Tag Archives: birthday

Ponderings

So this week has been cold as eff for Kansas City, and it’s only supposed to get worse in a few days. It means I’m in for a frigid birthday. Merh, nothing new, I’m used to it, in all my life I’ve only had 2 mild weather brithdays. I don’t mind the snow, it’s the bone chilling cold and frigid wind that gets to me.

Though as a kid I remember enjoying a few classic winter style. Snow forts and snowball fights. Sledding down manmade hills of snow and playing king of the hill once everyone got tired of climbing up and down. Hot cocoa and toddler sized personal-pan birthday cake. To be fair, all that combined, I probably ran off all the calories and some, playing in the cold winter weather. But most birthdays fell on school days, or now as an adult workdays, and they were just nothing special, especially since I never got to take them off.

My birthday is so close to Valentine’s day that I used to get jealous of all the girls that got flowers and chocolates delivered to them. Being just after Christmas, resources were always already thin, and celebrations were always small.

Now I am in a better place and I know focusing on those elements is not helpful. So, I’m going to ponder what that translates into for me.

I had thought about getting myself a She-Ra action figure from when I was a kid. It would be nostalgic, and potentially a good investment, but only if I leave it in the box. Though I can afford a figure like that right now, I’m still not convinced it’s worth it. It’s not exactly a cheap toy to buy an original in the box, but the nostalgic value would be in playing with it. It would loose it’s sentiment pretty quick if I just tucked it on a shelf away from my kids’ grasp. Yet, I don’t afford myself time to do childish things anymore, I’m too busy being responsible and acting like a boring adult. So the cost/value scale might not balance fully.

So I’ve not bought an action figure for myself, even though I kinda want to. No, instead I took the day off and booked myself a 2 hour massage session. I picked a guy near me that proclaims he does similar work, we’ll see if it’s adequate to get through 7 weeks of only having received self-care and husband-care. I’m crossing my fingers it is, especially since I told him up front what I was looking for and needing.

Beyond that, my husband is working on some sort of surprise he says. I hope so, I could really use a nice surprise. He did that a couple times before. My 21st birthday was my first actual birthday party ever and he invited all our friends at the time. Then my 35th birthday- I was reaching third trimester of pregnancy (with Katherine) and he took me to dinner with a half dozen friends and their significant others. Both were spectacular in my book, I was speechless the second time he pulled it off.

I would love for a good surprise, a happy surprise. I would love for the weather to perk up up some. I would love to enjoy a good meal, a warm treat, and some good company in addition to my family. I would love to feel like life was normal and pleasant again. I would love the universe to surprise and delight me as well. Flowers would be nice, I always like flowers. I think all flowers are beautiful, but I love ones that are growing still, or that last a long time after being cut and smell good.

I like feeling loved and wanted. I love feeling like I matter to others.

I love feeling like I look good. I love feeling beautiful. Nathan and I just did a closet purge to enable us to get new-to-us clothes that fit better and look nice. It was really nice to be able to do that, and I love some of the new items. It would be nice to be able to wear one of them and feel good for a bit.

Yet, above and beyond all of this, I know that God loves me. I feel my connection and I love how it feels. I like that feeling more than anything else, and know it doesn’t take much for me to get there anymore. I like feeling good, and between my booked massage and my ability+desire to meditate, I know I will feel good on my birthday. Anything and everything else will just be a bonus.

I am worthy and deserving of a good birthday with a wonderful surprise. I deserve to feel good and feel loved and beautiful. I know I will have a good birthday next week no matter what.

May you see what you desire. May you have wonderful birthdays. May you find ways to accommodate even decades old desires. May you have fun and find your childish side occasionally. May you know you are special and deserving of everything you want. May you always feel good. May you know that God loves and supports you in everything you do and all that you are.

Om Shanti