Tag Archives: belief

Stream of consciousness- part 1

Last night I meditated to a 111hz YouTube video to calm and find answers. The combination of my herbs, the frequency, and the visual, led to my connection being amplified intensely. The following words are from that channeled experience, and I think they can apply to everyone. I will expound on the rest of my related thoughts in a separate post.


The matrix is being redesigned

What do you want it to look like

Are you someone who wants me to stay down with you
Or are you someone who wants to try and keep up with the changes like I do

I’m sorry if you want to stay down, I can’t stay with you
If you want to keep up, we’ll do better if we work with each other

I want to work together, show me how, tell me how

Relief again.

I’m 95% of the way through my thyroid storm. I only feel the painful heart skips or speeding occasionally. My mood has stabilized. My thinking is more clear again. My headache comes and goes, but is gone more then present.

On top of that we had our housewarming gathering today. I bought enough food for 2 armies, and half of one showed up, so we’ll have tons of leftovers. Plus, I was pleased to see some faces considering a few days ago my thyroid storm had me believing no one cared.

It was a good first gathering in our home. I look forward to many more.

I didn’t take any of my supplements today, wanting to make sure I stayed down in normal range. Now to just find the balance where I maintain the thyroid sweet spot again. I went a year and a half doing pretty well with no medication, so now I have a reminder to keep doing what I was doing. I know the best path and I just need to stick to it. I get better at that every day, and considering I fell into the hole of my brain hurting enough to think about suicide, I climbed back up very quickly.

May last bout of that was right after Katherine’s birth and it took 2 weeks to wade through the crash to even come close to normal. The same period after Ian was born took 14 weeks after acknowledgement that I needed help. So more like 16-18 weeks from when I fell in the hole. This time it was right at a week from knowing something was off, to falling in the hole, to successful climb back out, and that’s even with stupid people taking me for granted as get laid quick schemes, rejecting actual relationship possibilities.

I’m giving myself huge kudos on that shift, that improvement; especially since I had only Nathan’s encouraging words to help me. No one stopped me, no one told me what to do, not one person figured it out for me. AND I did it all when my hurting brain was telling me it was easier to throw in the towel and just kill myself.

I literally just kept flip flopping between those scary thoughts and convincing myself that it was solvable and I just needed to regain control for the sake of my husband and kids. Once the storm calmed just enough, I was able to start attempting to analyze my previous actions to try and figure out what led up to the storm. Now I am fairly certain I know what led up to it and what to do to get into my sweet spot and maintain it again.

5 years ago that was impossible. I couldn’t even regain balance without help and was at the mercy of band-aid pills controlled by uninvested doctors. Now I have knowing, I have data, I know cause and effect, and I’ve won the battle enough times I’m now getting more efficient at winning. I may not have healed my body, but I know how to manipulate the dysfunction enough to maintain my stability.

Stability itself will eventually allow for healing.

The one moment I am clinging to is what I said to Nathan standing in the shower bawling my eyes out. I still believe it even if I’m not certain of my ability to allow it: “Love is supposed to fix the things I can’t fix by myself.” In the moment of tears I thought I was crying because I believed wrong. However, now I see that I was crying because I was doubting a true internal belief. I hold that belief so deeply that even a little doubt feels absolutely horrible. So it must come to pass. God is just waiting for me to do my part and the rest will fall into place.

Thank you God for helping me find my solutions. Thank you for helping me see the rediculous for what it is. Thank you for talking me out of my hurt and desire to give up. Thank you for giving me Nathan and his supportive kind words. Thank you for helping me fix what is wrong, and I do know you’ll help me find healing if I get out of my own way.

May you all have moments of clarity and healing. May you all find your solutions. May you all sense God’s guidance. May you have easy roads. May you respect yourself and others, especially when fighting battles like mine. May you feel better faster and more efficiently.

Siva Hir Su

Spiritual peekaboo.

It seems I’m having difficulty trusting myself.

It’s not that I don’t ever, but it fluctuates, and with interpersonal relationship hiccups it seems I’m floating in the distrust spectrum. Working on that, but definitely hesitant because of my failures in recent history.

Yet today one of my residents with MS, whom has a very plain-Jane super common American name, told me that her middle name was Reghandi (I’m spelling that based on the sound and my vocabulary awareness). I suspected it was another instance of a resident picking up on a message for me, so I asked staff what her middle name really was. The only problem is that none of them knew her real middle name, or at least that they would relinquish to me. So now I’m not sure.

All I do know is that the last 5 years I thought I was getting better at translating energetic information. Yet nearly every time I say something to someone about what I’m getting, I’m essentially told that I’m completely wrong. For a while I only said things if I was feeling very certain and like I was getting pushed into saying something. Now I can’t even bring myself to do that.

The last few times stung too badly, and I’m gun-shy.

I tell myself that they are either in denial, or that I freaked them out, or that I was scary accurate about something they’d rather hide. It helps to not completely hate on myself, but the doubt is there nonetheless.

So now with things like my lady’s random off the wall comment about her middle name, I’m not sure whether it means anything for real or not.

I now feel like my intuition is a bunch of B-S and I spend all day apologizing to myself and trying to ignore all of my twinges. I have very much withdrawn in a lot of ways, and it’s starting to affect my mood. Of course, not having taken any significant time for me in the last 2 months isn’t helping either. Merh, what can you do?

Finally, I have completely given up on relationships for now. I’ve decided that my heart already gives love to so many people, who could care less, that I’d rather not add any more to that. There’s options for me to do so, but I’m coming to terms with loving things/people that I can’t seem to align with, despite my best efforts. I’d rather just have the ones that are already in my heart, so I’m doing my best to figure out how to release the faulty programming/beliefs that led to this connundrum to begin with. Maybe I can fix the alignment issue and not have to start over. I just don’t know, doubts cloud that as well.

May you all trust your intuition even when you’re told otherwise. May you know what’s good for you and understand energetic input. May you know what to say and how to act with all of it. May you find the alignment you seek. May you feel accepted as yourself. May you feel the love in regards to both yourself and others. May you feel supported.

Siva Hir Su