Tag Archives: be loved

Mom hates goodbyes.

I understand. I do to.

I was going to call mom on Christmas and I heard her, from thin air, very distinctly say “I wish everyone would just leave me be.” So instead I sent a package with a note that said that, and wished her a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. It was a minor factor in why I didn’t call everyone else, having layers of reasons for everything these days.

She got the package yesterday and called me.

She admitted she isn’t doing well and was visited by two of my brothers over the weekend, which left her very tired and achey. In the conversation she spoke of her knowing of the extent of her ailments, and stressed several times that she was still in her right mind, that everything was physical in her body, not her mind.

She spoke of wanting to have already been gone and that she feels it is time to go, but that she definitely doesn’t want family pestering her, doctors either.

She asked me several questions regarding my intuition, and I answered honestly, about her and the rest of the family. I explained I knew that I was likely to loose 3 people in my immediate future, and was only confused on the 3rd. As for her situation, I told her my intuitive guidance had already chimed in on that as well. I just knew that what she needed to do, was what she used to do when Dad couldn’t or wouldn’t get a job, except that she needed to make her own request for herself.

I told her that I fully understood everything she was saying, because I genuinely do.

We’ve both worked in nursing enough to know the fullness of that future, and neither of us wants that. Also, we’ve both learned enough about our own health concerns to know that Western medicine can’t always fix the problem. I reminded her that hospice is still an option and if set up now while she’s able, she can file appropriate forms to make sure morphine is her only treatment. She said she isn’t ready for that step yet. I told her I would help when she was, if she wanted me to. I also reiterated my standing offer for a wide array of other options, and that if at any point she changed her mind it was totally fine.

See, I know that my mom has been there for everyone around her, to the very best of her abilities, for her entire life. It is where I learned it.

For once she is finally making a selfish decision and I fully, 100%, support her in that. She deserves it. She deserves to have the peace. She deserves to have the quiet she always longed for. She deserves to enjoy her days the way she wants to. She deserves to have something of hers before she leaves this world, and I will do a anything she wants me to, especially if it supports her end of life desires. If she wants to be alone in her quiet Iowa apartment, then that is what she can have.

I love my mom more than anything or anyone in this world, Nathan and my kids are tied for a close second, a couple of my brothers tie for third (though I’m not sure they realize it). We haven’t always agreed 100%, but she taught me everything that has been of great value to me. I respect her and know she deserves anything she wants. And what she wants is a quiet, peaceful, exit from this world. I am fully in support of her.

She requested that I not tell my siblings of the details of her state, but if I knew any way to calm them down it would be appreciated. She also said that when she was gone to please make certain that my siblings knew it was her choice and that she had lived a happy life. She just wanted everyone to know she has no regrets. I told her I would do my best, just like I always have.

I love my mom and I will miss her terribly fierce, but I have to let her go. I simply must, to be able to fully support her decision, and maintain my progress. Besides, I do truly believe she deserves anything she wants, and this is what she wants.

I love you momma. Peace be with you. Go find your stallion and Irishman.

May you know you are loved and that you deserve anything you want. May you see you are truly loved always. May you know with everything in your being that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do. May peace be with you always.

Om Shanti

Finally

At least for today, this will be my final post. It’s one of those days, I’ll take it while it’s flowing and I’m able to weasel a moment to type. BTW, my middle post had two stanzas added after I hit publish, edits happen. If you caught it before I finished editing check it out again.

What does
Love
Of
For
Self
Look like?

Is it
Clothes worn
Replaced
Often
As body size
Dictates

Or rewards
Earned
For having
Won
Battles
Waged
Internal

Is it
Flowers
Plants bought
Beauty
To brighten
A space
To enjoy
Everyday
All year

Is it
Treating
One's self
With
Respect
In words
And actions
Because
Respect is Earned
And self
Definitely
Earned it

Is it
Loving touch
Sensual
Exploration
Or palpable
Fixing of
Muscular woes
Easing discomforts
Soothing nerves
Relaxing
Body

Is it
Quiet
Stillness
Brain's
Breath
Giving self
Safe space
To BE
SELF
Still
Calm
Centered

Is it
Activities
Creative
Enjoyment
A Presence
In the world
With loved ones
Doing
Making
Memories
Filling
Lifetimes

Or is it
All of the above
Anything
Everything
You would
Do to
Give
Another
As affection
All are
Valid
To show the
Same affection
To self

Self is
Pure
Positive
Beautiful
Radiant
You

Self
Knows more
Feels more
Loves more
Accepts more
Handles more
Cares more
Creates
So much more

Self is
Amazing
Kind
Compassionate
Caring
Loving
Healing
Beautiful
Exuberance

You
Cannot
Not
Love
Self

Self
Is
Perfect

Give
Self
The best
You
Are able
And learn how
To improve
On abilities
To honor
Self
So it will
Always
Get
Better and
Better

You
Deserve
You
Deserve
Self
Deserve
Better
Always

~ Treasa Cailleach

Love yourself and all that you do. Honor yourself, respect yourself and show yourself you deserve the best you’re able. Your inner pureness has earned every last bit of loving honor. An it harm none, do what ye will. Above all know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Honor, respect, love

This is to follow up with the poem. I feel like I’m downloading a message.

Honor :

  • For strength, to get through and create better.
  • For intelligence, so that I have been able to do anything I’ve set my mind to.
  • For endurance and perseverance, being able to see things through too the end.
  • For strong logic enabling solutions to even the most complex problems, to eventually be found.

Respect:

  • For being able to feel and know the deeper truth.
  • For understand when others didn’t.
  • For showing me how to be kinder and gentler.
  • For helping me have a voice, teaching me young that someone would always listen no matter what.

Love:

  • I am a beautiful creator.
  • I am perfect just as I am.
  • I’m everything I was supposed to be.
  • I’m doing everything in my power to leave this world a better place.

May we all see the blessings in our lives. May we all love ourselves in the best and highest good. May we all navigate life fully and joyfully. May our days become brighter and brighter. May we all have hope for our futures. May you know above all God loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Inked commitments

I see a lot of ink in my job, in fact sometimes I recognize somebody’s face, but I don’t really remember who they are until they get on the table and I see their ink. This week one of my irregular clients was in. I’ve seen her 2 or 3 times over the last year and half, so I didn’t immediately remember her. She has a tattoo that reads: “I am my own before I am anyone else’s”. That helped me remember and in prior sessions she was fairly quiet.

Her tattoo, however, made me think about commitments in a big way. Not just the commitment of ink, but in the message it, and she, conveyed.

She spoke of having a fiancee, someone she cared about and was committed to, but then she also spoke about not getting married ever. She referenced all the problems that happen in regards to marriage. She spoke mainly of financial concerns based on a book she had read encouraging people to navigate the system in beneficial ways. They were all thoughts that had crossed my mind early in mine and Nathan’s relationship. She’s right, there are lots of reasons to not want to get married. I have experienced some of them in my own marriage and in watching my parents marriage. Financial concerns, strife and arguments being the biggest factors that I’ve noticed in mine and my parents marriages.

I admired her commitment to herself, and genuinely hope that it works out for her. For me I see the compromise that we make just living life, and acknowledge that myself comes first in most ways, all which I’m able, but it’s still life. My goal is to live my best life and take care of myself as best as possible, but in some cases that means extra challenges. It is that which leaves me acknowledging there are also lots of reasons to do the commitment of marriage. That is why many of the old masculine paradigm are still drawn to it.

Even the government acknowledges that once you’ve lived together, shared finances for so long, and had children, you’re essentially already married. And let’s face it if you’re that entwined, augments are inevitable to some degree. Most states acknowledge this with “common law” marriage rules. And let’s be honest if you’re having children, either you’re living together and sharing everything anyway, or you’re separated and one parent is automatically the non-custodial parent. Said parent has limited visitation and limited rights and required financial commitments (child support). States do frequently pursue child support from non-custodial parents even when marriage was never addressed, and often when there were supposedly amicable agreements. On the other hand, if you’re living together you share all the rights and all the responsibilities, and it’s still up to both of you, as to how that is handled. The choice of getting married or staying unmarried doesn’t do anything to solve the puzzle of having children. There are pros and cons to both sides of that fence, and if you want to be an active participant in your childrens’ lives then common law or traditional marriage are your only real options. Otherwise you get the short end of the stick in most ways, and still have to pay for them.

In mine and Nathan’s marriage it has meant a big factor was making certain that his daughter would be cared for should anything happen to him. Right now due to legalities he is solely responsible for education and medical concerns for her, and has been since her mom died. However because her mom is already deceased, if anything happened to Nathan, all I would have to do is present both death certificates to proper governing bodies and assuming there were no other petitions for custody, I would be granted legal guardianship. It has been a huge relief factor considering Nathan’s health concerns beginning early in our relationship, starting 6 months after we decided to marry. There have been other concerns over children as well, since I’ve now produced two more of them.

Yet we are polyamorous.

Polyamory struggles with this conundrum because in most of the United States only one marriage is legal. So, you play the dance of trying to decide: 1-do I marry one person and call everyone else my significant other, or 2- do I marry none legally and just have a bunch of significant others, or 3- do I marry no one legally and hand-fast my partners to have multiple non-legal spouses.

It creates hierarchical structure concerns, and then when children get involved, it creates further custody and responsibility concerns for every adult in the family. United States law simply has not addressed polyamory in any way to date. So, most polyamorous families end up attempting to solve the problem with legal guidance, and legal documentation, to sometimes still have biological grandparents/aunts/uncles throw kinks into postmortem processes. There have been more than a few polyamorous families, and many polygamist families, end up in long legal battles after one adult passed away.

That is why Nathan and I drug our heals at making the commitment. We both acknowledged that marriage was a huge risk by itself, and being poly from the onset of our relationship made it an even larger risk as a commitment. We discussed it for hours on end, many times over 4 years, before finally sealing the deal. We weighed pros and cons and all the risks of both sides.

For me it boiled down to love. I knew I loved Nathan and his daughter enough to take every last one of the scary risks we had acknowledged, especially after his miserable divorce completed. I was willing to walk through fire if it meant they knew I loved them and wanted the best that I could manage for them.

I also knew that my own health battle meant I regularly fought both inside and outside of myself. My brain was frequently intent on making me see the worst in everything and it would often cause a strong desire for either death, suicide, or escape, no matter the circumstances. I knew that for me the commitment had to be extra hard to get out of, mostly to make certain I would fight hard enough to win the war waged in my brain and emotions. I wanted to make sure that my inner me, who loved them truly and deeply, had a trigger in my mental sphere to encourage the fight for good. I didn’t want the negative ninny in my brain to win simply because it was easy to escape. Marriage ultimately became my insurance to fight for my own life and to keep reaching for the love I knew was there.

I knew my love for Nathan and his daughter was worth fighting for. Every good moment felt amazing. Every time my brain was in a good space, there wasn’t a shred of doubt that I loved them. It was a deeply felt knowing, that when my brain was clear, was easy access. I wanted to preserve that even when my brain malfunctioned, and being married with divorce as a consequence enabled me to win against my brain over and over again.

To this day I still acknowledge that divorce really would do me no good. It won’t solve the role of finances and could make it even worse. It won’t solve my brain’s function. It won’t make taking care of myself any easier. It won’t be helpful for children, and could potentially traumatize all of us. Divorce simply won’t fix anything that is broken, and could lead to even greater damages. So it is still my safety net to continue to fight the good fight for love. May it always work and love overcome all.

I hope that one day there will be another that feels as I do, and we can commit through all of those legal hoops, to make a solid attempt at protecting a poly family. Anyone willing to go through that definitely has love and all of our best interests at heart.

May you always know how to put yourself first and care for yourself as fully as life allows. May you know that occasionally legal commitment is the route to enable that. May you know that not all commitments must be legal to be truly valid, that a commitment is really demonstrated in many ways on a daily basis, sometimes as simply as surviving the rough parts. May you know that everything has a reason and a purpose, and that our goal here on Earth is to find ways to improve upon everything as best as we are able. May you see that improvement in yourself and know that you win a war every time that your brain would prefer you don’t. Regardless of your decisions may you see that everything works out just as you need. Above all my you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Love Is

I spent my day fiercely focused on Ganesh Mantras and the phrase “what is more relaxed?”. They were my combatants for something I can’t put my finger on. It helped me charge through a stacked schedule even with my wrist still working out the remnants of an energetic past. In the midst of that I also focused on what love is to me. It led to an inspiration to write it out. The trouble is that love is so complex that prose and informative writing have a bigger challenge describing it, but all forms of writing are equally worthy of trying. So, I’m choosing to let this flow to the best of my ability in whatever way the divine choses.


Love IS…

Love is
Tingly warmth
Spreading
Insides filling

Heart center
Expansion
Uplifting and
Energizing

Smiles on lips
Hugs in arms
Cuddly warm
Furry purrs
And gentle flops

Love is
Exciting
Enticing
Sometimes scentilating

Passionate
Kisses
Outbursts
And laughter

Touches
Felt before
Fingertips brush

Energy centers
Opening
From simple thoughts

Love is
More than
Meets
Eyes
See
Beauty
Deeper than
Skin

Love is
Amazing
Everywhere
Just
Remember
And
Feel
~ Treasa Cailleach

Love is sometimes holding someone up, but also holding down the fort.

Love is kindness when a friend or coworker is going through a tough time.

Love is giving because you can and you know they’ll appreciate it, and knowing eventually your love will be reciprocated in their favorite way.

Love is the excitement over receiving a gift because it comes from someone you love. Knowing they put thought into bringing a little joy to your world.

Love is all the creatures and children wanting to give and get attention with you.

Love is a knowing that part of what you share is unseen and hard to describe.

Love is golden sunbeams lighting up eyes and hair.

Love is warm embraces, sensations spreading through your entire body.

Love is a cat purring in your ear and a dog snuggling into your legs to avoid the kennel at bedtime.

Love is your heart growing 3 sizes bigger, reaching out and touching another’s. Love feelsĀ  and love grows always wanting the best.

Love is the anticipation of a lovers’ touch or kiss, where hair stands on end and the air sizzles with electricity.

Love is hands on hearts while ears absorb every sound and eyes drink in beauty.

Love is hanging on words and disappointment over missed calls and messages. Where your heart hesitates, nay sometimes skips a beat, because they didn’t answer; a refusal to accept the possibility that they might not ever answer again.

Love is anxiety that you might say the wrong thing, but the courage to give it your best anyway.

Love is a huge fear of rejection because they mean the world to you and you know they need to be in your world, so much so that you’d do nearly anything if it meant that was possible.

Love is trying to put words to feelings you’re not even sure you can accurately describe, because even feeble attempts lead to even greater love.

Love is focused attention, so focused that backgrounds fade and sometimes even words fail.

Love is helping someone see their better selves and enabling healing from the inside out.

Love is wonderful and beautiful itself, causing every being touched by it to glow.

Love is the energy that flows life itself.

Love is everything and everywhere if you know how to see it and focus well enough.

Love is your higher self experiencing here and now.

Love is divine influence and the miracle behind miracles.


May you have more than enough love in your life. May you experience an abundance of love and enjoy focused attention always. May you know for certain you are loved and that you have experienced love. May you have the healing found in moments beyond your ability to communicate effectively. May you understand the importance of love in your life. May you see and feel all of the miracles forged by love. May you know that you are loved and supported in all that you do.

Om Shanti