Tag Archives: be responsible

Finding support through clarity.

This evening I found myself stiff from one too many days without yoga. I proceeded to fix that while mentally running through things I knew were in my vortex. It was providing relief in several ways.

Now I sit much more relaxed and significantly more flexible, and struck with a sense of I may have effed up, but that it’s because I feel another also did.

In my cycling through my vortex one of my thoughts was that I really deserve recognition of all the things I know, voluntarily learned, and regularly do for others. I’m just tired of feeling like the lowly pee-on.

I have aspirations and dreams, and soon I might actually be able to buy into, or just outright buy a business that is larger scale than my self-employment scheme. Yet no one out in the world sees or acknowledges how much I do, have done, and how hard it was for me to even get this far.

I just wish I had a congratulations once in a while. I don’t even have acknowledgement of my retention rate or that I average a 20-22% tip rate, last month I made nearly $1000 in tips (credit and cash combined), and my actual in-office massages netted $3200. That’s a 30% tip rate. That’s amazing. Yet no one noticed, at least that was acknowledged.

This was with all the odds in my life journey stacked against me.

I grew up in a poverty-mindset laden home, with an abusive father, yet I worked my way through college, graduating in 4 years with honors. I took 2 semesters of heavy class loads one at 18 credit hours and one at 24 credit hours, having to request special permission from the dean to do so. It enabled me to graduate on time. And what no one cared about was that I accomplished it while working overtime at my job at Motherhood Maternity because the assistant manager was caught drinking on the job and sent to rehab while the store manager was on maternity leave. So me and one other staff person kept the store open and running while I was taking a double load at collegiate level. Yet my grades never suffered, only my sleep.

On top of that fact, I graduated in 4 years with honors from a big 10 university after having transferred schools twice due to financial dilemmas, something that at the time was rare to find accomplished.

I worked 2 years using my degree in a graphic design position, not making the income that I needed, even with continuing to work a driving job I started in college. The two jobs combined were still not enough income for life with student loans from only 2 of my 4 years of school. I decided I needed to shift to a career with better chances, but without spending too much more on my already costly education. The massage program won because it also enabled me to help people.

So I had 2 degrees, a massage therapist certification, work experience in 3 very different fields, and I thought for certain things would improve. I began to navigate becoming a massage therapist. I also married Nathan and began helping him navigate divorce, child visitation, and all the related problems. We moved (twice, on no budget) to attempt to improve things again. Then Nathan’s health failed.

I supported a family on my own for a decade and still managed to drop thousands on a failed mobile home remodel and thousands more on vehicles wear and tear from a 90 min daily commute.

After all of that, I released some of my work, to accept my massage therapists’ job upon her retirement knowing that there was a possibility all her clients would hate me and schedule elsewhere. I’ve lost my buildings to being Covid casualties. I had to forfeit insurance switching to the clinic, and currently pay out of pocket to attempt to fix my own health. I have battled thyroid and life-fail induced depression for 20 years.

Yet, I gave birth to two healthy kids at home in water. I have survived Covid financially and that is even with now having both a mortgage and car payment. I now have a majority of all of the clinic clients because one therapist never came back and the other keeps pissing his clients off. I have also gained many new clients that had never been to the clinic before, and my retention rate is through the roof. And during all of this I have lost 2 dress sizes in clothing (regardless of the stupid scale not budging), and I have healed my body in many ways, one being that I no longer fight depression constantly.

Yet no one acknowledges any of that, that is except my Nathan.

So then after all of that I remembered getting pissed over the chiropractor and his new signs that made sure he was recognized, while the rest of us were the fine print to ignore.

My awareness this evening brought knowing it was because he wanted acknowledgement for his efforts and his hard work. For all I know his educational journey was just as challenging and I know it was more costly. But I also have an awareness that his family has always been prosperous, and his previous career was too. It’s not that I don’t think he had challenges, it’s just that his challenges seem fewer and definitely not of financial nature. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe his cards were just as stacked as mine, but he doesn’t talk about any of it, so how am I to know.

So now I have a keen sense that I still want honored and recognized, but I don’t want that to be at anyone else’s being unrecognized. I want us all to be acknowledged for our efforts equally.

See here’s the thing, we all have had a journey. If you’ve made it this far into adulthood, you’ve done a lot. The longer that you live the more you do and learn and accomplish.

But some us do seem to have the hard road, and it would be nice if those on the easier path could see that and just give some sentiment of congrats for making it through. It doesn’t make their path any less to acknowledge someone on the hard journey made huge strides, but it does help those battling all the odds want to keep fighting the good fight.

I just want people to be more aware of how their actions can be hurtful and if it wasn’t on purpose, then that is what apologies are for. If you are genuine an apology goes miles.

As for me, at this point if I say certain things I could get fired, I’ve already been warned of that because of a prior language/communication fail. Beyond that I can’t really talk about my goals of buying [or into] a business, because I am still waiting on my unique situation to fully resolve and become details I can actually work with. Until I know the full details and have sorted some things out, it’s just hopeful speculation.

So for now, I’m just going to quietly keep learning and doing, and do my best not to step on anyone’s toes or fail to recognize other’s efforts. I don’t need or want to put anyone else down, I just want to feel like I matter and people know everything I’ve gone through to get where I am. I just want a little recognition and honor… Like Rodney Dangerfield would say, “can’t a guy get a little respect here?!”

May you see your own worth even when others don’t. May you honor and respect everyone’s journey. May you see those that have made it through harder journies than you. May you lift others up and find ways to bolster their efforts. May you see that those around you care and respect your abilities and knowledge. May you have evidence of your worth. May things generally go well for you and my your journey get easier daily. May you have the success you seek, not just financially but emotionally as well. May you know that God loves and supports you.

Siva Hir Su

Multifidus

What are Multifidus?

Multifidus muscle (musculi multifidi) Multifidus is a group of short, triangular muscles that along with the semispinalis and rotatores comprises the transversospinal group of deep back muscles. They are the thickest muscles in the transversospinal group, and are shorter than semispinalis, but longer than rotatores.

Erector spinae and multifidus The erector spinae muscles produce the extensor force needed for lifting, whereas the segmental extensors, primarily the multifidus muscle, provide stabilization of individual lumbar motion segments

Beyond muscles, I thought it was appropriate terminology for linking together multiple elements of which one finds support, stabilization and overall functionality. That is why I chose to start my blog with that name today.

I have found myself pondering many things this week, and their link is me. They are all elements of my life that I string together into one functional cohesive whole, moving together for a greater good. They give me support through learning lessons and being able to see my own skills and progress. Without any one of them my metaphorical spinal column would collapse.

There was the strep throat, which once I got the PA to pull her head out of fraidy-cat and do her job, quickly began subsiding. It’s amazing how an antibiotic and Prednisone script when utilized properly for the appropriate disease works wonders. I went from not being able to eat or drink hardly at all for 2 solid days; to now I have a tiny tickle that makes me cough occasionally, and a couple rough patches in my throat that haven’t fully healed. I was less concerned about the lack of eating as I have already been eating minimally for a while. But the dehydration began to set in fast and by the time I actually saw the PA I’d already gotten chapped lips and my skin on my hands was cracking and peeling. If I’d have gone another day without enough water I’d have been wasting a hospital bed just because of lack of fluids. I’m just glad I got through to her and managed to get a proper solution.

During my short strep journey my mom visited. In fact it really was nearly the same 5 day stretch. She was not really concerned about catching what I had since we’d both had strep before. I love my mom. We had long talks about a lot of things. I really appreciate all the good things I gained from her. I realized that she has had a hard time fighting her own demons and that has left her feeling like she didn’t do right by me. I did my best to explain that there wasn’t anything she could have done differently and that though there are some things I’m still trying to change about myself- mostly from dad, and I truly appreciate all the good qualities I gleaned from her. She’s my mom and I love her.

While she was here she cuddled with kitties which I know made her miss her departed Rusty and Fuzzy. I miss those cats too sometimes. She also made friends with Zen. It was adorable.

She also spent many hours sitting on our porch swing watching birds and butterflies in our yard. I have a few thistles we let blossom to dry for tea, and the goldfinches, hummingbirds and butterflies simply love them.

Kansas City is still not normal functionality for many things and my mom loves gardens. So my solution, for being under par myself and not being able to do normal things, was to do a driving tour of the city with stops at a couple of the gardens. We went to Jacob Loose park for their beautiful rose gardens and then to Kaufman Gardens, both of which are free and open year round, though prettiest in May to early July. Anya climbed trees and tried to encourage Ian to try as well. It was good fun. We all had a good time and everyone benefitted from some calm fun in the sun.

After our day of sunshine and flowers, I drove mom home to Iowa. I was sad to have to let her go, and I sincerely hope it is not the last time I see her. I know she feels like she has lived a full life and she tells me over and over that she is ready to go home. She says her body hurts frequently and she’s just looking forward to seeing her divine family. We have a genetic heinze-57 mix in our family, but heavy on Irish, Scottish and English. However, mom talks about her dreams of her Irish family and her true love she never found in this life, even having dreams of her horse. I told her I can sympathize and told her of my dreams where I was Quan Yin and Shiva (that brought up a whole discussion of beliefs in reincarnation and how sometimes I feel like I get judged unfairly for cultural strip mining.) Regardless, I appreciate our long conversations and hope there will be more of them. There are some things I still don’t tell my mom, because I simply just know she wouldn’t understand. Her relationship history has not been good, and elements of it leave me knowing she would not understand polyamory. I don’t think she would be mad or upset, just that she is in the state of misunderstanding where you can’t believe that someone would willingly want to do something. So I don’t talk about it, but we do find plenty of other things to talk about. It made for the almost 300 miles back to her home in Iowa much less painful.

On the drive though I was sad to see how much damage the derocho did as it passed through Iowa. The entire I-80 corridor had major damage and it stretched for miles and miles both north and south of 80. Mom was saying that originally they estimated a third of the crops were devastated, but as the damaged plants have dried, they are now suspecting half of the crops are lost. Harvest will begin early to glean how badly everything was damaged. I’m finding myself glad over the fact that I have not consumed corn or soy for a long while now, and that even my meat consumption is lower. The 4 states that were devastated by the storms are all in the top 10 of corn and soybean producers. That means that next year the hogs and cows will have less feed and the myriad of products made from corn and soy will all be much more costly and possibly more scarce. Something I simply will not need to worry about. It does concern me for the rest of the country though.

Anyway, some of the devastation was so intense I just had to try and snap picture as we passed. It may be hard for the untrained eye, so I’ll give you a couple internet images of healthy fields and trees first. The first two are just what a healthy corn crop looks like from the side, 3rd is those healthy fields on a tree line, and last is a healthy soy crop.

Next are the images I managed to snap from the car- sorry for the window glare. What you’ll see: Entire lines of trees with their leaves ripped off, entirely or much more sparse than usual. Corn fields flattened directionally, corn fields with few stalks standing and those are ripped bare; soy fields with huge swaths of brown damaged plants; trees fallen by the thousands many still being cut into usable wood for alternate purposes.

What I didn’t catch was all the businesses and homes with major damage. There simply was too much for me to document properly on my short drive. It is a bit sad for me because I know a much different Iowa and it will take years for the trees to fully recover. Businesses and homes will be rebuilt quickly, a matter of weeks to months and insurance will do its job. Crops will be harvested to the best of their abilities, and there will be an impact, but Iowa farmers have always done good to utilize as much as possible, so if they can salvage they will. What they can’t salvage insurance will cover in the short term and long term people will adjust as needed. We will get through this as much as any disaster.

What it all did do was give me something to shift my focus to gratitude and to see what I do have. Ultimately I spent the rest of my drive back to my home focusing on the good things and seeing that my Atira really is here. It’s not as I have dreamed all these years, but it is here and it’s close enough. I had a solid knowing that I am good enough and my dreams did matter.

My big shiney Atira dome home, for a big poly family, well it’s me and Nathan, kids and pets, in a 3 bedroom ranch in Kansas City. But there is hope for more, and always room to grow.

My mom isn’t in a little dome on the back 40, no she’s in a little brick quad-plex in rural Iowa. But she wouldn’t have had upkeep either way, and she has the peace and quiet in nature that I always wanted to give her. She is mostly content, and though I can’t walk to see her, it’s not really that long or painful of a drive.

My grumpy ass dad that wasn’t even supposed to be at Atira still got to visit and see that all his demeaning behaviors made me a better person than he. Plus he’s being cared for by my sister whom, even without any experience, is probably the better candidate to meet his desires and outdated beliefs.

My business park is really just the clinic; and my significant-other business partners, well they’re not-so-significant-others. Despite having thought the one chiropractor had lots of potential with the energetic connection, I’ve come to terms that it probably won’t go anywhere. And the office manager is a kind hearted woman like my mom, that wants to understand and be helpful, but sometimes just needs others to be understanding for her and her concerns. The both have my heart in much different ways than my dreams of Atira had implied. No less significant though.

My temple is my basement and no gatherings have been accomplished because of Covid. This too will pass.

My affordable, very capable, mechanic that can fix anything is a good man in Merriam.

My stores are scattered all over the metro area.

My Atira community is really another companies’ retirement home that has wonderful people working and living in it. I’m glad that my skills are still of service to them.

My festival grounds are our old stomping grounds out at Camp Gaea, and those too have been put on hold due to Covid. You know if it’s clothing optional, that masks won’t be worn either.

My studio space is a corner of our bedroom, and Nathan’s darkroom is the spare small room in the basement. Our gallery is still manifesting.

And Nathan. He is my everything. He wasn’t supposed to be, there were supposed to be others to share the load. But Nathan does his best. He’s my love, my children’s father, my parent on duty, my home educator, my house husband, my resident photographer, my high priest, my magician, and would-be Gardner. He does everything I ask, mostly in appropriate timing and with little to no complaint. He even finally figured out how to help with income and for that I’m so very grateful. I am mostly amazingly grateful for him in my life, especially since the challenges have begun to subside.

My Atira is here. It’s not perfect and doesn’t match my dreams of many years passed, or designs exactly, but most of it has a current usable manifestation. I am grateful for seeing it come together. I am grateful to see that I do have mad skills and I am enough. I have created a world that I am mostly okay with and I am finally beginning to enjoy. One day maybe I’ll have a more accurate version in comparison to my dream scape, but for now I will enjoy the version I do have. I will continue to help others as I am able, but I now have a sense of things having shifted. I no longer owe anything to anyone. I have done my duties and met all requirements imposed upon me. I am free to be me and enjoy my life in whatever way I choose. Now I get to figure out that means. What is fun for me and how do I want that to play out. Can my spread out sprawling Atira Jr become the compact concise community of my dreams over time. That would be really nice. For now I just get to focus on the fun parts. There are so many fun things I want to do that shouldn’t be too hard.

May you see your journey and all of it’s manifestations. May you understand your place in it all. May you know all the elements of your desires are within reach and that sometimes you just need to widen your gaze. May you see those you care for as being important, regardless of how the relationship manifests. May you know that you have done all you need to do, you are whole and complete and more than enough. You are worthy in God’s eyes. May you know that you have cleared your debts and met imposed expectations. May you understand deeper meanings and reasons for everything in your experience. May you feel your way to greater understanding. May you know your own worth, strength, and knowledge. May you see how your actions benefit this world and help it to continue to function. May you find joy mostly and enjoy the ride called life.

Siva Hir Su

Withdrawn Again

I’ve set my site to private for now, so if you’re reading this in present tense, it means you care enough to have reached out on some level. I thank you deeply from my heart.

For those that may read this way later, if I reopen my blog, I wish you only blessings. I needed space and felt too much scrutiny to stay public for now. Writing is my way to process my world and it helps me reach for better. Sometimes I feel like others miss that point, and judgments are passed improperly. I needed to process without scrutiny for a change.

I have had moments that are hard to put into words because they involve the unseen. I’m getting information, but not enough to matter. One of my duo is hurting and I feel it. The other seems to be trying to be supportive, but I don’t understand what I feel and why, and neither will reach out to me and tell the truth. I have reached out several times to the one which I think I feel as being the supportive one, without success, and feel like they must think I am crazy. I also wonder if I am crazy or becoming a stalker, I had thoughts about trying to go overseas and find them, but I don’t know enough truth to even make that attempt. I would be the crazy person wandering the streets going up to complete strangers trying to ask them questions based on half truths and unknowns, and that’s assuming I could navigate language barriers. I don’t want to be that person, so I am trying yet again in vain to disconnect.

Then the american guy. There’s been thoughts and feelings there too, but that seem to be falling flat. I had a discussion about one of my hopes with another person, and their perspective left me wondering what the hell I’m doing. I almost feel like I’ve got it all wrong and there isn’t any hope. Again, I can’t fix the problem, because it is bigger than anyone lets on. Solutions could be found if I and others were respected and we all came together, but at the moment I feel like it would be better to just walk away quietly.

Pile on top of that my father. I suspected that he has been digitally stalking me, and this week I had validation, a couple of times over. With him too I wish no malice, but his negativity is a thick lead blanket threatening to drag me down and drown me. I know I can not get through to him to create the understanding needed to change that, I’ve tried several times over. I’m fairly certain that he is the one that keeps creating the energetic ripple of ‘Nathan needs to go’. He simply refuses to even try to get to know my husband, my love, my reason to keep going. Sadly it is probably based on some old long standing grudge over being replaced by a black person years ago. What he fails to see is that the companies that replaced him with a black person, did so because they could get an equally or more skilled person at half the cost. It was okay for the company as a cost saver, but disrespected the black person’s value. Beyond that if my father had been offered the job at what they gave the black people he would have been offended by being under valued by the company, but doesn’t see that is what they did to the person they actually hired. So it’s ludicrous to hold the grudge in the first place, but it causes him to think the worst of all black people, even my husband. Two children later, he still wants me to leave my love, and won’t even acknowledge that I do indeed love Nathan. I simply can not stand for that, so I’ve gone private.

This lesson I am struggling with. I love these people with all my heart, but they are hurting me energetically and emotionally, and disrespecting me. They don’t understand that refusing to see all of who I am and what I care about, is that which hurts me. I don’t want to be hurt by their negativity- I know I deserve better, but I do care about them, my compassion is allowing me to be trampled. I am allowing myself to be hurt by their actions and their state of being. I don’t know yet, how to prevent their negativity from hurting me. I just know there is a way to still love them and not be hurt by their actions and vibrations. One day I will figure it out and it will no longer matter.

Yet it has given me another moment of understanding how God must feel at times. God wants to love us all, and wants us to love each other, but we are so busy picking at each other and being so selfish that we hurt each other. I know God loves us all based on our core spirit, even someone as horrible as Trump. That man is so busy hurting other humans that I know God must be very sad over the way he is treating other people. Additionally, I find myself hating him for all the hurtful actions he has done, but God wants us to find love and compassion for all, not just some. We are intended to be lifting each other up and celebrating love and positive actions, but we are too busy picking at each other to care. Our picking, hurtful actions and hate of others: they all hurts ourselves, because they cut our connection to God.

This moment has been amplified over the horrible storm that hit the Midwest this week. It affected much of my family, as several of them live in Iowa in the path of the storm. Yet very little has made the news about it. When Nathan and I went looking, after having talked to my mom, we found a few articles with pictures from just a couple of towns. Yet this storm has been called an inland hurricane and decimated hundreds of miles of land across 4 states, and millions of acres of crops were ruined. It was worse damage than caused by the 2008 Floods to hit Iowa. In recent history Joplin Missouri was decimated by a huge tornado and the country rushed to the rescue, those same 2008 floods also had the country rush to the rescue. We have rescued so many areas from such horrible things, but right now the country and the world are so busy arguing over politics, masks, and Covid that this massive horrible event is going ignored. My mom said it could be another week or two even until her area gets power back, and the flattened substation that services her home serves most of a two county area. People are running out of perishable foods, fuel, and there is no electrical service and thus anything impacted by loss of electricity. There are hundreds of thousands of people without power across 4 states and in several major cities, but the death toll is not astronomical, so hey lets not care or anything.

Except that death is not the only cause of suffering, neither is disease. Yet, this suffering of hundreds of thousands of people is fixable in short order if we came together and even acknowledged it. Just like Joplin, Puerto Rico, Wildfires, and the 2008 Floods: we could bring quick solutions if we cared. God wants us to see the quick solutions and do them, God wants us to help each other, God wants us to set aside differences &/or fears and help each other in every way, not just some ways for some people.

But I am one singular confused person, trying to sort out my own puzzle, and figure out how to prevent allowing people I care about to hurt me. The best I can do is go get my mom for a visit and spare her from sitting in the dark alone for days on end. I might also be able to bring her neighbors a bit of something to help them get through. Beyond that I have no idea what to do because there doesn’t seem to be any official system for helping in a broader sort of way. It’s saddening.

I know I am here in this world to help others and do my best to bring the light. Sometimes that seems to be extra difficult. Sometimes, I simply have to try and find my way back to the light myself. You can’t give light if you are having trouble seeing it yourself.

I am valuable, I am worthy. I deserve love and respect and truthful apologies. I am a good person and I am doing my best. I deserve to have others see that and acknowledge my improvement. Yet, I deserve to see my own improvement and my own progress and I deserve to have things I desire without penalty. I deserve the ability to overcome suffering, especially because of things outside of my control. I deserve to feel more at peace, and I deserve to be able to love others without being hurt. I deserve better understanding and higher vibrations. I deserve to be accepted as I am, for who I am, wholly and completely and find full healing for my brain and my body. I deserve for those that I love to come together and love each other and support each other, because that is what is right for humanity, but also simply because I love them. If God loves them and I love them, then they are worth others loving as well. They all have value in one way or another, I want for humanity to start seeing the value, the love, the good, and the reasons to come together. I deserve to enjoy life and see the good more.

May you see the good and enjoy life. May you understand life’s lessons. May you find ways to support God and humanity. May you focus on uplifting the world and being there for fellow humans. May you accept the good in others and work on finding common ground. May you accept others simply because someone you know loves them. May you see everyone’s value. May you want to get to know others. May you find ways to drop the negatives and allow God’s goodness in your life. May you reach for feeling better and helping the world.

Siva Hir Su.