Tag Archives: being true

Out damn spot.

Like a darkness, an oily soiled evilness, ruining all it touches. Your ick spoils all, your vileness permeates everything and every one. You are the IT of “A Wrinkle In Time”. You are that which none wants, but all fight silently. You are the dis-ease we all fight, the remnants of poor choices past. Humanity, thinking beings, created you. All negative emotions, especially fear, feed you.

Your vileness is unwelcomed in my world.

Get out.

You threaten my thoughts, you threaten my emotions. You create worries and concern. You tell lies and show me death. Yet you are the lie, you are death. Your grim cloak is invisible. Your banshee screams are inaudible. Most pretend they don’t hear or see you, but the human experience is laden with you. Every turn, every moment of life, can cast your shadows.

It is our greatest biological weakness, an inability to escape your touch permanently.

How does humanity stop that which is undetectable, unmeasurable, invisible and silent?

You are worse than any disease because you are the root of disease. Humanity helped you by creating a new bigger, faster, unstoppable version; and we continue to help you by devoting our emotions to fear, only feeding you further.

I choose to ignore you as much as possible. I choose to use your lies to find my truth.

Kill everyone if you want, they will escape your touch in the afterlife. If humanity ends, then so too will the darkness that has gripped an entire planet in fear, crippling logic and stalling real solutions.

“In our darkest days lie our greatest strength.” ~ Master Jim, Troll Hunters a Netflix Original


I scolded my step-daughter this evening, after several events laden with chaos and mayhem. Nathan’s dialysis was one, a conversation about the failings of vaccines another. There were several others less notable.

My scolding was because I saw that fear was causing her to shut down and ignore the message that we were attempting to convey. She clings to the hope promised by the system, and is blinded to the emptiness of those promises. She desperately wants to believe that some pill or some shot will magically solve all her woes. She does not hear me when I tell her they don’t do that for anyone. Any one pill or any one shot, only gives you a chance at the singular thing which it is aimed. There is a myriad of things, and that is why there is a myriad of pills and shots. They are humanities’ feeble attempts at fixing what was broken ages before, and there is no one fix for all of it, except vibrational alignment, and humanity will likely never find alignment as a collective. We must do it as individuals for any chance of survival.

In the scolding, I pointed out to her, that her own mother died because that same system offered empty promises to her mother, cancer treatment failed miserably because she died after a 2 year battle where she couldn’t walk and suffered constantly. I pointed out the same system is currently failing her own father, and even when he is trying to explain something is wrong they ignore him. I pointed out that same system has hurt me repeatedly, and that my direct efforts have helped myself and her father more than anything else.

That is all 3 of her parents, whom have all been let down by the system over and over again.

But for whatever reason, all she sees is the hope laden propaganda, and she needs hope so desperately that it is all that matters.

I however, hope that same darkness referenced above, is the reason I feel like I’ve already lost her. I choose to cling to my own internal hope that she’ll grow a greater awareness and quickly. I choose to cling to my own internal knowing that she is smart enough to decifer real truth from hopeful propaganda. I choose to know that regardless of any of it, whether any of us survive this man made mess or not, that on the other side we will all find relief in a permanent way.

“Where there is a will there is a way.”

I choose to fight for Nathan and send prayers for all of us, knowing that this life might be a loosing battle, but one way or another good will overcome.

Regardless of whether we attracted this disease through poor choices and bad alignment, or actually created it in a lab as an attempt at warfare, either way we are responsible, and either way we still have yet to produce solid reliable permanent resolution for it. The vaccine was a solid attempt, but it’s stats are not holding up to standards set long ago. Continuing to put all of our resources in that basket is risking lives of generations, not just the here and now. The vaccine industry has put profits before lives, and it caused catastrophic failure, not just with covid (revisit effectiveness stats for the last several years of the flu vaccine). And I reiterate we can solve computer viruses easier than human viruses, there is no solidly effective anti-viral for any virus, and no resources are devoted to healing post infection for any disease. Our best bet is still simply to honor the miraculous nature of the human body and feed it well enough to do as it was designed.

We humans are failing ourselves, over and over and over and over and over again.

Right now the most successful survivors are those that have learned their own personal alignment- in all the ways that means. They have the least of the illness, and the least of the long-term ramifications. That is why it is my goal, that is why I devote so much of my time and resources to working on myself.

I choose to honor myself. I choose to respect myself. I choose to educate myself. I choose to arm myself with my own arsenal of awareness. I choose to acknowledge my strengths and work on building up my weaknesses. I choose to be the best me I can be and forgive myself for my lapses. I am human on the journey of life and sometimes it sucks. It’s what you do with that moving forward that counts.

Not even the biggest powers that be have stopped this disease, so I must simply do my best knowing that if I fail it’s still okay. God is the only one capable of stopping this, and it seems that either he doesn’t want to, or is still working on it.

I choose to believe that I and my family will survive and heal fully. I choose to believe that we will find our alignment enough to continue on our journey of life. I choose to believe that God is rooting for me to win, and I’m waiting for my HA moment. In the meantime I will keep reaching for my own inner being because that alone is what has given me everything that has helped me over the years. My inner being has saved me more times than measurable, my inner being has guided me to everything I’ve ever needed to know. I trust my inner being more than anything else, and I always do my best to follow that guidance.

I pray for everyone that doesn’t even know what that feels like. Those are the people that need it the most right now.


May you see the darkness for what it is. May you bring light to all the shadows and find healing for yourself and those around you. May you know that no matter what it’s all okay, even if we all did die, we’d be free of this darkness. May you know that somewhere, somehow there is something more helpful than the failure vaccines. May you know that if we all reach for alignment it will help humanity in all the ways, but especially in finding a real solution for this and all diseases. Above all may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Back Home.

I’m home and mostly caught up on sleep.

Heading out I quietly hid tears. The anti-LGBTQ brother was driving me to the airport. I couldn’t let him see my tears because I couldn’t talk about it. They were partly because I didn’t really want to go home yet, I wanted another week to myself. But too I was still sore for the revelation that I’m still not good enough for my family, that me being me is not within the range of acceptable. I really deserve to be accepted for who I am, even when some stupid institution says otherwise. God sees value in every single thing in this world, or it would not exist. God sees value in everything or it would not have been created to begin with. I am of God and I deserve to be acknowledged as such, even with being bisexual. I deserve to be loved as I am wholly and completely, because every cell, every molecule, every atom in my being is there because of God. I didn’t say any of it to my brother, I just thanked him for the visit and the ride to the airport, wished him a wonderful retirement, gave him a last hug and left.

Anyway, the return flight was as beautiful as the first, and I again took way too many pictures, even trying to catch the night ground. It’s moments like that I know I’m not really a photographer. Nathan would have known how to compensate for the speed and darkness to get great night pictures.

Also, there was a moment of note with person that sat next to me for half of the return flight. He was a quiet man, but I could feel him more than most passengers. It wasn’t uncomfortable like when I pick up on clients’ aches, but it was a bit distracting. I noted he was working on a crossword and there were words which caused me to begin to wonder. They were a little too coincidental, but I didn’t want to get caught staring trying to figure out if they were correct answers to the cues. So, I distracted myself with music and mantras. I was somewhat relived that he wasn’t right next to me for the 2nd half as I figured either I’d say something stupid or embarrass myself loosing to the distraction.

Instead, the second half, I sat by the Grandma and toddler of a family traveling together. The little girl reminded me of Katherine and made me glad I was almost home. I shared “The Forest of Piano” with the little girl hoping it might help her fall asleep, like it does my kids. She was less than impressed and stayed fidgety, ultimately cuddling in grandma’s lap to fall asleep.

So I started watching “The Boy Who Harnessed the Wind” I ended up finishing it yesterday afternoon while playing catch-up on rest. It’s a really good film, and even though it has some intense drama, it is ultimately a very inspiring film about a real life situation. It’s not the only movie I’ve seen this year, but it is the only live action, based on real events, type movie, I’ve seen in a long time. I really enjoyed it.

Anyway, now that I’m home, I’m mentally processing things I said while visiting family. I always wish I could say things better or do just the right thing, but I always feel like I fall short. I often second guess everything I say, and simply feel like I’m not good enough. Bonus add that whole ‘believing that sexuality differences are wrong’ and knowing I simply don’t fit, didn’t help.

I’ve done my best to push that one out of my mind and then I circle back to my other brother telling me he has thyroid cancer and they’re going to take his thyroid out.

I’m pissed at the system for failling me and my family, all of us. I’m pissed at the fact that I was the only one trying to help him; doctors/hospitals do bare minimum to treat symptoms, but every step along my journey I would tell him what I was doing. That is until he got mad at me and quit talking to me.¬† I’ve done my forgiving for the not taking phase, but now I’m frustrated that he’s taken a hit as a result. I have always been the little sis, and so he rarely actually acts on anything I say, but at least I was trying. I genuinely wanted my brother to know there was another option, another way, and help him the way I’ve helped myself. Nathan says it’s all okay, it’s his journey, but it makes me sad. Then I worry that I’m far too close to that diagnosis myself, uncomfortably so. I am beginning to believe that some of my shoulder pain may be my body trying to tell me my thyroid is doing worse. I so very hope not. I have some more things to try before I give up and let a doctor do their idea of diagnosis, I just don’t have any faith that they’ll do anything other than the most common possibilities, and throw in the towel if/when it doesn’t show what was expected. I’ve had far too many of those moments. But even if they really figure out the root cause, then what? Slice and dice with a life sentence of high dose medication, or kiss your butt goodbye. Those aren’t exactly appealing options, especially when I’ve done my damnedest to reach for better, health and healing.

Anyway, what was supposed to be three days of relaxation has turned into a renewed focus to find that, at least now that I’m back home. I deserve to be able to relax and heal. My giant priority list has been put on hold until I can heal enough to feel like I’m safely out of the scare zone. I need me. My family needs me. I need to find and maintain my inner light and help myself enough be able to keep being there for others.

Today I spent a long time reaching for that while I simmered a pot of Saag for 3 hours. I meditated on healing myself feeling the positive flow of electrons in my body. I felt the energy and moved it all around from head to toe. It felt really good and very helpful. I hope it can help me permanently reach for better. I deserve to heal fully. I am determined to heal myself.

May you have mostly good moments. May you trust your role and any words you use to accurately convey your thoughts. May you know you are fully and completely accepted as you are and that your efforts matter. May you feel better about yourself and your health and know that you are healing. May you look back and see how far you’ve come and see the positive results of all your efforts. May you know that God loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Put up or shut up.

I still have energetic junk plaguing my family and my home in a quite cyclical fashion. I suspect I know which partie(s) are causing it, but I’m not 100% certain.

I have however, gotten really good at shutting it down and blocking it after the fact though. What I can’t seem to block, Nathan can and does repeatedly.

Yesterday I had scream fest over it, alone in the van, on the way to work. I was blasting the source with a message of “if you’re not going to help then leave me the eff alone, I’m already doing it on my own, and you’re just making it harder.”

On one hand, good for me, makes me even stronger every single time I win. On the other hand it’s keeping me from the easy route which at this point I have more than earned, a dozen times over.

It amazes me that a couple/few individuals so insecure in themselves, can be hung up on me, allowing jealousy or whatever-stupid-reason to be fodder for regular energetic fixation in the most negative of ways.

I am getting stronger. I am getting more confident. I am able to keep my vibration higher most of the time, and even these energetic attacks only distract me briefly at this point. I am healing and growing and learning.

She-Ra was excellent inspiration, and I’m glad I revisited the show of my youth. It has only helped me with the here and now. I can’t begin to explain the number of ways I have put that inspiration to good use, and I am energetically kicking ass these days. (Which in all honesty I wasn’t doing half bad before.)

Beyond that, I’m not really the vengeful sort, but I am very aware of all of the energetic ways to ensure this non-sense ends. If push comes to shove I will invoke any means necessary to end this stupid game of theirs. I know God would both understand, and accept my request for forgiveness, to ensure my family is safe and secure.

So let this be fair warning to them. If they continue to cause problems and distractions, they will be bound energetically. That would make their lives extra difficult and possibly even emotionally painful, and I would hate to see it come to that.

God supports me and knows that it is time for the negativity to end completely, by whatever means are necessary. I count myself blessed that I understand how to do that without ever laying a finger on anyone or anything, except maybe some clay and a candle.

Of course, there are easier ways. They could¬† simply tell the truth and come clean. Or… They could completely let go of me, whatever they think of me, what they think I should do or not, their desires centered around me, etc. It’s obvious that something about me is causing another person or people grief, anger, frustration, etc., and they are looping something fierce. They really should just address their brain needing to loop onto the topic of me. With the millions of things to think about, just let go of me.

Hell, my older brother used to turn water on to drip just to drive me nuts. I learned quick how to ignore it, but in this moment maybe dripping water could help them ignore me. Or clouds in the sky, or cars on the road, or music. There is literally an infinite array of options anyone can use to distract themselves. If all else fails, there’s even mantras you can say or think repeatedly. ‘Om Shanti’ means “All that is be peace” – use the sanskrit or English version, either one will get your brain off of me and onto peace.

Of course, I recommend everyone repeat that mantra as much as possible. Regardless of language used, it definitely does help bring world peace. The more people chanting with focused mental stillness, the higher our planetary vibration becomes and the better we all get to experience. I would love to see more of that.

Anyway, the source of the negativity either needs to make good in reality with full truth, honesty and disclosure, or leave me the eff alone and let me slowly chip at making my world better with one less obstacle. If neither of those happens willingly from their end, I will shut them up energetically. I sense a binding coming on.


May you be energetically sovereign and mostly dwell in high vibrations. May your days go smoothly and have a steady flow of positive interactions both physically and energetically. May you know God supports you in all that you do. May you know you are healing and getting stronger. May you know you are learning all that you need to know. May everything bring you a sense of divine timing and God force guiding you to all you desire. May you know that God loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti