Tag Archives: be unique

Throuple or Quadouple?

The lyrics above, I took a screenshot of: Alan Walker’s “Faded”, has been a reoccurring song reminder of my SJ. I do often wonder if that exchange is my own personal Atlantis, and still hope it’s not.

Regardless of that reminder appearing in my day, I had originally set out to write today to discuss a new, but not really new to me, concept.

I was introduced to the word-invention: Throuple.

I got very excited because the person that explained it was a woman I’m attracted to. I was psyched that she knew of polyamory topics enough to introduce a new word to my vocabulary.

So, the word itself I’d never heard before, yet the concept is one Nathan and I have discussed many times over. Essentially, based upon my new search, it’s a variation of the family of 3 concept, started by a somewhat famous/infamous triad of two men and one woman.

Once upon a time “ménage à trois” was the French phrase that many English speaking people used to describe a man with 2 women. Literally the French phrase can mean any family of three, even 2 parents and a child. However for whatever reason it often was innuendo for a triad of adults, usually 1 man and 2 women, being intimate.

Nathan and I were labeled unicorn hunters when we intended to seek that out. After many failures, we decided to redefine our acceptable arrangements and open ourselves to more options.

Fast forward a decade and I’m sitting having a conversation with a very attractive potential mate. She proceeded to describe a Throuple as really any 3 or 4 adults, but her ideal was one or two women and two men because women are more complex than many men. We connected intensely in that conversation.

I explained to her about having been labeled unicorn hunters, and that we opened ourselves up to more options. So, even though I’d never heard the word, we had discussed for many hours over many years, our preferences and okay concessions.

I agreed with this person on most everything and a few of her points made Nathan think more deeply. My current ideal is flexible in quantity, hence creating Quadouple, even quincouple (don’t want to get it confused with the babies’ quintuple). However, I do agree with women being complex enough to need more people to meet more complex needs. Plus there is always benefit to multiples in creating flexibility. The 4 or 5 concept can be subdivided multiple ways, and in varying combinations to create a seemingly unlimited way to experience each other. {A+B+C and D+E, or A+D and B+E with C being alone, and so on.} You get the idea, lots of ways to be together or separate as each individual prefers at any given moment, and it’s not restricted to intimacy, that can even been in mundane interactions.

So yes, I was very excited to have new vocabulary for existing concepts in our experience. I haven’t been able to get that conversation out of my head, and it’s been 3 days since our Valentine’s Day date. Perhaps this is a new leaf enabling more moving forward. I’m hesitant but excited.

Bonus, the date was at a Mexican restaurant that pushed literally every allergy button while getting drunk, but I took extra allergy meds, and came through the experience in relatively good condition. I did have a fair hangover with significant inflammation, but was able to manage the effects with Advil and more allergy medicine and a good amount of detox tea. I was a bit sore in joints the following day, but managed to stay out of the hole I used to fall into.

Beyond our exciting V-Day date, I had a half day off for my family to honor me with a small pleasant birthday celebration, and spent the rest of my weekend unpacking boxes that had been in storage for years. It enabled even more beautification of our new home. It was a good few days, and I look forward to more and more enjoyable days like that.

May you all find good reminders of your hopes and connections. May you find reasons to be excited moving forward. May you find exciting validation of your goals and preferences. May you find people you are attracted to, and whom are attracted to you as well- reciprocation. May you have good dates, fun holiday cerebrating, enjoyable birthdays, and good times with family. May you feel attractive, accepted, loved, and supported. May you fall in love more than out of it. May you know God is helping and guiding you. May you feel confident in everything working out for the best. May it all always be okay.

Siva Hir Su

Pretend Memory Lane

Nathan and I went to see the movie “A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood” as our Christmas/Yule present to each other. It was my choice over Star Wars or Little Women.

Until my sinuses fully drain the pressure of them bumping up against the explosions of an action movie like Star Wars would be too much for my head. I will enjoy Star Wars much more when my sinuses are clear. Little Women just didn’t peak my interest, though since making our choice someone did say Little Women is an excellent movie as well, so perhaps another time.

Anyway, our choice movie was excellent and reminded me of many elements of my childhood. I was an avid watcher of Mr. Rogers Neighborhood when I was a kid. There were moments in my childhood, and really life as a whole, that watching this movie triggered in my memory lane.

Because of that, I decided that my children, especially my little Ian, needed to watch the show of my youth (even though I know he likes the new cartoon version). Maybe it would help to teach them how to manage emotions, since I still struggle to do so.

I found reruns on Amazon Prime and began watching them with the kids. We skipped over the black and white volume and started on volume 2 which were early color episodes. Mind you this is the most screen time I’ve had in ages.

The movie in the theatre had moments that left me in tears. The show had moments that left me simply in awe and wonder.

The second or third episode we watched, showed custom built electric cars from the 60’s. Nathan and I were both like: “Then why the hell did it take so long to actually get affordable electric cars?” With all the intelligent people in this world it is simply amazing to me that it took so many decades to get affordable, widely available, electric vehicles.

Anyway, the feeling I am struck with most is that my adult life and all my grand dreams seem to be a compilation of certain elements of my childhood. I’m partly in awe of the major delayed reaction, dreams yet to do anything but take up space in my mind, but also a feeling of wondering if there’s any hope for my children manifesting better. I was struck by a sense that maybe Mr. Fred McFeely Rogers might have also had the same feeling.

I’ve already written many times, about negatives in my current experience that are the result of watching my parents as child, and how I struggle to break patterns learned before I even began school. Yet, I have also discussed before, that many of my good qualities I owe to early learning, more absorbing, of parents behaviors.

Now, I find that after this new re-awareness of Mr Rogers, I have more elements surfacing. I couldn’t help but acknowledge that my 2 stuffies sitting on a shelf today is because of Mr Rogers. I also couldn’t help but acknowledge that my dreams of Atira hold quite a few qualities that Mr Rogers Pretend Neighborhood hold. Things as simple as: my acknowledgement that none of us are perfect, and we all get mad sometimes, are owed to Mr Rogers.

Mr Rogers has had a profound impact on my life, and the movie was helpful to me because it showed me how much the real man behind it all worked so diligently to manage his own self. It was somehow reassuring that my efforts to do the same may someday help others as well.

Yet, I am in awe how my dreams of Atira are slightly more updated versions of ideals that Mr Rogers reached for. He really wanted to make positive changes in this world, and now there are two generations of children that watched his show, all grown up and striving like mad to help pay it forward in real ways.

What was the missing element that would have helped us millions of idealistic dreamers create in reality what his Pretend Neighborhood taught us to cherish?

I don’t know if there is an answer. I do know the world is a better place because of Fred Rogers. I still have hope that I might find a way to create my Atira, if not in the highest ideal version found in my dreams, perhaps in some secondary level of approximation. I hope there are many more like me, out there striving to bring the love and acceptance of Fred Rogers into being in this world along with all his other ideals such as vegetarian diets and electric cars. Mr Rogers was a special gift to this world, may his legacy always be remembered.

https://images.app.goo.gl/6DV4WdmRAdEe7Aef8

I like you just as you are.

May you feel special, may you feel loved and accepted just as you are. May your ideals find a way to manifest in this world. May your Pretend Memory Lane lead you toward a grand life and a better world. May you see good things in your life and your experience. May you feel understood by others. May you feel supported and understand the ripple of your actions. May you be forgiving of yourself and your loved ones when they have humanly imperfect moments. May you easily find the special moments in life with those in your family and neighborhood.

Many Blessings, Siva Hir Su

Listen to: Until Heaven Stops the Rain by Wax Tailor

Why I prefer “chick flicks”.

So I was contemplating my preferences after my recent acknowledgements, and in the process came to an understanding as to why I prefer “chick flicks”.

I was literally attempting to put words to my quandary of why do men do the machismo thing more than in the past, or so it seems to me.

I had thought about how at one point men in media were shown as dashing, handsome, wholesome, and multi-talented. I thought of moments like are found in a myriad of movies, but especially I thought of scenes from Gene Kelly and Fred Astaire movies, I thought of Casa Blanca. Actors from that era were expected to be good looking, but also excellent dancers and singers, they had to be strong, and often were required to speak multiple languages.

I’m fully aware that even though that was the standard in media, our society still had the full array of everything you still find today. Yet, there was an understanding in society that those were qualities that earned respect and showed your integrity. Those were the virtues that even regular working class people strived for, that even the average Joe reached for.

I then thought about movies today. There’s a whole lot more blood and gore. There are strong men, but every time you see a strong man- a superhero, someone dies, and often many people loose their lives in such movies. Going back a bit there are those Rambo type war stories, there are zombie apocalypse movies, and straight up superheroes like spider man. In all of these movies their strength is for one goal, take down the bad guys at all costs. I would agree that usually what’s chosen to define the bad guys is clear and agreed upon by societal standards, yet each and every movie includes the loss of innocent lives.

I realised that even though I acknowledged that those are all present in our world today, I prefer not to watch it for entertainment.

I prefer to see strength demonstrated in other ways, and I suspect I’m not alone. It’s why feats of herculean strength are now demonstrated in games: Olympics, Ninja Warrior, Highland Games, and the like. The games eliminate the blood and gore while still demonstrating strength and agility. I appreciate that, it’s a much more civilized and palatable way to experience that virtue.

That then brought me around to Hallmark movies and why I love them so much. They are wholesome, the people are genuine, there is kindness and love. Yet you still are treated with complex stories that could happen to regular everyday people. It takes the complexity of this world, but focuses on happier more joyous aspects and outcomes.

Though I mostly prefer heartwarming stories like those, I will watch other movies. I still prefer movies where the people demonstrate intelligence and strength without so much blood and gore. I also greatly like fantastical movies like Harry Potter and the less gory science-fiction like Star Trek/Star Wars.

I suppose that is why I like Will Smith so much. Beyond also being polyamorous, he’s good looking, charming, charismatic, and many of his movies he’s able to accomplish great things with a minimum of blood and gore. I really truly appreciate that.

I told Nathan it’s one of the things I appreciate most about him. Even though he doesn’t look like a hallmark actor or Will Smith, he embodies many of the qualities that they do, and he’s cute to me, and that’s what counts.

So then I sat to define what I appreciate most about others, and admitted that looks are a relatively small factor. As far as looks go, I appreciate this:

Really what I’m trying to show is that I find appreciation in a wide variety of people and body types. I have discovered that only the severely unhealthy people are unattractive to me. Those people that have given up on their health, or just didn’t care to begin with. I’ve known several of those people and just can’t even contemplate a relationship with any of them. I’m sorry, but Yuck!

What is it I do appreciate about people that makes me desire them then?

Hmmm…..

  • Kindness
  • Concern
  • Thoughtfulness
  • Intelligence (As Queen Latifa would say I get lady wood there.)
  • A belief in something greater than us.
  • The ability to learn and discuss complex topics (quantum physics is one I find particularly fascinating, even if I have trouble keeping up with it).
  • The desire to keep learning.
  • Strength of physical, mental, and emotional aspects.
  • A desire to do better, striving for more, self improvement goals.
  • Loving
  • Supportive
  • Striving for equality and social justice is pretty high on my list.
  • A desire to help make the world a better place.

Yet there’s more….

  • I like a good challenge, someone that makes me think or improve myself even more.
  • I like encouragement when I’m admittedly not at my best, you don’t always have to challenge me.
  • I like knowing I’m appreciated.
  • I like knowing they notice small things about me.
  • I like when they take criticisms or input as a challenge for improving themselves as well, and likewise do my best not to stir that pot too often.
  • I like people that work well together, especially since ultimately I hope to build Atira through my chosen family. It would be in our best interests to be able to work and play together and not get sick of each other.
  • So an ability to compromise, problem solve, and find a balance in challenging situations is very exciting to me.
  • I find good communication skills quite sexy too. If you can tell me work flow concerns in one breath and follow that with coherent sentimental thoughts in your next breath, I might faint on you.
  • I love when people can make and keep priorities. For instance I know I need a certain diet, certain amounts of sleep and exercise, and certain balance between work and recreation. Most of the time I’m able to maintain that, occasionally I fail. I prefer those around me accomplish the same.

Though I feel like there are many more qualities I could define, those are usually ones that I look for evidence of first. At that point then I’m usually familiar with a person enough that it becomes about analyzing their interactions or their behaviors, and their words. I start looking for alignment between the two. That represents integrity and honesty to me. If I get to know someone and one of those starts to show gaps, it almost always becomes the undoing of the relationship. I’ve been hurt enough times that I simply loathe intentional mistruths and/or manipulations. For a long term relationship, I simply must have honesty and integrity.

And that brings me full circle back to Hallmark movies. They are chalk full of honesty and integrity and showing how if you’re not honest what damage it can do. So I’ll end with a thank you to Hallmark. Thank you for wholesome movies that show the importance of honesty, integrity, and kindness.

May you all have your defining moments of greater clarity. May you all find an abundance of honest people in your lives, and may you experience many examples of integrity. Above all may you find the love you seek.

Siva Hir Su