Tag Archives: battle with depression

Clarity with shorter refractory periods.

First, thank you Lord Siva, it seemes you keep saving my arse over and over again. The Diwali Temple Meditation time helped more than I knew in that awkward-outsider moment. I’m still not sure why I am called to experience the divine through this path, but I’m grateful that you still speak to me.

Nathan was right, despite all eyes being on me/us, in my heart, you welcomed us both fully in that moment. Thank you God and I’m sorry I felt so awkward.

“MC YOGI – SHIVA (Supreme Soul) – (Official Stream)” on YouTube is my uplifting moment of celebration for you today.

Listen here: https://youtu.be/FXD52U6g76M

Also thank you God:

My climb up from exhausted and allergy reaction has become much shorter. Between knowing the precise set of actions to take to unbury from the physical response, and taking moments of calming and centering meditation, my climb has gone from taking weeks (sometimes months) a few years ago, to mere hours now. For that knowing I’m utterly grateful.

I’m also really truly starting to understand the practical application of Abraham’s teachings on the emotionality of the law of attraction.

For instance yesterday I wrote:

After trying to apologise to one person and having that leave me feeling like a stupid naive fool living in a double standard, I’m feeling like words are not helping- hence all the emoji’s.

What I’ve been able to apply here is that I felt so damn crappy because I was so far off the mark of my inner truth.

  • I’m intelligent, smart, and give most everything plenty of forethought.
  • I’m far from naive, in fact I am usually the first to contemplate anything in my past or awareness, as a means to discern how a current situation (person, place, or thing) applies to my now. I.E.: Am I about to let myself get hurt again or be taken advantage of, or is this genuine and divinely guided, sometimes even a mix of the two?
  • I’m also very informed on a wide array of topics, many of which I never speak about in public due to their taboo nature. I don’t even write about them in any sort of public way. They are just an element of my awareness.
  • I’m anything but a fool. I may have moments where I allow events to unfold hoping that those around me will find their inner being and grow to do the right things, but I’m usually very aware of flaws, faults, and the potential worst case scenario. If I perceive that I’m likely to get hurt, I usually try to brace for impact or back out slowly and cautiously. That hasn’t always worked well, but at least I saw it coming (looking at you, September 2018).
  • What I perceived as a double standard is my own doing. I called someone out for actions that pushed my boundaries, and then got sloppy in considering theirs. That’s not a double standard, just a careless mistake, which I did apologise for. My embarrassment only caused me to fail to see that initially.

With all that being said, I’ve revisited my desires, my preferences. I’ve examined myself, and with the exception of desiring to be lighter by a few pounds of fat, I happen to like or love most everything about myself. That’s my inner being’s view. That helped me climb out.

I also took a few minutes to pretend, just like when I was a kid. I used Oracle cards, since I have plenty, they were easily accessible. I placed all my cards and then walked Nathan through the traits they represented to me. What my particular arrangement meant in that moment of my pretending. That was very helpful to refocus on my higher being’s desires and where I aim to head.

Through all of these moments I heard God. I heard the nudges of confirmation, the nudges of lighten up, and the push to go easier on myself. I also ended up stumbling through a series of messages that added up to an awareness that I need to step back and allow for others to work on themselves. As much work as I have done, things I have learned, and adjustments I have made; I have to acknowledge that if people really truly care about me, they will do their best to work through their own moments in an attempt to keep up with my alignment with the divine. Otherwise in time, those new people I find, which are on my level will replace the former people. My life will move on regardless, and I need to quit worrying about anyone else’s progress- anyone: family, friends, even love interests. I know I’m worth the journey and though I very much would like for certain people to stay in my experience, it is not mine to force. I can’t make them keep up, they have to want to, they have to want to find their own healing, only that will keep us in proximity.

For that awareness, I thank God. Yet, I ask God to remind me of that as gently as possible and as often as needed. I will likely forget and try to push those I am most attached to, and that will only cause resistance with all involved. I deserve better than that, so I’ll need the gentle reminders to keep from pushing too hard.

May you all have speedy healing and be able to pull up quickly. May you have understanding of the messages the divine is trying to send you. May your loved ones of any aspect stay in vibrational proximity on your journey together. May you relax and release resistance, to especially find understanding and love of self.

Siva Hir Su

Watering continues.

The last couple of days I’ve been mostly well. There have been moments of confusion and moments of distress, but mostly I’ve stayed focused on what I want and generally buoyant. I really kicked butt yesterday doing 4 appointments consisting of 2.25 hours of continuous deep tissue. I approved the back-to-back stretch to accommodate helping the acupuncturist’s wife, whose neck had locked up- something I’m very familiar with.

Today is a day off, with the exception of one easy make-up home-visit appointment early this morning. Somehow, though the overcast weather and cooler temperatures have me hibernating.

I’m feeling my divine masculine today, fairly intensely. It has brought up lots of thoughts and feelings.

Somehow my thoughts keep cycling back to a man from my past, back when Anya was a baby: Rajesh. I keep remembering a point when I was at my worst, it’s been coming up frequently the last few weeks but today it’s really nagging at me.

Things had been happening involving him, his wife (my then best friend from high school), Nathan, and I. The specific memory is of when I lost control of myself and fell deep into depression and despair. Rajesh had found me crying and rocking myself in the upstairs closet. I was struggling so hard, fighting to regain control of my brain that I couldn’t even speak, and I remember him asking me something. I remember him standing there watching me and I remember wanting him to just hold me. To hug me and comfort me. After a moment, I can’t even define in time measurements, he said something and left. Moments later Nathan came in and held me.

Rajesh never did speak to me about that moment. I assumed he was either afraid to, or didn’t want to upset me. Yet to this day when the memory comes up I get embarrassed for not having been able to speak, and I still think about how much I just wanted him to show he cared by holding me. I really wanted to feel love in that moment and I respected him so much that I wished he had just loved me. Maybe he did and didn’t know how to show it, or simply how to respond in that moment.

I have no idea why this memory keeps resurfacing, and that’s ultimately why I wrote about it. I thought maybe writing it out would bring clarity. Yet I know that the state I was in means that the memory is incomplete. There are details my brain was unable to retain, which acknowledging that brings more confusion. Why now, nearly 13 years later, can I not shake it, and why does it flare my sense of my divine masculine.

I know that I am now in a much different mental space, mostly having defeated depression, and without a trace of medication. Thanks to Dr. Illardi’s “Depression Cure”. For that I’m utterly grateful. I owe that alignment to God, for I begged for help, and the people and resources to connect me with the therapist wielding that book resulted. It was divine grace that took over and helped me find my necessary set of tools to defeat depression in my life. The closet incident was one of my lowest points and now I’m able to maintain a much higher level of functioning even when something breaks my stride.

Maybe the memory is just acknowledging that massive improvement and reminding me of my gratitude for God and my solution. Yet it feels like more than that. My whole upper body is on fire with just that memory. That I don’t understand.

Regardless of my confusion, I do wish to acknowledge my decade of improvement. So that’s where I’ll water my dreams of Atira today.

  • I have supported my family, on my own, for a decade without keeping “a day job”. I’ve been successfully self-employed for nearly a decade.
  • During that same decade, I birthed 2 healthy children at home with minimal allopathic medical services.
  • During that same decade I took myself from nearly losing my life to depression, to being as mentally and emotionally stable as is considered normal.
  • I have started to slowly chip away at correcting financial damage done when Nathan got sick.
  • I’m nearly to a point where I will be able to buy us a home again and escape the decade of renting and being at the mercy of less than desirable landlords.
  • I have taken every opportunity possible to expand my knowledge and increase my skill sets.
  • I have maintained board certification and licensure over 12 years, despite having to move many times over.
  • I’m good at what I do because I care and I allow God to assist me. My hands do God’s work every day.
  • Though it seems I’m still very far from my big dream of Atira, I have made real progress. I have taken action steps and accomplished small goals to keep on my path to that big dream.
  • I give love at every opportunity, despite the fact that I’ve loved and lost, that I’ve loved and been hurt by several of those I gave my heart to. I do my best to find unconditional love, sometimes I accomplish that better than others, but I always aim for that.
  • I’m closer than I’ve ever been to being able to build and maintain Atira, one piece at a time.
  • I am strong and have amazing endurance.

May you all find moments of understanding and clarity. May you all experience growth and make progress towards even your biggest of dreams. May you all find unconditional love in your life.

Be well.

Siva Hir Su.

Hogwash & fiddlesticks, I want to feel good.

So my last post was pure livid anger, and for good reason. But as I’m learning, that Shit is how I spent 20+ years stuck in a depression loop. So damn it, I want to feel good.

That means I must look for what I like, for things I want, for improvement, for solutions, and for love.

It’s hard to do that when you’re so pissed off.

I’m discovering it’s even hard when you’re simply in constant motion. I’m essentially back to work 7 days a week, and when I get confirmation on hours from the building I do activities for, I’ll probably have a total of 3 days off in September. I make it work, and make the best of it, but transition has been difficult for my mental puzzle again. The result has been that I was gifted 2 illnesses (1 digestive, 1 head cold) from my family, since my vibration has been all over the place. I swear I’ve been sick more since thanksgiving than I had been the previous 5 years, and the only thing that’s changed is my intense desire and efforts to produce more income and higher vibration.

It leaves me acknowledging that my negative lapses are manifesting fairly immediately, and being that they’re small and manageable is a fairly good sign. It means that my positive efforts are building steam, which I already knew from the increase in hours and income, but I suppose validation from both sides of the equation is a good thing, a helpful measure so to speak.

So, my 2 ended train is finally moving in the direction I want, albeit slowly. But if I have learned well enough, it means I just need to keep at it to get some good momentum going.

More practice; practice makes perfect.

That’s a sentiment I’ve proven to myself many times over, especially with music and art.

So, since I’m already tired, super draggy, and stuffy headed, having trouble focusing, I thought I better write since it forces me to focus.

This week (or 2?) started with good validations. At one point I had an epiphany (very personal about my childhood “imaginary” friend) I simply asked mentally that if my thoughts were accurate to show me a green & purple dragon (thinking of the puff the magic dragon song). The next day at work there was a bouquet of green and purple flowers that were placed such as to remind me of a scaly dragon head. They were in a residents’ room and she was reading a “song of Solomon” about where someone’s love had gone. I knew it was my validation instantly and nearly cried telling her she was my message from god. Yet since that day I’ve seen nearly a dozen more green and purple dragons.

One of the last ones: I was drawn to stop at a favorite store of mine, but didn’t know why, seeing as I didn’t have any extra cash available for spending fun. While there I thanked the owner for support she gave years ago when Nathan was ill, she said she needed that, and I knew that was part of my visit, but something else was nagging me. I browsed a bit and ultimately discovered my message:

A Shiva statue priced with my birth year, and my dragon request on a singular box of incense. Next to 2 other incense boxes that were one of a kind. I know because it was such an intense set that I looked through the whole wall of incense to see if someone had just misplaced them. No, no matches were to be found, they were the last ones available.

I simply could not resist and bought the incense, knowing I’ll ultimately have to go back for the statue at some point soon. Resistance is futile. You don’t say no to the universe, but it’ll have to wait until payday.

The point of all of this is, I’m definitely getting messages, and they all feel really good. I like that. I love being validated and feeling supported. My only hiccup is in understanding. As in, I only asked for one dragon, and the first was good enough for me. So why then, give me a dozen more, one of which was the exact thought I had- a green & purple- puff the magic dragon?

Does the quantity and repetition equal someone screaming “yes!” from the other side? And if so, I’d think it would start manifesting, like now. I’m going to tell myself that’s the case and see how things unfold.

I have been feeling intense anticipation for some while now, but have difficulty maintaining focus on just that. It makes me all jittery, and ultimately I end up getting distracted by daily interactions. Yet, I suppose that’s the practice makes perfect element.

So, I think about what I want, and possible ways it could happen, and I do my best to make sense of other messages I see. Like I still want to end up in Colorado with a big dome full of people that love me enough to commit to being family. I know who I’d like that to include, but right now I still don’t have any idea how, and I’m doing my best to ignore roadblocks and deadlines in the way of that. I keep reminding myself that the divine can ultimately solve everything in proper timing, even if 60 days seems like a tight squeeze to me, and there’s probably a dozen options I can’t even fathom.

I think of all the other close calls I’ve had and how everything always worked out. God has my back and always keeps me safe. Usually I’m the one that gets in my own way of that, and this time I intend to be a cooperative element helping things flow smoothly.

To that end I even let myself go down a small ego-trip road with how lucky I am to have multiple people that care about me. People that care and help more than my own blood realitives (exception being my parents). It helps me see my good. I thought about my strengths and good qualities, and admitted that even my weaknesses could be worse. I appreciated myself a bit and acknowledged there’s a reason others care. I like knowing that, it helps me see how to love myself. I am a good person and I will get to do great things for this world yet. Of that I’m certain. I know that I must hang in and keep practicing this, and even if I have a few more muggle based action steps to enable myself to practice allowing, at some point soon I will get good at manifesting exactly what I want.

When I do- watch out, because I could end up being the next Oprah/Ellen. Not saying I want to be on TV, I really don’t, I just like how they inspire others and help so many people. Yeah, I want that part, and can totally skip the being on TV.

So this ended up being rambly and all over the place, probably due to that being sick difficulty focusing thing. I apologize for that, but I’m glad you hung in there with me. If I can climb out of decades of depression, and overcome livid anger in a few days, you can too. May we all make a better world by starting with ourselves. A single drop creates ripples in the whole lake.

Beautiful things…

Like the song by Annie Lennox “A Thousand Beautiful Things”:

” Every day I write the list

Of reasons why I still believe they do exist

(A Thousand Beautiful Things)

And even though it’s hard to see

The glass is full and not half empty

(A Thousand Beautiful Things)

So light me up like the sun…”

I write my list today to remind myself of things I love. Things I miss when they’re gone. Things I want to see more of. Things I relish and enjoy every last bit of. Things that brighten my day and my life. AND I apologize to everyone for having gone negative for a while again. Suffice it to say no-one enjoys being negative and in the hole, and let my negative posts be validation of my efforts to heal myself, as when you’re down you always want to get up again. This is my effort to do so. This is my effort to start to turn things around regardless of my physical experience. I’m doing as Abraham says “Shift away from the what-is-ness and toward the what can be.” Shifting yet again and taking to heart “you’re always in the right place at the right time, but sometimes you’re looking at it in the wrong way”.

First on my list of loves is every single thing in that song.

Then:

I love hugs and cuddles from those I love, and giving them as well.

I love my children and my kitties, especially because they unconditionally love me.

I love playing with my kids.

I love art: drawing, coloring, painting, all kinds of making art, and most kinds for looking at.

I love music: listening or playing, and most genres, especially all 64GB I have.

I love massages, mostly receiving because it’s so darn helpful and feels good, but giving helps people so I like that too.

I love getting things that help me feel better: exercise, sun, healthy foods, sleep, and fun activities.

I love comfy quiet spaces.

I love starting my day with a hot shower, they are so refreshing and relaxing and help me start my day in the best frame of mind.

I love waking up refreshed and on time to start my day easily and smoothly.

I love things to do, being balanced with time to just be.

I like nice cars in tip top shape, well oiled machines so to speak, including good tires & brakes, and would love a new electric vehicle.

I love it when people communicate effectively, and when they talk to each other consistently.

I love when people talk to me about their interests and desires, and things they like and enjoy.

(conditional ones… oopsie)

I love feeling really supported and cared for. (that’s more unconditional, maybe Abraham can help me find some more words here…)

I love feeling love for others and receiving love.

I love feeling appreciated.

I love feeling happy and having fun.

I love feeling content.

I love feeling comfortable in my body (though it could be way more often).

I love peace and peacefulness.

I love being inspired and feeling accomplishment when my inspired actions pan out positively (I’d love to do that much more often also).

I love the feeling of wholeness and completeness.

I love feeling abundance and prosperity.

I love knowing that the universe supports me and is working on a solution to pay for all of my needs (including the birth costs).

I love knowing that the universe can flow money to me many, many more ways than I can even begin to think of, and love knowing all I need is alignment to allow it.

I love feeling relaxed and centered.

I love the feeling of balance in all respects.

I love the feeling of freedom.

I enjoy feeling welcomed.

I enjoy the feeling of belonging.

I love that my children are loving and doing their best to find their way in this world. I look forward to mastering my guidance system to show them how to do the same. Because I also know actions do teach better than words.

I love the feeling of friendship.

I love the feelings of having good conversations and really connecting with someone.

I love the feeling of stability and homecoming that a close knit family home brings.

I love feeling calm and centered and knowing that things are progressing smoothly and easily in perfect timing (that could totally happen a lot more).

I love knowing that others around me function well in chaos, because it makes up for what I’m unable to handle.

I love knowing that I can distract myself from that same chaos by retreating into my mind or simply watching funny videos, or even walk through it and recenter alone.

I love knowing that others around me are also doing their best. That they have the best intentions when they offer things to me or make suggestions, and that they really are doing their best to support me.

I love knowing that “IT” never gets done, so if someone promises me something and forgets or is unable to fulfill their promise, another way will show itself.

I love knowing that God ‘has my back’ and will make up for those dropped moments/promises. I just have to allow it.

I love the feeling of well-being, of naturalness and of normalcy. I love knowing that those feelings are a good symptoms of my body and brain functioning in tip top shape, perfect alignment. I look forward to feeling like that everyday.

I love feeling prepared for whatever is in progress.

I love being excited for good things coming.

I love being on time, even early, for everything, and I love the feeling of knowing I always have plenty of time (no rush).

I enjoy feeling that I’m in the right place at the right time.

I love feeling safe and knowing that my family is safe. I love knowing that my family strives to be in alignment so they can do lots of fun things safely.

I love being able to say yes, go for it, it’s OK.

I love feeling passion, and being passionate, about people, places, and activities.

I love knowing that I’m a vibrational being.

I love the feeling of alignment with that inner being.

I love knowing that my inner me/vibrational-being loves everything. (I’m always in the right place, but sometimes looking at it from the wrong physical viewpoint.)

I love knowing the universe will give me wonderful things when I find alignment with that inner me.

I especially love that I’m starting to get better at catching myself. I’m starting to recognize those misalignments faster and thus start correcting faster. I realize that I am still letting some of those moments snowball too much and build much negative momentum, but acknowledging that, every single time it happens, helps me inch towards catching it sooner with less momentum to correct for. I look forward to when I catch all of my negative misalignments in their infancy before they have any significant momentum at all. I love knowing I will eventually get there, and it just takes practice (maybe a lot, but that’s OK too).

And with that I leave you all with blessings of fast alignment recovery in any contrast situation.

Bad mom award…

Despite having a good dose of my thyroid meds, I’m still struggling. A friend pointed out yesterday that my verbal-vomit was hurtful, especially to my son. I removed myself and went home to cry alone, sending the following messages.

Obviously my shit is no better than it ever has been, so why does god bother to show me messages? I don’t know.

I don’t know why, but I’m definitely feeling that analogy from what seems so long ago. Of being trapped on the 13th floor of a burning building, with no rescue in sight. Where leaping to death (suicide) is a sure but finite end, but remaining where I am could lead to slowly painfully burning to death (never really healing my brain). I told Nathan I’m not a celebrity with unending supply of money and unlimited resources, so if they keep losing their wars, what chance do I have.

I know the news of late isn’t helping. I know I’ve had hormone swings still from post birth. I know my puzzle is non-existant: rare exercise, no sun after waking, very irregular sleep schedule, positive social interactions disappeared weeks ago, meditation is sparatic at best, and I was already feeling like a crappy parent (ruminating on my failures) before getting told I was, then pile on overwhelmed from the demands of breastfeeding a baby while trying to go back to work. The only thing I’ve maintained is my diet & fish oil, and that’s miserable little help, especially since labs indicated I’m still reacting to something.

I’m at a loss and feeling it daily. I’ve even found myself repeating it’s a good thing the boy dropped me, no one would want me and my shit. No one can help me, so why bother being around me.

Nathan says he sees my good, my love, and the depression times, though hard, are worth sticking through. Hannah seconded that last night and this morning. Right now I’m having trouble seeing and believing it.

All I know is they wanted me to post how well the baby is doing, saying its amazing. They say it’s proof I’m not a horrible parent.

I think it just means I cared enough to do my best while pregnant.

I learned in my CEU class in May that research shows massages during pregnancy help with motor skill development. So baby is doing so well because my constant working necessitated regular trades with my massage therapist. Sometimes the things I do right are accidental.

So here’s what they wanted to show, with keeping in mind that these are from a not quite 2 month old (born 4/23, & these photos/videos have been taken over the last 2 weeks):

Sitting alone for long periods:

She finally fell over after about 3 minutes of sitting:

Standing & figuring out leg movements:

Progress in crawling:

I’m glad that baby is doing well. If only I could figure out how to get myself back on track with the demands of life right now.

Ouch!

Watch “Abraham Hicks 💓 Let FUN guide you [NEW]” on YouTube

https://youtu.be/1sYIZMsL01M.

I’m so very guilty of this. Guess I understand at least part of why the last 3 years has gone the way it has. I really need figure out how to stay-permanently- on the positive vortex side.

It’s funny: scaring off people I really like on one hand; & introducing other friends to polyamory & law of attraction on the other hand (I’ve discovered different friends have gravitated to one or the other in the last couple of years, & I was the one that introduced the concepts). I literally told Nathan when he informed me of that: “Why the hell do I keep helping others find things I have yet to fully figure out for myself?!”

———

As for me:

I just keep getting better and better at solving a never ending slew of problems. Nursing is slowly resolving: they went ahead and clipped Katherine’s tongue-tie even though the front was mild, with a disclaimer that since it wasn’t bad it might not solve things, & the rear may be more significant, but also more costly to clip. It’s solved maybe 70% of the pain. The other 30% is very, very slowly backing off as my nipples heal. I really wish I could speed that process up more, but I’ve been told its going quickly compared to others with that much damage- probably because all the goop I’m using repeatedly. I’m also in the midst of figuring out adrenal & thyroid balance post birth to put an end to the emotional nose dives and roller coaster ride I’ve been on for the last 3 weeks. Nursing problems or not, I knew the extreme falls were needing an extra look, & my last 2 tweaks seem to have made significant headway.

Now I just need to get into the doc to renew my desicated thyroid prescription.

I do wish though that Dr. Illardi would revisit his Depression Cure book with postpartum needs and situations in mind, that puzzle could use his perspective. I’ve had a heck of a time trying to apply his findings to “eat when they eat, sleep when they sleep” new baby logic, while still attempting to retain the allergy needs dictated by 3rd trimester, trying to stimulate lactation, having difficulty with severe breast pain, and not being able to leave my room half as much as I’d prefer. It’s a puzzle that has already threatened to get the better of me, but as usual I’m fighting with all I’ve got.

——–

In other news:

The basement is also coming along well. Our “living room”/ multipurpose room is nearly complete, and we’re finally working on unpacking things beyond clothing.

The storage area behind the brown chair will eventually get covered with a curtain. That is once I’m certain the crack in the ceiling no longer leaks when it rains.

My child already made friends with the Lego’s in the new open floor space, but there is still room for 2 pieces of exercise equipment, a large dog kennel (blue sheeted cube) , & stacked tables for organizing short term storage & usables.

The other table currently a mess, is intended for being art space, and most (but not all) of what is on it is art supplies. To that end I fully intend to sort & organize to actually be able to use it for its intended purpose.

Nathan’s goal has been to tackle organizing our portion of kitchen stuff in the garage & to make the garage usable space again. He’s about three quarters of the way through that process, but it looks a ton better and you can actually walk around in the garage now (as opposed to squeezing through & still being afraid of tripping, like it was a couple of weeks ago).

It’s starting to feel like home, and to that end we’re getting closer to having everything moved. Nathan’s down to missed odds and ends, & the large outdoor items. Life is finally starting to seem normal again, and things are beginning to look pretty again. That I have to thank the gods for. I asked Kali almost 3 years ago to help me make things pretty again (when I hit the remodeling-brick-walls with the trailer), and it’s finally beginning to take shape, just not the way I thought it would. SO not the way I envisioned.

Anyway, Hannah is giving the home a glorious garden. She helped me rescue plants I’d started the previous 2 years. & those combined with her plants from before, her amazing touch, a bunch of seeds, and a few new plants, things are looking great.

The view of the Iris’ from our room is wonderful too.

Finally, I’ve made cards for a couple of people that were very generous with me this year, birthday & baby wise. I was going to make a 3rd, but that person is nearly blind, so I’m not sure yet how to honor her generosity. Beyond that, it’s taken me over a month, but I’m almost done with an adult coloring page I’m in love with- an elephant.

I can’t take full credit for the cards, the cats were inspired by a single kitty I saw somewhere, & the cover words were also found. I just put my personal touch on it, crafting it with watercolors on heavy art paper, feeling like that meant more than a store bought card. I hope they feel the same way when they get them.

——–

So up, and down, and all around.

My husband and Hannah both keep telling me that I’m amazing & should be congratulating myself. I still have difficulty seeing it, knowing the thousands of things I would still like to accomplish. I do have my moments where I’m like “Yeah I’m a bad-ass giving birth and all the challenges and I’m still trucking with a healthy beautiful baby to-boot”. I just wish I could figure out how to maintain those moments consistently without seeming like or sounding like a narcissistic bastard… Yes that is a fear of mine. Yet another challenge. …

My last request for the day: one less challenge to overcome, let something be easy for once. Let a something, for everyone, be easy for once.

*Siva Hir Su.*

Must keep dreaming!

Since I have nothing positive to say about my current reality, I’m going to ostrich. Or is it put my head in the clouds? Either way, I’m sure as heck doing everything I can to pretend reality doesn’t exist for as long as it takes to write this. Maybe a while longer.

My grand dreams, even though they still seem so far out of reach, I know they are worthwhile.

I dream of a big spacious dome home, indestructible and energy efficient, safe and comfortable for my big chosen extended family. Next to a dome greenhouse big enough to feed us year round, and even have some leftover to share with those that need it.

That big family, I’ve been unable to stop contemplating since the boy and the possibility of his wife entered my awareness nearly 2 years ago. It doesn’t help that the universe is feeding those thoughts with thousands of references to him and related things, which I know mean something, just not what.

For instance this picture:

I encountered this at one of the Sprouts stores we frequent. The elephants were a broken incence holder, I’m assuming an employee arranged them with the other elements, but I never did ask. I only knew it was synchronicity which I knew meant something for me. The panda, I associate with Anya. The dragon, I associate with my fire baby Ian. That’s 2 of 4 little objects, plus 5 larger elephants. I can’t help but turn that into 5 adults and 4 children, it’s just what my brain wants to do, and I have to be honest, it’s a very happy making thought for me.

Where I get lost in “what if’s” is in the vagueness. I see 2 amorphous kids (the pebbles) and knowing now that I’m pregnant with just one, I’m wondering where the other is. I then think there are 5 elephants while the 2 are still pebbles. Where are the other 3 adults that show up before my current baby is no longer amorphous? The only ones I would accept as family that quickly, seem to have made it clear to me it’s not really a possibility. But that takes a step back in reality. So I’ll dream that things suddenly  change and those I love are suddenly not just available, but willing to take a polyamorous leap with me and Nathan. Maybe that’s what the green reversie card means.

I would love to have that family: 5 adults, 4 kids, in a big comfy dome home, each with their own room. It’d be even more wonderful to have that dome home in Colorado or Oregon or Washington- near mountains, and with enough resources to start building Atira. Now that’s a happy dream.

I dream of lots of things that make me happy. Equality, acceptance, love, peace, and most of all happiness. They are all ideals, but ones I’d  love to see physically manifested in my life. Yet, the key to that is healing my brain. Also another wonderful  dream, and one that actually is in reach. I’m getting there, just not there yet, and I’ve got no idea how much  longer it’ll take. One day maybe soon. It’s nice to think that my brain will work right all the time and I’ll really find happiness.

Circling around to family in domes building Atira; I think how wonderful it would be to have kids learning and growing in nature, yet with the resources to acknowledge it’s a comfortable choice. Reminding them it’s not forced out of necessity, that they could do anything else they wanted. A perfect blending of modern comforts and natural world relaxation. That would be nice too.

I want my kids to know they could have anything, but learn to say I don’t need it.  I think it’s the lesson I’ve been chasing all my life, because I was raised to believe everything I really wanted was just out of reach. Perhaps I’ll really learn it when I’ve healed my brain.

I want my kids to play, and have fun, and still learn the basics for getting through life. Something that’s completely attainable with enough loving attention. 

Beyond that there are thousands of tiny dreams. Like, hopefully having a pond with a canoe and paddle boat,  wanting a small playground/swing-set like many families do. Wanting a hot-tub and nice pool ( although as I’ve said before I know the pool is a pure luxury and fairly low on my list). It’d be nice to have a couple of riding horses (I know Anya would love it). I’d  love to have bunks in the kid’s rooms so they can have friends over regularly. I do want my kids, and family in general to be technologically literate so more than one good computer would be helpful.

 Oh, there so many more, but those seem like the important ones. I have ideas about furniture and storage/organizational space, my ideal kitchen (which other than needing to accommodate lots of people, is otherwise fairly normal), things I’d like to have for ambiance and relaxation, and ideals for cleanliness and upkeep.

The trick here though is convincing myself that these are tangible possibilities, and not just the proverbial wet-dream. I really hope all the visions I’ve had, all the clues I see, are real. That the divine really is doing its best to help me heal and find my way to these dreams. I hesitate in believing not because of a lack of faith, I’ve experienced enough to know, I’ve felt the divine in action. No, I hesitate out of a fear that my brain is now playing different tricks on me, and it’s all false, and eventually I’ll realize all of that, and feel hurt again. My fear is the reason my faith falters, but knowledge is power.

 So now, when I realize I’m feeling that fear, I tell myself the inner truths I do know & believe. My hope is that it is enough for now, that it will get me through and over this hump. That perhaps it’ll help push my cart  over the hill and toward much, much better days. Sending love to those I miss, and hoping for brighter days.

Caring too much.

I’ve been running long & hard for weeks.

This week I struggle with caring too much on several topics.

There’s what used to be my favorite building, failing to pay me for months and months and when I finally was done asking nicely they literally looked for reasons to weasel out of payment. I had to involve corporate which not only ate hours of my sleep compiling everything from my side for the corporate office, but also irritated me and made me anxious. I hate having to get pushy and vocal with people, but I will when necessary. It emotionally sucked because this was a building that was my longest standing contract of nearly 5 years, having been my favorite for 3 of those. I even recommended the building to a client at another decent building, and kicked myself later when things changed for the worse. 

I felt my recommendation was based on genuine good standing interactions and after the family moved the person there, everything changed and was not what I told the family. I apologized profusely to that family, explaining that I didn’t know the changes were coming, but the damage was done. He was dieing and they felt they couldn’t risk moving him again. I felt the changes that caused misgivings reflected poorly on me because I gave the family my word that it was a good facility. I am now wary of recommending any facility for fear of that happening again. Yet I’m most angry that I was put in that position, and they still don’t want to pay me for work I already did. I fulfilled my obligations in full, on time, and with extras I didn’t charge for. I didn’t even charge them interest or late fees for nonpayment. I took one for the team and they can’t even pay basic compensation. It’s really gotten under my skin.

Another thing I’m working through is how to process insults from residents. The residents are protected legally and staff have very strict and rigid ways we are allowed to interact. I think on some level the residents know this because they seem to frequently get verbally abusive of me, and really anything or anyone they don’t like. I’m not used, to not being the favorite person, like when I’m doing massage. Yet we’re supposed to treat them as if we are visitors in their home, but there are no protections for our treatment short of a resident being physically abusive to employees. In two and a half months I’ve been sworn at numerous times, and one resident in particular seems bent on insulting me as many ways as she can think of. I’m just supposed to smile and keep moving. Everything gets blamed on dementia, but I suspect that the one woman knows very well she’s insulting me, as she has very mild symptoms of the disease otherwise. Because of that knowledge there have been several times I’ve hid to cry, and several evenings I’ve left work hating the world to spend the rest of my waking hours convincing myself it’s not that bad.

It still doesn’t help that I’m not getting enough sunlight, and still frequently missing my exercise and sleep (especially with the payment battle). All of this as the holiday season is getting into full swing and we’re still not moved.

I find I am fighting the urge to beat up on myself about all these, yet more perceived failures. Fighting depression with everything I’ve got. Losing frequently when no-one is looking.

Today I resorted to playing a Louise Hay video on YouTube for daily devotional, more for myself than them, but I have to say I hoped it sunk into the one lady’s head even just a little. If you’d like a little pick-up, watch it here. I know it was a good reminder for me and I’m going to refocus some of my mental energy on her suggestions. I was already familiar with them, but have lapsed on my practice for quite some time. It can’t hurt, yet another tool for finding some happy in what sometimes seems like a very dismal world.

May you all be buoyant and find your happy this holiday season.

 I will be working on my holiday, Yule, but will have my parent’s (and much of America’s) holiday, Christmas, off.  Hopefully we’ll be moved with enough time to actually get some decorations up before either holiday. Pretty things always help me perk up some. Getting moved and finding some level of “normal” would help too.

Missing puzzle pieces.

“Only miss the sun when it starts to snow”- Passenger “Let Her Go”

It seems my puzzle has crumbled and I’m struggling to attempt to put it back together. Between longer nights with shorter days, cold weather, too little exercise, too little sleep, pregnancy hormones, and feeling generally overwhelmed, my puzzle has completely fallen apart.

I saw it happening, but felt helpless to stop it because most of the pieces were currently out of my control. How do you keep your needs met when things out of your control are major contributing factors? I’m still not sure I have the answer, though I’m working on an attempt.

The straw that broke the camels back was relationship strife. I was generally feeling like I was putting more into relationships than I was receiving in return. I fought with my husband twice. My online Beau quit writing again. I was generally feeling overwhelmed and alone, and like no one was valuing my efforts by demonstrating equal efforts.

I knew I’d fallen in the hole despite my best efforts not to.

My climb out is difficult and arduous. I can see the top, but just can’t seem to reach it.

I can’t fix the sun disappearing, but I’m doing my best to figure out how to get more artificial light. 

The driving hours on end was threatening to prevent light therapy and exercise and sleep, all in one fell swoop. So I’ve taken to staying in the city at all costs. 

Not wanting to overstay my welcome with friends, I’ve now slept in my car once, and then in my “office” once. My office is more a storage closet with a small desk, but the floor is big enough for a mat, so that’s what I did. There was also a part of me that acknowledged that I’m not good company right now, and I just couldn’t find the energy to be social to acknowledge the graciousness of my friends allowing me to stay with them. So in my brain the car or storage closet was better than having to put happy face on, and not having to worry about others hearing me cry in the middle of the night. I feel ashamed for having fallen in the hole when I know what my puzzle is, just because I failed to maintain it.

Additionally, staying in the city, I’m not necessarily saving any money because what I would have spent on fuel was spent on food. However, it has meant I have gotten more exercise and more sleep.

 I have yet to find a solution to get more light therapy. I’ve thought about putting a light somewhere at work, but finding a place to mount it that’s the right hight and location for more than 30 min of my day seems to be the biggest challenge. I’m trying to figure out if I can find a clamp light that I could take with me from room to room, but I’m just not sure if I will be able to find mounting locations at the right height.

There has to be a solution somewhere, but once your brain is struggling it’s extra hard to figure out the solutions.

I keep hoping that my husband finds a new home soon, because that would be the overall solution for everything. However, it seems like pulling teeth to get him moving faster. It’s not that he’s not trying, it’s just he doesn’t get how to manage time efficiently and maximize his days to get the most done. I’ve tried to explain how I juggle things, thousands of times over, even providing others’ websites for guides, but he still has days where he spends all day making a few phone calls and doing a handful of mineal activities, not actually accomplishing anything significant. Then when I point out that something has been being asked of him for 2 or 3 months he gets defensive and tries to argue with me. I just don’t know how to encourage more efficiency and speediness in his actions.

I truly understand the old adage “men, you can’t live with them, you can’t live without them”. I love him, and would be devastated if he were gone, but I’m at my wits end and just need him to have things done. All the way, moved, settled and my puzzle solved so that I can get back out of my hole. 

I hate being in the hole, it’s not fun, and especially knowing the cause and solution. I find I’m extra upset that I can’t get out. I need relief, something fierce.

Abrahams’ quote today was:

“Get so fixated on what you want, that you drown out any vibration or reverberation that has anything to do with what you do not want.”
This blog post has not been that, but now that I’ve vented/explained my-self-state, it’s my hope that I will be able to refocus on those things I do want. As I’ve mentioned before, once I feel like I’m heard, I can often release things enough to get my brain on to other better topics. Hopefully this follows true.

My topics of choice:

New home close to work with new Ikea beds, more sleep, more exercise, and more light. At this point it looks like a rental will be the solution for now, just needing to find the right/best one.

Better relations with hubby and Beau.

Moving toward progress, saving money for baby and Atira.

Hopefully moving toward miracles. Even being depressed my brain occasionally reminds me of good visions I’ve had in the past, especially the one where I’m holding baby (3rd child) standing outside the dome with my family. If that vision of over 9 years is accurate, there’s likely a miracle inbound. I’m doing my best to refocus on that today, if my brain will cooperate with me just a little bit.

Please keep me/us in your prayers and send us good thoughts of progress. I’ll keep fighting like I always have, just another hash mark on the battle board. I haven’t lost the depression war yet, in 22 years of fighting, so even though I face my doubts of that regularly, I feel like I’ll eventually win the war for once and for all.

Rawr!

This is going to be post one of two today. This one because I feel the need to share and release (hopefully finally) a huge negative. The next post will be much more positive.

======

The pre-teens & teens in the homeschool group went stupid. They’re actions could have lead to someone’s death if not for one older smart child, as it is only a handful actually hurt themselves physically. Yet in the aftermath I feel like all the parents want to treat them with kid gloves. The only difference between them getting off the hook now and being in jail for child endangerment is merely 4 years difference in age. Yet the parents want to be ever so cautious in how they convey information life they are afraid of their own children. They really should be more afraid of the consequences of not getting through their thick skulls quickly.

Anyway, I had written the following as a speech I’d intended to deliver at our teen night. Nathan forbade me not wanting to loose friends. I however, went ahead and supplied it to parents via email, where I got exactly the typical response. “This might be too harsh for my baby, I should have the right to tell them how I see fit.” Well OK. I warned you, I gave you resources, I gave the opportunity for help. If your child hurts themselves further I’m off the hook. I did what I could.

…. So, for any other parent that might be dealing with something similar, feel free to share this with your child. That is if you’re not afraid of scaring sense into them. Hopefully since I’m dealing with a bunch of chicken whimps wanting to baby and coddle their children, this speech might help someone else. It’d be nice to know that someone somewhere cares enough about their kids to take swift, appropriately  intense action to wake theirs kids up before their brains completely shut down.

=====

Hi everyone, I’m going to keep this as short and to the point as I can. It has been brought to my attention by more than one person that there is unhealthy discussions and actions in our group regarding Depression, Suicide, and cutting. My goal here is to correct that and create a space where everyone understands and utilizes more healthy approaches to the topic.

Why me, why am I the one doing this? 5 reasons:

  1. I am outright angry, no livid, that this has been happening for months involving multiple children, and with total exclusion of adults. I’m livid because the premise that a handful of 12 to 14 year olds thought they had the skills to determine the level of safety of other children. That not only did they lie to parents, hide information, and create a clique of secrecy disguised as a family, but that their actions literally put children’s lives in danger. I’m especially livid because one of the most affected children was my own. Actions that my child and other children took were enough to get them locked in a hospital without rights for weeks, but this group of children essentially convinced each other that they had everything under control and were in no hurry to fill adults in. It is obvious from those actions that despite what they’ve told themselves and each other, they do not value or respect their lives as much as any of the parents do. It is also a blatant action of disrespect to all of the parents involved. So yes, I am extremely hurt and angered over this situation.

  2. I am a mandatory reporter. Most parents know what that means, but for the kids really quick: It means that if I suspect that someone has been neglected or harmed, by themselves or others in an abusive situation, I am legally required to take appropriate action and then report to the appropriate governing agency. Usually, I work with elderly, but even if I am exposed to a situation involving a minor (someone under the age of 18) I still have to act. That means: IF I am ever aware of a child that is hurt or has been hurt, regardless of the cause, or I am aware of a child threatening suicide: I am legally required to get that child immediate medical attention, and then follow up with Child Protective Services/DHS what facts I know and whether or not the parents were present and who the child’s parent are, and if they weren’t present why/who was left in charge of that minor. The process when no physical harm has happened is a bit more forgiving, and doesn’t necessarily require government involvement immediately. All medical, public transportation, and school related employees are mandatory reporters and I will go into legal ramifications of this more in a moment.

The rest of the reasons I am doing this are because I have struggled with Depression myself, I have a bit of hands on working knowledge, if you will.

  1. So: Being a mandatory reporter and also struggling with depression creates an interesting dichotomy. If I lose control of my mental faculties I am to immediately remove myself from contact with most individuals, especially minors, and I rely on my network of support including: my husband Nathan, close friends, and co-workers; to determine if my state of being is severe enough to warrant a trip to the hospital, or if other means can be used to bring things under control and return me to my right mind. This has happened as recently as the 2 days surrounding the eclipse, where I reacted to the combination of a piece of Casey’s breakfast pizza and not enough sleep or exercise, so badly that I smashed my precious phone, and scared the crap out of my kids and friends.

  2. That bring me to the fourth reason: my depression battle started at 12, the same age as many of the kids involved here. My parents wanted to brush it off as a phase, as maybe something health related (they did take me to doctors, but didn’t try very hard for a genuine diagnosis or solution), they tried to brush it off as being just overly sensitive to bullies, and they tried to make me snap out of it. Obviously, all of those were the wrong answers because now I exist in a world of understanding and determination to bring understanding to others.

  3. That brings me to the 5th reason: Clinical Depression with suicidal thoughts is a very serious medical condition that can cause permanent irreparable damage and death, which you can’t take back. There is a difference between depression the emotion that passes after a short period, and the disease that attacks the brain and leaves people incapable of realizing they even need help, let alone who is the most effective source of help. For instance: Let’s talk about the time when I was 12 and thought about blowing out the pilot light on my parents gas stove and sitting with my head in the oven until I asphyxiated. It’s a good thing they never left home that day because they would have returned to a dead child at best and their house having exploded at worst. Or one of several times I’ve locked myself in bathrooms with a bottle of advil more likely to permanently damage my liver and heart than actually kill me. Or 3 years ago when Ian had just been born and I started driving my van toward a pylon at 90 miles an hour. You name it I’ve thought about it, and fortunately every time I have walked away because a tiny voice somewhere in the back of my mind told me it would hurt too much or that I might fail and that was worse. Those are bigger fears for me than death itself. In the end that self-protection mechanism is what has kept me alive for 22 years, but now I have tools that help make sure it will keep doing so.

SO, this is serious, and I am one of the best people to help you understand why. First I’ll start with legalities, then resulting cost issues, then I’ll talk about options and how it can be fixed.

Legal bits:

Minors age 12 to 18, in the state of Missouri, becomes a grey area because a minor in that age range can be left alone, but if they cause physical harm to themselves or others, the parents are going to be investigated anyway. It is presumed that the parent or legal guardian should have known their child was having trouble, and thus why would they leave them alone.

Another issue to consider, if a child does physical harm to themselves (cutting) or threatens suicide and a legal adult (anyone over the age of 18) is aware, and doesn’t take that child to the hospital or a doctor’s office; that legal adult can be charged with child endangerment and neglect and that can result in jail time. So, under that law, we adults all have a legal responsibility to take cutting and threats or thoughts of suicide very seriously, regardless of the context they are done in, if nothing more than for self preservation.

Does anyone know what happens to a cutter or suicidal minor in the state of Missouri?

If an adult seeks medical care for a child in that situation (which we’ve already discussed is legally required), that child is often admitted to the nearest hospital for up to 2 weeks for observation, diagnosis/classification, medication, therapy, and if needed restraint and 24 hour direct supervision. IF, that child is deemed safe enough to be relinquished to parental care, it might be less, but honestly everyone I’ve known to experience that, ended up with the whole 2 weeks. Usually, the excuse being that the doctors need to see if the medication will work. Translation here being: medications are an educated guessing game, and depending on your physiology some of them might not work, and some may make matters worse. Plus, usually depression medications don’t show full effect for 2 to 4 weeks, so the 2 weeks is really just a good start.

(The exception to this is if the child is taken directly to a psychologist or qualified therapist and the professional deems that the child is safe enough to remain in parental care and supervision while medications are tried.)

If a child is taken to the ER because of cutting and the damage was severe/life threatening, padded arm cuffs can be used as a restraint to attach the child to the hospital bed and prevent further self-harm. If that child proceeds to kick at medical staff or the assigned guardian-supervisor padded leg cuffs can be used as well. Does anyone like the idea of any of these children being strapped to a hospital bed for 2 weeks?

Now, that’s just what they can do, the medical force that is allowed to prevent a child from taking their own life.

What does that cost; in terms everyone understands?

A week of hospitalization care runs on average about $30,000. Nathan and I have both experienced this directly due to non-mental health issues. That is the cost of simply being in the hospital setting, receiving nursing care, having medications dosed, and being fed.

So 2 weeks would be $60,000, assuming that you don’t end up being restrained or having 24 hour supervision, those would cost extra.

So, what is $60,000.00?

(name) that would buy your mom’s boat.

(name) that could also buy a Tesela car.

(name) that could also by 30 of the beater cars like I drive.

(name), I could buy a tiny house and 2 acres of property for that.

(name), it means most average homes could convert to full solar power and have about $25grand left.

It could buy our homeschool group a computer classroom.

It could buy a permanent in-ground pool installed in your yard.

Do I need more examples, do you get it?

Why am I going on about the cost? How many parents know for certain that their insurance covers mental health hospitalization?

Sadly, the state of our current medical system dictates that even though all of this is legal reality, mental health is rarely covered. At best policies will cover a certain percentage or up to a certain dollar amount, but most policies don’t cover any mental health costs, except medications. I know that my policy won’t even cover most mental health prescriptions. That means if your minor ends up in the hospital you will be left holding a really big bill.

That’s not a very good option.

So, then what other options are there?

First, children can be honest with their parents, and if they are genuinely struggling, their parents can help them find a much less costly solution. The longer you avoid talking about real problems you are facing, the less likely you will come out the other side in a positive manner, and the more likely you will end up strapped to a bed or worse: dead.

There are a variety of therapy options including talk therapy, cognitive behavioural therapy, and even as extreme as shock therapy, which is still used, because in extreme cases it does work. Even low income solutions exist. The important thing is to get yourself to a qualified professional and list what you have tried, and let them know you are willing to try. Many professionals are willing to work with you, and can do a variety of therapies, before launching into attempting medications, if you start early before you’re in dire straights.

Last fall my co-workers let me know that my symptoms had gotten out of control and they connected me with the free/reduced clinic. (I’m pointing out here that it took multiple adults outside of myself to acknowledge that.) I filed income paperwork and they assigned me a supervised Grad student and medical doctor. My solution came in the form of a book (“The Depression Cure” by Dr. Ilardi) combined with cognitive behavioural therapy, and hypothyroid medication adjustments. Therapy was once a week for 14 weeks at no cost to me, there were 2 doctor visits at $10 each, and lab work for $20.00. (that clinic does not take minors, but there are still options available through other clinics.)

You see my particular brew of Clinical Depression is literally inflammation in the brain and thyroid damage because of food allergies bumping up against my hormones. My brain literally swells too big for the space it has, and my thyroid has been damaged so badly it is sluggish on a good day. I knew about the thyroid damage prior to therapy, and I knew that I had tried several things that helped to a degree, but no single one of them solved my problems entirely. The doctor helped me adjust medications which had actually gone too high, so that my thyroid symptoms backed off. Then the therapist worked with me to correct my mental patterns and fit all of my puzzle pieces together into something that when it’s maintained I feel great. If I keep everything together I have absolutely no symptoms of depression. But that’s the hard part, and it’s why I have a support team of my husband, friends and co-workers.

I keep myself sane by:

– watching what I eat, to do my best to avoid the food triggers that caused the inflammation and damage

-Getting enough sunlight, or artificial sunlight, to stimulate serotonin production, and brain function to help with mood issues

-getting enough sleep to encourage my body to heal existing damage, and allow inflammation to subside

-getting enough exercise for it’s anti-inflammatory properties as well as it’s body mending abilities

– and I take a whole bunch of pills that control thyroid function, that help fight the inflammation, that help balance my hormones, and finally that provide the necessary nutritional building blocks to repair damage and allow for better healthier brain function

All of this is the result of 22 years of trial and error, with the book filling in the blanks that I couldn’t figure out, and a therapist to guide me, and friends and family to support me.

Your kids could avoid at least some of that. If they really are struggling and you really take it seriously and work diligently with them, they could avoid any damage to their body and live happy lives. All at the cost of a $14 book and a couple of cheap supplements and better food and lifestyle choices.

However, that means that kids; you have to suck it up and start talking to your parents again. They are your parents, and they’ve stuck with you this long, it’s likely they will stick with you as long as they live, even if you frustrate them or anger them, they will still care about you. Besides:

  1. If your parents didn’t care they wouldn’t get angry over anything, and they especially wouldn’t support you daily or provide any one of the fun things they already  do.

  2. You’ll have to talk to adults in general, but especially your parents, your entire life.

  3. Having your parents get mad is better than ending up in a hospital strapped to a bed.

  4. The perceived trouble is always proportional to the severity of the problem and the amount of lies you told. The worse you allow something to get, the worse things can be, so the goal should be admit things more quickly for minimal impact- RIGHT!

It also means you need to cooperate, and when you are given information, do your best to work with that information and give it a solid chance to try and enable improvement. Nothing can help if you just look at a paper and set it aside, if you call everything pointless and stupid then you will be guaranteed to get the same results you already have.

It is really up to you if you want to get better, and I can tell you for certain that you can. Yet, if you don’t believe me, read the book. It’s called the Depression Cure for a reason, it works for over 90% of people struggling to stay alive.

Finally, the funniest man in America, Robin Williams, killed himself because of Depression. Depression is no joke.