Tag Archives: bliss

Spinning like a top.

Tonight I write as I work on drifting to sleep. The goal to empty my head, to calm my mind, so that I can sleep.

I feel at the moment as though my head is spinning as fast as a dradel.

This month I’m on a ride, I think I dove straight into that fast spinning vortex Abraham talks so much about, and I’m definitely holding on for the ride to resume normal.

Quick recap of previous bumps: depression cycles, miscarriage, Anya succumbing to depression, losing my mind thrice over with manic in between, sinus infection taking me down a notch, and discovering I’m actually still pregnant with the other “twin” 8 weeks along.

Oh, but it gets better. After yesterday’s news, I asked my one building if they were still interested in having me in their team. They had given me a sort of impromptu walk in interview last week when I went to do my regularly scheduled chair massages. They responded that the position might have been filled and send my resume anyway.

I received the call at 9am that the position was mine if I wanted it, I gave a tentative yes. By 10am I’d filled Nathan in, and confirmed my acceptance to start on the 22nd.

 By noon I’d rescheduled most but not all of my massage work. I have 2 buildings left to permanently reschedule, and 2 individuals will likely get permanently dropped. Everything else I found homes for in my new schedule. And I still managed to complete most of today’s actual originally intended work.

The new schedule starting the 22nd will be full 10 hour work days Thursday through Monday. 1 half Tuesday per month, & Wednesday’s will likely end up filled, but only half for work (pm will still be family activities).

So I’ll essentially be working 6 long days a week. While pregnant, and yes the new job knows I’m expecting. They really, really wanted me.

It felt really nice to have a respectable employer want me that much. It validated my thoughts about my mad skills.

The pay is lower than hoped, but Nathan pointed out I was interviewed on the spot before I submitted a resume, which generally speaks to how highly they regard me. In addition, they’ve already pointed out that within 6 months I could work toward increases equal to half again the base/starting rate, potentially reaching over 15 an hour. Plus it has benefits, and I could keep all of my massage work that I chose to.

It was just really, really easy and very convenient, with perfect timing. I couldn’t have asked for a better solution for the moment (exception being winning a lottery jackpot).

 I spent the rest of the day thanking the Lord/God/Shiva/Jesus & the divine in general.

I’ve already broached moving back to the city, or at least much much closer with Nathan. He understands my concerns especially with being pregnant and now working so much. He’s not fighting me, but we need to discuss and work out an agreement on details. I’m hoping that as we do that, something will show itself equally easily.

We’re suddenly in this space of knowing that every time we make a specific request it’s like we get a very direct, very easy response from the divine.

At this point I’m just doing my best to keep up, still needing to invoice, finish paperwork for Anya to see someone, and now tomorrow fill out new hire paperwork, plus a dozen odds and ends that we’d intended a while ago.

Oh, that was the other thing. I mentioned ages ago that I thought I was being nudged to get passports in order. I thought at that time Anya’s was in our fire box with her birth certificate. Apparently the grandma still had it from the trip to Brazil before her mom died. I had no idea. But the divine did and somehow solved the problem. Grandma literally gave us the expired passport with the money to renew it when she brought Anya back Tuesday. None of us asked, but poof, exactly what was needed.

See what I mean. Hang on for the ride and do your best to keep up. That’s all. Everything else is just falling into place. 

The only one I’m waiting for is my friend to show up, I keep seeing him looking out a plane window. I don’t know when, he hasn’t said anything to me, but I know it’s soon. It makes me happy to think of it.

And on that note, I’ll drift off to sleep thinking happy thoughts of new homes and cute boys showing up out of nowhere.

To float.

My moment now. 

I have contemplated taking a hiatus from my blog, from a lot really. I’ve been over thinking things I think, or at least over wording them.   

With all my oscillating I’ve spent a significant amount of time meditating and doing things to redirect and pull my vibration back up. It has caused some hermitage on my part.  My posts of late have been much shorter and to the point as a result. 

AND that’s okay. 

Today and yesterday have been mostly good for me,  but it seems that be it collective consciousness vibrations or actual astronomical effects,  there seems to be a special intensity happening.  It seems every time I get even the slightest negative it amplifies quickly and seems to cause nearly immediate not-so-good manifestations.  On the flip side when I stick to the positive, I’m still noticing the amplitude and quick manifestations as well.  So, I’ve done my level best to focus that way, and been mostly successful.

Today,  I started groggy & slow, stressed a bit about running a few minuets late.  Then my 1st lady was in the hospital and 2nd lady decided to skip today.  So I took 20 and readjusted my vibration.  The rest of the day went better, but I’m down 2 more residents,  so work ended up being short & sweet. I’ve refocused several times to acknowledge my work has always had ebbs and flows in quantity of residents & resulting appointments,  and there’s usually not really that much time in an ebb. It’ll all be okay.

I listened to Hicks on  a 20min “lunch” break,  and now that I’ve finished up at my building, I sit in contemplation in the beautiful weather. I know I have 1 more,  an apartment home visit,  but I’m am hour ahead of schedule,  so I’m taking half of it for me, which will still put me ahead of schedule. 

I currently feel very good.  Like anticipating hearing very good news,  though I have not a stitch of evidence to validate it. BUT that’s okay too.

I’m simply doing my best to stay with that feeling, and allow anticipation. I have short moments of anxiety because I don’t know what I’m anticipating,  and really I have no idea what I’m going to do next (in the grander game of life meaning).  I have moments of feeling lost and like I should be doing something.  Shouldn’t I be acting more?! My brain keeps nagging me with that.  Then I pause and refocus… just stay with the good feelings at all costs… anticipation is good,  happy is good… good feelings precipitate good things. That’s my ultimate goal, the good manifestations of my vortex,  already chaulk full of amazing requests, I’ve just got to allow it all in. AND that means feeling good at all costs. 

So,  10 min remaining of sunshine and breezes and mindfullness, before heading to my last appoinment. That is good…. and here comes Woofy, one of the resident’s dogs. 

Super friendly and always happy to receive a pet or two. Instant validation.  Stay happy. 

Finally,  my son is now 3 years old: that’s not only a really good reason to master this law of attraction thing to be a stellar example;  but also it’s a great thing to use to find more happy- a beautiful-smart-healthy 3-year-old boy has made it this far because of  me and Nathan & his big sister. Absolutely giddy making. Mmmm good. 

Just Be.

I am where I am, and it’s ok.

I am where I am and it’s alright,  it has to be because it’s all I’ve got. 

(- Abraham Hicks)

 Just breathe.

It’ll all be ok. 

Abraham says: go with the flow and it’ll be over soon.  That’s good. That’s relief. 

Sigh.

Quiet, still. Just be.

Be me. Be with source. 

Be calm.  Patience is easier when I’m just being with my inner me.

Just breathe. 

Feel the difference.  That’s what matters: the feeling in my body.

Relax.

I like relaxed. It feels good.  Warm, fuzzy, light,  airy. 

Soothing, yet strangely energizing. 

I don’t have to solve anything right now. There is plenty of time for that.  Besides, I couldn’t solve anything right now anyway.  This moment isn’t for that. This moment is for me.

This moment for me is about feeling better,  feeling good in fact.  I like that. So I Will… be, just be.

Dancing like Sugar Plums

So I’ve referenced having had visions of the man on several occasions. It seems that if he returns to my life it is likely not any time soon (unless he’s scheming something and not telling me- entirely possible I’m sure). I know I have given him links to my blog in the past, so this particular post could potentially bite me in the ass.

However, I feel like I need to document what those visions I’ve had were, and take that risk. Partly for me to cling to them because they feel so darn good, and partly as documentation. A, just in case they do pan out, I can validate myself by saying see- I wrote this post back in August 2017 when I was under the impression you had left the mid-west. How was I to know they would actually come to pass?! Honestly, the idea of that conversation feels really, really good! Keep doing that, beating that drum, my 808.

Anyway, I’m not sure I’ll be able to keep this all in perfectly coherent order, or even very clear, but my goal is to describe all of the insights I’ve had.


The very first one I  had, was giving him a hug. That simple. But it was like a memory of really hugging your mom early in life. I could feel his clothes rubbing my skin. I saw and felt the brown suit-coat he was wearing, I slid my arms between the suit-coat and his shirt and felt the warmth. I could feel the muscles in his back, and smell- the gentle smell of a clean man. I could see his face (but initially on the first several instances I couldn’t see his eyes), I saw the shape of his chin and his cheeks. I whispered in his ear “Thank you” with his name several times. His initial reaction was almost stunned still holding his arms open, and after a few moments he very gently hugged me back. It was a long hug, very comforting.

After experiencing that several times over, I did eventually see his eyes. Beautiful deep brown eyes like Nathans, but his seemed to have honey colored flecks in them. Very expressive and full of emotion. When I first saw his eyes, they were full of fear. Since then they have softened, but still seem to carry concern.



The next vision I had was in a dream. I literally had a dream of myself looking in a big oval mirror. The mirror was very fancy and unlike any in my daily life. I was standing there checking myself, and stopped in awe. I had seen what I was wearing, like really seeing it for the first time, like I had no idea that’s what I had on. It was my reaction in the mirror that caused me to step back in the dream. I could see that I was wearing a beautiful bright red sari with thousands of gold and silver beads on it. It was like the Indian version of the dresses the Jersey gypsies wear in that reality show. Very glitzy and glamorous and very beautiful. I’ve never worn anything like that, even the one time I did wear a sari it was a relatively plain blue one. In the dream I was just in awe at the intricacy of the beading, and how good I looked in it. It was so beautiful that I wanted to cry.

My wedding dress for marrying Nathan was a simple renaissance style dress that I made myself. It cost $200 in fabric, and many hours of sewing, and though I was happy with it, I knew it was not the beautiful traditional wedding dress that most women have. I never really wanted the white dress, but I think I always wondered if the dress I made was as beautiful as I hoped for it to look. I think I convinced myself that it was beautiful enough, but I know there is probably part of me that had wished it was fancier to show how important the occasion was. I know I had looked at some beautiful handmade dresses from England that were made with rich brocade fabrics and had embroidered details. They were the inspiration for my much more plain results.

So, then this dream with the beautiful glitzy red sari, I did actually cry. It was such an amazing dream, and one that is still somewhat unbelievable to me. I have no idea how that would ever actually be possible.


At that point though, I was hooked on this man. After those 2 visions, I thought this guy must be a sure thing. So I created a visualization to guide a vision. When I do that I start by meditating, getting myself into that nice comforting space. Then I start with what I know and build on it, eventually turning lose the reins to see a response. So, I started with the visage that I saw in the first one, the hug. I created him walking into a place like Panera.

I greeted him and hugged him again. Then asked him to sit in a booth and I sat across from him. I told him I’d waited what seemed like forever for that moment and that I was really happy to see him. He just nodded.

I told him about working with Reiki and how it is really just another form of energy that science is just now starting to contemplate. That science hasn’t even scratched the surface of it yet. I asked if I could demonstrate it for him. He nodded again. So I had him hold his hands palms up on the table and put my hands just above his, but not touching. I ran through all of the Reiki elements I have been trained on, plus the 2 that have been “given” to me in more recent years. I finished by pumping pure love,  Ed Edwards style. As I did my half of the visualization I watched for his facial expressions. They ran through a whole array of expressions just like people that I’ve worked with do. When I finished I asked him if he felt anything and he nodded and whispered yes. I asked if he could feel changes or differences at points during what I did, and got the same response.

The first time I did that, that was where I ended (more like ran out of steam, it takes a lot of mental energy to do something like that). I repeated the exercise another time, and on the repeat with the Reiki I told him details about what I was doing and had him nod when he felt a change, so I could move on to the next element. At the end I told him about the pumping my love to him and he started crying. It startled me, so I never did it just that way again. I told Nathan about the crying and Nathan said it made sense to him, but I still feel bad about making the man cry. So much so, that now I just send general love to him and haven’t created that space since.


Somewhere in the midst of that time frame I had another dream, this would have been about October I think. Late last fall anyways.

In the dream I was telling Anya and Ian that I was pregnant. Nathan was sitting next to me on one side, and the man was sitting next to me on the other. As would be expected Ian was unfazed and wandered off to play. Anya however did the “but, but…” protest that I think all older siblings do, especially when they’ve had to help with youngers. I replied: “Well, it’s perfect really. You are your mom and Nathan; Ian is Nathan and me. This baby is me and (the man- I said his name in the dream). It’ll be a perfect blended family, and everyone that’s still alive is here. We’re all one happy family.”

That was where I woke up. I told Nathan the next morning, and he replied “Yeah, I knew that”. I said really, you couldn’t have filled me in. Nathan joked: “Well it seems I didn’t need to!” Geesh.


The kiss came shortly thereafter while I was driving. Just as vivid as the hug. I literally felt his lips touch mine.


I also had several instances where he was thinking about me and I felt it very, very intensely in my body. One of them we conversed about an hour afterward and he confirmed what I felt. There have been several lesser in intensity.


One dream, was a projection of the first time we’re intimate. It was so vivid that it is still surreal to think about. Obviously being a public blog I’m not going to give details on this one, for the sake of any minors that might come across this. However, it is so vivid that I look forward to finding out how accurate the visuals are. I’m pretty sure that if my visuals are accurate I could go clothing shopping for him. It was amazing and left me reeling  with perma-grin the whole following day.



More recently, in response to questions I’ve had, both Nathan and I have had visuals on his soon to be wife. We just wanted to know what she looked like, and how she acted, her general demeanor and disposition. I think we’ve gotten that answer.

I saw her sitting at a desk very focused on books and papers in front of her. Nathan got a similar vision. We both have seen her as very slender,  average height to tall-ish, almost like Anya’s current build. She seems quiet and I’ve only ever seen her hair up in a bun. She also seems very subdued and like she doesn’t want attention, but she’s very pretty. I feel like she wants platonic love (like parents and kids, or siblings share), but isn’t ready or interested in sex or other types of intimacy: because in my visuals she will take hugs every time, but shys away from other actions.

That’s ok, I just wanted to know. I don’t know why I want to know so badly, except for the fact that at some point she may be brought into my life by the man. I don’t like being blind-sided, and I feel like I would be more outwardly welcoming to her with some level of knowing- i.e. my actions try to meet her needs. Otherwise, I feel like if she is willing to deal with me and my family, and accepting of being family with us, then she is welcome anytime, and I’ll do my best to help her feel welcome.


Another vision I had sitting on the sofa watching TV. I literally glazed over watching TV, and started daydreaming. I looked down while in the daydream and saw the man’s head resting on my belly. I realized that he was listening for the heartbeat of baby. I reached down and felt his hair, and rested my hand on his shoulder.

It was a very brief visual, but one that made my heart swell. I felt an expansion of love that was very great and amazing.


Recently I have had moments where I felt like my cheek was being touched. I’ve felt sensations on my lips several times. I have felt hands on my shoulders. All very comforting. Those I can’t specifically say relate to him, but I think of him every time I feel something, so in a synchronicity sort of way, I do feel like they at least encourage thoughts of him.



Then there was the energetic interaction I wrote about in the 2 blogs: “The Why of Love” (June 30th) and follow up in “If nothing else my garden is doing great.” (July 1st). I literally heard him say “It’s not just me, it’s my whole family, my whole life, it’s everything.” I felt like we were having a conversation. One that ended feeling very good in another intimate type feeling interaction. Again very vivid and very surreal. That one was so intense I was almost in disbelief that he wasn’t in the room. It didn’t help that that particular interaction caught me completely off guard. I wasn’t expecting it, and I was actually in the middle of doing something else when it started. It literally distracted me from doing part of my regular routine. I have yet to understand how I’m having such intense experiences with not a stitch of mind altering anything in my system, and especially when the subject at hand is thousands of miles away from me.


Lastly was the lunch meditation at work on July 27th. It was the really good day right before the 2 bad days (wrote about those in “help is on it’s way”). Anyway, I had intended to just have a quiet moment to recenter and ground a bit.

I seemingly slipped into deep meditation very easy on that particular occasion, and instead was drawn into more.

Right away I was taken by an intense visual of a peregrine falcon in dive. I know what this looks like because it was the logo for a small business I worked for at one point. However, in the meditation it was like a real peregrine was right in front of me, super vivid and super intense. That image was swept away by a view of mountains. I felt something on my neck and realized that I was being kissed from behind. I felt hands running down my shoulders and arms. It was nice. I felt a tug and stepped backward to follow it, the view of the mountains was a view from a very large window, curved at the top. The hands guided me backward and I felt the cool sensations of glass block on my back (something I’ve always wanted for the bathroom in the top of the dome). I knew I was in my dome house that I’ve always dreamt of.

The hands were the man. I could hear Nathan and the kids in the background (probably downstairs I inferred). We laid on the bed and I could feel the satiny sheets on my skin. It was so beautiful. I felt so beautiful. I felt loved. I felt peace and calm. I felt like everything was perfect, had gone perfectly, I was blissful. The interactions were all blissful. The breathtaking view was amazing and I just kept thinking this is it, this is the dome. This is Atira.

I know that the energy of that meditation was real, because the rest of the day everyone kept commenting on how good I looked, and complimenting me. What I intended as a quick 5 min grounding turned into a 20 min blissful vision of the future that left ripples for the rest of my day. The gratitude is still intense for me.


That is all of them. At least up to this point. I hope they do come true, but even if they don’t I enjoyed all of the moments. Every last one of them felt good, and still do. I can’t imagine that all of that feeling good doesn’t help. According to Abraham Hicks and Ms. Hay, good feeling visions like that are inspiration and lead to good manifestations in the future. So even if he doesn’t come back, something else good will. That I am going to hold on to, and use this as a reminder.

Finally, thank you for reading all of my ramblings. I know I use a lot of words and write a lot. Nathan teases me about it all the time, because I originally didn’t think I had anything to say that anyone else would want to read. Now I find that I’m mostly writing for myself and it’s a bonus that others find it interesting enough to read. That I appreciate very, very much. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Good days are here. 

With my last round of adjustments, adding the vast amounts of green drinks & scaling back my calorie consumption, I’m feeling great.

My fitness tracker band that I’d ordered finally arrived and after an initial charge I was able to start using it yesterday. It confirmed what I suspected that my medicine weaning process was needed and is accurate. When thyroid meds are a little high, you get faster than normal heart rates. My resting heart rate is between upper 80’s & low 100’s, when it should be consistently in the 60’s & 70’s. Some people even have normal resting heart rates in the 50’s. So I’m definitely taking a little too much thyroid medicine. I’m so glad I ordered the fitness tracker.

That being said I’m feeling Great otherwise. Really great, so I’m definitely going to back down slowly to keep the happy love flowing.

In addition to my band being usable yesterday, I was able to go get my tattoo touched up.

This is what it used to look like (not the best pictures ever, but you get the idea) :

My view:

Other people’s view:

It definitely needed help & I’d never had the budget to get it fixed. After getting our tax return & acknowledging that I’m at a bit of an impasse decision wise on construction, I decided to divert a little to getting it fixed finally [8 years should be long enough to wait for that].

So, yesterday was the appointment. 2 hours of painful fixing- tattoos are not easy to handle the first time, plenty of discomfort, but fixing a botched tattoo means super sensitive scar tissue. Fortunately, being a massage therapist I’d done the facial stretches on my tattoo hundreds of times to gradually reduce the scar tissue. I’m glad because damn, it still hurt like crazy in places. There were 2 spots that I had to really focus all my metal efforts finding my happy place & breathing to get through the touch up. It helped that my tattoo has always been about love. It represents all the things I hold near & dear to my heart. The Triquerta & Shamrock are due to my Irish heritage & strong desire to visit Ireland some day.

However, it was originally our “engagement ring” because being an LMT I don’t wear rings when I’m working. Nathan & I got the matching shamrock on opposite arms so when we hold hands the tattoos touch. He let me go with the Irish theme because being of slavery lineage he has no idea what his heritage is, & he’s always connected with celtic influences anyway.

So, when the shamrock didn’t turn out right, the original tattooist tried to touch it up & offered a simple add on to make up for it. That’s where the triquerta came in. He did the same “fix” for both of us. But even after his fix, it never did look right. Mine always had this void in the green that looked like a 7 (easier to see in my view/upside down).

Now 8 years later, I’m finally getting to touch it up, & it hits me. 7 is Shiva in hebrew. Shiva mantras are the predominate mantras in my collection. I’ve been praying to that archetype & feeling like I’m getting responses. I also acknowledge that 2 of the friends that I’ve really been missing of late are Hindu- friends near and dear to my heart.

So, it only felt appropriate to add on something of India.

I also wanted to color the Triquerta in.

The Irish flag is green & orange & white. The Indian flag is green & orange & white.

Hmmm. Interesting.

The only major difference is the India flag has the Dharmachakra/Ashokachakra centered on it, which I do resonate with the meaning behind the chakra. So I decided, color the Triquerta in with the flag colors & add the chakra. I originally thought to center the chakra to the original tattoo, but the artist doing the work pointed out that it would make the assymetry mistake of the original Triquerta more obvious. She suggested shifting it up like a halo, I agreed. She also suggested not doing the white because I had originally wondered if the reason the shamrock had issues was due to the white highlights in it. She said yellow would be a better blend color because it is in both green & orange; it could be minimised to meet my desired look. I said ok.

So this is what it now looks like (with a couple shots of the process):

I’m very happy with the way it turned out.

She gave me extra gentle care instructions to reduce the risk of having another color void issue. Essentially, be extra gentle, don’t submerge for a week, keep bandaged for 3 days. Wash with soapy water 3x’s a day, & just coconut oil after washing for mild moisturizing & anti- microbial effects. Happiness.

To celebrate we went to the Indian restaurant a block from the tattoo shop. It was a very yummy meal to end a very good day. I am very thankful and grateful for good days finally being here consistently. I choose to believe that this is significant of a major turning point in my life. Things will continue to be good, great in fact. I’m seeing the illusion for what it is, I’m beginning to understand, and be it divine influence or merely law of attraction, I’m gradually moving in wonderful directions. I’m looking forward to the future again. *Deep Breath* Happy.