Tag Archives: Atira

A Brief Exposé

Preface:

I’m going to intention to be somewhat vague here. I’ve noticed overlapping patterns in my manifestations and resulting interactions with others. I intend for this post to apply to as many of those overlapping situations as possible.

First and foremost:

“Don’t think about all those things you fear, just be glad to be here.” ~ “Hayling” by FC Kahuna

I have come to rest for the moment in a place of acceptance of myself as I stand. I’m seeing my power and abilities and yet evaluating whether I wish to push the envelope or just allow myself to be for a bit.

I woke hurting this morning, a combination of allergic reactions from Anya’s birthday celebration, and physical fatigue from having done a dozen very-deep tissues this week. Yet I managed to push through and find genuine gratitude that at least I’m feeling it.

There are people living in this world that are unable to feel their arms and legs and would appreciate the discomfort of my aches this morning.

That acknowledgement in combination with something that crossed my path yesterday led me to a realization that I had attracted myself an onslaught of people unwilling to express their gratitude for me in any meaningful way. I literally saw how several people in my recent history (last 5 years) probably did care on some level, but convinced themselves for whatever reasons that they could not align with the action or resources which they knew would convey that most effectively. As a result I’ve parted and chosen to move on the best way I can, but lingering hurts cross my mind on occasion.

So here I sit feeling confident in my current endeavors and abilities, a new fuller knowing of myself, but slightly hesitating. Knowing that as I move forward I wish to attract people and experiences that honor myself better.

That means I must start by honoring myself better.

You see, the Law of Attraction is just that.

Like attracts like.

I could not have attracted those people and experiences if I had not held myself in that particular alignment.

Extrapolation:

“Some of them want to use you, some of them want to be used by you. Some of them want to abuse you, some of them want to be abused.” ~ “Sweet Dreams” by Eurythmics

I have been abused in my lifetime. Repeatedly in fact, and in multiple ways: physically, mentally, and emotionally. In turn my abused mind and body, unable to handle the hurts, reflected them back at those in my experience. I became the abuser. Not as severe as my abusers were, but abuse I delivered none-the-less. I knew in my heart I could not let that continue and prayed for help to change myself. I prayed that I might be forgiven for my indescrections. My least desire of anything in this world is to be abuser or abused.

I have been used in less abusive ways. Simply being an employee is, in a way, being used. However, because of my history with abuse, many of my being-used situations reflect a similar negative consequence. I see that my dream of Atira would in a way require that I use others. However, it is my prayer that I find a balance where I can utilize others in the best way possible, and while honoring their gifts as best as I am able. I want my having to experience the flip side to be full of as many positive consequences as possible. That means if I am to have employees I wish to compensate them properly. That means if I’m to utilize volunteers I wish to honor them fully and treat them accordingly. I want to teach people that honoring each other and ourselves is a way of honoring God.

Despite being one of my favorite songs, what “Sweet Dreams” fails to sing about is all of the other options.

I wish to love and be loved.

I wish to honor and be honored.

I wish to serve and be served in the name of God.

I wish to respect and be respected.

I wish to care and be cared for.

I wish to share and be shared with.

I wish for intellectual and emotional equals to experience this give take world with as partners and companions. Where we can all reach for better.

Full-Circle:

“I wished for you too.” ~ Practical Magic

I attracted you, with my attention to my desires and my sloppy habits stemming from hurt. My mixed bag brought you into my experience.

Yet, you must admit that you are equally responsible. You aligned in the exact same manner. You focused on your desires, but missed your sloppiness from your past.

You see we are equals, carrying the same level of blame.

I suspect you felt that you were better than I. That you could manifest things better, or that you were smarter than I, more connected, more esteemed or somehow more gifted. In your hubris you aligned yourself with idiocy and in a way became the abuser.

Your lack of humility, your inability to reach for better took us out of alignment.

You see, I seek those willing to admit we’re all equals here on this Earth stumbling through and learning how to reach for better and improve ourselves. Those willing to move mankind toward a brighter future. Those willing to take responsibility for their actions, offer apologies when necessary, and reach for honoring themselves and others better. I acknowledge that none are perfect, yet in our imperfection lies our greatest gifts.

I know you saw my intelligence, my strength, my reserve, my determination, my extra large size, as well as my extra large energy. You saw my fortitude, my resolve, my ability to endure and persevere. You saw my gifts and talents and my inner beauty.

Yet, your sloppy habits brought to your attention my strangeness, my unique views and my very unorthodox beliefs and unconventional ways. I pushed your comfort zone and set a high bar. I challenged you in ways you obviously were unable to handle, which took us further out of alignment.

So now I can revise what I want, need, and desire.

I seek someone with equal intelligence, strength, reserve, determination, and energy. Someone with fortitude, resolve, ability to endure and persevere. Someone with gifts and talents and inner beauty. Yet someone humble enough to acknowledge that all of that exists in me and many others as well. Someone open minded enough to handle my strangeness, my unique views and my very unorthodox beliefs and unconventional ways. Someone willing to allow themselves to grow through experiencing me fully. Someone able to have constructive conversations even when beliefs diverge. Someone able to convey their preferences while still exploring the unknown or perceived contrasting experiences. I seek someone willing to love and be loved. Someone to honor and be honored. Someone willing to serve and be served in the name of God. Someone willing and able to respect everyone and in turn be respected, to care and be cared for. Someone able to share and be shared with.

I need for those someones to be able to take responsibility and share their gifts to commit to not just my family, but to building Atira. You see, I don’t just need money for Atira, I need people, hands, help, specific knowledge that I would rather utilize in others than begin to learn myself. Atira will fare far better, actually become a success, if there is a group, a poly family, willing to share the work load. I seek those people.

I have thought about each person that had previously aligned and subsequently misaligned with me. If further alignment was genuine, accompanied by equally genuine apologies, and foreseeably maintainable, then I could potentially welcome them back.

At the moment I have no evidence to the possibility of that, and suggestions, mere hearsay, to the contrary. Yet, I’m going to leave room that it might be possible. However, I’m not going to hold my breath, because I know the universe will provide what I desire regardless. It has so far, I was just sloppy about maintaining my alignment, and THAT is where I know I can and will do better.

May all of my readers take this to heart and find and maintain their alignment. May you all have those in your life that honor, respect and love you for being you. May you heal your hurts and move on successfully. May you find a way to make your dreams happen.

Victory and insights.

So the victory is my midwife is paid in full!!!! Yay! Happy dance and squeals of delight.

I even have a little bit saved for the trip to Acadia National Park in Maine the end of July. At this rate I think I’ll have enough to make the trip. It might be tight, but I can’t say no to free lodging, a beautiful experience, and visiting family I’ve not seen in nearly a decade.

That is wonderful relief.

On an entirely different topic, the insights came yesterday at a mandatory meeting our building had with the President and Vice President of our company. I have to say meeting them was far more comfortable than daily working tends to be. Everyone around me was running around stressing and I just wasn’t. I don’t know why in particular but it felt very comfortable and I even had a good albeit short conversation with the President.

He seems like a genuinely good guy, and the biggest take away from the meeting was that the owners are also good people.

It led to a long conversation with our pastor afterwards. We discussed how a company gets to where they have such genuinely good goals and set out to do good deeds, but end up having staffing and budget issues as I’ve seen. How the low people on the totem essentially still boil down to numbers. And how those ideals fail to carry through to all of the individuals in the organization.

It helped me gain some more clarity on my goals of Atira. The pastor used the phrasing that perhaps a company gets too large to fully understand all of the individual workings and really know it’s people. That the connections that express a person’s value are lost. That sentiment reinforced prior ideas I’d had that Atira should be a singular community. It could spawn franchisee opportunities or literally just help people learn how to start their own communities, but I really don’t want a company of mine to grow so large that the company itself begins to lose sight of it’s intent.

I want Atira to stay manageable so that I know for sure it is helping people both within and outside of it’s structure. I want to know that if all the individuals understand that, the better it functions and the more they can make happen in their lives and in the lives of others.

For instance: I know I want to give homeless people second chances by putting them to work- training and all, but I also acknowledge that minimum wage being just over $7 is highly unrealistic with the inflation we’ve had the last 20 years. I want Atira to be able to sustain realistic living wages for all of it’s staff members, and those with experience and drive do deserve to earn more.

Yet, I acknowledge that in order for there to be profits to divert for other charitable uses, there does have to be positive flow of goods and services being exchanged for properly set fees.

It is definitely a tricky balancing act, and one that though I now can see my employer aimed for, either did not reach or was unable to maintain. I want Atira to reach and maintain it.

Beyond that, yesterday’s conversations and interactions solidified that I have done very well for myself with much less effort than some. I pointed out to the President that I had only ever paid for two boxes of business cards and never did pamphlets or other costly marketing.

I left Facebook nonsense out of that conversation knowing that I had already gotten their attention over that. However, in talking to the pastor I did revisit it. Explaining that I have yet to see any benefit from Facebook, also knowing over 2 dozen people that have tried to use it for marketing. Most of those, myself included had far too negative cost-benefit imbalances in Facebook marketing. Offering up hundreds of free services or visits to get a pittance of mediocre to decent client base. It simply just never netted the good reliable clients that massage therapists, chiropractors, and other care providers survive by.

I count myself fortunate to have seen that pattern and ducked out before giving away too many hours of my life, my work, and my hands, to those that are ungratefully taking advantage of the freebie.

That is not to say I never give away services. In fact to this day I still do. However, I’m much more discerning in my free work. I give to those that truly value it, but otherwise might not be able to afford it. I also give away a fair number of massages to veterans, even those that can afford it. That is where I choose to give, and when someone shows their gratitude in the best way they know or have available, I’m more likely to give them repeat free services. I have one veteran that I bill for about every 4th massage, knowing he’s on a tight budget but that he sings my praises nearly daily. So essentially I do my best to catch him weekly and bill just one a month. That is my avenue for flowing charity for God. It is what I can do right now, so I do.

And besides, not dealing with Facebook took a huge stress off of me. No longer having to consider finding or creating good stock photography, and reducing my concerns of protecting people’s information and privacy. As a sole proprietor HIPAA is a potentially life threatening costly mistake waiting to happen, so I’m glad I stepped away from Facebook when I did.

Anyway, I’m utterly grateful for the whole lot, midwife being paid, meeting upper management, learning more about the company, and especially both the conversation with the President and our pastor.

Another thank you to the Divine for providing more clarity in my days and helping to continually redefine and become more specific with my desires and goals. I truly look forward to brighter days ahead.

Already on the bus.

So I’ve finished reading “The Energy Bus” and realize now that I’ve already gotten my bus going. It’s been a slow start, bumpy ride, with a few breakdowns already, but my bus is generally pointed the right direction and moving.

Really I’ve been driving my bus for a while, but just need more focus and helpful passengers

I have my committed passengers, in for the full ride- my family by marriage and by giving birth.

I have my semi-committed or part time riders, people in my daily and work life that are generally as helpful as they can be, but can’t necessarily stay for the whole ride. Sometimes they’re on and sometimes they’re busy on their own bus.

I have at least one passenger, maybe 2 or 3 that I’m hoping are like the character Michael. Where they removed themselves, but ultimately come around, and end up finding themselves wanting to make positive changes too, and join my bus again. That would be nice, not just for my bus, but for them- their state of being- and because it will validate messages I got what seems like forever ago. May we all master only feeding the good dog.

So far I’ve already ejected a few of what was termed “Energy Vampires” from my bus, and there’s one big one that needs to go yet. Fortunately, those from my biological family have mostly removed themselves from my life, so that’s one less hurdle.

With all that being said, this book leaves me acknowledging I have steps to go yet.

I have used this blog to write about Atira many times, but it’s scattered through multiple posts and partial posts, and I’m not sure I’ve ever reinforced the entirety of the complexity of that to those on board my bus, even if part time. I think it would help to get more concise with my desires, vision, and focus so that there is one document I can reference. Maybe even to give them copies.

I still have a ways to go to ensure I’m only feeding the good dog, and fueling my bus with positive energy. I have the basic idea, but have some practicing to do to maintain it, because I do let fear and stress get the better of me frequently.

Also, I totally spend too much time worrying about people that don’t get on my bus. I will get better at acknowledging maybe it’s too soon for them or they have other reasons for not joining my route. It’s not personal to me, it’s personal for them and their journey.

Additionally, I still have a ways to go on demonstrating my own enthusiasm and love. I already do both, but often allow myself to be easily deflated, especially when my efforts go unnoticed, unacknowledged, or unresponded to. Then once I’ve been deflated, I definitely still struggle to get back up and give another go.

I also need to find my purpose in everything better. It’s easy for me when what I’m doing is part of my vision for Atira, but much much harder when my task-at-hand is seemingly unrelated. That is evidence of not fully knowing that “everything happens for a reason”. I must trust more and find how everything relates. How does what I’m doing fit with my journey and fuel my bus.

Lastly, a huge must: start having more fun and enjoying the ride more. It’s not that I don’t at all, but I really succumb to stress easily. I’m latching onto the books’ phrase “you can’t feel stressed when you feel blessed”. That is my biggest new goal. To be “too blessed to be stressed”.

With that I wanted to share the list of rules the book went over:

And finally, I wanted to share an Abraham Lincoln quote (below) from the book that really resonated with me. My life journey fine-tuned to that direction after the online stranger woke my dreams up in me. I realized I may fail, I may never actually get there, but giving up all together- ignoring who I’ve become- is far worse than failing. I must remain true to who I am and where I’d like to go, if I’m to ever find consistent happiness and have any chance at all of possibly making it there. I want my light to shine bright from here until my dieing days.

Again, thank you for hanging in with me and joining at least the written part of my ride. I sincerely hope you benefit from my words in one way or another.

Getting Somewhere… I think.

I needed help, I sent prayer requests to everyone I knew- regardless of religious preference, with the basics of what was going on. Even though I choose to reference myself as a Pagan, and view god in several different manifestational aspects, I see everyone’s connection with God as vital and helpful, so I ask anyone that is spiritual in any way, for support when I need it.

The church at work has come through with some help in a variety of ways, I am so grateful. I am really seeing how churches are really like companies, they bring people together for a common purpose and get the job done. Their purpose is just the spiritual side of things, and solidifies my belief in goals for Atira. I look forward to one day finding my pastor for the Temple of Atira at the heart of Atira community.

So, I needed a home, good enough for now. We’ve found just that. My husband stumbled onto a house in an OK neighborhood, not the best, but not the worst either. When he called, the landlord had 2 houses and one other person interested. We looked at both and put in our request, and I let God decide which was better for us right now- knowing they were essentially the same house, neighborhood, and cost. When the landlord called back, we got the one with the basement that is about mile closer to work, but no central air.

The house was a $100.00 per month over our goal. I had already expressed the need for a significant raise to my manager when they were contemplating hiring me back full time. So I told God I’ll definitely need that raise and then some if I’m going to start chipping away at getting ahead of my ball of mess.

The very day that my husband secured our new home with a deposit, my manager called me in. The offer: Tuesday through Saturday 8 hour days, $16/hr to start since I’ve jumped in and helped out so well. Once they figure out who is landing in what roles permanently, I’ll be bumped to $17/hr, and when I complete their online training program that will earn another $1/hr. So the faster I complete that, the better. IF I can get my A1C down from pregnancy/allergies and reinstate my medical card on my CDL I’ll get another bump (though that was more vague).

Regardless for now, I will have to continue to do massage. I’m giving the care-giving job nearly 3 weeks notice, and that will give me time to adjust my massage schedule. All will have to be set by October 28th, as that is the start of the first week full time for the offered position. I’m moving 2 of my buildings and as many individuals as possible to Sundays. My Mondays will stay the same fully booked at 2 of my long standing facilities. I will officially be working 7 day weeks, every week, but my days will be shorter with a 15-20 min commute and Sundays being most likely half days. I’ll actually get to see my children a little more than right now. So that’s a bonus.

As part of my new role I’m jumping into a book that the company started a couple of months ago, and each week they covered a couple of chapters during the weekly meetings. Since they’re already on chapter 24, I am cramming the reading of the book into one weekend to get caught up, so that I can present the next pair of chapters on Tuesday.

It’s called “The Energy Bus” by Jon Gordon, and so far I’m just hitting the chapters where the 10 rules for life are being started. The chapter I’m on (7), ends with a writing exercise, so I thought it apropos to write my answers down here.

  1. My vision for my life (including health) is:
    • I want to heal both my brain and my body. I see myself at a healthy weight (150-160 lbs) that is easy to maintain, almost effortless. I see myself having healed my digestive system so that it rarely reacts to small things and a place where only bigger intrusions become noticeable. I see myself being able to tell others that I have healed my brain enough that depression rarely rears its head, and I am generally in a good, happy place in life. I see myself in a place where I love myself every day, all day, and finally put a stop to self-degrading and self-limiting beliefs and language. I want to own my health fully and completely and know that I can sometimes have things without it hurting me physically or mentally. That I have built a fortress of good health.
  2. My vision for my work, career, job, and team is:
    • Ultimately, I see owning my own community: Atira, but not just for elderly. I see having Atira help adults of all walks of life and thus help many, many families. You can’t please everyone, but you can build a community that attracts only those that it desires to please, and that is my end goal.
    • I can see how my current work is giving me an eye into the vast complexity of what an organization like that means. I am getting a first hand glimpse into what it takes to run such a vast community, especially staffing needs and logistical breakdowns, and I can see that I have quite a ways to go before I solidly know how manage something so complex. I am grateful for this opportunity and it’s guidance, and I know that in time I will have the knowledge that I need to go and Start Atira.
    • I see that though it is a process to learn all of the things needed to build my community, I am the only one that controls the flow. I am the speed of the river, so I am the only one that can dictate how long it will take me to learn all of the things I need to know to accomplish building Atira. I state here that I wish to keep things moving: as soon as I master one step, I wish to be in a stable footing to take the next step comfortably. I know that the step I’m on is entertainment coordinator, and I am comfortable with some of the elements, but still working on logistical juggling and paperwork aspects. It will come quickly. I will find my groove. When I do and I can demonstrate maintaining the flow for a few months, I look forward to the next step: managing a team of people that do the leg work for an organization.
    • I know that I will need some minimal additional training to make that next step in someone else’s organization, so I ask that the universe provide the opportunity at little to no cost to me and in a manner that I can easily fit it into my work schedule and life. I foresee this training being more easily accommodated after the first of the year, and after I have nearly mastered my current role.
    • Once I master my current role, and gain the additional training I see that the logical next step is to find a new position with that added training. I know that taking steps forward like that can seem daunting, but it is an important learning experience and I acknowledge that I have done it many times before and will be able to do it again and again until I have mastered each level along the way to running a full community. It will come in time, and I just need to remind myself of that occasionally so that I remain patient with myself and with the process.
      • Here I want to be clear, all these steps are to further my end goal of Owning Atira Community, even if it takes decades. I don’t merely wish to learn how to climb the corporate ladder and work my way up another person’s company. I see other companies, careers, and jobs (even my massage work) as real life training to reach my life purpose, and work toward my life goal. I trust that the divine will put people in my life that can help me accomplish that, with the understanding that at some point I may have a job just like they hold now, maybe with the same company, maybe a different company. The company is of less concern to me, the goal of learning what I need to learn and making the money I need to make are of more importance.
      • That which betters me, and helps me help my family and others, is of utmost importance. I want to be the best I can be for my ultimate goal of having a self-sustaining charitable-community/company to better this world in the name of the Divine.
    • I know God supports my end desire, and so he supports my steps to getting there, Everything will come in proper timing and easily for me to acknowledge and carry out. The divine, the universe will provide if I trust.
  3. My vision for my relationship and family is:
    • I love my husband, and want to do better at showing it. He deserves that, because he has given everything he could to me. He has given me the best of himself repeatedly over the last 14 years, and literally saved my life more times than I can count. The challenges I see him face, I know well and I wish more than anything that we both could feel adequate in our familial roles.
    • I still want family- bigger and more supportive than just my husband is able to accomplish. I think it would go a long ways to helping us both feel more adequate, enabling us to relax into knowing there are more hands and more dollars to spare. I know that the people we have attempted that with had similar wishes and desires, but for many reasons not needing stated here, it just didn’t work.
      • I look forward to finding the people that do fit our needs, mesh with us optimally, and have the same desires, and hold the same level of flexibility and forgiveness for general lapses on anyone’s part. We’re all in this game called life, learning how to get through, and mistakes will get made, none of them are the end of the world, but that has to be acknowledged on all sides. The ball can and will get dropped, but someone has to be willing to pick up the pieces and help to put them back together. That is family. Sticking together and helping each other pull up even in adversity, knowing that acting in the good of the family will eventually pay off in furthering the success of the family- be it more love, happiness, success, or prosperity.
        • Sometimes being selfish means finding a way to align your needs with a greater cause. (Kill two birds with one stone, so to speak). I’d love to have a family full of people that can do that.
    • I want to spend more time with my children and have days off, while still making more than enough.
      • As I’ve said several times I would go nuts if I just stayed home with kids, that is my version of aligning selfishness with working for the greater good. Right now that means working 7 days a week and having every evening to be with kids. However, I would love to get to a point in my wage earnings that I could comfortably work 4- 10 hour days and have part or all of the other 3 for kids, I think that is my happy medium-nearly ideal. Because, right now I work 6-10 hour days with a 7th shorter one, and I still count my blessings for the evenings I spend with them, but do get down for wishing I had more time with them. I also tend to have a shorter fuse when I work too many hours, so 4 long days is more manageable than 6 long days.
      • Ultimately that means higher dollar per hour wages and having to let go of something somewhere. God/the universe will help me straighten that one out in time.
    • More cuddle time, and more fun time. This links back to both bettering my relationship with Nathan, and with the kids, and with finding family. It’s hard to do if there’s no time left to do it. My time equation is out of balance at the moment, but when alignment is found, my time equation will balance with time for fun family activities and time for cuddling everyone. I look forward to that.
    • I want my kids to look back on their childhood and remember the good things and fun times, and realize that I overcame challenges and adversity to help our family have better.
    • I want them to know I ended up being a positive influence in their lives.

And with that I have completed chapter 7 of “The Energy Bus” 17 more chapters to catch up by Tuesday…. if there are more exercises to write down, you’ll get another post from me. Thank you for being patient with me when I’m down, and thank you for reading my blog. I really appreciate the support knowing that there are people out there that find my words at least interesting enough to check in occasionally, and the occasional comment lets me know that my process is helping others at times. For that I am utterly grateful.

Wishing I was a better translator.

I’ve come to the conclusion that many of my messages the last couple of years were merely the other-side or divine saying hi, a few were actually ‘heads up’ type messages of events that did occur (though clarity only came in hindsight), and the last group I can only speculate. So there in lies where I wish I was a better translator.

I’m beginning to think though that many of them must have been either metaphor or bait.

There were many thoughts, dreams, etc. about “the boy” & his wife that I’ve decided must have been metaphor. I simply can’t find any other way to make sense of them at this point. I also have come to the conclusion that the whole situation must be the divines’ sense of humor providing bait. Which I’m not sure whether to be annoyed or amused over that.

On one hand it really got my hopes up, to have much of what I hoped just fizzle and disappear. At least it seems as such at this time.

Yet, it provided a long needed distraction from the challenges of life and at the same time enabled me to be in a state of much greater allowing for the better part of 2 years. I felt appreciated, I felt attractive again, I felt like my dreams were not just OK to talk about, but something actually worth believing in and sharing. I enjoyed the feeling of connection- especially the energy flow, I enjoyed quality new “getting to know someone” conversations. I was mostly happy despite still being in much less than ideal physical situations. I felt like I was able to express myself to someone new & different, but someone that still cared. It definitely helped me to see some of my own positive qualities. When I think back there are lots of good feelings that were conjured.

So from the law of attraction standpoint it was essentially a good thing regardless. I can even see how some of the small things I’d talked about in that time with him have manifested, which does make me feel excitement for what else might also be working on manifesting.

I even found a place of love for essentially what was a stranger, and one that wasn’t even completely honest with me. I’m not so naive to think he was perfectly truthful, but I somehow could sense (when I knew he was lying about something) that ultimately he’d reasoned it was needed. In the way that kids think it’ll keep them safe or somehow reduce consequences. I had a sense that really he was a good person, albeit a little confused or split in his desires, and in attempting to reconcile that split, he hid things. It didn’t help I knew I was providing a whole new perspective from his that probably challenged and even shattered some of his beliefs or views. So, ultimately, even though he’s moved on, I still hold love and wish only the best for him, occasionally saying a prayer that he might figure out how to reconcile his desires and find his happiness.

Abraham Hicks & Christ both say we’re supposed to be able to do that with everyone in our experience. I’ve yet to only find that capacity with a few people in my life. Maybe this situation has helped me to figure out how to make it easier to apply to more people. It’s worth a try.

Regardless, what I started with him, continued for a while with Hannah-at least before moving in, chaos, and baby’s birth put it on the sidelines. We 4 (including Nathan) share similar goals, so close it’s uncanny. There is definitely a lot of overlap. Nathan thinks it’s amazing, I consider it wonderful. I wish there were more of us to put action to the dreams. Yet, any way I look at that fact, I come up thinking: hopefully one of us figures out how to make it happen.

So I’ll close with what Hannah and I talked about last, before baby came into the world.

We had talked about the big dome. How she’d always thought of one style of earth home construction, and my showing her pictures of monolithic domes enabled her to see they have a similar look and feel, but are more stable, energy efficient, and more secure long term. We talked of things we had thought about for inside the home and considerations for how many people/ rooms to contemplate, & how family would function.

We talked about greenhouses and how similar our desires were in that regard too.

We even spoke of where this Atira concept might happen. I told her I’d thought Colorado might be a good place and my reasoning, but that I really didn’t know anything about the physicality of where in that state. Then in looking at my old artwork she noticed I’d used the same mountains in many of my images. I explained I didn’t really know where those mountains were, just that I’d found a magazine clipping of them years ago I’d liked and kept using it. She was confident it was very similar to some in the “garden of the gods” area, and proceeded to tell me about that part of Colorado, being that it’s one of her favorite areas in all the places she’s been.

All around it was a very feel good conversation, and reminded me of the many other good conversations with the boy, and early in mine and Nathan’s relationship.

To that end I did sketches of the dome to share with Hannah. So I’ll share them here too:

& once we started moving in, she insisted my painting of Atira get hung in the kitchen where everyone frequents. I appreciate that a lot, it helps.

I hope we all figure out how to be better translators and more loving to others in our world, and maybe, just maybe, one day, there will be many Atiras all over the world. That would be wonderful.

Wishes and Dreams

Today the work theater presents “The Greatest Showman”. I’m only 15min into my resident-sitting-movie-gig, and it’s a reminder of the threads that have kept me going. My wishes and dreams.

It seems that my wishes and dreams may be working their way into reality. That reversie card I wrote about, may be finally at play.  It seems the messages from the divine (or simply the other side) are getting louder.

The last week brought messages from my friend’s late uncle about her grandfather’s ill health. He worked very hard to warn her using me as the middle woman. It took days to figure out because I knew they were messages, but it wasn’t until I started showing her pictures of the messages that she put the pieces together. She’d sent me a copy of a picture of the uncle to show me who was communicating, and later in the evening his picture (on my phone) opened itself right as she was being informed grandpa was being taken to the ER.  It was eerie, but fascinating validation. Luckily by morning she learned that grandpa had a very treatable temporary setback. He’d be okay.

That was in the midst of finishing my portion of my taxes to get them turned into my accountant. I really hope she’s able to work the same magic as years before, because between baby and moving we’ll really need a decent return.

Speaking of moving, that’s part of the reversie card. 

We never did find an adequate yet affordable home. However, my friend (Hannah) with the talkative deceased uncle, has offered their home, and to simply split the existing costs. 

We’ve been friends for several years, but lately we’ve discovered how intensely we share goals, hopes, dreams, skills, preferences, and even health challenges. We grok each other, an understanding on a deeper level. We’ve gotten very close, and I feel like she’s family in my heart. So, when they offered their home, and even to help make necessary adjustments to accommodate us, I couldn’t say no. I feel like it’s an honor to have her support and love. I can’t see the full puzzle being put together yet, but definitely feel like she’s a very important piece, and one I’m glad to call family. I definitely feel my heart blossoming and growing with more love for a greater family than I could have imagined. 

I’ve shared with her my thoughts on all my previous messages and including the picture with the elephant figurines and the happenings with the boy, and she is in agreement. She agrees that he’ll eventually return and I just need patience and to keep my hopes and dreams alive. 

What’s more is what she’s found in helping prep for our full move in. She’s found her bulbs of the ‘Lily of India’-5 of them, she’d already planned on planting them, but they’d already begun to sprout in the cellar storage. 

Then there was the elephants her grandmother played with as a child. She knew they existed, but as she was sorting belongings she found them, 5 to be exact.

It gives me goose bumps and spine shivers every time another sign like that shows itself. It’s validation that I’m not crazy and that at least some things I see are indeed messages. I look forward to seeing the full manifestation of all of these divine signposts. To that end I keep repeating “my miracle is on its way, just keep believing”.

It was one such moment that I realized the car in front of me had a plate that said “4SHIV”. I snapped a picture and sent it to Nathan and Hannah to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating. (I’d put it here, but I don’t have their permission and the photo would give away their state which could jeopardize their personal information.) Regardless, both Nathan and Hannah validated it very much said what I thought, and we all had an OMG’s moment. I pointed out, there was enough characters for the A on the end of Shiva. I was left with a strong sense it had to be for me because the shortened version isn’t commonly used here.

 It was very much a perfect alignment of astronomical odds that I know was a message for me from the divine. For that I am forever grateful. It’s those seemingly small kernels that mean massive amounts to me and help me get through this chaotic time of 3rd trimester diet craziness, moving, working an insane amount, squeezing in taxes, and then doing my best to have at least a few minutes of quality time with my kids before falling over from fatigue each night. It will all be worth it when my growing family is using our miracle to build Atira.

I very much look forward to that. Those will be wonderful days.

Must keep dreaming!

Since I have nothing positive to say about my current reality, I’m going to ostrich. Or is it put my head in the clouds? Either way, I’m sure as heck doing everything I can to pretend reality doesn’t exist for as long as it takes to write this. Maybe a while longer.

My grand dreams, even though they still seem so far out of reach, I know they are worthwhile.

I dream of a big spacious dome home, indestructible and energy efficient, safe and comfortable for my big chosen extended family. Next to a dome greenhouse big enough to feed us year round, and even have some leftover to share with those that need it.

That big family, I’ve been unable to stop contemplating since the boy and the possibility of his wife entered my awareness nearly 2 years ago. It doesn’t help that the universe is feeding those thoughts with thousands of references to him and related things, which I know mean something, just not what.

For instance this picture:

I encountered this at one of the Sprouts stores we frequent. The elephants were a broken incence holder, I’m assuming an employee arranged them with the other elements, but I never did ask. I only knew it was synchronicity which I knew meant something for me. The panda, I associate with Anya. The dragon, I associate with my fire baby Ian. That’s 2 of 4 little objects, plus 5 larger elephants. I can’t help but turn that into 5 adults and 4 children, it’s just what my brain wants to do, and I have to be honest, it’s a very happy making thought for me.

Where I get lost in “what if’s” is in the vagueness. I see 2 amorphous kids (the pebbles) and knowing now that I’m pregnant with just one, I’m wondering where the other is. I then think there are 5 elephants while the 2 are still pebbles. Where are the other 3 adults that show up before my current baby is no longer amorphous? The only ones I would accept as family that quickly, seem to have made it clear to me it’s not really a possibility. But that takes a step back in reality. So I’ll dream that things suddenly  change and those I love are suddenly not just available, but willing to take a polyamorous leap with me and Nathan. Maybe that’s what the green reversie card means.

I would love to have that family: 5 adults, 4 kids, in a big comfy dome home, each with their own room. It’d be even more wonderful to have that dome home in Colorado or Oregon or Washington- near mountains, and with enough resources to start building Atira. Now that’s a happy dream.

I dream of lots of things that make me happy. Equality, acceptance, love, peace, and most of all happiness. They are all ideals, but ones I’d  love to see physically manifested in my life. Yet, the key to that is healing my brain. Also another wonderful  dream, and one that actually is in reach. I’m getting there, just not there yet, and I’ve got no idea how much  longer it’ll take. One day maybe soon. It’s nice to think that my brain will work right all the time and I’ll really find happiness.

Circling around to family in domes building Atira; I think how wonderful it would be to have kids learning and growing in nature, yet with the resources to acknowledge it’s a comfortable choice. Reminding them it’s not forced out of necessity, that they could do anything else they wanted. A perfect blending of modern comforts and natural world relaxation. That would be nice too.

I want my kids to know they could have anything, but learn to say I don’t need it.  I think it’s the lesson I’ve been chasing all my life, because I was raised to believe everything I really wanted was just out of reach. Perhaps I’ll really learn it when I’ve healed my brain.

I want my kids to play, and have fun, and still learn the basics for getting through life. Something that’s completely attainable with enough loving attention. 

Beyond that there are thousands of tiny dreams. Like, hopefully having a pond with a canoe and paddle boat,  wanting a small playground/swing-set like many families do. Wanting a hot-tub and nice pool ( although as I’ve said before I know the pool is a pure luxury and fairly low on my list). It’d be nice to have a couple of riding horses (I know Anya would love it). I’d  love to have bunks in the kid’s rooms so they can have friends over regularly. I do want my kids, and family in general to be technologically literate so more than one good computer would be helpful.

 Oh, there so many more, but those seem like the important ones. I have ideas about furniture and storage/organizational space, my ideal kitchen (which other than needing to accommodate lots of people, is otherwise fairly normal), things I’d like to have for ambiance and relaxation, and ideals for cleanliness and upkeep.

The trick here though is convincing myself that these are tangible possibilities, and not just the proverbial wet-dream. I really hope all the visions I’ve had, all the clues I see, are real. That the divine really is doing its best to help me heal and find my way to these dreams. I hesitate in believing not because of a lack of faith, I’ve experienced enough to know, I’ve felt the divine in action. No, I hesitate out of a fear that my brain is now playing different tricks on me, and it’s all false, and eventually I’ll realize all of that, and feel hurt again. My fear is the reason my faith falters, but knowledge is power.

 So now, when I realize I’m feeling that fear, I tell myself the inner truths I do know & believe. My hope is that it is enough for now, that it will get me through and over this hump. That perhaps it’ll help push my cart  over the hill and toward much, much better days. Sending love to those I miss, and hoping for brighter days.

Business is booming- in my brain!

This week beyond thinking about my rebirthing experiences, I’ve been contemplating my Elder Care Massage business, and our Atira goals, especially how they might coincide.

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It really did throw me a bit when I had the conversation with the other massage therapist. I knew she was working on retiring when the referral was given to her by a person I work with. I had no idea though that it would end up resulting in me being the only therapist in the metro doing this line of work. I just assumed there was still a handful of us doing geriatric massage, and that this therapist might not even have to give me her building, that it could have gone to someone else. I’ve been enjoying relishing in the fact that I have a monopoly on such endeavors, even making it a point to tell others my/her discovery.

In the process I have spent a significant amount of time contemplating what it is I like about what I do, and what the downfalls of such work is. I have to say that I always come up with more bonuses than negatives. I have thought about what the steps might look like in moving from sole proprietor to a full fledged business with employees doing the same work. It does seem a bit daunting, but contemplating that process does get me a bit excited, in the realm of I could potentially build a significant business that would be the first of it’s kind. I could end up, long term, being the first Massage-Envy-like business that solely travels to provide elder/geriatric care. Which, even if it wasn’t a huge dollar producer, just having that niche market would be a success.

In the process of acknowledging this possibility, I’ve clarified things that would need to happen.


 

One being that Kansas, as well as a few other states, need to be required to have reciprocity laws. Right now there are not many metro areas that fall on state lines, but every one that does creates a complicated situation.

For instance when I first started working as a Massage Therapist I worked in the Council Bluffs/Omaha area. Nebraska had stricter regulations than Iowa by 200 hours, not a huge amount, but they would not allow therapists to add on, a therapist would have to start over with their education to meet Nebraska laws. I fell in the middle having more hours than Iowa required, but just shy of what Nebraska wanted. Nebraska also refused to honor Iowa licensure, even though Iowa would accept Nebraska licensure. So, I was relegated to staying on the Council Bluffs side, which had a notoriously low economic base with high unemployment and vast areas of poverty. It was not a pretty employment picture and one that ended hazardously for me.

When we moved to the Kansas City metro I was faced with a similar picture. Missouri is state licensed; Kansas is not. Each individual city on the Kansas side of the line can have it’s own licensing requirements. What is interesting to note here is that nearly all of the regulations for all of the cities are the same, with a very small handful of exceptions (like Shawnee doesn’t require a license if you work under doctor or chiropractic supervision). The difference lies mainly in the amount that is charged for a therapist license and what determines if they are also going to charge you for having a separate business license. I know this because I have held a license through 4 cities and contemplated another 3 cities, and there are only 9 on the Kansas side of the metro. They all require 500 hours &/or Board certification, CPR/AED certification, to carry liability insurance, and pass their police background check. I have 800 hours, I am nationally certified, keep my CPR and insurance current, and have a record so clean I used to carry a government “Classified” clearance.

So, I can step back and acknowledge 2 things:

-Licensure is supposedly in place to create safety through knowledge. Acknowledging training and board ethics is important: it keeps clients safe from bad practices and it reduces risks of sexual activity in a therapy setting.

-Licensure allows for taxation of the licensed party. If one city can offer a license and background check for $85 (Shawnee), then there is no reason that other cities charge more except to make money off of someone.

Where this gets my goat, and the reason why it needs changed, is that if I can meet the standards for all of the cities in the metro, then there should never be a fear of being caught “without a license” because I crossed an imaginary line (city boundary). Yet that is a very real reality. If you don’t carry a license for every city you work in, you can currently be prosecuted for working without a license, and if found guilty it can prevent you from ever being licensed again. Yet, I’ve already demonstrated that I have the education and physical ability to carry any license in the KC metro. So what does it boil down to?

Money.

I have chosen to not carry every license consecutively because it would cost me nearly $3,000 a year to do so, and if you’ve read my blog you would understand how ludicrous that is. I gross $33,000 a year, that is a 10% local tax, on top of state and federal tax.  My AGI falls closer to $16,000 with mileage and business expenses, so now that $3,000 becomes a 20% local tax on top of state and federal taxes. I count that separately because paying Massage License tax (fees they call them) happens directly at a city clerk and never makes it onto my tax return except where I can note business licensing as an expense.

What I’m going to say next might piss some off, but I’m gonna anyway.

If you required that same process of Doctors, Lawyers, Engineers, IT professionals, or any one of another high salary positions, it would not fly. The second a lawyer faced 20% local taxes on top of their regular state and federal taxes, bills would be created and laws would change. Yet, massage therapists, aestheticians, and cosmetologists regularly face just that through the risks inherent in failing to carry multiple city licenses when a state doesn’t require reciprocity. The lowest income, and generally female held, positions are the ones penalized the most. That screams discrimination to me.

Yet, it has nothing to really do with safety. There have been and will continue to be all manner of “professionals” that lose their jobs, and often licenses for having sexual relations in their office. I’ve noted in just the last year, dentists, Md’s, and psychologists that have gotten in trouble just for that very reason. I know that CEO’s and upper-management also experience abuse of power through sex, and are quietly asked to leave their positions. It may not be frequent, but it is frequent enough that if that were really the only reason for the licensing requirements like I deal with, then the same licensing procedures would apply to all professions. It’s simply not the case.

I believe that really, it is old biased thinking that created outdated and ludicrous laws, and those in power are simply too lazy and blinded by dollar signs to care about changing it.

So full circle: IF (a huge IF), I decided to take my job and turn it into a full fledged business with multiple employees, I would have to take that on. I would have to figure out a way to mandate at least Kansas and Missouri to have reciprocity laws in place. Further yet, if I plan on building my business to have multiple locations in the future, it is likely that I would need to do that for any state I functioned out of. Better yet, I would want all states to have reciprocity laws. There is no reason that a therapist should have to carry multiple licenses consecutively. If doctors and lawyers don’t have to, then neither should massage therapists or any other profession. There should be a blanket acceptance that if a professional met the requirements to hold a license, especially one that requires repeat renewals, and background checks, then that license should be good regardless of the location of their works activities.

Now reciprocity laws are specifically designed to address traveling professionals- that is people that technically have one source of employment, but multiple locations where the physical work is completed (roofers, traveling nurses, hospice works, etc.) Reciprocity does not count in a professional moving or taking a new job (i.e. I used to live in Iowa and my Iowa license is still good, but now I live and work in Kansas)- in that situation any professional still requires new licensing. So, if my business ends up having multiple locations in multiple states, I would still need multiple business licenses, that is natural. I just want to ensure that my therapists would only need one license, and I could still send them to multiple buildings regardless of where those buildings were physically located. That is the goal of reciprocity laws.



Another thing I have been actively working on the last couple of weeks has been researching grants to see if I, or my massage business, or Atira might qualify for grants that are currently available. I’m discovering there is a lot of free money to be found. However, most of the results I’m finding so far are either directly research related, for the purpose of promoting hiring diversity, or location specific. For instance I found grants for diversity building in cooperation with one of our consulate locations in Japan. Cool but not helpful to me. The search will continue, there are thousands of grants just through the United States government to wade through. Maybe I’ll find a good one!


 

So finally, how does all of this wrap together with Atira?

Well I thought about things that we want to do, how my massage practice has always been a part of that. I think this really is just another avenue to explore. but it led me to thinking about names, and how businesses can be subdivided. I thought more specifically about my ideas, and inspiration began flowing. Mostly with names and building my website. Which, by the way, I have put adjusting my current website on my new priority list.

Anyway, here were my inspirations (FYI- I consider this to be copyrights as my blog is part of me and my arts):

For Elder Care Massage-

name: Atira ReLive

sub-title: Helping our elders find comfort and peace through Relaxation and DeStress.

I thought that this provided just enough ambiguity that I could incorporate art and music therapies into the list of services offered by our traveling therapists.

I also contemplated naming the parts of Atira as a whole:

Atira Group: where I am at now, already a registered name with my EIN attached, represents my business umbrella.

Atira Community: Honestly I’m stuck at coming up with a more creative name for this one!

Atira Arts: Studio and Gallery: Atira In the Making, and Atira’s Hung…. I’m not sure Nathan will like the latter one!

Atira Cafe: Une Boisson D’Atira … you know like the french phrase for a drink of water- une boisson d’eau.

Atira Restaurant: Graze on Atira… that came from my mom referencing vegetarians as grazers.

Festivals: Atira Explorations… I’m not sure I’ve convinced myself of that one. I was going for the feel of playing, having fun, enjoyment. Needs some work.

And the store… I’ve got little nothing inspired for that yet.

 

Regardless, I have miles to go, I’m still just scratching the surface of getting started. The difference is that this topic interests me and excites me. Even if I don’t have any tangible evidence of manifesting it, I’m still enjoying it. Thinking about the millions of details is fun. Trying to be creative is even more fun. I’m going to keep doing all of it, while I function in my current constructs. Life keeps rolling, and I’m going with the flow now. It’s nice. Perhaps, I’ll find the magic grant that will launch part of this, or maybe even all of this. Perhaps I’ll win the lottery and will be able to put it all into effect soon. I just don’t know, but I’m doing my best to look forward and keep positive while trudging through the current mess I’m still wading in. Somehow, somewhere, a way will be made for improvement, and September is still significant from what I can tell, just not sure how or why.

Anomaly and contemplation of locations

Yesterday evening’s trip to the ER is definitely some kind of fluke anomaly.  I had an adjustment this morning,  and with the exception of a lingering headache,  I’ve been completely normal all day. So, I have no idea the exact cause of the anomaly,  but I’m glad I’m healthy and I now know that for certain.

Since today is going as well as the last several have,  I thought I’d write a little about my thoughts on the location of Atira. 

It’s been on my mind a lot lately,  one of many aspects of Atira I’ve been considering  as I gain positive thought momentum. Essentially, I’ve been taking elements of our original dream and picking at them to see if they still resonate and seem valid.  This means that I’m really just solidifying what it is that I want.  So for this moment I’m detailing the location and land desires.

What Nathan and I have always envisioned is large acreage: approximately 300 acres give or take a little bit.  This choice is based on land that we’ve been on ranging from 7 acres to 35 acres to 280 acres. Out of the different places we’ve been we like the bigger properties better when thinking about building Atira. It allows for the most flexibility in property planning,  but also means that we could spread things out to allow for nature to be present all around the different parts of Atira, something we feel strongly about.  We want to build around natural elements with minimal cutting of vegetation.

Beyond that we’ve always seen and felt that Atira was near mountains.  Close enough to see them (& get to them easily),  but far enough out that there would be fewer steep grades, and ample crop acreage. 

I have always desired that Atira be in a more liberal area.  Focusing on openness and more accepting attitudes, as in one of the states that pioneered LGBT marriage. Along those lines are locations where cannabis is beginning to be legalized, which I’ve desired to capitalize on that as an investment and possible profit producer.  It could potentially not just keep Atira afloat in the short term, but could potentially enable expansion and/or multiple locations in the long run. Essentially allowing for growth and more assistance to those that need it.

Nathan and I talked about being near the ocean,  and though it would be nice,  it’s less important to us.

I’ve thought about mountains in sunny climates,  and that would be wonderful for my depression concerns. However, those climates don’t always have the draw for younger populations, tending  to be snow bird retirees as the predominant populous, especially where spending money is concerned. My concern there is that the snow bird populous tends to be conservative and often has strong negative opinions toward any kind of welfare or charity programs. I think it would be counter productive to the goals of Atira to be surrounded by that mindset.

I have also thought of concerns regarding maximizing tourist base. If Atira was centrally located (or as close as possible to that)  it would be an applicable tourist location for nearly all of the U.S. vs. Being on one cost or another would limit or reduce the reach Atira might have.

Finally,  from my experiences I’ve decided it would be optimal to be about 30 min outside of a metro area, especially one with an airport. That puts the property far enough out to find peace and quiet,  but close enough to have relatively easy access to all of the perks of a metro.

When putting all of these factors together I keep circling back to being in Colorado. We’ve really liked the idea of Washington state or Oregon for a long time,  but the lack of tourist centrality makes those 2 states less desirable.  I’ve also been informed that those two states tend to be very high cost of living (Colorado is high,  but not as high). I’ve contemplated states like West Virginia, Kentucky, & the Carolinas, but from experience I know that they are conservative areas and also not cannnabis legal yet.  I’ve contemplated New Mexico & even Hawaii & ruled them out for similar reasons, Hawii is the most tempting of the ruled out though, for obvious reasons.  For now though my sights seem to be set on Colorado, I just keep circling back to it meeting nearly all of the goals/ideals we have listed.  My biggest roadblock to committing to Colorado right now is that I’ve never been there, I have no idea where to start, and I don’t really know what’s available. So, I really just need to do more research before we commit to moving there anytime soon, or even not so soon.

It’s a start though.  I really look forward to figuring things out and seeing the process unfold.  For now,  it seems I’m being told to get the family current passports. Hopefully that means an excellent exotic adventure vacation awaits us in the near future!