can be done at low costs.

Healing: I do love being able to help people feel better, and now more than ever I feel like I’m able to do that in a wide variety of ways. My resident from last weekend told me she slept for 3 hours solid after I took her pain down with Reiki. I’m so glad I helped. So, I look forward to further expansion in those ways. Also, the acupuncture lady at the clinic introduced me to a European medical device called a Bemer. It produces a specific range of EMF frequencies that do wonders for the human body. It felt amazing and helped me release a rib, my pelvic cradle, and my jaw line. I could totally see having several treatment rooms for people to utilize such a device in a format like tanning salons use. They’re 7grand a pop, but if we had multiple rooms, they’d pay for themselves in no time, especially since treatments run 8 to 20 minutes. Yet another wonderful idea to add to the clinic of Atira.

I enjoy having a variety of activities and some time to myself. It allows for art, music, mediation, and self-care, all of which are vital for my mental, emotional, and spiritual health.

I enjoy getting paid to do things I find enjoyable and/or relaxing.

I enjoy seeing well tended gardens and beautiful flowers, and though I like the activity of gardening, I know there are far better gardeners than I am. I would love to help create Atira’s gardens, but I’m perfectly fine letting others maximize it’s beauty.

I love hiking and would definitely enjoy doing more of that.

I love that I’m accessing subtle energies more easily, and that it is helping me with Reiki treatments, and also that I’m starting to channel in different ways. I look forward to experiencing the complexities of that and the growth it will bring. I’m very appreciative that the Divine is giving me messages through these subtle channels and I look forward to ever greater clarity.

I love that I feel God and my Divine Masculine, and hope that I’m doing the right thing when I write about my experiences.

I love that I’m rebuilding my credit, all on my own, while still being sole provider for our family. I look forward to being able to take the next step and buy a house. I love financial abundance and independence, and the freedom that comes with it.

I am doing better and moving forward. I enjoyed my vacation immensely and look forward to another in the future. For now, I am keeping my promise to God and doing my best to move forward toward Atira and share the love with those people and elements in my life that align with Atira.

I love being in nature, especially the quiet that it brings. I love that Katherine slept clear through every night we spent in the woods of Maine. I aim to create that environment in the now so that she can sleep through the night again. For the last 2 years nights have been interrupted consistently. I look forward to re-experiencing the peace and contentment of full night’s sleep, every night. I look forward to Katherine feeling so safe, protected, and comfortable that she finds the rest she had in Maine.

In fact, the vacation did us all good, even Ian found his way back to his more calm self. I look forward to everyone in my family feeling better and having peace and contentment.

Side note: “Beyond This Moment” by Patrick O’Hearn is playing … That and “Christophorie’s Dream” are such beautiful pieces to me. I feel them to my soul, they are peaceful.

I love seeing my family happy and joyful. I love feeling loved. I am strong, yet love having those supported moments of weakness where I know all will be ok. I am healthy. I am intelligent. I am capable. I can handle most anything, and learn what I need to, to keep forward momentum. My soul is beautiful.

I love having access to other healing modalities (clinic) and many options for resources such as healing herbs and foods. Currently I’m grateful for Sprouts, Natural Grocers, and Whole Foods, but I look forward to Atira’s Market to fine tune the product availability.

—————-

I foresee another post as I didn’t get around to words for things I’m not currently experiencing. I wish to recall elements of my past I appreciated, and things I feel are in future solutions. Perhaps I’ll do 2 more posts as time permits for those words.

Finally, the picture I chose is my hand. My mom told me on our trip that when she was a teenager a man hired her to work the register at a small shop, he had said he hired her because she had the M on her hand, and that meant she was honest. I have the M too, and noticed my brother that we visited also did. I guess honesty runs in our family. May you all find your moments of validation of your own worthiness.

May you all have time to appreciate what’s in front of you and to care for yourself. May you all have moments of fine tuning, and may you all water your dream seeds.

Siva Hir Su

It does feel like home.

It’s not my home, and at the moment I wouldn’t have a clue as to how to attempt to make it become so, but this place is so beautiful. It makes me know that my dream of Atira is possible, and though I am in mountains near the ocean, is not the same mountains I’ve seen in my dreams of Atira.

Our cabin is so far out and so far down in a valley that even the new cell tower a mountain over is not providing any more than spotty service. My phone will only do calls and texts without WiFi. The main Lodge does have WiFi available now which wasn’t available in previous years, but it’s unsecured and at certain times of the day everyone wants to partake in it.

I have not minded any of that inconvenience because it’s so beautiful here. It also helps that our “cabin” is as spacious as our actual home in KC, just formatted differently.

We went to Acadia NP on Tuesday and I hiked for hours stopping to let kids play on Sand Beach. I think we covered about 1.25 miles of coastline out and back, but there was abundant rock climbing to be had, so I’m sure my steps were more like 4 miles, maybe more. We made it to Thunder Hole from Sand Beach before my shoulder and back started screaming from having been wearing both Katherine and a backpack full of diapers and snacks. We decided to call it quits on walking/hiking but returned to our van and made several more stops for viewing pleasure. By the end of the day I’d gotten a significant sunburn that was mildly uncomfortable, so I spent that evening coating myself in lavender and aloe to heal it up.

The teens went with my brother and his wife on an epic 4 mountain hike, covering over 5 miles of trails and taking nearly 6 hours. Anya said she loved the views, but it was a bit much for her, and was nearly in tears asking if she could have just a little Beach time before we drove away. We took her to otter cove just as the tide was coming in and she was happy as clam.

I told her we’d head back at least once before our vacation was up and she was much relieved.

That is today. We’re due to pull out in an hour or 2 to go ride the Margaret Todd ship and explore Bar Harbor which apparently also has a beautiful sandy beach to walk on. My brother explained at low tide the beach connects to a small island with waking trails. I’m so looking forward to it.

My brother’s wife explained that you can’t see it all in one trip, they’ve been coming here for one week of every summer for 7 years and still haven’t done it all.

For now I’ll leave you with some pictures of Acadia and our cabin at the military campground in Great Pond. May you all have beautiful experiences that feel like home.

Cabin & surroundings:

Acadia:

Finally, after our busy couple of days, I enjoyed drinks and dinner with my family during a rain shower from the cabin screened in porch. I ate and drank too much that I shouldn’t have, so felt the aftermath this morning, but I thoroughly enjoyed myself last night. Sunburn and all. Happiness.

P.S. I’ve felt my connection very strongly over the last couple of days, and hoping it means something super wonderful. May you all feel your connections of clarity and bliss.