Tag Archives: belief

Clarity with shorter refractory periods.

First, thank you Lord Siva, it seemes you keep saving my arse over and over again. The Diwali Temple Meditation time helped more than I knew in that awkward-outsider moment. I’m still not sure why I am called to experience the divine through this path, but I’m grateful that you still speak to me.

Nathan was right, despite all eyes being on me/us, in my heart, you welcomed us both fully in that moment. Thank you God and I’m sorry I felt so awkward.

“MC YOGI – SHIVA (Supreme Soul) – (Official Stream)” on YouTube is my uplifting moment of celebration for you today.

Listen here: https://youtu.be/FXD52U6g76M

Also thank you God:

My climb up from exhausted and allergy reaction has become much shorter. Between knowing the precise set of actions to take to unbury from the physical response, and taking moments of calming and centering meditation, my climb has gone from taking weeks (sometimes months) a few years ago, to mere hours now. For that knowing I’m utterly grateful.

I’m also really truly starting to understand the practical application of Abraham’s teachings on the emotionality of the law of attraction.

For instance yesterday I wrote:

After trying to apologise to one person and having that leave me feeling like a stupid naive fool living in a double standard, I’m feeling like words are not helping- hence all the emoji’s.

What I’ve been able to apply here is that I felt so damn crappy because I was so far off the mark of my inner truth.

  • I’m intelligent, smart, and give most everything plenty of forethought.
  • I’m far from naive, in fact I am usually the first to contemplate anything in my past or awareness, as a means to discern how a current situation (person, place, or thing) applies to my now. I.E.: Am I about to let myself get hurt again or be taken advantage of, or is this genuine and divinely guided, sometimes even a mix of the two?
  • I’m also very informed on a wide array of topics, many of which I never speak about in public due to their taboo nature. I don’t even write about them in any sort of public way. They are just an element of my awareness.
  • I’m anything but a fool. I may have moments where I allow events to unfold hoping that those around me will find their inner being and grow to do the right things, but I’m usually very aware of flaws, faults, and the potential worst case scenario. If I perceive that I’m likely to get hurt, I usually try to brace for impact or back out slowly and cautiously. That hasn’t always worked well, but at least I saw it coming (looking at you, September 2018).
  • What I perceived as a double standard is my own doing. I called someone out for actions that pushed my boundaries, and then got sloppy in considering theirs. That’s not a double standard, just a careless mistake, which I did apologise for. My embarrassment only caused me to fail to see that initially.

With all that being said, I’ve revisited my desires, my preferences. I’ve examined myself, and with the exception of desiring to be lighter by a few pounds of fat, I happen to like or love most everything about myself. That’s my inner being’s view. That helped me climb out.

I also took a few minutes to pretend, just like when I was a kid. I used Oracle cards, since I have plenty, they were easily accessible. I placed all my cards and then walked Nathan through the traits they represented to me. What my particular arrangement meant in that moment of my pretending. That was very helpful to refocus on my higher being’s desires and where I aim to head.

Through all of these moments I heard God. I heard the nudges of confirmation, the nudges of lighten up, and the push to go easier on myself. I also ended up stumbling through a series of messages that added up to an awareness that I need to step back and allow for others to work on themselves. As much work as I have done, things I have learned, and adjustments I have made; I have to acknowledge that if people really truly care about me, they will do their best to work through their own moments in an attempt to keep up with my alignment with the divine. Otherwise in time, those new people I find, which are on my level will replace the former people. My life will move on regardless, and I need to quit worrying about anyone else’s progress- anyone: family, friends, even love interests. I know I’m worth the journey and though I very much would like for certain people to stay in my experience, it is not mine to force. I can’t make them keep up, they have to want to, they have to want to find their own healing, only that will keep us in proximity.

For that awareness, I thank God. Yet, I ask God to remind me of that as gently as possible and as often as needed. I will likely forget and try to push those I am most attached to, and that will only cause resistance with all involved. I deserve better than that, so I’ll need the gentle reminders to keep from pushing too hard.

May you all have speedy healing and be able to pull up quickly. May you have understanding of the messages the divine is trying to send you. May your loved ones of any aspect stay in vibrational proximity on your journey together. May you relax and release resistance, to especially find understanding and love of self.

Siva Hir Su

Learning to fly again.

This week has carried a heavy weight. One I’ve born alone as usual. Moving on from anything can be hard, but when there’s a strong energetic connection it’s even harder.

I counseled with an old acquaintance, had her reach for a less biased intuitive approach. In the end my desire to move on was relevant and she suggested some things to do to help. I was very appreciative of her input and validation of things I had felt and known. It did help some with a better understanding of why certain elements played out as they did, and was the nudge I needed to align with my physicality of moving on.

A short while later, I broke down while working on one of my elderly clients and through silent tears mentally begged Archangel Michael to help do for me what I do for others everyday: please take the pain away. It was after dinner and there was no sun, but the song “Sun Light” was stuck in my head, and I instinctively looked up to the ceiling for the closest light I could find. That made the tears pour down heavily, and I did feel significant relief. I did my best to remain quiet so my lady wouldn’t know I was crying while massaging her back. Several times that evening I had very similar repeats, ending with Nathan cutting cords on me utilizing some of the tips the acquaintance had given.

Today I’m sad, but functional and feeling significantly lighter. Most of the weight has lifted and I’m feeling like moving on is less daunting.

I told Nathan I want to, knowing it’s not going anywhere, but I had loved the idea of it/them, the interaction and energy of it all, so much that it hurts to let go and move on. Plus I can’t negate the connection I formed with the person and the very real emotions that connection carried regularly. I feel like I’m breaking my own heart. I said the law of attraction says you’re supposed to believe it and hold onto the belief, but it’s just not going to happen, so now I feel like I don’t know what to believe. Both Nathan and the acquaintance told me that it’s no reason to quit trusting my intuition, but that is where my distrust is the strongest right now. In time maybe I’ll trust myself again, just not today.

I feel like I also am holding distrust toward others as well, and I’m doing my best to let go of that. New people aren’t necessarily going to hurt me, logically I know that, but emotionally I’m so afraid of being hurt I’m holding others away. There is definitely a healing process when things don’t go as hoped or expected, and right now I’m smack dab in the middle of it.

Then the universe sent me a message. A wounded butterfly.

As I picked up the butterfly, the song “Broken Wings” played in my head. The poor monarch had one wing that wasn’t working, and it’s so cold now that if I had left it on the sidewalk it would have died by morning. I let it climb me and as I went into Whole Foods I saw the mum display and gave it a warm new home. That was its best chance of survival, but regardless it could lay eggs and start the life cycle over.

I’m like that butterfly, and the song. I need to give myself my best chance at a fresh start. I need to take my broken wings and learn to fly again. That means I must do my best to regain buoyancy and look forward. I must find a way to trust myself and others again, and I must stay disconnected from what was at all costs.

I must reach for better and learn to love and live again.

May you have healing moments, especially for your heart. May the angels take your pain and grief. May you trust yourself and others, and learn to live on. May you feel God’s grace and God’s healing. Finally, may you find love, and may you learn to fly again.

Siva Hir Su

Watering continues.

The last couple of days I’ve been mostly well. There have been moments of confusion and moments of distress, but mostly I’ve stayed focused on what I want and generally buoyant. I really kicked butt yesterday doing 4 appointments consisting of 2.25 hours of continuous deep tissue. I approved the back-to-back stretch to accommodate helping the acupuncturist’s wife, whose neck had locked up- something I’m very familiar with.

Today is a day off, with the exception of one easy make-up home-visit appointment early this morning. Somehow, though the overcast weather and cooler temperatures have me hibernating.

I’m feeling my divine masculine today, fairly intensely. It has brought up lots of thoughts and feelings.

Somehow my thoughts keep cycling back to a man from my past, back when Anya was a baby: Rajesh. I keep remembering a point when I was at my worst, it’s been coming up frequently the last few weeks but today it’s really nagging at me.

Things had been happening involving him, his wife (my then best friend from high school), Nathan, and I. The specific memory is of when I lost control of myself and fell deep into depression and despair. Rajesh had found me crying and rocking myself in the upstairs closet. I was struggling so hard, fighting to regain control of my brain that I couldn’t even speak, and I remember him asking me something. I remember him standing there watching me and I remember wanting him to just hold me. To hug me and comfort me. After a moment, I can’t even define in time measurements, he said something and left. Moments later Nathan came in and held me.

Rajesh never did speak to me about that moment. I assumed he was either afraid to, or didn’t want to upset me. Yet to this day when the memory comes up I get embarrassed for not having been able to speak, and I still think about how much I just wanted him to show he cared by holding me. I really wanted to feel love in that moment and I respected him so much that I wished he had just loved me. Maybe he did and didn’t know how to show it, or simply how to respond in that moment.

I have no idea why this memory keeps resurfacing, and that’s ultimately why I wrote about it. I thought maybe writing it out would bring clarity. Yet I know that the state I was in means that the memory is incomplete. There are details my brain was unable to retain, which acknowledging that brings more confusion. Why now, nearly 13 years later, can I not shake it, and why does it flare my sense of my divine masculine.

I know that I am now in a much different mental space, mostly having defeated depression, and without a trace of medication. Thanks to Dr. Illardi’s “Depression Cure”. For that I’m utterly grateful. I owe that alignment to God, for I begged for help, and the people and resources to connect me with the therapist wielding that book resulted. It was divine grace that took over and helped me find my necessary set of tools to defeat depression in my life. The closet incident was one of my lowest points and now I’m able to maintain a much higher level of functioning even when something breaks my stride.

Maybe the memory is just acknowledging that massive improvement and reminding me of my gratitude for God and my solution. Yet it feels like more than that. My whole upper body is on fire with just that memory. That I don’t understand.

Regardless of my confusion, I do wish to acknowledge my decade of improvement. So that’s where I’ll water my dreams of Atira today.

  • I have supported my family, on my own, for a decade without keeping “a day job”. I’ve been successfully self-employed for nearly a decade.
  • During that same decade, I birthed 2 healthy children at home with minimal allopathic medical services.
  • During that same decade I took myself from nearly losing my life to depression, to being as mentally and emotionally stable as is considered normal.
  • I have started to slowly chip away at correcting financial damage done when Nathan got sick.
  • I’m nearly to a point where I will be able to buy us a home again and escape the decade of renting and being at the mercy of less than desirable landlords.
  • I have taken every opportunity possible to expand my knowledge and increase my skill sets.
  • I have maintained board certification and licensure over 12 years, despite having to move many times over.
  • I’m good at what I do because I care and I allow God to assist me. My hands do God’s work every day.
  • Though it seems I’m still very far from my big dream of Atira, I have made real progress. I have taken action steps and accomplished small goals to keep on my path to that big dream.
  • I give love at every opportunity, despite the fact that I’ve loved and lost, that I’ve loved and been hurt by several of those I gave my heart to. I do my best to find unconditional love, sometimes I accomplish that better than others, but I always aim for that.
  • I’m closer than I’ve ever been to being able to build and maintain Atira, one piece at a time.
  • I am strong and have amazing endurance.

May you all find moments of understanding and clarity. May you all experience growth and make progress towards even your biggest of dreams. May you all find unconditional love in your life.

Be well.

Siva Hir Su.

My Polyamory

I have intentionally not written much on this topic because about a year ago I went and posted a bunch of links and good info from other sites. There are so many aspects to look at and perspectives to consider that it is all just too much for me to even attempt.

However, Nathan suggested that I write at least once on my experiences and opinions on the matter. So, I’m taking his advice.

First and foremost Polyamory is many loves, a plural relationship based in a foundation of love.

From the view of a successful balanced poly family, I’ve not had much luck, at least in maintaining such a plural commitment. However, I have had lots of fine tuning and reevaluating, which Abraham says is always a good thing. I’m going to agree.

Nathan and I used to be, what gets labeled “Unicorn Hunters” by more forceful poly opinions. We were ‘significant-others’ seeking a single bisexual female to balance my bisexuality. After several failed attempts to find our good fit, we relaxed into accepting that our perfect woman might come attached to another person. It might also happen that we find several people to meet both mine and Nathan’s needs and desires.

Our hesitation with accepting the concept of multiples, initially was brought on mainly by fearful thoughts of: how do you get multiple adults on the same page and keep them in agreement and in cooperation. Especially regarding children in the family, rules of behavior, setting expectations, and even logistics of cleaning and cooking. However, at this point in our marriage we have come to the conclusion that those are challenges any relationship faces regardless if there are 2 or 12 people. We also now have lots of experience dealing with each other and multiple attempts at significant-other additions. We’ve also come to conclusions that some things are easier if approached like companies handle staffing: creating schedules and assignments of tasks, which can always be adjusted and changed as needed.

So at this point we’re much more open to alternate options and arrangements for our family structure, and have a better grasp of the interpersonal needs that entails. Our main goal now is that a variety of needs and desires are met, and that all adults act like adults and remain considerate of the family as a whole when making significant decisions. If those decisions are likely to impact the family in a huge way (move, replace belongings, or decisions regarding educational or medical concerns) then the family should be consulted with a proposal before final decisions are made.

Informed consent is a mainstay of poly whether it’s in regards to sex, reproduction, or any familial life event. Furthermore, informed consent requires a certain level of communication skills. You may have a great idea, but if you can’t make your case well to those involved it’s likely to fall flat.

So those elements have become our biggest priorities.

Beyond that, previous relationships ended due to factors involving but not limited to: personality clashes, instability due to processing previous traumas, and a lack of commitment by one or multiple parties. So we have simplified our request to the Divine that: future partners have their own stuff figured out at least well enough to cause only more minor bumps, previous severe traumas have been healed likewise, and that all parties be willing to commit enough to work through remaining glitches. All relationships have bumps, bruises, and fights, but it’s the severity and willingness to work through them that enable the relationship to last. Everyone coming together to learn and grow and heal, leads to happy long lasting family.

Acceptance of our humanness, and unconditional love allows for infinite growth. To me that means that I might get mad or frustrated with someone, but as long as I can refocus and remember we’re all human and that I do love them, then I can work through the upset to find a solution. That is the place of understanding that I aim for everyone in my family to hold.

There are also factors like honesty, openness, truthfulness, cooperative attitudes, and open mindedness which would be very important.

Finally, I wish to add compromise. A mainstay of finding solutions is learning how to compromise. There is almost always an answer that everyone can live with. It may not be perfect in everyone’s opinion, but gets the job done. Finding those compromises is paramount to maintaining family cohesion, and adults wishing to be in my family need to demonstrate an ability to compromise.

In conclusion, my ideal of Polyamory has evolved over the last 15 years to be less about the fine details and more about overarching qualities that I wish for people to exhibit.

Not to be too cliche, but can’t we all just get along, and all you need is love, would be the more concise mentality.

May you all find your family based in love and acceptance, but which committedly works through compromise to ensure everyone just gets along.

With love, be well. Siva Hir Su.

You found me Avis?

“You Found Me” by The Fray

That song played as my evening calmly wrapped up in the ever present clarity of hindsight.

This evening was an exercise in trust and understanding.

I ended work on time to pick up the rental van. We were nearly through processing the paperwork to finalize the rental and payment when we were notified that the van could not travel through the state of New York. We were not notified of that when we set the reservation 2 weeks ago.

Unable to secure that, we made phone calls in route to the airport, as all the rental agencies there were open extended hours.

Hertz had vans and they were able to go through New York, but would have over doubled our cost.

Enterprise had exactly one van left, and it could travel anywhere, but was several hundred more than our original reservation. I was willing to suck it up and eat the cost, but they needed one credit card that could handle the reservation plus a large deposit. I explained I had quadruple the reserves they were asking, but no one card of mine could take such a sizable payment. They simply couldn’t handle that, and I was unable to secure a temporary approval for the one transaction. So I walked away frustrated repeating OM in my head to attempt to real myself back in emotionally.

Then I called my dad in frustration to ask if he still had his second vehicle. He explained he did but it needed transmission work and was not safe for distance travel. I asked his opinion on the matter and he said he always relied on National rentals. I thanked him for his input and said I’d let him know how things went later.

I walked over and National had none left.

Finally I sat staring at the Avis rental counter. I decided I had nothing to lose and the possibility of actually starting our trip on time.

I walked up with Nathan by my side. We explained our evening just as I did here, and the service rep, said let me see what I can do for you. After some tapping on the computer he pulled up a minivan and quoted a price only $300 over what our original reservation was for. He processed it through 2 cards with no problem, and explained the rental only covered liability insurance, we would need to arrange with our insurance for coverage for damages. I said no problem and thanked him profusely for his excellent service and solution. I told him I thought he was my new best friend.

I felt so much relief.

At that point we were only down 4 hours from our original pick-up. We stopped to get our very belated dinner and food for children. That was when the song by The Fray started playing.

It suddenly hit me. Avis backwards is Siva… As in the ‘Siva Hir Su’ I now use to flow energy. My guides gave me that one after reacquainting myself with Shiva mantras. Roughly translated it means the quintessence of all that is here is good. I knew I had been seeing messages and signs, but didn’t understand them. Was someone telling me I had things backwards? After all the song is about meeting God a little too late.

I had had enough sense to use OM to calm myself enough to trust that somehow I’d figure out a solution. And I did.

With hindsight I think I’m seeing the chain of events as confirmation that one must have trust and belief first, and then you can see God’s solution.

In my moment of OM I simply knew I couldn’t give up, I had to make this trip happen. And after a few moments I sat looking around and realized the only real option left was Avis, all the others had been tried or were already known as being too expensive from when we set our original reservation. I had to try simply because I knew the trip had to happen, and at the same time I knew I’d had messages even if I didn’t comprehend them. God wouldn’t try to send messages if he wasn’t trying to help. So Avis was a small leap of faith that even if I was being too dense to get the messages, they must still mean I’m supported enough that my last option would be the possible one.

And it was.

I spent the rest of my evening giving thanks for everything, especially that the trip would still happen. I would still get to see my mom, Nathan’s parents, and my brother and his family. I would still get my 12 days of reprieve from life. I had a few crunch time stress outbursts, but otherwise we got packed up with just a little bit less sleep for the journey. All was well.

May you all have your moments of clarity that help you to see what you were missing. Moments that enable you to know for certain that the Divine is doing it’s best to help and support you. Moments that make everything all right and provide that immense relief.

As above, So below, Siva Hir Su.

Processing…

Like Windows 3.1

First, because I can:

MC Yogi’s “Be The Change” The song is available on most streaming services, and I bought it through GooglePlay Music for .99. I highly recommend it.

Secondly:

Mumford and Sons with Baaba Maal “There Will Be Time” and “Si Tu Veux”

These are also available through most streaming services especially for purchase via GooglePlay Music.

I start with these songs, because this week in particular they are resonating with me very, very strongly. They always have, as least as long as I have known of them, but it seems that it has intensified this week. As have many things.

Last week my attention was brought to a book I am familiar with from my childhood. “A Wrinkle in Time” by Madeleine L. Engle. First I heard discussion of it among others in talking about the movie being on Netflix. Then I had mentioned it to my teenager, as an if you haven’t already you should read it. Then one of my elderly clients was rambling and interjected it without any clarification. It stuck out as though it didn’t pertain to anything else she was saying. As soon as I acknowledged that it had to be a message, my husband texted that he had seen a flyer for a local theatre group doing it as a play.

My response: FINE! I’ll re-read the book.

I did, and it took me about 6 hours over 4 days.

I was assaulted over and over with how many things in my existence seem to be from that book. I am always searching for my “Happy Medium”. I feel like the main character Meg quite often. I have many moments in my life where strange things occur that I should be saying “that’s weird” but seem to feel like it’s normal for me. I often find myself wishing for someone or something like Meg’s mother stating “Just because we don’t understand it with our human minds doesn’t mean there isn’t an explanation.”

Even things like numbers that appeared in the book repeating in my daily life, and the one character speaking in other’s languages seems to have carried into my understanding of my languages.

Above and beyond it all, is my search, my quest to destroy IT.

IT has manifested as depression and anger/rage in my life. I know I need to kill IT with LOVE, but it seems like that is a far more repetitive process than the book implied. One that I find myself still questing after to this day, albeit less intensely than when that journey started.

I read the book when I was very young. Much younger than the audience it is intended for. I think I was about 8 or 9 when I read it, and it was one of many books, having also plowed through the entire CS Lewis “Lion, Witch, and Wardrobe” series. Yet this book seems to have stuck on a very deep level. It was so intense re-reading the book so many years later, that at several points I found myself stopping to wipe tears away.

There were a few moments while reading that I could literally hear someone commenting on what I was reading that it meant more for me than the words on the page. I literally heard that this was my key, that what I needed was in that book. That it meant mountains to me, and that I had very special gifts. There was a reason I am good at multiple things including math, science, and language and have an innate ability to provide healing to others. My unique set of talents were very important to the universe. I just need to figure out how.

The line I am still repeating to myself: “Everyone has talents, it is how you use them that matters.”

Now I am processing. And Processing. And Processing.

Very slowly.

Fortunately in a couple of days I’ll have plenty of time for processing.

So far at the moment, I feel the link between that and other positive triggers in my life such as “Stranger in a Strange Land” by Robert A. Heinlein and the afore mentioned CS Lewis series. Even somehow there is a link to my resonance with “Roll of Thunder Hear My Cry” and “Siddhartha”. I’m just having a devil of a time knowing what I am grasping at. Much like Meg when the sisters explained Tessering to her. I think I got it just for a moment, but not enough to explain it properly to another. Sadly after having re-read the book I think I understand the concept of Tessering better than what I am grasping at for myself.

So much so, that I began to wonder, is that a real possibility. I’ve had numerous conversations with people about how Heinlein was a genius that wrote of things that we are now working on making real. What if Ms. Engle had somehow tapped into a thought wave that was based in possibilities. She was writing a kids book, but now we are researching the real possibility of teleportation. What if Tesseract or Tessering is a real possibility that no one has put dollars into researching, and if so the ramifications of the book give a pretty clear warning of what could possibly go wrong in such experimentation. It also instills hope that once accomplished and perfected it would literally unleash a universe of possibilities. So, though scary, it brings hope in its wake.

It also makes me think of discussions I’ve had with people exploring the possibility of Quantum jumping. That by focused thought alone we could jump to an alternate timeline, and alternate reality of your own spirit. The theory leads to the possibility of leaps in improvement. I have often thought of those concepts as: it sounds too good to be true; but is it?

Are we limiting ourselves by disbelief because we simply don’t understand the how of its possibility. Can one find belief without understanding? That is a rhetorical question, mainly for myself. I struggle with faith when I allow myself to believe in the unknown. Often flip flopping like a fish on the deck of a boat, hoping to flop myself back into the comfort of the water of knowing.

What if it really is as simple as convincing yourself of your belief and then adding LOVE?

It seems too easy, but that as my wonderful husband pointed out, is because I have been well convinced by my parents and society that it has to be hard. I have been well trained that working hard is the best and only way, and boy have I mastered that one to get pittance of results in the means that were promised (finances, success, power).

Perhaps the thread I am working at pulling on means simply to let go and let things be simple. Let my beliefs build and give them faith and LOVE. Trust myself and the divine. Perhaps I will be the one to allow myself to Tesser, and when science comes and rescues my arse, I’ll have a lot of explaining to do!

Until that day, I’ll start with some more practical beliefs, and perhaps just allow that maybe, just maybe Tessering or Quantum Jumping is a real possibility that I may or may not figure out.

May you all find your moments of knowing regardless of understanding, find the path where your particular set of talents serve the divine in their highest good, and find the faith to trust the divine process. Above all, may you find your LOVE for yourself and everything else, including your beliefs.

As Above, So Below. So Mote it Be. Siva Hir Su.

“I f-ing hate enlightenment.”

That was the phrase I said to Nathan this morning that made him double over in laughter asking me to write this post.

The reason I said it was because I checked my fasting sugar and it was again at 160. I commented it was probably the chocolates I ate last night because they were cheap ones. I said “I love chocolate, there I said it, I love chocolate, and aren’t we supposed to be loving things!”

Then immediately my brain replayed the last chakra section of the following clip from “The Last Airbender”.

Watch “How To Open Your 7 Chakras As Explained In a Children’s Show” on YouTube

I had played the clip for Ian last night to see if it would help him understand things. And I had followed the clip as a meditation in the process, so I knew exactly what was being conveyed.

It is good to love things, but not so intensely that we cannot let them go for fear of the loss.

And that is precisely what I’m doing with chocolate.

Chocolate is my last food pleasure. It is the only thing left in my ‘I really enjoy this food’ list. I am afraid to lose chocolate and never have any enjoyable food in my experience.

Knowing that, and accomplishing the letting go are two separate and distinct moments. Practice makes perfect, right?!

This one is going to be hard for me. Merh.

New Perspective

My quote from Abraham this morning comes on the heels of a discussion with Nathan about how I’m changing my perspective on food.

“When you are in vibrational harmony, your body produces whatever it needs to remain in perfect balance.”

-Excerpted from Boston, MA on 10/20/96
Our Love,

Esther
(and Abraham and Jerry)

So the discussion was last night, and essentially I explained that I had been noticing a trend where people in general, but especially younger people- babies and children, are experiencing the same patterns I have with food.

I have also noted many people talking about a shift happening in humanity. Often from different perspectives and on different topics (politics, socio-economic, healing, diet, etc ).

Putting two and two together, my theory and change in perspective has broken down to the following.

Making the assumption that the shift is real, and pervades all areas of our lives, one would have to acknowledge that mankind is changing. Abraham states that forward momentum is to higher vibrations. So human kind as a whole is shifting to a higher vibration.

Food Allergies then could be interpreted as the resistance against mooving towards that higher vibration with diet and healing. It is the result of being more sensitive to the energy and vibration that food carries. If your body has already acknowledged that it wants to keep up with the shift, and knows what level of vibration that equals, then it is going to really push back every time you give it anything less than what is desired. Thus, you become “allergic” to lower vibrating foods.

Now what:

So then one (especially Myself) must admit the dissonance and focus on the solution. In my case with food, that has become repeatedly acknowledging that I am now hyper sensitive to foods and my body only wants the highest vibrating foods in just enough quantities to sustain myself.

Once I allowed myself to keep up with me, and focus on that repetition, it’s as if the battle is not as hard. My body is beginning to shed toxins and inflammation is backing off, I’m feeling much better physically. It has also made sticking to my regimen easier to stomach, so to speak (double entendre intentional).

I am back to my nibble of super healthy food every couple of hours. Nuts, apples, pears, lean plain meats- mostly fish or chicken, and far more salads in my experience with the deep dark greens.

I’m also referencing being very sensitive to foods now, instead of talking about my allergies or being allergic. I just say I’m very sensitive to foods and so I’m extra careful most of the time in choosing what I eat.

The Fall:

Now, that has not eliminated the social environments where food is provided and heavily encouraged by others. Anya’s birthday last week was a good example. However, my new perspective has still helped. Essentially, I apologized to my body in advance and explained to myself that one meal was not going to kill me, that I did enjoy the tastes of the food, and social atmosphere and supporting Anya. I also spoke to my body, stating that I know I’m capable of eliminating the toxins. I talked myself though reducing the reaction and speeding up the corrective process.

Additionally, I reinforced for myself that I know if I were more in control of the moment I would have chosen an alternate option for the meal, but I was conceding to another’s choice and control because I wanted her to enjoy her birthday- it was her day of honor however she would choose. That was solely due to how much I care for her, and is something I’ve gotten more selective over as well. Not just anyone gets to persuade me to make low vibration food choices anymore.

I also took extra allergy medicine preemptively to help with reducing my experience of the reaction. It all helped, it did not eliminate the reaction, but did significantly improve it in terms of duration and severity.

After the fact, I told myself it’s not a lifestyle that I want to live, so better choices are definitely better. However, it was manageable and I do have the tools and information to make the climb back up the health ladder to vibrate higher again more quickly.

I definitely did not enjoy the aftermath, I did however enjoy the meal itself (sans my son’s antics) and also enjoyed knowing that I accomplished the correction quickly and easily. 1 step backwards, but 2 steps forward this time. That I like as well.

So, my new perspective brought some peace of mind and acknowledgement that I myself am improving and heading toward higher vibrations. I’m allowing me keep up with ME more. That feels really good.

On a side-note update:

My dreams of giving birth and dieing have subsided. Hindsight is ALWAYS 20/20, and I realized it was solely because of the activities job. The last 2 days there I kept telling myself, not my baby anymore, because the trainee had done things in an odd way. I realized that I had given so much of myself to that position that I literally felt like I was losing myself and my baby.

Having cleared the other side, I’m still intact. I’m still me, and I still have my dream of Atira. One day I will discover my solution to build Atira and keep myself healthy and keep my family cared for. For now, I am still helping that surrogate baby by filling in on paperwork and calendar tasks. I still walk away with a much fuller knowledge of the workings of a community that size. I still have improved myself and gained knowledge. Now I can relax a bit and recuperate and heal the damage from the stress and my diet during that period.

I am supported by the universe and I am safe. And twice this week I’ve been told by different sources that Archangel Michael is watching over me to ensure that stays true. I take that validation with a huge Thank You to the Divine. I’m very appreciative that things are still improving and that I have evidence of support from the universe.

Bhagavad Gita meets Abraham

So, if you’ve read my blog, you may be aware I’ve come in contact with many things that most Midwestern American young white women would have no clue of their existence.

Partly this was due to my own inner knowing early on, that my parents religious path left much to be desired for me personally. Also it was partly due to a very unique set of individuals I met growing up.

In middle school I had friends of several different Christian faiths that allowed me to visit their churches. What I discovered was that I didn’t really mesh with any of the churches completely.

By highschool, I had read books on Zen Buddhism, Taoism, other eastern paths, and had learned quite a bit about my ancient ancestors which were most likely druids.

I had one friend that moved into the same small school I did, within months of my moving in. That friend introduced me to Wicca and reading her books, I knew it was headed the right direction. Another friend lived there her whole life, but her parents’ home was the regional Buddhist temple and I was fortunate to meet the Lama on one of his visits to Iowa. It was a very special afternoon, one I still remember vividly because I felt very clearly when something said resonated and when it didn’t.

Then by sophomore year I’d read “Siddhartha” and “Iliad and Oddessy” as part of my academic endeavors. I&O for a lit class and Siddhartha for academic decathlon. Both instructors guiding the readings commented that I seemed to get much more out of either story than most ‘kids my age’. They were right, much of both stories resonated deeply, but there were still gaps in what I was searching for.

We lived near Maharishi University, and many people in the Iowa city area followed their teachings, so my next stop was to see what I might glean from their teachings. I discovered meditation and had learned basics of many Hindu concepts. That seemed to fill many of the gaps I felt. In an effort to know more, I read more. That was my first reading of the Bhagavad Gita.

I’ve begun rereading the BG because it didn’t stick as well back then. However, in reading it for a second time, I’m now almost tempted to reread the others (time being the only hindrance).

What I’m discovering is that language barriers in translations probably hindered my understanding somewhat in the first reading. This time I’m understanding much more of what is being said and I’m amazed at how much of it overlaps with Abraham Hicks teachings. It makes me wonder if the same thing happened with “Siddhartha” and “Iliad & Oddessy” in particular.

I know both books’ translations were well respected versions, and I remember clearly some scenes being so enthralling for me that it was as if my brain turned them into movies .

For instance in “Siddhartha” there is an excerpt where the main character meditates by a stream and sees all the faces of his life experience, in the stream. It led him to the understanding of how we are all part of one greater energy stream. When I read that part of the story, it was as if I was sitting by the stream having that experience. It was vivid and real, and I fully and completely understood exactly what was being conveyed.

I was roughly 14 when I read that.

I was only a year or so older the first time I picked up the Bhagavad Gita. So if my new reading is so eye opening, with this text, I can’t imagine the response I’d have with another pass on Siddhartha.

For instance:

In the BG’s 4th chapter/book titled “The Way of Renunciation of Action in Knowledge” the 18th verse/line reads: “He who sees inaction in action, and action in inaction is intelligent among men, he is a yogi and a doer of all action.”

To me I hear a direct echo of Abraham talking about how uninspired physical action is useless and unproductive, but if one meditates and finds inspiration in meditation, then any action based upon that inspiration is bound to be successful. Abraham has said it many ways, but regardless of the words the meaning is the same. Inactive meditation followed by inspired action is the best and most effective, wisest use of our lives.

Who knew that there was so much overlap?!

Abraham probably did!

Heck somewhere in my mind it had to have registered. Yet, another thing Abraham is right about. If you’re not ready to receive the information, then no amount of exposure will line you up with it.

Just because I read the text years ago didn’t mean it registered, that’s why I even acknowledged a reread couldn’t hurt. I knew I’d missed things, and it just didn’t stick over time.

Now that I’ve heard the information from a western perspective, and accepted it’s applications in my life, it’s starting to sink in. That has led to seeing the missed variations that I’d already read years before.

For me this is merely validation that I’m on the right track. I’d already read it years ago, but over time I’ve been exposed to variations from throughout history, and it’s finally making sense. I’m finally understanding and seeing it working, and rereading one of the early examples causing a ‘seeing it for what it is’ realization.

It’s like hiking a path to the top of a crest and looking down the crest one way, and looking back down the path and connecting just how far you’ve come.

It feels good.

I think I’ll finish the Bhagavad Gita just to solidify for myself that I’ve gotten what I can out of it.

May you all have your AhHa moments this week and have that sense of accomplishment. It is good to feel that sense of ‘coming so far’ to know where you’ve been.

Ouch!

Watch “Abraham Hicks 💓 Let FUN guide you [NEW]” on YouTube

https://youtu.be/1sYIZMsL01M.

I’m so very guilty of this. Guess I understand at least part of why the last 3 years has gone the way it has. I really need figure out how to stay-permanently- on the positive vortex side.

It’s funny: scaring off people I really like on one hand; & introducing other friends to polyamory & law of attraction on the other hand (I’ve discovered different friends have gravitated to one or the other in the last couple of years, & I was the one that introduced the concepts). I literally told Nathan when he informed me of that: “Why the hell do I keep helping others find things I have yet to fully figure out for myself?!”

———

As for me:

I just keep getting better and better at solving a never ending slew of problems. Nursing is slowly resolving: they went ahead and clipped Katherine’s tongue-tie even though the front was mild, with a disclaimer that since it wasn’t bad it might not solve things, & the rear may be more significant, but also more costly to clip. It’s solved maybe 70% of the pain. The other 30% is very, very slowly backing off as my nipples heal. I really wish I could speed that process up more, but I’ve been told its going quickly compared to others with that much damage- probably because all the goop I’m using repeatedly. I’m also in the midst of figuring out adrenal & thyroid balance post birth to put an end to the emotional nose dives and roller coaster ride I’ve been on for the last 3 weeks. Nursing problems or not, I knew the extreme falls were needing an extra look, & my last 2 tweaks seem to have made significant headway.

Now I just need to get into the doc to renew my desicated thyroid prescription.

I do wish though that Dr. Illardi would revisit his Depression Cure book with postpartum needs and situations in mind, that puzzle could use his perspective. I’ve had a heck of a time trying to apply his findings to “eat when they eat, sleep when they sleep” new baby logic, while still attempting to retain the allergy needs dictated by 3rd trimester, trying to stimulate lactation, having difficulty with severe breast pain, and not being able to leave my room half as much as I’d prefer. It’s a puzzle that has already threatened to get the better of me, but as usual I’m fighting with all I’ve got.

——–

In other news:

The basement is also coming along well. Our “living room”/ multipurpose room is nearly complete, and we’re finally working on unpacking things beyond clothing.

The storage area behind the brown chair will eventually get covered with a curtain. That is once I’m certain the crack in the ceiling no longer leaks when it rains.

My child already made friends with the Lego’s in the new open floor space, but there is still room for 2 pieces of exercise equipment, a large dog kennel (blue sheeted cube) , & stacked tables for organizing short term storage & usables.

The other table currently a mess, is intended for being art space, and most (but not all) of what is on it is art supplies. To that end I fully intend to sort & organize to actually be able to use it for its intended purpose.

Nathan’s goal has been to tackle organizing our portion of kitchen stuff in the garage & to make the garage usable space again. He’s about three quarters of the way through that process, but it looks a ton better and you can actually walk around in the garage now (as opposed to squeezing through & still being afraid of tripping, like it was a couple of weeks ago).

It’s starting to feel like home, and to that end we’re getting closer to having everything moved. Nathan’s down to missed odds and ends, & the large outdoor items. Life is finally starting to seem normal again, and things are beginning to look pretty again. That I have to thank the gods for. I asked Kali almost 3 years ago to help me make things pretty again (when I hit the remodeling-brick-walls with the trailer), and it’s finally beginning to take shape, just not the way I thought it would. SO not the way I envisioned.

Anyway, Hannah is giving the home a glorious garden. She helped me rescue plants I’d started the previous 2 years. & those combined with her plants from before, her amazing touch, a bunch of seeds, and a few new plants, things are looking great.

The view of the Iris’ from our room is wonderful too.

Finally, I’ve made cards for a couple of people that were very generous with me this year, birthday & baby wise. I was going to make a 3rd, but that person is nearly blind, so I’m not sure yet how to honor her generosity. Beyond that, it’s taken me over a month, but I’m almost done with an adult coloring page I’m in love with- an elephant.

I can’t take full credit for the cards, the cats were inspired by a single kitty I saw somewhere, & the cover words were also found. I just put my personal touch on it, crafting it with watercolors on heavy art paper, feeling like that meant more than a store bought card. I hope they feel the same way when they get them.

——–

So up, and down, and all around.

My husband and Hannah both keep telling me that I’m amazing & should be congratulating myself. I still have difficulty seeing it, knowing the thousands of things I would still like to accomplish. I do have my moments where I’m like “Yeah I’m a bad-ass giving birth and all the challenges and I’m still trucking with a healthy beautiful baby to-boot”. I just wish I could figure out how to maintain those moments consistently without seeming like or sounding like a narcissistic bastard… Yes that is a fear of mine. Yet another challenge. …

My last request for the day: one less challenge to overcome, let something be easy for once. Let a something, for everyone, be easy for once.

*Siva Hir Su.*