Tag Archives: be the change you wish to see

Withdrawn Again

I’ve set my site to private for now, so if you’re reading this in present tense, it means you care enough to have reached out on some level. I thank you deeply from my heart.

For those that may read this way later, if I reopen my blog, I wish you only blessings. I needed space and felt too much scrutiny to stay public for now. Writing is my way to process my world and it helps me reach for better. Sometimes I feel like others miss that point, and judgments are passed improperly. I needed to process without scrutiny for a change.

I have had moments that are hard to put into words because they involve the unseen. I’m getting information, but not enough to matter. One of my duo is hurting and I feel it. The other seems to be trying to be supportive, but I don’t understand what I feel and why, and neither will reach out to me and tell the truth. I have reached out several times to the one which I think I feel as being the supportive one, without success, and feel like they must think I am crazy. I also wonder if I am crazy or becoming a stalker, I had thoughts about trying to go overseas and find them, but I don’t know enough truth to even make that attempt. I would be the crazy person wandering the streets going up to complete strangers trying to ask them questions based on half truths and unknowns, and that’s assuming I could navigate language barriers. I don’t want to be that person, so I am trying yet again in vain to disconnect.

Then the american guy. There’s been thoughts and feelings there too, but that seem to be falling flat. I had a discussion about one of my hopes with another person, and their perspective left me wondering what the hell I’m doing. I almost feel like I’ve got it all wrong and there isn’t any hope. Again, I can’t fix the problem, because it is bigger than anyone lets on. Solutions could be found if I and others were respected and we all came together, but at the moment I feel like it would be better to just walk away quietly.

Pile on top of that my father. I suspected that he has been digitally stalking me, and this week I had validation, a couple of times over. With him too I wish no malice, but his negativity is a thick lead blanket threatening to drag me down and drown me. I know I can not get through to him to create the understanding needed to change that, I’ve tried several times over. I’m fairly certain that he is the one that keeps creating the energetic ripple of ‘Nathan needs to go’. He simply refuses to even try to get to know my husband, my love, my reason to keep going. Sadly it is probably based on some old long standing grudge over being replaced by a black person years ago. What he fails to see is that the companies that replaced him with a black person, did so because they could get an equally or more skilled person at half the cost. It was okay for the company as a cost saver, but disrespected the black person’s value. Beyond that if my father had been offered the job at what they gave the black people he would have been offended by being under valued by the company, but doesn’t see that is what they did to the person they actually hired. So it’s ludicrous to hold the grudge in the first place, but it causes him to think the worst of all black people, even my husband. Two children later, he still wants me to leave my love, and won’t even acknowledge that I do indeed love Nathan. I simply can not stand for that, so I’ve gone private.

This lesson I am struggling with. I love these people with all my heart, but they are hurting me energetically and emotionally, and disrespecting me. They don’t understand that refusing to see all of who I am and what I care about, is that which hurts me. I don’t want to be hurt by their negativity- I know I deserve better, but I do care about them, my compassion is allowing me to be trampled. I am allowing myself to be hurt by their actions and their state of being. I don’t know yet, how to prevent their negativity from hurting me. I just know there is a way to still love them and not be hurt by their actions and vibrations. One day I will figure it out and it will no longer matter.

Yet it has given me another moment of understanding how God must feel at times. God wants to love us all, and wants us to love each other, but we are so busy picking at each other and being so selfish that we hurt each other. I know God loves us all based on our core spirit, even someone as horrible as Trump. That man is so busy hurting other humans that I know God must be very sad over the way he is treating other people. Additionally, I find myself hating him for all the hurtful actions he has done, but God wants us to find love and compassion for all, not just some. We are intended to be lifting each other up and celebrating love and positive actions, but we are too busy picking at each other to care. Our picking, hurtful actions and hate of others: they all hurts ourselves, because they cut our connection to God.

This moment has been amplified over the horrible storm that hit the Midwest this week. It affected much of my family, as several of them live in Iowa in the path of the storm. Yet very little has made the news about it. When Nathan and I went looking, after having talked to my mom, we found a few articles with pictures from just a couple of towns. Yet this storm has been called an inland hurricane and decimated hundreds of miles of land across 4 states, and millions of acres of crops were ruined. It was worse damage than caused by the 2008 Floods to hit Iowa. In recent history Joplin Missouri was decimated by a huge tornado and the country rushed to the rescue, those same 2008 floods also had the country rush to the rescue. We have rescued so many areas from such horrible things, but right now the country and the world are so busy arguing over politics, masks, and Covid that this massive horrible event is going ignored. My mom said it could be another week or two even until her area gets power back, and the flattened substation that services her home serves most of a two county area. People are running out of perishable foods, fuel, and there is no electrical service and thus anything impacted by loss of electricity. There are hundreds of thousands of people without power across 4 states and in several major cities, but the death toll is not astronomical, so hey lets not care or anything.

Except that death is not the only cause of suffering, neither is disease. Yet, this suffering of hundreds of thousands of people is fixable in short order if we came together and even acknowledged it. Just like Joplin, Puerto Rico, Wildfires, and the 2008 Floods: we could bring quick solutions if we cared. God wants us to see the quick solutions and do them, God wants us to help each other, God wants us to set aside differences &/or fears and help each other in every way, not just some ways for some people.

But I am one singular confused person, trying to sort out my own puzzle, and figure out how to prevent allowing people I care about to hurt me. The best I can do is go get my mom for a visit and spare her from sitting in the dark alone for days on end. I might also be able to bring her neighbors a bit of something to help them get through. Beyond that I have no idea what to do because there doesn’t seem to be any official system for helping in a broader sort of way. It’s saddening.

I know I am here in this world to help others and do my best to bring the light. Sometimes that seems to be extra difficult. Sometimes, I simply have to try and find my way back to the light myself. You can’t give light if you are having trouble seeing it yourself.

I am valuable, I am worthy. I deserve love and respect and truthful apologies. I am a good person and I am doing my best. I deserve to have others see that and acknowledge my improvement. Yet, I deserve to see my own improvement and my own progress and I deserve to have things I desire without penalty. I deserve the ability to overcome suffering, especially because of things outside of my control. I deserve to feel more at peace, and I deserve to be able to love others without being hurt. I deserve better understanding and higher vibrations. I deserve to be accepted as I am, for who I am, wholly and completely and find full healing for my brain and my body. I deserve for those that I love to come together and love each other and support each other, because that is what is right for humanity, but also simply because I love them. If God loves them and I love them, then they are worth others loving as well. They all have value in one way or another, I want for humanity to start seeing the value, the love, the good, and the reasons to come together. I deserve to enjoy life and see the good more.

May you see the good and enjoy life. May you understand life’s lessons. May you find ways to support God and humanity. May you focus on uplifting the world and being there for fellow humans. May you accept the good in others and work on finding common ground. May you accept others simply because someone you know loves them. May you see everyone’s value. May you want to get to know others. May you find ways to drop the negatives and allow God’s goodness in your life. May you reach for feeling better and helping the world.

Siva Hir Su.

More thought correction

More words, attempting to convey feelings and processes I’ve been working through. A continual effort toward self-improvement. A continuation of the last few posts.

I’m trying to do what this song speaks to:

I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you.

Still figuring out what God and my inner being want to be/feel loved. So far I have figured out the following.

  • I like being shown genuine appreciation and attraction, but I have been lied to so much in my life I’ve begun to believe everyone is lieing to me. Plus knowing I don’t fit the standard of beauty (by a long shot) makes me believe I am just receiving lip-service when I am told I’m beautiful.
  • I love loving and being loved, but I’ve lost so many people whom I loved, that I’ve begun to cut myself off before I get hurt. I’ve also been afraid of letting new people in at all.
  • I like being given money or gifts of any kind really, but I’m so afraid of not knowing how, or being able to repay it that I hold it off. The one exception is massage tips because I know they are a gift of showing ones appreciation for a job really well done, and I’m not expected to repay them.
  • I like knowing that I’m doing better financially, but I’ve had to work so hard for what little I do have that I’m afraid that everyone is out to get me, take advantage of me, or rip me off. I honestly thought that someone I loved was being manipulated enough that they or the manipulator wanted to make me pay- extortion. In reality I can see that they might have thought I was attempting to do that level of manipulation, and they were just trying to protect themselves.
  • Because I constantly feel others emotions, but don’t always understand their origin or reason, AND they are most frequently from the more negative spectrum- I have begun to assume that people are lieing to me, that there’s no love, and that I should distrust everything.
  • Putting elements like these together has caused me to cut 3 people off which I care very much for. I hurt them accidentally and now I’m afraid of making things worse.

1) Why does all of this unravel in such a way that everything is excruciating and progress is slow, not to mention the painfulness of realizing you have it all wrong and have to start over again and again?

2) I know we’re not here to get it done, or fix anything, but sometimes the solutions are so complex or hard to find that it seems like a never ending goose chase. I wish that some of these belief puzzles were less taxing on my system and easier to solve.

3) I keep “returning to the essence” to forget everything for a bit, but it always wears off. Why doesn’t my stupid brain learn better and let go of all of it in a more prolonged way!

So I love… (Without the fears and hang-ups).

  • Gifts and money being given to me.
  • Being appreciated and having people express what they find attractive about me.
  • Being loved and loving others.
  • I enjoy being appreciated.
  • I like knowing my finances continue to gradually improve.
  • I prefer feeling with understanding. I prefer experiencing that with positive emotions.
  • I prefer knowing my ability to feel combined with my intelligence is what keeps me safe. I love feeling safe and protected.
  • I enjoy being held, especially in strength which encourages the feeling of safety.
  • I love having conversations where I get to learn more about someone I care for.
  • I love being creative.
  • I love finding solutions.
  • I love finding and maintaining peace.

May you figure out your hang-ups easily. May you find your solutions. May people be forgiving of your mistakes. May people be genuine, truthful, honest, and caring when sharing thoughts of you. May you find the believing place where you feel a knowing of their truthfulness. May you find and maintain your peace. May you feel the love. May you find a way to make things right. May you allow your own happiness.

Siva Hir Su

Why I prefer “chick flicks”.

So I was contemplating my preferences after my recent acknowledgements, and in the process came to an understanding as to why I prefer “chick flicks”.

I was literally attempting to put words to my quandary of why do men do the machismo thing more than in the past, or so it seems to me.

I had thought about how at one point men in media were shown as dashing, handsome, wholesome, and multi-talented. I thought of moments like are found in a myriad of movies, but especially I thought of scenes from Gene Kelly and Fred Astaire movies, I thought of Casa Blanca. Actors from that era were expected to be good looking, but also excellent dancers and singers, they had to be strong, and often were required to speak multiple languages.

I’m fully aware that even though that was the standard in media, our society still had the full array of everything you still find today. Yet, there was an understanding in society that those were qualities that earned respect and showed your integrity. Those were the virtues that even regular working class people strived for, that even the average Joe reached for.

I then thought about movies today. There’s a whole lot more blood and gore. There are strong men, but every time you see a strong man- a superhero, someone dies, and often many people loose their lives in such movies. Going back a bit there are those Rambo type war stories, there are zombie apocalypse movies, and straight up superheroes like spider man. In all of these movies their strength is for one goal, take down the bad guys at all costs. I would agree that usually what’s chosen to define the bad guys is clear and agreed upon by societal standards, yet each and every movie includes the loss of innocent lives.

I realised that even though I acknowledged that those are all present in our world today, I prefer not to watch it for entertainment.

I prefer to see strength demonstrated in other ways, and I suspect I’m not alone. It’s why feats of herculean strength are now demonstrated in games: Olympics, Ninja Warrior, Highland Games, and the like. The games eliminate the blood and gore while still demonstrating strength and agility. I appreciate that, it’s a much more civilized and palatable way to experience that virtue.

That then brought me around to Hallmark movies and why I love them so much. They are wholesome, the people are genuine, there is kindness and love. Yet you still are treated with complex stories that could happen to regular everyday people. It takes the complexity of this world, but focuses on happier more joyous aspects and outcomes.

Though I mostly prefer heartwarming stories like those, I will watch other movies. I still prefer movies where the people demonstrate intelligence and strength without so much blood and gore. I also greatly like fantastical movies like Harry Potter and the less gory science-fiction like Star Trek/Star Wars.

I suppose that is why I like Will Smith so much. Beyond also being polyamorous, he’s good looking, charming, charismatic, and many of his movies he’s able to accomplish great things with a minimum of blood and gore. I really truly appreciate that.

I told Nathan it’s one of the things I appreciate most about him. Even though he doesn’t look like a hallmark actor or Will Smith, he embodies many of the qualities that they do, and he’s cute to me, and that’s what counts.

So then I sat to define what I appreciate most about others, and admitted that looks are a relatively small factor. As far as looks go, I appreciate this:

Really what I’m trying to show is that I find appreciation in a wide variety of people and body types. I have discovered that only the severely unhealthy people are unattractive to me. Those people that have given up on their health, or just didn’t care to begin with. I’ve known several of those people and just can’t even contemplate a relationship with any of them. I’m sorry, but Yuck!

What is it I do appreciate about people that makes me desire them then?

Hmmm…..

  • Kindness
  • Concern
  • Thoughtfulness
  • Intelligence (As Queen Latifa would say I get lady wood there.)
  • A belief in something greater than us.
  • The ability to learn and discuss complex topics (quantum physics is one I find particularly fascinating, even if I have trouble keeping up with it).
  • The desire to keep learning.
  • Strength of physical, mental, and emotional aspects.
  • A desire to do better, striving for more, self improvement goals.
  • Loving
  • Supportive
  • Striving for equality and social justice is pretty high on my list.
  • A desire to help make the world a better place.

Yet there’s more….

  • I like a good challenge, someone that makes me think or improve myself even more.
  • I like encouragement when I’m admittedly not at my best, you don’t always have to challenge me.
  • I like knowing I’m appreciated.
  • I like knowing they notice small things about me.
  • I like when they take criticisms or input as a challenge for improving themselves as well, and likewise do my best not to stir that pot too often.
  • I like people that work well together, especially since ultimately I hope to build Atira through my chosen family. It would be in our best interests to be able to work and play together and not get sick of each other.
  • So an ability to compromise, problem solve, and find a balance in challenging situations is very exciting to me.
  • I find good communication skills quite sexy too. If you can tell me work flow concerns in one breath and follow that with coherent sentimental thoughts in your next breath, I might faint on you.
  • I love when people can make and keep priorities. For instance I know I need a certain diet, certain amounts of sleep and exercise, and certain balance between work and recreation. Most of the time I’m able to maintain that, occasionally I fail. I prefer those around me accomplish the same.

Though I feel like there are many more qualities I could define, those are usually ones that I look for evidence of first. At that point then I’m usually familiar with a person enough that it becomes about analyzing their interactions or their behaviors, and their words. I start looking for alignment between the two. That represents integrity and honesty to me. If I get to know someone and one of those starts to show gaps, it almost always becomes the undoing of the relationship. I’ve been hurt enough times that I simply loathe intentional mistruths and/or manipulations. For a long term relationship, I simply must have honesty and integrity.

And that brings me full circle back to Hallmark movies. They are chalk full of honesty and integrity and showing how if you’re not honest what damage it can do. So I’ll end with a thank you to Hallmark. Thank you for wholesome movies that show the importance of honesty, integrity, and kindness.

May you all have your defining moments of greater clarity. May you all find an abundance of honest people in your lives, and may you experience many examples of integrity. Above all may you find the love you seek.

Siva Hir Su