Tag Archives: Be the Change

I refuse.

I went off on my older house-call lady this afternoon and walked out afterwards saying I wouldn’t charge her, but I wouldn’t be back either.

First see here for a link to a blog from a while ago, but on a topic I’ve had too many discussions over in my adult life: women must have done something to attract rape (this is beyond victim energetics, which often starts very young because of an abuser in early childhood).

Here’s the problem, most rapes are carried out by men. The physicality of anatomy and physiology means that it is very difficult for a woman to truly rape a man the way that men regularly rape women. For the power-based forced-sex to happen, a woman literally has to drug a man to make sure he is incapacitated and still erect. So most female rape perps are age based, older woman has sex with a teenager type thing. We still see that as wrong and deserving of punishment, but does anyone ever blame the boy that is taken advantage of- NO!

Yet we regularly defend men in a rape allegation, as the woman must have done something to invite it. WRONG!!!!!!!!

How about instead of allowing men to keep perpetuating their shitty behaviour, maybe us women should just start going around slicing off peni and testicles. We could put them on ice and have test tube babies that never get damaged by inappropriate behavior from men. I doubt anyone would say that ‘maybe the man wore too tight of pants’, or that they are to blame because ‘they stayed out to late’.

Yet, if we women started a revenge rampage by slicking dicks off, you’d bet your last dollar that shit would change quick. Not only would the men never get accused of inviting such hideous crimes, but the search for the perps would be hard and fast.

So I ask you, why is rape against women not held to the same standard?

This week I’ve heard our front desk lady get called doll and missy. If I had been working the front desk I’m not sure what I would have done. It’s inappropriate to slap a paying customer, but that is what I would like to have done. She is a grown woman, not some little missy to talk down to. She is a grown woman not a doll for a toddler to play with. Get your fucking act together and treat us with respect damn it. How many decades do your wives, mothers, daughters, nieces, and aunts have to be battered, beaten, talked down to, taken advantage of, and treated as less than. Your fucking penis wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for a woman.

The men that are good men should be sticking up for women more loudly, and sometimes that means pull your head out of your ass and do the right thing. It means vote slime-balls out of office. It means vote for stricter punishment. It means turn someone into authorities when you know they did something wrong. It means protect women when you could walk away. It means correcting other men’s demeaning behaviors. And for God’s sake it means never, ever accuse a woman of anything when she has said someone raped or molested her.

And that brings me around to my old lady. She was all Trump supporting nonsense, and I tried to politely correct her. When she proceeded to argue and dig in, I lost it.

I went off on how Trump is a womanizing ass-hat with cronies that are even worse. I pointed out that he was recorded saying he had the right to grab a woman by the pussy. It was played on live television over and over again. I told her: “how did that not register in your brain anywhere, how can you let that slide for any reason”. It should have never happened, our children should have never been exposed to those words used in that way, let alone repeatedly on the news. I said “as a woman with a vagina how can you think a human that says words like that is even acceptable, let alone worth having as the leader of our country”. I explained that even if she ignored all of his other failures, that statements like that should be enough to say no.

It is simply not okay. Women are worth more than that, and no woman should ever be grabbed by her pussy, especially someone using it as a power play. How anyone in their right mind can accept a man that says horrible things like that is beyond me. And I simply can’t tolerate it anymore.

I’m half tempted to put a sign on my office saying Trump supporters not welcome, and willingly deal with the backlash.

If you as a man think you respect women, then you need to look at your behaviors. Do you let other men talk like that to women? Do you call women sweetie, or honey and they aren’t your spouse? Do you stop men when they are disrespectful to women? If Trump said he would grab your wife or sister or daughter or mother by the pussy, would you re-elect him?

This behavior must stop. NOW!!!!!

This is one woman that has to much respect for my own gender to continue to tolerate any of that behavior, and I’m seriously feeling a slice and dice rampage right at the moment.

If you can not respect that women have taken that abuse, and held down jobs, and given birth the the new generations, and raised their families, and kept homes in order, then you need not live any longer.

My own father was that womanizer. Calling women ugly, fat, looking at us like objects for his approval or disapproval, having extramarital affairs without consent of his wife, my mother. I remember when mom found out about the one. As an adult I learned mom knew for certain about 2, but suspected 2 more. See the problem with an affair is you disrespect your spouse by not giving them the respect of choice, you disrespect your spouse by lieing and hiding the secrets and it causes emotional damage because your spouse internalizes that they must be less than, or did something wrong. All the while it was your hiding, secrecy, and lies that were wrong. But that wasn’t good enough, every shopping outing was judgement of complete strangers. How they dressed, what they wore, how they did their hair, whether they met your definition of beautiful or not. Scrutiny of skin color and ethnicity. It was all there and all atrocious behavior.

It made us all hate him for his bad behavior, but no one told him directly. My mother only told him the one time that she knew he was having an affair, and said it better stop or there would be consequences. He stopped just long enough that she quit watching. None of us children were able to say anything, too young and the damage was already done. And not a single other person told him what he was doing was wrong that he was talking poorly of people and mistreating both his wife and his mistresses.

That is why I am so adamant for polyamory where everyone knows and is openly accepting and loving, where kids are safe and taught that love and respect is more important than quantity or rules. Where behaviors are kept in check and always respectful of the entire family. Where children learn how to respect women, especially their mothers, and mothers are supported by extra hands on deck which automatically teaches children not only that women deserve respect, but what the mechanics of respect look like. And no one deserves to be called pet names. Use their real fucking name for God’s sake, unless they request otherwise.

I’m done renting for now.

May you see the respect you deserve. May you know your are loved. May all women be treated with love and respect and given the rights and retribution they deserve. May women be supported and slime-balls ass-hats die (or at least not be re-elected). May women know they have their power back and God’s supports us.

Siva Hir Su

Keeping my word: update 2

*image sourced from Pexels library, is not Atutmn*

My visit with Autumn in the hospital was very good and very needed. She is a beautiful woman that has been hurt many times in her life, and in horrible atrocious ways. I think more than anything that is her biggest hurdle to being well.

I took her a $15 orchid from Hy-Vee (midwestern grocery chain). She cried because they were beautiful and unexpected.

She cried several times, because she explained that she honestly had a wary reaction to our offer to help, along the lines of: ‘what do they want from me’.

It took me explaining my journey with mental health caused by thyroid disease (which I now know probably has it’s root cause in a chronic viral infection) and how much I have had to go through and deal with and figure out on my own. I explained that when I begged God to help me pull up and fix everything, that I had promised to return the favor to others, and she was simply my first encounter to fit the bill.

I also explained to her that for both mine and Nathan’s hospital stays 8 and 10 years ago, there was no one that helped us navigate those times. I simply said “everyone needs someone sometimes, and Nathan and I didn’t have that someone when we needed it, so when I realized she didn’t have anyone, I was determined to be there for her”. She cried again.

We connected on similar childhood journeys and the battle with depression, including many of the symptoms that leave a person feeling crazy and like no one understands. She was amazed when to her comment of “sometimes the world seems so flat and two dimensional”, my response was “like everything looks like cardboard cutouts, like paper dolls”. I explained that I now know that is a symptom of brain swelling combined with exhaustion, your brain literally compresses your view into a more easily processed flattened image, it helps conserve energy and enables processing when the physical structure of the brain is literally under pressure. I told her my last bout of that was when the virus flared 3 weeks ago, and it made driving home very difficult. She cried again, and I cried too.

She was so relieved that someone really truly understood what she was going through. That she wasn’t alone and that there was hope. I told her I’m not perfect, I still have bad days and fall downs, but I will take my occasional fails over the constant struggle of years and years past. I reassured her it isn’t the easiest fix, and can be really hard to maintain, but is totally worth it. She wanted to live to try, and that is huge.

She has had a much harder adult life than I have and that led to some of her current woes. The infection itself started when a drug dealer abducted her and forceably shaved her with a dirty razor. That was the precipitating event that was ended with a police standoff and her being admitted to hospital care. That was one of many horrendous stories she shared with me and Nathan. My heart goes out to her, no one ever deserves to be treated like that.

Regardless, I promised her that I knew several things we could try if she made it out of the hospital. Things that would help with her depression and possibly other health concerns that have been sidelined by trauma and the MRSA infection. Even some techniques that combined with her psychiatric care might help release some of the traumas’ damage. I will not replace the pros, merely supplement.

I also told her if I had known about her job loss, I could have helped with that too, but now we’ll have to wait for her to get better. See, like me she was working with an elderly woman doing home health. Where I go and come from several people, she had one lady that she worked with all the time and that lady had passed away causing her to lose her source of income. I told her that I am connected to the elder care network in this city so well, that if I had known I could have found her work quickly. She cried more.

She was simply overwhelmed that Nathan and I are so willing to help her in what seems to her as huge ways. She said “To think I went to a cafe so many years ago to read a book to escape my father’s abuse.” I told her “I know, sometimes you never know when you meet someone as to what it will mean later”.

Please do keep sending prayers. I may have given her just enough of a nudge of encouragement for her to pull through, but only time and God will tell.


On another note, a friend of ours from college, living in Iowa, is going through a rough journey as well. He could also use prayers. He has more of a support network, but he has small children like me and as you’ll see below and equally scary prognosis as Autumn.

These are challenging times, and the virus of the news is really the least of the problems. The news still wants you to think it is the worst, but I really don’t think it is. I keep reminding people that if someone has health problems slowly taking their lives and corona polishes them off, then corona gets the sole blame. I will not be one bit surprised if at the end of the year, the heart disease, cancer, and other death stats are far lower than they typically trend. It’s how they are padding numbers to make the stats scary.

Beyond that, we are experiencing a global shift and the survivors will be the ones that take care of themselves, but also help humanity find oneness and healing.

If you get stuck in fear, anger, or divisiveness it will likely cause you much more immediate problems. The more time you spend in negative thought patterns, the more likely you will suffer and may not survive. I know this is my biggest challenge, but it really is for everyone, especially with the external input we have available at this time.

You must honor yourself and your needs as much as you are able. You must quiet the mind as much as you are able. You must look for your inner being as much as you are able. And when all else fails look for the flowers or cute kids or adorable animals to distract yourself and find moments of positivity. It is difficult, and I too struggle to do so at times, but coming together and aiming for positive solutions is the main solution for everything.

I half want to write a post expounding on why medicine is scared over this or any virus (the lack of post-contraction treatment beyond symptom relief); but I halfway don’t, because it would cause me to focus on things that piss me off and which I have no solution for personally. I want medicine to solve the problem, but acknowledge there are mechanisms far beyond my control preventing the corporate desire to want the ability to cure chronic viral infections.

I know focusing on that topic for too long would be detrimental to me. I may still work on that post a little at a time. It needs pointed out and expounded on, but if I am to do that I will have to do so in manageable ways that help maintain my own energetically-sovereign-self. We shall eventually see if I can do it or not.

May you find ways to maintain your energetically-sovereign-self and stay buoyant in these challenging times. May you take care of yourself enough to survive the shift. May you see ways to help others do the same. May we all reach for oneness and helping humanity progress for the better. May you see the value of acceptance of others and oneness, and thus enable humanity to improve and survive the shift as a collective. If you are certain it is your time to go, and none of this is possible for you, then may you have the easiest quickest gentlest transition possible. May we all know that God loves and supports all of us and wants all of humanity to grow in positive ways. May you see that God really wants us to genuinely care about those around us, regardless of blood ties or any other superficial ties. May you share the light that helps us all get through our days just a bit easier.

Siva Hir Su

Multifidus

What are Multifidus?

Multifidus muscle (musculi multifidi) Multifidus is a group of short, triangular muscles that along with the semispinalis and rotatores comprises the transversospinal group of deep back muscles. They are the thickest muscles in the transversospinal group, and are shorter than semispinalis, but longer than rotatores.

Erector spinae and multifidus The erector spinae muscles produce the extensor force needed for lifting, whereas the segmental extensors, primarily the multifidus muscle, provide stabilization of individual lumbar motion segments

Beyond muscles, I thought it was appropriate terminology for linking together multiple elements of which one finds support, stabilization and overall functionality. That is why I chose to start my blog with that name today.

I have found myself pondering many things this week, and their link is me. They are all elements of my life that I string together into one functional cohesive whole, moving together for a greater good. They give me support through learning lessons and being able to see my own skills and progress. Without any one of them my metaphorical spinal column would collapse.

There was the strep throat, which once I got the PA to pull her head out of fraidy-cat and do her job, quickly began subsiding. It’s amazing how an antibiotic and Prednisone script when utilized properly for the appropriate disease works wonders. I went from not being able to eat or drink hardly at all for 2 solid days; to now I have a tiny tickle that makes me cough occasionally, and a couple rough patches in my throat that haven’t fully healed. I was less concerned about the lack of eating as I have already been eating minimally for a while. But the dehydration began to set in fast and by the time I actually saw the PA I’d already gotten chapped lips and my skin on my hands was cracking and peeling. If I’d have gone another day without enough water I’d have been wasting a hospital bed just because of lack of fluids. I’m just glad I got through to her and managed to get a proper solution.

During my short strep journey my mom visited. In fact it really was nearly the same 5 day stretch. She was not really concerned about catching what I had since we’d both had strep before. I love my mom. We had long talks about a lot of things. I really appreciate all the good things I gained from her. I realized that she has had a hard time fighting her own demons and that has left her feeling like she didn’t do right by me. I did my best to explain that there wasn’t anything she could have done differently and that though there are some things I’m still trying to change about myself- mostly from dad, and I truly appreciate all the good qualities I gleaned from her. She’s my mom and I love her.

While she was here she cuddled with kitties which I know made her miss her departed Rusty and Fuzzy. I miss those cats too sometimes. She also made friends with Zen. It was adorable.

She also spent many hours sitting on our porch swing watching birds and butterflies in our yard. I have a few thistles we let blossom to dry for tea, and the goldfinches, hummingbirds and butterflies simply love them.

Kansas City is still not normal functionality for many things and my mom loves gardens. So my solution, for being under par myself and not being able to do normal things, was to do a driving tour of the city with stops at a couple of the gardens. We went to Jacob Loose park for their beautiful rose gardens and then to Kaufman Gardens, both of which are free and open year round, though prettiest in May to early July. Anya climbed trees and tried to encourage Ian to try as well. It was good fun. We all had a good time and everyone benefitted from some calm fun in the sun.

After our day of sunshine and flowers, I drove mom home to Iowa. I was sad to have to let her go, and I sincerely hope it is not the last time I see her. I know she feels like she has lived a full life and she tells me over and over that she is ready to go home. She says her body hurts frequently and she’s just looking forward to seeing her divine family. We have a genetic heinze-57 mix in our family, but heavy on Irish, Scottish and English. However, mom talks about her dreams of her Irish family and her true love she never found in this life, even having dreams of her horse. I told her I can sympathize and told her of my dreams where I was Quan Yin and Shiva (that brought up a whole discussion of beliefs in reincarnation and how sometimes I feel like I get judged unfairly for cultural strip mining.) Regardless, I appreciate our long conversations and hope there will be more of them. There are some things I still don’t tell my mom, because I simply just know she wouldn’t understand. Her relationship history has not been good, and elements of it leave me knowing she would not understand polyamory. I don’t think she would be mad or upset, just that she is in the state of misunderstanding where you can’t believe that someone would willingly want to do something. So I don’t talk about it, but we do find plenty of other things to talk about. It made for the almost 300 miles back to her home in Iowa much less painful.

On the drive though I was sad to see how much damage the derocho did as it passed through Iowa. The entire I-80 corridor had major damage and it stretched for miles and miles both north and south of 80. Mom was saying that originally they estimated a third of the crops were devastated, but as the damaged plants have dried, they are now suspecting half of the crops are lost. Harvest will begin early to glean how badly everything was damaged. I’m finding myself glad over the fact that I have not consumed corn or soy for a long while now, and that even my meat consumption is lower. The 4 states that were devastated by the storms are all in the top 10 of corn and soybean producers. That means that next year the hogs and cows will have less feed and the myriad of products made from corn and soy will all be much more costly and possibly more scarce. Something I simply will not need to worry about. It does concern me for the rest of the country though.

Anyway, some of the devastation was so intense I just had to try and snap picture as we passed. It may be hard for the untrained eye, so I’ll give you a couple internet images of healthy fields and trees first. The first two are just what a healthy corn crop looks like from the side, 3rd is those healthy fields on a tree line, and last is a healthy soy crop.

Next are the images I managed to snap from the car- sorry for the window glare. What you’ll see: Entire lines of trees with their leaves ripped off, entirely or much more sparse than usual. Corn fields flattened directionally, corn fields with few stalks standing and those are ripped bare; soy fields with huge swaths of brown damaged plants; trees fallen by the thousands many still being cut into usable wood for alternate purposes.

What I didn’t catch was all the businesses and homes with major damage. There simply was too much for me to document properly on my short drive. It is a bit sad for me because I know a much different Iowa and it will take years for the trees to fully recover. Businesses and homes will be rebuilt quickly, a matter of weeks to months and insurance will do its job. Crops will be harvested to the best of their abilities, and there will be an impact, but Iowa farmers have always done good to utilize as much as possible, so if they can salvage they will. What they can’t salvage insurance will cover in the short term and long term people will adjust as needed. We will get through this as much as any disaster.

What it all did do was give me something to shift my focus to gratitude and to see what I do have. Ultimately I spent the rest of my drive back to my home focusing on the good things and seeing that my Atira really is here. It’s not as I have dreamed all these years, but it is here and it’s close enough. I had a solid knowing that I am good enough and my dreams did matter.

My big shiney Atira dome home, for a big poly family, well it’s me and Nathan, kids and pets, in a 3 bedroom ranch in Kansas City. But there is hope for more, and always room to grow.

My mom isn’t in a little dome on the back 40, no she’s in a little brick quad-plex in rural Iowa. But she wouldn’t have had upkeep either way, and she has the peace and quiet in nature that I always wanted to give her. She is mostly content, and though I can’t walk to see her, it’s not really that long or painful of a drive.

My grumpy ass dad that wasn’t even supposed to be at Atira still got to visit and see that all his demeaning behaviors made me a better person than he. Plus he’s being cared for by my sister whom, even without any experience, is probably the better candidate to meet his desires and outdated beliefs.

My business park is really just the clinic; and my significant-other business partners, well they’re not-so-significant-others. Despite having thought the one chiropractor had lots of potential with the energetic connection, I’ve come to terms that it probably won’t go anywhere. And the office manager is a kind hearted woman like my mom, that wants to understand and be helpful, but sometimes just needs others to be understanding for her and her concerns. The both have my heart in much different ways than my dreams of Atira had implied. No less significant though.

My temple is my basement and no gatherings have been accomplished because of Covid. This too will pass.

My affordable, very capable, mechanic that can fix anything is a good man in Merriam.

My stores are scattered all over the metro area.

My Atira community is really another companies’ retirement home that has wonderful people working and living in it. I’m glad that my skills are still of service to them.

My festival grounds are our old stomping grounds out at Camp Gaea, and those too have been put on hold due to Covid. You know if it’s clothing optional, that masks won’t be worn either.

My studio space is a corner of our bedroom, and Nathan’s darkroom is the spare small room in the basement. Our gallery is still manifesting.

And Nathan. He is my everything. He wasn’t supposed to be, there were supposed to be others to share the load. But Nathan does his best. He’s my love, my children’s father, my parent on duty, my home educator, my house husband, my resident photographer, my high priest, my magician, and would-be Gardner. He does everything I ask, mostly in appropriate timing and with little to no complaint. He even finally figured out how to help with income and for that I’m so very grateful. I am mostly amazingly grateful for him in my life, especially since the challenges have begun to subside.

My Atira is here. It’s not perfect and doesn’t match my dreams of many years passed, or designs exactly, but most of it has a current usable manifestation. I am grateful for seeing it come together. I am grateful to see that I do have mad skills and I am enough. I have created a world that I am mostly okay with and I am finally beginning to enjoy. One day maybe I’ll have a more accurate version in comparison to my dream scape, but for now I will enjoy the version I do have. I will continue to help others as I am able, but I now have a sense of things having shifted. I no longer owe anything to anyone. I have done my duties and met all requirements imposed upon me. I am free to be me and enjoy my life in whatever way I choose. Now I get to figure out that means. What is fun for me and how do I want that to play out. Can my spread out sprawling Atira Jr become the compact concise community of my dreams over time. That would be really nice. For now I just get to focus on the fun parts. There are so many fun things I want to do that shouldn’t be too hard.

May you see your journey and all of it’s manifestations. May you understand your place in it all. May you know all the elements of your desires are within reach and that sometimes you just need to widen your gaze. May you see those you care for as being important, regardless of how the relationship manifests. May you know that you have done all you need to do, you are whole and complete and more than enough. You are worthy in God’s eyes. May you know that you have cleared your debts and met imposed expectations. May you understand deeper meanings and reasons for everything in your experience. May you feel your way to greater understanding. May you know your own worth, strength, and knowledge. May you see how your actions benefit this world and help it to continue to function. May you find joy mostly and enjoy the ride called life.

Siva Hir Su