Tag Archives: awareness

My Middle Path

I stopped myself- twice.

I read an extremely biased news article that got me all riled up and angry and frustrated. It seems news no longer understands unbiased reporting because every news agency does it to one degree or another. Yet, I know deep in my being that either side is just a manifestation of our societal constructs which creates endless reasons to fight with each other. It is a toxic endless battle on whatever topic you choose and it is counter productive to my own personal goals for growth. So when the article caused me to speak my own truth, but out of that frustration and anger, I watched expressions change on faces of coworkers and stopped myself from continuing on knowing my words did not set well with them. I started to write it out and thought better of that as well.

Believe what you want to believe. Argue for what you want to argue for OR against. You’ll continue to get both regardless.

I choose neither. Somewhere there is a middle ground of freedom.

I choose that middle road. The middle path which is less clear and frequently uncharted.

I acknowledge that not all of my beliefs serve me very well and I choose to improve on them. I also acknowledge that my experiences and learning/knowledge have formed many of my beliefs and running practices. Again, some of those serve me well and some don’t.

My recent awareness is one such moment. I sometimes wish I had the naive view that vaccines are the perfectly safe and perfect miracle that all of Western medicine would like us all to believe. Unfortunately my knowledge, daily awareness and intuition tell me otherwise. However, regardless of my knowing none of that helps me reach for healthy. In fact it gets me riled up and angry, which is a source of stress and not helpful in my own personal search for healing.

So I sit and acknowledge that my middle path must acknowledge several things.

  • No government, even going back to the beginning of civilized humanity, has truly and completely solved anything for everyone. But all governments help in some ways.
  • No medical institution has ever truly and completely solved disease and doctors are not God. Yet there are some helpful elements of medicine, and we can all reach for more of those and less of the risky unreliable rushed ones.
  • Fighting for or against anything only begets more of the reason to fight. So reaching for the middle is always the best answer- see the positives and logical basis of both sides to reach for solutions.
  • Everyone chooses a belief based upon something. Finding the common ground is where solutions lie.
  • True solutions only come when people agree to work together and compromise and take the strengths of either side to apply them to processes intent on improvement.
  • I am a small fish in a big sea of people wanting real solutions.
  • I am not alone in feeling like all previous attempts have been futility in action. So that means I am not alone in knowing that we probably should have just reached for the best normal we could muster and let go of the struggle, fighting and fear.
  • I am one of billions, even trillions, wanting safer and more reliable options, that allow for freedoms and multiple choices.
  • Governments know that when they are faced with forcing people to comply they know they have ultimately already lost the battle. Every historical instance of that has always been been overturned or reversed and often after major battles/wars and government restructuring. It would be nice if the latter was avoided this time.
  • Everyone wants to feel safe and also have the freedom of travel and living life as usual.
  • Governments may not be entirely reliable on all fronts, but they often do their best to reach for solutions for the most and they rarely actually put anything into place that is significantly questionable. They are aware that if something is on weak stance to begin with, that they are unlikely to be able to maintain it even if they try to start it. Those things rarely become laws and seemingly never remain as such.

So,

  • My most important choice is to let all of this go and reach for my center, my middle path.
  • I must find the knowing that all is well and I am here to create change in whatever way that means.
  • Only in the middle, will I find the peace to enable my own healing.
  • I am helping. I am healing.
  • I am healing myself from top to bottom, inside and out, every nerve, every muscle, every organ, every cell, every molecule, every atom.
  • I bring healing to others as well.
  • I allow my own healing to spill forth to heal my environment and everyone I come in contact with.
  • I trust that my ripples of light will enable God to bring even greater healing to the world as a whole.
  • I am now capable of seeing the fight for it’s toxicity and it has enabled more control over finding the middle path more frequently.
  • I am grateful that I have been able to care for myself and my family.
  • I am grateful that we have survived Covid twice when the system reacted too slowly to matter for us.
  • I am grateful I have been able to improve both mine and my husband’s health.
  • I am grateful I have healthy beautiful children.
  • I am grateful I’ve been able to maintain my home and work, in all the ways that means.
  • I am grateful I have enough to get through these times.
  • I am grateful that I am strong enough, and smart enough, and aware enough, to navigate all of these many complex elements during this time.
  • I am grateful I have access to healthy foods, vitamins and supplements which enable healing for me and those I love.
  • I am capable and aware. “I am lion hear me roar.” My own abilities are my greatest asset and I thank God for every day that I have lived and overcome. Without my genetics, life experience and exposures, I would not be who I am today. I have done great things that society never even noticed, all because I am who I am and my divine blessings were not easily documentable for another’s view.
  • I saw the sun shine, the wind blow, birds at feeders and pets on laps. I saw beautiful flowers and wildlife being themselves. This world is good when we allow it.
  • I am grateful I took the time for me, and that I see the beauty in the easy moments. Life is better with less struggle.

May you see your middle path. May you feel genuine gratitude for being here in this world. May your inner knowing guide you to your way through all that is. May you find the ease and relish in every moment. May you know for certain that through ease and flow is healing. Above all may you know that God supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

“The Middle Path is doing whatever is neither side in the current moment.” – ME aka Treasa Cailleach

Near, far, and everything in between.

I was musing about how we manifest things and how we need a blend of everything to live a full healthy life. It also left me with great gratitude over my life in general.

It started with thinking about how electronic devices mess up our vision over time. Our eyes last longest, and function best in old age, when we allow ourselves to see everything as we age. Everything near, everything far, and everything in between. So, too much electronics is too much near, and not enough of the rest of everything, it causes nearsightedness for many people gradually over time. Yet those that spend years of their lives either seeing trauma repeatedly, or turning a blind eye to the negatives, also end up with eye trouble where they simply can’t see anything anymore. They spent so much time wishing they couldn’t see what they were looking at, that they ended up blind. I have worked with those very people once the damage was already too significant to change, and several of them knew that was exactly what happened. One had spent her career as an ICU nurse and had seeing so many horrible atrocities and accidents that she knew it had likely contruibuted to her blindness.

As thoughts often do, one thing led to another and I was contemplating my place in this world. I would not be where I am, and with the desires I have, if I had not experienced a little of everything.

I know I am in the shallow end of the pool as far as traumas go. I have watched enough news and seen enough documentaries to know that without a doubt. I am extremely grateful that my real traumas were far less than traumas I am aware of.

No my troubles have definitely been more because of dis-ease ingrained by familial habits, and the resulting enabling of a physical disease into my body.

And that is where I find gratitude for both the Divine and myself.

When I was loosing to the disease that wanted my brain and body stressed enough for it’s own self-preservation, the divine would find a way in, just long enough that I knew something was wrong and needed fixed. The Divine managed to keep my ass alive and aware enough, to not actually give up, even when the disease in me was doing it’s best to convince me otherwise. The miracles that the Divine used to keep me alive are still to this day amazing and my gratitude is immense.

But my gratitude is even more immense for myself.

Here’s the deal, you don’t go from the following before pictures to the after pictures, based solely on the awareness that the Divine kept me from committing suicide.

No, the Divine may have enabled several miracles for me to stay alive, but then I did the rest. Doctors didn’t try very hard to fix it for real. My family didn’t either, but my mom gave it a decent try. No one but Nathan supported me through changes and challenges. I did the work, I did the research, I did the testing, I argued with doctors wanting the easy band-aid. I did the exercising and eating right. I was the one that fought my brain to have enough willpower to walk away from damaging foods. I was the one that pushed myself to do better than the average person. I was the one that kept trying, kept striving to stick to my vow and genuinely search for a solution to help my children.

I am lucky to have survived disease riddled brain creating suicidal situations, and for that I still thank God.

But, I have worked my ass off to improve and make my health and life better. My sheer willpower and drive has been the biggest factor in why I have accomplished as much as I have. I’m the one that lost 100 pounds while fighting thyroid disease. I’m the one that figured out my allergies, that it was my thyroid causing the most grief, that blood sugars were connected to immune function. I’m the one that figured out helpful supplements to manage symptoms better than the docs did. I’m the one that supported an entire family, and gave birth to two children, all while doing everything else I just mentioned. I’m the one that kicked ass for nearly a decade to not just stay alive but to attempt to find life, and hopefully an enjoyable one at that.

I did it for myself, even when a diseased brain told me otherwise.

I will keep striving because I haven’t managed a complete fix on the resources I have available at this time. I know there has to be a way, and I’m determined to find it. I know the pieces of the puzzle, but my current resources are not meeting the need, and I’m still calculating how I might be able to increase resources and decrease time investment, to accomplish everything that is needed to fall into place for the full healing I seek. Some people have accomplished it, and one is a client of mine.

I look forward to that. I look forward to my results of my hard work. My thank you to God for being rescued is my hard work to finish what God started. I can hope that there’s also a reward at the end of the tunnel, but I’m content knowing that my efforts are my “thank you’s” for the miracles that kept me from dieing.

For now I have mild evidence of my efforts and progress. My blood work and testing is all improved. My A1C is down to normal range (no Rx medicine enabled that). The Thyroid Nodule is in “just watch it” size range at 1mm, which is .5-1mm smaller than previous, being they could have biopsied it before and didn’t. My cholesterol is good, bad cholesterol is well below their concern range, and good cholesterol could be a little more but is fine. My B12 level is great. And Thyroid TSH is much closer to ideal. One more NDT Rx adjustment to be had and then follow up in 6 weeks to make sure it was adequate. She thinks most of my anamolous symptoms are thyroid related, but she forgot to do Covid antibody on the last blood draw, so they just drew it. My progress may not be earth shattering, but it’s still progress and I did it all on my own.

May you see how hard you have worked. May you know that you are deserving of all improvement experienced. May you know that your efforts mattered and made a difference not just for you, but in this world too. May you know that the Divine has played a role in keeping you alive. May you experience gratitude for all of it, and genuinely appreciate your self and all of your efforts both physical and nonphysical. Above all may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Expectations of Happiness

How does one define happiness, and why is our own definition so illusive?

It’s a weird rhetorical question.

I have no solid answer myself, as I can find my happiness sitting alone in a room, meditating, during a quiet massage session, or sitting in my hammock.

On the same token there are times that I feel like I should be happy when I’m not.

Today is the 4th of July. Former president Trump and 2020 ruined what shred was left of my patriotism. I should be happy to celebrate this holiday, but I have been grumpy all day long. At the same time I am fighting a desired to run away.

I could apply for a management position at what is now my part-time second job, they are hiring for many positions with an impending new building opening. It would be a massive promotion and I’m certain they want me to do so. It could be equivalent to income I make from the clinic, maybe a hair more, and the work would likely be much easier on me physically. However, the stress levels would be high, I’d probably be on-call a lot, and likely end up working as much, if not more, than I do now. It’s not my own business, and it’s not the intentional community I desired.

The skills might help with my dream community, but at this point I have a strong awareness that I can learn anything I need in a very short span of time, so the learning lesson is much less of a draw these days. Beyond that, 2020 again ruined my desire to work with elderly in any fashion, and I am already considering quitting the part-time work because of it. I would have much less headache and Saturday afternoons off, something that seems really appealing with our new mess related to dialysis.

The clinic still has me occupied 5 to 6 days a week and I feel like I work with platonic family. It is a good feeling and I know my work there is genuinely helping many people. Literally the only real drawback is that it is hard on my body and requires many hours of self care. Also because of that, I know my income will always be limited and I have likely already reached my maximum.

If I stay where I am and doing what I am doing then life will be fairly unchanged for years to come. It’s not really a horrible thing, but I am simply just tired of bearing the weight of a family alone. I have done it for almost 16 years and on very few occasions Nathan or I had to grovel to our parents for assistance. Most of them were right after we moved to Kansas city and turned around to deal with his hospital stay. It was a very rough period and the only period that I had to beg for parental assistance more than once. Out of 16 years I’ve asked my mom for money 4 times, and Nathan’s mom about the same (maybe a couple more times). The rest of the 16 years has fallen squarely on our shoulders, and only the last 10 have been my sole responsibility. When I state it that way, it doesn’t seem like that much, but my experience of it is just wearing me out.

I’ve been contemplating grad school, but know I can’t get a loan. So to that end I’m contemplating taking the MCAT and Mensa tests. It’s my hope to get scholarship if I do well enough, but I’ve set no direct commitment yet, only inquiries on tests and chiropractic college.

I’m also contemplating simply looking into a loan to start a massage school of actual merit. THAT I already have enough knowledge and commitment for. God knows KC needs a decent massage school, or I’d be able to find a quality trade partner easier. It would be a ton of legwork and writing on the front end, skimping by financially until a student body could be acquired and actual classes could begin. There would be accreditation processes and board certification processes, course management and all of the regular business and accounting issues to deal with, all out of whatever loan I managed to procure. It would be fast paced and grueling for several months to get set-up and functional, and everything would ride on loans until students began enrollment. Not impossible- my massage school had just done that when I enrolled 14 years ago and they are still functional.

This week the chiropractor encouraged me to shift my business to a full LLC, and I wondered if that was my cue to lean that direction. I simply don’t know.

Part of me is perfectly fine with settling and riding the calm waters of maintaining what I’ve already created. Especially if I quit the part-time job and get my Saturdays back for relaxation and fun.

Part of me knows this is not really my Atira, and is downtrodden over the prospects that I may never see my actual dream manifest. That’s the part of me that wants to run away.

I simply don’t know, and my tired brain just wants the elusive happiness all the time. It’s there when I have the time and space to find it, but I have a hell of a time keeping it in me.

For now I leave you with my rhetorical question and ramblings.

May you find your happiness, know your expectations, and find a way to maintain it regardless. May you instill in your children the ability to maintain their happiness while also lifting our world up. May we all enjoy our lives mostly and find ease in navigating the paths of life. May you be comfortable with your life regardless of where the roads lead you. May you see that everything happens for a reason, sometimes to just give you clarity on what you don’t want. Above all may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti