Tag Archives: broken system

Out damn spot.

Like a darkness, an oily soiled evilness, ruining all it touches. Your ick spoils all, your vileness permeates everything and every one. You are the IT of “A Wrinkle In Time”. You are that which none wants, but all fight silently. You are the dis-ease we all fight, the remnants of poor choices past. Humanity, thinking beings, created you. All negative emotions, especially fear, feed you.

Your vileness is unwelcomed in my world.

Get out.

You threaten my thoughts, you threaten my emotions. You create worries and concern. You tell lies and show me death. Yet you are the lie, you are death. Your grim cloak is invisible. Your banshee screams are inaudible. Most pretend they don’t hear or see you, but the human experience is laden with you. Every turn, every moment of life, can cast your shadows.

It is our greatest biological weakness, an inability to escape your touch permanently.

How does humanity stop that which is undetectable, unmeasurable, invisible and silent?

You are worse than any disease because you are the root of disease. Humanity helped you by creating a new bigger, faster, unstoppable version; and we continue to help you by devoting our emotions to fear, only feeding you further.

I choose to ignore you as much as possible. I choose to use your lies to find my truth.

Kill everyone if you want, they will escape your touch in the afterlife. If humanity ends, then so too will the darkness that has gripped an entire planet in fear, crippling logic and stalling real solutions.

“In our darkest days lie our greatest strength.” ~ Master Jim, Troll Hunters a Netflix Original


I scolded my step-daughter this evening, after several events laden with chaos and mayhem. Nathan’s dialysis was one, a conversation about the failings of vaccines another. There were several others less notable.

My scolding was because I saw that fear was causing her to shut down and ignore the message that we were attempting to convey. She clings to the hope promised by the system, and is blinded to the emptiness of those promises. She desperately wants to believe that some pill or some shot will magically solve all her woes. She does not hear me when I tell her they don’t do that for anyone. Any one pill or any one shot, only gives you a chance at the singular thing which it is aimed. There is a myriad of things, and that is why there is a myriad of pills and shots. They are humanities’ feeble attempts at fixing what was broken ages before, and there is no one fix for all of it, except vibrational alignment, and humanity will likely never find alignment as a collective. We must do it as individuals for any chance of survival.

In the scolding, I pointed out to her, that her own mother died because that same system offered empty promises to her mother, cancer treatment failed miserably because she died after a 2 year battle where she couldn’t walk and suffered constantly. I pointed out the same system is currently failing her own father, and even when he is trying to explain something is wrong they ignore him. I pointed out that same system has hurt me repeatedly, and that my direct efforts have helped myself and her father more than anything else.

That is all 3 of her parents, whom have all been let down by the system over and over again.

But for whatever reason, all she sees is the hope laden propaganda, and she needs hope so desperately that it is all that matters.

I however, hope that same darkness referenced above, is the reason I feel like I’ve already lost her. I choose to cling to my own internal hope that she’ll grow a greater awareness and quickly. I choose to cling to my own internal knowing that she is smart enough to decifer real truth from hopeful propaganda. I choose to know that regardless of any of it, whether any of us survive this man made mess or not, that on the other side we will all find relief in a permanent way.

“Where there is a will there is a way.”

I choose to fight for Nathan and send prayers for all of us, knowing that this life might be a loosing battle, but one way or another good will overcome.

Regardless of whether we attracted this disease through poor choices and bad alignment, or actually created it in a lab as an attempt at warfare, either way we are responsible, and either way we still have yet to produce solid reliable permanent resolution for it. The vaccine was a solid attempt, but it’s stats are not holding up to standards set long ago. Continuing to put all of our resources in that basket is risking lives of generations, not just the here and now. The vaccine industry has put profits before lives, and it caused catastrophic failure, not just with covid (revisit effectiveness stats for the last several years of the flu vaccine). And I reiterate we can solve computer viruses easier than human viruses, there is no solidly effective anti-viral for any virus, and no resources are devoted to healing post infection for any disease. Our best bet is still simply to honor the miraculous nature of the human body and feed it well enough to do as it was designed.

We humans are failing ourselves, over and over and over and over and over again.

Right now the most successful survivors are those that have learned their own personal alignment- in all the ways that means. They have the least of the illness, and the least of the long-term ramifications. That is why it is my goal, that is why I devote so much of my time and resources to working on myself.

I choose to honor myself. I choose to respect myself. I choose to educate myself. I choose to arm myself with my own arsenal of awareness. I choose to acknowledge my strengths and work on building up my weaknesses. I choose to be the best me I can be and forgive myself for my lapses. I am human on the journey of life and sometimes it sucks. It’s what you do with that moving forward that counts.

Not even the biggest powers that be have stopped this disease, so I must simply do my best knowing that if I fail it’s still okay. God is the only one capable of stopping this, and it seems that either he doesn’t want to, or is still working on it.

I choose to believe that I and my family will survive and heal fully. I choose to believe that we will find our alignment enough to continue on our journey of life. I choose to believe that God is rooting for me to win, and I’m waiting for my HA moment. In the meantime I will keep reaching for my own inner being because that alone is what has given me everything that has helped me over the years. My inner being has saved me more times than measurable, my inner being has guided me to everything I’ve ever needed to know. I trust my inner being more than anything else, and I always do my best to follow that guidance.

I pray for everyone that doesn’t even know what that feels like. Those are the people that need it the most right now.


May you see the darkness for what it is. May you bring light to all the shadows and find healing for yourself and those around you. May you know that no matter what it’s all okay, even if we all did die, we’d be free of this darkness. May you know that somewhere, somehow there is something more helpful than the failure vaccines. May you know that if we all reach for alignment it will help humanity in all the ways, but especially in finding a real solution for this and all diseases. Above all may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Comfort Levels

One of my transgender clients has made me uncomfortable multiple sessions, and I’m not sure how to handle it.

They are a younger male to female and have not completed their transition with augmentation. That is they still have a man’s body, and simply wear women’s clothes and hairstyles.

Where it is causing discomfort for me is that they are also still functioning out of the men’s paradigm in regards to how they carry themselves, and with an unawareness of how much my profession is affected by traditional gender roles and sexuality. They seem to have no idea about the role of sheets for a massage therapist or how many rules affect my work.

Essentially, this client has layed on top of the sheets in just shorts, every time I have seen them. I start session face down because of their reasons for coming in, so her chest is obscured from view naturally.

The first few appointments I was unsure of how to proceed and just kept them face down, doing as much as possible. Today I knew I must work on their neck better and needed them to turn over, but I was scared to ask.

I explained very gently “If you’re comfortable in doing so, you can turn over and I can spend some time on your neck”. She flipped just like my guys would, I sighed and proceeded.

See on one hand, I am super grateful that this divine feminine took a man’s body and is willing to take on the fight to create change. It is a massive cumbersome job to be authentic to your inner being when the world would rather you do the opposite. I know from my own journey, and as I said before it helps to know you’re not alone. I would congratulate this person in every other part of her life. I just wish she had a little more awareness of rules and laws that are all too frequently intended to keep women covered, or sex hidden, and manipulate gender interactions, creating massive consequences. If she were aware of those issues she should have initiated a brief conversation acknowledging them and consenting to such occurence before I had to ask.

As it is, I sat and thought about licensing laws, board regulations, how the police have been known to bust massage therapists for inappropriate behavior. My mind was on the legal ramifications of how I handled this situation if it was an officer on my table, instead of being fully focused on her massage.

See massage therapists have to follow very strict rules, laws, and ethics guidelines to just go to work everyday. If I fail at that I can lose my certification, my license, and my ability to work as a massage therapist, for the rest of my life.

Women are supposed to be covered from the armpit to below the pubic region at all times. Men only have to have their pubic region covered at all times. Esalen Massage is a modality that is practiced nude and it is illegal in most states, but it is definitely illegal in the Midwest where I practice.

So here is a woman by all indicators for me, following the basic rules for a male massage with just the shorts on.

Even biological women which have little or no breast development, know of these rules and follow them. I’ve had women with absolutely no breast development burrow into sheets to ensure they were more than well covered, because they know and understand the taboo of a woman’s breasts being uncovered.

So how do I make a transgender person whom I accept for being who they are, aware of the discomfort they are creating for me, and especially when I have no control over the rules? It’s a paradox I don’t know the answer to, which causes great concern and discomfort for me.

Thoughts are welcome.

May you find yourself comfortable always. May you know you are safe at work no matter what. May you always do your best to maintain your authenticity, ethics, and professionalism. May you know things always work out somehow. May you know you are loved and accepted in all that you do.

Om Shanti