Tag Archives: busy

BZ

That’s short for busy. Seems I have so much on my plate the humor of abbreviated text speak for busy is quite appropriate.

First, I’m still working 6 to 7 days a week. I’m still processing paperwork and prepping for finally getting a home of our own after 14 years of hard times. Still working toward my business goals, complex as they are; especially now that I’ll have a home which will accommodate more possibilities. Also I’m still aiming for getting a second vehicle again, though that will likely be accomplished next tax season, over 4 months away- *sigh*, it’s okay.

Now add to that I’ve been reading a book on loan from the Chiropractor: “Rich Dad, Poor Dad”. It has gotten me very excited. It’s a book that teaches basic financial literacy, and is validating that I’m on the right track. I have a very, very long ways to go before I accomplish any goals that the book references, but they were already on my horizon. Knowing I’m aiming correctly is great, now I need lots of diligence, and probably several years before I start to see any real results. It’s definitely a very long range goal structure, but one I’m confident I’ll eventually master, and all on my own.

As for that ‘all on my own’ bit: I had a small argument with God this week. I was shown (hard to explain, but kinda like a daydream) that my diverse array of abilities and my strength, my uniqueness, even elements of my appearance, make me attractive to others. Essentially, the message was I could totally be a female ‘player’.

I told God and Nathan, that’s not the point, it was never the point. Nathan replied simply with “I know”.

As much as it feels good to acknowledge that I am attractive to others, and more than one person at that, I know my desires are for more than that. Polyamory was never about being a ‘player’. Polyamory is about love, emotional support, the physicality of daily living with loving life-partners: significant others. And yes, I would like to not have to choose one gender. I would love to honor all of myself by having life partners that honor all the different parts of me, and I can reciprocate with the same for them.

My biggest glitch in acknowledging that I’m attractive to others is that those I intuitively know are attracted to me, are still quite silent on the matter, and I’m not sure I can do or say anything to change that. I don’t know why they choose silence. Perhaps it’s because of how we met, or their perceptions of my marriage to Nathan, or lack of understanding of polyamory in my life, or simply the intimidation thing I seem to carry into infinity. I don’t know. I can’t fix it, so it just is.

One day someone attracted to me will admit it and ask me lots of questions. When that day comes I’ll do a happy dance for their courage, but especially that they even attempted to get to know me as a person. More than anything, I love the feeling of connecting with someone on a deep level, knowing we are enjoying learning about each other. I love the feeling of being appreciated and cared about. That: “someone actually cares enough, to genuinely want to know all of who I am” in an unconditional accepting way.

Nathan has always been that for me, I just wish there were others too. One day perhaps, for now I continue on my own with Shiva’s/God’s help. I told God I’m very appreciative, super thankful, for having the divine connection and all the non-physical help that it has brought. Yet, my ideal would be both. To have that connection with God and also feel the next closest thing to it in people in my life. I have moments like that with Nathan, and it makes me think how wonderful it would be if there were others willing to be in my life that I felt that intensity with on a regular basis…. In daily living. *Sigh*

Anyway, tangent aside, I am looking forward mostly. I continue to do everything I can to improve my life and life for my family.

Nathan mostly took care of my computer glitch, and I finished it off, to then accomplish 2 designs for others.

I also finally spent a while fine tuning my dome designs. Making sure proportions were accurate, I then started placing interior elements and correcting line weights/alignments. It’s a very slow process mainly because I’m super meticulous, but also because I’m literally fine-tuning decisions we’ve talked about and thought about thousands of times.

I’ll end with 2 sections of the plans that saw significant changes. Aahhhh, it’s so nice to dream big sometimes, especially when I can do something about it and make it visible.

May you all be happily busy. May you feel the loving connections in your life daily. May you have things to look forward to and goals to aim for. May you see the validation you seek, and may your dreams be big, but still reachable.

Siva Hir Su

In other news….

That picture is soooo not me, I don’t have a picture of me working out! Perhaps I should fix that!

Anyway, to start, my stress triggers recap: house hunt/purchase attempt(s), Equifax mumbo jumbo, mortgage application, frigid weather, sinus cold, my dad’s state of being, hormones, relationships/moving-on from pointless hopes, kids being kids…

Yeah: I think that’s most of the ones I’ve talked about of late.

Now add to that my brand new shiny computer had a glitch from a recent Microsoft update, and the resulting frustrations over not being able to work on my dome designs. I had really hoped to have a significant amount of that completed to show here by now, but alas it will have to wait until the glitch is resolved. I won’t have Sunday time to do that until after Thanksgiving, but I very much look forward to the results when I eventually do get to it.

I am slowly chipping away at the process to become a continuing education course provider. Currently I’m on the portfolio/curriculum vitae. It doesn’t seem on the surface that it would be a big deal, but organizing 15 years of applicable skills into the format they are seeking is a bit tedious. So that is not completely done yet either, and I haven’t even started writing my courses. I projected 6 months when I decided to commit, and like all cases, my estimate may or may not be entirely accurate, but I will eventually complete it. One step at a time, as my schedule allows.

Finally, because of all these stress triggers, I’m feeling the need to burn it off – quite literally!

Except when I’m smack dab in the middle of a stress-trip with a spice cake right in front of me, I have little to no appetite. I’m still eating, but finding it easier and easier to stick to healthy items in very small portions. That’s a great thing! Especially since I’m officially eating vegan now; no grains, no meat, no dairy, no soy, no nightshade vegetables; except that darned piece of cake!

Then, I have a strong desire to move nearly constantly. In between clients I am finding myself pacing quite a bit. I’ve also been taking every opportunity to go exercise. Being it’s been so much colder, nearly all of my workouts have moved inside. I’ve been alternating between the Planet Fitness across the street from work and the YMCA near home.

I have been lifting 2 to 3 times a week, except this week because my cold caused a missed day. I do use the dummy-proof machines since I’m not working with a trainer or spotter.

As for cardio, I am still getting at least 40 min of speed walking via treadmill 4 to 5 days a week, I aim for an hour when possible. I fluctuate between 3.8 and 4.2 mph on the treadmill because I so enjoy matching the beat of the music I’m listening to. This last week though, I’ve been working with incline more, to push the cardio aspect a bit. It’s that or run, and I really don’t enjoy running…. ¿Yet!? …. Will I ever?

Anyway, I just wanted to share my progress with my readers to show you really can do anything you want. For me, that just means a little of everything.

My current lifts are all weights based on 3 to 5 sets of 10 reps at a time. I do 2 sessions, with the second hitting 5 sets, before I raise the weight by 5 pounds again. Last week I had a day I pushed a little too far or too fast and I really felt it for a couple days afterwards.

  • Leg press 205
  • Leg extension 85
  • Seated leg curl 90
  • Inner thigh (Adductor) 110
  • Outer thigh (Abductor) 110
  • -Glute extension 70 (I haven’t actually done this one recently so it may not be completely accurate.)
  • Back extension 140
  • Abdominal (curl- arms up) 85
  • Abdominal (curl- arms front) 80
  • Rotary torso 80
  • Lateral raise 55
  • Shoulder press (I just learned this is also called military press, and it was one I had backslide on poorly, I’m part way back up.) 30
  • Tricep extension 55
  • Tricep press 65
  • Biceps curl 30
  • Lat pull down 70
  • Seated row 65

I haven’t been good about logging my times weightlifting in the health tracker- mainly because I log the pounds and sets in a different app and forget to duplicate it, but here’s my average steps and calories views.

I’m not seeing the results myself yet, but several people have said I’m looking better these days. In my pregnancies, that stage was 2 to 3 weeks before I actually noticed changes myself. Besides the scales have not budged, they still stay between 220 and 225. Merh.

I welcome all of you to share your progress in the comments as well. I’d really love to know if there’s anyone out there that I’ve inspired in any way, or encouraged to persevere through their own struggles. And there’s always room for commiseration in fitness journeys!

May you all have easy stress free times. May you have great work-outs with plenty of support. May you find you only desire the calories your body needs. And finally, may you see results of your own hard work.

Siva Hir Su

Ripening

I can feel it in the air tonight.

A storm is rolling in, my children are having expansive moments, and I’m fuzzy around the edges: not quite thinking 100% clearly being tired from 12 days of work. I have one day of work to go and beyond being very ready for my day off, I’m aware of a sense of something other than a storm approaching.

In the past, these moments have carried anxiety or a sense of something more intense. At times I’ve used the words: anticipating impending doom. Tonight is different, more reserved, more subtle.

I had a moment of grief at dinner over my probably never coming back SJ. I cried and told Nathan that a heart never forgets having fallen in love. His consolation was that at least I gave the love freely and that has to mean something. He thinks that the divine will send an even better replacement, but I know even the best replacement will not have the exact same feel. That is something I’m just working on coming to terms with.

Ultimately, if there is such an energetic connection and honesty, I’ll likely move on just fine in time. It just seems like this one is taking me a long time to get over.

I told Nathan it all leaves me feeling like boys are dense, and perhaps my attention should be on girls again/for once. But the only girls I’ve caught in my sights are clients (a huge ethical no-no I’m unwilling to break) or already married and most likely monogamous at that. So being I’m still not on social media and not desiring to be on any dating sites of any kind, it seems I’ll have to wait for the universe to send me a girl. God knows what my preferences are, as evidence by the other things I’ve been provided in alignment with my previous asking. So there will eventually be an obvious answer, I must just continue to have patience.

For now, I work on friendship: with existing friends and new work acquaintances. It’s easier and more relaxed anyways, except for my damn schedule being so inconvenient. Plus, I can be a little lazy on friends and fit time for them in as I feel up to it.

It also means I can prioritize me better as well. Sunday being my day off, I will assemble what I have so far of my new computer for graphic design. I’ll get sketch-up and some other software installed to be able to start my images for Atira. Eventually, I will be able to get a pen mouse for detailed work, I look forward to that. In the meantime, I also plan to make some edits to the format of my blog here in WordPress. I’ve hit some pretty exciting milestones at 350 posts over the last 4 years. I feel like my journey needs honoured, so I am going to reflect that in adding to my blog layout. I make no promises as to how long it will take me to do all this computer work, since this week has been so full I barely managed to post at all, but it’s still a short term goal for me.

Wish me well, and if you’re a regular reader, I’d love some feedback/comments or even suggestions.

Be well. May you have rest and relaxation. May you enjoy time off doing things you like/love. May you have easy to accomplish, feel good, goals. And as I’ve often said: may you find all of the love you seek.

Siva Hir Su

Busy working or hardly working?

I’ve been so busy I haven’t been able to do that feel good update. I promised pictures of my veteran’s day service and craft projects I’ve done lately, but I’ve been busy decorating the building at work and so many other things that I never got to it. So, I guess I’ll just have a picture heavy post today.

Veterans day – I only received 2 from my coworker I can post. I’m not allowed to use any pictures where you can tell who the residents are. So these ones are okay, being you can’t see full resident faces. That’s me at the podium, and the gentleman in the blue shirt was my younger veteran volunteer handing out the certificates.

Crafts:

First decoupage platters made with paper napkins…

My first 2 (I’ve since done a third I don’t have a picture of yet):

Finished resident projects:

Sharpie art:

Mine:

I only had a couple of resident examples of the sharpie dye art, but it seems I must’ve used a different device to take those pictures, as I can’t find them now.

Finally, I finished most of the building decorations today, so here’s pictures of my handy work. Everyone loved my “flower” arrangements and holiday trees. I’m glad they liked my work.

It was very fun decorating such large trees. I had never decorated a tree even the size of the smaller one, and the larger one was 2 or 3 feet taller and much wider.

I even dressed up a couple of year round arrangements…

And made a cluster of mini-trees for our Angel Gift Tree. Next week they will be covered in Angel tags for residents donating gifts.

As for home, we are still getting settled, so decorations have not even been attempted, but our living room and bedrooms are to comfy stage, enough unpacked to feel like home.

May you all have a pretty, creative, comfy, and joyfully busy holiday this year.

Hogwash & fiddlesticks, I want to feel good.

So my last post was pure livid anger, and for good reason. But as I’m learning, that Shit is how I spent 20+ years stuck in a depression loop. So damn it, I want to feel good.

That means I must look for what I like, for things I want, for improvement, for solutions, and for love.

It’s hard to do that when you’re so pissed off.

I’m discovering it’s even hard when you’re simply in constant motion. I’m essentially back to work 7 days a week, and when I get confirmation on hours from the building I do activities for, I’ll probably have a total of 3 days off in September. I make it work, and make the best of it, but transition has been difficult for my mental puzzle again. The result has been that I was gifted 2 illnesses (1 digestive, 1 head cold) from my family, since my vibration has been all over the place. I swear I’ve been sick more since thanksgiving than I had been the previous 5 years, and the only thing that’s changed is my intense desire and efforts to produce more income and higher vibration.

It leaves me acknowledging that my negative lapses are manifesting fairly immediately, and being that they’re small and manageable is a fairly good sign. It means that my positive efforts are building steam, which I already knew from the increase in hours and income, but I suppose validation from both sides of the equation is a good thing, a helpful measure so to speak.

So, my 2 ended train is finally moving in the direction I want, albeit slowly. But if I have learned well enough, it means I just need to keep at it to get some good momentum going.

More practice; practice makes perfect.

That’s a sentiment I’ve proven to myself many times over, especially with music and art.

So, since I’m already tired, super draggy, and stuffy headed, having trouble focusing, I thought I better write since it forces me to focus.

This week (or 2?) started with good validations. At one point I had an epiphany (very personal about my childhood “imaginary” friend) I simply asked mentally that if my thoughts were accurate to show me a green & purple dragon (thinking of the puff the magic dragon song). The next day at work there was a bouquet of green and purple flowers that were placed such as to remind me of a scaly dragon head. They were in a residents’ room and she was reading a “song of Solomon” about where someone’s love had gone. I knew it was my validation instantly and nearly cried telling her she was my message from god. Yet since that day I’ve seen nearly a dozen more green and purple dragons.

One of the last ones: I was drawn to stop at a favorite store of mine, but didn’t know why, seeing as I didn’t have any extra cash available for spending fun. While there I thanked the owner for support she gave years ago when Nathan was ill, she said she needed that, and I knew that was part of my visit, but something else was nagging me. I browsed a bit and ultimately discovered my message:

A Shiva statue priced with my birth year, and my dragon request on a singular box of incense. Next to 2 other incense boxes that were one of a kind. I know because it was such an intense set that I looked through the whole wall of incense to see if someone had just misplaced them. No, no matches were to be found, they were the last ones available.

I simply could not resist and bought the incense, knowing I’ll ultimately have to go back for the statue at some point soon. Resistance is futile. You don’t say no to the universe, but it’ll have to wait until payday.

The point of all of this is, I’m definitely getting messages, and they all feel really good. I like that. I love being validated and feeling supported. My only hiccup is in understanding. As in, I only asked for one dragon, and the first was good enough for me. So why then, give me a dozen more, one of which was the exact thought I had- a green & purple- puff the magic dragon?

Does the quantity and repetition equal someone screaming “yes!” from the other side? And if so, I’d think it would start manifesting, like now. I’m going to tell myself that’s the case and see how things unfold.

I have been feeling intense anticipation for some while now, but have difficulty maintaining focus on just that. It makes me all jittery, and ultimately I end up getting distracted by daily interactions. Yet, I suppose that’s the practice makes perfect element.

So, I think about what I want, and possible ways it could happen, and I do my best to make sense of other messages I see. Like I still want to end up in Colorado with a big dome full of people that love me enough to commit to being family. I know who I’d like that to include, but right now I still don’t have any idea how, and I’m doing my best to ignore roadblocks and deadlines in the way of that. I keep reminding myself that the divine can ultimately solve everything in proper timing, even if 60 days seems like a tight squeeze to me, and there’s probably a dozen options I can’t even fathom.

I think of all the other close calls I’ve had and how everything always worked out. God has my back and always keeps me safe. Usually I’m the one that gets in my own way of that, and this time I intend to be a cooperative element helping things flow smoothly.

To that end I even let myself go down a small ego-trip road with how lucky I am to have multiple people that care about me. People that care and help more than my own blood realitives (exception being my parents). It helps me see my good. I thought about my strengths and good qualities, and admitted that even my weaknesses could be worse. I appreciated myself a bit and acknowledged there’s a reason others care. I like knowing that, it helps me see how to love myself. I am a good person and I will get to do great things for this world yet. Of that I’m certain. I know that I must hang in and keep practicing this, and even if I have a few more muggle based action steps to enable myself to practice allowing, at some point soon I will get good at manifesting exactly what I want.

When I do- watch out, because I could end up being the next Oprah/Ellen. Not saying I want to be on TV, I really don’t, I just like how they inspire others and help so many people. Yeah, I want that part, and can totally skip the being on TV.

So this ended up being rambly and all over the place, probably due to that being sick difficulty focusing thing. I apologize for that, but I’m glad you hung in there with me. If I can climb out of decades of depression, and overcome livid anger in a few days, you can too. May we all make a better world by starting with ourselves. A single drop creates ripples in the whole lake.

Postpartum contrast playground.

So the bliss of birth adrenaline & endorphins only lasted me about 2 days this time, and the crash afterward was pretty harsh. My hormones fell off almost the exact same time I started having excruciating pain from nursing. However, my woes with my body are not all that’s happened in the last 2 weeks.

Long story short, I got the short straw genetically speaking when it came to having babies and in nursing too.

In the not so short story, Ian was tongue tied, so we thought pain was related to that and I dealt as best as I could, knowing his mild tongue-tie would grow out; that is until thyroid shutdown happened and I quit producing milk at all.

This time I went in doing my best to tackle both preemptively. However, the diet dictated that some of the milk production tools were off limits third trimester. Then baby was born and she had no tongue-tie at all. She latched just fine straight away, or it appeared so from outside. I started taking milk boosters right away, but immediately discovered nutritional intake & hydration seemed to play a more important role. I also wondered if one or more of the milk boosters was giving little Katherine gas and making her very uncomfortable. Then the pain started.

Initially I thought it was all for having gotten plugged up on a poor hydration day right after birth. So we started doing things I did with Ian: hot compresses, painful massages to force milk flow, hot showers, and very intense pumping. At one point I cranked the strength of the pump up to maximum and in drawing out a plugged spot, I bled. Not good, and so not fun, it scabbed and pain got very severe. Right side was so sore that I favored left and within hours the left hurt even more.

Imagine if you will an ice pick being jabbed into the center of your breast while an infant sucks on it, that’s pretty much what it felt like. I cried through multiple feedings. Because I was struggling with nursing, the midwife’s assistant came and did a weight check, & discovered baby was gaining just fine, great in fact.

They then offered suggestions: nipple shield to help heal, use more nipple butter and more frequently, lecithin supplement to help encourage free flow of milk, and pump milk to dropper feed if necessary (to avoid bottle attachment).

I did all, but wasn’t noticing improvement. 2 days later I took to actually bandaging my nipples with a mixture of nipple butter, lavender essential oil, triple antibiotic, and colloidal silver gel. I made sure to do that in between every nursing, and would pump after nursing to try to keep ducts clear. Eventually the scabbing fell off to reveal large deep cracks & holes in my nipples. 2 more days of the bandaging and the pain finally started to back off.

I’m now in the still painful, but not to the point of tears range. Improvement.

In all of that mess I was drowning in Advil hoping to help the pain, but I ended up reacting to the Red40 coating so much that I spent 2 days with flu-like symptoms including full body aches and severe chills, without a fever.

After consulting with midwife again, she said some moms just get the chills from postpartum shifts in hormones and fluids, but she did say the body aches was an addition that might just be me. I pulled up enough out of the pit of sucky to put two and two together and switched pain relievers to acetaminophen (red free), and amazingly within 12 hours the depression, body aches, and chills ceased. I wasn’t up to rose colored glasses yet, but I wasn’t wanting to give up either, a big improvement.

At this point, with breast healing started, and pain mostly under control, I’m maybe 80% to figuring out what all happened.

So far I’ve figured out:

The baby having gas so bad does seem to correlate to either my milk tea blend of one of the supplements, so I have some more adjustments to figure out which.

I am having to stay strict on my diet, but it seems I can and should be consuming more sugar/carbs to keep my milk supply tasty for baby’s desires. So far that’s mostly manifested in nuts, chocolate, and fruit. Side note: I’ve lost about 45 pounds this pregnancy, & I’m back to where I was when I gave birth to Ian, 100 pounds lighter than my heaviest. Healthy baby too.

And the cracking & holes in my nipples that induced such horrific pain seems to be less about baby’s latch, and more about me having “flat nipples”. I put it in quotations because they’re not literally flat, the description that got us to that decision essentially said flat nipples are nipples that don’t stretch easily or as far as is normally expected, and thus damage is caused to the nipple during nursing. So wonderful, right?! To that end my efforts will eventually work, but I’ll have to be diligent with goo & shields until I’m fully healed.

———-

In other news….

We’ve been wearing baby a lot, especially with the gas troubles & nursing troubles, wearing her has soothed her nerves. We wore both Ian and Anya when they were littles, and have found 3 slings from previous, a Moby and 2 4-strap slings. I wanted to find the ring slings that I’d made and saved, but we have yet to find those, so we’ve used scarves and sarongs as substitutes. It works. Really, the difference is: moby style slings are best for long snuggle front wearing, 4-strap slings are better for kids that can hold their head up to be hauled backpack style, and ring slings or scarves/sarongs are good for impromptu short front or side wearing. The bonus of a ring sling over scarves is they’re easily adjustable and have a tail that doubles as a nursing hood, some even have pockets in the tail for small items like phone, keys, Binki, etc. They’re really convenient, and I love them. Today I chose one of my purple scarves though and it worked pretty well.

She’s so beautiful that complete strangers have stopped & commented the couple of times we’ve been out with her. I also can’t get over her black hair & eyes, neither Nathan or I have black. His is very dark brown, but still very much brown. How she got black only god or science can explain.

I’ve also enjoyed snuggling baby & kitties, all our cats are doing well with baby.

————

We also did get another step of basement work done. The wall at the end of the furnace went up & was trimmed out, & since big things were done we cleaned up the space to be our multipurpose room. It’s coming along nicely.

We even started to pull out electronics & organize our belongings. I don’t know if the TV will stay where it is (on top of the Ikea cubby shelves seperating Ian’s room), but it works for now.

I’m glad there’s progress happening, especially in the realm of pain relief. Even if it’s been a hard could of weeks, it’s still been worth it.

Screaming or Cowbell?

So my weeks have been very busy. I’ve been in constant motion for nearly a month, having only had one day with any notable downtime. It’s not all been working, but a vast majority of it has been.

I’ve made strides to put my puzzle back together. Right now, with the help of wonderful friends; I have diet, supplements, exercise, and sleep mostly worked out and staying together. Also, I am getting a little bit of meaningful social interaction through staying with those good friends (though I sometimes apparently overly worry about being a nuisance and outstaying my welcome), and I feel like I could benefit from more socializing, if only there were a few more hours in my week, The one thing I am still lacking is enough quality light, but with 4.5 out of 6 puzzle pieces, I’m hanging in fairly well. Some Days better than others.

This last week, Tuesday was all about our weekly shopping and errands because between everything else it was the only opportunity. All day with a cranky toddler bouncing stores was difficult, but manageable. One of the stops was a friend’s house where I bestowed helpful gifts to her and she returned the favor by bestowing Nathan with a bunch of photography equipment. It made his day.

Wednesday was the icing on the cake. It was a fit-it-in the best-we-could, trip to visit my parents and brother in Iowa. One which was filled with little Ian being as cranky as he could be; hard for a 3 hour drive. At one point he saw a cow-bell that had been tucked under the seat since last Halloween, over a year ago. After screaming at his sister several times that he wanted it, I said “Just give him the damn cow-bell, it’s cow-bell or screaming, and I’m sick of the screaming.” So then we had several periods of cow-bell filled driving throughout the day, I’m not sure it was the best choice, but still a notch better than screaming.

We had lunch and a couple of hours of visiting with my dad, where upon he bestowed more gifts. I’m very appreciative of them because they were things I’d wanted but not been able to obtain myself. Additionally they represented confirmation of my most recent request for a physical manifestation that things were moving. I needed physical evidence of what I thought I’d been getting through my various messages. Dad’s gifts, and even the photo equipment from our friend, were definitely that, they were things we’d asked for and the universe just plunked them down into our experience. It was nice to have a physical manifestation of our process, and expressing gratitude over that was nice. I look forward to the rest of the journey now that I have some validation of what I’ve been seeing.

After visiting with dad we drove about 40 min further to see my mom and younger brother for dinner at an in-between-spot for everyone. It too was a nice visit. None of my family has the ability to host any of our visits, and we have equal inability to host any one of them visiting, so a few hours in a restaurant is as good as it gets. Yet it was good quality time.

The one thing that left me shaking my head is that both parents very clearly stated they were ready to check out, exit this experience, and croak. The both seemed very intent on making sure that I knew that and that they intended to be as little burden as possible. I found myself asking Nathan on the way home “Why on earth did my parents both tell me that? Isn’t it bad enough that I play energetic-grim-reaper with nursing-home-peeps all the time? Why do they have to express a desire to check out, to me? It’s like they asked me in as close of muggle vocabulary as they have, to help them check out – energetically, and I’m not sure how I feel about that.” Nathan replied with something like: at least they respect me enough to want to eliminate being a burden, and that they on some level honor and respect my abilities. I suppose, it’s just really strange, and I know I’ll miss them. Despite the strife in our family over the last decade, I will still miss my parents when they are gone. I suppose it just is.

I told God that I respected their choice to want to exit early, swiftly, and gracefully, and asked for divine assistance on that one. I can still send energy their way from afar, but I’d rather leave that one up to the divine. This is one instance where I’m personally not seeing the immediate benefit of someone relaxing into their croaking experience. I’m sure there is one, I just don’t see it, so I question whether or not my abilities would be helpful in this situation. Yet, I’ve told the divine I’ll do whatever is needed of me, and if that means zap my parents with Reiki then that’s what I’ll do. Just waiting on confirmation of that from the divine.

Any-who, beyond that I’ve worked a lot, gotten my bare minimums of exercise, and done my best to increase sleep. I think baby is wanting me to sleep 9 hours a night, but most nights I manage about 8. It means I constantly feel draggy, but functional. No naps, and not nearly enough caffeine to make up the difference. Yet, it is enough that I pulled out of the depression nose-dive I was in for a couple of weeks there.

I still think about my online boy. One of the friends that I have stayed with gave me an interesting perspective on the situation calling him a tantric twin, which is apparently very similar to, but not exactly the same as twin flame. I told her if that’s the case then I, Nathan and him are at least triplets, and being that I’ve had thoughts of another woman in the same energetic vicinity, there could be quadruplets. She laughed and said it’s entirely possible. Regardless she had some helpful thoughts on why I can’t let go of him despite the lack of communication, and offered some suggestions for me to try. The goal at the moment is that I’ve taken easy access off of my phone, and to that end I’ve been doing more guided meditations, mantras, and asking for my dreams to provide guidance. I know my mood is better and I’m more hopeful, than when I was constantly checking in and realizing he wasn’t going to respond.

It also seems like the divine does want something to come of it. I say this because of this:

IMG_20171117_121425_01

For work Thursday morning I went to look up Daily Devotionals for our morning devotional reading, knowing the residents were finding my droning voice unappealing. I literally typed Daily Devotional into the YouTube search bar on the work computer which I’ve never, ever, logged into using my personal information. It’s a generic computer that no-one logs into.  The top 7 results included what you see here. The first 3 were christian devotionals, exactly what I had aimed to find to appease residents. Then 2 were Shiva devotionals, more what I would prefer; but then I noticed one of the 2 was in Telugu. That’s the language I’d started learning just for the online man,  knowing that learning another’s language efficiently expresses how much you care about them. The bottom video on the list was Depeche Mode’s “Devotional” performance. As I listened to the first few minuets of that, I realized they were all songs that I had already associated with him. Additionally this was all after I had already seen visual messages telling me something was up with him.

I was left dumbfounded and questioning what I needed to take away from these experiences. Between my conversation with my friend, and my visual and video messages, I knew the divine was trying to tell me something significant. Yet again I found myself saying WTF? What are you trying to tell me.

Last night I said tell me in my dreams. Tell me about the near future. I dreamt of him, nothing else. I got to hear from him, and see him, and I was super happy about it, but his expression remained stoic. On the way to work I though about it. My conclusion was that it was one of two things, based on having experienced the reactions of others. My first thought was that he was playing the poker face, attempting to cover his true reactions to hide from the ramifications of what his reactions would mean. My second thought was the stoic face of melancholy depression, one that I fought years to learn how to hide behind a false smile. Either way my dream did not really provide any clarity for my messages the days before. I suppose that this is yet another notch on the patiently wait and see.

Regardless, that constant motion in my life continues, and now is no different. Off to find my sofa for the night and crash. A very tired, yet optimistic Treasa, hoping that perhaps the gaps in my understanding will find clarity on this night, both with my parents and with the boy. Regardless I still send love, it’s all I can do for now.

Weird, just plain weird.

So I know that God is working on helping me. How I know is things just keep getting stranger by the day. I keep repeating “I see that things are changing, I’m doing my best to trust, and I’ll do whatever you want me to and do my best to see the positive in everything.”

I just wrote last night, but it seems today has brought more twists and turns and I need to process. I have the time because I’m house sitting for a good friend who also happens to be a fellow massage therapist, which means we trade quite frequently. It’s great, her style is very similar to mine, and we mesh well on many levels. Her pooches even love me, so she asked me to sit her dogs knowing it would give me another opportunity to skip some driving. I’m much appreciative. I feel much more rested when my day doesn’t involve 3 hours or more of driving. So that is how I’ve managed to fit in not one, but two blogs this week.

So, that’s not really weird, just amazingly helpful. Where is the weird then?

I got to work with 15 minutes to spare this morning, and knew I needed to punch in about 10 late for having gone over the previous day. I proceeded to leisurely prep for my day knowing I was essentially working off the clock, but knowing full well it was my choice. I was essentially going through the craft room seeing what was available for the crafting activity later in the day. I became so engrossed in my explorations finding cool things to work with that I ended up clocking in nearly 30 min late, not just the 10 initially planned. Not a big deal, and I figured my day would provide the opportunity to correct that, which sure enough it did.

That was just a taste of weird. In the crafting activity I set out to provide options, ones that I had seen done at other buildings where I do my massage work. I thought surely that one of them would be welcomed. After laying out all of the supplies and describing the choices, I looked around to a silent room of blank stares. NOTHING! Really!  So, I proceeded with plan B and began walking through how to make a wreath using a simple wire frame. If no one wants to participate, then live action crafting show it is.

About 3/4 of the way through making the wreath a person to my right is grumbling about how she doesn’t think it is going to work or look nice. Then the woman directly across from her starts complaining about why are we just sitting here and not doing anything. I replied directly to her that it was because I brought out materials to do a myriad of crafts and gave 5 specific examples and a room full of adults couldn’t tell me anything they wanted to do. I then explained that they were all adults with opinions and desires, and that I was doing my level best to provide them with enjoyable activities, and that they could provide constructive input and offer suggestions instead of just complaining or sitting like bumps on logs. I then revisited the initial offer choices and asked her directly if she wanted to do any of them, at which point she said no. I said fine then, does anyone want to do any of them. I got 2 responses out of a group of 10 people. SO I proceeded to help the 2 people complete their choice and then moved on to finishing my wreath.

Employees thought it was hilarious because the one that complained the loudest apparently does that to everyone, I then ended up having a discussion with my co-worker about how instead of having comedy hour at my expense they could offer up suggestions or help. She said it really wasn’t like that and they meant no foul- really just finding amusement that I was essentially one of them, being treated the same way by the resident. I said well, I can understand where the humor comes in, but that they could have filled me in on the potentiality of that, and ways that they as staff have learned to diffuse the situation. Reiterating that I am the newbie still and I simply don’t know these things because the faces are still relatively new to me, I simply don’t have a full understanding of their backgrounds yet. She conceded that I had a point, and we came to an understanding of some possibilities of how to catch me up to speed. Also, she did let me know that if Aids are not busy I can ask them to help (something I was unsure of and explained to her that some of my buildings that is off limits and not even possible).

In the end I think that even though I got frustrated it was ultimately a good outcome and the discussion with my co-worker was definitely fruitful.

Later, I ran into the lady that recommended me for the position (now my boss’ boss) and I told her all about it. She said that there will always be those days, and did reiterate that some of those things will die down once I do get a better grasp of the people I am working with. We had a good discussion about many of the factors that contribute to moments like that. She then let me know that the person that switched from my position, to take a position with the other side of the building, didn’t come in for work and that they were again down a person. She confessed that the other employee had gotten overwhelmed with the position she was in, and they didn’t know if she would be back. I gave an apology and said let me know if you need anything. At the end of the day I went back to ask her about my time off request for the December Choir/Orchestra performance, and upon leaving I got a nudge to be more specific about my earlier comment. I told her that I realized it was between them and the employee, but that if the other person wanted their job back I was willing to switch or do whatever was needed by the company to help with that. She asked me if that was affected if it meant working 5 days a week, and my reply was simply I’d make it work. I said that “I just really wanted you (boss/friend) to know that I would be willing to do whatever is needed of me” (echoing my internal dialogue with God). All of this was in knowing that I took the position because of divine influence and I am really doing my best to follow the rabbit trail. As soon as, the words left my mouth I felt the classic tinglies down my spine that have always acknowledged that I did/said the right thing. She then confessed that her and the building director had actually had a conversation about that possibility the previous week, before the employee failed to show for work.

I finished my day out showing the residents, at least that were interested, my favorite show. “Kindness Diaries” on Netflix.  I had talked about it earlier in the day and they were interested. As I showed the first 2 episodes, they were hooked, they actually stayed awake (all but 1) and they would comment on things that were going on in the show. It may have helped I served cake and tea while watching the 2nd one. Surprisingly, my complainer from earlier became quite chipper and content. It also helped my mood at lot to have a touch of “Kindness Diaries” in my day. Ultimately they were so interested that we ended up watching 5 episodes back to back and having a volley of discussion occasionally.

So, essentially my day had some odd time glitches, an uncomfortable exchange with my charges, and ended with the possibility of getting a sideways promotion and some feel good TV.

I have no idea if I would get a raise, but I do know I would get more hours. It would make for stable adequate income and once we were moved and had finances straightened out (budget), I could begin to slowly eliminate some of my massage work. I’m not sure the extra day a week would be enough income to completely drop all of my massage work, so I probably wouldn’t. Also, there are 3 buildings that I am getting along great in anyway. So those 3 contracts I would probably keep alive and going as long as I could manage. Though it has occurred to me that I need to renew my liability insurance and re-up my CPR certification to keep doing my massage work. So many things, so little time!

I have no idea where this ride is headed, but it seems I keep holding on and finding faith that it is headed toward the great things I’ve asked for, for so many long years. I simply can’t explain the odd synchronicity any other way. I’m just constantly looking for the path of least resistance anymore, and it seems at every turn something strange launches me toward the next interesting step. If nothing else life has definitely gotten more interesting!

Huzzah!

So, I’m 165 posts into writing, having begun Januray 2016. Nathan has reiterated that I have written at least enough for one novel, maybe 2 or 3. I was curious and discovered that I could get accurate word stats if I upgrade to a paid wordpress account. Perhaps I’ll do that after a paycheck or two from the new job. It’s not really in the budget right now. Of course I know how to manually tally each post up to find my overall total, but I’ve definitely not got the time to wade through all 165 posts to do that! So for now, I’m just going to acknowledge that Nathan’s probably right and I’ve written a lot.

Who knew? I sure didn’t, I went into this writing thing kicking and screaming. I felt like it was too much like when I was in college. WORK! Now I see the benefit of writing; especially since I’m no longer writing about arbitrary subjects dependent on some arbitrary class I was required to take. Now I see that when you write about things that matter to your own little slice of the universe, it actually feels good. It helps me process, it helps me to vent at times, I can think things through and put relatively coherent thoughts to my feelings- be they good or bad, positive or negative. It has helped me to say things that I really didn’t have any other way to say them. It has also helped me to define things, like how do I know when something seems to be divinely influenced- logic leaves the room, but I still feel things so intensely I must say something, I must at least attempt to put words to my thoughts and feelings. So in that respect writing has been huge.

Now that 165 posts has been 1.75 years worth of my life, and a retelling of some of my history.

The original goal of the blog was to write about building a safe comfy home. That fell through.

Then it began to include writing about my work as a massage therapist, it seems that as well may eventually come to an end. It isn’t tomorrow, too many bills to pay, and now an extra child to plan for. However, I simply can’t foresee continuing to work 6 or 7 days a week indefinitely.  I think it would eventually kill me. This is definitely a “temporary” situation, and being that I’m a bit burnt out on doing massage, at the moment I would think it would be the first to be given up. I do enjoy helping people, but I do also like making plenty of money and I also like having benefits, neither of which really truly happened working as even a successful self-employed massage therapist. Which, by the way, was more of a success than any job I had doing the same work. The next most successful moment was working for the one chiropractor, that is until he worked me too long and hard, and I almost didn’t make it home one night. Good wages or not, that one was simply not worth it.

In my blog I’ve covered things that bug me, get my goat so to speak. I’ve ranted and raved, and written well thought out arguments for my views on a few topics. That, I think, is when I realized that despite the original goal of this blog, I was simply writing about me.

SO, then I decided if I was going to write about me, why not just write about everything. Everything became equal fodder, nothing was off the table. The topics began to include my views on life, god, the divine, my religious beliefs, polyamory and my family. I knew going into many of those topics that I could be treading into murky treacherous waters. I simply have a much more diverse view of the world than much of mainstream society, and when that happens, it’s likely that you can get not so pleasant feedback. Fortunately, of all my readers, I’ve gotten no negative feedback and for that I’m simply grateful. There were moments after posting articles that I would stop and console myself preemptively, knowing that my words would be different, not what much of America would want to read and think about. I knew I could get some scary comments, yet none ever came. For that I am utterly grateful. I am very appreciative that my simply process here has for the most part been well received, and I have welcomed and appreciated every last bit of support.

I write all of this, just to solidify for myself that writing has been a good endeavor and that I should keep plugging away. I have scarce time these days, so it may become increasingly challenging to commit to and follow through with writing. In fact the only reason I have time now, is because I went to invoice on my half day off, and the new processing system for the one corporation (4 of my buildings) had not been set up, and thus invoicing didn’t happen. It’s okay, I’ll have all of the 3rd “off”, so I can catch up then. just a few days behind schedule.

So then a quick update is in order while I still have a few moments left.

My son has missed me so much that he is very clingy and when I go to leave he erupts in tears. My daughter is even more huggy, she always was, but it seems like the time apart has actually caused appreciation to manifest in my family in a more noticeable and visible way.

My husband is still struggling to keep up, and thus he still shows frustration. He spent several days driving around looking for properties to call on, so the house work fell grossly behind- something that always causes friction between us. I simply hope that after 14 years of marriage/life-together, he figures out how to make practical hands-on time-management improvements based upon what I have tried to explain thousands of times. That’s all, and at this point I still struggle to see those improvements depending on the day.

The saving grace is that I can acknowledge that:

  1. we are drastically different personalities and we’ve always disagreed on what is most important. For instance, I can’t stand clutter, but Nathan has always had a high tolerance for it.
  2. he is struggling internally as much as I am, but often in different ways. He does still have a heart condition. His meds do affect his cognitive abilities, and even at times his emotional stability. We now know that his kidneys are struggling a bit- not truly failing, but something he’ll have to make adjustments for. We know that he has high cholesterol and needs to make adjustments for that as well. The one we’re still waiting to find out on is the Melanoma, initial blood-work didn’t give us that answer. If he does have it, it may or may not be easily treatable, the biggest catch if he does, is finding the tumor(s) and removing all of them. So, I can’t hold him to the same standards as most others because he is literally facing challenges every day just being alive.
  3. I love him. Truly and deeply. That makes everything else somehow worth it. I’ve agreed with the saying before that love is not a potato, but when you love someone to that extent, you’ll do whatever is in your power to help them and be with them. My Nathan is no different, and since we long ago chose to combine our lives, I’ve stuck it out and everything we do, we do as a family.

Finally, my down time last night and today has been filled with thoughts of the boy. I haven’t heard from him for a while again, but this is wedding month, so I think that all has been going on. It would definitely take priority.

I had done my best to push him out of my mind, and of course all I managed to do was eliminate obsessing over him. I never did completely forget about him, but being so busy, the thoughts were fewer and further in between. Yet, last night I felt him, again this morning, and again this afternoon. I feel like he has finally admitted he has feelings for me, because that was the way it felt. Before, I would send love and get that pit in my stomach in return- the kind you get when you want something, but you are afraid of the consequences. But the last 24 hours I have felt warm and fuzzy and all melty on the inside, and there was a mental interaction that I think has great ramifications. Only time will tell on that one.

I think for him it was originally an either or decision, but now that he’s committed to the wife (who has been told about me at least once, he posed a question to her about me early on) I think he’s now beginning to wrap his brain around logistics of polyamory. MY hope is that he is filling the wife in on all of the details that might have been glazed over at earlier discussions.

When I have sat with this, I get messages that seem to imply they will both be heading back here to KC soon. Though, I think she must have some commitment that she has to wrap up first, because the messages imply him and later her. Regardless, it seems that the divine/other-side is supportive of us all sharing one home and acting as one extended family. That message I love and very much look forward to. So much so, that I told Nathan to contemplate that as he looked for houses. Nathan’s response was why don’t we continue as planned and we can always adjust at a later date. I said sure, and perhaps the rent to own situation might allow for additions or adjustment to floor-plans!

Who really knows. All I know is that right now, I still feel really, really good about this man, and can’t wait to hear from him again, I also can’t wait to find out more about his now wife. I really do want to make her feel welcome if she makes the choice to support the polyamory decision. I want her to feel the loving supportive freedom that polyamory can provide. That would be ideal.

Anyway, I have just run out of time, so until next week- Adieu! Be well my readers, and thank you so much for reading and being supportive of my very unique views and life.

Tis the season. 

Happy holidays everyone.

Tis the season for busy bustle, and it’s no different for us. As if we haven’t already been insanely busy. 

We moved into the 3rd house for heat, & 3 weeks later we’re still cleaning & pulling belongings from the shell of our house to be.

All of my houseplants froze. I’ll end up having a small “plant funeral” when the proverbial dust settles.

We’ve had the wood stove fired up for a while now,  and I must say I love it. There’s nothing like having a fire to watch,  and the heat is amazing.  We’ve now gotten the house  so warm that we were getting dehydrated (even with kettles of water on top) & overheated ourselves. I’ve opened windows on 3 occasions to help cool down. 

There is a little bit of a learning curve. I’m the best at restarting it in the morning without filling the house with smoke, but by no means perfect. We’ve also learned a lot about hard vs. soft woods, & how to stack the fire to last overnight.  We’ve had a few mornings where we woke up cold  because of improper fire building & failing to tend in the middle of the night.  Though even those somewhat cold mornings are no comparison to space heaters with no insulation.  I’ll take the failed fire any day!

Since we’re  using the wood stove,  we’re using wood.  Apparently, we didn’t cut much wood to the proper size, so Nathan’s been a veritable lumber jack cutting  wood most of several days now.  Luckily our work last summer means that we have plenty to cut.

Cats are not only enjoying the heat,  but they are getting along great. It’s so much fun watching them playing,  & every time I sit the 3 young ones come sit on me & cuddle.  I told Nathan that it’s ok I’m not pregnant,  I had a litter of kittens. Ha!

No run in’s with momma cougar,  but I did have a dream I’ll share in another post. It was pretty funny. 

This house isn’t pretty either,  & has it’s own share of needing fixed,  but I think I’ve managed to make it feel more like home.  Nathan says I’ve raised the vibrations of it as home by several notches. 

Finally,  right now I’m  headed (car-pooling) to the final practice  for the community choir & orchestra- of which I was begged to join. The 4th instrument I learned growing up was Oboe, and they needed one. 

 Our  Holiday performance is Saturday, and I’m torn because I am enjoying playing music again, but this has been way more stressful than I’d like.  Fitting it into my schedule was hard enough,  but car-pooling hiccups meant I was late more often than on time – something the director didn’t take well to. I became the veritable whipping boy & anything that was wrong with intonation was blamed on me.  Now I’m essentially biting a hole in my lip to try & play as sharp as everyone else.  

You see when many instruments warm up they tend to gravitate toward being sharp,  Oboe definitely gravitates toward flat. Hence the dissonance. 

I was playing directly into my digital tuner so I knew that I was hitting notes mostly on pitch, but even on pitch  against a quarter step sharp sounds horrible. 

 So, he rudely took me off of a part 2 practices ago.  The removal only partly bothered me in and of itself.  It was how he rudely did it in front of everyone that really upset me. 

Now I find myself playing tentatively or not at all. What was supposed to be a fun revival of concert hall music,  now has become me trying to decide if I even want to show up for the performance. 

Sadly,  my responsible ass will show up and play even if I feel like a stupid out of tune schmuck. I will just have to try to not let it bother me.

Maybe my wonderful love interest will keep distracting me with his great conversations- I know Nathan misses him as much as I do. It’s wonderful to have such a supportive husband.