Tag Archives: battle with depression

Punch a Monk

I told Nathan that’s what I want to do. I wouldn’t really, it’s just words to express my frustrations.

I’m not some monk sitting in robes in some mountain monastery all day for the rest of my life. In fact that sounds like a really great permanent vacation at this point.

No phone, no internet, people all busy taking care of their inner world, being served minimal extra healthy meals, getting perfect amounts of sleep regulated for the group as a whole. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that picture and the human experience.

In fact it’s the ideal.

And that’s why I want to punch them.

I’m supposed to try and fit monk ideals into:

Being the provider for a single income household, mom of 3 obstinate kids, wife to a kind but struggling husband, working 6 days a week, and trying to play catch-up for everything that failed when Nathan landed in the hospital again.

I pretty much told god, it may not actually be impossible, but it’s so damn close that the level of expectations is rediculous.

I want to punch Sadhguru, and every monk that ever made it sound easy. I want to punch them and scream at them to go and do it in my life. Go ahead, let’s switch roles for a couple of months, I’ll play monk in robes in quiet solitude and you can carry out all of my roles for a month. I dare you.

I’m supposed to be able to fix it all, manage it all. There’s supposed to be resources for all of it. But despite all of my well meaning efforts, all of my mantras and meditations, the resources simply aren’t there. Most of it is my direct responsibility, and my magic wand has run out of batteries long ago.

I had to stop the service that was taking some of the load off my shoulders. We’d hit a waiting for paperwork to process wall, and were told it could be 2 to 3 months before we got any answers. Bonus, everything else that they could have helped resolve would have taken dollars I didn’t have, at least right now. The chiropractors didn’t really have it in the budget to begin with, so I acknowledged the immense help it was, and willingly cut the cord.

I really need a real live personal assistant and about 20 grand in the bank to attempt to bring a monestary feel to my doorstep. Seeing as how that’s not happening today, or likely even this week, I keep reaching for the best I can in any given moment.

So, with all of that in mind, I am going to poke fun at Sadhguru’s quotes from this week. Who knows maybe he’ll read it and get a chuckle.

Seriously though, I have fit in some hammock time even with overcast weather. I have done meditations at night, and I’m savouring my beach time by looking at the pics and videos and letting my mind be back there. The To-Do-list is moving slowly to try and keep my shit together and keep myself from stressing so much. There is less stress, but it is not gone. I’m doing my level best with the situations and elements I have to work with and around. Perhaps one day I will find my path starting to get easier, but it’s been so long I’m really clinging hard to my hope of that.

May you find the humor when life fails. May you know that ideals are lofty goals and the rest of us are just responsible for reaching as high as we possibly can. May you see the good in your life and have enough time and resources to manage everything. May you know that you are supported and that the trickle can grow. May you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do, even when it is poking fun at monks and the negatives of your life.

Om Shanti

Back Home.

I’m home and mostly caught up on sleep.

Heading out I quietly hid tears. The anti-LGBTQ brother was driving me to the airport. I couldn’t let him see my tears because I couldn’t talk about it. They were partly because I didn’t really want to go home yet, I wanted another week to myself. But too I was still sore for the revelation that I’m still not good enough for my family, that me being me is not within the range of acceptable. I really deserve to be accepted for who I am, even when some stupid institution says otherwise. God sees value in every single thing in this world, or it would not exist. God sees value in everything or it would not have been created to begin with. I am of God and I deserve to be acknowledged as such, even with being bisexual. I deserve to be loved as I am wholly and completely, because every cell, every molecule, every atom in my being is there because of God. I didn’t say any of it to my brother, I just thanked him for the visit and the ride to the airport, wished him a wonderful retirement, gave him a last hug and left.

Anyway, the return flight was as beautiful as the first, and I again took way too many pictures, even trying to catch the night ground. It’s moments like that I know I’m not really a photographer. Nathan would have known how to compensate for the speed and darkness to get great night pictures.

Also, there was a moment of note with person that sat next to me for half of the return flight. He was a quiet man, but I could feel him more than most passengers. It wasn’t uncomfortable like when I pick up on clients’ aches, but it was a bit distracting. I noted he was working on a crossword and there were words which caused me to begin to wonder. They were a little too coincidental, but I didn’t want to get caught staring trying to figure out if they were correct answers to the cues. So, I distracted myself with music and mantras. I was somewhat relived that he wasn’t right next to me for the 2nd half as I figured either I’d say something stupid or embarrass myself loosing to the distraction.

Instead, the second half, I sat by the Grandma and toddler of a family traveling together. The little girl reminded me of Katherine and made me glad I was almost home. I shared “The Forest of Piano” with the little girl hoping it might help her fall asleep, like it does my kids. She was less than impressed and stayed fidgety, ultimately cuddling in grandma’s lap to fall asleep.

So I started watching “The Boy Who Harnessed the Wind” I ended up finishing it yesterday afternoon while playing catch-up on rest. It’s a really good film, and even though it has some intense drama, it is ultimately a very inspiring film about a real life situation. It’s not the only movie I’ve seen this year, but it is the only live action, based on real events, type movie, I’ve seen in a long time. I really enjoyed it.

Anyway, now that I’m home, I’m mentally processing things I said while visiting family. I always wish I could say things better or do just the right thing, but I always feel like I fall short. I often second guess everything I say, and simply feel like I’m not good enough. Bonus add that whole ‘believing that sexuality differences are wrong’ and knowing I simply don’t fit, didn’t help.

I’ve done my best to push that one out of my mind and then I circle back to my other brother telling me he has thyroid cancer and they’re going to take his thyroid out.

I’m pissed at the system for failling me and my family, all of us. I’m pissed at the fact that I was the only one trying to help him; doctors/hospitals do bare minimum to treat symptoms, but every step along my journey I would tell him what I was doing. That is until he got mad at me and quit talking to me.  I’ve done my forgiving for the not taking phase, but now I’m frustrated that he’s taken a hit as a result. I have always been the little sis, and so he rarely actually acts on anything I say, but at least I was trying. I genuinely wanted my brother to know there was another option, another way, and help him the way I’ve helped myself. Nathan says it’s all okay, it’s his journey, but it makes me sad. Then I worry that I’m far too close to that diagnosis myself, uncomfortably so. I am beginning to believe that some of my shoulder pain may be my body trying to tell me my thyroid is doing worse. I so very hope not. I have some more things to try before I give up and let a doctor do their idea of diagnosis, I just don’t have any faith that they’ll do anything other than the most common possibilities, and throw in the towel if/when it doesn’t show what was expected. I’ve had far too many of those moments. But even if they really figure out the root cause, then what? Slice and dice with a life sentence of high dose medication, or kiss your butt goodbye. Those aren’t exactly appealing options, especially when I’ve done my damnedest to reach for better, health and healing.

Anyway, what was supposed to be three days of relaxation has turned into a renewed focus to find that, at least now that I’m back home. I deserve to be able to relax and heal. My giant priority list has been put on hold until I can heal enough to feel like I’m safely out of the scare zone. I need me. My family needs me. I need to find and maintain my inner light and help myself enough be able to keep being there for others.

Today I spent a long time reaching for that while I simmered a pot of Saag for 3 hours. I meditated on healing myself feeling the positive flow of electrons in my body. I felt the energy and moved it all around from head to toe. It felt really good and very helpful. I hope it can help me permanently reach for better. I deserve to heal fully. I am determined to heal myself.

May you have mostly good moments. May you trust your role and any words you use to accurately convey your thoughts. May you know you are fully and completely accepted as you are and that your efforts matter. May you feel better about yourself and your health and know that you are healing. May you look back and see how far you’ve come and see the positive results of all your efforts. May you know that God loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Catching Up: 2

Anything can be comical.

It’s all in how you see it.

I felt I need to use my bought of suicidal depression this week as fodder to find humor and also some self-appreciation. It was an inspired ‘for instance’ moment:

You can view my suicidal depression from the standpoint of that really sucks. That I’ve lived with cronic severe depression since I was 12, and didn’t fully grasp how to climb out quickly for years. It ravaged my life on so many levels it’s hard to even put words to. I lost days, weeks and entire swaths of years to crippling depression; and knowing now that it had a medical cause based on layers of organ malfunction and chronic viral disease, it can be maddening to think about how my life might have gone if it had been properly diagnosed and fully treated starting when I was 12. It still is maddening, knowing that so much damage was done, that it takes extra special levels of self-care and uncovered alternative treatments to attempt to solve it now. Something that I struggle to accomplish being a responsible member of society.

BUT

Then I think about how many times I’ve seriously weighed pros and cons of tool options for suicidal execution, and thus how likely I might be successful…. Is there a Guinness record for that? I think I’ve won it! Perhaps if there’s not, I should petition them to make it a category. Except who actually keeps track of that shit?! Don’t you have to prove quantities? Well I guess that’s out of the question. … However, I’ve also oogled pretty flowers and funny cat videos probably just as many times. Somehow that scale keeps balancing! I wonder what the actual ratio of depression-thoughts to YouTube-distraction and nature is? Hmmm…. Visualizing scales of justice… Dark cloud on one side and fluffy things on the other. That’s a lot of fluff!

And oh it gets better:


Just think how many times I’ve actually gotten really close to said execution. On one hand, holy shit! It seriously takes a while to count/remember them all! On the other hand, I’ve now proven you can go back and forth across that line many times and still be standing. I have danced with death and walked away from it. I bent, kissed his hand and said adiu, maybe another day, there are other dances I still want to experience. I’ve proven it can be done, not just once, but several times. This last one was more like and old man’s shaky punch to the face, but I got my point across! Hoorah! KMA!

Or then consider: I’ve danced with death so much that I can just see the darkness coming a mile away now. I can half predict the collective’s trajectoiry because of it. It makes for really interesting rants in my effort to wake people up in time. I know I’m not catching very many in the grand scheme, but perhaps my drop will matter, will become the ripple. Especially with Med/Vax fails probably being signs of the industries’ impending doom. Wonder what all those doctors will do when no one trusts their profession anymore, least not enough to pay a living wage. That’s Dr. Fry Boy to you. One Covid-gone-worse is all it’ll take for western medicine to crumble completely, especially if it happens anytime soon while this burn is still stinging. I’m not putting my eggs in that basket any more than absolutely necessary, they hold keys to my tools, and if I can eliminate the need for those keys, I’d be doing even better. It’s like a string of lemmings heading for the cliff, you know what’s coming and don’t know whether to laugh hysterically or cry over the fail. (To clarify I’m specifically referencing the big institutions and 3 big pharma that have screwed the pooch repeatedly during Covid. Though all those small docs that just row the line when it doesn’t make sense might as well be included, especially when they fall to do their own jobs properly.) BTW, if you haven’t watched “Grizzly & the Lemmings” available on netflix, or played the CD-Rom “Lemmings” game from the 90’s, then you should you get this humor better.

My point is, I have done what many have failed, not just once, but many times. I have courted death and walked away capable of being a responsible citizen. When I was 12 I never found the positives, I just managed to not die. Now that I’m an adult, it’s almost like world’s craziest roller-coaster… “Hi death, you wanna ride with me? No, okay, see you in a bit. … AHHHHHHHHH! 🙃 Weeeee! 😆 Yea! ðŸĪŠ Awe, the ride is over 😕…. wait a minute, if I go again I can avoid Death longer. Ride-tender, can I just stay on indefinitely?! No okay, at least one more and I can dodge him later. ðŸĨī”

I’m actually getting quite good at it. I’m not out of the hole completely, but considering that Sunday evening I was contemplating taking Nathan’s heart meds to not wake up in the morning, I’m doing quite spectacular in comparison. The only thing slowing me down at this point is that my biological processes need recuperation time. I’m definitely up enough to consider it another win, and finding the humor side of all of it does help significantly.

May you find the humor as relief for the worst moments of life. May you see the benefit of all of it. May you know you are capable and strong. May you find ways to laugh at your failures, and acknowledge your strength is in getting back up and trying again. May you understand that those moments are the evidence that you are doing it. There is no try, only do. May you see that everything teaches us valuable lessons to share with others so that they might escape the extreme difficulties. May you know you are loved and supported in all that you do.

Om Shanti