Tag Archives: be true

Colors

On this Christmas day I think of my family. I chose not to call any of them because I disappoint them by not being simply a “regular Christian” like them. They don’t understand how I call myself pagan, celebrate yule, and still celebrate Christmas.

Mainly it’s because I educated myself enough to know that Christianity stole a lot from earlier peoples in an effort to convert people. I also understand that Jesus came to save us by teaching us what we were already looking at and ignoring (see the withheld Gnostic Gospels). Several religions already had books and teachers, teaching how to get to our divine selves, and there have been several ascended masters sent before Christ, all to show it could be done. Yet, the masses were doing anything but. Christians, Jews and Islamics, constantly fighting wars over the same damn book and a central patch of land. Other peoples fighting other wars over similar stupid reasons. 2000 years after Christ we’re still missing the point, and so now we’re in the midst of a colossal learning lesson for all of humanity. I wish I had more hope that everyone will get it for once. It seems every couple thousand years God really hits a point where he needs us to get the message or die and start over. I don’t blame the divine for hitting that wall, we very much created this mess and expect the divine to fix it for us.

I had a conversation with a client about details of that, and I must have put a massive chink in the layers of his ingrained box, because between him and his wife I received roughly $200 in tips. I’m grateful for the cash as it was very needed, but my goal was not tips, my goal was healing for both of us, and helping him see healthier more accepting ways to view things. I must have had the desired effect, and I’m grateful that the divine supported me in conveying what he needed to hear and understand. I wish I had that ability with my own flesh and blood more often.

Regardless, I do still believe in Christ and still refuse to call myself Christian. I refuse to participate in the politics of religion. I do intend to be as authentic as possible, work on myself as much as possible, and heal myself and my universe as much as possible. I can be the change this world needs to see- with enough practice. Christ taught that God could be found “in a grain of sand or a blade of grass, in the sun in your eyes or the wind on your face”, that the divine was everywhere and that we were responsible for being divine children spreading light and love, compassion, understanding, and healing.

Yet, I still find that moment manifest in Eastern philosophical practices, far more often than practiced by any one of the desert seat religions. None are perfect, all religions have flaws, and there are exceptions to every rule, but percentages seem to imply that the eastern peoples have a bit better understanding of that responsibility and how to accomplish it.

Anyway, after a play doh based conversation over color with Katherine, my client exchange before the holiday, and feelings regarding birth family, it is stirring my creativity. Perhaps I can convey, with a little divine assistance, another message of acceptance on this Christmas evening.

Colors

In the beginning
There was an
Abundant
Array
Beautiful
Uniqueness
Everywhere
Something to
Appreciate
Regardless of
Where
Gaze
Feelings Or
Descriptions
Landed

Mistakes were made
Punishments levied
People hurt
A vicious cycle
Begun
Intent on
Even
Level
Sameness
If all are same
No one can make
Mistakes
Based on others'
Rules
Or ignorance therein
If all are same
Doing the same
Then no punishments
Need be levied

Yet once colors
Become so blended
The result
Is quite
Boring
Bland
Undesirable
Somewhere between
Mud
Or 50 shades
Of murky
All uniqueness
Lost to
An icky
Mixed up
Mess

The bright
Colors
Of individual
Spirit
Is what we
Really
Long for
Everyone
Tapped
Into their
Band of
Rainbow
Into their
Vibration
Of goodness

The mistakes
Which prevent
Connection
To one
Unique
Source
Of gifted
Inspired action
Are punishment
Enough

Difficulty
Lies in
Reaching
Maintaining
Your piece
Of vibrant
Beautiful
Rainbow

Perhaps
Helping
Each other
Reach their
Beautiful
Self
Potential
Is far more
Appropriate
Than fighting
Over rightness
Or waging war
Over
Perceived wrongs

Rainbows
Of light
Bring joy
Always
Not just
When bulbs
Are strung

See
Appreciate
The beautiful
Array
Of colors
Uniqueness
Everywhere
In everything
And everyone
And you'll
Find your
Rainbow
Of God
Here
Now
This day
Always

~Treasa Cailleach

* The picture is my children under “The Magic Tree” in Lee’s Summit. It’s 5 min from our house, and I’m grateful to be so close to a beautiful celebration of living color and holiday magic. It’s a perfect blending of all things holiday and joyful unique colorful expression.

May we all have a magic tree in our life. May you have a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Merry Kwanza, Joyful Dwali (belated), Happy Yule, Savory Solstice, Happy Ramadan and Happy New Year. May you welcome everyone and support their holidays as their way to celebrate this world, all goodness, and the divine. May you see and feel how to connect yourself with your Self. May the rainbow of uniqueness fill your world with awe and wonder always. May you be present and find the healing you seek in the now. May you enjoy holidays of all kinds knowing they help people feel a sense of belonging, love and light. May you see your way past the politics of religion and sameness. Above all may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Happy Holidays, Om Shanti

The Magic Tree; Lee’s Summit, MO

If I could do anything?

Admist everything else that has been my life of late, that question has been on my mind. Yet I need to take care of myself at every opportunity to make up for my painful lapse. So, I have thought and thought, and now I write while balanced on my foam roller.

At first blush, 2 weeks on a warm sunny beach with no one would be awesome. No questions, no comments, no concerns, no inquisitive ramblings, no need to do this, or have to be there, no role to play, no person to be for someone. Just me, sand, sun, ocean view, and tasty cold beverages.

Except then I acknowledge how seemingly impossible that would be. Either I’d have to run away and have guilt over that, or hire a babysitter and home health. Neither of which is desirable and the latter is out of my budget, I can barely afford the two middle-schoolers that watch Ian and Katherine on the rare occasion we have to resort to that. Fortunately, they are homeschool kids so even during the school year we can call on them if needed, but it is always a last resort.

So I told my friend the office manager I was sitting on that beach in my mind as often as possible, and then she made sure that I had as much time as I wanted to myself yesterday. I am grateful for that. I struck the balance between to-do-list and running away and gave myself a couple solid hours of quiet me time.

Anyway, so there’s that question. I have thought immensley on.

The short answer is: what I’m doing now, just a little less of it, a couple hours a week less should be enough, but with proper external care- so adequate trades too.

The long answer started when I thought about the offered office admin position at the clinic. I can do it, I’m not a 30 year seasoned vet, but I get the complexities and processes. Yet, I find myself holding my breath often, and I really have to focus because it isn’t second nature for me. Between dyslexia compensation mechanisms, and easily distracted, I find I have to spend most of the day making myself focus. It’s just like when I was Activities Director. It’s not a bad job and the job itself isn’t that stressful, but me doing the job is.

Then I thought about things I like and things I don’t like. It was a long list of both. Ultimately, the important likes were making pretty/adding beauty to the world and helping people. Those two give me big feel good warm fuzzies. Yet, I am beginning to see that the former is a result of the latter, and also that the way I help people can be a much wider array of ways. So in a way my current role is a good reflection of that.

I also acknowledged that there are other jobs that could accomplish the same things, but most of them would require more education, and that is out of reach at this point in time. Others, I’m not sure they would be any kind of pay raise or reduction in labor, so there’s no hurry to switch.

I also felt that I have had many people over time acknowledge my talent in a variety of ways: being called a healer, being told I’m compassionate, being told I’m gifted, and thousands of “best massage in my life”.

It’s just in me and I’m okay with that.

It’s so much there, that massage is the one thing I’m so profeccient at, that I don’t really have to think about it. My mind can be on a million things and people never notice unless I say something about it. I can carry on conversations while working my magic. I don’t have to give it one thought.

Yet I do, I still spend vast amounts of time focused on what my hands are doing, pressure, sensations, and billions of repetitions of healing phrases and and Reiki statements. I think about how beautiful some of my clients are, and how kind, caring, strong, and generous other are. I think about all their good qualities to help them reach themselves and heal.

I don’t do it because I have to.

I do it because I want to.

I want to help and make beautiful, and doing what I do, does that for them. I want to be my best self so I’m always striving for more focused, more attentive, more helpful, easier. And to do all of that I focus on what I’m doing even more.

So even though my job is easy enough for me to mentally check out, I remain as present as the client’s conversation allows, most of the time.

Things that bring enjoyment and joy are those that you can focus on fully and completely.

The more attention you give to your now moment the better it feels. And for me, massage and art, are both neck and neck for that place. Those two things have brought me the peace of the moment, more than anything else in my life. When I was in highschool music was a tied third. As an adult I have no time for music, and I’d have to start over being so rusty.  I genuinely love all 3, and currently I’m working in 2 of them successfully.

Anyway, at the long end of my contemplation, I have decided I need to back off slightly and somehow figure out good trades bi-weekly. I’m not giving up on what I love because of injuries, I just need to make certain they don’t happen again. There is a balance and I will find it in time.

For now I’d still love that vacation. I’ll leave the door open that the universe finds a way to make it happen.

May you see you role in this world and love yourself for it. May you have all of the joy inspiring focus you need and may you never have to focus on something you’d rather not. May your skills match the job perfectly and make everything easy for you. May you breathe deep always knowing that you got this, and you’re doing exactly as was intended for you. May you find your way to make the world a more beautiful place and in turn help everyone the same as a drop of water in the ocean. May you always know that you are loved and supported in all that you do, and you have that and more from the divine always.

Om Shanti

Furthermore (after publishing thought):

I am able to focus on massage and art, even when life melts down. I am able to focus on them even when I’m in pain or distress. I am able to focus on them in the midst of everything. I choose to do them because I enjoy them and they help me too. I choose to make the time for them, because they serve me well always, and bonus they help me pay my bills too. They are my gateways to my inner being no matter what else is going on in the world.

I wish that for everyone. May you all find that thing or the things that are gateways to your inner being no matter what is happening in your world. Those are your gifts. Cherish them always.

Om Shanti

Finding me AGAIN.

Today I walked for my errands and even further. I needed the fresh air, the movement, and the break fromy usual 3D experience.

About 3,000 steps in I found myself savouring the breeze which was just right in strength. I savored the temperature which also was nearly perfect for me. I savored the fact that the rain had subsided. I was really enjoying those elements and said to myself “The only way this could get better is more sun and like 50% more blue sky. I really love blue skies and sunshine. I’m definitely a sun worshipper because sunshine helps me feel ME.”

By about 5,000 steps in I found myself with this view:

I couldn’t help but try to fit what I saw into the image. In front of me was a nearly perfect cloud to blue-sky Yin-Yang. It’s a symbol I’m very familiar with having gravitated to Eastern philosophy at an early age and then learning the basics of Traditional Chinese Medicine as part of my massage education.

It is a geometric pattern that symbolizes universal balance, and how darkness converts to light at it’s darkest point, and vice versa. Yet at the same time, one is never present without the other, the darkest moments have a spot of light and the lightest moments can show a dark side too. It was awe inspiring.

I was immensely aware of what my simple request had manifested in my 3D experience, and that it had done so in record timing for me.

I proceeded to relish every moment of sunshine and utilize the amazingly good cloud day. I milked it for all I could. I stopped several times to bask in sunshine for long moments.

I was listening to MC Yogi through one earbud so that I could also hear birds chirping and have an awareness of the space around me. One song came on in the midst of a pause in sunshine: “Dancing in the Sun” (listen here).

I began walking again because of the lyrics stirring a desire to move. As I walked under a tree, the song stopped. I came out from under the tree and took several steps before realizing the song had stopped. I looked up to see the sun had also stopped, a cloud was blocking it. I laughed and put the song back on and decided to dance the sun back out. I’m pretty sure the jogger and the other lady walking in the park thought I was crazy, but after about half of the song gracing my ‘dance’ the sun decided to come back out and join me again. It was divine happiness.

I was feeling so good that I started taking pictures and looking at cloud shapes. Several times I saw a heart in the clouds and tried to catch it. … Was I successful?:

This morning’s walk was definitely a big leap towards righting my path. It felt so good, helped both my mind and my mood, and bonus I have 7603 steps by 11am.

May you have excellent creation moments. May you easily find yourself always, but especially when you need it most. May you feel balance and have an acceptance of the concepts represented by Yin-Yang. May you know everything is truly okay and the moment is now. May your now moment be filled with strong awareness, you are here and now to have the experience, enjoy as much of it as possible. Above all may you know you are loved and supported in all that you do.

Om Shanti

I deserve better.

I have been doing my best in many ways, but lately I am intent on clinging to the positives. Because of that, and my mountain of paperwork and projects, I haven’t been writing much. It seems I need to address a few things though.

First, I wrote this poem on my other site last night, and wanted to share it here for those interested.

Beyond that, I am doing my best to heal. I acknowledge that I have strong awareness of energetic components of our experience here on Earth, and lately it seems that Cvid aftermath and Energetics are making it very difficult to reach for my own healing. Regardless, I have been doing my best as usual.

To that end I have debated writing at all lately. I deserve better and I know the best way to accomplish that is to stay focused on the positives as much as humanly possible. For myself that has been many hours of focusing on my desires, goals, and preferences. Pretty much any time I’m not talking to someone or invested in paperwork, my mind stays busy focusing on things like in my poem.

However, you can’t focus on the positives, if there are things needing solved right now, then what? If something is broken you must know how to fix it, to be able to work on and focus on such solutions. At the moment that is my biggest peeve with “medicine”. Everyone is pretending the damned vaccine is our saviour and perfect and pressuring those not getting it, and I call bullshit for many reasons.

  • Vaccines have never been infallible, depending on which vaccine is referenced they can have anywhere from a 1 to 3 % risk rate which is anything from mild reactions to death.
  • This vaccine was processed in a tiny fraction of the time of normal vaccines and we really have no true idea of it’s effects yet, any more so than the disease itself.
  • I question why, but also why they are giving it away free. We have been well trained in american society that nothing is truly free, there is always a catch. If they were giving away Tesselas to everyone, you’d stop and ask why/how? If they were suddenly giving away zyrtec, or advil you’d ask why. If they were suddenly giving away any prescription, especially an expensive one like Tribenzor or a highly regulated one like Hydrocodone, you’d know something was up. So why aren’t we having that response here.
  • Additionally, this vaccine has been given a 30min reaction window. If your reactions are not reported within that 30 minutes or before you leave, then they are denying responsibility. Tell me how many drugs of any kind are held to that standard. Even simple cortisone injections have a reaction window much greater than that. And vaccines are exempt from standard lawsuits, we have vaccine court for them- good luck with that process if you do have a reaction.
  • Vaccines only truly benefit a person that has not been exposed to the disease it is used for. We’ve known that for decades, in regards to all vaccines. If you’ve already had the strain that a vaccine is made for, then having caught the disease and survived gets you as much immunity as is possible to begin with. There is no justification for vaccinating someone that has had a confirmed case of the same strain.
  • If a disease mutates both the vaccinated and previously ill individuals are equally at risk of catching the new strain. That has already been addressed repeatedly with Covid already showing new mutations. Last I checked they had suggested as many as 5 new mutations.
  • Plus, the European countries that are ceasing vaccination are doing so for very good reasons. They are noting damage from them that is as bad or worse than Covid itself. The vaccines vs catching Covid, is literally a coin toss as far as risk goes.

That’s just my bullshit detector going off over the vaccine. But I also noted “Medicine”, why?

  • There is no true 100% solution for any chronic disease.
  • Our best efforts have produced pill cocktails that keep viral levels to a minimum and address symptoms of the chronic disease. How does that actually heal anyone?
  • In fact the only diseases we truly heal are bacterial infections, and even some of those we are hitting barriers to full healing (MRSA is an excellent example).
  • 100+ years of study into viruses and the best solution we have is to keep churning out vaccine after vaccine, only protecting those that haven’t already been infected (children), and only for those which vaccines have been developed (that’s why EBV is still a major concern after 80+ years).
  • Yet all these vaccines piled on top of each other, full of toxic chemicals and low conductivity metals, is doing a host of damage to bodily organs and the human brain. In this awareness, more is not necessarily better. More toxicity only leads to other diseases. (Aluminum toxicity is strongly linked to Alzheimer’s, yet it is used in nearly every vaccine currently made.)
  • Autoimmune diseases are climbing as fast as autism, and I personally don’t care if it is the chronic diseases or the vaccines that are causing it. Either way you look at the picture it is obvious we are not solving anything, and in a matter of time millions will be dieing because their bodies ate themselves.
  • Did I mention there is still no solution to having caught a virus that caused damage to your body. Even under the assumption that you completely kicked the virus, once the damage is done you’re better off having a chat with God than your doctor.
  • Western medicine is good at removing damaged organs, doing a transplant if available/necessary. Western medicine is good at fixing broken bones. Anything else they offer is one variation or another of symptom management: pills, dialysis, bariatric oxygenation, pacemaker, etc. They rarely aim at solving the original cause. Even in cancer they treat the tumor(s) and rarely ask why was the tumor there (the one exception is if they can determine a genetic link).

So then why am I on this tangent?

I’ve come across at least 2 known and a third suspected vaccine liar. Those who are against it for similar reasons as me, but are tired of the pressure and lying about having gotten the vaccine. Lying about that shit is never going to solve the problem. If we continue to fail to address the problem as a society, then we will just keep getting more of the same. This has been proven over and over again with BLM, Me Too, racism, sexism, police brutality, LGBTQ concerns and many other issues. If you don’t stand up an call out the wrongness, then you will never see a solution manifest. You can’t solve a problem that doesn’t exist.

Additionally, I have had very upsetting information brought to my attention.

Essentially, the symptoms that Nathan, our kids, and I have had since our mystery virus (aka Cvid) infection; have presented in coworkers.

Nathan’s symptoms were enough that I sent him to the doc and eventually he received his kidney disease diagnosis.

One of the coworkers’ symptoms eventually led to an oblation of her heart, and she was my age (under 40).

Another coworker has been to the doc repeatedly and they are stumped as to what is really happening to her and have put her on BP meds and prilosec to address the only symptoms they have registered with equipment.

So what are these symptoms?

  • Swelling of the legs and/or feet, for me and coworkers it was one sided and mild like women in pregnancy experience, but does fluctuate. For Nathan both legs were really bad and constant.
  • Nausea, intense and intermittent. Makes me want to vomit.
  • Loss of appetite.
  • Intense anxiety or panic attacks. For me this has been like when I have a high thyroid swing, but last blood-work actually showed my thyroid levels being significantly low, too low for a high swing.
  • Feeling like you’re breathing fire, breath hot enough to irritate your face when wearing a mask, but not registering a fever/temperature.
  • Stomach pains, diarrhea, and other digestive upsets even when not eating things known to cause such problems.
  • Headaches and migraines when previously they were rare.
  • Dizziness/vertigo. Two of my clients, one a known long-hauler, and myself have all had significantly worse issues with this. Neck locks up, so dizzy that it affects balance and walking. This used to only happen once every few years and at the beginning of both pregnancies, but now I’m having issues with it at least one out twice a month. My 2 clients it’s become nearly constant.
  • Mental disturbances. My son will be up doing things and not remember where he is at, or what he is doing. I have moments of depression which I can’t fight off like usual. I also have what I call intrusive thoughts- I’m on one topic and suddenly my brain feels the need to interject an extreme negative not always linked to my original thoughts. Nathan has been fighting depression since before the kidney diagnosis, but it’s gotten worse with that news. He is also having what I’m calling short circuit moments, his brain literally misfires and says the wrong words or he doesn’t understand what is being said to him. (Apparently it is a symptom of kidney issues, but overlaps enough with the rest of us I thought I better include it.)
  • Fatigue, often extreme. All of us have noted moments where we have to force ourselves to keep going. When it hits while I’m working out I feel like my legs suddenly weigh a thousand pounds and I can’t catch my breath. I literally have to coax myself through my exercise to be able to finish. Nathan has had moments so intense he falls asleep almost like narcolepsy, and that’s never been a thing for him before. My kids will just say they’re really droopy or groggy but stay fairly functional, occasionally acting like it’s bedtime, but in the middle of the day.
  • Racing heart. It comes and goes. Both of my coworkers had it tested. The one that ended up having an oblation had to have a subdermal monitor implanted to catch the tachycardic moments because the external monitor wasn’t catching them. It feels like your heart is going to explode out of your chest and aches all around your breast bone. I’ve taken my blood pressure every time I feel it, but the cuff never registers any irregularity and my BP is always normal.
  • Body aches. Ever since acknowledging certain food allergies, I’ve had body aches with exposure to them. Now, I fight them nearly constantly and long work days make it nearly intolerable. The worst is always my right upper back, probably because my work also triggers that area, but for nearly two weeks it’s been burning regularly even with maintenance self-care and massage and Acupuncture. It’s really getting old, and I’ve had to resort to advil way more than I am comfortable with. I’ve also have numerous clients specify the same area of chronic severe discomfort with the adage that it never used to be as bad.

It seems to me that for those in my awareness, Covid went after every weak spot imaginable. Yet we have no solution for those that already had the disease and experienced damage as a result. Half of us never even got tested because testing wasn’t available, and by the time it was we were informed it wouldn’t be reliable even for the antibody test (which for me fell under waste of money and wasn’t done). So yeah, my bullshit detector has been ringing like crazy and I want solutions.

Pretending that fewer people had it just because you didn’t test is ludicrous. You are literally ignoring a major portion of the population. Then all the BS already mentioned about vaccines, I say something smells majorly fishy. If medicine actually cared about people living full healthy lives this shit would change. If there isn’t a major change and access to actual healing solutions soon, you are very likely going to see hospitals start filling with long-haulers experiencing organ failures like Nathan.

I supect that there are many people that are slow burn. Those that didn’t feel sick when they tested positive. For all we know Covid went straight to their weak spots and it may be something that doesn’t have very visible symptoms, or maybe their weak spots were originally healthier than other people. Either way, long term you are likely to start seeing those people complain of problems they never had before. Hopefully western medicine’s greed and desire to treat just symptoms doesn’t cause this mess to get worse and create too much for them to handle.

Those of wanting real solutions have been nagging for quite some time now, and I will have no sympathy if they suddenly don’t have enough equipment to treat everyone’s long-term effects. I’ve been asking the establishment to change for several years now, and I know I am not alone.

So what do I want? I want the solution. What does that look like?

  • Healing.
  • Access to tools that really boost both immune function and body self-repair. IV treatments already exist that do both, but they are currently not covered by insurance and so far too infrequently administered to help the population as a whole. The are inaccessible and unaffordable.
  • Affordability and accessibility to those tools and cannabis products, the like of which have healed seizures disorders. That strength and purity is still out of reach for most people even with medicinal cannabis approval quickly spreading the country and world.
  • Doctors actually joining forces to set the system straight. Standing together to right the injustices and fix the brokenness. That requires them caring about people more than dollars again. That requires the whole system caring about people more than dollars.
  • Treating people with the goal of solving the root cause, even if it is complicated to figure out the root cause.
  • Treating people as individuals that are valuable to this world (not just sheep to herd). We treat our cows for mcdonald’s burgers better than we do our own population right now.
  • Doing what is right even if it goes against instructions from upper management. If you know X treatment is safer, more effective, and more likely to help/solve said problem, don’t let them sideline it because it produces less revenue. Stand for what is right and good in this world.

If all of this is so damn impossible, then maybe the whole damn system needs to crumble. If it can’t be fixed, then none of us should trust them. If it can’t be fixed and solutions found then there is no reason to sustain or support them. There is no reason to trust anyone bent on predicating a system set on just perpetuating costly bandages. Save your money and live life as best as you can without them.

That’s a lot, and yes I’m frustrated and angry. I shouldn’t be the only one voicing these concerns. And maybe I’m not, and the great AI funded by our 1%’s is doing a great job at silencing us all. Maybe someone needs to point out to those in control that if they kill us all off, they will have their giant pile of money and an empty world that doesn’t care they are rich. All the fun in being the one on top is lost when there isn’t anyone left under you. If your herd all dies then you have no-one to control and no-one to profit from. Just saying.

May you know your life matters. May you find a way to healing even when the system is against it. May you know you are on the right path and doing your best to help God and our world. May you see your own value and in doing so enable your own healing. May you know that God loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Frigid Triggers

So I mentioned that I had been climbing out of trigger holes this week. I’m going to talk about that a little more.

One moment just after my birthday, I had a bit of jealousy sneak up on me. I quickly acknowledged that was going on and talked myself out of it. I acknowledged that jealousy is based on the belief that someone has something that you want and don’t have, but also some level of feeling neglected. I pointed out to myself that neither case was actually true. If the shoe was on the other foot, as in viewing myself from an outside perspective, I had that which was causing the jealousy, and I am far from being neglected. It simply wasn’t actually true, so that was an easy trigger to solve.

My other major trigger this week, and one that was reoccurring every single day, was simply the bitter cold and how it was affecting my life. One element of that was the whole ‘it’s the week of my birthday and the weather straight up sucked’. The other element was that it began directly affecting my daily work experience.

See, the clinic has two halves on two different heating systems. My office is in the half that has what is commonly referred to as a mini-split. Simply put, it has a unit outside, and then wall mounted units to accomodate both heating and air conditioning without the need for ductwork or other hazards of central heat/AC. They are only slightly less costly than a centralized system, but they are supposed to be more energy efficient. The biggest problem that I have noticed with the older unit governing my office, is that it no longer handles temperature extremems. It has gone down 3 times in the last two years, all during extreme temperatures- once due to heat in excess of 100°F, and twice due to temps below 15°F. This week was the second round of below 15°. The units work decent when they are only attempting to bridge a gap of 30 or 40 degrees, but once the range exceeds that, problems arise. This time it was the exterior lines froze preventing any function.

That treanslated into trying to function solely on space heaters. Generally not a huge concern, except that the 3 office rooms were wired on one 20 AMP circut. Which means that we could only power 2 space heaters on full, or if I needed table heat on, I had to turn space heaters to low. It was frustrating to say the least. So, it meant coming into a frigid space and doing my best to warm it by the time people needed to be disrobing for their massage. We blew the breaker well over a dozen times this week, just trying to get 2 of the 3 rooms to a decent temperature. Finally, the acupuncturists decided to temporarily relocate, so I was the only one attempting to get a room to normal temperatures. I still managed to blow the breaker 3 more times trying to warm the room up as quickly as possible.

It was frustrating, and at times infuriating. I kept climbing up from negativitiy, and something would set me off again. At one point the one acupuncturist asked me how I was doing, and I lost it on her, spending several minutes ranting about the whole situation.

I’m mostly (referencing generalities) still in my detached space, and because of that I keep repeating “Not my monkeys, not my circus”, but it is directly affecting me and that is why it keeps triggering a negative loop. I can’t stand weather this cold, and especially when I get bone chillingly cold myself.

In my perfect world I would be that person that takes an extended vacation when the weather turns crappy like this. I would love to have a birthday in Cancun or Hawaii, but alas it is not currently possible.

It also doesn’t help that no one seemes to care about the problem in a long-term solution sort of way. The chiropractors knew I was upset and began turning on space heaters before I arrived, but there was no motion towards a real fix. I pointed out to the acupuncturist that this was the third time I was having to deal with this situation and I have yet to make my 2 year anniversary. I explained that even though heaters don’t go down all the time, that it is a possibility with any system, and whoever wired 3 offices on one 20 AMP breaker was dense. There should always be enough power for worst case scenario. Yet, there is barely enough amperage for normal function in 3 rooms.

For instance, I am a massage therapist, and I have 4 seperate devices that draw a good amount of power. My room alone could blow the breaker if I turned everything on. I know becasue I did when one of my space heaters was taken by the acupuncturist. At that point the whole building was struggling to maintain, and the office manager and chiropractor had taken space heaters for themselves, and so one of my 2 tiny ones went to the acupuncturist. My solution was to turn on my hot stone roaster, my hot towel cabbie, and the table heater. The other space heater was already running, and the lights were on. 30 seconds later the breaker tripped. So just my basic devices which I have utilized for years, tripped the breaker becasue they were all on at the same time.

There is no way that those three offices can handle all of the devices that could potentially run at the same time. I can not run my menagerie, and then have the acupuncturist try to use diathermy, or even a laptop being used on top of my regular stuff would be too much. It simply is no good for a lot of reasons.

Ultimately, not only does the mini-split need some serious TLC to try and get it more functional, but if I had a say, I would call an electrician and figure out the cheapest solution to get those three rooms better power in a permanent way.

There also should be stored space heaters and fans for situations like this. As it is, I brought in 2 of my personal space heaters and the one accupincturist had one of her personal units. That means if we hadn’t been on the ball, the whole office would have failed due to a lack of heat providing devices. It would not be any significant financial strain to buy a fan and space heater for each room, and all of the rooms could come up with the shred of space to store them when not in use.

Alas, it is not my circus. I have no financial investment in the building or business. I am simply a contractor trying to keep clients happy, so no one gives a flying eff about my opinions. So, on top of hating the cold, being upset over a frigid birthday, and then spending an entire work week battling the cold inside of my office, the lack of my opinion mattering was just the icing on the cake.

It took every ounce of my mental fortitude to keep pulling up and finding my happy this week, and today I was so exhausted from it that I really just wanted to stay in bed and not even go to work.

Yet I did.

I showed up 40 min early, and the chiropractor had already turned on the space heaters, so it wasn’t as frigid as previous days. The sun was shining, so I got a bit more sunlight than the previous several days. I even managed to get in a decent workout between clinic and my 2nd job. I’m holding steady, and hoping that they seriously figure out a long-term solution before the peak of summer heat kills the equipment again.

Regardless, it’s not my circus and I will always do my best to stay focused on my happy place. I will keep finding better feeling thoughts, and do my best to keep pulling up, even when triggers are plentiful and repetitive. Sometimes it just takes way more effort, and I’m somewhat wondering if I will ever see a good reason to keep reaching up so diligently. Hopefully that’s just the remnants of discouragement talking.

May you have many birthdays with beautiful perfect weather. May you find that finding your happy place is easy. May it be life affirming and easy to regain your balance and feel good. May you have plenty of rest and plenty of warmth. May you see the results of your energetic and thought work. May you know that God loves and supports you in all that you do, no matter what.

Om Shanti