Tag Archives: belonging

Non-institutional Faith

Préface :

What I’m about to write about is a generalization. As all such cases, it applies to many but not all of the people that fall under said umbrellas. There are always exceptions. This is merely an explanation of some of the reasons that I follow the path that I do.

I found I was drawn to writing about this topic because of working through yet more energetic junk. I’m not trying to convince anyone of anything, merely putting words to explain my choices. I’m validating my own decisions for myself because I know that these observations and decisions have helped me grow and be a better person. Whether you agree with me entirely, or not, I feel there is always something that someone might find benefit in, and utilize for their own growth and development, even if my words only stir a desire within you to examine your own choices a little more closely.

So, since I’m busy blasting holes in concepts to pave the way for solutions, I thought that this is a perfect time to include one more. And that brings me to the main event!


Faith for me became an internal dialogue at an early age because of environmental concerns and awareness, and my own direct experiences.

I have written before about traumas I suffered by other kids, older than I, and how at least one of them was connected to a family that attended my father’s church. They straight up denied that their child would do such a thing because they were such a devout family. I remember distinctly the mom telling another parent that I was a liar because her child would never do something like that. It hurt immensely because he did. I was horribly embarrassed by what he did to me on the playground, and very hurt by hearing his mother call me a liar. It was a double trauma, and made me hate the two-faced people I frequently ran into at church, be it my father’s, mother’s or friend’s churches. Sadly the Mormon churches seemed to be the most wrought with hypocrisy.

As a result, by the time I was in highschool, I was already exploring religions and beliefs. I found a brutal awareness of atrocities levied upon people in the name of God and that began to shape my choices.

See, my father is Mormon and my mother is Catholic. By the time I was starting highschool I was very aware of how both religions and several others had covered up horrible mis-deeds in an effort to save face and ultimately caused even more atrocities and traumas worldwide.

Both the Mormon faith and the Catholic faith see women as childbearers and home makers. A woman’s place is to do her duty and stay quiet. Neither faith makes any significant effort to protect it’s women or children, and frequently levied doctrine intended to keep women and children down in their place.

The Mormon faith was  saturated with arranged polygamist marriages, where fathers would sell their daughters to the highest bidder. Often the highest bidder would say they were going to protect said girl, but all too frequently the bidder was 45+ years old and the daughters were 16 to 20 (sometimes as young as 9) and consent was never sought from the girl, only the father. Once a sale was complete the owning “husband” did whatever he wanted regardless of age. Frequently the age discrepancy and polygamy eventually caught up the the old creeps and landed them in jail, but their atrocities we’re usually fairly extreme by the time law was involved.

Beyond the sale of girls and rape of child ‘spouses’, the elders of both variants of the Mormon church have regularly been scrutinized for tax evasion and other questionable business dealings. That was knowledge of my father’s faith I gleaned by the time I was in highschool.

Shortly thereafter the Catholic priests were being taken to court for their abuses of alter boys and the resulting cover-ups. In the process of learning about those atrocities I also learned of financial and political dealings of the Catholic church and how they had hoarded artwork and other precious gems/jewelry items for centuries. During World War II it did manage to protect many items that would otherwise have been lost, but now they sit in deep storage, kept from the rest of society. I was not surprised by any of that knowledge.

Women are not allowed to be leaders of either faith. The newer sect of Mormonism has allowed women to be in lower leadership roles, but never in the uppermost echelon. The Catholic faith will only allow women to become nuns, and none of the nuns make major decisions for the faith, create doctrine, or interface with the outside world beyond charitable works.

I continued my learning.

Judaism and Islam having their “Holy War” of over 2000 years, and the multiplicity of atrocities in connection with that. Islam enforcing women to stay covered blaming them for men being unable to control their dicks. The middle east being wrought with acid attacks and rape, all being levied against women. Even worse it is then blamed on them because they “asked for it by showing too much skin”.

Chinese practices prevented women from being anything other than laypersons for any of their faiths. They encouraged foot binding as a ‘sign’ of social status, and sold poor women and children into a variety of slavery including the sex-trade.

Japanese also forced women into the sex trade, and even idealized it for many women creating a vetting process for a woman to become a Gaisha. If you weren’t beautiful enough or from an esteemed family then you were sold for any number of unmentionable abuses.

Africans of a variety, forced teen girls to endure unsanitary, unsterile and hazardous female circumcision for hundreds of years. Even to this day, with modern medicine, female circumcision is still frequently carried out in homes. It leaves women unable to be a woman without significant pain and great hazards throughout their lives, often disfiguring them for life. In Africa acid torture is used on anyone they suspected of whatever they deemed deserving of such torture. When AIDS broke out they would rape babies because of a superstitious belief that it would heal them. Yet it only traumatized and infected the infant, should the infant survive.

All across the globe for centuries men have levied great atrocities on other men, women, and children. All too frequently their actions are justified by faith, their God’s word, or some doctrine intended to keep elder males in their position of power.

Because of all of this I simply could not belong to any church. All of them had blemishes on their records and none were making any great strides to rectify damages done or right wrongs. I simply could not live with myself if I chose one of them. I knew I could not contribute in any way to any of the faiths that I had learned about.

My solution was to follow the path of paganism. It is the one faith without centralized institutions and doctrine. It is the one faith that places responsibility fully on the practitioner’s shoulders. It is the one faith that to this day turns in it’s own people for misdeeds and wrong-doings. My own local awareness of camp and groups in the metro here in KC has verified that a dozen times over, everything from theft to rape and molestation. If a pagan catches another pagan doing wrong, you better bet they’re going to jail. If only we had that fortitude with charitable works.

But beyond the lack of centralized institutions and doctrine, and the efforts to hold each other accountable, paganism offers flexibility in practice.

I don’t sit in a stuffy church listening to a boring sermon every week to go home and do my best to apply what was said. No, I learned my ethics from the get-go. I learned my beliefs early.

I took what resonated from all the others, the overlapping positives of all faiths, and applied them to my life in as consistent a pattern as I can manage.

My biggest challenge is  overriding the temper I learned from my father. My second biggest challenge is time management and making sure I apply everything I know as often as possible.

I meditate as often as I can aiming for daily (and we’ve been teaching the two youngest how to do so). I do yoga as often as possible as well, but really push myself to manage at least 2 to 3 times a week. I do full &/or new moon rituals when my schedule aligns and everything works out.

The rest of my beliefs are interactive. I do my best to treat everyone with respect consistently. I utilize Reiki in my sessions whether directly requested or not. I pray for those in need and those the reach my awareness of being in some sort of struggle. I give money in a variety of ways, as I am able, from CharityWater to Harvesters to local homeless shelters and even people begging on the street.

No I am not perfect, I fail quite often. Much more often than I would like to admit, but I still try. I do my best always, aiming to accomplish good as often as I can.

I simply do what I can, when I can, and as often as possible because my overarching belief is that we are here to make the world a better place in as many ways as we are able. That isn’t something you can accomplish by going to church once a week and just paying a tithing to some institution.

Besides that, CharityWater was the first institution to make certain that individual contributions actually went directly to charitable works. They were the first, and to my knowledge are still the only organization, to cover operating expenses via generous benefactors. A handful of generous people make sure the chairty runs and their expenses are covered, and everyone else that donates are paying for the supplies and services they fund.

If every church functioned that way, you’d bet they would be less flashy and more functional on charitable works. Mega churches would become mega givers. But that’s just my opinion I suppose.

Regardless of your faith, I hope that you understand the world in a greatest, most consistent, positive impact sort of way.

Regardless of the avenue you choose, may you find your connection to God and find a way to right previous wrongs. May you know you are having a maximum positive impact on this world. May you see every deed, every interaction, every thought, every word, as an opportunity to improve our world. May you know that you are doing your best to make the world a better place. May you find ways to help the world heal our long history of atrocities. May you always reach for better. Above all may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Throuple or Quadouple?

The lyrics above, I took a screenshot of: Alan Walker’s “Faded”, has been a reoccurring song reminder of my SJ. I do often wonder if that exchange is my own personal Atlantis, and still hope it’s not.

Regardless of that reminder appearing in my day, I had originally set out to write today to discuss a new, but not really new to me, concept.

I was introduced to the word-invention: Throuple.

I got very excited because the person that explained it was a woman I’m attracted to. I was psyched that she knew of polyamory topics enough to introduce a new word to my vocabulary.

So, the word itself I’d never heard before, yet the concept is one Nathan and I have discussed many times over. Essentially, based upon my new search, it’s a variation of the family of 3 concept, started by a somewhat famous/infamous triad of two men and one woman.

Once upon a time “ménage à trois” was the French phrase that many English speaking people used to describe a man with 2 women. Literally the French phrase can mean any family of three, even 2 parents and a child. However for whatever reason it often was innuendo for a triad of adults, usually 1 man and 2 women, being intimate.

Nathan and I were labeled unicorn hunters when we intended to seek that out. After many failures, we decided to redefine our acceptable arrangements and open ourselves to more options.

Fast forward a decade and I’m sitting having a conversation with a very attractive potential mate. She proceeded to describe a Throuple as really any 3 or 4 adults, but her ideal was one or two women and two men because women are more complex than many men. We connected intensely in that conversation.

I explained to her about having been labeled unicorn hunters, and that we opened ourselves up to more options. So, even though I’d never heard the word, we had discussed for many hours over many years, our preferences and okay concessions.

I agreed with this person on most everything and a few of her points made Nathan think more deeply. My current ideal is flexible in quantity, hence creating Quadouple, even quincouple (don’t want to get it confused with the babies’ quintuple). However, I do agree with women being complex enough to need more people to meet more complex needs. Plus there is always benefit to multiples in creating flexibility. The 4 or 5 concept can be subdivided multiple ways, and in varying combinations to create a seemingly unlimited way to experience each other. {A+B+C and D+E, or A+D and B+E with C being alone, and so on.} You get the idea, lots of ways to be together or separate as each individual prefers at any given moment, and it’s not restricted to intimacy, that can even been in mundane interactions.

So yes, I was very excited to have new vocabulary for existing concepts in our experience. I haven’t been able to get that conversation out of my head, and it’s been 3 days since our Valentine’s Day date. Perhaps this is a new leaf enabling more moving forward. I’m hesitant but excited.

Bonus, the date was at a Mexican restaurant that pushed literally every allergy button while getting drunk, but I took extra allergy meds, and came through the experience in relatively good condition. I did have a fair hangover with significant inflammation, but was able to manage the effects with Advil and more allergy medicine and a good amount of detox tea. I was a bit sore in joints the following day, but managed to stay out of the hole I used to fall into.

Beyond our exciting V-Day date, I had a half day off for my family to honor me with a small pleasant birthday celebration, and spent the rest of my weekend unpacking boxes that had been in storage for years. It enabled even more beautification of our new home. It was a good few days, and I look forward to more and more enjoyable days like that.

May you all find good reminders of your hopes and connections. May you find reasons to be excited moving forward. May you find exciting validation of your goals and preferences. May you find people you are attracted to, and whom are attracted to you as well- reciprocation. May you have good dates, fun holiday cerebrating, enjoyable birthdays, and good times with family. May you feel attractive, accepted, loved, and supported. May you fall in love more than out of it. May you know God is helping and guiding you. May you feel confident in everything working out for the best. May it all always be okay.

Siva Hir Su

Loved, loving, lovable

Nathan helped me after work yesterday. We pulled cards and he helped me figure out the meaning, the story the cards told, what the hell I was feeling and experiencing.

There were 7 people, I was the center one, the other 6 were the people I had been feeling in my body all day, and as we talked over the cards I could feel which person was what spot in my body. At the end of the reading I realized that it was my birth family recreated, that each role I could relate to parents or siblings in childhood, but also to the current and recent past. It seems to this day, I love them all and just wish they got along because I love them.

My intuitive flash was that I just need to focus on the positive elements of each of the 6 roles. That they keep re-manifesting because I need to focus and put all the positives together. Yet at the same time understanding their roles in the first place to let them off the hook. They are not responsible for my happiness. I can love them without needing them to keep reappearing in my life. They only need be in my life if they want to be.

1) There’s the mature man with finances to spare, but emotions are upside down because his world was turned upside down. I still love him and hope he sees that. He was kind and soft spoken. He was commanding not because of force or volume, but because everyone knew when he spoke he had something important to contribute. He was strong and lean and healthy and easy going. He was gentle but passionate. He gave excellent back rubs and was one of the best computer programmers I knew. He had adorable wavy hair I always wanted to play with, and cute glasses. He was focused and driven with regards to his work. He was generous and loving and a good friend to everyone around him. He was super smart but also down to earth and could talk to anyone. He will always have my heart, no matter what.

2) There’s the shooting for the stars man. More mature than anyone gives credit, but because he’s shooting for the stars might be a bit overconfident in his own abilities, it makes for good learning lessons. He has stable finances, but grand ideas on how to manage them, which occasionally comes off as a bit ungrounded, but to me that’s endearing/cute. He’s also strong and passionate, and can be gentle when he wants. He’s a gentlemen when he focuses and is mindful of his touch and affect on people. He senses energy like me and wants to do the right thing, but doesn’t know how to respond when the energy is more intense than expected (I also think he’s figuring it out as he goes- just like me). He knows how to have fun and is kind to everyone. He is far more open and accepting than anyone will ever give him credit and I suspect he feels pigeonholed. He wants to be accepted for who he is as much as I do, and also has big dreams of helping people in grand ways. He’s handsome to me, especially in moments of kindness, and I appreciate that he wants to have his act together, not just look like it. I also appreciate that he has goals of fighting the good fight and being faithful in every sense of the word. He is very capable and optimistic and carefully contemplates consequences before taking action. He trusts his gut and follows his instincts well. He’s often intense, but a very deep thinker that no one notices. He’s good at whatever he desires to put his efforts into. I will love him whether he ever loves me or not. He is a good person at heart.

3) There’s the woman I’ll call my angel with broken wings. She parallels my mom, and I’ve already had this role refilled a couple of times. Overlooking victim mentality, she’s beautiful and kind. She is flexible and able to go with the flow. She’s often more solution oriented because of the problems she has faced. She is usually strong and always wants to be loved, just has a hard time seeing/receiving it. She’s a wonderful mom and intent on helping others avoid traumas she faced. She brings out the helper and healer in me. She wants everyone to feel good and feel loved. She’s a great cook and very organized. She wants to put people at ease and save them from hurts. She wants to help make the world a more beautiful place. She is sincere and good at making you feel like the center of the universe when she focuses. She’ll literally pick you up when you fall, even if it hurts herself in the process. She deserves someone that can get through her defences and give her the same in return. She’ll have my heart forever even though she never noticed she got it in the first place.

4) Mr honesty (Nathan and one of my brothers). So honest that he can’t even slant the story to make it sound better. Yet very loving and strong. He wants to be there for you as much as possible but knows his own limitations and downfalls. He is easily distracted by all that glitters as gold, but has a keen sense of what is genuine and worth keeping. His heart is true and faithful. He is more likely to let his health suffer than to avoid work or being there for his chosen family. Once he’s committed he’s all in, and for the duration of his life. He is very creative and able to solve many problems, and confident in those few things that he has taken great care to master. He is a kind and patient father and good husband. A little patience goes a long ways for seeing things through with him. He has my heart and knows it, but because he knows it, he is confident in allowing me to be me in whatever way that means, and is ready to give me a hug if I fall and hurt myself.

5) Intensely connected. He is real, and I’ve heard his voice, he’s not dead. We share the same energy stream so intensely that emotions ping pong off each other. Every emotion flows so easily through the ethers that I feel like I know him a thousand ways, and a thousand lifetimes over. He’s curious and passionate, a hard worker and with highly admirable lofty dreams of helping whole families. He’s intelligent and multilingual. He’s an engineer like my dad and one brother. He’s a dreamer like me but a bit more practical in application. Adorable, charming, open and accepting. He wants everyone to be happy and get along, and like me wants everyone to feel the loving connection. He’s willing to work on himself and keep improving. He won my heart years ago, and knows it, but doesn’t know why. I would love to explore why, but know I will find my happiness even if that doesn’t happen.

6) Known unknown, this slot is representative of my younger sibling and also the person whom is connected to Mr Intensely Connected (as felt during the reading-left side of my heart), the cards that came out could also apply to a couple of other people I’ve known. I feel them and care deeply, but there is a lot I don’t know about them.  I know by virtue of being in my bubble (my little brother being family) they are innately a good person. You don’t get years of association with good people, being raised by good people, and turn out to be that nasty. Yet, I’ve not had the luxury to fully see the way life has moulded their being into strengths and weaknesses. I get a sense that they lean toward scientific minded and chalk many things up to chance. I know my brother is honest and genuine and doing his best to leave a positive mark on this world also, so I like to think the others are similar. Honorable and relatively easy going, but compassionate even when not necessarily on the path of least resistance. The kind of person in search of their truths and able to examine things more objectively than most.

Those were the 6 people of the reading, the types that I keep re-attracting, and feeling in my body. It made sense to me. Why I was feeling them for nearly 2 days straight I’m not sure. All I know is I was being told to only focus on their good traits and let them off the hook.

So if you know you’re one of those people and you read my blog to keep up with me, I release you. I let you go. You’re not responsible for my well-being or my happiness. I only want you in my life if you want to be, but especially enough wanting to ease into finding a way to coexist with anyone else in my experience. I know I can’t make people get along, and I know that others are not responsible for my happiness. I’m willing to allow others to come and go as they need and I’m willing for others to display their affection or lack thereof in whatever ways they see fit. I am willing to let God take over the connections and help me to have my best life. I am willing to give love unconditionally because that is what God wants of me. I am willing to let go and let God.

I have experienced a knowing this week, through the help of changing energies and my finger tips. A knowing so deep that words fail, but which will last in my memory until my dieing day. A knowing simply of letting go of control can actually help things work better. It started with feeling the others, with feeling clients, continued with telling cells they can take the day off and relax, with visualizing warm sun on skin to enable relaxation, and ended with a long awaited phone call. I like this new knowing and I’m very grateful for the understanding.

May you all find a way to let go and let God. May you give your cells, your whole body, a break- let them release each other and feel sensations of things they miss. May you feel unconditional love and a knowing of your connection to God. May you understand why you keep repeating elements of your life. May you find a way to give control back to the divine. May you see all of the benefits of that in your life. May you feel blessed and divinely guided.

Siva Hir Su