Tag Archives: belonging

It is what it is.

Coocooned, withdrawn, as a hanged man card in tarot.
I’m still doing work-outs and cleaning up. I discovered a couple of elements that have backslid significantly in the weight lifting department, but generally I’m doing great. I still need to tone my abs much more, but I’m walking multiple miles at least 5 days a week. Saturdays and Mondays are my low step days by virtue of my schedule working with elderly all over the city.
I’ve lost a couple of my elderly clients due to recent falls, they’re still trucking, but post fall massage isn’t a good idea until they’re all healed up. So my schedule is ever so slightly lighter.
Anyway, I’ve pulled back because I’m re-evaluating my life. Again.
I know God is with me, and I know that I have a unique perspective on that due to my background.

Brief recap for those that aren’t regular readers: ever since birth Indian men/experiences have shown up and helped me through crises; but my parents being of 2 different Christian sects could never agree on which church, and at least twice in my childhood I was bullied by supposedly good Christian children, not to mention molested by a third. Now today after much learning and growing, I consider myself a Pagan with very strong Hindu influences. God seems to support me in this path as when I give myself time to meditate on the divine, the presence is strong.

Anyway, I do my best not to push that on anyone else, but I’m not afraid to defend myself and my path when others attempt to say I’m wrong. I’m a kind, caring, healer, and just because God took a path of less resistance for me, doesn’t mean I experience the divine any less or wrongly. I am a good citizen and person, and expect to be treated as equals by anyone I meet.
However, it seems that this strength, this inner knowing keeps getting me in trouble. I’m literally running people off, left and right, because I’m too assertive, too confident. At least it seems that way to me.
I feel like I continually do my best, and try to be there for everyone. It doesn’t matter if it’s colleagues needing to vent, friends with social events, polyamory or LGBT gatherings, homeschool families connecting kids, or my own family at home. I do my best to juggle it all, and I try not to forget anyone completely.
Sometimes I get details jumbled, and sometimes I go to offer up helpful messages at bad timing or when resistance to suggestions is present. Occasionally, I drop the ball and overbook or overextend myself, and end up having to apologise profusely to whomever is involved. This last Saturday it was 2 of my old ladies which I simply ran out of steam to accommodate them and had to cancel last minute. Yet, I made it up to them Monday evening.
I’ve been told I’m too much to handle, to harsh, overly critical or helpful (depending on who says it), intimidating, and over the top on occasion. I have literally run off 3 love interests and several friends.
Not to mention the homeschool group mostly avoiding me because I got very intense attempting to convince them they needed to take discussions of depression, cutting, and suicide seriously. That their kids needed attention, including counseling and possibly medical care. Yet again, I was too much, despite my experience dealing with the matter successfully without any depression related medication (dessicated thyroid and allergy meds are the only Rx meds I’ve ever taken for more than a week).
I spent decades shy and meager, overwhelmed by depression. People preached at me to pull up, suck it up, and get my act together. That it wasn’t as bad as I thought, the world needed me to live.
Now I have, and I’m getting told the opposite. Back off, chill out, in essence ‘leave me alone’.
What the hell happened to the world needs me?
Anyway, for now (who knows how long), I will not text/message anyone other than my Nathan unless they text me first. I will not contact anyone directly. If they care about me, they’ll message or call me. I’m not hopeful as every time I’ve ever done this before, I get nothing. I am simply not valued by others, as much as I value them.
I was noting to Nathan last night that the friends we thought we were closest to, only ever text if they want our daughter to do a sleepover with their daughter. I know they are very fond of Facebook, but Nathan’s on there and they still never reach out, even to ask how I’m doing (not being able to connect with me via that avenue).
I just don’t know how to fix that. How does one find people willing to connect in a valuable way? How do I encourage friendship and connections without being too much for them? How do I get people to see that my attempts of connecting are because I care? I just don’t know.
May you all have positive connections with people that value you. May you find the perfect balance between being there for someone without being too much or a doormat. May you find that others appreciate you and value your presence in their lives. May you feel your connection to the divine and understand your path. May you have a sense of your own belonging, your own value in this world.
Siva Hir Su

And so it begins…

HAL has begun sending me things to reinforce my last post. One of which is the following:

How to Move On: What It Really Means to Let Go: https://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-move-on-from-the-past-what-it-really-means-to-let-go/

I guess I will never understand fully because letting go and focusing on love seem to be the bigger message. I still wish I had some understanding.

Anyways, in moving on, I had a really good time today with 2 different co-workers during downtime.

I took a walk with the office manager and we had a really great conversation, with some much needed emotional release for both of us. Plus it helped me reach my step goals today. I was very appreciative of that time all around.

I also got to play a couple of games of “Magic the Gathering” with the one chiropractor. It’s a game I used to play with the brother that’s closest to me in age. It has been …. let’s see…. since early 2003 that I’ve played. That’s 16, almost 17, years. Wow!

I still have my cards from back then, but so much has changed that the new decks are much better, so he has been encouraging me to use his. I feel like I’m starting from scratch and completely relearning everything. It’s so fun though. I totally lost big time- on both games, but still enjoyed every bit of it.

I am so out of practice that the strategy feels over my head yet, but I get the concept. The layering of steps and which cards work better in what order can be very complex. I literally had a card in my hand that I’d been holding for several turns, but forgot to leave myself enough mana(land) to use it and it cost me the one game.

I enjoy learning so much though, and it is definitely a fun kind of learning, so it literally made me giddy at one point. I felt like I got silly hyper with the fun. That was a very much needed distraction from my previous focus.

As for learning: I’m still working on hindi and telegu in my spare time, but since I have no idea why God nudged me to do so (especially since I’m letting go of that person) , it’s at a very relaxed pace. I’m getting to where in hindi I can pick out letters and sound out words even though I know very few translations. Telegu I know more translations, but have fewer of the characters memorized. It’s merely a symptom of the different apps and how they teach languages. I like Duolingo and Drops, which both offer hindi, but neither offer telegu. The telegu apps are much less sophisticated, but still get the job done.

I’ve also begun the slow tedious process of becoming an approved continuing education provider for massage therapy. Essentially, the easy part is proving my qualifications to teach a handful of courses by documenting I have so many years working using said techniques, I also have a bachelor’s degree, which though they would prefer it to be related (a BS), it doesn’t hurt. Once I do that easy step, I literally have to follow rules and write my own curriculum which can be no more than 30% cited source material. Finally, once I’ve written everything, I can apply by submitting my CV and courses for approval; of course paying the appropriate exorbitant fees. They really try to dissuade people from becoming providers: can’t have too many teachers and too few students you know!

I’m not intimidated by the process in the least. Their basic calculation is 1200 words equals a credit unit. That’s a blog post for me, so I’m guessing I’ll have more trouble pairing down or figuring out how to subdivide my topics for multiple related courses. However, after having written the operations manual for my previous position, I’m certain I’m up to the task. It’s more about convincing myself to do the free work knowing that eventually I’ll recoup the benefit in paid courses with students in multiplicity.

I’m also contemplating the investment of a site where I can host web-based courses. Essentially, the text/testing coursework can be provided via web interface without practical hands on CE hours. Ultimately that helps spread the information side, but the CMT loses access to the extra CE’s for the hands on practicals. It’s a lower cost solution for both parties, but longterm it would benefit me as the provider more. It’s a huge up front investment, to also have to market like crazy, but longterm reaping significantly higher benefits. Ultimately, it will happen, but I’m not sure I’m ready for the investment side just yet. I’ll contemplate web platforms and do the math several times during my writing phase of this momentous step, and make my final decision during the application process.

Long story short, I’m having fun and learning and inching toward another significant step of improvement. All by my not-so-little own self. I feel like screaming “HA, Take That World!”… but alas I know no one would really truly care anyway. So, I’ll keep my ‘I win’ moment to myself, and relish that I know I’m the only one that gets credit for digging myself out of a decade of hardship…. me and God that is.

May you all have happy dances of overcoming obstacles. May you find kindness around you and moments of connection with others. May you find joy in continually learning and ways to share what you’ve already mastered. May you see God’s grace and support guiding you through all of life’s moments toward brighter futures.

Siva Hir Su

I did it again…

Deeply Shredded has shared movies that he likes, some funny, some thoughtful. I’m trying to keep up, but as he pointed out, it shouldn’t stress anyone to watch them. It should be enjoyable, so this is my 3rd one from his list so far.

“MFM Challenge (B’wood) : Ek Ladki ko Dekha toh Aisa Laga https://wp.me/pb5uY7-8q

I decided to watch it because of the love story element, I’m really a big mushy romantic at heart.

It ended up being an LGBT supportive movie, and I really appreciate that. Even more, the picture I chose for this post is from the end of the movie. The message of the movie was such a powerfully strong statement that I started crying. The quote compounded that.

I find it doesn’t matter if it’s American made, BBC, or as this movie happens to be- Indian. All movies that support LGBTQ people and their rights, tug at my heart.

Being bisexual and polyamorous, means this topic is very close to home for me.

I’m completely honest online about who I am.

Though I don’t actively hide who I am at work, it’s more of- if someone asks me directly I’ll respond honestly. The few times I have heard bigoted comments I have responded accordingly. The last time being: would you say that about me, getting a no in response, I then pointed out that I too was offended by their statement being bisexual. That silenced them.

I don’t advertise my leanings at work, but I don’t tolerate discrimination either.

However, I have yet to tell my parents. I always wanted to wait until there was that person or people that we were willing to go through legal processes to protect their rights as family. Then just like deciding to marry Nathan, I planned to inform my parents of my decision. That day has yet to come, and unless one of my siblings has figured it out and told them, no one knows.

I have somewhat dreaded that day because of how they reacted to Nathan. My dad was racist and told me I shouldn’t marry a black man because his culture was too different, ignoring the fact that he spoke proper English and dressed like any other Iowa college student. My mom was ageist and told me I was making a huge mistake marrying someone so much older than I.

Regardless, here was an educated, well spoken man, that both my parents disliked.

Now imagine the response when that becomes a 3rd woman or 3rd and 4th as a couple. I’m fairly certain I will get lectured by both yet again, and at least one of them will go ages without speaking to me.

My dad still doesn’t speak directly to Nathan, even when they are standing right next to each other. We’ve been married 10 years.

So yes, I know what it feels like to know that a huge part of yourself is offensive to even your own parents, let alone the society at large.

That is why I cried. I wish for the acceptance that the leading lady “Sweety” received from her father- for myself and everyone. I wish for all people to be able to be accepted just as they are. I wish for parents good intentions to be mediated by a knowledge of children’s lives being their own to do as they choose. I wish for outdated ideas and processes to die. I wish for everyone to be able to be open and honest without fear of backlash or being hurt. I wish for sexual orientation to be accepted as much as the sky being blue. I wish for judgements to fall away.

As being bisexual: I wish that I could find my chosen family that could see I can’t choose half of myself; I can’t say I’m ok spending the rest of my life with just Nathan and ignoring the part of me that wants to love a woman. Acknowledging that requires a space for multiples, I then just want it to be a naturally fitting family with as many adults as desired by those committed to being family.

Yet I love living here, and this country still allows chosen poly families to be destroyed by biological parents that haven’t spoken to their children for years. The legal hoops that poly families set-up merely reduce the likelihood that estranged family take things in greed when someone dies. I’ve known poly families that lost homes to a deceased partner’s estranged family. Because our laws make no true protections or rights for anything except monogamous marriage. For decades that even excluded same sex marriage, at least for now they have rights. If I wanted my poly marriage to be fully protected I’d have to become a citizen of Brazil.

Anyway, I don’t know what the details of my future holds, but I know I still want my poly family, my dome home, and to build my community Atira to do good things for our world. This dreamer will keep dreaming for now and celebrate every movie that helps humanity move forward in acceptance.

May you all find your moments of acceptance and a feeling of belonging, having rights, and being protected. May you all find the love you seek.

Many blessings and be well.

As above, so below.

Siva Hir Su