Tag Archives: awareness

Under heavy artillery fire.

That song came on this afternoon after a fast helped me pull up some. It felt appropriate.

If others’ thoughts were weapons of mass destruction, I’m under direct attack of heavy artillery fire. Most don’t even know they’re doing it, so it’s not maliciously directed at me, but the damage is just the same.

My armor took a direct hit when I gave up (a few posts ago will clear that up) and made food choices that were far less than ideal. Because I haven’t overcome the paradigm of “____ foods are bad for me”, the giving up caused a system crash. For you see, a human brain is like the computer and the engine of a car put together, and poor food choices classically hamper its function for me. (Makes me want to write a tangent post.) Brain function was further impacted by a night of terrible sleep likely caused by my friend going through cancer treatment. I went to tell her of my poor sleep and she had nearly the exact same pattern. She didn’t cause it on purpose, and I didn’t pick up on her on purpose, my system was already compromised.

At that point all bets were off as to my survival, and the last two days have been sketchy at best. But today’s decision to do a true fast was apparently the appropriate action. My system had all day to process and clear while I worked. This evening I’m finally beginning to feel a little better, though still exhausted.

My brain has been so compromised by the allergic reaction and exhaustion that it was akin to a radio trying to play 6 stations at once, and only one of those was me.

There was the friend, whom is a good person, and would never intentionally cause me grief. However, with her treatment and diagnosis, I’m certain she herself is experiencing grief. She also really just wants to retire and no longer be responsible for others. She also really wishes she was recognized for her knowledge and abilities more. All of those sentiments were in my thoughts the last two days, and repeatedly.

Then there is Autumn, because I’m helping her and also because I had a long visit with her in the hospital, she broke through my damaged armor. All of the things that we have in common for mental battles had surfaced for me over the two days in question. I’ve also had a massively painful experience in my body, and the worst locations mirror locations she has had her surgeries on, or where the infection is still causing problems. I suspect it’s merely a combination of my allergic reaction and her woes being in my awareness.

The other biggie is my digital-stalker father from those few posts back. I jinxed myself by commenting that I must have gotten my point across because there hasn’t been any hits from him on here, or energetically. Then he visited again sometime after midnight last night. See he thinks he’s got software that shows him browsing from all over the world, except that I get one or two hits from China followed by the familiar 1-ton wave of negativity from childhood. His wave is so intense I can’t fight it, but I nearly always know it’s him fairly quickly. It comes with thoughts of wanting to die, but more of self-hatred. I know they are his logically, but my radio tuner turns them into sounding like they’re mine, the wording is always from the perspective of the self. When I was little I didn’t understand that, so I genuinely thought they were mine, right up until I moved away from home and it eased significantly. He’s right and taught me so well what to believe that I’m not sure I’ll ever completely eliminate the bad programming. I’ll never be good enough, I’m not strong enough, I’m not attractive enough. I can’t fix anything, and can’t do anything right. No one likes/loves me. I’m alone, I have no friends, I’m worthless. There is no reason for my existence, and for the life of me I don’t know why I’m here. Those all cycled through my thoughts heavily last night and today, before my system finally began to clear out.

If I could do one thing, it would be to create indestructible armor for my brain, against my father’s thoughts. At this point though I’m trying to just find my standard low grade intrusion level.

The other two stations that played were harder to figure out, probably because they were being drown out by the last 3.

One I think was the guy that I fancy, and for whatever stupid reason wish he would come around and tell me he cares. When I’m not inundated, that connection usually causes me to feel a mix of regret, apology, desire, and thoughts about needing to prove myself more. With all the rest going on the last two days, I only got the regret.

The last station in the mix was too garbled to really distinguish, but I suspect it could have been a client, or my far away lost love. It was just enough to make everything that much more confusing and difficult to process.

I know everyone saw my struggles and I know that at least a couple of my co-workers were really concerned. I wanted to reach out, but didn’t feel like anyone would fully understand, or really know how to help me. I just did my best to stay as clean as possible. Yesterday, the fatigue won and I ate crappy mass produced cookies. Today, I just kept coaxing myself, and save for some super clean vegan-allergy-free carob-chips early in the day, I didn’t eat anything at all. It’s now 6pm and my tummy only acknowledged a need to eat because I’m writing about not having done so.

I’m hoping that a clean dinner and some really good sleep will cure the rest of my ailments. However, the body aches are still pretty intense, so I may need to do some heavy mechanical work to regain full functionality.

I’m just glad that I managed to fast my way out of that mess.

May you have moments of clarity. May you find relief. May you understand the mechanics behind your current experience. May you see how to correct things efficiently. May you always have exactly what you need and be able to maintain high vibration/frequencies. May only Good thoughts fill your awareness. May you know how to purge any negativity in your experience and may you know how to shield yourself from repeat experiences. May you know that God really does love and support you.

Siva Hir Su

Keeping my word: update 2

*image sourced from Pexels library, is not Atutmn*

My visit with Autumn in the hospital was very good and very needed. She is a beautiful woman that has been hurt many times in her life, and in horrible atrocious ways. I think more than anything that is her biggest hurdle to being well.

I took her a $15 orchid from Hy-Vee (midwestern grocery chain). She cried because they were beautiful and unexpected.

She cried several times, because she explained that she honestly had a wary reaction to our offer to help, along the lines of: ‘what do they want from me’.

It took me explaining my journey with mental health caused by thyroid disease (which I now know probably has it’s root cause in a chronic viral infection) and how much I have had to go through and deal with and figure out on my own. I explained that when I begged God to help me pull up and fix everything, that I had promised to return the favor to others, and she was simply my first encounter to fit the bill.

I also explained to her that for both mine and Nathan’s hospital stays 8 and 10 years ago, there was no one that helped us navigate those times. I simply said “everyone needs someone sometimes, and Nathan and I didn’t have that someone when we needed it, so when I realized she didn’t have anyone, I was determined to be there for her”. She cried again.

We connected on similar childhood journeys and the battle with depression, including many of the symptoms that leave a person feeling crazy and like no one understands. She was amazed when to her comment of “sometimes the world seems so flat and two dimensional”, my response was “like everything looks like cardboard cutouts, like paper dolls”. I explained that I now know that is a symptom of brain swelling combined with exhaustion, your brain literally compresses your view into a more easily processed flattened image, it helps conserve energy and enables processing when the physical structure of the brain is literally under pressure. I told her my last bout of that was when the virus flared 3 weeks ago, and it made driving home very difficult. She cried again, and I cried too.

She was so relieved that someone really truly understood what she was going through. That she wasn’t alone and that there was hope. I told her I’m not perfect, I still have bad days and fall downs, but I will take my occasional fails over the constant struggle of years and years past. I reassured her it isn’t the easiest fix, and can be really hard to maintain, but is totally worth it. She wanted to live to try, and that is huge.

She has had a much harder adult life than I have and that led to some of her current woes. The infection itself started when a drug dealer abducted her and forceably shaved her with a dirty razor. That was the precipitating event that was ended with a police standoff and her being admitted to hospital care. That was one of many horrendous stories she shared with me and Nathan. My heart goes out to her, no one ever deserves to be treated like that.

Regardless, I promised her that I knew several things we could try if she made it out of the hospital. Things that would help with her depression and possibly other health concerns that have been sidelined by trauma and the MRSA infection. Even some techniques that combined with her psychiatric care might help release some of the traumas’ damage. I will not replace the pros, merely supplement.

I also told her if I had known about her job loss, I could have helped with that too, but now we’ll have to wait for her to get better. See, like me she was working with an elderly woman doing home health. Where I go and come from several people, she had one lady that she worked with all the time and that lady had passed away causing her to lose her source of income. I told her that I am connected to the elder care network in this city so well, that if I had known I could have found her work quickly. She cried more.

She was simply overwhelmed that Nathan and I are so willing to help her in what seems to her as huge ways. She said “To think I went to a cafe so many years ago to read a book to escape my father’s abuse.” I told her “I know, sometimes you never know when you meet someone as to what it will mean later”.

Please do keep sending prayers. I may have given her just enough of a nudge of encouragement for her to pull through, but only time and God will tell.


On another note, a friend of ours from college, living in Iowa, is going through a rough journey as well. He could also use prayers. He has more of a support network, but he has small children like me and as you’ll see below and equally scary prognosis as Autumn.

These are challenging times, and the virus of the news is really the least of the problems. The news still wants you to think it is the worst, but I really don’t think it is. I keep reminding people that if someone has health problems slowly taking their lives and corona polishes them off, then corona gets the sole blame. I will not be one bit surprised if at the end of the year, the heart disease, cancer, and other death stats are far lower than they typically trend. It’s how they are padding numbers to make the stats scary.

Beyond that, we are experiencing a global shift and the survivors will be the ones that take care of themselves, but also help humanity find oneness and healing.

If you get stuck in fear, anger, or divisiveness it will likely cause you much more immediate problems. The more time you spend in negative thought patterns, the more likely you will suffer and may not survive. I know this is my biggest challenge, but it really is for everyone, especially with the external input we have available at this time.

You must honor yourself and your needs as much as you are able. You must quiet the mind as much as you are able. You must look for your inner being as much as you are able. And when all else fails look for the flowers or cute kids or adorable animals to distract yourself and find moments of positivity. It is difficult, and I too struggle to do so at times, but coming together and aiming for positive solutions is the main solution for everything.

I half want to write a post expounding on why medicine is scared over this or any virus (the lack of post-contraction treatment beyond symptom relief); but I halfway don’t, because it would cause me to focus on things that piss me off and which I have no solution for personally. I want medicine to solve the problem, but acknowledge there are mechanisms far beyond my control preventing the corporate desire to want the ability to cure chronic viral infections.

I know focusing on that topic for too long would be detrimental to me. I may still work on that post a little at a time. It needs pointed out and expounded on, but if I am to do that I will have to do so in manageable ways that help maintain my own energetically-sovereign-self. We shall eventually see if I can do it or not.

May you find ways to maintain your energetically-sovereign-self and stay buoyant in these challenging times. May you take care of yourself enough to survive the shift. May you see ways to help others do the same. May we all reach for oneness and helping humanity progress for the better. May you see the value of acceptance of others and oneness, and thus enable humanity to improve and survive the shift as a collective. If you are certain it is your time to go, and none of this is possible for you, then may you have the easiest quickest gentlest transition possible. May we all know that God loves and supports all of us and wants all of humanity to grow in positive ways. May you see that God really wants us to genuinely care about those around us, regardless of blood ties or any other superficial ties. May you share the light that helps us all get through our days just a bit easier.

Siva Hir Su

Not always a woman.

Mom visiting brought with it a revival of music we enjoyed together when I was a child. Pandora was my avenue to access such music easily. We did Beatles radio, Billy Joel radio, and Chieftains radio. It was really good to revive music memories with mom.

One song struck me as I sang the lyrics by heart like I just listened to it last week. Billy Joel’s “Always a Woman to Me” (see YouTube link if unfamiliar).

The lyrics to that song are just in me. Solid. I didn’t even have to think about it, and I haven’t heard that song for probably several years now. I own quite a bit of Billy Joel’s music, but it just hasn’t been in my heavy rotation for a long while.

I realized that the song is two-fold for me. One is that it is how I see my mom. Every line fits her ‘to a T’. She is an amazing being to me, even her faults and shortcomings. I love her very much in all her ways.

Second, the feminine half of me mirrors that. I think it is mostly because of prior thoughts I’ve mentioned, on the fact that I am a blend of my parents, on top of being bisexual. So the feminine half mirrors my mom. Yet, now I wonder. Is it possible that a song so ingrained in my psyche contributed to the development of my character? Is it simply that easy? I owned the lyrics so completely that it contributed to manifesting those traits? I don’t know really. It seems it may have played a part, but I prefer to believe that I felt the song was a good description of mom and I wanted to be like her and be loved that strongly.

The masculine half of me, well that is a whole different story.

Either way, I still love the song to this day, and now I see how it describes me too. I appreciate that immensely.

May you have moments of appreciation for self. May you see mostly good qualities and even love your flaws. May you understand how your life built your self. May you love those things that enabled you to come into your own being. May you appreciate every element of your path of life. May you see that God loves you just the way you are, flaws and all. May you have many manifestations of all of it in the best ways possible.

Siva Hir Su

She can kill with a smile, she can wound with her eyes
She can ruin your faith with her casual lies
And she only reveals what she wants you to see
She hides like a child but she’s always a woman to me
She can lead you to love, she can take you or leave you
She can ask for the truth but she’ll never believe you
And she’ll take what you give her as long as it’s free, Yeah she steals like a thief but she’s always a woman to me
Oh, she takes care of herself, she can wait if she wants
She’s ahead of her time
Oh, she never gives out and she never gives in
She just changes her mind, And she’ll promise you more than the garden of Eden
Then she’ll carelessly cut you and laugh while you’re bleeding
But she brings out the best and the worst you can be, Blame it all on yourself ’cause she’s always a woman to me
Oh, she takes care of herself, she can wait if she wants
She’s ahead of her time
Oh, she never gives out and she never gives in
She just changes her mind, She is frequently kind and she’s suddenly cruel
She can do as she pleases, she’s nobody’s fool
But she can’t be convicted, she’s earned her degree
And the most she will do is throw shadows at you
But she’s always a woman to me

Source: LyricFind