Tag Archives: celebration

Joyous Diwali Everyone

Not being a native of India, nor raised in Hinduism, I’m certain my version of Diwali is far from typical or traditional. I have a small home altar tucked in a high corner of my bedroom. I don’t know all the puja and rituals, and have the most basic understanding of the holiday.

However, I love the celebration of our inner light and our oneness filling the world with the light of the divine. I aim for bringing that to my world as much as possible. And after the week I’ve had, I am very grateful that I was reminded by Isha that Diwali had begun.

This is my small celebration of light.

May you all have a Joyous Diwali and see the light in everyone this week. May your individual light shine bright and help bring joy to this world.

Siva Hir Su

Joyous celebrating.

Today I had another forced fasting, and probably tomorrow as well. Hangover induced from wedding celebrations. Man I pissed my liver off!

The wedding was wonderful, I was able to help my little brother setup and tear down a beautiful celebration. It was not expected by him, as they had planned everything as meticulously as I would have. However, I showed up with gusto and my ready, willing, and able attitude. So he allowed me to assemble their archway and help setup chairs. I was more than happy to oblige both.

The night before, and during the day of the wedding, my mom and eldest brother thought it great to get everyone schnooked. I can only speak to myself and my observations. I know I was fully inebriated at least 4 times, and it seemed to me I wasn’t alone. During the reception when speeches started, mom looked around our family table and asked: is anyone sober enough to give a congratulatory speech to them. My eldest brother having years of military drinking under his belt conceded that he was likely best able even when drunk. It was a too funny moment, but his speech was as wonderful as any.

I was very glad to see my youngest brother have a wonderful wedding and glad to see the family together. I wished him well many times over and gave him as many hugs as I could inflict on him. (My family is not exactly touchy feely and Nathan and I usually push those boundaries a bit.) It’s worth it though. I got very mushy several times over.

The only one not present was dad, and we all knew why. I was slightly sad because my dad really has no clue why most of the family ignores him. My eldest brother and I are really the only ones that keep in contact with him and do our best to keep track of him. We’ve both come to our own understanding that though his methods were least desired by us children, he was merely doing what he knew how, what he thought he was supposed to do. He really didn’t know any other way, and we really could have fared far worse, he’s on the shallow end of the spectrum of abusiveness. I have forgiven most of my traumatic moments in an effort to retrain myself to a better way. One by one I forgive, and work on rewiring my brain to reach for better choices in my equivalent moments; which I’ve addressed many times over as being an ongoing process with many failures on my part. It’s not too late for me, but it seems by situation and ongoing choices, it may be so for dad. I know he will see and understand when he rejoins our maker.

Anyway, tangent aside, there were good conversations and time shared as family. That was very welcomed. Also, the many jokes and good natured jabs at each other was good relief for the emotional system. Katherine stole the show a couple of times simply being an adorable toddler dancing to music and trying to figure out the guitar the bride’s nephew played. It was simply a good time all around.

However, I did get far too much alcohol, gluten, and dairy, and thus my system is ultra angry and working on serious detoxing. Today was a good start, being I consumed 1 Lara bar, spread over the whole day, and 1 bowl of very light veggie soup at dinner, with as many ounces of water as I could stomach throughout the day. The queasy angry liver was by far the biggest deterrent to consuming anything in any significant quantity. By this point most of the queasy feeling has subsided, so I’m hopeful I’ll be able to hydrate better tomorrow. I’m not worried about consuming calories yet, mainly because I ate in 3 days what I would normally spread over a week, and as I previously mentioned pretty much all my major allergens were consumed, which spiked my sugar horribly. I have probably an extra 200 calories just floating around in my blood stream 🤣.

Seriously though, laughing aside, I’ve decided weddings- though wonderfully joyous occasions- are not good for making healthy decisions. If anyone knows a solution there, I’m all ears- feel free to leave comments as such. That would be good to know even if there aren’t many weddings to anticipate in my family at the moment.

May you all have joyous celebrations which are easy on your system. May you all feel the love and find life partners to experience joy with. May you all have good times with family and experience a feeling of belonging. Finally, may you all have just what you need and enjoy yourself in ways gentle to your system.

Siva Hir Su

It does feel like home.

It’s not my home, and at the moment I wouldn’t have a clue as to how to attempt to make it become so, but this place is so beautiful. It makes me know that my dream of Atira is possible, and though I am in mountains near the ocean, is not the same mountains I’ve seen in my dreams of Atira.

Our cabin is so far out and so far down in a valley that even the new cell tower a mountain over is not providing any more than spotty service. My phone will only do calls and texts without WiFi. The main Lodge does have WiFi available now which wasn’t available in previous years, but it’s unsecured and at certain times of the day everyone wants to partake in it.

I have not minded any of that inconvenience because it’s so beautiful here. It also helps that our “cabin” is as spacious as our actual home in KC, just formatted differently.

We went to Acadia NP on Tuesday and I hiked for hours stopping to let kids play on Sand Beach. I think we covered about 1.25 miles of coastline out and back, but there was abundant rock climbing to be had, so I’m sure my steps were more like 4 miles, maybe more. We made it to Thunder Hole from Sand Beach before my shoulder and back started screaming from having been wearing both Katherine and a backpack full of diapers and snacks. We decided to call it quits on walking/hiking but returned to our van and made several more stops for viewing pleasure. By the end of the day I’d gotten a significant sunburn that was mildly uncomfortable, so I spent that evening coating myself in lavender and aloe to heal it up.

The teens went with my brother and his wife on an epic 4 mountain hike, covering over 5 miles of trails and taking nearly 6 hours. Anya said she loved the views, but it was a bit much for her, and was nearly in tears asking if she could have just a little Beach time before we drove away. We took her to otter cove just as the tide was coming in and she was happy as clam.

I told her we’d head back at least once before our vacation was up and she was much relieved.

That is today. We’re due to pull out in an hour or 2 to go ride the Margaret Todd ship and explore Bar Harbor which apparently also has a beautiful sandy beach to walk on. My brother explained at low tide the beach connects to a small island with waking trails. I’m so looking forward to it.

My brother’s wife explained that you can’t see it all in one trip, they’ve been coming here for one week of every summer for 7 years and still haven’t done it all.

For now I’ll leave you with some pictures of Acadia and our cabin at the military campground in Great Pond. May you all have beautiful experiences that feel like home.

Cabin & surroundings:

Acadia:

Finally, after our busy couple of days, I enjoyed drinks and dinner with my family during a rain shower from the cabin screened in porch. I ate and drank too much that I shouldn’t have, so felt the aftermath this morning, but I thoroughly enjoyed myself last night. Sunburn and all. Happiness.

P.S. I’ve felt my connection very strongly over the last couple of days, and hoping it means something super wonderful. May you all feel your connections of clarity and bliss.

Giving in sometimes equals happiness.

So last update I was stressing so much that I accidentally took a nail to the finger. I’m happy to report it’s healed perfectly and is barely noticeable.

To that end Nathan & Hannah made strides to complete things, & got everything close enough that I was able to conceed that the rest could be done at a later date.

Ian’s room at that point looked like this:

Essentially all that is left is part of the window trim, the one panel at the end of the furnace, trimming a few carpet squares, and finishing his furniture arrangement.

At that point I knew baby was ready for me to be ready, so I pushed to prep for birth. We put a rug on top of Ian’s carpet square floor for extra padding, tarps to keep water off the rug, and set up the birth tub & supplies. That was Friday night, & this was the results:

We covered the tub with blankets & construction scraps because Buddy Cat wanted to play on/in it and we were afraid he’d pop it.

We casted my belly for memories (Ian’s was a duct tape cast the didn’t last, so this one we used plaster) and I did some henna (wanted to do more, but ran out of time & energy):

Saturday brought much pelvic discomfort & baby pushing lower.

Sunday morning at work early labor/ Braxton-Hicks contractions started & remained through out the day, never getting regular, & intensity being mild.

Sunday evening I headed straight home from work skipping my evening massage client, and I’m glad I did. About 6:30pm I sneezed and my water broke.

Ian’s water didn’t break until right before he was born, so it took a conversation with the midwife and another BH contraction to know for sure that’s what happened. I asked if I should do anything to encourage real contractions and she said no, since I’d worked all day it was better to rest and that contractions would come on their own.

She was right, by 8pm they were increasing in strength and about 8 min apart, and by 9pm my plug turned loose.

A little after midnight they got into the 4 min apart range, & my midwife & her assistant arrived shortly after. Baby was doing fine and I was allowed to get in the tub. Somewhere around 1:30am I began dozing off in between contractions, & my pace slowed. A contraction around 2am woke me and I realized I was cold & very tired. Everyone helped me out of the tub & got me dried & warmed up. They checked my progress and discovered I was only dilated to about 4cm, a long ways to go. I told them I was sure it was because baby knew I was so tired. My midwife agreed and I was put to bed with a disclaimer to sleep as much as possible and to let her know when they picked up again.

Contractions spaced about 15 to 20 min apart for the rest of the night and into the morning. I slept in the gaps until about 11am, and Hannah made calls for my massage work on Monday and Tuesday letting them know I was in labor.

By 4pm I was able to eat enough to regain strength & stamina & contractions had again gotten to 4 min apart. We let the midwife know & her, assistant, and student headed over. The assistant was first to arrive and noted that I was doing great, took heart beat of baby and noted she was also going great. The assistant started prepping for birth organizing supplies as desired, and double checking everything was present & good to go. By the time midwife & student arrived I was in the final stretch. Contractions were closer together and super intense. Shortly after I noted that I could feel baby’s head working out. They asked me to differentiate between inner cervix and vaginal wall, and I specified cervix. About 4 contractions later I could feel head beginning to exit and reached down to feel baby’s hair and help stretch myself to ease baby’s head out. It took 3 more very intense pushes to get her head all the way out, and 2 more very intense pushes to get body out.

Baby was born & perfect… 8lbs 10oz. That’s 12 oz more than Ian- to be expected with the first & third trimester hormone/allergy induced high sugar battles. A few seconds of cool air out of the water & she coughed and fussed and began turning pink. All was well.

Dad didn’t get into the tub until baby was born, so he could hold baby in the warm water and help cut the cord. He put swim trunks on, so when it was time to get out, he was first to get out & work on drying off. Then he helped hold baby while I stopped at the potty & got comfy in bed.

Midwives checked me & baby out. I had no tears or significant abrasions, my blood pressure, temp, and oxygen were good. Baby was perfectly healthy per visual inspection, & good oxygen saturation. They’ll be back in 2 days for heart, heal prick blood test, and hearing test and follow up check, & birth certificate delivery.

For now, lots of snuggles in bed and nursing, & loves. No one has to go anywhere or do anything except eat, sleep, & rest.

Labor was longer than with Ian, and a bit more discomfort (probably because of her slightly larger size), but completely worth every minute of it. She’s beautiful and perfect and I couldn’t ask for more. Welcome to the world my little pure light, Katherine Jyoti.

I’m definitely in post birth bliss & everyone that’s seen her has gotten mushy & teary eyed. Now to let grandparents and everyone else know- 1 at a time. *Happy sigh*

Joyous Hana-kwanza-chrisma-yule-ness

It’s the holiday season. Joyful happy wishes abound. Hallmark channel will sure help lift the mood. That or a thousand classic holiday movies.

We’ve had a tiny Charlie-Brown-Esque celebration this morning, for us technically a belated Yule celebration being I worked the last several days. It’s followed by a trip to friends for the misfits Christmas party this evening.

I’ve had a mild head-cold all week, and I’m just run down from working too much, but I’m doing my best to stay buoyant. Sleeping in with cute kitties was a bonus.

( I’d show pics of the rest of our celebration, but Nathan and Anya did all the photo taking so I’ll get those later on.)

My day off started at about 7pm last night. Despite very much looking forward to my time off and being in generally good spirits, the boy has weighed heavily on my mind. 

I felt him all day yesterday and though it was nice to feel him, especially in my heart being afire, I couldn’t help but wish I’d hear from him or even see him. It’s very confusing to feel him like that periodically, but not have anything else. He’s only ever validated the connection once and though I know that should be enough I can’t help but wonder why he didn’t talk about it, and why he’s quit communicating all together. My natural inclination is to blame myself, but I constantly work at reminding myself it is much more complex than that. I’ve resigned myself to loving him as I can, and knowing that some day, maybe after I die, I’ll understand fully.

So I pushed him out of my mind and slept mostly well, save for a scary dream about Nathan and health stuff. He’s actually doing OK, as far as current doctors are concerned. He’s working on the low kidney function, brought his sugars back down, and his blood pressure is getting there. He’s even finally got the black lines diagnosed. Apparently, if it had been the scary melanoma there would have been other symptoms with the line. The doctor was sure it was a fungus that produces a similar line and has started an anti fungal treatment with caution to watch for the other symptoms of the melanoma or the lines failing to dissipate. So essentially Nathan is, as far as we know, getting better.

That is a blessing. Our tiny celebration is a blessing. I had a good laugh over the kittens finding great fun in new cat toys and some catnip this morning. We’ve even been told of some possible houses that are coming open soon. So things are generally OK to hopeful.

Amidst laughing over kitties and having sweets with kids, I suddenly felt funny like I was going to pass out. Nathan immediately took my blood pressure and discovered I was very low. Kind of a good thing, but I need to keep it from being so low that I actually pass out. So the last few hours I’ve been downing liquids with electrolytes added and attempting to get my salt intake up, and I took a couple of extra iron supplements just in case. Also a blessing. Low is better than high in pregnancy and much easier to control. A couple of days of diligent liquid and iron intake and I should be fine.

And baby didn’t seem to mind she/he kicked several times during and has been very active  since. I’m sure baby is enjoying the electrolyte boost as much as I am. I’m grateful that I’m feeling baby more and more these days. It makes the efforts worth it. I finally am starting to actually feel pregnant, now that my belly is unmistakably showing it!

I hope everyone reading can find their blessings and happy moments and feel improvement on its way. May the spirit of the holidays bring you peace, joy, and hope. Be well and many blessings.