Tag Archives: being human

If I could do anything?

Admist everything else that has been my life of late, that question has been on my mind. Yet I need to take care of myself at every opportunity to make up for my painful lapse. So, I have thought and thought, and now I write while balanced on my foam roller.

At first blush, 2 weeks on a warm sunny beach with no one would be awesome. No questions, no comments, no concerns, no inquisitive ramblings, no need to do this, or have to be there, no role to play, no person to be for someone. Just me, sand, sun, ocean view, and tasty cold beverages.

Except then I acknowledge how seemingly impossible that would be. Either I’d have to run away and have guilt over that, or hire a babysitter and home health. Neither of which is desirable and the latter is out of my budget, I can barely afford the two middle-schoolers that watch Ian and Katherine on the rare occasion we have to resort to that. Fortunately, they are homeschool kids so even during the school year we can call on them if needed, but it is always a last resort.

So I told my friend the office manager I was sitting on that beach in my mind as often as possible, and then she made sure that I had as much time as I wanted to myself yesterday. I am grateful for that. I struck the balance between to-do-list and running away and gave myself a couple solid hours of quiet me time.

Anyway, so there’s that question. I have thought immensley on.

The short answer is: what I’m doing now, just a little less of it, a couple hours a week less should be enough, but with proper external care- so adequate trades too.

The long answer started when I thought about the offered office admin position at the clinic. I can do it, I’m not a 30 year seasoned vet, but I get the complexities and processes. Yet, I find myself holding my breath often, and I really have to focus because it isn’t second nature for me. Between dyslexia compensation mechanisms, and easily distracted, I find I have to spend most of the day making myself focus. It’s just like when I was Activities Director. It’s not a bad job and the job itself isn’t that stressful, but me doing the job is.

Then I thought about things I like and things I don’t like. It was a long list of both. Ultimately, the important likes were making pretty/adding beauty to the world and helping people. Those two give me big feel good warm fuzzies. Yet, I am beginning to see that the former is a result of the latter, and also that the way I help people can be a much wider array of ways. So in a way my current role is a good reflection of that.

I also acknowledged that there are other jobs that could accomplish the same things, but most of them would require more education, and that is out of reach at this point in time. Others, I’m not sure they would be any kind of pay raise or reduction in labor, so there’s no hurry to switch.

I also felt that I have had many people over time acknowledge my talent in a variety of ways: being called a healer, being told I’m compassionate, being told I’m gifted, and thousands of “best massage in my life”.

It’s just in me and I’m okay with that.

It’s so much there, that massage is the one thing I’m so profeccient at, that I don’t really have to think about it. My mind can be on a million things and people never notice unless I say something about it. I can carry on conversations while working my magic. I don’t have to give it one thought.

Yet I do, I still spend vast amounts of time focused on what my hands are doing, pressure, sensations, and billions of repetitions of healing phrases and and Reiki statements. I think about how beautiful some of my clients are, and how kind, caring, strong, and generous other are. I think about all their good qualities to help them reach themselves and heal.

I don’t do it because I have to.

I do it because I want to.

I want to help and make beautiful, and doing what I do, does that for them. I want to be my best self so I’m always striving for more focused, more attentive, more helpful, easier. And to do all of that I focus on what I’m doing even more.

So even though my job is easy enough for me to mentally check out, I remain as present as the client’s conversation allows, most of the time.

Things that bring enjoyment and joy are those that you can focus on fully and completely.

The more attention you give to your now moment the better it feels. And for me, massage and art, are both neck and neck for that place. Those two things have brought me the peace of the moment, more than anything else in my life. When I was in highschool music was a tied third. As an adult I have no time for music, and I’d have to start over being so rusty.  I genuinely love all 3, and currently I’m working in 2 of them successfully.

Anyway, at the long end of my contemplation, I have decided I need to back off slightly and somehow figure out good trades bi-weekly. I’m not giving up on what I love because of injuries, I just need to make certain they don’t happen again. There is a balance and I will find it in time.

For now I’d still love that vacation. I’ll leave the door open that the universe finds a way to make it happen.

May you see you role in this world and love yourself for it. May you have all of the joy inspiring focus you need and may you never have to focus on something you’d rather not. May your skills match the job perfectly and make everything easy for you. May you breathe deep always knowing that you got this, and you’re doing exactly as was intended for you. May you find your way to make the world a more beautiful place and in turn help everyone the same as a drop of water in the ocean. May you always know that you are loved and supported in all that you do, and you have that and more from the divine always.

Om Shanti

Furthermore (after publishing thought):

I am able to focus on massage and art, even when life melts down. I am able to focus on them even when I’m in pain or distress. I am able to focus on them in the midst of everything. I choose to do them because I enjoy them and they help me too. I choose to make the time for them, because they serve me well always, and bonus they help me pay my bills too. They are my gateways to my inner being no matter what else is going on in the world.

I wish that for everyone. May you all find that thing or the things that are gateways to your inner being no matter what is happening in your world. Those are your gifts. Cherish them always.

Om Shanti

Next!

A continuation of previous inquiries.

  • I wonder if men are afraid that they will be treated by women the way they as a whole gender have treated women for so long?
  • Do the men that fear retribution not see there are ways to safely return balance, and that their own actions matter?
  • And the layered wrongness of assuming a woman did sexual favors to get into any position of power…. Should we also assume that men do sexual favors for each other to get into those positions? We already know there is a fair amount of human trafficking of women for those men, but maybe they are also just giving each other head to climb ladders. Or isn’t it just vile that we have to make any of those assumptions, when did being at the top loose any meaning of knowledge, skill, fortitude, or accomplishments?
  • I was once told it is wrong to think or wish anyone dead no matter how disrespectful or disgraceful they were as a human being. It is truth because wishing death on anyone for any negative reason is harmful to oneself because you are focusing on a negative because of a negative. Those patterns only beget more of the same, but when the thoughts are internal they often trigger the same pattern internally and lead to ill health. However, should we also not see and find solutions for the fact that vile people lead our country and medical systems? Should we not acknowledge that it’s simply not okay for those people to be in power and to be causing us harm on multiple levels including gender inequality and stripping away of rights and freedoms?
  • And, are you contemplating their death from a cruel, vindictive, or good riddance standpoint; or more from a compassionate view for them or those they are affecting? The how’s and why’s of death’s contemplation is what makes it negative or not. I have prayed for the peace and soothing release that someone desperately needs through death, far more frequently than for a death of a ‘healthy’ individual. Even at that, the ‘healthy’ individual is a relative statement, because most of those individuals were causing harm and hardships for many, which one could argue is not healthy for them, but definitely not healthy for the masses, and my requests are always generated from the relief for the most standpoint.
  • My own personal goal is to not do anything I am not willing to accept as my own consequence. If I loose my mind enough to bring harm to millions of people, I honestly would hope that someone would stop me at any cost. I am perfectly fine with that consequence, but I aim to not be that person to begin with.
  • I guess what I’m getting to is: acknowleding the levels upon levels that one has to evaluate before making any firm statement. I think we all need to do that in regards to many things and many contexts. Do any of us really use that level of responsible judgement before making sweeping broad statements in a very opinionated way? And does God hold every single one of those blaz√© statements against us, or does God realize that it is yet another flaw of our humanness?
  • Does God already understand that our emotions sometimes get the better of us and we say things that we really don’t mean, just like parents with children? Does God have a way to tell what we really mean beyond human words, and solve the problem anyway? Does God ever know that we are expressing frustration over problems experienced, and see the layers of the whole picture and the whole onion of tears before reaching for a solution for us?
  • I like to believe that God really is greater and understands all of that and so much more that I’m not even able to communicate fully.
  • I like to believe God understands more than words, that God feels the emotions and the vibrations and sees the bigger alignment of all of it, and is able to see the best solution possible.
  • I like to believe that I am capable of trusting God and the divine in general, and that one day I’ll have a better understanding of why I needed so damn much patience to get through certain moments and periods of my life.
  • I like to believe that all my struggles and learning lessons along the way really did matter for a better experience, and that I will get to enjoy that experience for as long as I’d like, that I’ll really get to know what easier feels like in a prolonged way, and that it might lead to even greater ease.
  • I like to believe that the carrot is real and at some point I’ll get to enjoy the carrot cake in a wonderful way, and that the longer I wait maybe there will be even more and even better choices of cake. In a certain context, I took the best thing I’d seen the first try, and it didn’t pan out well- the dominoes didn’t fall as expected, maybe I didn’t wait long enough, or maybe that was a giant learning lesson to guide all my learning lessons. Again, only the divine knows the real answer. So I’m trusting and waiting patiently. Waiting for the feeling of knowing and certainty.
  • I am ready to be ready for improvement, and the divine will tell me how to get there one step at a time, and I can only ever accurately levie judgement upon myself, and even then after much contemplation.
  • I spend my days doing my best to be mindful, release stress, improve myself, and reach for better. On the occasion when another “gets my goat” I do my best to release it in whatever way I’m able (sometimes writing it out) and then forgive myself for falling for it, and forgive them for being the role of a trigger in my experience.
  • I wish everyone had that awareness, and we were all working that direction. I want us all to be happy and fulfilled and living easier lives: friends, family, neighbors, the whole of humanity. I genuinely want a better world in all the ways.
  • I’m doing my best to let go of my fears. It is entirely possible that I could make another choice that goes entirely opposite of my desires. I’m also afraid of hurting someone else because of my choices, as I’ve done plenty of that as well. Yet I am doing my best to maintain faith and trust in divine processes, and trust that if I listen well enough things will get better. I continue to reach for better.

May you have moments of recognition and understanding. May you find compassion for others, and forgiveness for yourself and others for any transgressions. May you have enough glimpses of the bigger picture and enough messages from the divine to know everything will be alright. May you find your patience even when you feel like you’re wearing thin. May you know for certain that one day it will all be worth it.

Om Shanti

Divided we fall.

I’ve again had one to many conversations where people pick the extreme side and everyone else is wrong.

It doesn’t matter if it’s Maga-Racist-Trumpers or extreme-liberal-vaccine-pushers. They are two opposing extremes. There’s a hell of a lot of middle ground that it seems no one is acknowledging.

The last conversation referenced stories of friends of friends, and acquaintances as being bullshit that anti-vaxers feed people. And it’s simply picking another extreme and ignoring reality.

Just because a particular fact doesn’t align with your choice doesn’t mean it’s any less true.

Sadly, I hate either extreme, but both extremes are based in experiences and both extremes have elements of truth that get twisted and convoluted to meet the needs of the extreme view.

Additionally, I’m sorry that I’m mostly middle ground on most topics, but see the reason for choice in vaccination, and I especially see the reason for choice for myself and my family.

I watched Vaxxed the documentary. I have read poor data on vaccines. When the data doesn’t stack up well, they glaze over it and bury it as deep as they can, hoping we won’t notice.

Beyond that, I currently work someplace where one of the employees had a vaccine injured daughter. My family has met that now adult mentally damaged child, who has become a ward of the state BECAUSE she did win a vaccine court case, but the payout was so low it didn’t even cover all of her medical expenses to date of settlement. She is managed by a state agent who is doing a horrible job managing her care in an adult group home, and her parents visit as often as possible.

For 3 years, I lived on property of a woman who had two of 4 grown daughters that were damaged from over vaccination, too many vaccines at once caused severe seizures with instant brain damage as a result. Sariah is 18 now and her older sister Rachael is 25. Rachael wears diapers and though she can spell backwards to find YouTube videos, she has very little verbal communication. Sariah acts roughly half her age but is technically fully functional. The 2 sisters Jessica and Ashley, whom were not over vaccinated, are fully functional and perfectly normal.

I had another co-worker several years ago when I worked at another chiropractic office, whom had a daughter in the same boat. Her daughter was named Angela and I met her too. The mom sold Arbonne on the side to make money and to help with her care. It was the only way she could afford to purchase the supplements for her daughter, because being a dealer got her massive discounts and sometimes covered the entire cost of her supplement and food product orders.  The Arbonne products had helped her to detox her daughter and provided higher allergy-free nutrition, which had helped to heal some but not all of the brain damage incurred by vaccination. When I met Angela she had just weaned off of diapers at 16.

Beyond that I am still certain that at least a portion of my battle with depression is vaccine related because of a massive increase in problems and symptoms after having to be revaccinated because of moving to a new school at the age of 12. I had been fully vaccinated less than a year prior, but in moving the old school sent records improperly and my vaccination records were lost along with everything else. The new school required new vaccines because we were unable to obtain proof of original vaccination. I can not solely blame vaccines for my own setbacks, because I have diligently spent years tracking down solutions for various problems and symptoms. Vaccines were not the sole cause for me, but they did contribute in a major way, and they didn’t save me from Epstein-Barr either.

Then pile on top of that the dozen current clients that I work face to face with. Ranging from: the vaccine failed them and they got sick again, to prolonged arm and shoulder pain, to post vaccination anxiety attacks.

Warning: run on sentence ahead…

So yes, when I layer the risks of vaccinations in general but definitely the extremes I’ve seen with my own eyes, on top of knowing Covid already impacted my family in a major way that no one seems to care to fix, on top of knowing that the vaccines don’t have spectacular results as they were intended (more flat out failure based on old standards), on top of the awareness that I’m already overwhelmed dealing with my current reality and even the low end of complications could cause more for me to deal with… you better damn well bet I’m in no rush to get vaccinations for anyone in my family.

Sadly, the reason I quit receiving vaccines two decades ago wasn’t any of that.

It was purely because every time I got a vaccine (flu, tetanus, pneumonia, it didn’t matter), I got horribly sick for at least 5 days, and for several it was over a week. I simply couldn’t convince myself to willingly get sick off a shot any more. The first several years not vaccinating I didn’t get sick at all from anything and that was the final-straw to cease vaccinating.

So, I’m liberal, but far from extreme, and though I’d love many aspects of socialized medicine, mandatory vaccines is not one of them. I firmly believe we all deserve a choice, so much so that when my teenager decided she wanted to vaccinate even after having had covid, I made two stipulations: 1- make your case with valid research, and 2- she will assume any and all consequences of receiving said vaccine, regardless if it’s a bottle of Advil for pain or anything bigger. I can not handle any more complications in my life and thus will not vaccinate, but if she is willing to take full responsibility no matter what, I will not stop her.

I’m no Maga-Trumper and hate much of what they stand for, but I know that many of their choices and beliefs are based in experiences they have had. That is how I find common ground with the ones that land on my table at work. Many of them had bad experiences in their past that lead them where they are. Some of them remember when the government used their own military personnel and military families to test many things (like early vaccines), they remember being guinea pigs the first time around, and how horribly that went. Just because I don’t agree with them and hate their methods, it doesn’t mean I can’t find understanding and be compassionate.

If we all don’t begin to stop and see someone’s perspective as valid and based in their experiences, then we will quickly degread into conflict, mutiny, chaos and mayhem.

We all must start reaching for the common ground and make compromises. We need to be more compassionate with each other and find understanding for each other’s decisions.

I would love to trust unequivocally that the vaccine is perfectly safe and helpful, but my life, my body, my brain tells me otherwise, and I simply can’t handle the results of what could be if we are not the lucky 100% safe ones. There is simply no way to guarantee that I or my family will be completely unharmed. I can not handle anything less, and I simply wish people held enough humanity to understand that.

May you have enough humanity in you to find common ground and compassion for others. May we all survive these times. May medicine find additional ways to help everyone, especially those that were negatively impacted by covid in a permanent way. May we all see that we have reached our beliefs because of our experiences, and that yes even though there is fake news in our midst, that is not the only reason someone believes something. May you have understanding for others around you. May we all feel safe again. Above all may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Out damn spot.

Like a darkness, an oily soiled evilness, ruining all it touches. Your ick spoils all, your vileness permeates everything and every one. You are the IT of “A Wrinkle In Time”. You are that which none wants, but all fight silently. You are the dis-ease we all fight, the remnants of poor choices past. Humanity, thinking beings, created you. All negative emotions, especially fear, feed you.

Your vileness is unwelcomed in my world.

Get out.

You threaten my thoughts, you threaten my emotions. You create worries and concern. You tell lies and show me death. Yet you are the lie, you are death. Your grim cloak is invisible. Your banshee screams are inaudible. Most pretend they don’t hear or see you, but the human experience is laden with you. Every turn, every moment of life, can cast your shadows.

It is our greatest biological weakness, an inability to escape your touch permanently.

How does humanity stop that which is undetectable, unmeasurable, invisible and silent?

You are worse than any disease because you are the root of disease. Humanity helped you by creating a new bigger, faster, unstoppable version; and we continue to help you by devoting our emotions to fear, only feeding you further.

I choose to ignore you as much as possible. I choose to use your lies to find my truth.

Kill everyone if you want, they will escape your touch in the afterlife. If humanity ends, then so too will the darkness that has gripped an entire planet in fear, crippling logic and stalling real solutions.

“In our darkest days lie our greatest strength.” ~ Master Jim, Troll Hunters a Netflix Original


I scolded my step-daughter this evening, after several events laden with chaos and mayhem. Nathan’s dialysis was one, a conversation about the failings of vaccines another. There were several others less notable.

My scolding was because I saw that fear was causing her to shut down and ignore the message that we were attempting to convey. She clings to the hope promised by the system, and is blinded to the emptiness of those promises. She desperately wants to believe that some pill or some shot will magically solve all her woes. She does not hear me when I tell her they don’t do that for anyone. Any one pill or any one shot, only gives you a chance at the singular thing which it is aimed. There is a myriad of things, and that is why there is a myriad of pills and shots. They are humanities’ feeble attempts at fixing what was broken ages before, and there is no one fix for all of it, except vibrational alignment, and humanity will likely never find alignment as a collective. We must do it as individuals for any chance of survival.

In the scolding, I pointed out to her, that her own mother died because that same system offered empty promises to her mother, cancer treatment failed miserably because she died after a 2 year battle where she couldn’t walk and suffered constantly. I pointed out the same system is currently failing her own father, and even when he is trying to explain something is wrong they ignore him. I pointed out that same system has hurt me repeatedly, and that my direct efforts have helped myself and her father more than anything else.

That is all 3 of her parents, whom have all been let down by the system over and over again.

But for whatever reason, all she sees is the hope laden propaganda, and she needs hope so desperately that it is all that matters.

I however, hope that same darkness referenced above, is the reason I feel like I’ve already lost her. I choose to cling to my own internal hope that she’ll grow a greater awareness and quickly. I choose to cling to my own internal knowing that she is smart enough to decifer real truth from hopeful propaganda. I choose to know that regardless of any of it, whether any of us survive this man made mess or not, that on the other side we will all find relief in a permanent way.

“Where there is a will there is a way.”

I choose to fight for Nathan and send prayers for all of us, knowing that this life might be a loosing battle, but one way or another good will overcome.

Regardless of whether we attracted this disease through poor choices and bad alignment, or actually created it in a lab as an attempt at warfare, either way we are responsible, and either way we still have yet to produce solid reliable permanent resolution for it. The vaccine was a solid attempt, but it’s stats are not holding up to standards set long ago. Continuing to put all of our resources in that basket is risking lives of generations, not just the here and now. The vaccine industry has put profits before lives, and it caused catastrophic failure, not just with covid (revisit effectiveness stats for the last several years of the flu vaccine). And I reiterate we can solve computer viruses easier than human viruses, there is no solidly effective anti-viral for any virus, and no resources are devoted to healing post infection for any disease. Our best bet is still simply to honor the miraculous nature of the human body and feed it well enough to do as it was designed.

We humans are failing ourselves, over and over and over and over and over again.

Right now the most successful survivors are those that have learned their own personal alignment- in all the ways that means. They have the least of the illness, and the least of the long-term ramifications. That is why it is my goal, that is why I devote so much of my time and resources to working on myself.

I choose to honor myself. I choose to respect myself. I choose to educate myself. I choose to arm myself with my own arsenal of awareness. I choose to acknowledge my strengths and work on building up my weaknesses. I choose to be the best me I can be and forgive myself for my lapses. I am human on the journey of life and sometimes it sucks. It’s what you do with that moving forward that counts.

Not even the biggest powers that be have stopped this disease, so I must simply do my best knowing that if I fail it’s still okay. God is the only one capable of stopping this, and it seems that either he doesn’t want to, or is still working on it.

I choose to believe that I and my family will survive and heal fully. I choose to believe that we will find our alignment enough to continue on our journey of life. I choose to believe that God is rooting for me to win, and I’m waiting for my HA moment. In the meantime I will keep reaching for my own inner being because that alone is what has given me everything that has helped me over the years. My inner being has saved me more times than measurable, my inner being has guided me to everything I’ve ever needed to know. I trust my inner being more than anything else, and I always do my best to follow that guidance.

I pray for everyone that doesn’t even know what that feels like. Those are the people that need it the most right now.


May you see the darkness for what it is. May you bring light to all the shadows and find healing for yourself and those around you. May you know that no matter what it’s all okay, even if we all did die, we’d be free of this darkness. May you know that somewhere, somehow there is something more helpful than the failure vaccines. May you know that if we all reach for alignment it will help humanity in all the ways, but especially in finding a real solution for this and all diseases. Above all may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Punch a Monk

I told Nathan that’s what I want to do. I wouldn’t really, it’s just words to express my frustrations.

I’m not some monk sitting in robes in some mountain monastery all day for the rest of my life. In fact that sounds like a really great permanent vacation at this point.

No phone, no internet, people all busy taking care of their inner world, being served minimal extra healthy meals, getting perfect amounts of sleep regulated for the group as a whole. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that picture and the human experience.

In fact it’s the ideal.

And that’s why I want to punch them.

I’m supposed to try and fit monk ideals into:

Being the provider for a single income household, mom of 3 obstinate kids, wife to a kind but struggling husband, working 6 days a week, and trying to play catch-up for everything that failed when Nathan landed in the hospital again.

I pretty much told god, it may not actually be impossible, but it’s so damn close that the level of expectations is rediculous.

I want to punch Sadhguru, and every monk that ever made it sound easy. I want to punch them and scream at them to go and do it in my life. Go ahead, let’s switch roles for a couple of months, I’ll play monk in robes in quiet solitude and you can carry out all of my roles for a month. I dare you.

I’m supposed to be able to fix it all, manage it all. There’s supposed to be resources for all of it. But despite all of my well meaning efforts, all of my mantras and meditations, the resources simply aren’t there. Most of it is my direct responsibility, and my magic wand has run out of batteries long ago.

I had to stop the service that was taking some of the load off my shoulders. We’d hit a waiting for paperwork to process wall, and were told it could be 2 to 3 months before we got any answers. Bonus, everything else that they could have helped resolve would have taken dollars I didn’t have, at least right now. The chiropractors didn’t really have it in the budget to begin with, so I acknowledged the immense help it was, and willingly cut the cord.

I really need a real live personal assistant and about 20 grand in the bank to attempt to bring a monestary feel to my doorstep. Seeing as how that’s not happening today, or likely even this week, I keep reaching for the best I can in any given moment.

So, with all of that in mind, I am going to poke fun at Sadhguru’s quotes from this week. Who knows maybe he’ll read it and get a chuckle.

Seriously though, I have fit in some hammock time even with overcast weather. I have done meditations at night, and I’m savouring my beach time by looking at the pics and videos and letting my mind be back there. The To-Do-list is moving slowly to try and keep my shit together and keep myself from stressing so much. There is less stress, but it is not gone. I’m doing my level best with the situations and elements I have to work with and around. Perhaps one day I will find my path starting to get easier, but it’s been so long I’m really clinging hard to my hope of that.

May you find the humor when life fails. May you know that ideals are lofty goals and the rest of us are just responsible for reaching as high as we possibly can. May you see the good in your life and have enough time and resources to manage everything. May you know that you are supported and that the trickle can grow. May you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do, even when it is poking fun at monks and the negatives of your life.

Om Shanti