Tag Archives: awareness

The Bus stops at 12 Pillars

If you’re a regular reader, you may remember my posts from reading “The Energy Bus” last Fall in conjunction with my activities job. It was very helpful and good encouragement.

In between we read another book called Soup by the same author Jon Gordon. Also a good read.

Today the universe enabled me to have just barely enough time to read another follow up, provided by the chiropractor at the clinic.

The 12 Pillars by Jim Rohn and Chris Widener

This book was an easy read taking me a little over an hour to complete in between clients. Yet, I found it very helpful and a good reminder.

The 12 Pillars were broken down into a very easy format, and though they covered similar information to other books I had read, a new fresh perspective helps revisit topics that never leave your life.

Here’s the chapter breakdown:

The 2 chapters on relationships were definitely helpful in seeing avenues I can improve, but at the same time validation that steps I had already taken with people in my life were on the right track. I really appreciated the explanation of how to make better strides with a spouse as that is by far my weak spot. Despite loving Nathan very much, I resonated with the train of thought this book was on. It really magnified in a clear way things that I’ve fumbled and how I can make strides for improvement.

I was very glad to see validation of my self-improvement efforts, and also grateful to see I’m on the right path.

There was a recommended reading list in chapter 7 (see below) that I was amazed I’d read several titles in it.

Yes, this self-labeled pagan has read the Bible. Not to memorization level, but enough to know it’s true contents.

I’ve also read numbers 8, 9, 17, and parts of 16, 10, and 7. I admit that even though I do push myself to keep learning and growing: because it is so helpful in leading a positive life; I still fall prey to life’s pitfalls and failed to finish those 3 books. Perhaps this is a reminder to go back and try again. Perhaps that will wait until I finish writing my CEU courses. Only time will tell that!

I would ad to that list “The Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle, “You Can Heal Your Life” by Louise Hay, and several books by Iyanla Vanzant.

I am very goal oriented, and have been slowly working on myself for just shy of a decade. I am going to keep on this path, knowing I’m on my bus, and hope you will join me by reading this particular book.

May you find yourself improving. May you have easy access to helpful information and the tools you seek and need. May you see positive changes in your life, and may you be accepted by those positive people in your experience.

Siva Hir Su

And so it begins…

HAL has begun sending me things to reinforce my last post. One of which is the following:

How to Move On: What It Really Means to Let Go: https://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-move-on-from-the-past-what-it-really-means-to-let-go/

I guess I will never understand fully because letting go and focusing on love seem to be the bigger message. I still wish I had some understanding.

Anyways, in moving on, I had a really good time today with 2 different co-workers during downtime.

I took a walk with the office manager and we had a really great conversation, with some much needed emotional release for both of us. Plus it helped me reach my step goals today. I was very appreciative of that time all around.

I also got to play a couple of games of “Magic the Gathering” with the one chiropractor. It’s a game I used to play with the brother that’s closest to me in age. It has been …. let’s see…. since early 2003 that I’ve played. That’s 16, almost 17, years. Wow!

I still have my cards from back then, but so much has changed that the new decks are much better, so he has been encouraging me to use his. I feel like I’m starting from scratch and completely relearning everything. It’s so fun though. I totally lost big time- on both games, but still enjoyed every bit of it.

I am so out of practice that the strategy feels over my head yet, but I get the concept. The layering of steps and which cards work better in what order can be very complex. I literally had a card in my hand that I’d been holding for several turns, but forgot to leave myself enough mana(land) to use it and it cost me the one game.

I enjoy learning so much though, and it is definitely a fun kind of learning, so it literally made me giddy at one point. I felt like I got silly hyper with the fun. That was a very much needed distraction from my previous focus.

As for learning: I’m still working on hindi and telegu in my spare time, but since I have no idea why God nudged me to do so (especially since I’m letting go of that person) , it’s at a very relaxed pace. I’m getting to where in hindi I can pick out letters and sound out words even though I know very few translations. Telegu I know more translations, but have fewer of the characters memorized. It’s merely a symptom of the different apps and how they teach languages. I like Duolingo and Drops, which both offer hindi, but neither offer telegu. The telegu apps are much less sophisticated, but still get the job done.

I’ve also begun the slow tedious process of becoming an approved continuing education provider for massage therapy. Essentially, the easy part is proving my qualifications to teach a handful of courses by documenting I have so many years working using said techniques, I also have a bachelor’s degree, which though they would prefer it to be related (a BS), it doesn’t hurt. Once I do that easy step, I literally have to follow rules and write my own curriculum which can be no more than 30% cited source material. Finally, once I’ve written everything, I can apply by submitting my CV and courses for approval; of course paying the appropriate exorbitant fees. They really try to dissuade people from becoming providers: can’t have too many teachers and too few students you know!

I’m not intimidated by the process in the least. Their basic calculation is 1200 words equals a credit unit. That’s a blog post for me, so I’m guessing I’ll have more trouble pairing down or figuring out how to subdivide my topics for multiple related courses. However, after having written the operations manual for my previous position, I’m certain I’m up to the task. It’s more about convincing myself to do the free work knowing that eventually I’ll recoup the benefit in paid courses with students in multiplicity.

I’m also contemplating the investment of a site where I can host web-based courses. Essentially, the text/testing coursework can be provided via web interface without practical hands on CE hours. Ultimately that helps spread the information side, but the CMT loses access to the extra CE’s for the hands on practicals. It’s a lower cost solution for both parties, but longterm it would benefit me as the provider more. It’s a huge up front investment, to also have to market like crazy, but longterm reaping significantly higher benefits. Ultimately, it will happen, but I’m not sure I’m ready for the investment side just yet. I’ll contemplate web platforms and do the math several times during my writing phase of this momentous step, and make my final decision during the application process.

Long story short, I’m having fun and learning and inching toward another significant step of improvement. All by my not-so-little own self. I feel like screaming “HA, Take That World!”… but alas I know no one would really truly care anyway. So, I’ll keep my ‘I win’ moment to myself, and relish that I know I’m the only one that gets credit for digging myself out of a decade of hardship…. me and God that is.

May you all have happy dances of overcoming obstacles. May you find kindness around you and moments of connection with others. May you find joy in continually learning and ways to share what you’ve already mastered. May you see God’s grace and support guiding you through all of life’s moments toward brighter futures.

Siva Hir Su

Ripening

I can feel it in the air tonight.

A storm is rolling in, my children are having expansive moments, and I’m fuzzy around the edges: not quite thinking 100% clearly being tired from 12 days of work. I have one day of work to go and beyond being very ready for my day off, I’m aware of a sense of something other than a storm approaching.

In the past, these moments have carried anxiety or a sense of something more intense. At times I’ve used the words: anticipating impending doom. Tonight is different, more reserved, more subtle.

I had a moment of grief at dinner over my probably never coming back SJ. I cried and told Nathan that a heart never forgets having fallen in love. His consolation was that at least I gave the love freely and that has to mean something. He thinks that the divine will send an even better replacement, but I know even the best replacement will not have the exact same feel. That is something I’m just working on coming to terms with.

Ultimately, if there is such an energetic connection and honesty, I’ll likely move on just fine in time. It just seems like this one is taking me a long time to get over.

I told Nathan it all leaves me feeling like boys are dense, and perhaps my attention should be on girls again/for once. But the only girls I’ve caught in my sights are clients (a huge ethical no-no I’m unwilling to break) or already married and most likely monogamous at that. So being I’m still not on social media and not desiring to be on any dating sites of any kind, it seems I’ll have to wait for the universe to send me a girl. God knows what my preferences are, as evidence by the other things I’ve been provided in alignment with my previous asking. So there will eventually be an obvious answer, I must just continue to have patience.

For now, I work on friendship: with existing friends and new work acquaintances. It’s easier and more relaxed anyways, except for my damn schedule being so inconvenient. Plus, I can be a little lazy on friends and fit time for them in as I feel up to it.

It also means I can prioritize me better as well. Sunday being my day off, I will assemble what I have so far of my new computer for graphic design. I’ll get sketch-up and some other software installed to be able to start my images for Atira. Eventually, I will be able to get a pen mouse for detailed work, I look forward to that. In the meantime, I also plan to make some edits to the format of my blog here in WordPress. I’ve hit some pretty exciting milestones at 350 posts over the last 4 years. I feel like my journey needs honoured, so I am going to reflect that in adding to my blog layout. I make no promises as to how long it will take me to do all this computer work, since this week has been so full I barely managed to post at all, but it’s still a short term goal for me.

Wish me well, and if you’re a regular reader, I’d love some feedback/comments or even suggestions.

Be well. May you have rest and relaxation. May you enjoy time off doing things you like/love. May you have easy to accomplish, feel good, goals. And as I’ve often said: may you find all of the love you seek.

Siva Hir Su

Cats outta the bag.

That was my mom’s phrase for giving up the goods, letting it be known who you are, or simply just confessing. It fits for the moment.

I’ve continued with my quest for being truly authentically myself, 100% throughout my life and livelihood.

In the last couple of days it started with dropping a hint mid-conversation about my bisexuality to the office manager in thanking her for her openness and acceptance of LGBTQ people in and out of the office.

Then I, as gently as I could, cornered the tall dark handsome man on his mixed messages of innuendo implying interest in me. He apologized profusely explaining that he meant no harm and didn’t realize he’s been overstepping so much. He said he’d like to stick to a more professional relationship, but is okay hanging out as friends occasionally. I was fine with that and took his apology whole heartedly. I explained that being polyamorous I just needed to know if he was serious or not and what his feelings really were. I then thanked him for his apology, as not many people actually own their mistakes and make things right. I think we’re at a good place of mutual acceptance.

I’d already spoken to the lesbian about my Indian person conundrum when I first started, figuring she was the most likely to understand polyamory to begin with. She’s totally cool and understanding, and though I hate referencing her as just the lesbian, I stick to honoring others by not divulging their personal information. So being that is her most unique descriptor, it’s my default.

So, at this point I’m certain that the whole office will know by early next week, but I suspect that is okay. It seems I work with a good group of people that have relaxed on judgements and are as open and accepting of people where they are as anyone could expect. I’m grateful to know that.

I also ended up in a conversation that drew out of me information about mine and Nathan’s medical & disability journey. I was met with compassionate concern instead of the usual list of ‘have you tried all these things’, I found that to also be very refreshing. It’s the first time in a long time that someone didn’t try to step in making all kinds of assumptions to be the saviour of the disability battle. I do appreciate genuine helpfulness, but sometimes one just needs more emotional support than a list of things to try.

Finally, I received a decent massage. I started a trade with the one other therapist in the office. The office manager was super helpful in finding a way to accommodate schedules for that. His style is very different from mine, but it works for him. He managed to get things that the paid massages and Nathan’s efforts missed. Very unique, but definitely the fix I needed. I’m very grateful for that as well.

So, with all of those good moments of authenticity and helpfulness and acceptance… why then am I finishing my day a bit down?

I have a couple of guesses because I keep seeing a couple of faces in my mind. I may be experiencing their sadness, I’m just not sure why. Not just why I am picking up on them- that happens to me quite frequently with lots of people, more as to why those people would be down. One’s my Indian person and we’ve had such a complex journey it could be one of many things, not to even contemplate Ian’s message of a couple days ago. The other man I’ve been in close contact with this week and didn’t pick up on anything when I was around him, so now that the work week is over for him I’m a bit confused. In theory he’s enjoying time off. Yet, things are often not what they seem. I wish them both well and send love in hopes that they cheer up. I still have 1 appointment to finish and 7 days of work until my next day off. I simply can’t afford to be stuck in their sadness.

I’ll ask the divine and angels to cut cords for now.

May you all have your moments of authenticity and helpfulness and acceptance. May you make it through your work days and week with ample buoyancy, and may you find yourself protected against moments that might bring you down. Finally, may you all enjoy time off.

Siva Hir Su

Watering continues.

The last couple of days I’ve been mostly well. There have been moments of confusion and moments of distress, but mostly I’ve stayed focused on what I want and generally buoyant. I really kicked butt yesterday doing 4 appointments consisting of 2.25 hours of continuous deep tissue. I approved the back-to-back stretch to accommodate helping the acupuncturist’s wife, whose neck had locked up- something I’m very familiar with.

Today is a day off, with the exception of one easy make-up home-visit appointment early this morning. Somehow, though the overcast weather and cooler temperatures have me hibernating.

I’m feeling my divine masculine today, fairly intensely. It has brought up lots of thoughts and feelings.

Somehow my thoughts keep cycling back to a man from my past, back when Anya was a baby: Rajesh. I keep remembering a point when I was at my worst, it’s been coming up frequently the last few weeks but today it’s really nagging at me.

Things had been happening involving him, his wife (my then best friend from high school), Nathan, and I. The specific memory is of when I lost control of myself and fell deep into depression and despair. Rajesh had found me crying and rocking myself in the upstairs closet. I was struggling so hard, fighting to regain control of my brain that I couldn’t even speak, and I remember him asking me something. I remember him standing there watching me and I remember wanting him to just hold me. To hug me and comfort me. After a moment, I can’t even define in time measurements, he said something and left. Moments later Nathan came in and held me.

Rajesh never did speak to me about that moment. I assumed he was either afraid to, or didn’t want to upset me. Yet to this day when the memory comes up I get embarrassed for not having been able to speak, and I still think about how much I just wanted him to show he cared by holding me. I really wanted to feel love in that moment and I respected him so much that I wished he had just loved me. Maybe he did and didn’t know how to show it, or simply how to respond in that moment.

I have no idea why this memory keeps resurfacing, and that’s ultimately why I wrote about it. I thought maybe writing it out would bring clarity. Yet I know that the state I was in means that the memory is incomplete. There are details my brain was unable to retain, which acknowledging that brings more confusion. Why now, nearly 13 years later, can I not shake it, and why does it flare my sense of my divine masculine.

I know that I am now in a much different mental space, mostly having defeated depression, and without a trace of medication. Thanks to Dr. Illardi’s “Depression Cure”. For that I’m utterly grateful. I owe that alignment to God, for I begged for help, and the people and resources to connect me with the therapist wielding that book resulted. It was divine grace that took over and helped me find my necessary set of tools to defeat depression in my life. The closet incident was one of my lowest points and now I’m able to maintain a much higher level of functioning even when something breaks my stride.

Maybe the memory is just acknowledging that massive improvement and reminding me of my gratitude for God and my solution. Yet it feels like more than that. My whole upper body is on fire with just that memory. That I don’t understand.

Regardless of my confusion, I do wish to acknowledge my decade of improvement. So that’s where I’ll water my dreams of Atira today.

  • I have supported my family, on my own, for a decade without keeping “a day job”. I’ve been successfully self-employed for nearly a decade.
  • During that same decade, I birthed 2 healthy children at home with minimal allopathic medical services.
  • During that same decade I took myself from nearly losing my life to depression, to being as mentally and emotionally stable as is considered normal.
  • I have started to slowly chip away at correcting financial damage done when Nathan got sick.
  • I’m nearly to a point where I will be able to buy us a home again and escape the decade of renting and being at the mercy of less than desirable landlords.
  • I have taken every opportunity possible to expand my knowledge and increase my skill sets.
  • I have maintained board certification and licensure over 12 years, despite having to move many times over.
  • I’m good at what I do because I care and I allow God to assist me. My hands do God’s work every day.
  • Though it seems I’m still very far from my big dream of Atira, I have made real progress. I have taken action steps and accomplished small goals to keep on my path to that big dream.
  • I give love at every opportunity, despite the fact that I’ve loved and lost, that I’ve loved and been hurt by several of those I gave my heart to. I do my best to find unconditional love, sometimes I accomplish that better than others, but I always aim for that.
  • I’m closer than I’ve ever been to being able to build and maintain Atira, one piece at a time.
  • I am strong and have amazing endurance.

May you all find moments of understanding and clarity. May you all experience growth and make progress towards even your biggest of dreams. May you all find unconditional love in your life.

Be well.

Siva Hir Su.

My Polyamory

I have intentionally not written much on this topic because about a year ago I went and posted a bunch of links and good info from other sites. There are so many aspects to look at and perspectives to consider that it is all just too much for me to even attempt.

However, Nathan suggested that I write at least once on my experiences and opinions on the matter. So, I’m taking his advice.

First and foremost Polyamory is many loves, a plural relationship based in a foundation of love.

From the view of a successful balanced poly family, I’ve not had much luck, at least in maintaining such a plural commitment. However, I have had lots of fine tuning and reevaluating, which Abraham says is always a good thing. I’m going to agree.

Nathan and I used to be, what gets labeled “Unicorn Hunters” by more forceful poly opinions. We were ‘significant-others’ seeking a single bisexual female to balance my bisexuality. After several failed attempts to find our good fit, we relaxed into accepting that our perfect woman might come attached to another person. It might also happen that we find several people to meet both mine and Nathan’s needs and desires.

Our hesitation with accepting the concept of multiples, initially was brought on mainly by fearful thoughts of: how do you get multiple adults on the same page and keep them in agreement and in cooperation. Especially regarding children in the family, rules of behavior, setting expectations, and even logistics of cleaning and cooking. However, at this point in our marriage we have come to the conclusion that those are challenges any relationship faces regardless if there are 2 or 12 people. We also now have lots of experience dealing with each other and multiple attempts at significant-other additions. We’ve also come to conclusions that some things are easier if approached like companies handle staffing: creating schedules and assignments of tasks, which can always be adjusted and changed as needed.

So at this point we’re much more open to alternate options and arrangements for our family structure, and have a better grasp of the interpersonal needs that entails. Our main goal now is that a variety of needs and desires are met, and that all adults act like adults and remain considerate of the family as a whole when making significant decisions. If those decisions are likely to impact the family in a huge way (move, replace belongings, or decisions regarding educational or medical concerns) then the family should be consulted with a proposal before final decisions are made.

Informed consent is a mainstay of poly whether it’s in regards to sex, reproduction, or any familial life event. Furthermore, informed consent requires a certain level of communication skills. You may have a great idea, but if you can’t make your case well to those involved it’s likely to fall flat.

So those elements have become our biggest priorities.

Beyond that, previous relationships ended due to factors involving but not limited to: personality clashes, instability due to processing previous traumas, and a lack of commitment by one or multiple parties. So we have simplified our request to the Divine that: future partners have their own stuff figured out at least well enough to cause only more minor bumps, previous severe traumas have been healed likewise, and that all parties be willing to commit enough to work through remaining glitches. All relationships have bumps, bruises, and fights, but it’s the severity and willingness to work through them that enable the relationship to last. Everyone coming together to learn and grow and heal, leads to happy long lasting family.

Acceptance of our humanness, and unconditional love allows for infinite growth. To me that means that I might get mad or frustrated with someone, but as long as I can refocus and remember we’re all human and that I do love them, then I can work through the upset to find a solution. That is the place of understanding that I aim for everyone in my family to hold.

There are also factors like honesty, openness, truthfulness, cooperative attitudes, and open mindedness which would be very important.

Finally, I wish to add compromise. A mainstay of finding solutions is learning how to compromise. There is almost always an answer that everyone can live with. It may not be perfect in everyone’s opinion, but gets the job done. Finding those compromises is paramount to maintaining family cohesion, and adults wishing to be in my family need to demonstrate an ability to compromise.

In conclusion, my ideal of Polyamory has evolved over the last 15 years to be less about the fine details and more about overarching qualities that I wish for people to exhibit.

Not to be too cliche, but can’t we all just get along, and all you need is love, would be the more concise mentality.

May you all find your family based in love and acceptance, but which committedly works through compromise to ensure everyone just gets along.

With love, be well. Siva Hir Su.

New day, new week.

“Everything’s gonna be all right.” -Bob Marley

Yesterday, I did some art, spent time with my family, and had a fairly relaxing good day, mostly at home. It was nice.

The art was nothing spectacular, just a little coloring to make friends with my new space. But I do have an idea for a charcoal drawing I may start working on.

The time with family was mostly ok to good, but Ian is still struggling with misbehaving. We discovered that he poked holes in the head of our djembe drum that Nathan was gifted over a decade ago. After ordering a new head and refreshing my memory of how to re-head the drum, I had a discussion with Ian.

He told me that a certain someone we used to live with was in his head telling him to keep causing trouble. I explained that that particular person was very manipulative and found satisfaction in causing chaos in other people’s lives, and that was why I chose to disconnect and move on from them. I told him he had to make that choice on his own, but that consequences would increase for him if he chose to keep listening to that person. I explained that just because he could hear them, didn’t mean he had to do anything that they said. That they choose to use their abilities for negative reasons, but that he could learn to use his for good. I also stressed that I would think he would choose to do the things that we request, especially since we genuinely love him and have his best interests at heart.

It was at that point that I understood why I kept being told that Archangel Michael was around me. I sent several prayers throughout all of yesterday requesting that the Angels protect all of us, and help my children remove energetic connections to those people. I also sent prayers that they help me forget that person and enable me to forgive the damage done so that my cords would permanently dissolve.

My decision on that person is: I don’t believe they have it in them to heal, I know they are so addicted to several things, including the drama of creating chaos, that they don’t even see their own patterns. We all have things like that, but this is just an extreme case. Regardless, even if they did try to change I don’t think it would stick and thus I don’t foresee ever being able to spend any significant time around them again. So, I do wish and pray for compete disconnection for myself and my family, I do want that to become a series of unfortunate events that I ultimately learn to forgive myself for enabling, and them for continuing to create.

Regardless, I went on to tell Ian that I love him, and that Nathan and I are doing our best to give him tools to control his thoughts and behaviors to improve things for himself. We want him to do well and he just needs to practice the things we’ve been teaching him. I compared it to his writing practice and explained the more he does the meditations and other tricks we’ve given him, the more they will work and things will get easier and easier for him. I gave him 2 days to work on resetting and focusing on practicing those tools. Essentially 2 days free pass, as long as Nathan and I see him putting effort into doing better. I pray that those 2 days, and the near future afterward, the Angels will protect him from intrusive thoughts and mirror anything like that back to the sender. My child needs that fresh start.

Nathan rounded out the day taking Ian to a huge new playground on my way to work. He had a blast discovering the new fun things to be had.

I give thanks that Archangel Michael is protecting me and my family and thanks that each new day brings greater clarity and resources to improve our lives.

May our improvements keep compounding for exponential growth.

Bonus our family vacation is approaching quickly. My mom has agreed to go with us, so there will be a slight detour to Iowa to pick her up and drop her off, but then we’ll have 7 solid days in Great Pond Maine and Acadia National Park the last part of July and first couple days of August. As the time draws nearer I’m finding myself increasingly more excited. I am so looking forward to the distance, fun, exploration, R&R, and possibilities of the trip. I give thanks for everything that has aligned to enable this experience, including house and pet sitters, and finances. Thank you God.

“I f-ing hate enlightenment.”

That was the phrase I said to Nathan this morning that made him double over in laughter asking me to write this post.

The reason I said it was because I checked my fasting sugar and it was again at 160. I commented it was probably the chocolates I ate last night because they were cheap ones. I said “I love chocolate, there I said it, I love chocolate, and aren’t we supposed to be loving things!”

Then immediately my brain replayed the last chakra section of the following clip from “The Last Airbender”.

Watch “How To Open Your 7 Chakras As Explained In a Children’s Show” on YouTube

I had played the clip for Ian last night to see if it would help him understand things. And I had followed the clip as a meditation in the process, so I knew exactly what was being conveyed.

It is good to love things, but not so intensely that we cannot let them go for fear of the loss.

And that is precisely what I’m doing with chocolate.

Chocolate is my last food pleasure. It is the only thing left in my ‘I really enjoy this food’ list. I am afraid to lose chocolate and never have any enjoyable food in my experience.

Knowing that, and accomplishing the letting go are two separate and distinct moments. Practice makes perfect, right?!

This one is going to be hard for me. Merh.

New Perspective

My quote from Abraham this morning comes on the heels of a discussion with Nathan about how I’m changing my perspective on food.

“When you are in vibrational harmony, your body produces whatever it needs to remain in perfect balance.”

-Excerpted from Boston, MA on 10/20/96
Our Love,

Esther
(and Abraham and Jerry)

So the discussion was last night, and essentially I explained that I had been noticing a trend where people in general, but especially younger people- babies and children, are experiencing the same patterns I have with food.

I have also noted many people talking about a shift happening in humanity. Often from different perspectives and on different topics (politics, socio-economic, healing, diet, etc ).

Putting two and two together, my theory and change in perspective has broken down to the following.

Making the assumption that the shift is real, and pervades all areas of our lives, one would have to acknowledge that mankind is changing. Abraham states that forward momentum is to higher vibrations. So human kind as a whole is shifting to a higher vibration.

Food Allergies then could be interpreted as the resistance against mooving towards that higher vibration with diet and healing. It is the result of being more sensitive to the energy and vibration that food carries. If your body has already acknowledged that it wants to keep up with the shift, and knows what level of vibration that equals, then it is going to really push back every time you give it anything less than what is desired. Thus, you become “allergic” to lower vibrating foods.

Now what:

So then one (especially Myself) must admit the dissonance and focus on the solution. In my case with food, that has become repeatedly acknowledging that I am now hyper sensitive to foods and my body only wants the highest vibrating foods in just enough quantities to sustain myself.

Once I allowed myself to keep up with me, and focus on that repetition, it’s as if the battle is not as hard. My body is beginning to shed toxins and inflammation is backing off, I’m feeling much better physically. It has also made sticking to my regimen easier to stomach, so to speak (double entendre intentional).

I am back to my nibble of super healthy food every couple of hours. Nuts, apples, pears, lean plain meats- mostly fish or chicken, and far more salads in my experience with the deep dark greens.

I’m also referencing being very sensitive to foods now, instead of talking about my allergies or being allergic. I just say I’m very sensitive to foods and so I’m extra careful most of the time in choosing what I eat.

The Fall:

Now, that has not eliminated the social environments where food is provided and heavily encouraged by others. Anya’s birthday last week was a good example. However, my new perspective has still helped. Essentially, I apologized to my body in advance and explained to myself that one meal was not going to kill me, that I did enjoy the tastes of the food, and social atmosphere and supporting Anya. I also spoke to my body, stating that I know I’m capable of eliminating the toxins. I talked myself though reducing the reaction and speeding up the corrective process.

Additionally, I reinforced for myself that I know if I were more in control of the moment I would have chosen an alternate option for the meal, but I was conceding to another’s choice and control because I wanted her to enjoy her birthday- it was her day of honor however she would choose. That was solely due to how much I care for her, and is something I’ve gotten more selective over as well. Not just anyone gets to persuade me to make low vibration food choices anymore.

I also took extra allergy medicine preemptively to help with reducing my experience of the reaction. It all helped, it did not eliminate the reaction, but did significantly improve it in terms of duration and severity.

After the fact, I told myself it’s not a lifestyle that I want to live, so better choices are definitely better. However, it was manageable and I do have the tools and information to make the climb back up the health ladder to vibrate higher again more quickly.

I definitely did not enjoy the aftermath, I did however enjoy the meal itself (sans my son’s antics) and also enjoyed knowing that I accomplished the correction quickly and easily. 1 step backwards, but 2 steps forward this time. That I like as well.

So, my new perspective brought some peace of mind and acknowledgement that I myself am improving and heading toward higher vibrations. I’m allowing me keep up with ME more. That feels really good.

On a side-note update:

My dreams of giving birth and dieing have subsided. Hindsight is ALWAYS 20/20, and I realized it was solely because of the activities job. The last 2 days there I kept telling myself, not my baby anymore, because the trainee had done things in an odd way. I realized that I had given so much of myself to that position that I literally felt like I was losing myself and my baby.

Having cleared the other side, I’m still intact. I’m still me, and I still have my dream of Atira. One day I will discover my solution to build Atira and keep myself healthy and keep my family cared for. For now, I am still helping that surrogate baby by filling in on paperwork and calendar tasks. I still walk away with a much fuller knowledge of the workings of a community that size. I still have improved myself and gained knowledge. Now I can relax a bit and recuperate and heal the damage from the stress and my diet during that period.

I am supported by the universe and I am safe. And twice this week I’ve been told by different sources that Archangel Michael is watching over me to ensure that stays true. I take that validation with a huge Thank You to the Divine. I’m very appreciative that things are still improving and that I have evidence of support from the universe.

A Brief Exposé

Preface:

I’m going to intention to be somewhat vague here. I’ve noticed overlapping patterns in my manifestations and resulting interactions with others. I intend for this post to apply to as many of those overlapping situations as possible.

First and foremost:

“Don’t think about all those things you fear, just be glad to be here.” ~ “Hayling” by FC Kahuna

I have come to rest for the moment in a place of acceptance of myself as I stand. I’m seeing my power and abilities and yet evaluating whether I wish to push the envelope or just allow myself to be for a bit.

I woke hurting this morning, a combination of allergic reactions from Anya’s birthday celebration, and physical fatigue from having done a dozen very-deep tissues this week. Yet I managed to push through and find genuine gratitude that at least I’m feeling it.

There are people living in this world that are unable to feel their arms and legs and would appreciate the discomfort of my aches this morning.

That acknowledgement in combination with something that crossed my path yesterday led me to a realization that I had attracted myself an onslaught of people unwilling to express their gratitude for me in any meaningful way. I literally saw how several people in my recent history (last 5 years) probably did care on some level, but convinced themselves for whatever reasons that they could not align with the action or resources which they knew would convey that most effectively. As a result I’ve parted and chosen to move on the best way I can, but lingering hurts cross my mind on occasion.

So here I sit feeling confident in my current endeavors and abilities, a new fuller knowing of myself, but slightly hesitating. Knowing that as I move forward I wish to attract people and experiences that honor myself better.

That means I must start by honoring myself better.

You see, the Law of Attraction is just that.

Like attracts like.

I could not have attracted those people and experiences if I had not held myself in that particular alignment.

Extrapolation:

“Some of them want to use you, some of them want to be used by you. Some of them want to abuse you, some of them want to be abused.” ~ “Sweet Dreams” by Eurythmics

I have been abused in my lifetime. Repeatedly in fact, and in multiple ways: physically, mentally, and emotionally. In turn my abused mind and body, unable to handle the hurts, reflected them back at those in my experience. I became the abuser. Not as severe as my abusers were, but abuse I delivered none-the-less. I knew in my heart I could not let that continue and prayed for help to change myself. I prayed that I might be forgiven for my indescrections. My least desire of anything in this world is to be abuser or abused.

I have been used in less abusive ways. Simply being an employee is, in a way, being used. However, because of my history with abuse, many of my being-used situations reflect a similar negative consequence. I see that my dream of Atira would in a way require that I use others. However, it is my prayer that I find a balance where I can utilize others in the best way possible, and while honoring their gifts as best as I am able. I want my having to experience the flip side to be full of as many positive consequences as possible. That means if I am to have employees I wish to compensate them properly. That means if I’m to utilize volunteers I wish to honor them fully and treat them accordingly. I want to teach people that honoring each other and ourselves is a way of honoring God.

Despite being one of my favorite songs, what “Sweet Dreams” fails to sing about is all of the other options.

I wish to love and be loved.

I wish to honor and be honored.

I wish to serve and be served in the name of God.

I wish to respect and be respected.

I wish to care and be cared for.

I wish to share and be shared with.

I wish for intellectual and emotional equals to experience this give take world with as partners and companions. Where we can all reach for better.

Full-Circle:

“I wished for you too.” ~ Practical Magic

I attracted you, with my attention to my desires and my sloppy habits stemming from hurt. My mixed bag brought you into my experience.

Yet, you must admit that you are equally responsible. You aligned in the exact same manner. You focused on your desires, but missed your sloppiness from your past.

You see we are equals, carrying the same level of blame.

I suspect you felt that you were better than I. That you could manifest things better, or that you were smarter than I, more connected, more esteemed or somehow more gifted. In your hubris you aligned yourself with idiocy and in a way became the abuser.

Your lack of humility, your inability to reach for better took us out of alignment.

You see, I seek those willing to admit we’re all equals here on this Earth stumbling through and learning how to reach for better and improve ourselves. Those willing to move mankind toward a brighter future. Those willing to take responsibility for their actions, offer apologies when necessary, and reach for honoring themselves and others better. I acknowledge that none are perfect, yet in our imperfection lies our greatest gifts.

I know you saw my intelligence, my strength, my reserve, my determination, my extra large size, as well as my extra large energy. You saw my fortitude, my resolve, my ability to endure and persevere. You saw my gifts and talents and my inner beauty.

Yet, your sloppy habits brought to your attention my strangeness, my unique views and my very unorthodox beliefs and unconventional ways. I pushed your comfort zone and set a high bar. I challenged you in ways you obviously were unable to handle, which took us further out of alignment.

So now I can revise what I want, need, and desire.

I seek someone with equal intelligence, strength, reserve, determination, and energy. Someone with fortitude, resolve, ability to endure and persevere. Someone with gifts and talents and inner beauty. Yet someone humble enough to acknowledge that all of that exists in me and many others as well. Someone open minded enough to handle my strangeness, my unique views and my very unorthodox beliefs and unconventional ways. Someone willing to allow themselves to grow through experiencing me fully. Someone able to have constructive conversations even when beliefs diverge. Someone able to convey their preferences while still exploring the unknown or perceived contrasting experiences. I seek someone willing to love and be loved. Someone to honor and be honored. Someone willing to serve and be served in the name of God. Someone willing and able to respect everyone and in turn be respected, to care and be cared for. Someone able to share and be shared with.

I need for those someones to be able to take responsibility and share their gifts to commit to not just my family, but to building Atira. You see, I don’t just need money for Atira, I need people, hands, help, specific knowledge that I would rather utilize in others than begin to learn myself. Atira will fare far better, actually become a success, if there is a group, a poly family, willing to share the work load. I seek those people.

I have thought about each person that had previously aligned and subsequently misaligned with me. If further alignment was genuine, accompanied by equally genuine apologies, and foreseeably maintainable, then I could potentially welcome them back.

At the moment I have no evidence to the possibility of that, and suggestions, mere hearsay, to the contrary. Yet, I’m going to leave room that it might be possible. However, I’m not going to hold my breath, because I know the universe will provide what I desire regardless. It has so far, I was just sloppy about maintaining my alignment, and THAT is where I know I can and will do better.

May all of my readers take this to heart and find and maintain their alignment. May you all have those in your life that honor, respect and love you for being you. May you heal your hurts and move on successfully. May you find a way to make your dreams happen.