Tag Archives: being true

Back Home.

I’m home and mostly caught up on sleep.

Heading out I quietly hid tears. The anti-LGBTQ brother was driving me to the airport. I couldn’t let him see my tears because I couldn’t talk about it. They were partly because I didn’t really want to go home yet, I wanted another week to myself. But too I was still sore for the revelation that I’m still not good enough for my family, that me being me is not within the range of acceptable. I really deserve to be accepted for who I am, even when some stupid institution says otherwise. God sees value in every single thing in this world, or it would not exist. God sees value in everything or it would not have been created to begin with. I am of God and I deserve to be acknowledged as such, even with being bisexual. I deserve to be loved as I am wholly and completely, because every cell, every molecule, every atom in my being is there because of God. I didn’t say any of it to my brother, I just thanked him for the visit and the ride to the airport, wished him a wonderful retirement, gave him a last hug and left.

Anyway, the return flight was as beautiful as the first, and I again took way too many pictures, even trying to catch the night ground. It’s moments like that I know I’m not really a photographer. Nathan would have known how to compensate for the speed and darkness to get great night pictures.

Also, there was a moment of note with person that sat next to me for half of the return flight. He was a quiet man, but I could feel him more than most passengers. It wasn’t uncomfortable like when I pick up on clients’ aches, but it was a bit distracting. I noted he was working on a crossword and there were words which caused me to begin to wonder. They were a little too coincidental, but I didn’t want to get caught staring trying to figure out if they were correct answers to the cues. So, I distracted myself with music and mantras. I was somewhat relived that he wasn’t right next to me for the 2nd half as I figured either I’d say something stupid or embarrass myself loosing to the distraction.

Instead, the second half, I sat by the Grandma and toddler of a family traveling together. The little girl reminded me of Katherine and made me glad I was almost home. I shared “The Forest of Piano” with the little girl hoping it might help her fall asleep, like it does my kids. She was less than impressed and stayed fidgety, ultimately cuddling in grandma’s lap to fall asleep.

So I started watching “The Boy Who Harnessed the Wind” I ended up finishing it yesterday afternoon while playing catch-up on rest. It’s a really good film, and even though it has some intense drama, it is ultimately a very inspiring film about a real life situation. It’s not the only movie I’ve seen this year, but it is the only live action, based on real events, type movie, I’ve seen in a long time. I really enjoyed it.

Anyway, now that I’m home, I’m mentally processing things I said while visiting family. I always wish I could say things better or do just the right thing, but I always feel like I fall short. I often second guess everything I say, and simply feel like I’m not good enough. Bonus add that whole ‘believing that sexuality differences are wrong’ and knowing I simply don’t fit, didn’t help.

I’ve done my best to push that one out of my mind and then I circle back to my other brother telling me he has thyroid cancer and they’re going to take his thyroid out.

I’m pissed at the system for failling me and my family, all of us. I’m pissed at the fact that I was the only one trying to help him; doctors/hospitals do bare minimum to treat symptoms, but every step along my journey I would tell him what I was doing. That is until he got mad at me and quit talking to me.¬† I’ve done my forgiving for the not taking phase, but now I’m frustrated that he’s taken a hit as a result. I have always been the little sis, and so he rarely actually acts on anything I say, but at least I was trying. I genuinely wanted my brother to know there was another option, another way, and help him the way I’ve helped myself. Nathan says it’s all okay, it’s his journey, but it makes me sad. Then I worry that I’m far too close to that diagnosis myself, uncomfortably so. I am beginning to believe that some of my shoulder pain may be my body trying to tell me my thyroid is doing worse. I so very hope not. I have some more things to try before I give up and let a doctor do their idea of diagnosis, I just don’t have any faith that they’ll do anything other than the most common possibilities, and throw in the towel if/when it doesn’t show what was expected. I’ve had far too many of those moments. But even if they really figure out the root cause, then what? Slice and dice with a life sentence of high dose medication, or kiss your butt goodbye. Those aren’t exactly appealing options, especially when I’ve done my damnedest to reach for better, health and healing.

Anyway, what was supposed to be three days of relaxation has turned into a renewed focus to find that, at least now that I’m back home. I deserve to be able to relax and heal. My giant priority list has been put on hold until I can heal enough to feel like I’m safely out of the scare zone. I need me. My family needs me. I need to find and maintain my inner light and help myself enough be able to keep being there for others.

Today I spent a long time reaching for that while I simmered a pot of Saag for 3 hours. I meditated on healing myself feeling the positive flow of electrons in my body. I felt the energy and moved it all around from head to toe. It felt really good and very helpful. I hope it can help me permanently reach for better. I deserve to heal fully. I am determined to heal myself.

May you have mostly good moments. May you trust your role and any words you use to accurately convey your thoughts. May you know you are fully and completely accepted as you are and that your efforts matter. May you feel better about yourself and your health and know that you are healing. May you look back and see how far you’ve come and see the positive results of all your efforts. May you know that God loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Put up or shut up.

I still have energetic junk plaguing my family and my home in a quite cyclical fashion. I suspect I know which partie(s) are causing it, but I’m not 100% certain.

I have however, gotten really good at shutting it down and blocking it after the fact though. What I can’t seem to block, Nathan can and does repeatedly.

Yesterday I had scream fest over it, alone in the van, on the way to work. I was blasting the source with a message of “if you’re not going to help then leave me the eff alone, I’m already doing it on my own, and you’re just making it harder.”

On one hand, good for me, makes me even stronger every single time I win. On the other hand it’s keeping me from the easy route which at this point I have more than earned, a dozen times over.

It amazes me that a couple/few individuals so insecure in themselves, can be hung up on me, allowing jealousy or whatever-stupid-reason to be fodder for regular energetic fixation in the most negative of ways.

I am getting stronger. I am getting more confident. I am able to keep my vibration higher most of the time, and even these energetic attacks only distract me briefly at this point. I am healing and growing and learning.

She-Ra was excellent inspiration, and I’m glad I revisited the show of my youth. It has only helped me with the here and now. I can’t begin to explain the number of ways I have put that inspiration to good use, and I am energetically kicking ass these days. (Which in all honesty I wasn’t doing half bad before.)

Beyond that, I’m not really the vengeful sort, but I am very aware of all of the energetic ways to ensure this non-sense ends. If push comes to shove I will invoke any means necessary to end this stupid game of theirs. I know God would both understand, and accept my request for forgiveness, to ensure my family is safe and secure.

So let this be fair warning to them. If they continue to cause problems and distractions, they will be bound energetically. That would make their lives extra difficult and possibly even emotionally painful, and I would hate to see it come to that.

God supports me and knows that it is time for the negativity to end completely, by whatever means are necessary. I count myself blessed that I understand how to do that without ever laying a finger on anyone or anything, except maybe some clay and a candle.

Of course, there are easier ways. They could¬† simply tell the truth and come clean. Or… They could completely let go of me, whatever they think of me, what they think I should do or not, their desires centered around me, etc. It’s obvious that something about me is causing another person or people grief, anger, frustration, etc., and they are looping something fierce. They really should just address their brain needing to loop onto the topic of me. With the millions of things to think about, just let go of me.

Hell, my older brother used to turn water on to drip just to drive me nuts. I learned quick how to ignore it, but in this moment maybe dripping water could help them ignore me. Or clouds in the sky, or cars on the road, or music. There is literally an infinite array of options anyone can use to distract themselves. If all else fails, there’s even mantras you can say or think repeatedly. ‘Om Shanti’ means “All that is be peace” – use the sanskrit or English version, either one will get your brain off of me and onto peace.

Of course, I recommend everyone repeat that mantra as much as possible. Regardless of language used, it definitely does help bring world peace. The more people chanting with focused mental stillness, the higher our planetary vibration becomes and the better we all get to experience. I would love to see more of that.

Anyway, the source of the negativity either needs to make good in reality with full truth, honesty and disclosure, or leave me the eff alone and let me slowly chip at making my world better with one less obstacle. If neither of those happens willingly from their end, I will shut them up energetically. I sense a binding coming on.


May you be energetically sovereign and mostly dwell in high vibrations. May your days go smoothly and have a steady flow of positive interactions both physically and energetically. May you know God supports you in all that you do. May you know you are healing and getting stronger. May you know you are learning all that you need to know. May everything bring you a sense of divine timing and God force guiding you to all you desire. May you know that God loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Keeping my word: update 2

*image sourced from Pexels library, is not Atutmn*

My visit with Autumn in the hospital was very good and very needed. She is a beautiful woman that has been hurt many times in her life, and in horrible atrocious ways. I think more than anything that is her biggest hurdle to being well.

I took her a $15 orchid from Hy-Vee (midwestern grocery chain). She cried because they were beautiful and unexpected.

She cried several times, because she explained that she honestly had a wary reaction to our offer to help, along the lines of: ‘what do they want from me’.

It took me explaining my journey with mental health caused by thyroid disease (which I now know probably has it’s root cause in a chronic viral infection) and how much I have had to go through and deal with and figure out on my own. I explained that when I begged God to help me pull up and fix everything, that I had promised to return the favor to others, and she was simply my first encounter to fit the bill.

I also explained to her that for both mine and Nathan’s hospital stays 8 and 10 years ago, there was no one that helped us navigate those times. I simply said “everyone needs someone sometimes, and Nathan and I didn’t have that someone when we needed it, so when I realized she didn’t have anyone, I was determined to be there for her”. She cried again.

We connected on similar childhood journeys and the battle with depression, including many of the symptoms that leave a person feeling crazy and like no one understands. She was amazed when to her comment of “sometimes the world seems so flat and two dimensional”, my response was “like everything looks like cardboard cutouts, like paper dolls”. I explained that I now know that is a symptom of brain swelling combined with exhaustion, your brain literally compresses your view into a more easily processed flattened image, it helps conserve energy and enables processing when the physical structure of the brain is literally under pressure. I told her my last bout of that was when the virus flared 3 weeks ago, and it made driving home very difficult. She cried again, and I cried too.

She was so relieved that someone really truly understood what she was going through. That she wasn’t alone and that there was hope. I told her I’m not perfect, I still have bad days and fall downs, but I will take my occasional fails over the constant struggle of years and years past. I reassured her it isn’t the easiest fix, and can be really hard to maintain, but is totally worth it. She wanted to live to try, and that is huge.

She has had a much harder adult life than I have and that led to some of her current woes. The infection itself started when a drug dealer abducted her and forceably shaved her with a dirty razor. That was the precipitating event that was ended with a police standoff and her being admitted to hospital care. That was one of many horrendous stories she shared with me and Nathan. My heart goes out to her, no one ever deserves to be treated like that.

Regardless, I promised her that I knew several things we could try if she made it out of the hospital. Things that would help with her depression and possibly other health concerns that have been sidelined by trauma and the MRSA infection. Even some techniques that combined with her psychiatric care might help release some of the traumas’ damage. I will not replace the pros, merely supplement.

I also told her if I had known about her job loss, I could have helped with that too, but now we’ll have to wait for her to get better. See, like me she was working with an elderly woman doing home health. Where I go and come from several people, she had one lady that she worked with all the time and that lady had passed away causing her to lose her source of income. I told her that I am connected to the elder care network in this city so well, that if I had known I could have found her work quickly. She cried more.

She was simply overwhelmed that Nathan and I are so willing to help her in what seems to her as huge ways. She said “To think I went to a cafe so many years ago to read a book to escape my father’s abuse.” I told her “I know, sometimes you never know when you meet someone as to what it will mean later”.

Please do keep sending prayers. I may have given her just enough of a nudge of encouragement for her to pull through, but only time and God will tell.


On another note, a friend of ours from college, living in Iowa, is going through a rough journey as well. He could also use prayers. He has more of a support network, but he has small children like me and as you’ll see below and equally scary prognosis as Autumn.

These are challenging times, and the virus of the news is really the least of the problems. The news still wants you to think it is the worst, but I really don’t think it is. I keep reminding people that if someone has health problems slowly taking their lives and corona polishes them off, then corona gets the sole blame. I will not be one bit surprised if at the end of the year, the heart disease, cancer, and other death stats are far lower than they typically trend. It’s how they are padding numbers to make the stats scary.

Beyond that, we are experiencing a global shift and the survivors will be the ones that take care of themselves, but also help humanity find oneness and healing.

If you get stuck in fear, anger, or divisiveness it will likely cause you much more immediate problems. The more time you spend in negative thought patterns, the more likely you will suffer and may not survive. I know this is my biggest challenge, but it really is for everyone, especially with the external input we have available at this time.

You must honor yourself and your needs as much as you are able. You must quiet the mind as much as you are able. You must look for your inner being as much as you are able. And when all else fails look for the flowers or cute kids or adorable animals to distract yourself and find moments of positivity. It is difficult, and I too struggle to do so at times, but coming together and aiming for positive solutions is the main solution for everything.

I half want to write a post expounding on why medicine is scared over this or any virus (the lack of post-contraction treatment beyond symptom relief); but I halfway don’t, because it would cause me to focus on things that piss me off and which I have no solution for personally. I want medicine to solve the problem, but acknowledge there are mechanisms far beyond my control preventing the corporate desire to want the ability to cure chronic viral infections.

I know focusing on that topic for too long would be detrimental to me. I may still work on that post a little at a time. It needs pointed out and expounded on, but if I am to do that I will have to do so in manageable ways that help maintain my own energetically-sovereign-self. We shall eventually see if I can do it or not.

May you find ways to maintain your energetically-sovereign-self and stay buoyant in these challenging times. May you take care of yourself enough to survive the shift. May you see ways to help others do the same. May we all reach for oneness and helping humanity progress for the better. May you see the value of acceptance of others and oneness, and thus enable humanity to improve and survive the shift as a collective. If you are certain it is your time to go, and none of this is possible for you, then may you have the easiest quickest gentlest transition possible. May we all know that God loves and supports all of us and wants all of humanity to grow in positive ways. May you see that God really wants us to genuinely care about those around us, regardless of blood ties or any other superficial ties. May you share the light that helps us all get through our days just a bit easier.

Siva Hir Su