Tag Archives: beliefs

Out damn spot.

Like a darkness, an oily soiled evilness, ruining all it touches. Your ick spoils all, your vileness permeates everything and every one. You are the IT of “A Wrinkle In Time”. You are that which none wants, but all fight silently. You are the dis-ease we all fight, the remnants of poor choices past. Humanity, thinking beings, created you. All negative emotions, especially fear, feed you.

Your vileness is unwelcomed in my world.

Get out.

You threaten my thoughts, you threaten my emotions. You create worries and concern. You tell lies and show me death. Yet you are the lie, you are death. Your grim cloak is invisible. Your banshee screams are inaudible. Most pretend they don’t hear or see you, but the human experience is laden with you. Every turn, every moment of life, can cast your shadows.

It is our greatest biological weakness, an inability to escape your touch permanently.

How does humanity stop that which is undetectable, unmeasurable, invisible and silent?

You are worse than any disease because you are the root of disease. Humanity helped you by creating a new bigger, faster, unstoppable version; and we continue to help you by devoting our emotions to fear, only feeding you further.

I choose to ignore you as much as possible. I choose to use your lies to find my truth.

Kill everyone if you want, they will escape your touch in the afterlife. If humanity ends, then so too will the darkness that has gripped an entire planet in fear, crippling logic and stalling real solutions.

“In our darkest days lie our greatest strength.” ~ Master Jim, Troll Hunters a Netflix Original


I scolded my step-daughter this evening, after several events laden with chaos and mayhem. Nathan’s dialysis was one, a conversation about the failings of vaccines another. There were several others less notable.

My scolding was because I saw that fear was causing her to shut down and ignore the message that we were attempting to convey. She clings to the hope promised by the system, and is blinded to the emptiness of those promises. She desperately wants to believe that some pill or some shot will magically solve all her woes. She does not hear me when I tell her they don’t do that for anyone. Any one pill or any one shot, only gives you a chance at the singular thing which it is aimed. There is a myriad of things, and that is why there is a myriad of pills and shots. They are humanities’ feeble attempts at fixing what was broken ages before, and there is no one fix for all of it, except vibrational alignment, and humanity will likely never find alignment as a collective. We must do it as individuals for any chance of survival.

In the scolding, I pointed out to her, that her own mother died because that same system offered empty promises to her mother, cancer treatment failed miserably because she died after a 2 year battle where she couldn’t walk and suffered constantly. I pointed out the same system is currently failing her own father, and even when he is trying to explain something is wrong they ignore him. I pointed out that same system has hurt me repeatedly, and that my direct efforts have helped myself and her father more than anything else.

That is all 3 of her parents, whom have all been let down by the system over and over again.

But for whatever reason, all she sees is the hope laden propaganda, and she needs hope so desperately that it is all that matters.

I however, hope that same darkness referenced above, is the reason I feel like I’ve already lost her. I choose to cling to my own internal hope that she’ll grow a greater awareness and quickly. I choose to cling to my own internal knowing that she is smart enough to decifer real truth from hopeful propaganda. I choose to know that regardless of any of it, whether any of us survive this man made mess or not, that on the other side we will all find relief in a permanent way.

“Where there is a will there is a way.”

I choose to fight for Nathan and send prayers for all of us, knowing that this life might be a loosing battle, but one way or another good will overcome.

Regardless of whether we attracted this disease through poor choices and bad alignment, or actually created it in a lab as an attempt at warfare, either way we are responsible, and either way we still have yet to produce solid reliable permanent resolution for it. The vaccine was a solid attempt, but it’s stats are not holding up to standards set long ago. Continuing to put all of our resources in that basket is risking lives of generations, not just the here and now. The vaccine industry has put profits before lives, and it caused catastrophic failure, not just with covid (revisit effectiveness stats for the last several years of the flu vaccine). And I reiterate we can solve computer viruses easier than human viruses, there is no solidly effective anti-viral for any virus, and no resources are devoted to healing post infection for any disease. Our best bet is still simply to honor the miraculous nature of the human body and feed it well enough to do as it was designed.

We humans are failing ourselves, over and over and over and over and over again.

Right now the most successful survivors are those that have learned their own personal alignment- in all the ways that means. They have the least of the illness, and the least of the long-term ramifications. That is why it is my goal, that is why I devote so much of my time and resources to working on myself.

I choose to honor myself. I choose to respect myself. I choose to educate myself. I choose to arm myself with my own arsenal of awareness. I choose to acknowledge my strengths and work on building up my weaknesses. I choose to be the best me I can be and forgive myself for my lapses. I am human on the journey of life and sometimes it sucks. It’s what you do with that moving forward that counts.

Not even the biggest powers that be have stopped this disease, so I must simply do my best knowing that if I fail it’s still okay. God is the only one capable of stopping this, and it seems that either he doesn’t want to, or is still working on it.

I choose to believe that I and my family will survive and heal fully. I choose to believe that we will find our alignment enough to continue on our journey of life. I choose to believe that God is rooting for me to win, and I’m waiting for my HA moment. In the meantime I will keep reaching for my own inner being because that alone is what has given me everything that has helped me over the years. My inner being has saved me more times than measurable, my inner being has guided me to everything I’ve ever needed to know. I trust my inner being more than anything else, and I always do my best to follow that guidance.

I pray for everyone that doesn’t even know what that feels like. Those are the people that need it the most right now.


May you see the darkness for what it is. May you bring light to all the shadows and find healing for yourself and those around you. May you know that no matter what it’s all okay, even if we all did die, we’d be free of this darkness. May you know that somewhere, somehow there is something more helpful than the failure vaccines. May you know that if we all reach for alignment it will help humanity in all the ways, but especially in finding a real solution for this and all diseases. Above all may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Non-institutional Faith

Préface :

What I’m about to write about is a generalization. As all such cases, it applies to many but not all of the people that fall under said umbrellas. There are always exceptions. This is merely an explanation of some of the reasons that I follow the path that I do.

I found I was drawn to writing about this topic because of working through yet more energetic junk. I’m not trying to convince anyone of anything, merely putting words to explain my choices. I’m validating my own decisions for myself because I know that these observations and decisions have helped me grow and be a better person. Whether you agree with me entirely, or not, I feel there is always something that someone might find benefit in, and utilize for their own growth and development, even if my words only stir a desire within you to examine your own choices a little more closely.

So, since I’m busy blasting holes in concepts to pave the way for solutions, I thought that this is a perfect time to include one more. And that brings me to the main event!


Faith for me became an internal dialogue at an early age because of environmental concerns and awareness, and my own direct experiences.

I have written before about traumas I suffered by other kids, older than I, and how at least one of them was connected to a family that attended my father’s church. They straight up denied that their child would do such a thing because they were such a devout family. I remember distinctly the mom telling another parent that I was a liar because her child would never do something like that. It hurt immensely because he did. I was horribly embarrassed by what he did to me on the playground, and very hurt by hearing his mother call me a liar. It was a double trauma, and made me hate the two-faced people I frequently ran into at church, be it my father’s, mother’s or friend’s churches. Sadly the Mormon churches seemed to be the most wrought with hypocrisy.

As a result, by the time I was in highschool, I was already exploring religions and beliefs. I found a brutal awareness of atrocities levied upon people in the name of God and that began to shape my choices.

See, my father is Mormon and my mother is Catholic. By the time I was starting highschool I was very aware of how both religions and several others had covered up horrible mis-deeds in an effort to save face and ultimately caused even more atrocities and traumas worldwide.

Both the Mormon faith and the Catholic faith see women as childbearers and home makers. A woman’s place is to do her duty and stay quiet. Neither faith makes any significant effort to protect it’s women or children, and frequently levied doctrine intended to keep women and children down in their place.

The Mormon faith was  saturated with arranged polygamist marriages, where fathers would sell their daughters to the highest bidder. Often the highest bidder would say they were going to protect said girl, but all too frequently the bidder was 45+ years old and the daughters were 16 to 20 (sometimes as young as 9) and consent was never sought from the girl, only the father. Once a sale was complete the owning “husband” did whatever he wanted regardless of age. Frequently the age discrepancy and polygamy eventually caught up the the old creeps and landed them in jail, but their atrocities we’re usually fairly extreme by the time law was involved.

Beyond the sale of girls and rape of child ‘spouses’, the elders of both variants of the Mormon church have regularly been scrutinized for tax evasion and other questionable business dealings. That was knowledge of my father’s faith I gleaned by the time I was in highschool.

Shortly thereafter the Catholic priests were being taken to court for their abuses of alter boys and the resulting cover-ups. In the process of learning about those atrocities I also learned of financial and political dealings of the Catholic church and how they had hoarded artwork and other precious gems/jewelry items for centuries. During World War II it did manage to protect many items that would otherwise have been lost, but now they sit in deep storage, kept from the rest of society. I was not surprised by any of that knowledge.

Women are not allowed to be leaders of either faith. The newer sect of Mormonism has allowed women to be in lower leadership roles, but never in the uppermost echelon. The Catholic faith will only allow women to become nuns, and none of the nuns make major decisions for the faith, create doctrine, or interface with the outside world beyond charitable works.

I continued my learning.

Judaism and Islam having their “Holy War” of over 2000 years, and the multiplicity of atrocities in connection with that. Islam enforcing women to stay covered blaming them for men being unable to control their dicks. The middle east being wrought with acid attacks and rape, all being levied against women. Even worse it is then blamed on them because they “asked for it by showing too much skin”.

Chinese practices prevented women from being anything other than laypersons for any of their faiths. They encouraged foot binding as a ‘sign’ of social status, and sold poor women and children into a variety of slavery including the sex-trade.

Japanese also forced women into the sex trade, and even idealized it for many women creating a vetting process for a woman to become a Gaisha. If you weren’t beautiful enough or from an esteemed family then you were sold for any number of unmentionable abuses.

Africans of a variety, forced teen girls to endure unsanitary, unsterile and hazardous female circumcision for hundreds of years. Even to this day, with modern medicine, female circumcision is still frequently carried out in homes. It leaves women unable to be a woman without significant pain and great hazards throughout their lives, often disfiguring them for life. In Africa acid torture is used on anyone they suspected of whatever they deemed deserving of such torture. When AIDS broke out they would rape babies because of a superstitious belief that it would heal them. Yet it only traumatized and infected the infant, should the infant survive.

All across the globe for centuries men have levied great atrocities on other men, women, and children. All too frequently their actions are justified by faith, their God’s word, or some doctrine intended to keep elder males in their position of power.

Because of all of this I simply could not belong to any church. All of them had blemishes on their records and none were making any great strides to rectify damages done or right wrongs. I simply could not live with myself if I chose one of them. I knew I could not contribute in any way to any of the faiths that I had learned about.

My solution was to follow the path of paganism. It is the one faith without centralized institutions and doctrine. It is the one faith that places responsibility fully on the practitioner’s shoulders. It is the one faith that to this day turns in it’s own people for misdeeds and wrong-doings. My own local awareness of camp and groups in the metro here in KC has verified that a dozen times over, everything from theft to rape and molestation. If a pagan catches another pagan doing wrong, you better bet they’re going to jail. If only we had that fortitude with charitable works.

But beyond the lack of centralized institutions and doctrine, and the efforts to hold each other accountable, paganism offers flexibility in practice.

I don’t sit in a stuffy church listening to a boring sermon every week to go home and do my best to apply what was said. No, I learned my ethics from the get-go. I learned my beliefs early.

I took what resonated from all the others, the overlapping positives of all faiths, and applied them to my life in as consistent a pattern as I can manage.

My biggest challenge is  overriding the temper I learned from my father. My second biggest challenge is time management and making sure I apply everything I know as often as possible.

I meditate as often as I can aiming for daily (and we’ve been teaching the two youngest how to do so). I do yoga as often as possible as well, but really push myself to manage at least 2 to 3 times a week. I do full &/or new moon rituals when my schedule aligns and everything works out.

The rest of my beliefs are interactive. I do my best to treat everyone with respect consistently. I utilize Reiki in my sessions whether directly requested or not. I pray for those in need and those the reach my awareness of being in some sort of struggle. I give money in a variety of ways, as I am able, from CharityWater to Harvesters to local homeless shelters and even people begging on the street.

No I am not perfect, I fail quite often. Much more often than I would like to admit, but I still try. I do my best always, aiming to accomplish good as often as I can.

I simply do what I can, when I can, and as often as possible because my overarching belief is that we are here to make the world a better place in as many ways as we are able. That isn’t something you can accomplish by going to church once a week and just paying a tithing to some institution.

Besides that, CharityWater was the first institution to make certain that individual contributions actually went directly to charitable works. They were the first, and to my knowledge are still the only organization, to cover operating expenses via generous benefactors. A handful of generous people make sure the chairty runs and their expenses are covered, and everyone else that donates are paying for the supplies and services they fund.

If every church functioned that way, you’d bet they would be less flashy and more functional on charitable works. Mega churches would become mega givers. But that’s just my opinion I suppose.

Regardless of your faith, I hope that you understand the world in a greatest, most consistent, positive impact sort of way.

Regardless of the avenue you choose, may you find your connection to God and find a way to right previous wrongs. May you know you are having a maximum positive impact on this world. May you see every deed, every interaction, every thought, every word, as an opportunity to improve our world. May you know that you are doing your best to make the world a better place. May you find ways to help the world heal our long history of atrocities. May you always reach for better. Above all may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Fodder

So I have really enjoyed my short stay with my family. It was really good to see everyone. As with all things there is the good and the not so good.

The good:

  • Seeing family I haven’t visited with for over a year or even longer.
  • The east coast.
  • The seafood.
  • The fun.
  • The sunny weather.
  • The beautiful flowers in bloom.
  • Ferns and other beautiful nature moments.
  • Their dog playing with me.
  • Exploring their yard and area sights and stores.
  • Jokes and camaraderie.
  • The decompression from life, the relaxation.
  • My first flight and soon to be my second.
  • Being able to see mom, and both of us looking and feeling better these days- others noticed.

The not so good was minimal, mostly, with one significant moment. There were awkward moments which my brothers later poked fun at. I ate way too much of things that I haven’t been eating for months. Dad’s health isn’t doing so hot and everyone really noticed that. And there were conversations that made me pause.

Sometimes I wonder how I came from the same family, because it’s like I’ve seen a very different world than they have. For most of it, I was able to just stay out of the conversation and let it pass.

One moment I did just that, but felt a huge twang in my heart. It was a sore subject for me because it is the moment that keeps me from being 100% authentic with my own family, and also solidifies that I will never be fully accepted by my own family.

Most of the family has Catholic leanings, the few that don’t converted to other religions or were/are the Mormon part of the family. The Catholic faith still refuses to acknowledge anything beyond heterosexuality. And Mormons like polygamy because men can own women, buy young girls, and pretend that is because of love, but they’ll kill or run off anyone that tries to flip the scales of gender in that picture, and that’s nothing to say of what they have done to homosexual people.

Anyway, my brother was pointing out the difference between being offensive and harassment. The former can be simply because you believe or do something for yourself; the latter is because you went after someone with intent (possibly because of the former). It becomes a huge entanglement causing investigations more frequently now, simply because people can’t just be offended and move on.

I fully understand where he was coming from and what was being said. I don’t 100% agree, but generally speaking do agree with what was being said.

My fall down was in the example he used. He said “I don’t agree with lesbianism because my religious beliefs say it is wrong.” He was using himself as an example of something that is offensive to many, but it’s a statement of his choices and if you don’t like it just move on.

Yet I couldn’t help but remember everything I’ve learned over my years about how people have been outright shunned, traumatized, psychologically damaged, beaten and killed, because of that simple belief. People that were sent to camps and tortured to try and clean the evil homosexuality out of them, to never actually be cured of homosexuality. All because of that one belief.

Now I don’t think my brother would ever do any of that, and that’s where intent is important and differentiates harassment or crime.

However, I also know that I can’t be fully honest about my bisexuality without fear of how he would treat me. What would change, would I be shunned again, how would he feel about me? How would any of the Catholics in the family treat me? Simply because I know that my brain finds both genders attractive, I’m hard wired that way.

I also know that denying any part of yourself is the quickest way to dis-ease and eventually death. It’s why my own father is afraid of dying and miserable every day that he remains alive, because he denied parts of himself his entire life and abused everyone around him in retaliation, and because of even so much more. Self-hatred eventually turns into a million reasons to hate on everyone else, and that’s exactly what my father did for 77 years.

And if my father can hate on everyone for denying his bisexual leanings, then so can anyone else. Again: if my father denied that part of himself, and I acknowledged it in myself almost 20 years before finding out about his, then it speaks to being somehow intrinsically linked to our genetic lineage or familialy  learned behaviors.

If it’s assumed to be a genetic defect in our family, then it is reflecting a defect in humanity as a whole, and why doesn’t it affect everyone equally? We all had Dad’s DNA, why am I the only one acknowledging bisexuality. Additionally, if it’s merely learned behavior, then all of my siblings should identify as bisexual as well, we all had Dad’s upbringing, so his leanings would have been taught equally.  And, if we’re all that way, then the conversation should not have gone down that road to begin with.

Or perhaps it’s not actually a defect of any kind. We need to acknowledge that perhaps it’s been that way all along, and beliefs such as my brother’s, are what kept it hidden for mellenia.

Or perhaps it is new, but still not necessarily a defect. What is better: being killed by people like Gates/Stalin/Hitler because they want population control, or acknowledging that maybe we evolved to having homosexuality to naturally curb population? That perhaps humanity hit it’s own natural limits and is self correcting.

Having any belief that tells someone a major factor of their identity is wrong, is detrimental to yourself, your family, your community, and society as a whole.

My brother can and has told me many things over the years. I’m unfazed by most of it, because all the politics and environmentally influenced thoughts are temporary to a certain degree. Most of them are changeable and malleable, and will change as soon as the next major factor is adjusted. Both those are things involving processes and how to set up protective or punishment measures.

But stating that someone’s sexuality is wrong is telling them that an intrinsic part of themselves is wrong. If it causes dis-ease to label your self as wrong in any way, then what do you think it does when religion dictates that is how we should view masses of people in our world? If telling yourself you are wrong causes disease, do you think you’ll be healthy telling everyone else that are wrong too? It’s no good any way you look at it, and I’m still amazed that anyone with a brain as intelligent as his is, can allow for a belief like that to continue. Your own logic should be able to easily delineate right from wrong in this case.

It is a belief that is toxic to humanity, and hurtful especially when it causes your own flesh and blood to want to run and never look back. I love my brother and wish him the absolute best in life, but I have to love myself more than that if I want to live. I do not have the luxury of just going with an institution’s toxic dogma, because it would deny my own inner being and I have worked too damn hard to maintain and heal as much as I have.

I simply can not deny what I know too be a part of myself, and now knowing that most of my family feels that way, it is too much. I can’t be my own authentic self with my own biological family, and if I want to heal fully I need to be authentic to myself. So this will probably be the last time I spend any significant time with them. I want to live and move forward, and this is just another toxic belief I have no ability to endure any longer. I am worth more than that.

I am a beautiful human being, and that includes a sexual identity that whether caused by genetics, or learned behavior, or human evolution, I can not change. There have been few people that have ever “overcome homosexuality” and of the few that claimed they did, even many of those were later caught ‘failing’ at it. If it’s that ingrained, then why are we still labeling people as wrong because a religion said so?

I have to acknowledge that the logic doesn’t add up, and that it is hurtful to enable or support such a toxic belief. I don’t want to hurt my family, so I’ll just quietly duck out and leave them to their own devices. I’m grateful to my childhood and my life for teaching me what not to do, and this is just another instance that I will learn from and grow because of. I want to live in a better world and I’m going to do my damnedest to change myself enough to enable that.

Our world needs no more hate. We need more peace, more growth, more happiness, more relief. Self-acceptance and acceptance of others is a huge step in the right direction, and that is where my focus well be. I’d rather love than hate. I’d rather be accepting than limiting. I’d rather be supportive than restrictive. I’d rather have growth and forward movement and momentum, than stagnate and decay.

I won’t push the subject with my family, we’ve had enough discord over the years. I’ll just stay silent and move on, sending them well wishes from afar. I’d rather leave no trace of my differences and quietly peacefully withdraw. I deserve better than the alternative. They have my love even with the ache in my heart.

May you never find yourself deeply offended by your own family. May you know that your family truly and unequivocally accepts you. May you know that you are really loved even if just by the divine. May you know that the divine loves each and every ounce, every cell, every atom in your body. May you know you are perfect just the way you are, and that if something is already in your identity then it is who you are and loving it is the only right thing to do. May you know that you deserve better in whatever that means, from changing a belief in yourself, to walking away from fighting something that can’t be changed, to finding love for another even when their words hurt deeply. May we all be the change that this world needs to see.

Om Shanti