Tag Archives: be kind to yourself

Appropriately Colorful Euphemisms- a good start.

Put up or shut up.

Pot calling the kettle black.

Shit or get off the pot.

A few bricks shy of a full load.

My morning started with dreams, a shower rant, and holding a dieing raptor.

The dream was essentially being told I wasn’t listening and I was doing it all wrong. Maybe it wasn’t a dream maybe it was me loosing to the brain trauma of that sentiment in my repetitive experience. I moved my hands and turned on my Reiki. It helped but did not fix, again.

In the shower I went off about how I have energetically carried everyone my whole life, not even knowing that I was doing it. Their words and actions having an even greater impact me because I felt them on levels our language can’t handle and I had no comprehension for… No one did. I was angry that God didn’t fix it, that nothing I have wanted or enjoyed ever lasted because I would get sucked right back into energetic lead boots. Even worse, was the acknowledgement that my children carry the ripple effects and I’m powerless to fix it.

On my way to work at the 2nd stop sign of my route, there was what I thought was a perigrine laying in the road. Once our vehicle stopped I realized he was still moving. I lept out and picked him up. He was bleeding from his nose, brain truama had definitely occurred. He looked at me and then closed his eyes. Nathan asked where, or if, we could take him for help. I said he wouldn’t make it, there was nothing I could do. I placed him gently in the grass beside the road and got back in the car crying out loud.

I am angry over a lot right now. Traumas I and my brother faced. Diseases we contracted that medical institutions did nothing to solve but pretended to have solutions for. Failures at every turn, often missed by people supposedly educated enough to have God complexes. Angry at myself for allowing the diseases and traumas in, for dragging my family like a whole train of lead carts, for failing to help myself sooner.

I’m angry at the perceived promises and my believing them too long. I’m angry that I didn’t listen to my inner being better and sooner. I’m angry that I’ve been unable to get others to see it and that the same system is doing it again and keeping everyone stressed in the process. That the system itself is dooming us to death sentences, that we are all now ticking time bombs, that no one even registers it’s already begun and the system is set-up to deter real healing because of impacts to profits.

I’m angry that my stumbling through textbooks and the internet has provided answers that help, but still don’t fix it enough to save my life. My best answers were divinely guided, but too slow, too late, to ineffective, and not complete solutions. My connection to God has only slowed everything. At the rate my family is going, and my ability (or lack thereof) to maintain near perfection indefinitely, I might get another couple decades if I’m lucky. If I fail, my life is more likely to end sooner. No miracles have happened, no solutions for any of us, means we are all squarely responsible for our own health however long that may be. So I’m angry that I’ve been unable to get anyone to understand that, and heed warnings which I simply feel in my body and awareness.

The list could go on and on.

But I must stop it.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

I’m not high right now, but would like to be, it helps. I’m not as flexible as is ideal, but would like to be, it helps. I’m not as slender as I’d like to be, my body feels a bit better the slimmer I get, it’s easier to find balance than in my past, it has helped. I’m not as healthy as ideal, but would like to be, it helps. I’m not as smart as I’d like to be, it helps. My intuition isn’t as clear as I would like it be, it has helped more than anything. I like eating everything, but like feeling better more, so I’m doing the best to find the best balance I can.

I can’t fix it, so right now I’m not. I’m not fixing anything. I’m not being there for anyone. I’m not helping anyone see anything. I’m not making a difference or changing the world. I’m not keeping anyone else alive. I’m not dragging anyone with me. I’m not getting my point across. I’m not making anything right. I’m not arguing for anything anymore. I’m not filling others’ roles or expectations anymore. I’m not taking care of anyone else. I’m not repeating myself for anyone. I’m not getting anyone to listen. None of my efforts have worked anyway.

I’m ineffective, misunderstood, misconstrued. I’m intimidating and fear inducing. And none of that is me. No one wants me. No one wants all of me, most everyone only wants one small portion of me. If no one wants all of me, then I want me for me. I’m not mirroring anyone or anything else anymore.

I’m me. What is me? Who is me?

If I really truly drop every iota of that and more, then there’s nothing left but me. Is there any hope left? Is there any kindness left? Is there any healing left? Is it possible, can I just be me for me in wholeness and goodness? Just let go completely and still be alive? I don’t know the answer and I’m scared. Grieving for my family and letting go of everything. Letting go fully is hard when things are going well and energy ties are easy. Grief is hard when it’s only one obstacle. Layers compound everything.

Easy is just breathing. Right now just breathing. Quiet stillness and breathing. It’s a good middle ground that is easy to find. That’s where I will aim. Just quietly breathing and focused on where I sit. It is the closest I can reach for now, for being the fullness of ME, for little ‘ole me. Quietly breathing in this one spot.

May you find your best spot for quiet breathing and know that your best has to be good enough. May you know you will make it through trying times. May you know that being yourself is the best thing you could ever be, and that it doesn’t matter if anyone ever notices, cares, or listens, because God intended you to be just as you are. Above all, may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti


Bird Correction: It was a red shouldered hawk, see link:

https://www.allaboutbirds.org/guide/Red-shouldered_Hawk/photo-gallery

I’m going to go with between morning lighting and my emotions, the head seemed much more grey in the moment, and belly less red. Still a raptor I couldn’t save. That’s not how I wanted to hold a majestic bird, anyone for that matter. I hate being a harbinger of death, a real life Banshee; death doula makes it sound far too benign. Regardless of the name used, it is my most disturbing talent, which occurs far too frequently for comfort.

Manufactured Fear

So the short of it is the news is scaring us again when info has to be being fabricated, at least in part. It may be just an exaggeration, but not acurate info in our news should incite everyone’s awareness reactions.

I had a rough massage Sunday morning. I think I pissed my therapist off, but have yet to fully understand, already having offered up apologies. Leaving the massage I was having the major physical response to a full body trauma release: shaking, crying, the whole 9 yards. When the involuntary shaking and crying subsided, my body started hurting as if I had consumed corn or potatoes. Everything from the top of my head to the tips of my toes, was majorly inflamed and screaming in pain. I went home and took an epsom salt bath and hydrated including a large can of coconut water. I took all my herbal remedies for inflammation. Nothing touched it so I went to bed really early to at least eliminate the depression it was causing.

This morning I woke still in massive pain. I didn’t want to go to work but knew I needed to, still no alternate solutions available. So, I took my herbal anti-inflammatories and some Advil, nothing else. Another day of fasting.

Once I was at work, the one client called us and cancelled, and the admin work was acknowledged as being able to be managed by the one front desk person. I was released to go home. Another 4 hours of sleep and the worst of the pain was finally subsiding. Down to just a massive headache and a few painful hotspots throughout my body, the office manager and acupuncturist both suggested a c-v.d test. I said sure, and acknowledged that even though I had absolutely no other symptoms, they could be right.

I started attempting to solve that. Walgreens would not accept me in the drive thru saying I needed to schedule online. I went online from their parking lot and 30 frustrating minutes later gave up. I went to Hy-Vee online to attempt to get in at one of their locations. No Hy-Vees within a 100mile radius had testing available. I went to CVS online. No rapid tests available in a 50 mile radius, and no 2day tests available at any one of 25 locations nearest me for at least a week out.

I was heading to an urgent care center for an obviously not urgent matter, when the acupuncturist called me to have me come get her last at-home e-test. Unopened and new.

I got home, sat down, downloaded the app, watched the video, and started the test. Immediately after it connected via Bluetooth it gave me a recall notice but refused to produce the “order a replacement” page, despite many attempts to do so. I even thought of starting completely over from scratch and the exact same thing happened, recall notice with inability to obtain replacement. I didn’t screenshot every single attempt, that would have been a lot of pics. I only did a few after frustrations peaked.

I’m just saying. There are some awefully big numbers being cited by news organizations when the only actual testing is happening at hospitals and health department locations. We know they have tests because that is where Nathan has received all 5 of his. But hospitals reserve them for pre-proceedure or the horribly sick people that enter the ER. It’s not the tens of thousands of people (locally) or hundreds of thousands (nationally) they are talking about.

How are the numbers so large when tests are unavailable and previously purchased tests are suddenly recalled? Who’s actually accomplishing testing?

They’ve admitted the latest variation isn’t as severe, so, are that many people really wasting all day in urgent care centers for a simple test? If they were, there would be news stories about all of the urgent-cares being overwhelmed, and I’ve driven past enough of them this week to simply know that isn’t true. There are 3 on my route to work, and several others in proximity to my daughter’s work and our regular shopping areas. None of them have full parking lots. So I’m having difficulty with my awareness, painfully not matching, the numbers that supposedly just keep climbing and climbing daily.

Just sayin’. Something smells fishy here, and it’s not anything cooking in the oven.

I may or may not, have had a c.v.d experience the last two days. To me it seemed more like a physical response to my massage, which is not unheard of. It was more extreme than I warn my clients of, but then again I am hyper sensitive these days. Regardless, I will never know for certain, and the office staff will not have the comfort of a negative because it’s simply not available.

One last thing that is still getting my goat. If this is so damn scary, and the injectable is failing at controlling it, then why on Earth aren’t we testing a couple dozen options for treatment and full recovery? So far there’s the two existing meds that people are fighting over, and one new proposed drug in testing. That’s it?!?! In my universe I’d try 12 and go with the one that works the best, or maybe get a surprising combo out of the works. It’s been a good practice in multiple arenas in my life, saved my ass more than a few times. But hey, what do I know, I’m just a stupid massage therapist trying to survive something much bigger than any singular individual can truly solve.

May you never have reactions like my body produces. May you stay healthy and be less sensitive. May we all find a true solution and our own survival. May you see the things that simply just don’t add up and use that knowledge to disarm your fears. May you know that sometimes corporations really enjoy feeding off of our fears. May you know there is always a alternative way around, through, or over, and patience is what is needed most. May you know you are always free and that fabricated fears have no home in your life. Above all: May you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

I hit post and then Nathan found this in a local FB group.

Real is now.

I owe Nathan an apology. I had a ‘”look at the real picture honestly so that you don’t get disappointed” moment and he wanted me to have hope for better.

I still prefer a quick easy life exit, and still don’t have much hope for major sweeping social changes during my lifetime.

But in a way Nathan was right. My biggest problems lie in trying to solve what is out of my hands, and I not staying in the now consistently.

My now really isn’t as bad as it could be, and the disease(s) that like(s) to lie to my brain, is loosing more frequently than previous. I see the mental lies for what they are, and when I catch them I can walk right around them.

Really when I catch the negative lies, I simply refocus on the now, and the positives I do know. But after several years of practice I am still not 100% consistent. Hell, I’m not sure I’m even 75% yet, but I do think I’m over the half way hump enough to matter for improvement.

So when brains start telling us the other is going to die; I remember that it’s not right now or I wouldn’t be having an argument with my brain to begin with, I’d be dead.

Now
I'm breathing
Now
I'm awake
Now
I'm making a choice
Be present
Be here
Be alive
Be me
Remember who
i am
I
God's
Gift
A healer
Incarnate
Here
To Do
Divine
Work
For mySelf
To Do
The ultimate
For humanity
It is
Possible
I can
If i
Let I
Help

~ Treasa Cailleach

May you see your now and the way to healing. May you know that your own healing is the first step to healing all of humanity. May you know the ripple always starts with one drop. May you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

I am who I am

I am ME
I am greater
Yet
I am me
I am human

Two in one
Infinitely
Complex

One ultimately
Infinitely
Undefinable
One finitely
Labelable

Two parts
Of MY
Whole

I will never
Change
Because
I am constantly
Changing

Always being
Me
Improving

Striving
Work
Never-ending
Possibilities
Of betterment

Worked too hard
To undo
What's done

Won't
Can't
Go back
To worse
To lesser

Times
Emotions
Attitudes

Main trajectory
Upwards
Aimed for
Heaven
Goals in mind

Knowing
Inaccuracies
In My aim

Willing to settle
Heaven
Isn't necessarily
In the
Sky

Stars
Do
Fall

Dreams
May come
In disguise
Or as
Surprise

Still have to
Aim
Somewhere

Just
Aim for
Improvement
You'll always
Be right

~Treasa Cailleach



May you see yourself in new light, and see others in the best ways possible now. May you have more understanding, acceptance, and appreciation for your journey within. May you know your greatest journey and most wonderful rewards come from elements unseen, others will rarely notice. May you feel the knowing that you have worked towards improvement and bettered your life and those around you. May you know you have had an impact on this world and be at peace with how that manifested. May you know your mortality and accept the process peacefully when the time is ripe. Above all may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all you do.

Om Shanti

Bison Finished.

Bison commission…. start to finish. I will scan and frame it tomorrow.

Prismacolor artist pencil, oil pastels, and chalk on 11×14 bristol paper.

May you have wonderful creative moments that help your brain and bring beauty into the world. May you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti