Tag Archives: believing

Put up or shut up.

I still have energetic junk plaguing my family and my home in a quite cyclical fashion. I suspect I know which partie(s) are causing it, but I’m not 100% certain.

I have however, gotten really good at shutting it down and blocking it after the fact though. What I can’t seem to block, Nathan can and does repeatedly.

Yesterday I had scream fest over it, alone in the van, on the way to work. I was blasting the source with a message of “if you’re not going to help then leave me the eff alone, I’m already doing it on my own, and you’re just making it harder.”

On one hand, good for me, makes me even stronger every single time I win. On the other hand it’s keeping me from the easy route which at this point I have more than earned, a dozen times over.

It amazes me that a couple/few individuals so insecure in themselves, can be hung up on me, allowing jealousy or whatever-stupid-reason to be fodder for regular energetic fixation in the most negative of ways.

I am getting stronger. I am getting more confident. I am able to keep my vibration higher most of the time, and even these energetic attacks only distract me briefly at this point. I am healing and growing and learning.

She-Ra was excellent inspiration, and I’m glad I revisited the show of my youth. It has only helped me with the here and now. I can’t begin to explain the number of ways I have put that inspiration to good use, and I am energetically kicking ass these days. (Which in all honesty I wasn’t doing half bad before.)

Beyond that, I’m not really the vengeful sort, but I am very aware of all of the energetic ways to ensure this non-sense ends. If push comes to shove I will invoke any means necessary to end this stupid game of theirs. I know God would both understand, and accept my request for forgiveness, to ensure my family is safe and secure.

So let this be fair warning to them. If they continue to cause problems and distractions, they will be bound energetically. That would make their lives extra difficult and possibly even emotionally painful, and I would hate to see it come to that.

God supports me and knows that it is time for the negativity to end completely, by whatever means are necessary. I count myself blessed that I understand how to do that without ever laying a finger on anyone or anything, except maybe some clay and a candle.

Of course, there are easier ways. They couldĀ  simply tell the truth and come clean. Or… They could completely let go of me, whatever they think of me, what they think I should do or not, their desires centered around me, etc. It’s obvious that something about me is causing another person or people grief, anger, frustration, etc., and they are looping something fierce. They really should just address their brain needing to loop onto the topic of me. With the millions of things to think about, just let go of me.

Hell, my older brother used to turn water on to drip just to drive me nuts. I learned quick how to ignore it, but in this moment maybe dripping water could help them ignore me. Or clouds in the sky, or cars on the road, or music. There is literally an infinite array of options anyone can use to distract themselves. If all else fails, there’s even mantras you can say or think repeatedly. ‘Om Shanti’ means “All that is be peace” – use the sanskrit or English version, either one will get your brain off of me and onto peace.

Of course, I recommend everyone repeat that mantra as much as possible. Regardless of language used, it definitely does help bring world peace. The more people chanting with focused mental stillness, the higher our planetary vibration becomes and the better we all get to experience. I would love to see more of that.

Anyway, the source of the negativity either needs to make good in reality with full truth, honesty and disclosure, or leave me the eff alone and let me slowly chip at making my world better with one less obstacle. If neither of those happens willingly from their end, I will shut them up energetically. I sense a binding coming on.


May you be energetically sovereign and mostly dwell in high vibrations. May your days go smoothly and have a steady flow of positive interactions both physically and energetically. May you know God supports you in all that you do. May you know you are healing and getting stronger. May you know you are learning all that you need to know. May everything bring you a sense of divine timing and God force guiding you to all you desire. May you know that God loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Multifidus

What are Multifidus?

Multifidus muscle (musculi multifidi) Multifidus is a group of short, triangular muscles that along with the semispinalis and rotatores comprises the transversospinal group of deep back muscles. They are the thickest muscles in the transversospinal group, and are shorter than semispinalis, but longer than rotatores.

Erector spinae and multifidus The erector spinae muscles produce the extensor force needed for lifting, whereas the segmental extensors, primarily the multifidus muscle, provide stabilization of individual lumbar motion segments

Beyond muscles, I thought it was appropriate terminology for linking together multiple elements of which one finds support, stabilization and overall functionality. That is why I chose to start my blog with that name today.

I have found myself pondering many things this week, and their link is me. They are all elements of my life that I string together into one functional cohesive whole, moving together for a greater good. They give me support through learning lessons and being able to see my own skills and progress. Without any one of them my metaphorical spinal column would collapse.

There was the strep throat, which once I got the PA to pull her head out of fraidy-cat and do her job, quickly began subsiding. It’s amazing how an antibiotic and Prednisone script when utilized properly for the appropriate disease works wonders. I went from not being able to eat or drink hardly at all for 2 solid days; to now I have a tiny tickle that makes me cough occasionally, and a couple rough patches in my throat that haven’t fully healed. I was less concerned about the lack of eating as I have already been eating minimally for a while. But the dehydration began to set in fast and by the time I actually saw the PA I’d already gotten chapped lips and my skin on my hands was cracking and peeling. If I’d have gone another day without enough water I’d have been wasting a hospital bed just because of lack of fluids. I’m just glad I got through to her and managed to get a proper solution.

During my short strep journey my mom visited. In fact it really was nearly the same 5 day stretch. She was not really concerned about catching what I had since we’d both had strep before. I love my mom. We had long talks about a lot of things. I really appreciate all the good things I gained from her. I realized that she has had a hard time fighting her own demons and that has left her feeling like she didn’t do right by me. I did my best to explain that there wasn’t anything she could have done differently and that though there are some things I’m still trying to change about myself- mostly from dad, and I truly appreciate all the good qualities I gleaned from her. She’s my mom and I love her.

While she was here she cuddled with kitties which I know made her miss her departed Rusty and Fuzzy. I miss those cats too sometimes. She also made friends with Zen. It was adorable.

She also spent many hours sitting on our porch swing watching birds and butterflies in our yard. I have a few thistles we let blossom to dry for tea, and the goldfinches, hummingbirds and butterflies simply love them.

Kansas City is still not normal functionality for many things and my mom loves gardens. So my solution, for being under par myself and not being able to do normal things, was to do a driving tour of the city with stops at a couple of the gardens. We went to Jacob Loose park for their beautiful rose gardens and then to Kaufman Gardens, both of which are free and open year round, though prettiest in May to early July. Anya climbed trees and tried to encourage Ian to try as well. It was good fun. We all had a good time and everyone benefitted from some calm fun in the sun.

After our day of sunshine and flowers, I drove mom home to Iowa. I was sad to have to let her go, and I sincerely hope it is not the last time I see her. I know she feels like she has lived a full life and she tells me over and over that she is ready to go home. She says her body hurts frequently and she’s just looking forward to seeing her divine family. We have a genetic heinze-57 mix in our family, but heavy on Irish, Scottish and English. However, mom talks about her dreams of her Irish family and her true love she never found in this life, even having dreams of her horse. I told her I can sympathize and told her of my dreams where I was Quan Yin and Shiva (that brought up a whole discussion of beliefs in reincarnation and how sometimes I feel like I get judged unfairly for cultural strip mining.) Regardless, I appreciate our long conversations and hope there will be more of them. There are some things I still don’t tell my mom, because I simply just know she wouldn’t understand. Her relationship history has not been good, and elements of it leave me knowing she would not understand polyamory. I don’t think she would be mad or upset, just that she is in the state of misunderstanding where you can’t believe that someone would willingly want to do something. So I don’t talk about it, but we do find plenty of other things to talk about. It made for the almost 300 miles back to her home in Iowa much less painful.

On the drive though I was sad to see how much damage the derocho did as it passed through Iowa. The entire I-80 corridor had major damage and it stretched for miles and miles both north and south of 80. Mom was saying that originally they estimated a third of the crops were devastated, but as the damaged plants have dried, they are now suspecting half of the crops are lost. Harvest will begin early to glean how badly everything was damaged. I’m finding myself glad over the fact that I have not consumed corn or soy for a long while now, and that even my meat consumption is lower. The 4 states that were devastated by the storms are all in the top 10 of corn and soybean producers. That means that next year the hogs and cows will have less feed and the myriad of products made from corn and soy will all be much more costly and possibly more scarce. Something I simply will not need to worry about. It does concern me for the rest of the country though.

Anyway, some of the devastation was so intense I just had to try and snap picture as we passed. It may be hard for the untrained eye, so I’ll give you a couple internet images of healthy fields and trees first. The first two are just what a healthy corn crop looks like from the side, 3rd is those healthy fields on a tree line, and last is a healthy soy crop.

Next are the images I managed to snap from the car- sorry for the window glare. What you’ll see: Entire lines of trees with their leaves ripped off, entirely or much more sparse than usual. Corn fields flattened directionally, corn fields with few stalks standing and those are ripped bare; soy fields with huge swaths of brown damaged plants; trees fallen by the thousands many still being cut into usable wood for alternate purposes.

What I didn’t catch was all the businesses and homes with major damage. There simply was too much for me to document properly on my short drive. It is a bit sad for me because I know a much different Iowa and it will take years for the trees to fully recover. Businesses and homes will be rebuilt quickly, a matter of weeks to months and insurance will do its job. Crops will be harvested to the best of their abilities, and there will be an impact, but Iowa farmers have always done good to utilize as much as possible, so if they can salvage they will. What they can’t salvage insurance will cover in the short term and long term people will adjust as needed. We will get through this as much as any disaster.

What it all did do was give me something to shift my focus to gratitude and to see what I do have. Ultimately I spent the rest of my drive back to my home focusing on the good things and seeing that my Atira really is here. It’s not as I have dreamed all these years, but it is here and it’s close enough. I had a solid knowing that I am good enough and my dreams did matter.

My big shiney Atira dome home, for a big poly family, well it’s me and Nathan, kids and pets, in a 3 bedroom ranch in Kansas City. But there is hope for more, and always room to grow.

My mom isn’t in a little dome on the back 40, no she’s in a little brick quad-plex in rural Iowa. But she wouldn’t have had upkeep either way, and she has the peace and quiet in nature that I always wanted to give her. She is mostly content, and though I can’t walk to see her, it’s not really that long or painful of a drive.

My grumpy ass dad that wasn’t even supposed to be at Atira still got to visit and see that all his demeaning behaviors made me a better person than he. Plus he’s being cared for by my sister whom, even without any experience, is probably the better candidate to meet his desires and outdated beliefs.

My business park is really just the clinic; and my significant-other business partners, well they’re not-so-significant-others. Despite having thought the one chiropractor had lots of potential with the energetic connection, I’ve come to terms that it probably won’t go anywhere. And the office manager is a kind hearted woman like my mom, that wants to understand and be helpful, but sometimes just needs others to be understanding for her and her concerns. The both have my heart in much different ways than my dreams of Atira had implied. No less significant though.

My temple is my basement and no gatherings have been accomplished because of Covid. This too will pass.

My affordable, very capable, mechanic that can fix anything is a good man in Merriam.

My stores are scattered all over the metro area.

My Atira community is really another companies’ retirement home that has wonderful people working and living in it. I’m glad that my skills are still of service to them.

My festival grounds are our old stomping grounds out at Camp Gaea, and those too have been put on hold due to Covid. You know if it’s clothing optional, that masks won’t be worn either.

My studio space is a corner of our bedroom, and Nathan’s darkroom is the spare small room in the basement. Our gallery is still manifesting.

And Nathan. He is my everything. He wasn’t supposed to be, there were supposed to be others to share the load. But Nathan does his best. He’s my love, my children’s father, my parent on duty, my home educator, my house husband, my resident photographer, my high priest, my magician, and would-be Gardner. He does everything I ask, mostly in appropriate timing and with little to no complaint. He even finally figured out how to help with income and for that I’m so very grateful. I am mostly amazingly grateful for him in my life, especially since the challenges have begun to subside.

My Atira is here. It’s not perfect and doesn’t match my dreams of many years passed, or designs exactly, but most of it has a current usable manifestation. I am grateful for seeing it come together. I am grateful to see that I do have mad skills and I am enough. I have created a world that I am mostly okay with and I am finally beginning to enjoy. One day maybe I’ll have a more accurate version in comparison to my dream scape, but for now I will enjoy the version I do have. I will continue to help others as I am able, but I now have a sense of things having shifted. I no longer owe anything to anyone. I have done my duties and met all requirements imposed upon me. I am free to be me and enjoy my life in whatever way I choose. Now I get to figure out that means. What is fun for me and how do I want that to play out. Can my spread out sprawling Atira Jr become the compact concise community of my dreams over time. That would be really nice. For now I just get to focus on the fun parts. There are so many fun things I want to do that shouldn’t be too hard.

May you see your journey and all of it’s manifestations. May you understand your place in it all. May you know all the elements of your desires are within reach and that sometimes you just need to widen your gaze. May you see those you care for as being important, regardless of how the relationship manifests. May you know that you have done all you need to do, you are whole and complete and more than enough. You are worthy in God’s eyes. May you know that you have cleared your debts and met imposed expectations. May you understand deeper meanings and reasons for everything in your experience. May you feel your way to greater understanding. May you know your own worth, strength, and knowledge. May you see how your actions benefit this world and help it to continue to function. May you find joy mostly and enjoy the ride called life.

Siva Hir Su

Lessons of unconditional

I woke this morning, having gotten to sleep in a little, and found my husband’s hand. I held his hand, still sleeping heavily he didn’t notice tears start to fall. They were tears of mixed emotions, both happy and sad.

I love my husband very much, and his greatest failure was that he loved deeply and had his heart hurt. The tears were because I was feeling the love for him and wanting to heal the hurts we both carry.

He loved several times over, and each one ended with him being in sorrow, because relationships ended in unpleasant ways. His already hurt heart, became broken when the mother of his first child left him and took their baby. The ensuing divorce and years of traveling just to see his little girl turned heartbreak into a damaged vessel. His physical heart bore the weight of the trauma in now physical ways.

When we married I tired to help him find healing, but western medicine and “disability” only seemed to make matters worse, especially financially. Yet they did keep him alive to keep trying and maybe find healing. I had hoped when his ex passed away from cancer, that full custody would help heal his wounds. It seemed to help, but his heart turned to focus on his inability to support.

Subsequent children were similar. Reasons to love and live, but more reasons to doubt himself and his abilities and role.

Now we both are seeing our own flaws and doing our best to heal internal emotional wounds. We have hope. God seems to be trying to guide us to real healing. We keep seeing how we are hindering ourselves and allowing ourselves to continue to carry hurts. Because of inspired interactions, following the rabbit hole, we are gaining understanding.

For me, I see his journey and its connection to my health concerns. I know they are linked, even more than appears on the surface. I know that I feel like I let him down further: I bore children for him out of love, and even though I didn’t leave; each pregnancy broke me emotionally, taxed my system too much, and caused similar traumas. Additionally, I want to love like he has, but I’m afraid of getting hurt. I want to experience polyamory in it’s fullness, but I’m afraid that I will lose sight of the unconditional aspect and allow myself further hurts. Our previous failed relationships have already hurt enough, I’m afraid to really allow what I want to arrive. I let doubt and fear and frustration over my own failures cloud the path to better. The fears obscure my solutions.

It is layers upon layers and I unravel one layer to have another appear. Ultimately I just want that full healing solution for us both.

I know part of that is I need to SEE us both healed.

I want to see him like when he was younger. Virile, strong, slender, passionate and healthy in many ways. He worked hard and did his best, but still had fun. That was the man I fell for, the one before the heartache, before his wife and girlfriend left.

At the same time I want to see myself as I’ve never been. Healthy, completely well, slender and strong. I want my skin to shrink, especially where I’ve lost weight, and be just like the firm beautiful skin that I have on my arms and back. The thoughts of those elements feels good, but I’m having trouble seeing it as a whole me.

I explained to Nathan and another friend, that I have two distinctly different mental images. In my mind I see the fat woman I have been for so long, since I was about 13. Then there is that mental image of Shiva. Slender, strong, but most definitely a man. That divine image/energy has helped me through many difficulties and helped me be strong when I thought I couldn’t. It helped me support a family on my own, and find masculine energy when it was needed. Yet it isn’t the slender woman I want to be. So I have this strange dichotomy. Two drastically different images, one doesn’t match my gender and the other doesn’t match my very slowly shrinking body.

Pile on top of that a sense I’ve had for decades that the real me is trapped inside this heavy body. I sometimes have a sense of tunnel vision like wearing a huge stuffed costum.

How does one see their loved one in the best light when there is a decade of less than desired memories? How does one see oneself as a slender very healthy looking woman when there are 3 decades of the opposite and two drastically different mental images?

I know it is a lesson of unconditional. Abraham has been doing their best to guide me and remind me frequently. I know I feel my vortex often and I want to allow the things I know are there. Again I find myself in the catch of not being a monk, someone with nothing but time to meditate.

I know there are loving partners in my vortex. I know at least one or two people of my previous energetic connections are likely to circle back around, either as their original selves or a God given substitute. I know that it is possible for both Nathan and I to find our ideal wholely healed selves. I know it is possible for us both to look and feel good. I know that we can have our both moments and all the things we desire.

It is my responsibility to find my unconditional loving self more frequently and find a way to SEE all of it. That alone is what is needed to allow all of my desires. I know I have done it before, and I know I can do it with this too. It may just take more practice on these subjects. I’m willing to give it my best, and I hope the divine will continue to help me reach for these things. I do look forward to figuring it out and seeing the manifestations match my thought forms. Hopefully I will master these elements more quickly than previously manifested aspects.

May you find a way to your unconditional self. May you love your potential and your already manifested progress. May you find a way to SEE what has previously been difficult. May you know you are in the right track. May you have the ability to focus only on the positives. May you enjoy life more than not. May you sense your vortex mostly and be unbothered by “reality”. My you understand bending reality and see there is no spoon. May you know God is doing their best to help you with all of it.

Siva Hir Su