Tag Archives: brave face

Keeping my word: update 2

*image sourced from Pexels library, is not Atutmn*

My visit with Autumn in the hospital was very good and very needed. She is a beautiful woman that has been hurt many times in her life, and in horrible atrocious ways. I think more than anything that is her biggest hurdle to being well.

I took her a $15 orchid from Hy-Vee (midwestern grocery chain). She cried because they were beautiful and unexpected.

She cried several times, because she explained that she honestly had a wary reaction to our offer to help, along the lines of: ‘what do they want from me’.

It took me explaining my journey with mental health caused by thyroid disease (which I now know probably has it’s root cause in a chronic viral infection) and how much I have had to go through and deal with and figure out on my own. I explained that when I begged God to help me pull up and fix everything, that I had promised to return the favor to others, and she was simply my first encounter to fit the bill.

I also explained to her that for both mine and Nathan’s hospital stays 8 and 10 years ago, there was no one that helped us navigate those times. I simply said “everyone needs someone sometimes, and Nathan and I didn’t have that someone when we needed it, so when I realized she didn’t have anyone, I was determined to be there for her”. She cried again.

We connected on similar childhood journeys and the battle with depression, including many of the symptoms that leave a person feeling crazy and like no one understands. She was amazed when to her comment of “sometimes the world seems so flat and two dimensional”, my response was “like everything looks like cardboard cutouts, like paper dolls”. I explained that I now know that is a symptom of brain swelling combined with exhaustion, your brain literally compresses your view into a more easily processed flattened image, it helps conserve energy and enables processing when the physical structure of the brain is literally under pressure. I told her my last bout of that was when the virus flared 3 weeks ago, and it made driving home very difficult. She cried again, and I cried too.

She was so relieved that someone really truly understood what she was going through. That she wasn’t alone and that there was hope. I told her I’m not perfect, I still have bad days and fall downs, but I will take my occasional fails over the constant struggle of years and years past. I reassured her it isn’t the easiest fix, and can be really hard to maintain, but is totally worth it. She wanted to live to try, and that is huge.

She has had a much harder adult life than I have and that led to some of her current woes. The infection itself started when a drug dealer abducted her and forceably shaved her with a dirty razor. That was the precipitating event that was ended with a police standoff and her being admitted to hospital care. That was one of many horrendous stories she shared with me and Nathan. My heart goes out to her, no one ever deserves to be treated like that.

Regardless, I promised her that I knew several things we could try if she made it out of the hospital. Things that would help with her depression and possibly other health concerns that have been sidelined by trauma and the MRSA infection. Even some techniques that combined with her psychiatric care might help release some of the traumas’ damage. I will not replace the pros, merely supplement.

I also told her if I had known about her job loss, I could have helped with that too, but now we’ll have to wait for her to get better. See, like me she was working with an elderly woman doing home health. Where I go and come from several people, she had one lady that she worked with all the time and that lady had passed away causing her to lose her source of income. I told her that I am connected to the elder care network in this city so well, that if I had known I could have found her work quickly. She cried more.

She was simply overwhelmed that Nathan and I are so willing to help her in what seems to her as huge ways. She said “To think I went to a cafe so many years ago to read a book to escape my father’s abuse.” I told her “I know, sometimes you never know when you meet someone as to what it will mean later”.

Please do keep sending prayers. I may have given her just enough of a nudge of encouragement for her to pull through, but only time and God will tell.

On another note, a friend of ours from college, living in Iowa, is going through a rough journey as well. He could also use prayers. He has more of a support network, but he has small children like me and as you’ll see below and equally scary prognosis as Autumn.

These are challenging times, and the virus of the news is really the least of the problems. The news still wants you to think it is the worst, but I really don’t think it is. I keep reminding people that if someone has health problems slowly taking their lives and corona polishes them off, then corona gets the sole blame. I will not be one bit surprised if at the end of the year, the heart disease, cancer, and other death stats are far lower than they typically trend. It’s how they are padding numbers to make the stats scary.

Beyond that, we are experiencing a global shift and the survivors will be the ones that take care of themselves, but also help humanity find oneness and healing.

If you get stuck in fear, anger, or divisiveness it will likely cause you much more immediate problems. The more time you spend in negative thought patterns, the more likely you will suffer and may not survive. I know this is my biggest challenge, but it really is for everyone, especially with the external input we have available at this time.

You must honor yourself and your needs as much as you are able. You must quiet the mind as much as you are able. You must look for your inner being as much as you are able. And when all else fails look for the flowers or cute kids or adorable animals to distract yourself and find moments of positivity. It is difficult, and I too struggle to do so at times, but coming together and aiming for positive solutions is the main solution for everything.

I half want to write a post expounding on why medicine is scared over this or any virus (the lack of post-contraction treatment beyond symptom relief); but I halfway don’t, because it would cause me to focus on things that piss me off and which I have no solution for personally. I want medicine to solve the problem, but acknowledge there are mechanisms far beyond my control preventing the corporate desire to want the ability to cure chronic viral infections.

I know focusing on that topic for too long would be detrimental to me. I may still work on that post a little at a time. It needs pointed out and expounded on, but if I am to do that I will have to do so in manageable ways that help maintain my own energetically-sovereign-self. We shall eventually see if I can do it or not.

May you find ways to maintain your energetically-sovereign-self and stay buoyant in these challenging times. May you take care of yourself enough to survive the shift. May you see ways to help others do the same. May we all reach for oneness and helping humanity progress for the better. May you see the value of acceptance of others and oneness, and thus enable humanity to improve and survive the shift as a collective. If you are certain it is your time to go, and none of this is possible for you, then may you have the easiest quickest gentlest transition possible. May we all know that God loves and supports all of us and wants all of humanity to grow in positive ways. May you see that God really wants us to genuinely care about those around us, regardless of blood ties or any other superficial ties. May you share the light that helps us all get through our days just a bit easier.

Siva Hir Su

Almost there.

So I’m inching closer to baby being here, and doing my best to inch closer to being done with room construction.

Last Tuesday I spent all day long- 5:30 am to about 7:30 pm completing the majority of the electrical needs for the new rooms. Anger, worry, and frustration got me started so early, and pure determination kept me moving.

I ran a new line for the 5 sockets/recepticals on the new wall, and used an existing line to split off for 3 new light fixtures & 2 other recepticals. With all of our low amp gadgets and toys these days, I figured the 20amp lines would do OK with those additions, especially since the light fixtures now have LED bulbs. The new line still needs set into the breaker box, and the ceiling fan (1 of the 3 fixtures) needs mounted, but everything else is complete.

The next step was to start installing panelling. Nathan started that and Hannah did her best to help, but neither had done it before, so there were some cutting errors. So last night I did my best to solve the errors to avoid needing to replace panels, and after a brief melt-down, managed to do so. We then proceeded to finish panelling the wall & Hannah and Nathan placed 2 panels in the kids room. Things are moving along.

All that’s left to call our master bedroom (2nd master for the house now) complete is to hang 2 panels, install the ceiling fan, mount all the trim, & hang a door (or 2) in the wide doorway. Nathan & Hannah said they’d try to get trim down today, & since I work all day ( until about 7:30pm), that’s a good thing. Whatever they don’t get to, I will get another chance Monday evening.

I will again have all day Tuesday as well, so perhaps we’ll be able to finish everything for real this time. If not, we at least have enough that we can set-up for birth & baby.

I am sooo looking forward to normal and calm returning. I have found a new level of functional exhausted that I previously thought was impossible; having had periods of functional exhausted several times in my life I thought I’d already experienced my limits. Yet, this time I have a more finite time frame to exist in this manner, and knowing the end is near and time off will be available, I keep persisting. All will pay off soon.

And now for the pictures…

Last view I showed in my previous post:

Hannah assembling our new bed… Nathan helped but stopped to snap a pic.:

Panelling in progress, with electrical already in place (apparently no one snapped a picture of me doing the electrical, or the end result):

Pregnant Me hanging panels:

New wall panels completed (outside & inside):

The dusty dingy look is the sawdust on the panels & it’ll wash of easily. It looks great & will look perfect once trim is up over cracks & ceiling/floor borders.

I will have something pretty for the first time in 2 years and I’ll have running water again. I honestly owe it to my personal faith in god and working with the Shiva & KaliMa archetypes these last 2 years. I asked for help in making things pretty again and the divine is doing just that. I’m ever so grateful. Everything is going to be OK and life is improving. Thank you. Siva hir su.

“I’m not dead yet!”- Monty Python Holy Grail

It’s always been one of my favorite scenes, perhaps because of how ridiculously stubborn the knight was. Quite comical, I still laugh dozens of viewings later.

 I am that knight.

The last month brought ample challenges. There’s still at least a couple in the “known unknowns” list.

Some of it pissed me off royally. Some pushed every button imaginable. Some has caused great worry (mostly those known unknowns still lurking).

I still wish to deck at least a couple of people, but I’m a responsible adult that knows God will serve them their karma on a silver platter, and thus it’s not my responsibility.

Yet all this, and I’m still alive. Not only am I still alive, so is my family (for now :p ). I’ve made it through some pretty dark crap, because “The Depression Cure” works.

 Not only have I made it through, I’ve done one upped myself again.

I’m 9 weeks into pregnancy, and 20 pounds lighter because I healed my thyroid and I’m back on the pregnancy diet (remember it is just a slightly more extreme version of the depression diet). No more simple carbs for me, and this baby doesn’t like walnuts for whatever reason. Yet, the nausea is already backing off (a full 2 weeks ahead of expectations).

Despite being so early in the pregnancy and having lost weight, my belly is already talking on the unmistakable round shape that other moms recognize immediately. I confessed to one that asked me, that I wasn’t ready for it to show. She added that she thought I might have lost a little weight, but that my belly has definitely changed shape was how she could tell. Meh, it’s OK, I’ll catch up with me soon.

I didn’t kill any kids or their parents, and at this point I’ve stepped away. I care about me too much to stay in that mess.

My massage therapist noted this evening that I seemed more grounded. I confessed that I’m doing my best to go with the flow and having a new much clearer plan is helping a lot. I reiterated that we will definitely continue to trade, I benefit far too much not to.

The new job inches near. I’ve got my paperwork for it nearly done. They had a whole file worth, so I gladly split it up into chunks.

 I need to figure out when to fit in my DOT physical to reactivate my CDL, at this point it’s literally a matter of finding the time & a doctor that does them. The job will pay for the appointment.

And tomorrow is a shopping trip for new work friendly shoes. I have 1 pink pair at the moment that qualifies, and that needs remedied. Anya also commented that she needs new shoes, so I’ll cover her in the same trip.

Nathan’s all over looking for our new home, and I keep getting nudged to examine rent to own homes. Maybe our answer lies there.

At the same time I got a very clear message that this weekend, especially Saturday, might be very interesting. Bad and treacherous were words used in relation to this weekend. Another bumpy ride to hold on and breathe through. It’ll be over soon.

Meanwhile, I cling to gratitude over my amazing & free Bose Bluetooth speaker that we won from TrexMart, as well as gratitude over the new job falling into place so easily. 

It’s already become apparent that between Nathan and I, the benefits will be a must regardless of how much they cost. I may not end up with a whole lot of additional income by taking this job, but at least I know that regardless of whatever Nathan’s test results are, he’ll be taken care of. Plus, the insurance might cover part or all of my midwife. I won’t know that until I actually have the plan paperwork. I just know I’ve been told their insurance is great and worth every penny. That’s relief.

So, my focus now is more focus on those positive elements and acknowledgement that God has heard me and is gradually moving me to a better life. The divine knows the best path. I will do my best to honor that and keep up. Breathe and hold on for the ride. Whew! 

One day

I’m riding,  Nathan is driving us  to our route.  The song  “One  Day” by Matisyahu is playing  on the radio.  How appropriate for my life,  especially these days.  The line “sometimes in my tears I drown”, but then looking to the future,  “one day, I’ll be waiting for it”. Wow, this  is where I know I’m not alone.  We’re all struggling something fierce.

Each struggle is  different,  but each valid.

   I told a friend,  in my world view-  I feel I was lied  to… things were supposed to be great and wonderful. When life is hard:  you wonder what the hell went wrong,  what did I do?  When in reality,  it’s just life.  If someone had told me that you’re going to have a long hard  road,  with a few  wonderful moments- somehow that would have  been better for my brain.  I wouldn’t have spent (still spend some) days beating myself up for failing repeatedly. Because,  I swear: if one more person tells me to “fake it til you make it” I think I’ll *go postal*. 

I’ve spent 20 years putting on the #brave face, smiling & pretending everything was ok.  I’ve worked many customer service jobs,  where you can’t do anything else.  If you are grumpy,  angry,  snippy or  any other kind of short with a customer,  you loose your job. Just because I’m now self-employed, that doesn’t  go away: contract bosses & clients don’t care if you’re having trouble, they just want their services- in a timely fashion, & done well.

So,  I’d say I’ve mastered faking it, otherwise I’d  either been fired multiple times over,  or constantly been told I should seek counseling.  Which,  BTW, I have: when I could find  the resources to make it affordable.

In this “Great US of A” our society finds it easy to pass judgement & tell us what to do,  but no one tells you how you’re supposed to be able to afford such things, or really how to solve the problem- truly. The one time I was able to see a psych on  a sliding scale fee,  they wanted to just write me a script & send me on my way.  They saw me a dozen times over about a year,  I went through 3 scripts, none helped.  Of course,  now I know how much my thyroid is at play in my depression. Why did the psych never test my thyroid? Oh, wait- at that point a dozen MD’s already had- and STILL didn’t do anything. I was low side of normal.

Yep, normal,  that’s what I call involuntarily morbidly obese,  depressed 90% of the time, suicidal more  days that I’d like to admit,  and so tired that many days I slept 12 hours or more & still felt exhausted. So much for doctors being able to diagnose more  accurately than anyone else.  Did I mention I figured out the thyroid stuff on my own? I took that as far as I could with OTC resources before anyone took it serious. It’s been almost 3 years since I figured it out,  & I’ve had a script for it less than a year.

However,  just because I now have a script and a doctor willing to work with me,  doesn’t mean it’s automatically solved. Thyroid issues are a huge puzzle involving hormones,  nutrient absorption & utilization,  and related endocrine processes such as adrenal function. A puzzle that isn’t cheap to figure out.

So for instance,  I got my new script about a month ago,  & worked up to 6 gains a day & was good for 2 weeks.  Then out of no where I had a mild bout of pancreatitis.  We think maybe a mild viral infection.  In taking it easy on my pancreas I didn’t eat much,  didn’t take any supplements,  & cut my thyroid meds way back to 2 grains a day – it all balanced out for a sold week.

Then suddenly Friday all went horribly wrong.  I fell hard,  so exhausted I couldn’t stop crying.  My husband made a bath for me to try & relax,  & even after taking 3 grains, the bath seemed to contribute.  He had to physically help me out of the bath & help me into pajamas & bed- at 8pm. I woke somewhere around 11 because my heart  was pounding frantically with a long pause occasionally- like my heart was sighing. I was so out of it I wasn’t sure what to do, so I only took 1 grain & went back to sleep.  When I got up in the morning Nathan validated that my symptoms fit with a thyroid drop, so I took a double dose. 

Since then I’ve been taking the 6 to even 6.5 grains a day,  & I’m just starting  to get back to normal. Of course, it’s only been two days since that horrible drop. My theory is that my thyroid is attempting to function better,  & when my adrenals get riled  (fighting an infection) it kicks my thyroid back up. Hence why I didn’t need so much medicine. But when the adrenal function fell back down, post infection, it was like the lights getting shut off. I was screwed because I couldn’t tell what was happening because logic went out the window first- brain fog is horrible because you think you’re ok,  just a bit slow or off, when in reality you’re missing everything important.

The reason I’m guessing is because I simply don’t have to resources to do the testing  to know for certain. Obama care,  aka affordable care act,  is anything but.  My policy is free to me being  low  income,  but doesn’t cover anything until I’ve spent $13,000.  An oxymoron: low income,  but fork out 13 grand before we cover anything.  Of course the next policy up I could get for $60 a month,  but that’s what I had last year,  & I still spent a thousand dollars on doctors and scripts for me and Nathan. So I opted to skip the monthly bill & just know that anything I do, I have to pay cash for.

So, the blood testing is simply not in that plan. The full thyroid panel alone costs $250 each time it’s run,  & if your thyroid seems to be fluctuating,  you have to do the blood draw every time it seems to shift to know exactly how it’s shifting. Then the nutrient panel cost is about $400, & there is an additional iron panel that tells you if your body is using the iron that’s being absorbed. Then there is the gender hormone panel (tells  you how much estrogen,  progesterone,  & testosterone- which do affect thyroid function), then there is the adrenal function/hormone test.  All in all I could drop  $1500 just for the initial work up, & several hundred dollars for the tests that might be contributing to fluctuations.

Things would be solved much faster with that,  but it’s not impossible without it, so I’m opting for the affordable trial & error. Especially since I have such a desire to have a real home, that I’m doing the trailer rebuild. Can’t put all of your measly resources into two giant costs at once.  Have to pick one.  My theory is if I can get the home done, then if I fail at solving my health I’ll at least have someplace I enjoy to spend the rest of my days on earth. Hopefully it won’t come to that,  but it’s the worst case scenario that led the decision.  Of course what didn’t help:  hearing  this week of 2 famous people that have spent millions going to hundreds of doctors chasing cures over years worth of time. I don’t  have the money,  time, or resources to do that,  so if I can’t solve it on  my own then I’m just screwed anyway.

Here’s to planning for the worst & hoping  for the best! Cheers!