Tag Archives: believer

You found me Avis?

“You Found Me” by The Fray

That song played as my evening calmly wrapped up in the ever present clarity of hindsight.

This evening was an exercise in trust and understanding.

I ended work on time to pick up the rental van. We were nearly through processing the paperwork to finalize the rental and payment when we were notified that the van could not travel through the state of New York. We were not notified of that when we set the reservation 2 weeks ago.

Unable to secure that, we made phone calls in route to the airport, as all the rental agencies there were open extended hours.

Hertz had vans and they were able to go through New York, but would have over doubled our cost.

Enterprise had exactly one van left, and it could travel anywhere, but was several hundred more than our original reservation. I was willing to suck it up and eat the cost, but they needed one credit card that could handle the reservation plus a large deposit. I explained I had quadruple the reserves they were asking, but no one card of mine could take such a sizable payment. They simply couldn’t handle that, and I was unable to secure a temporary approval for the one transaction. So I walked away frustrated repeating OM in my head to attempt to real myself back in emotionally.

Then I called my dad in frustration to ask if he still had his second vehicle. He explained he did but it needed transmission work and was not safe for distance travel. I asked his opinion on the matter and he said he always relied on National rentals. I thanked him for his input and said I’d let him know how things went later.

I walked over and National had none left.

Finally I sat staring at the Avis rental counter. I decided I had nothing to lose and the possibility of actually starting our trip on time.

I walked up with Nathan by my side. We explained our evening just as I did here, and the service rep, said let me see what I can do for you. After some tapping on the computer he pulled up a minivan and quoted a price only $300 over what our original reservation was for. He processed it through 2 cards with no problem, and explained the rental only covered liability insurance, we would need to arrange with our insurance for coverage for damages. I said no problem and thanked him profusely for his excellent service and solution. I told him I thought he was my new best friend.

I felt so much relief.

At that point we were only down 4 hours from our original pick-up. We stopped to get our very belated dinner and food for children. That was when the song by The Fray started playing.

It suddenly hit me. Avis backwards is Siva… As in the ‘Siva Hir Su’ I now use to flow energy. My guides gave me that one after reacquainting myself with Shiva mantras. Roughly translated it means the quintessence of all that is here is good. I knew I had been seeing messages and signs, but didn’t understand them. Was someone telling me I had things backwards? After all the song is about meeting God a little too late.

I had had enough sense to use OM to calm myself enough to trust that somehow I’d figure out a solution. And I did.

With hindsight I think I’m seeing the chain of events as confirmation that one must have trust and belief first, and then you can see God’s solution.

In my moment of OM I simply knew I couldn’t give up, I had to make this trip happen. And after a few moments I sat looking around and realized the only real option left was Avis, all the others had been tried or were already known as being too expensive from when we set our original reservation. I had to try simply because I knew the trip had to happen, and at the same time I knew I’d had messages even if I didn’t comprehend them. God wouldn’t try to send messages if he wasn’t trying to help. So Avis was a small leap of faith that even if I was being too dense to get the messages, they must still mean I’m supported enough that my last option would be the possible one.

And it was.

I spent the rest of my evening giving thanks for everything, especially that the trip would still happen. I would still get to see my mom, Nathan’s parents, and my brother and his family. I would still get my 12 days of reprieve from life. I had a few crunch time stress outbursts, but otherwise we got packed up with just a little bit less sleep for the journey. All was well.

May you all have your moments of clarity that help you to see what you were missing. Moments that enable you to know for certain that the Divine is doing it’s best to help and support you. Moments that make everything all right and provide that immense relief.

As above, So below, Siva Hir Su.

Almost there.

So I’m inching closer to baby being here, and doing my best to inch closer to being done with room construction.

Last Tuesday I spent all day long- 5:30 am to about 7:30 pm completing the majority of the electrical needs for the new rooms. Anger, worry, and frustration got me started so early, and pure determination kept me moving.

I ran a new line for the 5 sockets/recepticals on the new wall, and used an existing line to split off for 3 new light fixtures & 2 other recepticals. With all of our low amp gadgets and toys these days, I figured the 20amp lines would do OK with those additions, especially since the light fixtures now have LED bulbs. The new line still needs set into the breaker box, and the ceiling fan (1 of the 3 fixtures) needs mounted, but everything else is complete.

The next step was to start installing panelling. Nathan started that and Hannah did her best to help, but neither had done it before, so there were some cutting errors. So last night I did my best to solve the errors to avoid needing to replace panels, and after a brief melt-down, managed to do so. We then proceeded to finish panelling the wall & Hannah and Nathan placed 2 panels in the kids room. Things are moving along.

All that’s left to call our master bedroom (2nd master for the house now) complete is to hang 2 panels, install the ceiling fan, mount all the trim, & hang a door (or 2) in the wide doorway. Nathan & Hannah said they’d try to get trim down today, & since I work all day ( until about 7:30pm), that’s a good thing. Whatever they don’t get to, I will get another chance Monday evening.

I will again have all day Tuesday as well, so perhaps we’ll be able to finish everything for real this time. If not, we at least have enough that we can set-up for birth & baby.

I am sooo looking forward to normal and calm returning. I have found a new level of functional exhausted that I previously thought was impossible; having had periods of functional exhausted several times in my life I thought I’d already experienced my limits. Yet, this time I have a more finite time frame to exist in this manner, and knowing the end is near and time off will be available, I keep persisting. All will pay off soon.

And now for the pictures…

Last view I showed in my previous post:

Hannah assembling our new bed… Nathan helped but stopped to snap a pic.:

Panelling in progress, with electrical already in place (apparently no one snapped a picture of me doing the electrical, or the end result):

Pregnant Me hanging panels:

New wall panels completed (outside & inside):

The dusty dingy look is the sawdust on the panels & it’ll wash of easily. It looks great & will look perfect once trim is up over cracks & ceiling/floor borders.

I will have something pretty for the first time in 2 years and I’ll have running water again. I honestly owe it to my personal faith in god and working with the Shiva & KaliMa archetypes these last 2 years. I asked for help in making things pretty again and the divine is doing just that. I’m ever so grateful. Everything is going to be OK and life is improving. Thank you. Siva hir su.

Spinning like a top.

Tonight I write as I work on drifting to sleep. The goal to empty my head, to calm my mind, so that I can sleep.

I feel at the moment as though my head is spinning as fast as a dradel.

This month I’m on a ride, I think I dove straight into that fast spinning vortex Abraham talks so much about, and I’m definitely holding on for the ride to resume normal.

Quick recap of previous bumps: depression cycles, miscarriage, Anya succumbing to depression, losing my mind thrice over with manic in between, sinus infection taking me down a notch, and discovering I’m actually still pregnant with the other “twin” 8 weeks along.

Oh, but it gets better. After yesterday’s news, I asked my one building if they were still interested in having me in their team. They had given me a sort of impromptu walk in interview last week when I went to do my regularly scheduled chair massages. They responded that the position might have been filled and send my resume anyway.

I received the call at 9am that the position was mine if I wanted it, I gave a tentative yes. By 10am I’d filled Nathan in, and confirmed my acceptance to start on the 22nd.

 By noon I’d rescheduled most but not all of my massage work. I have 2 buildings left to permanently reschedule, and 2 individuals will likely get permanently dropped. Everything else I found homes for in my new schedule. And I still managed to complete most of today’s actual originally intended work.

The new schedule starting the 22nd will be full 10 hour work days Thursday through Monday. 1 half Tuesday per month, & Wednesday’s will likely end up filled, but only half for work (pm will still be family activities).

So I’ll essentially be working 6 long days a week. While pregnant, and yes the new job knows I’m expecting. They really, really wanted me.

It felt really nice to have a respectable employer want me that much. It validated my thoughts about my mad skills.

The pay is lower than hoped, but Nathan pointed out I was interviewed on the spot before I submitted a resume, which generally speaks to how highly they regard me. In addition, they’ve already pointed out that within 6 months I could work toward increases equal to half again the base/starting rate, potentially reaching over 15 an hour. Plus it has benefits, and I could keep all of my massage work that I chose to.

It was just really, really easy and very convenient, with perfect timing. I couldn’t have asked for a better solution for the moment (exception being winning a lottery jackpot).

 I spent the rest of the day thanking the Lord/God/Shiva/Jesus & the divine in general.

I’ve already broached moving back to the city, or at least much much closer with Nathan. He understands my concerns especially with being pregnant and now working so much. He’s not fighting me, but we need to discuss and work out an agreement on details. I’m hoping that as we do that, something will show itself equally easily.

We’re suddenly in this space of knowing that every time we make a specific request it’s like we get a very direct, very easy response from the divine.

At this point I’m just doing my best to keep up, still needing to invoice, finish paperwork for Anya to see someone, and now tomorrow fill out new hire paperwork, plus a dozen odds and ends that we’d intended a while ago.

Oh, that was the other thing. I mentioned ages ago that I thought I was being nudged to get passports in order. I thought at that time Anya’s was in our fire box with her birth certificate. Apparently the grandma still had it from the trip to Brazil before her mom died. I had no idea. But the divine did and somehow solved the problem. Grandma literally gave us the expired passport with the money to renew it when she brought Anya back Tuesday. None of us asked, but poof, exactly what was needed.

See what I mean. Hang on for the ride and do your best to keep up. That’s all. Everything else is just falling into place. 

The only one I’m waiting for is my friend to show up, I keep seeing him looking out a plane window. I don’t know when, he hasn’t said anything to me, but I know it’s soon. It makes me happy to think of it.

And on that note, I’ll drift off to sleep thinking happy thoughts of new homes and cute boys showing up out of nowhere.

I believe in miracles.

” If you stumble about believability, what are you living for? Love is hard to believe, ask any lover. Life is hard to believe, ask any scientist. God is hard to believe, ask any believer. What is your problem with hard to believe?” – Yann Martel

Thank you Logical Quotes Daily Blog http://www.logicalquotes.com

I believe in all of those things, and acknowledgement of that this morning left me with a wonderful sense of anything is possible. Anything truly is possible because I have participated in the greatest miracles. I have been through experiences that leave a knowing of those 3 elements of existence.

Love (and Life):

I loved Nathan when he was married and dating other women at the same time. I didn’t at the time see how I could possibly fit into that already complex picture, but I loved him none-the-less.  I could never have foreseen the chain of events that eventually led to me being a significant part of his life, let alone me being his legal wife. I just knew I loved him. So much so, that I once got accused of being his stalker (by the wife and girlfriend) and had to dial back my affections. Eventually it all worked out. The wife left of her own accord and the girlfriend became so oppressive that Nathan chose to end that relationship. I was hesitant to reassert my affections at that point, knowing all he’d been through, but at this point 14 years later, I’m so glad I did. I still to this day love him and feel the miracle of love daily, and our life together has had enough challenges to know that our love will always win. We’ve mastered the “for worse” and “poorer”, I look forward to mastering the “for better” and “richer”.

I love his daughter. She was not mine to love, as I did not give birth to her. I had no reason to love her, and it screamed of potential disaster for me (my parents even tried to warn me against it). There were so many possible ways that I could have ended up hurt for loving that child. Yet I did, and still do. She’s an amazing girl and I’m so grateful for that miracle in my life.

I love Ian. I think a mother always loves her children, even when life might cause less than desired circumstances (loss, adoption, etc.). However, I loved Ian so much more intensely than I could have imagined. He’ll be 3 in about a month, and I still look at him at times and start crying purely from the sheer joy of the love I have for him.  He is the one of the biggest miracles in my life. He is not only a miracle of Love for me but also the miracle of Life. I participated in a truly miraculous set of events that culminated in the birth of a very healthy, beautiful, and super-smart baby. I could never have foreseen the things I’d need to do to make that happen, I only knew I wanted a water birth and would do anything necessary to make sure it was so. The beautiful joyful blissful experience that it was, left me in awe. It also solidified for me how much a miracle of life I had participated in. Perhaps that is why I feel love for my dear Ian so intensely to this day. He is very much a double miracle for me.

I love the man that I have absolutely no reason to love. This is probably the most intense example of love as a miracle for me. There is no reason. None. He’s not even in the same region as I am right now, and perhaps may never be. Yet I love him just the same. I think I have an inkling of how mom’s feel when their kids go away to college in a distant place. Yet, he’s not my child. He’s not my flesh and blood. He’s given me very little reason to love him. I still have yet to meet him, and possibly never will. With all of that said, I know for certain that my love for him is a miracle. There is no logical reason or explanation, yet I feel it as intensely as with Nathan and Ian. It is truly a miracle, and one that I relish and cling to.

mir·a·cle [ˈmirək(ə)l] NOUN

  • a highly improbable or extraordinary event, development, or accomplishment that brings very welcome consequences
  • a surprising and welcome event that is not explicable by natural or scientific laws and is therefore considered to be the work of a divine agency
  • an amazing product or achievement, or an outstanding example of something


I have seen God(s) aspects. I have had visions. I “hear” and feel things I can not explain. I have felt the presence and I have experienced external environmental things that could not be explained fully or satisfactorily by science. I do believe that God works miracles in my life. It may not always be on my chosen timeline, I may be a spoiled brat demanding things of my divine parents at times, but I do acknowledge that I sense and believe in that presence in my life. I am a believer.


Having had all of these experiences. Having first hand accounts of the miracle of love 4 times over. Having first hand accounts of the miracle of life. Having first hand accounts of divine miracles. I do believe in all of them. I believe them with all of my being. I’m not christian, I’m not any one of the Formalized Religions. Yet I do believe these things.

So, I’m left with believing, though it may seem difficult on the surface or to others, really isn’t difficult for me. So then I must acknowledge all things are possible. All things really are possible with a little belief. So, I just need to focus there. If I focus on that fact: I believe in love, I believe in the miracle of life, I believe in the divine; then I can believe in anything. I can believe in and eventually see any miracle I wish. Anything really is possible. Anything can happen.

And after a great night’s sleep in a beautiful home with wonderful air-conditioning, I’m very much looking forward to miracles in my life. Many, many wonderful, beautiful, amazing miracles.

To quote my friend:

Everyone has a sunny day when things will be bright…. it’s just time.


Yes, yes it is. It’s time.