Tag Archives: blogging

Getting Somewhere… I think.

I needed help, I sent prayer requests to everyone I knew- regardless of religious preference, with the basics of what was going on. Even though I choose to reference myself as a Pagan, and view god in several different manifestational aspects, I see everyone’s connection with God as vital and helpful, so I ask anyone that is spiritual in any way, for support when I need it.

The church at work has come through with some help in a variety of ways, I am so grateful. I am really seeing how churches are really like companies, they bring people together for a common purpose and get the job done. Their purpose is just the spiritual side of things, and solidifies my belief in goals for Atira. I look forward to one day finding my pastor for the Temple of Atira at the heart of Atira community.

So, I needed a home, good enough for now. We’ve found just that. My husband stumbled onto a house in an OK neighborhood, not the best, but not the worst either. When he called, the landlord had 2 houses and one other person interested. We looked at both and put in our request, and I let God decide which was better for us right now- knowing they were essentially the same house, neighborhood, and cost. When the landlord called back, we got the one with the basement that is about mile closer to work, but no central air.

The house was a $100.00 per month over our goal. I had already expressed the need for a significant raise to my manager when they were contemplating hiring me back full time. So I told God I’ll definitely need that raise and then some if I’m going to start chipping away at getting ahead of my ball of mess.

The very day that my husband secured our new home with a deposit, my manager called me in. The offer: Tuesday through Saturday 8 hour days, $16/hr to start since I’ve jumped in and helped out so well. Once they figure out who is landing in what roles permanently, I’ll be bumped to $17/hr, and when I complete their online training program that will earn another $1/hr. So the faster I complete that, the better. IF I can get my A1C down from pregnancy/allergies and reinstate my medical card on my CDL I’ll get another bump (though that was more vague).

Regardless for now, I will have to continue to do massage. I’m giving the care-giving job nearly 3 weeks notice, and that will give me time to adjust my massage schedule. All will have to be set by October 28th, as that is the start of the first week full time for the offered position. I’m moving 2 of my buildings and as many individuals as possible to Sundays. My Mondays will stay the same fully booked at 2 of my long standing facilities. I will officially be working 7 day weeks, every week, but my days will be shorter with a 15-20 min commute and Sundays being most likely half days. I’ll actually get to see my children a little more than right now. So that’s a bonus.

As part of my new role I’m jumping into a book that the company started a couple of months ago, and each week they covered a couple of chapters during the weekly meetings. Since they’re already on chapter 24, I am cramming the reading of the book into one weekend to get caught up, so that I can present the next pair of chapters on Tuesday.

It’s called “The Energy Bus” by Jon Gordon, and so far I’m just hitting the chapters where the 10 rules for life are being started. The chapter I’m on (7), ends with a writing exercise, so I thought it apropos to write my answers down here.

  1. My vision for my life (including health) is:
    • I want to heal both my brain and my body. I see myself at a healthy weight (150-160 lbs) that is easy to maintain, almost effortless. I see myself having healed my digestive system so that it rarely reacts to small things and a place where only bigger intrusions become noticeable. I see myself being able to tell others that I have healed my brain enough that depression rarely rears its head, and I am generally in a good, happy place in life. I see myself in a place where I love myself every day, all day, and finally put a stop to self-degrading and self-limiting beliefs and language. I want to own my health fully and completely and know that I can sometimes have things without it hurting me physically or mentally. That I have built a fortress of good health.
  2. My vision for my work, career, job, and team is:
    • Ultimately, I see owning my own community: Atira, but not just for elderly. I see having Atira help adults of all walks of life and thus help many, many families. You can’t please everyone, but you can build a community that attracts only those that it desires to please, and that is my end goal.
    • I can see how my current work is giving me an eye into the vast complexity of what an organization like that means. I am getting a first hand glimpse into what it takes to run such a vast community, especially staffing needs and logistical breakdowns, and I can see that I have quite a ways to go before I solidly know how manage something so complex. I am grateful for this opportunity and it’s guidance, and I know that in time I will have the knowledge that I need to go and Start Atira.
    • I see that though it is a process to learn all of the things needed to build my community, I am the only one that controls the flow. I am the speed of the river, so I am the only one that can dictate how long it will take me to learn all of the things I need to know to accomplish building Atira. I state here that I wish to keep things moving: as soon as I master one step, I wish to be in a stable footing to take the next step comfortably. I know that the step I’m on is entertainment coordinator, and I am comfortable with some of the elements, but still working on logistical juggling and paperwork aspects. It will come quickly. I will find my groove. When I do and I can demonstrate maintaining the flow for a few months, I look forward to the next step: managing a team of people that do the leg work for an organization.
    • I know that I will need some minimal additional training to make that next step in someone else’s organization, so I ask that the universe provide the opportunity at little to no cost to me and in a manner that I can easily fit it into my work schedule and life. I foresee this training being more easily accommodated after the first of the year, and after I have nearly mastered my current role.
    • Once I master my current role, and gain the additional training I see that the logical next step is to find a new position with that added training. I know that taking steps forward like that can seem daunting, but it is an important learning experience and I acknowledge that I have done it many times before and will be able to do it again and again until I have mastered each level along the way to running a full community. It will come in time, and I just need to remind myself of that occasionally so that I remain patient with myself and with the process.
      • Here I want to be clear, all these steps are to further my end goal of Owning Atira Community, even if it takes decades. I don’t merely wish to learn how to climb the corporate ladder and work my way up another person’s company. I see other companies, careers, and jobs (even my massage work) as real life training to reach my life purpose, and work toward my life goal. I trust that the divine will put people in my life that can help me accomplish that, with the understanding that at some point I may have a job just like they hold now, maybe with the same company, maybe a different company. The company is of less concern to me, the goal of learning what I need to learn and making the money I need to make are of more importance.
      • That which betters me, and helps me help my family and others, is of utmost importance. I want to be the best I can be for my ultimate goal of having a self-sustaining charitable-community/company to better this world in the name of the Divine.
    • I know God supports my end desire, and so he supports my steps to getting there, Everything will come in proper timing and easily for me to acknowledge and carry out. The divine, the universe will provide if I trust.
  3. My vision for my relationship and family is:
    • I love my husband, and want to do better at showing it. He deserves that, because he has given everything he could to me. He has given me the best of himself repeatedly over the last 14 years, and literally saved my life more times than I can count. The challenges I see him face, I know well and I wish more than anything that we both could feel adequate in our familial roles.
    • I still want family- bigger and more supportive than just my husband is able to accomplish. I think it would go a long ways to helping us both feel more adequate, enabling us to relax into knowing there are more hands and more dollars to spare. I know that the people we have attempted that with had similar wishes and desires, but for many reasons not needing stated here, it just didn’t work.
      • I look forward to finding the people that do fit our needs, mesh with us optimally, and have the same desires, and hold the same level of flexibility and forgiveness for general lapses on anyone’s part. We’re all in this game called life, learning how to get through, and mistakes will get made, none of them are the end of the world, but that has to be acknowledged on all sides. The ball can and will get dropped, but someone has to be willing to pick up the pieces and help to put them back together. That is family. Sticking together and helping each other pull up even in adversity, knowing that acting in the good of the family will eventually pay off in furthering the success of the family- be it more love, happiness, success, or prosperity.
        • Sometimes being selfish means finding a way to align your needs with a greater cause. (Kill two birds with one stone, so to speak). I’d love to have a family full of people that can do that.
    • I want to spend more time with my children and have days off, while still making more than enough.
      • As I’ve said several times I would go nuts if I just stayed home with kids, that is my version of aligning selfishness with working for the greater good. Right now that means working 7 days a week and having every evening to be with kids. However, I would love to get to a point in my wage earnings that I could comfortably work 4- 10 hour days and have part or all of the other 3 for kids, I think that is my happy medium-nearly ideal. Because, right now I work 6-10 hour days with a 7th shorter one, and I still count my blessings for the evenings I spend with them, but do get down for wishing I had more time with them. I also tend to have a shorter fuse when I work too many hours, so 4 long days is more manageable than 6 long days.
      • Ultimately that means higher dollar per hour wages and having to let go of something somewhere. God/the universe will help me straighten that one out in time.
    • More cuddle time, and more fun time. This links back to both bettering my relationship with Nathan, and with the kids, and with finding family. It’s hard to do if there’s no time left to do it. My time equation is out of balance at the moment, but when alignment is found, my time equation will balance with time for fun family activities and time for cuddling everyone. I look forward to that.
    • I want my kids to look back on their childhood and remember the good things and fun times, and realize that I overcame challenges and adversity to help our family have better.
    • I want them to know I ended up being a positive influence in their lives.

And with that I have completed chapter 7 of “The Energy Bus” 17 more chapters to catch up by Tuesday…. if there are more exercises to write down, you’ll get another post from me. Thank you for being patient with me when I’m down, and thank you for reading my blog. I really appreciate the support knowing that there are people out there that find my words at least interesting enough to check in occasionally, and the occasional comment lets me know that my process is helping others at times. For that I am utterly grateful.


So, I’m 165 posts into writing, having begun Januray 2016. Nathan has reiterated that I have written at least enough for one novel, maybe 2 or 3. I was curious and discovered that I could get accurate word stats if I upgrade to a paid wordpress account. Perhaps I’ll do that after a paycheck or two from the new job. It’s not really in the budget right now. Of course I know how to manually tally each post up to find my overall total, but I’ve definitely not got the time to wade through all 165 posts to do that! So for now, I’m just going to acknowledge that Nathan’s probably right and I’ve written a lot.

Who knew? I sure didn’t, I went into this writing thing kicking and screaming. I felt like it was too much like when I was in college. WORK! Now I see the benefit of writing; especially since I’m no longer writing about arbitrary subjects dependent on some arbitrary class I was required to take. Now I see that when you write about things that matter to your own little slice of the universe, it actually feels good. It helps me process, it helps me to vent at times, I can think things through and put relatively coherent thoughts to my feelings- be they good or bad, positive or negative. It has helped me to say things that I really didn’t have any other way to say them. It has also helped me to define things, like how do I know when something seems to be divinely influenced- logic leaves the room, but I still feel things so intensely I must say something, I must at least attempt to put words to my thoughts and feelings. So in that respect writing has been huge.

Now that 165 posts has been 1.75 years worth of my life, and a retelling of some of my history.

The original goal of the blog was to write about building a safe comfy home. That fell through.

Then it began to include writing about my work as a massage therapist, it seems that as well may eventually come to an end. It isn’t tomorrow, too many bills to pay, and now an extra child to plan for. However, I simply can’t foresee continuing to work 6 or 7 days a week indefinitely.  I think it would eventually kill me. This is definitely a “temporary” situation, and being that I’m a bit burnt out on doing massage, at the moment I would think it would be the first to be given up. I do enjoy helping people, but I do also like making plenty of money and I also like having benefits, neither of which really truly happened working as even a successful self-employed massage therapist. Which, by the way, was more of a success than any job I had doing the same work. The next most successful moment was working for the one chiropractor, that is until he worked me too long and hard, and I almost didn’t make it home one night. Good wages or not, that one was simply not worth it.

In my blog I’ve covered things that bug me, get my goat so to speak. I’ve ranted and raved, and written well thought out arguments for my views on a few topics. That, I think, is when I realized that despite the original goal of this blog, I was simply writing about me.

SO, then I decided if I was going to write about me, why not just write about everything. Everything became equal fodder, nothing was off the table. The topics began to include my views on life, god, the divine, my religious beliefs, polyamory and my family. I knew going into many of those topics that I could be treading into murky treacherous waters. I simply have a much more diverse view of the world than much of mainstream society, and when that happens, it’s likely that you can get not so pleasant feedback. Fortunately, of all my readers, I’ve gotten no negative feedback and for that I’m simply grateful. There were moments after posting articles that I would stop and console myself preemptively, knowing that my words would be different, not what much of America would want to read and think about. I knew I could get some scary comments, yet none ever came. For that I am utterly grateful. I am very appreciative that my simply process here has for the most part been well received, and I have welcomed and appreciated every last bit of support.

I write all of this, just to solidify for myself that writing has been a good endeavor and that I should keep plugging away. I have scarce time these days, so it may become increasingly challenging to commit to and follow through with writing. In fact the only reason I have time now, is because I went to invoice on my half day off, and the new processing system for the one corporation (4 of my buildings) had not been set up, and thus invoicing didn’t happen. It’s okay, I’ll have all of the 3rd “off”, so I can catch up then. just a few days behind schedule.

So then a quick update is in order while I still have a few moments left.

My son has missed me so much that he is very clingy and when I go to leave he erupts in tears. My daughter is even more huggy, she always was, but it seems like the time apart has actually caused appreciation to manifest in my family in a more noticeable and visible way.

My husband is still struggling to keep up, and thus he still shows frustration. He spent several days driving around looking for properties to call on, so the house work fell grossly behind- something that always causes friction between us. I simply hope that after 14 years of marriage/life-together, he figures out how to make practical hands-on time-management improvements based upon what I have tried to explain thousands of times. That’s all, and at this point I still struggle to see those improvements depending on the day.

The saving grace is that I can acknowledge that:

  1. we are drastically different personalities and we’ve always disagreed on what is most important. For instance, I can’t stand clutter, but Nathan has always had a high tolerance for it.
  2. he is struggling internally as much as I am, but often in different ways. He does still have a heart condition. His meds do affect his cognitive abilities, and even at times his emotional stability. We now know that his kidneys are struggling a bit- not truly failing, but something he’ll have to make adjustments for. We know that he has high cholesterol and needs to make adjustments for that as well. The one we’re still waiting to find out on is the Melanoma, initial blood-work didn’t give us that answer. If he does have it, it may or may not be easily treatable, the biggest catch if he does, is finding the tumor(s) and removing all of them. So, I can’t hold him to the same standards as most others because he is literally facing challenges every day just being alive.
  3. I love him. Truly and deeply. That makes everything else somehow worth it. I’ve agreed with the saying before that love is not a potato, but when you love someone to that extent, you’ll do whatever is in your power to help them and be with them. My Nathan is no different, and since we long ago chose to combine our lives, I’ve stuck it out and everything we do, we do as a family.

Finally, my down time last night and today has been filled with thoughts of the boy. I haven’t heard from him for a while again, but this is wedding month, so I think that all has been going on. It would definitely take priority.

I had done my best to push him out of my mind, and of course all I managed to do was eliminate obsessing over him. I never did completely forget about him, but being so busy, the thoughts were fewer and further in between. Yet, last night I felt him, again this morning, and again this afternoon. I feel like he has finally admitted he has feelings for me, because that was the way it felt. Before, I would send love and get that pit in my stomach in return- the kind you get when you want something, but you are afraid of the consequences. But the last 24 hours I have felt warm and fuzzy and all melty on the inside, and there was a mental interaction that I think has great ramifications. Only time will tell on that one.

I think for him it was originally an either or decision, but now that he’s committed to the wife (who has been told about me at least once, he posed a question to her about me early on) I think he’s now beginning to wrap his brain around logistics of polyamory. MY hope is that he is filling the wife in on all of the details that might have been glazed over at earlier discussions.

When I have sat with this, I get messages that seem to imply they will both be heading back here to KC soon. Though, I think she must have some commitment that she has to wrap up first, because the messages imply him and later her. Regardless, it seems that the divine/other-side is supportive of us all sharing one home and acting as one extended family. That message I love and very much look forward to. So much so, that I told Nathan to contemplate that as he looked for houses. Nathan’s response was why don’t we continue as planned and we can always adjust at a later date. I said sure, and perhaps the rent to own situation might allow for additions or adjustment to floor-plans!

Who really knows. All I know is that right now, I still feel really, really good about this man, and can’t wait to hear from him again, I also can’t wait to find out more about his now wife. I really do want to make her feel welcome if she makes the choice to support the polyamory decision. I want her to feel the loving supportive freedom that polyamory can provide. That would be ideal.

Anyway, I have just run out of time, so until next week- Adieu! Be well my readers, and thank you so much for reading and being supportive of my very unique views and life.


100 blog posts in a year and some change. 

Today I walked 7.4 miles:  2.3 as part of my job & 5.1 in the eliptical machine at the Y (an hour workout).

After going fast on the elliptical,  I’ve decided it’s really difficult to adjust the settings down and try to slow down for a cool down.  Almost comical I think. 

Having a fitness tracker is boosting my confidence in my health,  and solidifying that I must just be designed to carry extra weight.  Maybe it’s a just in case I actually am starving. I just know that I’ve been pretty spectacular for about 3 weeks,  consuming 1500 – 1700 calories on my worst days, & half that in my best days.   Beyond that,  now that I’ve had the tracker for a week, I know I’m burning upwards of 2500 calories a day, there’s been a few days I cleared 3000.  Yet the scale has remained at 230 pounds. Nathan suggested switching to a digital scale,  but I pointed out that even a spring scale is accurate at showing weight changes,  even if the number might be off. I.e if you lose 15 pounds it’s gonna show, but it might tell you you went from 245 to 230 when really maybe you went from 249 to 234. The inaccuracy is in how closely a spring scale measures weight numerically speaking,  not whether or not the same object has changed in weight. Besides that I’ve used the old style weighted balance scale at the Y and I’m getting a similar story, no weight change.

 Anyway,  I know I’m being super healthy,  & I now have a whole mess of data & photographic evidence to back it up. Why my body wants to be larger, floppy, & curvy, I just don’t know. It’s a mystery,  but one I’m ok with.  

As long as my body is getting what it needs,  that’s what matters, and I’ve got enough evidence that it is, to be fine with the results. Besides I’m still nearly 80 pounds lighter and 3 dress sizes smaller than when I was at my heaviest. I plan to post pics of that change soon (Nathan’s working on digging up old pics I can duplicate poses of).

Even my heart rates have balanced out. I’m down to a grain and half of desiccated thyroid a day (1- 90mg tab), and the only time I notice anything is mid-day when it’s time to take my iron (I get spacy),  & first thing after waking up (my hands tend to be cold & I’m a bit sluggish to wake up). Both are normal symptoms when you’re taking just barely enough medicine to help your thyroid out,  which is where I want to be. It encourages my thyroid to try harder so I can eventually eliminate the meds all together.

So happy dance for both blogging & health!  Yea 😉

On another note.  My 2.5 year old son got ahold of his big sister’s phone and called me. All on his own.  No help.  She wasn’t even aware it happened until I called back. Scary. He’s not 3 until the end of August.   Maybe worse,  I understood everything he said when I talked to him. He told med he knew how to fix the broken lightbulb & get the stuck part out. I had to tell him of already done that & just needed to buy a new bulb. Geesh.

Gud Wryter 2… What to trust.

On May 12th, I wrote my original post “Gud Wryter” discussing my thoughts of what contributes to being a good writer. Since then, I’ve been mulling over related thoughts. It has occurred to me that people without dyslexia don’t really realize the complexity and ramifications of having dyslexia, and some people with severe dyslexia don’t believe that I was able to learn to compensate for having dyslexia on my own. I fall somewhere in the middle, mild enough dyslexia that I was able to figure out ways to compensate for it without extreme interventions, and thus I’ve always gotten along fairly well in school and work environments.

To that end I thought I would demonstrate my level of dyslexia by typing a post without using any spell-check or auto-correct functions. I decided that this would be better suited to a computer, as my android phone tends to put in completely different words when I misspell my intended word. So the following is my unedited writing on my topic today “What to trust.” I’m going to have a very hard time not going back and editing this! 🙂 ….


I sit this morning porst route, all up in my head. I’ve learned through therapy that what I’ve aways alled “hamster-wheeling” is really termed ruminations. It’s when your brain mulles over something so much that it builds into being intesne emotion based reswponses, often negative. I’m working with my new therapist on exercises to help break the habbit, and find that its bvery slowly starting to help.

REgardless, this morning I am discovering that I’m having difficulty trusting my intiuition., and runminating a lot. If you’ve been keeping up with my posts, 3 posts ago, I wrote about a lvoe interest in my polyamorous world. For reasons unbeknownst to me, I have fallen in love with a man I’ve never actually met face to face.

We’ve been messaging for the better part of a year, and it seems to me that he is a wonderful guinine man. However, I’ve had more meaningful and deepre interatcions with pepole in person. Not just a few times, but hundreds of times in my lifetime. So why then, am I falling in love with theis man.? There’s literally no real, life-ecperience reason to be in loe with him. It’s just a bunch of messages, that for most normal people would at best equate to a really good friendship.

Yet, I fele that he has chosen me very carefully and in doing so, opened up some connection that was probably already there. a latent deeper spiritual connection. IS it from a past life, or just something that we are supposed to learn form inthis lifetime? I don’t really know, I just know that for me it is really intense, and seeminlgly out of nowhere and for no reasson.

Nathan, my sonderful supportive husband, is fully aware of our interactions. I’ve shard every interatcion with Nathna and asked his opinion at every step of the way. Nathna has let em vent and air my frustrations and quandaries aloud on many many occaisions. He agrees with me that I am feeling something beyond our interactions. He has helped to calm my fears and talked me through every concern and every moment of feeling like I’m going crazy. I couldn’t ask for a more supportive persn in my life.

Now, I tend to be a spiritual person, as I posted about in my “320 million reasons” post, it sometimes means that I get anggry with god when things dont go as I think they should, but, I do acknowledge that there is a divine presence of some kind. Whatever this force is has always porvided me helpful synchronistic clues when something is important to my life journey.

These clues helped me when I met Nahtna and was falling in llove with him. I got information about his then wife and girlfirend and though I was hesitant to share that information with him, he swares that it helped him through points ofollowing when both his wife and girlfriendd left him in rapid succession. This same source prepared us when Anya’s mom was about to pass away by telling us it was coming when no one else would admit it. This same source helped me through a very trying pregnancy, esnsureing that I had a very happy healthy and supre smart baby. This same source has hekped us find rental homes at times, and has helped me make discisions when I felt like there were not any good decisions to be made.

To be fair though, I don’t consider myself psychic. These messages have only ever pertained to my direct life experiences. I have never gotten intense messages like this regarding other people, and definitely never with strangers.

Now this source is telling me things about this man that I’ve been talking to. It’s been conveying to me through a variety of means, all manner of input regarding this man. I know my intrepretations are leaning in hte right direction, because I’ve always gotten this intense tingly sensation up my spine when I’ve “hit the nail on the head” so to speak. That sensation has always been present, and we’re talking about a decade of divine message intrepretation.

So I’ve gotten that a lot of late. For instance, I know (believe based on these clues)  that he is afraid of ramifications fo being with me in a relationship sort of way, even though he intentionally sought out a polyamorous person. I know that becasue he hasn’t discussed things with his fiance, he’s petriified of screwing things up with his family, because he’s afraid that his fiancee wont agree to being poly. I believe that he might also be concerned about the logistis of a relationship with me. It seems He’s also really overwhelmed and confused over this stragne connection that we share, becasue he has felt it too, but it’s new territory for him. I’ve been told that we’re both having trouble trusting and listening to our intuitions. That ultimately we’re headed the same direction, but htat he’s going extra slow because of all of the confusion and fears. I’ve been shown moments with him in the future, moments that even in being just thoughts bring me great joy. I believe that I even know what he looks like even though I’ve only seen one fuzzy selfie-picture. I have felt him thinkging about me (several times), one of which was validated in a conversation with him later the same day it happened. Also, on several occcaisions I’ve felt his thoughts start out about me and turn toward the fears. Finally, at one point, he told me he’d moved to Norht carolina, and within hours of him telling me that, I got a very clear message that he hadn’t. That it was an unsuccessiful attempt at breaking the connection, he was so afraid of what he felt that he didn’t know what to do ecxept tell me he’d left hte city. The next time I conversed with him, I tried to subtly call that out, and as soon as I did I felt his reaction to  his realization of my knowing: a giant pit in my stomache and he quit talking.

I’ve sent a gaggle of messages since, and all I can think is: please let me in. I want nothing more than for him to admit the elephant in the room, and acknowledge our connection. I know he wants to know how to proceed and what to do, but I don’t think it;s that easy. I think htis is one situation where we won’t know the details until we proceed. I feel like its a one step at a time situation. In this situation the first step I feel is that he needs to admit he is still in KC and meet me. That’s all. Once that happens, one or both of us will figure out the next step. I dont’ have all the answers, but I know that he will be a wonderful part of my future. I look forward to that.

Nathan does too. Hes read our conversations, hes headr my feelings, my anxieties, my thoughts. Hes analyzed all of my synchrnistic divine messages and intrepretations, and he thinks I’m onto something. He says hes even tried to send prayers and energy to this man to help. It all makes me loce my husbadn even more. I couldnt’ ask for a more supportive person in my life. I feel so blessed to have the opportunity to even be able to find love in multiplicity, and now I feel like I am on the brink of just that. The feeling of loving 2 poeple is so wonderful. The anticipation is immense. If even half of the images I’ve been shown come to pass, I’ll be on cloud 9.

I feel very deeply, always have, and with NAthan our years together have had chalenges for certain, but I would’nt have had it any other way. Our love has withstood the tests of time and we are still strong in our foundation. Would I cahnge things about our exeriences, or about our helath, Yes, most definitely, but I am ever so grateful that I have had Nathans support in all of my adult life.

Now, I feel that I could have that twice over and it makes my heart expand with joy and gratitude. I want to love this man and support hin in what ever he chooses, be there for him enotionaly. HE just has to let me.

And that is where the runmination and “hamster-wheeling”  catches me up and makes me second guess my intuition. I start thinking that every time he backs away he’s done. That he’s not coming back and that he has ignored everything ad moved on. Those thoughts make me sad and definitely create a negative snowball that overrides my knowing from divine synchronisity. MY human ego based brain for whatever reason wants to override my inner knowing and tell me the worst story ever. It becomes very hard in those moments to believe and trust myself and what I’ve seen and felt.

My therapist is aware of all of these things and I’ve told him about my relationship situation and this man. IT’s on the long list of things I want to gain control of, and so begins the anti-rumination work. Essentially we’ve started with a worksheet that helops to catch the rumination in process and stop the thoughts. So far I’ve used the worksheet’s process twice. Both times it helped to stop the snowball effect. Youd be amazed though how hard it is to catch yourself in automatic thought. Its hard to even catch myself several minuets into ruminating. But I’m committed, I want to be done with depresion, so if changing my diet, changing sllep habbits, chaging exerciese habbits, and doing these thought process homework assignments will solve it, then great- I’ll do all of that and so much mroe. I’m ready for positive things in my life, for my brain to heal, and to overcome all of my challenges- and hopefully that will include the love of another person in my life.


So there you have it. That is basically what my dyslexia looks like when I haven’t edited and proof-read something several times over. It’s not a 100% because I did still find myself using the backspace key occasionally (it’s really hard for me not to after years of correcting myself), so there are a few errors that I automatically corrected, but I think this is as close as you’ll get to seeing my true dyslexia. It’s a combination of mis-spelled, mis-typed (because my fingers get ahead of themselves), using improper tenses, and reversing or duplicating letters. I also tend to drop, or use too many punctuation marks. All of these things are what I look for when I am reviewing anything I’ve typed. Usually after 3 or 4 proof-reads I have found most if not all of my errors, and I can consider my typing complete. I hope this helps give perspective on what it’s like to have mild dyslexia.


Gud Wryter

So what makes a Good Writer? That’s a question I’ve asked myself because of this new adventure of blogging.

I don’t believe it is really about having a good grasp of the language you are writing it in. I mean it helps, but that is not the answer alone. I know this because I have never in my life won a spelling bee, in fact at points in my education I failed spelling. I also have dyslexia, and I’ve been known to mix up all the letters of a word except first and last. I sometimes drop letters, and occasionally add letters. In fact, so far in writing this blog post I’ve done every one of those mistakes. It requires me to rely heavily on spell check software and my own proof reading skills. I usually have to proof read everything I write several times over just to make sure I caught everything, and even at that I will still miss mistakes occasionally. I even have to proof read for punctuation mistakes. ,So a great grasp of the written language is not vital.

I would argue that a good vocabulary is somewhat more vital. I have found in writing blogs that I do rely on what I used to call $5 words much more often than in speaking. I feel the “big” words help convey concepts easier and more efficiently.

No, I feel that even though that helps, it still isn’t what constitutes a good writer. I believe that a good writer is a perfect blending of passionate thoughts, good organizational skills, and the ability to bring thoughts into a cohesive format to convey your opinions or create a story. That unique set of skills is what ultimately makes a good writer.

You have to be able to bring those rants in your head together with current events or research to convey why you believe in, or are passionate about, something. You have to be able to bring your wishes or dreams or fantasies into a clear and concise story that someone can follow and be enveloped into.

If you can’t do that then you might as well just be saying “The Lakers Suck” or “Cats are cute” neither of which are intelligent literature.

Of course, that’s just my opinion.