Tag Archives: being human

If I could do anything?

Admist everything else that has been my life of late, that question has been on my mind. Yet I need to take care of myself at every opportunity to make up for my painful lapse. So, I have thought and thought, and now I write while balanced on my foam roller.

At first blush, 2 weeks on a warm sunny beach with no one would be awesome. No questions, no comments, no concerns, no inquisitive ramblings, no need to do this, or have to be there, no role to play, no person to be for someone. Just me, sand, sun, ocean view, and tasty cold beverages.

Except then I acknowledge how seemingly impossible that would be. Either I’d have to run away and have guilt over that, or hire a babysitter and home health. Neither of which is desirable and the latter is out of my budget, I can barely afford the two middle-schoolers that watch Ian and Katherine on the rare occasion we have to resort to that. Fortunately, they are homeschool kids so even during the school year we can call on them if needed, but it is always a last resort.

So I told my friend the office manager I was sitting on that beach in my mind as often as possible, and then she made sure that I had as much time as I wanted to myself yesterday. I am grateful for that. I struck the balance between to-do-list and running away and gave myself a couple solid hours of quiet me time.

Anyway, so there’s that question. I have thought immensley on.

The short answer is: what I’m doing now, just a little less of it, a couple hours a week less should be enough, but with proper external care- so adequate trades too.

The long answer started when I thought about the offered office admin position at the clinic. I can do it, I’m not a 30 year seasoned vet, but I get the complexities and processes. Yet, I find myself holding my breath often, and I really have to focus because it isn’t second nature for me. Between dyslexia compensation mechanisms, and easily distracted, I find I have to spend most of the day making myself focus. It’s just like when I was Activities Director. It’s not a bad job and the job itself isn’t that stressful, but me doing the job is.

Then I thought about things I like and things I don’t like. It was a long list of both. Ultimately, the important likes were making pretty/adding beauty to the world and helping people. Those two give me big feel good warm fuzzies. Yet, I am beginning to see that the former is a result of the latter, and also that the way I help people can be a much wider array of ways. So in a way my current role is a good reflection of that.

I also acknowledged that there are other jobs that could accomplish the same things, but most of them would require more education, and that is out of reach at this point in time. Others, I’m not sure they would be any kind of pay raise or reduction in labor, so there’s no hurry to switch.

I also felt that I have had many people over time acknowledge my talent in a variety of ways: being called a healer, being told I’m compassionate, being told I’m gifted, and thousands of “best massage in my life”.

It’s just in me and I’m okay with that.

It’s so much there, that massage is the one thing I’m so profeccient at, that I don’t really have to think about it. My mind can be on a million things and people never notice unless I say something about it. I can carry on conversations while working my magic. I don’t have to give it one thought.

Yet I do, I still spend vast amounts of time focused on what my hands are doing, pressure, sensations, and billions of repetitions of healing phrases and and Reiki statements. I think about how beautiful some of my clients are, and how kind, caring, strong, and generous other are. I think about all their good qualities to help them reach themselves and heal.

I don’t do it because I have to.

I do it because I want to.

I want to help and make beautiful, and doing what I do, does that for them. I want to be my best self so I’m always striving for more focused, more attentive, more helpful, easier. And to do all of that I focus on what I’m doing even more.

So even though my job is easy enough for me to mentally check out, I remain as present as the client’s conversation allows, most of the time.

Things that bring enjoyment and joy are those that you can focus on fully and completely.

The more attention you give to your now moment the better it feels. And for me, massage and art, are both neck and neck for that place. Those two things have brought me the peace of the moment, more than anything else in my life. When I was in highschool music was a tied third. As an adult I have no time for music, and I’d have to start over being so rusty.  I genuinely love all 3, and currently I’m working in 2 of them successfully.

Anyway, at the long end of my contemplation, I have decided I need to back off slightly and somehow figure out good trades bi-weekly. I’m not giving up on what I love because of injuries, I just need to make certain they don’t happen again. There is a balance and I will find it in time.

For now I’d still love that vacation. I’ll leave the door open that the universe finds a way to make it happen.

May you see you role in this world and love yourself for it. May you have all of the joy inspiring focus you need and may you never have to focus on something you’d rather not. May your skills match the job perfectly and make everything easy for you. May you breathe deep always knowing that you got this, and you’re doing exactly as was intended for you. May you find your way to make the world a more beautiful place and in turn help everyone the same as a drop of water in the ocean. May you always know that you are loved and supported in all that you do, and you have that and more from the divine always.

Om Shanti

Furthermore (after publishing thought):

I am able to focus on massage and art, even when life melts down. I am able to focus on them even when I’m in pain or distress. I am able to focus on them in the midst of everything. I choose to do them because I enjoy them and they help me too. I choose to make the time for them, because they serve me well always, and bonus they help me pay my bills too. They are my gateways to my inner being no matter what else is going on in the world.

I wish that for everyone. May you all find that thing or the things that are gateways to your inner being no matter what is happening in your world. Those are your gifts. Cherish them always.

Om Shanti

Next!

A continuation of previous inquiries.

  • I wonder if men are afraid that they will be treated by women the way they as a whole gender have treated women for so long?
  • Do the men that fear retribution not see there are ways to safely return balance, and that their own actions matter?
  • And the layered wrongness of assuming a woman did sexual favors to get into any position of power…. Should we also assume that men do sexual favors for each other to get into those positions? We already know there is a fair amount of human trafficking of women for those men, but maybe they are also just giving each other head to climb ladders. Or isn’t it just vile that we have to make any of those assumptions, when did being at the top loose any meaning of knowledge, skill, fortitude, or accomplishments?
  • I was once told it is wrong to think or wish anyone dead no matter how disrespectful or disgraceful they were as a human being. It is truth because wishing death on anyone for any negative reason is harmful to oneself because you are focusing on a negative because of a negative. Those patterns only beget more of the same, but when the thoughts are internal they often trigger the same pattern internally and lead to ill health. However, should we also not see and find solutions for the fact that vile people lead our country and medical systems? Should we not acknowledge that it’s simply not okay for those people to be in power and to be causing us harm on multiple levels including gender inequality and stripping away of rights and freedoms?
  • And, are you contemplating their death from a cruel, vindictive, or good riddance standpoint; or more from a compassionate view for them or those they are affecting? The how’s and why’s of death’s contemplation is what makes it negative or not. I have prayed for the peace and soothing release that someone desperately needs through death, far more frequently than for a death of a ‘healthy’ individual. Even at that, the ‘healthy’ individual is a relative statement, because most of those individuals were causing harm and hardships for many, which one could argue is not healthy for them, but definitely not healthy for the masses, and my requests are always generated from the relief for the most standpoint.
  • My own personal goal is to not do anything I am not willing to accept as my own consequence. If I loose my mind enough to bring harm to millions of people, I honestly would hope that someone would stop me at any cost. I am perfectly fine with that consequence, but I aim to not be that person to begin with.
  • I guess what I’m getting to is: acknowleding the levels upon levels that one has to evaluate before making any firm statement. I think we all need to do that in regards to many things and many contexts. Do any of us really use that level of responsible judgement before making sweeping broad statements in a very opinionated way? And does God hold every single one of those blaz√© statements against us, or does God realize that it is yet another flaw of our humanness?
  • Does God already understand that our emotions sometimes get the better of us and we say things that we really don’t mean, just like parents with children? Does God have a way to tell what we really mean beyond human words, and solve the problem anyway? Does God ever know that we are expressing frustration over problems experienced, and see the layers of the whole picture and the whole onion of tears before reaching for a solution for us?
  • I like to believe that God really is greater and understands all of that and so much more that I’m not even able to communicate fully.
  • I like to believe God understands more than words, that God feels the emotions and the vibrations and sees the bigger alignment of all of it, and is able to see the best solution possible.
  • I like to believe that I am capable of trusting God and the divine in general, and that one day I’ll have a better understanding of why I needed so damn much patience to get through certain moments and periods of my life.
  • I like to believe that all my struggles and learning lessons along the way really did matter for a better experience, and that I will get to enjoy that experience for as long as I’d like, that I’ll really get to know what easier feels like in a prolonged way, and that it might lead to even greater ease.
  • I like to believe that the carrot is real and at some point I’ll get to enjoy the carrot cake in a wonderful way, and that the longer I wait maybe there will be even more and even better choices of cake. In a certain context, I took the best thing I’d seen the first try, and it didn’t pan out well- the dominoes didn’t fall as expected, maybe I didn’t wait long enough, or maybe that was a giant learning lesson to guide all my learning lessons. Again, only the divine knows the real answer. So I’m trusting and waiting patiently. Waiting for the feeling of knowing and certainty.
  • I am ready to be ready for improvement, and the divine will tell me how to get there one step at a time, and I can only ever accurately levie judgement upon myself, and even then after much contemplation.
  • I spend my days doing my best to be mindful, release stress, improve myself, and reach for better. On the occasion when another “gets my goat” I do my best to release it in whatever way I’m able (sometimes writing it out) and then forgive myself for falling for it, and forgive them for being the role of a trigger in my experience.
  • I wish everyone had that awareness, and we were all working that direction. I want us all to be happy and fulfilled and living easier lives: friends, family, neighbors, the whole of humanity. I genuinely want a better world in all the ways.
  • I’m doing my best to let go of my fears. It is entirely possible that I could make another choice that goes entirely opposite of my desires. I’m also afraid of hurting someone else because of my choices, as I’ve done plenty of that as well. Yet I am doing my best to maintain faith and trust in divine processes, and trust that if I listen well enough things will get better. I continue to reach for better.

May you have moments of recognition and understanding. May you find compassion for others, and forgiveness for yourself and others for any transgressions. May you have enough glimpses of the bigger picture and enough messages from the divine to know everything will be alright. May you find your patience even when you feel like you’re wearing thin. May you know for certain that one day it will all be worth it.

Om Shanti

Divided we fall.

I’ve again had one to many conversations where people pick the extreme side and everyone else is wrong.

It doesn’t matter if it’s Maga-Racist-Trumpers or extreme-liberal-vaccine-pushers. They are two opposing extremes. There’s a hell of a lot of middle ground that it seems no one is acknowledging.

The last conversation referenced stories of friends of friends, and acquaintances as being bullshit that anti-vaxers feed people. And it’s simply picking another extreme and ignoring reality.

Just because a particular fact doesn’t align with your choice doesn’t mean it’s any less true.

Sadly, I hate either extreme, but both extremes are based in experiences and both extremes have elements of truth that get twisted and convoluted to meet the needs of the extreme view.

Additionally, I’m sorry that I’m mostly middle ground on most topics, but see the reason for choice in vaccination, and I especially see the reason for choice for myself and my family.

I watched Vaxxed the documentary. I have read poor data on vaccines. When the data doesn’t stack up well, they glaze over it and bury it as deep as they can, hoping we won’t notice.

Beyond that, I currently work someplace where one of the employees had a vaccine injured daughter. My family has met that now adult mentally damaged child, who has become a ward of the state BECAUSE she did win a vaccine court case, but the payout was so low it didn’t even cover all of her medical expenses to date of settlement. She is managed by a state agent who is doing a horrible job managing her care in an adult group home, and her parents visit as often as possible.

For 3 years, I lived on property of a woman who had two of 4 grown daughters that were damaged from over vaccination, too many vaccines at once caused severe seizures with instant brain damage as a result. Sariah is 18 now and her older sister Rachael is 25. Rachael wears diapers and though she can spell backwards to find YouTube videos, she has very little verbal communication. Sariah acts roughly half her age but is technically fully functional. The 2 sisters Jessica and Ashley, whom were not over vaccinated, are fully functional and perfectly normal.

I had another co-worker several years ago when I worked at another chiropractic office, whom had a daughter in the same boat. Her daughter was named Angela and I met her too. The mom sold Arbonne on the side to make money and to help with her care. It was the only way she could afford to purchase the supplements for her daughter, because being a dealer got her massive discounts and sometimes covered the entire cost of her supplement and food product orders.  The Arbonne products had helped her to detox her daughter and provided higher allergy-free nutrition, which had helped to heal some but not all of the brain damage incurred by vaccination. When I met Angela she had just weaned off of diapers at 16.

Beyond that I am still certain that at least a portion of my battle with depression is vaccine related because of a massive increase in problems and symptoms after having to be revaccinated because of moving to a new school at the age of 12. I had been fully vaccinated less than a year prior, but in moving the old school sent records improperly and my vaccination records were lost along with everything else. The new school required new vaccines because we were unable to obtain proof of original vaccination. I can not solely blame vaccines for my own setbacks, because I have diligently spent years tracking down solutions for various problems and symptoms. Vaccines were not the sole cause for me, but they did contribute in a major way, and they didn’t save me from Epstein-Barr either.

Then pile on top of that the dozen current clients that I work face to face with. Ranging from: the vaccine failed them and they got sick again, to prolonged arm and shoulder pain, to post vaccination anxiety attacks.

Warning: run on sentence ahead…

So yes, when I layer the risks of vaccinations in general but definitely the extremes I’ve seen with my own eyes, on top of knowing Covid already impacted my family in a major way that no one seems to care to fix, on top of knowing that the vaccines don’t have spectacular results as they were intended (more flat out failure based on old standards), on top of the awareness that I’m already overwhelmed dealing with my current reality and even the low end of complications could cause more for me to deal with… you better damn well bet I’m in no rush to get vaccinations for anyone in my family.

Sadly, the reason I quit receiving vaccines two decades ago wasn’t any of that.

It was purely because every time I got a vaccine (flu, tetanus, pneumonia, it didn’t matter), I got horribly sick for at least 5 days, and for several it was over a week. I simply couldn’t convince myself to willingly get sick off a shot any more. The first several years not vaccinating I didn’t get sick at all from anything and that was the final-straw to cease vaccinating.

So, I’m liberal, but far from extreme, and though I’d love many aspects of socialized medicine, mandatory vaccines is not one of them. I firmly believe we all deserve a choice, so much so that when my teenager decided she wanted to vaccinate even after having had covid, I made two stipulations: 1- make your case with valid research, and 2- she will assume any and all consequences of receiving said vaccine, regardless if it’s a bottle of Advil for pain or anything bigger. I can not handle any more complications in my life and thus will not vaccinate, but if she is willing to take full responsibility no matter what, I will not stop her.

I’m no Maga-Trumper and hate much of what they stand for, but I know that many of their choices and beliefs are based in experiences they have had. That is how I find common ground with the ones that land on my table at work. Many of them had bad experiences in their past that lead them where they are. Some of them remember when the government used their own military personnel and military families to test many things (like early vaccines), they remember being guinea pigs the first time around, and how horribly that went. Just because I don’t agree with them and hate their methods, it doesn’t mean I can’t find understanding and be compassionate.

If we all don’t begin to stop and see someone’s perspective as valid and based in their experiences, then we will quickly degread into conflict, mutiny, chaos and mayhem.

We all must start reaching for the common ground and make compromises. We need to be more compassionate with each other and find understanding for each other’s decisions.

I would love to trust unequivocally that the vaccine is perfectly safe and helpful, but my life, my body, my brain tells me otherwise, and I simply can’t handle the results of what could be if we are not the lucky 100% safe ones. There is simply no way to guarantee that I or my family will be completely unharmed. I can not handle anything less, and I simply wish people held enough humanity to understand that.

May you have enough humanity in you to find common ground and compassion for others. May we all survive these times. May medicine find additional ways to help everyone, especially those that were negatively impacted by covid in a permanent way. May we all see that we have reached our beliefs because of our experiences, and that yes even though there is fake news in our midst, that is not the only reason someone believes something. May you have understanding for others around you. May we all feel safe again. Above all may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti