Tag Archives: be positive

Release a Big Negative

I realized that I need to process and release something I’ve been avoiding for a short bit. I need to let it go so that it doesn’t get bigger.

1st- name the fear and give genuine apology for the fear:

What is it?

Why have I been focusing so much on love and relationships when my husband is right in front of me?

The answer: I’m scared as all hell that I might loose him. I’m petrified that his state of being might not ever improve. I’m scared shitless that he might die long before I’m ready.

I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you.

I have seen him go from stable of 11 years to not so stable the last 2 months, and I’m really worried.

I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you.

I’m concerned that sooner than later, I’ll have to work all day and go home to greiving children. The teen will disappear because she’s overwhelmed and needs her space to grieve, so I’ll be left to cook and clean and do all the things Nathan would have done. I’ll have to function through grief while doing twice the work I am now. It really scares me. It scares me most because I won’t have the time or space to help my own children through the loss, and there would be no one to help me.

I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you.

I’m sorry for even the aspects I couldn’t put words to here. Please forgive me, thank you, I love you.

2nd- let the fear go:

Like Ang in “Avatar, the Last Air Bender”. To heal anything, to heal everything, attachments must be released. Fear only holds us back. You have to completely let go and begin to see the truth.

3rd- find the deeper truth of inner spirit:

Nathan himself is a divine creator with a connection to his source. He knows how to find his own alignment and has been great at it at times. Nathan has the ability to heal as much as anyone. Being afraid that he might die is preventing focus fromm being on his ability to heal. He has free will and can choose anything he wants, but I know he loves me and wants to be there for me. I want to encourage him and help him to find himself.

Regardless of worst case scenario, Nathan is an eternal being and will always be with me if I chose. Also, I am a divine creator and I give my power away when I create negative situations like that. I have always found a way through every challenge that has come at me and this would be no different. I am strong, my kids are strong and we would make it through.

I like feeling my inner being and the knowing that comes with it. There is always a solution. My focus on love and relationships is a good thing because it helps to attract what I really want. I love the idea of Nathan healing and getting better. I love the idea of having additional life partners. I love the idea that we have a safety net and a easy way through every challenge. I like knowing that regardless of anything the divine loves and supports me. God protects me and keeps me safe if I let the positive flow in.

I love healing energy and I love being able to flow enough healing energy to help myself and all those around me whom I love. I know I will have all the support I need if the time should ever come to need it. I am hopeful that everything will turn around and heal into a bright wonderful future.

4th- blessings abound and bring more:

May you never have fears sneak up on you. May you find a way to release every fear. May you know that you are doing your best and that eventually it will lead to better and better, faster and faster. May you know that you can overcome anything that might be holding you back. May your healing energy flow strongly always, and benefit yourself and everyone around you. May you begin to see the miracles that life can bring all around you. May you find a way to eliminate all of the negatives in your awareness, so your focus is solely on the positives. Above all may you know that God loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Non-institutional Faith

Préface :

What I’m about to write about is a generalization. As all such cases, it applies to many but not all of the people that fall under said umbrellas. There are always exceptions. This is merely an explanation of some of the reasons that I follow the path that I do.

I found I was drawn to writing about this topic because of working through yet more energetic junk. I’m not trying to convince anyone of anything, merely putting words to explain my choices. I’m validating my own decisions for myself because I know that these observations and decisions have helped me grow and be a better person. Whether you agree with me entirely, or not, I feel there is always something that someone might find benefit in, and utilize for their own growth and development, even if my words only stir a desire within you to examine your own choices a little more closely.

So, since I’m busy blasting holes in concepts to pave the way for solutions, I thought that this is a perfect time to include one more. And that brings me to the main event!


Faith for me became an internal dialogue at an early age because of environmental concerns and awareness, and my own direct experiences.

I have written before about traumas I suffered by other kids, older than I, and how at least one of them was connected to a family that attended my father’s church. They straight up denied that their child would do such a thing because they were such a devout family. I remember distinctly the mom telling another parent that I was a liar because her child would never do something like that. It hurt immensely because he did. I was horribly embarrassed by what he did to me on the playground, and very hurt by hearing his mother call me a liar. It was a double trauma, and made me hate the two-faced people I frequently ran into at church, be it my father’s, mother’s or friend’s churches. Sadly the Mormon churches seemed to be the most wrought with hypocrisy.

As a result, by the time I was in highschool, I was already exploring religions and beliefs. I found a brutal awareness of atrocities levied upon people in the name of God and that began to shape my choices.

See, my father is Mormon and my mother is Catholic. By the time I was starting highschool I was very aware of how both religions and several others had covered up horrible mis-deeds in an effort to save face and ultimately caused even more atrocities and traumas worldwide.

Both the Mormon faith and the Catholic faith see women as childbearers and home makers. A woman’s place is to do her duty and stay quiet. Neither faith makes any significant effort to protect it’s women or children, and frequently levied doctrine intended to keep women and children down in their place.

The Mormon faith was  saturated with arranged polygamist marriages, where fathers would sell their daughters to the highest bidder. Often the highest bidder would say they were going to protect said girl, but all too frequently the bidder was 45+ years old and the daughters were 16 to 20 (sometimes as young as 9) and consent was never sought from the girl, only the father. Once a sale was complete the owning “husband” did whatever he wanted regardless of age. Frequently the age discrepancy and polygamy eventually caught up the the old creeps and landed them in jail, but their atrocities we’re usually fairly extreme by the time law was involved.

Beyond the sale of girls and rape of child ‘spouses’, the elders of both variants of the Mormon church have regularly been scrutinized for tax evasion and other questionable business dealings. That was knowledge of my father’s faith I gleaned by the time I was in highschool.

Shortly thereafter the Catholic priests were being taken to court for their abuses of alter boys and the resulting cover-ups. In the process of learning about those atrocities I also learned of financial and political dealings of the Catholic church and how they had hoarded artwork and other precious gems/jewelry items for centuries. During World War II it did manage to protect many items that would otherwise have been lost, but now they sit in deep storage, kept from the rest of society. I was not surprised by any of that knowledge.

Women are not allowed to be leaders of either faith. The newer sect of Mormonism has allowed women to be in lower leadership roles, but never in the uppermost echelon. The Catholic faith will only allow women to become nuns, and none of the nuns make major decisions for the faith, create doctrine, or interface with the outside world beyond charitable works.

I continued my learning.

Judaism and Islam having their “Holy War” of over 2000 years, and the multiplicity of atrocities in connection with that. Islam enforcing women to stay covered blaming them for men being unable to control their dicks. The middle east being wrought with acid attacks and rape, all being levied against women. Even worse it is then blamed on them because they “asked for it by showing too much skin”.

Chinese practices prevented women from being anything other than laypersons for any of their faiths. They encouraged foot binding as a ‘sign’ of social status, and sold poor women and children into a variety of slavery including the sex-trade.

Japanese also forced women into the sex trade, and even idealized it for many women creating a vetting process for a woman to become a Gaisha. If you weren’t beautiful enough or from an esteemed family then you were sold for any number of unmentionable abuses.

Africans of a variety, forced teen girls to endure unsanitary, unsterile and hazardous female circumcision for hundreds of years. Even to this day, with modern medicine, female circumcision is still frequently carried out in homes. It leaves women unable to be a woman without significant pain and great hazards throughout their lives, often disfiguring them for life. In Africa acid torture is used on anyone they suspected of whatever they deemed deserving of such torture. When AIDS broke out they would rape babies because of a superstitious belief that it would heal them. Yet it only traumatized and infected the infant, should the infant survive.

All across the globe for centuries men have levied great atrocities on other men, women, and children. All too frequently their actions are justified by faith, their God’s word, or some doctrine intended to keep elder males in their position of power.

Because of all of this I simply could not belong to any church. All of them had blemishes on their records and none were making any great strides to rectify damages done or right wrongs. I simply could not live with myself if I chose one of them. I knew I could not contribute in any way to any of the faiths that I had learned about.

My solution was to follow the path of paganism. It is the one faith without centralized institutions and doctrine. It is the one faith that places responsibility fully on the practitioner’s shoulders. It is the one faith that to this day turns in it’s own people for misdeeds and wrong-doings. My own local awareness of camp and groups in the metro here in KC has verified that a dozen times over, everything from theft to rape and molestation. If a pagan catches another pagan doing wrong, you better bet they’re going to jail. If only we had that fortitude with charitable works.

But beyond the lack of centralized institutions and doctrine, and the efforts to hold each other accountable, paganism offers flexibility in practice.

I don’t sit in a stuffy church listening to a boring sermon every week to go home and do my best to apply what was said. No, I learned my ethics from the get-go. I learned my beliefs early.

I took what resonated from all the others, the overlapping positives of all faiths, and applied them to my life in as consistent a pattern as I can manage.

My biggest challenge is  overriding the temper I learned from my father. My second biggest challenge is time management and making sure I apply everything I know as often as possible.

I meditate as often as I can aiming for daily (and we’ve been teaching the two youngest how to do so). I do yoga as often as possible as well, but really push myself to manage at least 2 to 3 times a week. I do full &/or new moon rituals when my schedule aligns and everything works out.

The rest of my beliefs are interactive. I do my best to treat everyone with respect consistently. I utilize Reiki in my sessions whether directly requested or not. I pray for those in need and those the reach my awareness of being in some sort of struggle. I give money in a variety of ways, as I am able, from CharityWater to Harvesters to local homeless shelters and even people begging on the street.

No I am not perfect, I fail quite often. Much more often than I would like to admit, but I still try. I do my best always, aiming to accomplish good as often as I can.

I simply do what I can, when I can, and as often as possible because my overarching belief is that we are here to make the world a better place in as many ways as we are able. That isn’t something you can accomplish by going to church once a week and just paying a tithing to some institution.

Besides that, CharityWater was the first institution to make certain that individual contributions actually went directly to charitable works. They were the first, and to my knowledge are still the only organization, to cover operating expenses via generous benefactors. A handful of generous people make sure the chairty runs and their expenses are covered, and everyone else that donates are paying for the supplies and services they fund.

If every church functioned that way, you’d bet they would be less flashy and more functional on charitable works. Mega churches would become mega givers. But that’s just my opinion I suppose.

Regardless of your faith, I hope that you understand the world in a greatest, most consistent, positive impact sort of way.

Regardless of the avenue you choose, may you find your connection to God and find a way to right previous wrongs. May you know you are having a maximum positive impact on this world. May you see every deed, every interaction, every thought, every word, as an opportunity to improve our world. May you know that you are doing your best to make the world a better place. May you find ways to help the world heal our long history of atrocities. May you always reach for better. Above all may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Holiday Hootenanny

I may have a really messed up sense of enjoyment these days.

I spent my holiday finishing a project started last fall- the front patio. After pulling the few plants that managed to make it through the summer of 2020, we managed to not get back to it.

*Can’t figure out why (dripping in sarcasm)*

Anyway, I decided this final day of my 12 days off should be invested in finishing that, it was my last chance to get caught up for who knows how long. It could be a month or a year, so I took advantage of my chance.

My holiday celebration began at about 10:00am with a trip to my favorite hardware store: Menards. First trip was 16 bags of sand to level the area in question. After quickly dispersing the sand, I returned for second load: 83 pavers.

I ran home and with Nathan’s help quickly placed the pavers. He hoisted pavers until he over exerted reaching to try and pull 2 at once, he said it tugged too much at the lower incision. Then he became my photographer.

I needed just a few bricks or cobble stones to fill gaps too small for the 1 ft square pavers. So I returned to Menards one last time for those.

I have a bag of locking sand mix, but being that it was raining lightly all day, I couldn’t put that down yet. So, it’s essentially one easy step from being done.

I’m very happy. After moving pots closer to where their final spots will be (they’ll be on the charcoal pavers after being locked down). I then placed the boyscout plants we ordered 2 months ago, they came in 3 weeks ago, but I’m just getting to plant them now. The result is the final view pictures below, after the gaggle of progress shots (plus there’s a couple cute moments with kids from after hammock time at the end of the day).

I was super happy! I told Nathan I was really happy because I finally had a decent house, and now it has both a pretty front patio and a wonderfully comfortable back porch with all the fun stuff and practical gardens.

We’re going to put up a singular pole to remount our white led string for front patio mood lighting, it’ll be like a canopy of twinkle lights over the front patio.

Then when I get done dissecting the tree we’ll have a patio set with lots of character to go on the patio. I decided between our neighborhood having occasional theft concerns, and also because of needing to use up the tree, that a rough hewn set was the perfect idea. A few chainsaw cuts from the large end of the tree and a bunch of assembly is all that is needed. I’m kinda excited to do that project. It may be slated for next Sunday, weather permitting, we’ll see.

Anyway, I really was happy with my results and I have enjoyed the inspiration it stirred as well. It even kept my mind of of other concerns all day, in fact right up until I wrote this sentence I had completely put everything out of my mind. That is immensely comforting. It is relief through hard but creative labor.

Now as I write this post dinner is being made, and I’ve already had an hour out in the hammock. So, I layed a new patio in roughly 7 hours, mostly by my own hands and driving. That’s spectacular considering I’m not a professional and have no specialty equipment. I really appreciate that Nathan helped as much as he could and I look forward to days where he’s more back to his normal self. That will be a good day for certain.

This was a good day.

May you have good days full of inspiration, accomplishments, and loving support. May you have your health always and find that you easily push worries from your mind. May your productive moments also bring you great joy and satisfaction. May you find that you can relax knowing it all, is a symptom of improvement. May you know that the divine and your higher-self loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti