Tag Archives: busy

Throuple or Quadouple?

The lyrics above, I took a screenshot of: Alan Walker’s “Faded”, has been a reoccurring song reminder of my SJ. I do often wonder if that exchange is my own personal Atlantis, and still hope it’s not.

Regardless of that reminder appearing in my day, I had originally set out to write today to discuss a new, but not really new to me, concept.

I was introduced to the word-invention: Throuple.

I got very excited because the person that explained it was a woman I’m attracted to. I was psyched that she knew of polyamory topics enough to introduce a new word to my vocabulary.

So, the word itself I’d never heard before, yet the concept is one Nathan and I have discussed many times over. Essentially, based upon my new search, it’s a variation of the family of 3 concept, started by a somewhat famous/infamous triad of two men and one woman.

Once upon a time “ménage à trois” was the French phrase that many English speaking people used to describe a man with 2 women. Literally the French phrase can mean any family of three, even 2 parents and a child. However for whatever reason it often was innuendo for a triad of adults, usually 1 man and 2 women, being intimate.

Nathan and I were labeled unicorn hunters when we intended to seek that out. After many failures, we decided to redefine our acceptable arrangements and open ourselves to more options.

Fast forward a decade and I’m sitting having a conversation with a very attractive potential mate. She proceeded to describe a Throuple as really any 3 or 4 adults, but her ideal was one or two women and two men because women are more complex than many men. We connected intensely in that conversation.

I explained to her about having been labeled unicorn hunters, and that we opened ourselves up to more options. So, even though I’d never heard the word, we had discussed for many hours over many years, our preferences and okay concessions.

I agreed with this person on most everything and a few of her points made Nathan think more deeply. My current ideal is flexible in quantity, hence creating Quadouple, even quincouple (don’t want to get it confused with the babies’ quintuple). However, I do agree with women being complex enough to need more people to meet more complex needs. Plus there is always benefit to multiples in creating flexibility. The 4 or 5 concept can be subdivided multiple ways, and in varying combinations to create a seemingly unlimited way to experience each other. {A+B+C and D+E, or A+D and B+E with C being alone, and so on.} You get the idea, lots of ways to be together or separate as each individual prefers at any given moment, and it’s not restricted to intimacy, that can even been in mundane interactions.

So yes, I was very excited to have new vocabulary for existing concepts in our experience. I haven’t been able to get that conversation out of my head, and it’s been 3 days since our Valentine’s Day date. Perhaps this is a new leaf enabling more moving forward. I’m hesitant but excited.

Bonus, the date was at a Mexican restaurant that pushed literally every allergy button while getting drunk, but I took extra allergy meds, and came through the experience in relatively good condition. I did have a fair hangover with significant inflammation, but was able to manage the effects with Advil and more allergy medicine and a good amount of detox tea. I was a bit sore in joints the following day, but managed to stay out of the hole I used to fall into.

Beyond our exciting V-Day date, I had a half day off for my family to honor me with a small pleasant birthday celebration, and spent the rest of my weekend unpacking boxes that had been in storage for years. It enabled even more beautification of our new home. It was a good few days, and I look forward to more and more enjoyable days like that.

May you all find good reminders of your hopes and connections. May you find reasons to be excited moving forward. May you find exciting validation of your goals and preferences. May you find people you are attracted to, and whom are attracted to you as well- reciprocation. May you have good dates, fun holiday cerebrating, enjoyable birthdays, and good times with family. May you feel attractive, accepted, loved, and supported. May you fall in love more than out of it. May you know God is helping and guiding you. May you feel confident in everything working out for the best. May it all always be okay.

Siva Hir Su

8,745; 20,928; 17,416

That’s the number of steps I’ve incurred over the last 3 days. Almost all of them accomplished while also doing heavy lifting. … That’s 47,089 steps in 3 days along with hours and hours of hoisting belongings for our entire family.

We’re moving into our new home. Nathan and I doing it all alone as usual. Our Facebook friends were no help, no surprise there (have I mentioned there’s a reason I don’t do social media). The handful I direct texted or talked to in person were all predisposed. (Just once I’d love for one of the people we’ve helped to return the favor, and there’s quite a few of those.)

I could have hired movers, but that would have eaten money I could put towards finishing Anya’s bedroom, as that’s the room that was started in the previous owners’ house remodel, but not finished.

We all make choices, some are totally worth it, but still painful to get through. This would be one.

I love my family enough to ensure my dollars go toward more long-term oriented goals in making my choices. I’ll suffer the move to make sure my daughter’s bedroom is beautiful, and to her desiring, in the near future. It’ll also ensure windows get replaced sooner than later (as discussed before the offer was made). It also ensured I was able to get area rugs and a few pieces of furniture replaced that sorely needed it ages ago.

I am appreciating that I have the ability to even make these choices. I’m also appreciating that I find myself less worried about the dollars I’m spending. There is a knowing I’m making the best choices for my goals, and I have the finances to accommodate, even if it gets slightly tight at certain points in my monthly and yearly cycles. I’m still no millionaire, a long ways from that in fact, but I’m super appreciative that I’m no longer a few hours of work from food stamps. I’m ever so grateful that I’m much less worried about making my bills each month, and haven’t had to seek financial assistance from charities in several years. There could be more in my experience, but my gratitude for God’s help is immense because I have experienced far less for more years than I care to count.

Last night a church group was going door to door, passing pamphlets and preaching on repentance. She asked me if I was having fun moving and I just said no.

As she left I muttered to God that she has no idea how many years of penance I’ve experienced and if she really cared for others in her neighborhood she’d offer to help instead of preaching when I’m working my ass off. On their second pass through she had the kids that were with her help us for a few minutes. I thanked her and then proceeded to thank God with every box I lifted. I knew he had heard my grumbles, and that’s what matters.

I know that I’m part of the reason that others never return the favor, but I’m just not certain how. I know I’ve come to expect it, as this situation has been a repeat experience, so law of attraction is probably as major factor. However, I’m not certain that’s the only reason. I wonder if I am just not warm or friendly enough, or if my long hours of work that has been so beneficial to unburying financially, caused others to give up on me. I just don’t know for sure why, even though I’ve done heavy lifting for others, I never see reciprocation. It just is what it is.

The one friend that I know, who has already done wonderful things for me -my massage therapist of 7 years- lives over an hour away now. So, I didn’t have the heart to beg her for help knowing she’d have to drive so far to be of assistance. One day I’ll have more valuable friends that reciprocate my actions.

Probably long before that day, I’ll have a beautifully landscaped yard, Anya’s room will be finished, windows will be replaced, and we’ll have painted our home in beautiful bright hues of the whole rainbow. I even want to do at least one mural, though I’m not sure where yet.

For now my focus continues to be work and home. Things I already have, which I’m very appreciative of and grateful for, that can be improved upon. Once we are fully moved and settled, I’ll refocus on those things I started a while ago, books I’m reading, CEU instructor certification, artwork, etc. There is plenty for me to do to fill a whole lifetime, and perhaps at some point in all that God will surprise and delight me further.

May you all be satisfied with your choices, even when the consequences are less than desired. May you see and acknowledge your improvement. May you see God’s guidance and support in your life. May you have an endless list of things to be grateful for and appreciative of. May you see plenty to focus on in the here and now. May you have things that you can improve upon without too much difficultly or resource consumption. May you know that God is listening and offering replies. May you know you are loved and supported.

Siva Hir Su

BZ

That’s short for busy. Seems I have so much on my plate the humor of abbreviated text speak for busy is quite appropriate.

First, I’m still working 6 to 7 days a week. I’m still processing paperwork and prepping for finally getting a home of our own after 14 years of hard times. Still working toward my business goals, complex as they are; especially now that I’ll have a home which will accommodate more possibilities. Also I’m still aiming for getting a second vehicle again, though that will likely be accomplished next tax season, over 4 months away- *sigh*, it’s okay.

Now add to that I’ve been reading a book on loan from the Chiropractor: “Rich Dad, Poor Dad”. It has gotten me very excited. It’s a book that teaches basic financial literacy, and is validating that I’m on the right track. I have a very, very long ways to go before I accomplish any goals that the book references, but they were already on my horizon. Knowing I’m aiming correctly is great, now I need lots of diligence, and probably several years before I start to see any real results. It’s definitely a very long range goal structure, but one I’m confident I’ll eventually master, and all on my own.

As for that ‘all on my own’ bit: I had a small argument with God this week. I was shown (hard to explain, but kinda like a daydream) that my diverse array of abilities and my strength, my uniqueness, even elements of my appearance, make me attractive to others. Essentially, the message was I could totally be a female ‘player’.

I told God and Nathan, that’s not the point, it was never the point. Nathan replied simply with “I know”.

As much as it feels good to acknowledge that I am attractive to others, and more than one person at that, I know my desires are for more than that. Polyamory was never about being a ‘player’. Polyamory is about love, emotional support, the physicality of daily living with loving life-partners: significant others. And yes, I would like to not have to choose one gender. I would love to honor all of myself by having life partners that honor all the different parts of me, and I can reciprocate with the same for them.

My biggest glitch in acknowledging that I’m attractive to others is that those I intuitively know are attracted to me, are still quite silent on the matter, and I’m not sure I can do or say anything to change that. I don’t know why they choose silence. Perhaps it’s because of how we met, or their perceptions of my marriage to Nathan, or lack of understanding of polyamory in my life, or simply the intimidation thing I seem to carry into infinity. I don’t know. I can’t fix it, so it just is.

One day someone attracted to me will admit it and ask me lots of questions. When that day comes I’ll do a happy dance for their courage, but especially that they even attempted to get to know me as a person. More than anything, I love the feeling of connecting with someone on a deep level, knowing we are enjoying learning about each other. I love the feeling of being appreciated and cared about. That: “someone actually cares enough, to genuinely want to know all of who I am” in an unconditional accepting way.

Nathan has always been that for me, I just wish there were others too. One day perhaps, for now I continue on my own with Shiva’s/God’s help. I told God I’m very appreciative, super thankful, for having the divine connection and all the non-physical help that it has brought. Yet, my ideal would be both. To have that connection with God and also feel the next closest thing to it in people in my life. I have moments like that with Nathan, and it makes me think how wonderful it would be if there were others willing to be in my life that I felt that intensity with on a regular basis…. In daily living. *Sigh*

Anyway, tangent aside, I am looking forward mostly. I continue to do everything I can to improve my life and life for my family.

Nathan mostly took care of my computer glitch, and I finished it off, to then accomplish 2 designs for others.

I also finally spent a while fine tuning my dome designs. Making sure proportions were accurate, I then started placing interior elements and correcting line weights/alignments. It’s a very slow process mainly because I’m super meticulous, but also because I’m literally fine-tuning decisions we’ve talked about and thought about thousands of times.

I’ll end with 2 sections of the plans that saw significant changes. Aahhhh, it’s so nice to dream big sometimes, especially when I can do something about it and make it visible.

May you all be happily busy. May you feel the loving connections in your life daily. May you have things to look forward to and goals to aim for. May you see the validation you seek, and may your dreams be big, but still reachable.

Siva Hir Su

In other news….

That picture is soooo not me, I don’t have a picture of me working out! Perhaps I should fix that!

Anyway, to start, my stress triggers recap: house hunt/purchase attempt(s), Equifax mumbo jumbo, mortgage application, frigid weather, sinus cold, my dad’s state of being, hormones, relationships/moving-on from pointless hopes, kids being kids…

Yeah: I think that’s most of the ones I’ve talked about of late.

Now add to that my brand new shiny computer had a glitch from a recent Microsoft update, and the resulting frustrations over not being able to work on my dome designs. I had really hoped to have a significant amount of that completed to show here by now, but alas it will have to wait until the glitch is resolved. I won’t have Sunday time to do that until after Thanksgiving, but I very much look forward to the results when I eventually do get to it.

I am slowly chipping away at the process to become a continuing education course provider. Currently I’m on the portfolio/curriculum vitae. It doesn’t seem on the surface that it would be a big deal, but organizing 15 years of applicable skills into the format they are seeking is a bit tedious. So that is not completely done yet either, and I haven’t even started writing my courses. I projected 6 months when I decided to commit, and like all cases, my estimate may or may not be entirely accurate, but I will eventually complete it. One step at a time, as my schedule allows.

Finally, because of all these stress triggers, I’m feeling the need to burn it off – quite literally!

Except when I’m smack dab in the middle of a stress-trip with a spice cake right in front of me, I have little to no appetite. I’m still eating, but finding it easier and easier to stick to healthy items in very small portions. That’s a great thing! Especially since I’m officially eating vegan now; no grains, no meat, no dairy, no soy, no nightshade vegetables; except that darned piece of cake!

Then, I have a strong desire to move nearly constantly. In between clients I am finding myself pacing quite a bit. I’ve also been taking every opportunity to go exercise. Being it’s been so much colder, nearly all of my workouts have moved inside. I’ve been alternating between the Planet Fitness across the street from work and the YMCA near home.

I have been lifting 2 to 3 times a week, except this week because my cold caused a missed day. I do use the dummy-proof machines since I’m not working with a trainer or spotter.

As for cardio, I am still getting at least 40 min of speed walking via treadmill 4 to 5 days a week, I aim for an hour when possible. I fluctuate between 3.8 and 4.2 mph on the treadmill because I so enjoy matching the beat of the music I’m listening to. This last week though, I’ve been working with incline more, to push the cardio aspect a bit. It’s that or run, and I really don’t enjoy running…. ¿Yet!? …. Will I ever?

Anyway, I just wanted to share my progress with my readers to show you really can do anything you want. For me, that just means a little of everything.

My current lifts are all weights based on 3 to 5 sets of 10 reps at a time. I do 2 sessions, with the second hitting 5 sets, before I raise the weight by 5 pounds again. Last week I had a day I pushed a little too far or too fast and I really felt it for a couple days afterwards.

  • Leg press 205
  • Leg extension 85
  • Seated leg curl 90
  • Inner thigh (Adductor) 110
  • Outer thigh (Abductor) 110
  • -Glute extension 70 (I haven’t actually done this one recently so it may not be completely accurate.)
  • Back extension 140
  • Abdominal (curl- arms up) 85
  • Abdominal (curl- arms front) 80
  • Rotary torso 80
  • Lateral raise 55
  • Shoulder press (I just learned this is also called military press, and it was one I had backslide on poorly, I’m part way back up.) 30
  • Tricep extension 55
  • Tricep press 65
  • Biceps curl 30
  • Lat pull down 70
  • Seated row 65

I haven’t been good about logging my times weightlifting in the health tracker- mainly because I log the pounds and sets in a different app and forget to duplicate it, but here’s my average steps and calories views.

I’m not seeing the results myself yet, but several people have said I’m looking better these days. In my pregnancies, that stage was 2 to 3 weeks before I actually noticed changes myself. Besides the scales have not budged, they still stay between 220 and 225. Merh.

I welcome all of you to share your progress in the comments as well. I’d really love to know if there’s anyone out there that I’ve inspired in any way, or encouraged to persevere through their own struggles. And there’s always room for commiseration in fitness journeys!

May you all have easy stress free times. May you have great work-outs with plenty of support. May you find you only desire the calories your body needs. And finally, may you see results of your own hard work.

Siva Hir Su

Ripening

I can feel it in the air tonight.

A storm is rolling in, my children are having expansive moments, and I’m fuzzy around the edges: not quite thinking 100% clearly being tired from 12 days of work. I have one day of work to go and beyond being very ready for my day off, I’m aware of a sense of something other than a storm approaching.

In the past, these moments have carried anxiety or a sense of something more intense. At times I’ve used the words: anticipating impending doom. Tonight is different, more reserved, more subtle.

I had a moment of grief at dinner over my probably never coming back SJ. I cried and told Nathan that a heart never forgets having fallen in love. His consolation was that at least I gave the love freely and that has to mean something. He thinks that the divine will send an even better replacement, but I know even the best replacement will not have the exact same feel. That is something I’m just working on coming to terms with.

Ultimately, if there is such an energetic connection and honesty, I’ll likely move on just fine in time. It just seems like this one is taking me a long time to get over.

I told Nathan it all leaves me feeling like boys are dense, and perhaps my attention should be on girls again/for once. But the only girls I’ve caught in my sights are clients (a huge ethical no-no I’m unwilling to break) or already married and most likely monogamous at that. So being I’m still not on social media and not desiring to be on any dating sites of any kind, it seems I’ll have to wait for the universe to send me a girl. God knows what my preferences are, as evidence by the other things I’ve been provided in alignment with my previous asking. So there will eventually be an obvious answer, I must just continue to have patience.

For now, I work on friendship: with existing friends and new work acquaintances. It’s easier and more relaxed anyways, except for my damn schedule being so inconvenient. Plus, I can be a little lazy on friends and fit time for them in as I feel up to it.

It also means I can prioritize me better as well. Sunday being my day off, I will assemble what I have so far of my new computer for graphic design. I’ll get sketch-up and some other software installed to be able to start my images for Atira. Eventually, I will be able to get a pen mouse for detailed work, I look forward to that. In the meantime, I also plan to make some edits to the format of my blog here in WordPress. I’ve hit some pretty exciting milestones at 350 posts over the last 4 years. I feel like my journey needs honoured, so I am going to reflect that in adding to my blog layout. I make no promises as to how long it will take me to do all this computer work, since this week has been so full I barely managed to post at all, but it’s still a short term goal for me.

Wish me well, and if you’re a regular reader, I’d love some feedback/comments or even suggestions.

Be well. May you have rest and relaxation. May you enjoy time off doing things you like/love. May you have easy to accomplish, feel good, goals. And as I’ve often said: may you find all of the love you seek.

Siva Hir Su

Busy working or hardly working?

I’ve been so busy I haven’t been able to do that feel good update. I promised pictures of my veteran’s day service and craft projects I’ve done lately, but I’ve been busy decorating the building at work and so many other things that I never got to it. So, I guess I’ll just have a picture heavy post today.

Veterans day – I only received 2 from my coworker I can post. I’m not allowed to use any pictures where you can tell who the residents are. So these ones are okay, being you can’t see full resident faces. That’s me at the podium, and the gentleman in the blue shirt was my younger veteran volunteer handing out the certificates.

Crafts:

First decoupage platters made with paper napkins…

My first 2 (I’ve since done a third I don’t have a picture of yet):

Finished resident projects:

Sharpie art:

Mine:

I only had a couple of resident examples of the sharpie dye art, but it seems I must’ve used a different device to take those pictures, as I can’t find them now.

Finally, I finished most of the building decorations today, so here’s pictures of my handy work. Everyone loved my “flower” arrangements and holiday trees. I’m glad they liked my work.

It was very fun decorating such large trees. I had never decorated a tree even the size of the smaller one, and the larger one was 2 or 3 feet taller and much wider.

I even dressed up a couple of year round arrangements…

And made a cluster of mini-trees for our Angel Gift Tree. Next week they will be covered in Angel tags for residents donating gifts.

As for home, we are still getting settled, so decorations have not even been attempted, but our living room and bedrooms are to comfy stage, enough unpacked to feel like home.

May you all have a pretty, creative, comfy, and joyfully busy holiday this year.

Hogwash & fiddlesticks, I want to feel good.

So my last post was pure livid anger, and for good reason. But as I’m learning, that Shit is how I spent 20+ years stuck in a depression loop. So damn it, I want to feel good.

That means I must look for what I like, for things I want, for improvement, for solutions, and for love.

It’s hard to do that when you’re so pissed off.

I’m discovering it’s even hard when you’re simply in constant motion. I’m essentially back to work 7 days a week, and when I get confirmation on hours from the building I do activities for, I’ll probably have a total of 3 days off in September. I make it work, and make the best of it, but transition has been difficult for my mental puzzle again. The result has been that I was gifted 2 illnesses (1 digestive, 1 head cold) from my family, since my vibration has been all over the place. I swear I’ve been sick more since thanksgiving than I had been the previous 5 years, and the only thing that’s changed is my intense desire and efforts to produce more income and higher vibration.

It leaves me acknowledging that my negative lapses are manifesting fairly immediately, and being that they’re small and manageable is a fairly good sign. It means that my positive efforts are building steam, which I already knew from the increase in hours and income, but I suppose validation from both sides of the equation is a good thing, a helpful measure so to speak.

So, my 2 ended train is finally moving in the direction I want, albeit slowly. But if I have learned well enough, it means I just need to keep at it to get some good momentum going.

More practice; practice makes perfect.

That’s a sentiment I’ve proven to myself many times over, especially with music and art.

So, since I’m already tired, super draggy, and stuffy headed, having trouble focusing, I thought I better write since it forces me to focus.

This week (or 2?) started with good validations. At one point I had an epiphany (very personal about my childhood “imaginary” friend) I simply asked mentally that if my thoughts were accurate to show me a green & purple dragon (thinking of the puff the magic dragon song). The next day at work there was a bouquet of green and purple flowers that were placed such as to remind me of a scaly dragon head. They were in a residents’ room and she was reading a “song of Solomon” about where someone’s love had gone. I knew it was my validation instantly and nearly cried telling her she was my message from god. Yet since that day I’ve seen nearly a dozen more green and purple dragons.

One of the last ones: I was drawn to stop at a favorite store of mine, but didn’t know why, seeing as I didn’t have any extra cash available for spending fun. While there I thanked the owner for support she gave years ago when Nathan was ill, she said she needed that, and I knew that was part of my visit, but something else was nagging me. I browsed a bit and ultimately discovered my message:

A Shiva statue priced with my birth year, and my dragon request on a singular box of incense. Next to 2 other incense boxes that were one of a kind. I know because it was such an intense set that I looked through the whole wall of incense to see if someone had just misplaced them. No, no matches were to be found, they were the last ones available.

I simply could not resist and bought the incense, knowing I’ll ultimately have to go back for the statue at some point soon. Resistance is futile. You don’t say no to the universe, but it’ll have to wait until payday.

The point of all of this is, I’m definitely getting messages, and they all feel really good. I like that. I love being validated and feeling supported. My only hiccup is in understanding. As in, I only asked for one dragon, and the first was good enough for me. So why then, give me a dozen more, one of which was the exact thought I had- a green & purple- puff the magic dragon?

Does the quantity and repetition equal someone screaming “yes!” from the other side? And if so, I’d think it would start manifesting, like now. I’m going to tell myself that’s the case and see how things unfold.

I have been feeling intense anticipation for some while now, but have difficulty maintaining focus on just that. It makes me all jittery, and ultimately I end up getting distracted by daily interactions. Yet, I suppose that’s the practice makes perfect element.

So, I think about what I want, and possible ways it could happen, and I do my best to make sense of other messages I see. Like I still want to end up in Colorado with a big dome full of people that love me enough to commit to being family. I know who I’d like that to include, but right now I still don’t have any idea how, and I’m doing my best to ignore roadblocks and deadlines in the way of that. I keep reminding myself that the divine can ultimately solve everything in proper timing, even if 60 days seems like a tight squeeze to me, and there’s probably a dozen options I can’t even fathom.

I think of all the other close calls I’ve had and how everything always worked out. God has my back and always keeps me safe. Usually I’m the one that gets in my own way of that, and this time I intend to be a cooperative element helping things flow smoothly.

To that end I even let myself go down a small ego-trip road with how lucky I am to have multiple people that care about me. People that care and help more than my own blood realitives (exception being my parents). It helps me see my good. I thought about my strengths and good qualities, and admitted that even my weaknesses could be worse. I appreciated myself a bit and acknowledged there’s a reason others care. I like knowing that, it helps me see how to love myself. I am a good person and I will get to do great things for this world yet. Of that I’m certain. I know that I must hang in and keep practicing this, and even if I have a few more muggle based action steps to enable myself to practice allowing, at some point soon I will get good at manifesting exactly what I want.

When I do- watch out, because I could end up being the next Oprah/Ellen. Not saying I want to be on TV, I really don’t, I just like how they inspire others and help so many people. Yeah, I want that part, and can totally skip the being on TV.

So this ended up being rambly and all over the place, probably due to that being sick difficulty focusing thing. I apologize for that, but I’m glad you hung in there with me. If I can climb out of decades of depression, and overcome livid anger in a few days, you can too. May we all make a better world by starting with ourselves. A single drop creates ripples in the whole lake.

Postpartum contrast playground.

So the bliss of birth adrenaline & endorphins only lasted me about 2 days this time, and the crash afterward was pretty harsh. My hormones fell off almost the exact same time I started having excruciating pain from nursing. However, my woes with my body are not all that’s happened in the last 2 weeks.

Long story short, I got the short straw genetically speaking when it came to having babies and in nursing too.

In the not so short story, Ian was tongue tied, so we thought pain was related to that and I dealt as best as I could, knowing his mild tongue-tie would grow out; that is until thyroid shutdown happened and I quit producing milk at all.

This time I went in doing my best to tackle both preemptively. However, the diet dictated that some of the milk production tools were off limits third trimester. Then baby was born and she had no tongue-tie at all. She latched just fine straight away, or it appeared so from outside. I started taking milk boosters right away, but immediately discovered nutritional intake & hydration seemed to play a more important role. I also wondered if one or more of the milk boosters was giving little Katherine gas and making her very uncomfortable. Then the pain started.

Initially I thought it was all for having gotten plugged up on a poor hydration day right after birth. So we started doing things I did with Ian: hot compresses, painful massages to force milk flow, hot showers, and very intense pumping. At one point I cranked the strength of the pump up to maximum and in drawing out a plugged spot, I bled. Not good, and so not fun, it scabbed and pain got very severe. Right side was so sore that I favored left and within hours the left hurt even more.

Imagine if you will an ice pick being jabbed into the center of your breast while an infant sucks on it, that’s pretty much what it felt like. I cried through multiple feedings. Because I was struggling with nursing, the midwife’s assistant came and did a weight check, & discovered baby was gaining just fine, great in fact.

They then offered suggestions: nipple shield to help heal, use more nipple butter and more frequently, lecithin supplement to help encourage free flow of milk, and pump milk to dropper feed if necessary (to avoid bottle attachment).

I did all, but wasn’t noticing improvement. 2 days later I took to actually bandaging my nipples with a mixture of nipple butter, lavender essential oil, triple antibiotic, and colloidal silver gel. I made sure to do that in between every nursing, and would pump after nursing to try to keep ducts clear. Eventually the scabbing fell off to reveal large deep cracks & holes in my nipples. 2 more days of the bandaging and the pain finally started to back off.

I’m now in the still painful, but not to the point of tears range. Improvement.

In all of that mess I was drowning in Advil hoping to help the pain, but I ended up reacting to the Red40 coating so much that I spent 2 days with flu-like symptoms including full body aches and severe chills, without a fever.

After consulting with midwife again, she said some moms just get the chills from postpartum shifts in hormones and fluids, but she did say the body aches was an addition that might just be me. I pulled up enough out of the pit of sucky to put two and two together and switched pain relievers to acetaminophen (red free), and amazingly within 12 hours the depression, body aches, and chills ceased. I wasn’t up to rose colored glasses yet, but I wasn’t wanting to give up either, a big improvement.

At this point, with breast healing started, and pain mostly under control, I’m maybe 80% to figuring out what all happened.

So far I’ve figured out:

The baby having gas so bad does seem to correlate to either my milk tea blend of one of the supplements, so I have some more adjustments to figure out which.

I am having to stay strict on my diet, but it seems I can and should be consuming more sugar/carbs to keep my milk supply tasty for baby’s desires. So far that’s mostly manifested in nuts, chocolate, and fruit. Side note: I’ve lost about 45 pounds this pregnancy, & I’m back to where I was when I gave birth to Ian, 100 pounds lighter than my heaviest. Healthy baby too.

And the cracking & holes in my nipples that induced such horrific pain seems to be less about baby’s latch, and more about me having “flat nipples”. I put it in quotations because they’re not literally flat, the description that got us to that decision essentially said flat nipples are nipples that don’t stretch easily or as far as is normally expected, and thus damage is caused to the nipple during nursing. So wonderful, right?! To that end my efforts will eventually work, but I’ll have to be diligent with goo & shields until I’m fully healed.

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In other news….

We’ve been wearing baby a lot, especially with the gas troubles & nursing troubles, wearing her has soothed her nerves. We wore both Ian and Anya when they were littles, and have found 3 slings from previous, a Moby and 2 4-strap slings. I wanted to find the ring slings that I’d made and saved, but we have yet to find those, so we’ve used scarves and sarongs as substitutes. It works. Really, the difference is: moby style slings are best for long snuggle front wearing, 4-strap slings are better for kids that can hold their head up to be hauled backpack style, and ring slings or scarves/sarongs are good for impromptu short front or side wearing. The bonus of a ring sling over scarves is they’re easily adjustable and have a tail that doubles as a nursing hood, some even have pockets in the tail for small items like phone, keys, Binki, etc. They’re really convenient, and I love them. Today I chose one of my purple scarves though and it worked pretty well.

She’s so beautiful that complete strangers have stopped & commented the couple of times we’ve been out with her. I also can’t get over her black hair & eyes, neither Nathan or I have black. His is very dark brown, but still very much brown. How she got black only god or science can explain.

I’ve also enjoyed snuggling baby & kitties, all our cats are doing well with baby.

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We also did get another step of basement work done. The wall at the end of the furnace went up & was trimmed out, & since big things were done we cleaned up the space to be our multipurpose room. It’s coming along nicely.

We even started to pull out electronics & organize our belongings. I don’t know if the TV will stay where it is (on top of the Ikea cubby shelves seperating Ian’s room), but it works for now.

I’m glad there’s progress happening, especially in the realm of pain relief. Even if it’s been a hard could of weeks, it’s still been worth it.

Screaming or Cowbell?

So my weeks have been very busy. I’ve been in constant motion for nearly a month, having only had one day with any notable downtime. It’s not all been working, but a vast majority of it has been.

I’ve made strides to put my puzzle back together. Right now, with the help of wonderful friends; I have diet, supplements, exercise, and sleep mostly worked out and staying together. Also, I am getting a little bit of meaningful social interaction through staying with those good friends (though I sometimes apparently overly worry about being a nuisance and outstaying my welcome), and I feel like I could benefit from more socializing, if only there were a few more hours in my week, The one thing I am still lacking is enough quality light, but with 4.5 out of 6 puzzle pieces, I’m hanging in fairly well. Some Days better than others.

This last week, Tuesday was all about our weekly shopping and errands because between everything else it was the only opportunity. All day with a cranky toddler bouncing stores was difficult, but manageable. One of the stops was a friend’s house where I bestowed helpful gifts to her and she returned the favor by bestowing Nathan with a bunch of photography equipment. It made his day.

Wednesday was the icing on the cake. It was a fit-it-in the best-we-could, trip to visit my parents and brother in Iowa. One which was filled with little Ian being as cranky as he could be; hard for a 3 hour drive. At one point he saw a cow-bell that had been tucked under the seat since last Halloween, over a year ago. After screaming at his sister several times that he wanted it, I said “Just give him the damn cow-bell, it’s cow-bell or screaming, and I’m sick of the screaming.” So then we had several periods of cow-bell filled driving throughout the day, I’m not sure it was the best choice, but still a notch better than screaming.

We had lunch and a couple of hours of visiting with my dad, where upon he bestowed more gifts. I’m very appreciative of them because they were things I’d wanted but not been able to obtain myself. Additionally they represented confirmation of my most recent request for a physical manifestation that things were moving. I needed physical evidence of what I thought I’d been getting through my various messages. Dad’s gifts, and even the photo equipment from our friend, were definitely that, they were things we’d asked for and the universe just plunked them down into our experience. It was nice to have a physical manifestation of our process, and expressing gratitude over that was nice. I look forward to the rest of the journey now that I have some validation of what I’ve been seeing.

After visiting with dad we drove about 40 min further to see my mom and younger brother for dinner at an in-between-spot for everyone. It too was a nice visit. None of my family has the ability to host any of our visits, and we have equal inability to host any one of them visiting, so a few hours in a restaurant is as good as it gets. Yet it was good quality time.

The one thing that left me shaking my head is that both parents very clearly stated they were ready to check out, exit this experience, and croak. The both seemed very intent on making sure that I knew that and that they intended to be as little burden as possible. I found myself asking Nathan on the way home “Why on earth did my parents both tell me that? Isn’t it bad enough that I play energetic-grim-reaper with nursing-home-peeps all the time? Why do they have to express a desire to check out, to me? It’s like they asked me in as close of muggle vocabulary as they have, to help them check out – energetically, and I’m not sure how I feel about that.” Nathan replied with something like: at least they respect me enough to want to eliminate being a burden, and that they on some level honor and respect my abilities. I suppose, it’s just really strange, and I know I’ll miss them. Despite the strife in our family over the last decade, I will still miss my parents when they are gone. I suppose it just is.

I told God that I respected their choice to want to exit early, swiftly, and gracefully, and asked for divine assistance on that one. I can still send energy their way from afar, but I’d rather leave that one up to the divine. This is one instance where I’m personally not seeing the immediate benefit of someone relaxing into their croaking experience. I’m sure there is one, I just don’t see it, so I question whether or not my abilities would be helpful in this situation. Yet, I’ve told the divine I’ll do whatever is needed of me, and if that means zap my parents with Reiki then that’s what I’ll do. Just waiting on confirmation of that from the divine.

Any-who, beyond that I’ve worked a lot, gotten my bare minimums of exercise, and done my best to increase sleep. I think baby is wanting me to sleep 9 hours a night, but most nights I manage about 8. It means I constantly feel draggy, but functional. No naps, and not nearly enough caffeine to make up the difference. Yet, it is enough that I pulled out of the depression nose-dive I was in for a couple of weeks there.

I still think about my online boy. One of the friends that I have stayed with gave me an interesting perspective on the situation calling him a tantric twin, which is apparently very similar to, but not exactly the same as twin flame. I told her if that’s the case then I, Nathan and him are at least triplets, and being that I’ve had thoughts of another woman in the same energetic vicinity, there could be quadruplets. She laughed and said it’s entirely possible. Regardless she had some helpful thoughts on why I can’t let go of him despite the lack of communication, and offered some suggestions for me to try. The goal at the moment is that I’ve taken easy access off of my phone, and to that end I’ve been doing more guided meditations, mantras, and asking for my dreams to provide guidance. I know my mood is better and I’m more hopeful, than when I was constantly checking in and realizing he wasn’t going to respond.

It also seems like the divine does want something to come of it. I say this because of this:

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For work Thursday morning I went to look up Daily Devotionals for our morning devotional reading, knowing the residents were finding my droning voice unappealing. I literally typed Daily Devotional into the YouTube search bar on the work computer which I’ve never, ever, logged into using my personal information. It’s a generic computer that no-one logs into.  The top 7 results included what you see here. The first 3 were christian devotionals, exactly what I had aimed to find to appease residents. Then 2 were Shiva devotionals, more what I would prefer; but then I noticed one of the 2 was in Telugu. That’s the language I’d started learning just for the online man,  knowing that learning another’s language efficiently expresses how much you care about them. The bottom video on the list was Depeche Mode’s “Devotional” performance. As I listened to the first few minuets of that, I realized they were all songs that I had already associated with him. Additionally this was all after I had already seen visual messages telling me something was up with him.

I was left dumbfounded and questioning what I needed to take away from these experiences. Between my conversation with my friend, and my visual and video messages, I knew the divine was trying to tell me something significant. Yet again I found myself saying WTF? What are you trying to tell me.

Last night I said tell me in my dreams. Tell me about the near future. I dreamt of him, nothing else. I got to hear from him, and see him, and I was super happy about it, but his expression remained stoic. On the way to work I though about it. My conclusion was that it was one of two things, based on having experienced the reactions of others. My first thought was that he was playing the poker face, attempting to cover his true reactions to hide from the ramifications of what his reactions would mean. My second thought was the stoic face of melancholy depression, one that I fought years to learn how to hide behind a false smile. Either way my dream did not really provide any clarity for my messages the days before. I suppose that this is yet another notch on the patiently wait and see.

Regardless, that constant motion in my life continues, and now is no different. Off to find my sofa for the night and crash. A very tired, yet optimistic Treasa, hoping that perhaps the gaps in my understanding will find clarity on this night, both with my parents and with the boy. Regardless I still send love, it’s all I can do for now.

Weird, just plain weird.

So I know that God is working on helping me. How I know is things just keep getting stranger by the day. I keep repeating “I see that things are changing, I’m doing my best to trust, and I’ll do whatever you want me to and do my best to see the positive in everything.”

I just wrote last night, but it seems today has brought more twists and turns and I need to process. I have the time because I’m house sitting for a good friend who also happens to be a fellow massage therapist, which means we trade quite frequently. It’s great, her style is very similar to mine, and we mesh well on many levels. Her pooches even love me, so she asked me to sit her dogs knowing it would give me another opportunity to skip some driving. I’m much appreciative. I feel much more rested when my day doesn’t involve 3 hours or more of driving. So that is how I’ve managed to fit in not one, but two blogs this week.

So, that’s not really weird, just amazingly helpful. Where is the weird then?

I got to work with 15 minutes to spare this morning, and knew I needed to punch in about 10 late for having gone over the previous day. I proceeded to leisurely prep for my day knowing I was essentially working off the clock, but knowing full well it was my choice. I was essentially going through the craft room seeing what was available for the crafting activity later in the day. I became so engrossed in my explorations finding cool things to work with that I ended up clocking in nearly 30 min late, not just the 10 initially planned. Not a big deal, and I figured my day would provide the opportunity to correct that, which sure enough it did.

That was just a taste of weird. In the crafting activity I set out to provide options, ones that I had seen done at other buildings where I do my massage work. I thought surely that one of them would be welcomed. After laying out all of the supplies and describing the choices, I looked around to a silent room of blank stares. NOTHING! Really!  So, I proceeded with plan B and began walking through how to make a wreath using a simple wire frame. If no one wants to participate, then live action crafting show it is.

About 3/4 of the way through making the wreath a person to my right is grumbling about how she doesn’t think it is going to work or look nice. Then the woman directly across from her starts complaining about why are we just sitting here and not doing anything. I replied directly to her that it was because I brought out materials to do a myriad of crafts and gave 5 specific examples and a room full of adults couldn’t tell me anything they wanted to do. I then explained that they were all adults with opinions and desires, and that I was doing my level best to provide them with enjoyable activities, and that they could provide constructive input and offer suggestions instead of just complaining or sitting like bumps on logs. I then revisited the initial offer choices and asked her directly if she wanted to do any of them, at which point she said no. I said fine then, does anyone want to do any of them. I got 2 responses out of a group of 10 people. SO I proceeded to help the 2 people complete their choice and then moved on to finishing my wreath.

Employees thought it was hilarious because the one that complained the loudest apparently does that to everyone, I then ended up having a discussion with my co-worker about how instead of having comedy hour at my expense they could offer up suggestions or help. She said it really wasn’t like that and they meant no foul- really just finding amusement that I was essentially one of them, being treated the same way by the resident. I said well, I can understand where the humor comes in, but that they could have filled me in on the potentiality of that, and ways that they as staff have learned to diffuse the situation. Reiterating that I am the newbie still and I simply don’t know these things because the faces are still relatively new to me, I simply don’t have a full understanding of their backgrounds yet. She conceded that I had a point, and we came to an understanding of some possibilities of how to catch me up to speed. Also, she did let me know that if Aids are not busy I can ask them to help (something I was unsure of and explained to her that some of my buildings that is off limits and not even possible).

In the end I think that even though I got frustrated it was ultimately a good outcome and the discussion with my co-worker was definitely fruitful.

Later, I ran into the lady that recommended me for the position (now my boss’ boss) and I told her all about it. She said that there will always be those days, and did reiterate that some of those things will die down once I do get a better grasp of the people I am working with. We had a good discussion about many of the factors that contribute to moments like that. She then let me know that the person that switched from my position, to take a position with the other side of the building, didn’t come in for work and that they were again down a person. She confessed that the other employee had gotten overwhelmed with the position she was in, and they didn’t know if she would be back. I gave an apology and said let me know if you need anything. At the end of the day I went back to ask her about my time off request for the December Choir/Orchestra performance, and upon leaving I got a nudge to be more specific about my earlier comment. I told her that I realized it was between them and the employee, but that if the other person wanted their job back I was willing to switch or do whatever was needed by the company to help with that. She asked me if that was affected if it meant working 5 days a week, and my reply was simply I’d make it work. I said that “I just really wanted you (boss/friend) to know that I would be willing to do whatever is needed of me” (echoing my internal dialogue with God). All of this was in knowing that I took the position because of divine influence and I am really doing my best to follow the rabbit trail. As soon as, the words left my mouth I felt the classic tinglies down my spine that have always acknowledged that I did/said the right thing. She then confessed that her and the building director had actually had a conversation about that possibility the previous week, before the employee failed to show for work.

I finished my day out showing the residents, at least that were interested, my favorite show. “Kindness Diaries” on Netflix.  I had talked about it earlier in the day and they were interested. As I showed the first 2 episodes, they were hooked, they actually stayed awake (all but 1) and they would comment on things that were going on in the show. It may have helped I served cake and tea while watching the 2nd one. Surprisingly, my complainer from earlier became quite chipper and content. It also helped my mood at lot to have a touch of “Kindness Diaries” in my day. Ultimately they were so interested that we ended up watching 5 episodes back to back and having a volley of discussion occasionally.

So, essentially my day had some odd time glitches, an uncomfortable exchange with my charges, and ended with the possibility of getting a sideways promotion and some feel good TV.

I have no idea if I would get a raise, but I do know I would get more hours. It would make for stable adequate income and once we were moved and had finances straightened out (budget), I could begin to slowly eliminate some of my massage work. I’m not sure the extra day a week would be enough income to completely drop all of my massage work, so I probably wouldn’t. Also, there are 3 buildings that I am getting along great in anyway. So those 3 contracts I would probably keep alive and going as long as I could manage. Though it has occurred to me that I need to renew my liability insurance and re-up my CPR certification to keep doing my massage work. So many things, so little time!

I have no idea where this ride is headed, but it seems I keep holding on and finding faith that it is headed toward the great things I’ve asked for, for so many long years. I simply can’t explain the odd synchronicity any other way. I’m just constantly looking for the path of least resistance anymore, and it seems at every turn something strange launches me toward the next interesting step. If nothing else life has definitely gotten more interesting!