Tag Archives: bad day

Slowing down.

I fell again yesterday….. Again! …. Right?!

The chiropractor was kind enough to adjust me again today, and provided a reminder I need to slow down and be conscious of caring for myself. I replied “I know, I promised I would slow down, but it’s so hard when I’ve spent so many years trying to do everything.”

It is though, falls are always God’s attempt at slowing me down. Sadly, or is it thankfully, they always work. So tonight I’m nursing angry muscles, partly from the fall and partly from the corrective adjustment. As I lay with a tennis ball wedged against my left psoas muscle, I’m catching up on watching notification videos, and the following was a powerful one.

Watch “Jacob Lee – Oceans (Official Music Video)” on YouTube

I really feel that one. Sometimes I do feel exactly how the singer did, especially in these crazy times where fear over a singular disease has caused all of society to cease real living. But it seems I’m getting better and better at finding my source, my inner always present divine half. The half that never leaves me, but sometimes it’s awfully hard to see or feel.

I went nearly 2 decades fighting off suicidal depression, and in the last five years I’ve found alignment more than not. I still have boughts of severe depression, but they’re shorter and shorter now, knowing all of my triggers and how to fix being in the hole. That information is priceless and I still look forward to the day I find total healing and those days disappear altogether.

I know I’m on the right track, and right now I’m literally throwing every tool I know at finding healing. It’s part of the reason God wants me to slow down, I am doing so much I probably need to give myself a breather and let my system catch up.

It made me a little mad though because I’ve now missed two days of workouts, the fall happening 90 min before my projected workout, and the aftermath making exercise a physical impossibility.

At one time I hated exercise because it was so difficult for me, now I miss it. At one time I hated running because it was so hard, no I look forward to making friends with it knowing it’s starting to help. At one point I hated cilantro, now I love it for it’s detoxifying effects having started the healing in my brain. There are so many things that I have a much much greater appreciation for, all because they help me feel better and they are slowly healing my brain and my body.

I wish that for everyone.

Beyond my gratitude over those solutions, I have immense gratitude for all of the people, current and past, that have helped me find solutions or fix me when my efforts are not enough or applicable (especially the chiropractor today). Those people that rescued me when I needed it most. Many were one time helpers, few have helped me repeatedly, but all were pricelessly valuable.

May you all see your worth. May you love your gifts from God. May you understand your challenges and love the solutions. May you live life to the fullest, and know that food is a tiny fraction of what that means. May you give back to the divine by helping others find the solutions they need. May you show gratitude for the people in your life that help you implement those solutions. May you love exercise and all of the things that enable you to live a greater life. May your greater living not only be more enjoyable, but of greater assistance to the world. May we all work together to create a better world for us all.

Siva Hir Su శివ హిర్ సు

Super-human or super-stupid?

I’m not sure which I am.

If the saying ” what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” is accurate, then I’m likely verging on super-human. After everything, I just keep going. Pregnant, over worked, exhausted, and all. Like the Energizer Bunny of insanity. Butt dragging the whole damn way.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” – Unknown

Yep. I’m pretty sure they’re talking about me there. Or at least I feel that way at this very moment.

Three and a half months worth at least. Leaving me rocking myself in the dark, curling up in closets and other not-beds to sleep. Pushing away caring friends because I know they can’t solve my problems, and I don’t want to ruin my friendships complaining about them (the problems that is). I couldn’t bear being that friend that gets dumped because I don’t have anything positive to say in the present tense.

Yet Abraham Hicks stresses that what I’m doing is really insanity, just not how most perceive. The key is that word “expecting” in the definition of insanity.

I don’t know how to do differently, but I seem to think if I do this enough times I’ll get my desired outcome, but also expecting it’ll take divine intervention. Those are expectations. Expecting a “knight in shining armor” to come hold me and make things OK is yet another.

I want to believe the law of attraction, I want to believe that things will be OK, great in fact. But my damn brain keeps telling me: you’re working your ass off and still not getting anywhere, how the hell do you expect to do something less difficult and get way better results! 

AND there enlies my problem. You can’t get what you don’t believe is possible. 

Abraham is very clear on that front. All the work in the world, all the lottery tickets in the world, are meaningless if you don’t believe the desired result/outcome is possible for YOU.

It’s not that I don’t believe that there are jobs that are easy and pay a butt load of money. I’m very much aware of those. It’s not that I don’t believe that people win the lottery. I watch the news enough to know; I’ve seen the show about lottery winners. I know that generally speaking it’s totally a possibility.

My disbelief lies in myself. I’m under qualified, I’m too far in bad-debt to be hired for some jobs or buy a house, there’s too much at stake, I’m not that special…. Etc, etc. OR in my beliefs about possibility versus probability. It’s possible to win the lottery, but in my life that would simply be a straight up miracle. Which then circles back to my belief about not being special enough, why would the divine actually grant me a miracle. My brain wants to shoot down everything. Damn you brain!

Abraham says then: either work a way around the negative limiting belief, or distract yourself long enough to see a result that helps guide you toward believing.

I thought all this work time was distracting me, but apparently not enough. I’m still finding myself needing inner pep-talks. I’m still catching myself very down, crying frequently. I’m still getting hung up on the same half dozen topics (or a man). SO…. So much for distraction.

I guess I’m going to have to take the mentally hard route with every damn limiting belief. One At A Time.

How do you work around dozens of limiting beliefs. One at a time. Just pick one I suppose; you have to start somewhere.

So, I feel like I should start with that damn Midwest work ethic. That: you have to work hard to earn a fair living and get ahead. Because let’s face it, that’s what I’ve been doing for the last decade, and it’s BULLSHIT. I started early, before I even finished college. Took on a family that wasn’t mine (biologically speaking) at 21 years old. I’ve worked hard fairly continuously, and I’m further behind than when I started. Way, way further behind. A load of horse manure that was. Right up there with “a college education will get you a good paying job and get you ahead of others”. That too was a total crock of horse hockey. Maybe for some it’s accurate, but seriously not for me. Not even remotely.

So somehow I’m going to have to override those faulty programs by dancing around the topic. Literally looking for a twisty, curvy, windy path to believing that it would be possible, somehow, for me to work doing something fairly easy with plenty of time freedom, that would pay a buttload of money and not necessarily use either of my educations.

I think; I hope, that if I figure that one out, all the other limiting beliefs will collapse in short, much easier order. Alas, I have to tackle it first, then play the wait-and-see game again. Because (another limiting belief) instant gratification is only for food and frivolity in my world.

Can someone please invent a selective singular-memory-eraser! That is, right after someone invents the smart band that accurately tracks heart rate, blood pressure, blood glucose, and connects all of that in an app that also allows you to manually track meals, snacks, and activity levels (outside of walking/running/swimming). Oh, and it’d be awesome if that app just told your doctor everything so they’d actually believe you. Even better if it helped compile the data to uncover food allergies or other triggers…. Oh wait, doctors first have to admit that it’s even possible to do that (like I did with my first child). I suppose I’m a few decades ahead of my time in those expectations. It’ll get there, sometime next century (loaded with sarcasm)…. After they’ve killed off a few billion too many people and start losing all their trillions of profits they made from unnecessarily sick people.
OK, so you might be able to tell my mood today. This blog may have helped, but honestly I’ve got a few more stuck in the cogs that I hope an excess of sleep will eliminate. Wish me well and send me sleep blessings… I need it. My whole family needs it. I must figure out how to turn this forsaken ship around.