Tag Archives: be strong

I deserve better.

I have been doing my best in many ways, but lately I am intent on clinging to the positives. Because of that, and my mountain of paperwork and projects, I haven’t been writing much. It seems I need to address a few things though.

First, I wrote this poem on my other site last night, and wanted to share it here for those interested.

Beyond that, I am doing my best to heal. I acknowledge that I have strong awareness of energetic components of our experience here on Earth, and lately it seems that Cvid aftermath and Energetics are making it very difficult to reach for my own healing. Regardless, I have been doing my best as usual.

To that end I have debated writing at all lately. I deserve better and I know the best way to accomplish that is to stay focused on the positives as much as humanly possible. For myself that has been many hours of focusing on my desires, goals, and preferences. Pretty much any time I’m not talking to someone or invested in paperwork, my mind stays busy focusing on things like in my poem.

However, you can’t focus on the positives, if there are things needing solved right now, then what? If something is broken you must know how to fix it, to be able to work on and focus on such solutions. At the moment that is my biggest peeve with “medicine”. Everyone is pretending the damned vaccine is our saviour and perfect and pressuring those not getting it, and I call bullshit for many reasons.

  • Vaccines have never been infallible, depending on which vaccine is referenced they can have anywhere from a 1 to 3 % risk rate which is anything from mild reactions to death.
  • This vaccine was processed in a tiny fraction of the time of normal vaccines and we really have no true idea of it’s effects yet, any more so than the disease itself.
  • I question why, but also why they are giving it away free. We have been well trained in american society that nothing is truly free, there is always a catch. If they were giving away Tesselas to everyone, you’d stop and ask why/how? If they were suddenly giving away zyrtec, or advil you’d ask why. If they were suddenly giving away any prescription, especially an expensive one like Tribenzor or a highly regulated one like Hydrocodone, you’d know something was up. So why aren’t we having that response here.
  • Additionally, this vaccine has been given a 30min reaction window. If your reactions are not reported within that 30 minutes or before you leave, then they are denying responsibility. Tell me how many drugs of any kind are held to that standard. Even simple cortisone injections have a reaction window much greater than that. And vaccines are exempt from standard lawsuits, we have vaccine court for them- good luck with that process if you do have a reaction.
  • Vaccines only truly benefit a person that has not been exposed to the disease it is used for. We’ve known that for decades, in regards to all vaccines. If you’ve already had the strain that a vaccine is made for, then having caught the disease and survived gets you as much immunity as is possible to begin with. There is no justification for vaccinating someone that has had a confirmed case of the same strain.
  • If a disease mutates both the vaccinated and previously ill individuals are equally at risk of catching the new strain. That has already been addressed repeatedly with Covid already showing new mutations. Last I checked they had suggested as many as 5 new mutations.
  • Plus, the European countries that are ceasing vaccination are doing so for very good reasons. They are noting damage from them that is as bad or worse than Covid itself. The vaccines vs catching Covid, is literally a coin toss as far as risk goes.

That’s just my bullshit detector going off over the vaccine. But I also noted “Medicine”, why?

  • There is no true 100% solution for any chronic disease.
  • Our best efforts have produced pill cocktails that keep viral levels to a minimum and address symptoms of the chronic disease. How does that actually heal anyone?
  • In fact the only diseases we truly heal are bacterial infections, and even some of those we are hitting barriers to full healing (MRSA is an excellent example).
  • 100+ years of study into viruses and the best solution we have is to keep churning out vaccine after vaccine, only protecting those that haven’t already been infected (children), and only for those which vaccines have been developed (that’s why EBV is still a major concern after 80+ years).
  • Yet all these vaccines piled on top of each other, full of toxic chemicals and low conductivity metals, is doing a host of damage to bodily organs and the human brain. In this awareness, more is not necessarily better. More toxicity only leads to other diseases. (Aluminum toxicity is strongly linked to Alzheimer’s, yet it is used in nearly every vaccine currently made.)
  • Autoimmune diseases are climbing as fast as autism, and I personally don’t care if it is the chronic diseases or the vaccines that are causing it. Either way you look at the picture it is obvious we are not solving anything, and in a matter of time millions will be dieing because their bodies ate themselves.
  • Did I mention there is still no solution to having caught a virus that caused damage to your body. Even under the assumption that you completely kicked the virus, once the damage is done you’re better off having a chat with God than your doctor.
  • Western medicine is good at removing damaged organs, doing a transplant if available/necessary. Western medicine is good at fixing broken bones. Anything else they offer is one variation or another of symptom management: pills, dialysis, bariatric oxygenation, pacemaker, etc. They rarely aim at solving the original cause. Even in cancer they treat the tumor(s) and rarely ask why was the tumor there (the one exception is if they can determine a genetic link).

So then why am I on this tangent?

I’ve come across at least 2 known and a third suspected vaccine liar. Those who are against it for similar reasons as me, but are tired of the pressure and lying about having gotten the vaccine. Lying about that shit is never going to solve the problem. If we continue to fail to address the problem as a society, then we will just keep getting more of the same. This has been proven over and over again with BLM, Me Too, racism, sexism, police brutality, LGBTQ concerns and many other issues. If you don’t stand up an call out the wrongness, then you will never see a solution manifest. You can’t solve a problem that doesn’t exist.

Additionally, I have had very upsetting information brought to my attention.

Essentially, the symptoms that Nathan, our kids, and I have had since our mystery virus (aka Cvid) infection; have presented in coworkers.

Nathan’s symptoms were enough that I sent him to the doc and eventually he received his kidney disease diagnosis.

One of the coworkers’ symptoms eventually led to an oblation of her heart, and she was my age (under 40).

Another coworker has been to the doc repeatedly and they are stumped as to what is really happening to her and have put her on BP meds and prilosec to address the only symptoms they have registered with equipment.

So what are these symptoms?

  • Swelling of the legs and/or feet, for me and coworkers it was one sided and mild like women in pregnancy experience, but does fluctuate. For Nathan both legs were really bad and constant.
  • Nausea, intense and intermittent. Makes me want to vomit.
  • Loss of appetite.
  • Intense anxiety or panic attacks. For me this has been like when I have a high thyroid swing, but last blood-work actually showed my thyroid levels being significantly low, too low for a high swing.
  • Feeling like you’re breathing fire, breath hot enough to irritate your face when wearing a mask, but not registering a fever/temperature.
  • Stomach pains, diarrhea, and other digestive upsets even when not eating things known to cause such problems.
  • Headaches and migraines when previously they were rare.
  • Dizziness/vertigo. Two of my clients, one a known long-hauler, and myself have all had significantly worse issues with this. Neck locks up, so dizzy that it affects balance and walking. This used to only happen once every few years and at the beginning of both pregnancies, but now I’m having issues with it at least one out twice a month. My 2 clients it’s become nearly constant.
  • Mental disturbances. My son will be up doing things and not remember where he is at, or what he is doing. I have moments of depression which I can’t fight off like usual. I also have what I call intrusive thoughts- I’m on one topic and suddenly my brain feels the need to interject an extreme negative not always linked to my original thoughts. Nathan has been fighting depression since before the kidney diagnosis, but it’s gotten worse with that news. He is also having what I’m calling short circuit moments, his brain literally misfires and says the wrong words or he doesn’t understand what is being said to him. (Apparently it is a symptom of kidney issues, but overlaps enough with the rest of us I thought I better include it.)
  • Fatigue, often extreme. All of us have noted moments where we have to force ourselves to keep going. When it hits while I’m working out I feel like my legs suddenly weigh a thousand pounds and I can’t catch my breath. I literally have to coax myself through my exercise to be able to finish. Nathan has had moments so intense he falls asleep almost like narcolepsy, and that’s never been a thing for him before. My kids will just say they’re really droopy or groggy but stay fairly functional, occasionally acting like it’s bedtime, but in the middle of the day.
  • Racing heart. It comes and goes. Both of my coworkers had it tested. The one that ended up having an oblation had to have a subdermal monitor implanted to catch the tachycardic moments because the external monitor wasn’t catching them. It feels like your heart is going to explode out of your chest and aches all around your breast bone. I’ve taken my blood pressure every time I feel it, but the cuff never registers any irregularity and my BP is always normal.
  • Body aches. Ever since acknowledging certain food allergies, I’ve had body aches with exposure to them. Now, I fight them nearly constantly and long work days make it nearly intolerable. The worst is always my right upper back, probably because my work also triggers that area, but for nearly two weeks it’s been burning regularly even with maintenance self-care and massage and Acupuncture. It’s really getting old, and I’ve had to resort to advil way more than I am comfortable with. I’ve also have numerous clients specify the same area of chronic severe discomfort with the adage that it never used to be as bad.

It seems to me that for those in my awareness, Covid went after every weak spot imaginable. Yet we have no solution for those that already had the disease and experienced damage as a result. Half of us never even got tested because testing wasn’t available, and by the time it was we were informed it wouldn’t be reliable even for the antibody test (which for me fell under waste of money and wasn’t done). So yeah, my bullshit detector has been ringing like crazy and I want solutions.

Pretending that fewer people had it just because you didn’t test is ludicrous. You are literally ignoring a major portion of the population. Then all the BS already mentioned about vaccines, I say something smells majorly fishy. If medicine actually cared about people living full healthy lives this shit would change. If there isn’t a major change and access to actual healing solutions soon, you are very likely going to see hospitals start filling with long-haulers experiencing organ failures like Nathan.

I supect that there are many people that are slow burn. Those that didn’t feel sick when they tested positive. For all we know Covid went straight to their weak spots and it may be something that doesn’t have very visible symptoms, or maybe their weak spots were originally healthier than other people. Either way, long term you are likely to start seeing those people complain of problems they never had before. Hopefully western medicine’s greed and desire to treat just symptoms doesn’t cause this mess to get worse and create too much for them to handle.

Those of wanting real solutions have been nagging for quite some time now, and I will have no sympathy if they suddenly don’t have enough equipment to treat everyone’s long-term effects. I’ve been asking the establishment to change for several years now, and I know I am not alone.

So what do I want? I want the solution. What does that look like?

  • Healing.
  • Access to tools that really boost both immune function and body self-repair. IV treatments already exist that do both, but they are currently not covered by insurance and so far too infrequently administered to help the population as a whole. The are inaccessible and unaffordable.
  • Affordability and accessibility to those tools and cannabis products, the like of which have healed seizures disorders. That strength and purity is still out of reach for most people even with medicinal cannabis approval quickly spreading the country and world.
  • Doctors actually joining forces to set the system straight. Standing together to right the injustices and fix the brokenness. That requires them caring about people more than dollars again. That requires the whole system caring about people more than dollars.
  • Treating people with the goal of solving the root cause, even if it is complicated to figure out the root cause.
  • Treating people as individuals that are valuable to this world (not just sheep to herd). We treat our cows for mcdonald’s burgers better than we do our own population right now.
  • Doing what is right even if it goes against instructions from upper management. If you know X treatment is safer, more effective, and more likely to help/solve said problem, don’t let them sideline it because it produces less revenue. Stand for what is right and good in this world.

If all of this is so damn impossible, then maybe the whole damn system needs to crumble. If it can’t be fixed, then none of us should trust them. If it can’t be fixed and solutions found then there is no reason to sustain or support them. There is no reason to trust anyone bent on predicating a system set on just perpetuating costly bandages. Save your money and live life as best as you can without them.

That’s a lot, and yes I’m frustrated and angry. I shouldn’t be the only one voicing these concerns. And maybe I’m not, and the great AI funded by our 1%’s is doing a great job at silencing us all. Maybe someone needs to point out to those in control that if they kill us all off, they will have their giant pile of money and an empty world that doesn’t care they are rich. All the fun in being the one on top is lost when there isn’t anyone left under you. If your herd all dies then you have no-one to control and no-one to profit from. Just saying.

May you know your life matters. May you find a way to healing even when the system is against it. May you know you are on the right path and doing your best to help God and our world. May you see your own value and in doing so enable your own healing. May you know that God loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Burried Hatchets

FYI, anyone that actually reads this- kudos to you!!!

About 2.5 months ago I was solicited to purchase my domain with the China extension. I refused because I have yet to make anything off of this blog, and have such low readership that what I already pay for domain and hosting is hardly worth it. I couldn’t justify the cost of adding another extension. Even though they tried to convince me, I still refused because even though I am an American, I’m far from rich. The cost benefit scale was rediculously out of balance for me as an individual.

Anyway, since then, even if you Google or otherwise search my name or the blog itself it now falls fairly low on search results. Under my name, it falls even lower than images from a flicker account that is older than our teenager. Not only have I lost many of my regular readers, but I’m not even getting the sparatic views from all over the world. My blog has literally gone silent as far as any stats are concerned, which means I’m not even clearing any algorithms. So of my posts, approximately the last 40 have been largely unread by anyone, that takes you back to the New Year.

I point this out because it feels vendictive to me. I already fell so low on algorithms that there would have been literally thousands, if not millions, of blogs with much higher value, and thus much more likely to buy additional extensions. I myself have read many blogs with 10 times my readership and followers. So it boggled my mind as to why anyone would bother with mine. I have done nothing to anyone, and do my best to hide names and personal information about anyone I write about. The only identities I even slightly compromise are my own family, and even when I’m frustrated or upset I do my best to vent from a ‘harm none’ standpoint. So, with the low value scale for someone fishing to make money, and my low readership, and my efforts to be authentic yet still protect others, I’m simply dumbfounded. Perhaps it is someone with nothing better to do in their lives except crazy making for random strangers, and some stupid keyword was how I became their target. I don’t know.

I’m not in IT, do not have the skills to fix it, and really don’t have the resources to pay someone else to do so. Nathan has said he is going to try, and I’m going to reach out to WordPress to see if they are able to fix it.

Until then I suspect I will continue to write to no-one. It’s okay, it’s like when my blog was brand new 6 years ago, I just keep reminding myself that this blog is for me to write about what I want or need to. It is my space to express myself as best as I can. It is my safe space, and if I have no readers, then it is even safer.

If you did somehow actually manage to come across this post and read my blog, it would be nice to know I’m still showing up somewhere. I don’t need the validation, but sometimes it does give a little feel good boost, and I’m appreciative of all feel good boosts- regardless of the source.


Anyway, I really wanted to share my birthday fun with Nathan. The super crappy weather of my birthday week had caused it to be rescheduled, so we ended up going this afternoon.

We went to a place called “Bury the Hatchet” in Overland Park, Kansas. It was good fun, throwing hatchets at giant wooden targets. After a bit of basic instructions, and some practice, we played a round of “Black Jack” (goal to make 21 points) and two rounds of what they called “Area 51” (goal to count backwards from 51 to zero). It was a relatively inexpensive but really fun date outing. I had a blast and Nathan did too.

We knew that using hatchets can be physically taxing from our days cutting wood for heating our home. Yet, even when throwing them for fun it was really quite a bit of a workout. A great new way to exercise. I told Nathan it kinda makes me want to build a target in our backyard- we already have one hatchet and plenty of scrap lumber, I’d only need to buy a second hatchet and they’re about $20. Sounds like a good time to me. We’d just have to make certain that kids couldn’t find or reach hatchets when not in use. Hmmm….. 🤪😆

Here’s the pictures:


May you bury the hatchet in all ways, especially forgiving others when they’ve hurt you or messed with your blog. May you find fun outings to distract you from frustrations and boost your spirits. May you enjoy physical activity of all kinds. May you have plenty of physical activity. May you find that you enjoy life mostly, even and especially when you are writing for yourself. May you have fun adventures with loved ones. And above all, may you know that God loves and supports you no matter what.

Om Shanti

Ding-Dong KO

Ok, so sometimes my addictions, turn into a Multi-player Mortal Kombat round. I’m just as proud of myself, if the worst one of the ‘enemies’ is the one knocked out, as I would be winning a duel.

Sometimes it really is about picking your battle, and knowing that if only one was knocked out, then at least I didn’t die, and I’ll make it another round.

I am doing a lot better than I used to, but my addictions win more often than I would like. It’s a battle I’ve been practicing at for over 7 years and I still loose occasionally, but the little voice of inspiration said that I make it look too easy, and I need everyone to know it’s not.

The text conversation at the beginning of this post, was from the middle of a 5 hour shift yesterday. I was working front desk and it was a little slower for a change. Usually not a bad thing, so I never complain when it’s slow. The one exception caused my message to Nathan, I didn’t say a word to other staff because of embarrassment.

I was feeling weak, and probably could have used help, but it might as well have been the conversation I had to have over a shotgun which I couldn’t get out of my mind. I simply couldn’t have that conversation, over goodies, and with people that don’t really care about me to begin with. They care that I show up, do my job, and when shit hits the fan that I can handle it. They simply don’t want to have a conversation about, “hey, can you hide the goodies from me, my brain is torturing me already, …please?”

So I didn’t say anything.

An hour in, I had already looked at the box of Ding-Dongs over a dozen times. The brand new unopened box of Godiva chocolates had almost had as many views, but because it was unopened I wasn’t certain it was for staff, and kept telling myself someone would come pick it up any minute.

At one point I got so flustered that I got up abruptly, and quickly walked to the mail room, forgetting there’s a camera in there. As soon as the black globe caught my periphery, I froze in blush. Quick thinking, I gestured like I was looking for something and left. Only problem was, I noticed the box of brittle, I’d forgotten about, on the mailroom counter as I turned to leave.

I stood in the empty hall trying to figure out what I was doing, why, and what I needed to do. On my way back to the desk seat, I grabbed my seaweed pack and consumed it crunchily instead.

I drank a full bottle of water.

I amused myself on my phone for a little bit.

Then I noticed one too many glances in the directions of goodies again. At that point, I was lone staff, because the other person was delivering day-sheets throughout the building.

I got up and paced the floor. I refilled my water bottle and glanced at the brittle again on my way past. I grabbed my celery and sat to eat it, not quite even having gotten to hour two yet. I thought ‘better not eat it all, just in case’.

It was a little limp for not having eaten my sticks for 3 days. I’m burnt out on celery and it’s lost any appeal it ever did have, even the peanut-butter is losing any appeal to my taste buds. I ate about 6 celery sticks, each dipped once in peanut-butter. That was more than enough. I closed lids and left it sitting right in front of me.

Approximately 30 minutes later, my text to Nathan (above) went out as I was losing my resolve. Almost 3 hours into my shift, the Ding-Dongs were looking far too tempting. How was I going to make it another two?

I decided if I couldn’t managed a TKO, then at least the worst option should go down in flames. Instead of: gluten, and red-40, and chocolate, and sugar, and chemicals (all things found in Ding-Dongs that are bad for my system); I chose to go for the least impact, especially since the Godiva box was unopened and questionable. So Brittle won, and Ding-Dongs and chocolate were knocked-out!

Me and brittle. Mmmmm.

When I went to retrieve a piece, I got a big chunk with two smaller ones stuck to it. I decided I’d eat the two small bits and save the big one for later.

As my last two hours ticked by it was: celery stick with pb, pause, brittle, pause, celery stick, pause, brittle, pause, celery stick, pause, brittle and so on. Every few minutes a nibble of something. I also worked on a non-vital computer task to distract myself.

It worked. I ended up eating only brittle beyond my regular celery and seaweed I take everyday.

In the ring we have Valentine Ding-Dongs, Godiva Assortiment, Apple Pie Peanut Brittle, and Treasa with her green shit. And let the fight begin! …. Oh Treasa is taking some hard hits there, but she stays standing every time. Oh, she’s fighting back, 1-2, oh, the right hook…. Now APPB has sided with her, oh my folks, who’s going to win this battle royale! … And the winning team is Treasa with greens and Apple Pie Brittle! …Crowd goes wild!…. Aaaaa!

Sorry for the corney ring-side joke, I grew up on things like that.

Anyway, my point is, I didn’t say anything to anyone except Nathan, and he even only got a couple of texts. But for me it was 5 hours of torture, mostly mental – granted, and a very strategic battle to overcome the worst damages of losing altogether. It’s hard to know what’s going on inside another person’s head, and it’s even harder when they have 20 years of experience hiding it. I’m not perfect at anything, but I highly doubt the other two people that worked via the front office yesterday, had any clue I was even having a mental battle, let alone that the two culprits to trigger it were within reach all day.

They were oblivious to my mental torture, because I’ve spent 20 years either fighting it silently, or withdrawing from the world. When I withdraw, I’ve either lost the battle and given in fully, or I sleep it off and hope I wake to less triggering things. I’m glad to report that these days, my withdrawal periods are few, fairly well distanced from one another, and short lived.

So if you’re struggling with an addiction, even if it is “just food”, know it’s hard. It sucks, and takes everything you’ve got to function as normal as possible, but it’s worth it. On one hand my addiction won’t kill me with one oopse (overdose), but it’s so many places in life that it’s super easy to get and often people readily supply the worst versions for me. I don’t even have to pay anything for mine to be triggered. And those people that say it’s just food… They have no clue the chemical storm that an addiction stirrs in your brain, regardless of what the trigger is. I would also add that known reactions to chemicals used in some foods, are indicative of some of the same known reactions to some recreational drugs. Sugar has been compared to hard drugs like cocaine in numerous studies on brain function. So, it may be just food, but it’s still very much an addiction.

It’s time that everyone get some slack for how hard we’re all working to overcome challenges, especially when many of us are very much addicted to “just food”. An addiction is hard no matter what “it” is. If you’re fighting at all then you deserve a damned medal.

Be kind to yourself and give yourself some love for it.

Also, find people you can confide in. I have my Nathan, but he gets tired of hearing of some the same things repeatedly, we all do. You need enough people to confide in that they don’t get sick of it, but don’t utilize having more options as a reason for complaining more. Keep in mind everything you talk about and focus on brings more of it, so if you focus on the battle too much you’ll just get more battle. So, regardless of my embarrassment, I still do my best to talk about my battles as little as possible, in an attempt to reduce their frequency. It is working, just very slowly.

Those of us fighting the good fight, we rock. Anyone that wants to put you down or belittle your efforts can take a hike or KMA. We are fighting addictions of a wide variety that didn’t exist 100 years ago. We have a bigger challenge than most in older generations would even consider. Appreciate your own efforts and thank your body every single day, that you have a chance to try again. Give your own self some love for all the things you survived, and apologize to every organ sincerely explaining your doing your level best with all the challenges that come your way.

Know it could be worse, there always something that’s worse. But also know that you are winning a tough battle and that makes you amazing.

May you triggers always be conveniently out of reach, literally or metaphorically. May you know you have loving support if you need it, and the ability to discern if it’s better to distract yourself and attempt to attract fewer battles. May you have confidence in your ability to overcome and succeed in all endeavors. May you love yourself for all that you have managed to accomplish. May you know you’re on the right track. May you know you are loved and supported by God in all that you do, and everything you need.

Om Shanti