How can any Man give Love to Another Human Especially Woman
How can They know Love When their Fathers Did not
How can Any man Show respect Give love Cherish Honor
When their Fathers Didn't Couldn't Would not Too...?
When their Mothers Failed To set Straight Educate
Generation After another Generation Repeating Repeatedly Wrongness
Watching Men Disrespect Mistreat Lie to Women
Watching Women Take Abuses Multiplied Silently grieving
Vicious Cycles of Illbegotten Dominance Ruining Wasting
Destroying Trust Faith Caring All Divine Gifts Ignored
Boys Learning To molest Mistreat, rape By father's Actions
Girls Learning Futility Before words Giving in Instead of
Standing Ground Standing For inner Divinity Strength
This goddess Standing Strong Tall An Amazon Warrioress
Will Turn Tables Wear the Other shoe And set right
One goal Figure out How to do it Without violence Without becoming Just like them
May you know you can right wrongs by stopping the momentum of wrongs repeated. Even Mack Truck sized wrongs may flatten us, but our will can still stop them in the process. May we never be flattened and still change wrongs to rights, break shackles for freedom, level dominance with equality. Above all may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.
On this Christmas day I think of my family. I chose not to call any of them because I disappoint them by not being simply a “regular Christian” like them. They don’t understand how I call myself pagan, celebrate yule, and still celebrate Christmas.
Mainly it’s because I educated myself enough to know that Christianity stole a lot from earlier peoples in an effort to convert people. I also understand that Jesus came to save us by teaching us what we were already looking at and ignoring (see the withheld Gnostic Gospels). Several religions already had books and teachers, teaching how to get to our divine selves, and there have been several ascended masters sent before Christ, all to show it could be done. Yet, the masses were doing anything but. Christians, Jews and Islamics, constantly fighting wars over the same damn book and a central patch of land. Other peoples fighting other wars over similar stupid reasons. 2000 years after Christ we’re still missing the point, and so now we’re in the midst of a colossal learning lesson for all of humanity. I wish I had more hope that everyone will get it for once. It seems every couple thousand years God really hits a point where he needs us to get the message or die and start over. I don’t blame the divine for hitting that wall, we very much created this mess and expect the divine to fix it for us.
I had a conversation with a client about details of that, and I must have put a massive chink in the layers of his ingrained box, because between him and his wife I received roughly $200 in tips. I’m grateful for the cash as it was very needed, but my goal was not tips, my goal was healing for both of us, and helping him see healthier more accepting ways to view things. I must have had the desired effect, and I’m grateful that the divine supported me in conveying what he needed to hear and understand. I wish I had that ability with my own flesh and blood more often.
Regardless, I do still believe in Christ and still refuse to call myself Christian. I refuse to participate in the politics of religion. I do intend to be as authentic as possible, work on myself as much as possible, and heal myself and my universe as much as possible. I can be the change this world needs to see- with enough practice. Christ taught that God could be found “in a grain of sand or a blade of grass, in the sun in your eyes or the wind on your face”, that the divine was everywhere and that we were responsible for being divine children spreading light and love, compassion, understanding, and healing.
Yet, I still find that moment manifest in Eastern philosophical practices, far more often than practiced by any one of the desert seat religions. None are perfect, all religions have flaws, and there are exceptions to every rule, but percentages seem to imply that the eastern peoples have a bit better understanding of that responsibility and how to accomplish it.
Anyway, after a play doh based conversation over color with Katherine, my client exchange before the holiday, and feelings regarding birth family, it is stirring my creativity. Perhaps I can convey, with a little divine assistance, another message of acceptance on this Christmas evening.
In the beginning There was an Abundant Array Beautiful Uniqueness Everywhere Something to Appreciate Regardless of Where Gaze Feelings Or Descriptions Landed
Mistakes were made Punishments levied People hurt A vicious cycle Begun Intent on Even Level Sameness If all are same No one can make Mistakes Based on others' Rules Or ignorance therein If all are same Doing the same Then no punishments Need be levied
Yet once colors Become so blended The result Is quite Boring Bland Undesirable Somewhere between Mud Or 50 shades Of murky All uniqueness Lost to An icky Mixed up Mess
The bright Colors Of individual Spirit Is what we Really Long for Everyone Tapped Into their Band of Rainbow Into their Vibration Of goodness
The mistakes Which prevent Connection To one Unique Source Of gifted Inspired action Are punishment Enough
Difficulty Lies in Reaching Maintaining Your piece Of vibrant Beautiful Rainbow
Perhaps Helping Each other Reach their Beautiful Self Potential Is far more Appropriate Than fighting Over rightness Or waging war Over Perceived wrongs
Rainbows Of light Bring joy Always Not just When bulbs Are strung
See Appreciate The beautiful Array Of colors Uniqueness Everywhere In everything And everyone And you'll Find your Rainbow Of God Here Now This day Always
* The picture is my children under “The Magic Tree” in Lee’s Summit. It’s 5 min from our house, and I’m grateful to be so close to a beautiful celebration of living color and holiday magic. It’s a perfect blending of all things holiday and joyful unique colorful expression.
May we all have a magic tree in our life. May you have a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Merry Kwanza, Joyful Dwali (belated), Happy Yule, Savory Solstice, Happy Ramadan and Happy New Year. May you welcome everyone and support their holidays as their way to celebrate this world, all goodness, and the divine. May you see and feel how to connect yourself with your Self. May the rainbow of uniqueness fill your world with awe and wonder always. May you be present and find the healing you seek in the now. May you enjoy holidays of all kinds knowing they help people feel a sense of belonging, love and light. May you see your way past the politics of religion and sameness. Above all may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.
I strained my arm again; too many hours of overuse and not nearly enough self care to make up for it. Yet, after lots of work on my own, and even some more with help from Nathan and all the staff at the clinic, it’s on the upswing. Like my shoulder it may take a short bit to clear the hurdle, but I know I will.
It’s funny how logically I have known for 15 years that it is possible to injure oneself with repetitive actions, but apparently I didn’t have a full understanding in terms of my work and my self care routine. The work continued and I was getting my massages, but my self care in the evenings disappeared with familial adjustments these last few months. I didn’t keep track of time elapsed well because I have been functioning day to day, moment to moment. Yet my arm hit a wall, and simply gave up, which I’m now going to have to nurse for a while to repair damage done.
So, I now sit waiting for my daughter to come out of her new job, and saw a man struggling to load groceries onto a bike for a cold ride home this very fall evening. I realized he was not prepared for such an endeavor. His bike had no baskets and it seemed he struggled to find a balance between the two sides of the handle bars, and this isn’t weather anyone riding for fun would typically choose. It was clear that his lack of understanding was partially his upbringing, education and awareness, and partially the aspect of having to do something he’d probably rather not. It was an unpleasant combo.
I’m glad I’m able to avoid that scenario. I’m grateful I’m able to choose when, where, and what weather I ride a bicycle in. I’m also grateful that I have a vehicle to handle cold and wet, fall and winter weather, safely and comfortably. I have choices in this matter and it feels good to know that.
Yet, I immediately thought of English and Irish peoples who still to this day ride bicycles miles upon miles for all sorts of needs. They ride rain or shine, from town to town to run their errands and go to work. It just is the way they were raised. It’s part of their culture. The same is true for people from Portland or even like my brother on the east coast. Some people just know that it is a safe environmentally friendly choice of transportation, which if you are prepared and have proper equipment can also be quite enjoyable.
I missed that as a kid, and realized that as I contemplated my upbringing.
I was aware that bicycles could be ridden long distances because my brother would disappear for what seemed as hours on end to ride his bicycle. But I was a tiny baby and then toddler when he was riding. I had no real concept of time or distance. By the time I was old enough to figure that out I was left with family that thought bicycles were more for occasional recreation, rather than exercise or any other kind of daily routine. There was no incentive to invest on that vehicle, it was slower and could not carry lots of weight or passengers, it didn’t make the cut, so a plain and basic bike was my tool to learn the experience of bicycling. It was far from a full experience of all that word can mean. I now have a greater awareness, but at this point I lack the endurance to to use it as transportation for any distance. I’m willing to change that, but it isn’t something I can do overnight.
I am contemplating getting a bike I found on Amazon, maybe by next spring. I’ll put a pic below. It is an electric optional bike, where I can pedal as normal or start the motor and let it do the work. I think it would be helpful in building my endurance and beginning to commute to work by pedal power. See I haven’t been on a bicycle at all in maybe 4 years, and the last time I did ride regularly it was on relatively flat terrain. We would ride with Ian in the pull-along bubble, but we were on bike paths around Riverside and it was very flat and very smooth. Even then my distance was limited. So contemplating my 8.5 mile commute which has several very big hills is a bit daunting. I want to, and I want to get good at biking, but the process seems a bit much to handle. The electric bike would take the daunting out, as long as I stayed motivated to do as much as I could on a given day. I don’t know, maybe it’s just another variation on pushing myself too hard. But, it seems like it would solve both a transportation issue we are having with only one reliable vehicle, and also solve part of my self care puzzle by reintroducing exercise to my daily routine post dialysis interventions. It’s at least worth the attempt and a good bike is never a bad thing.
I guess what I’m saying is that my shoulder, and the biking picture, both are an analogy of the whole picture of life. We only know or understand something fully from the experiences we’ve had, and can only guess at what something is like until we have first hand knowledge. Sometimes we take risks because of that limited knowledge, and sometimes those risks end up hurting us or someone we are close to. It’s not something we should beat ourselves up over, but it is a learning lesson that can help future decisions.
I have now painfully learned that injury can happen whether it’s a singular intense incident or a chain reaction of several minimal ones. And I’m describing it to you with the best my words hold, knowing that you don’t fully comprehend the weight of that, with the core of your being, until it has happened to you. We can never judge another’s experience because we were not in their shoes, but likewise we need to estimate our own limits better knowing that we don’t really know. It leaves less risk, less hurt, but keeps us safer in general.
We can never know the fullness of anything until we have experienced it, but knowing what we do know and knowing that our perspective is limited, can sometimes help us avoid pitfalls of life. Be kind to yourself and others when estimations fail, because we’ve all been there and done that in some way, shape, or form. Healing is possible, and sometimes it requires asking for help. For me right now, I’m past the worst of the arm injury and slowly recuperating, but I still know it is a symptom of a bigger picture needing addressed. I spoke with my friend the office manager about schedule adjustments to attempt to enable self care at work. Beyond that I am still grasping at straws, and don’t know who to ask for what yet. I know I need help, but I just don’t know what to ask for, or who can provide it once I figure that out. Maybe a few more days will bring clarity. For now I continue, moment to moment, day by day, because it’s how I’ve gotten through all of this.
May you understand your needs and what to ask for. May you see where your knowledge is limited and safely estimate you own personal limits. May you have adequate time and space to care for yourself so that you can continue to care for others. May you know that you have everything you need and it’s a simple question away. Above all may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.
Okay, so first disclaimer. I took cannabis meds tonight to help my state of being. I may be struggling enough that I took a little more than usual, and thus I’m feeling it tonight. Not bad, actually quite good, I just felt I should note that I’m writing from a slightly-altered state of mind.
I had a thought I'm not sure how it was brought I wondered if she'd rather be called J I grew up with a brother that went by JJ He had a feminine side Father tried to beat out of him Dad given nickname He came to hate I wondered if that was why He preferred JJ JJ is androgynous It doesn't pick a side It doesn't let you decide So would be J She grew up a girl With behavior more befitting A boy I relate Mud pies, skinned knees, Playing war as long as My brother didn't win too much She had sisters and parents Of similar age as mine She was born a girl after all Who would think different I heard my father's words Echo bitterly: "If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck...." Bullshit of generations past Too weak to allow for more Turning them to cowards of Either/or I want to allow more I want to honor differences I want to respect those that deserve Respect Just for being them So I reach for How How do I ask From genuine concern And not sound like An Ass I'm not good at this Because our generation was Those that admitted We were Different But labels Weren't firm Weren't decided and settled There wasn't discussion or education And didn't get used accurately Often Parents were oblivious They thought they were Doing great But never noticed The poor example set For learning to Respectfully acknowledge Individual vessel For a much greater self So even this unique SELF Doesn't always know How to be addressed I've been called T And it's just fine Ambiguous Allows for Flexibility I still like My feminine Celtic Wise Woman Name Near my heart For being My choice But I have And always will Keep up with The boys Whenever it matters To ME So Ambiguous Sounds good to me Because I can be Girly girl Manly Woman One of the boys Whatever I need In any moment It allows for More me To just BE ~ Treasa Cailleach
May you always know how to ask respectfully. May you see more possibilities for yourself and others. May you find a way to honor the whole of someone you care about. May you be patient with those that are doing their best to improve. May you be equally patient with yourself for aiming for those same and even more improvements. May you have love in your heart for every uniqueness. Above all, may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.
At least for today, this will be my final post. It’s one of those days, I’ll take it while it’s flowing and I’m able to weasel a moment to type. BTW, my middle post had two stanzas added after I hit publish, edits happen. If you caught it before I finished editing check it out again.
What does Love Of For Self Look like?
Is it Clothes worn Replaced Often As body size Dictates
Or rewards Earned For having Won Battles Waged Internal
Is it Flowers Plants bought Beauty To brighten A space To enjoy Everyday All year
Is it Treating One's self With Respect In words And actions Because Respect is Earned And self Definitely Earned it
Is it Loving touch Sensual Exploration Or palpable Fixing of Muscular woes Easing discomforts Soothing nerves Relaxing Body
Is it Quiet Stillness Brain's Breath Giving self Safe space To BE SELF Still Calm Centered
Is it Activities Creative Enjoyment A Presence In the world With loved ones Doing Making Memories Filling Lifetimes
Or is it All of the above Anything Everything You would Do to Give Another As affection All are Valid To show the Same affection To self
Self is Pure Positive Beautiful Radiant You
Self Knows more Feels more Loves more Accepts more Handles more Cares more Creates So much more
Self is Amazing Kind Compassionate Caring Loving Healing Beautiful Exuberance
You Cannot Not Love Self
Self Is Perfect
Give Self The best You Are able And learn how To improve On abilities To honor Self So it will Always Get Better and Better
You Deserve You Deserve Self Deserve Better Always
~ Treasa Cailleach
Love yourself and all that you do. Honor yourself, respect yourself and show yourself you deserve the best you’re able. Your inner pureness has earned every last bit of loving honor. An it harm none, do what ye will. Above all know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.