Tag Archives: challenges

Ding-Dong KO

Ok, so sometimes my addictions, turn into a Multi-player Mortal Kombat round. I’m just as proud of myself, if the worst one of the ‘enemies’ is the one knocked out, as I would be winning a duel.

Sometimes it really is about picking your battle, and knowing that if only one was knocked out, then at least I didn’t die, and I’ll make it another round.

I am doing a lot better than I used to, but my addictions win more often than I would like. It’s a battle I’ve been practicing at for over 7 years and I still loose occasionally, but the little voice of inspiration said that I make it look too easy, and I need everyone to know it’s not.

The text conversation at the beginning of this post, was from the middle of a 5 hour shift yesterday. I was working front desk and it was a little slower for a change. Usually not a bad thing, so I never complain when it’s slow. The one exception caused my message to Nathan, I didn’t say a word to other staff because of embarrassment.

I was feeling weak, and probably could have used help, but it might as well have been the conversation I had to have over a shotgun which I couldn’t get out of my mind. I simply couldn’t have that conversation, over goodies, and with people that don’t really care about me to begin with. They care that I show up, do my job, and when shit hits the fan that I can handle it. They simply don’t want to have a conversation about, “hey, can you hide the goodies from me, my brain is torturing me already, …please?”

So I didn’t say anything.

An hour in, I had already looked at the box of Ding-Dongs over a dozen times. The brand new unopened box of Godiva chocolates had almost had as many views, but because it was unopened I wasn’t certain it was for staff, and kept telling myself someone would come pick it up any minute.

At one point I got so flustered that I got up abruptly, and quickly walked to the mail room, forgetting there’s a camera in there. As soon as the black globe caught my periphery, I froze in blush. Quick thinking, I gestured like I was looking for something and left. Only problem was, I noticed the box of brittle, I’d forgotten about, on the mailroom counter as I turned to leave.

I stood in the empty hall trying to figure out what I was doing, why, and what I needed to do. On my way back to the desk seat, I grabbed my seaweed pack and consumed it crunchily instead.

I drank a full bottle of water.

I amused myself on my phone for a little bit.

Then I noticed one too many glances in the directions of goodies again. At that point, I was lone staff, because the other person was delivering day-sheets throughout the building.

I got up and paced the floor. I refilled my water bottle and glanced at the brittle again on my way past. I grabbed my celery and sat to eat it, not quite even having gotten to hour two yet. I thought ‘better not eat it all, just in case’.

It was a little limp for not having eaten my sticks for 3 days. I’m burnt out on celery and it’s lost any appeal it ever did have, even the peanut-butter is losing any appeal to my taste buds. I ate about 6 celery sticks, each dipped once in peanut-butter. That was more than enough. I closed lids and left it sitting right in front of me.

Approximately 30 minutes later, my text to Nathan (above) went out as I was losing my resolve. Almost 3 hours into my shift, the Ding-Dongs were looking far too tempting. How was I going to make it another two?

I decided if I couldn’t managed a TKO, then at least the worst option should go down in flames. Instead of: gluten, and red-40, and chocolate, and sugar, and chemicals (all things found in Ding-Dongs that are bad for my system); I chose to go for the least impact, especially since the Godiva box was unopened and questionable. So Brittle won, and Ding-Dongs and chocolate were knocked-out!

Me and brittle. Mmmmm.

When I went to retrieve a piece, I got a big chunk with two smaller ones stuck to it. I decided I’d eat the two small bits and save the big one for later.

As my last two hours ticked by it was: celery stick with pb, pause, brittle, pause, celery stick, pause, brittle, pause, celery stick, pause, brittle and so on. Every few minutes a nibble of something. I also worked on a non-vital computer task to distract myself.

It worked. I ended up eating only brittle beyond my regular celery and seaweed I take everyday.

In the ring we have Valentine Ding-Dongs, Godiva Assortiment, Apple Pie Peanut Brittle, and Treasa with her green shit. And let the fight begin! …. Oh Treasa is taking some hard hits there, but she stays standing every time. Oh, she’s fighting back, 1-2, oh, the right hook…. Now APPB has sided with her, oh my folks, who’s going to win this battle royale! … And the winning team is Treasa with greens and Apple Pie Brittle! …Crowd goes wild!…. Aaaaa!

Sorry for the corney ring-side joke, I grew up on things like that.

Anyway, my point is, I didn’t say anything to anyone except Nathan, and he even only got a couple of texts. But for me it was 5 hours of torture, mostly mental – granted, and a very strategic battle to overcome the worst damages of losing altogether. It’s hard to know what’s going on inside another person’s head, and it’s even harder when they have 20 years of experience hiding it. I’m not perfect at anything, but I highly doubt the other two people that worked via the front office yesterday, had any clue I was even having a mental battle, let alone that the two culprits to trigger it were within reach all day.

They were oblivious to my mental torture, because I’ve spent 20 years either fighting it silently, or withdrawing from the world. When I withdraw, I’ve either lost the battle and given in fully, or I sleep it off and hope I wake to less triggering things. I’m glad to report that these days, my withdrawal periods are few, fairly well distanced from one another, and short lived.

So if you’re struggling with an addiction, even if it is “just food”, know it’s hard. It sucks, and takes everything you’ve got to function as normal as possible, but it’s worth it. On one hand my addiction won’t kill me with one oopse (overdose), but it’s so many places in life that it’s super easy to get and often people readily supply the worst versions for me. I don’t even have to pay anything for mine to be triggered. And those people that say it’s just food… They have no clue the chemical storm that an addiction stirrs in your brain, regardless of what the trigger is. I would also add that known reactions to chemicals used in some foods, are indicative of some of the same known reactions to some recreational drugs. Sugar has been compared to hard drugs like cocaine in numerous studies on brain function. So, it may be just food, but it’s still very much an addiction.

It’s time that everyone get some slack for how hard we’re all working to overcome challenges, especially when many of us are very much addicted to “just food”. An addiction is hard no matter what “it” is. If you’re fighting at all then you deserve a damned medal.

Be kind to yourself and give yourself some love for it.

Also, find people you can confide in. I have my Nathan, but he gets tired of hearing of some the same things repeatedly, we all do. You need enough people to confide in that they don’t get sick of it, but don’t utilize having more options as a reason for complaining more. Keep in mind everything you talk about and focus on brings more of it, so if you focus on the battle too much you’ll just get more battle. So, regardless of my embarrassment, I still do my best to talk about my battles as little as possible, in an attempt to reduce their frequency. It is working, just very slowly.

Those of us fighting the good fight, we rock. Anyone that wants to put you down or belittle your efforts can take a hike or KMA. We are fighting addictions of a wide variety that didn’t exist 100 years ago. We have a bigger challenge than most in older generations would even consider. Appreciate your own efforts and thank your body every single day, that you have a chance to try again. Give your own self some love for all the things you survived, and apologize to every organ sincerely explaining your doing your level best with all the challenges that come your way.

Know it could be worse, there always something that’s worse. But also know that you are winning a tough battle and that makes you amazing.

May you triggers always be conveniently out of reach, literally or metaphorically. May you know you have loving support if you need it, and the ability to discern if it’s better to distract yourself and attempt to attract fewer battles. May you have confidence in your ability to overcome and succeed in all endeavors. May you love yourself for all that you have managed to accomplish. May you know you’re on the right track. May you know you are loved and supported by God in all that you do, and everything you need.

Om Shanti

Everyone finally cares.

I have been focusing very intently to pull up lately, and have had to resort to various herbal aids. So this will be the first of several posts that were inspired in that process. This was the result of the lower vibrations, feeling some futility and anger. Subsequently as my vibration climbed I thought of other topics to write about. I started each topic as the thought occurred, so I’ll get them done and up as quickly as I’m able to.

My thyroid is bouncing all over despite taking my Armour doses. My blood sugars are uncontrollable and inflammation is rampant, despite doing all the things that used to work. I have been doing EVERYTHING right, and I’m taking all of my supplements plus several new ones, especially for the sugar battle. I’m still strictly AIP, and mostly seaweed and celery, I’ve even managed to cut back on frequency of lapses/oopses. I’ve had a super-humanly-clean 6 months. Additionally, I don’t feel very stressed, so it all points to my body’s still, or again, trying to fight something, or several somethings, off.

I suspect it’s a combination of that chronic Epstein-Barr-Virus battle (undiagnosed for 20+ years) and Covid. I’m not active Covid, but ever since catching mystery virus (testing wasn’t available here when I was told I had an unknown virus), I’ve had more trouble in general this past 12 months.

It doesn’t help that my awareness includes Covid living casualties.

One of my clients is what is being deemed a Long-Hauler, being he tests negative but still has multiple symptoms that are nagging him almost two months later. Some of his symptoms overlap with my thyroid woes and the extra anomalies I have faced this year. I also have an acquaintance/friend that has reported similar long-term problems from her known Covid case.

Beyond that my whole family is struggling long-term with spaciness, sluggishness, and brain fog. My son who faired the worst with mystery virus infection, has now begun having more significant lapses. Essentially, he has been having functional blackouts. One almost caused him harm. He was caught by Nathan entering our neighbors backyard in socked feet with their dogs barking at him. He didn’t realize where he was or how he had gotten there. It’s very disheartening and concerning.

Chronic viral infections wasn’t a concern on anyone’s radar until Covid, and I still have no idea why.

Even for AIDS and Hep B we have expensive cocktails to manage symptoms and reduce viral load, but no true fix. And I’ve been saying the entire Covid journey, that it boggled my mind how people were so upset about a new disease when we’ve done nothing for existing viral diseases. I’ve said the entire time that vaccines only pretend to protect people from some diseases. Between vaccine fails of a wide variety, and the fact that a vaccine is impossible to produce until much after a disease has already begun to spread, they simply don’t truly protect us. Also, there are numerous diseases that vaccines have never been created for, Epstein-Barr being just one, and bonus we now know it is very hazardous long-term for many.

I am beginning to think that Covid is the new Epstein-Barr. I shudder to think how many people will endure long-term woes for years before true solutions are developed, especially since western medicine is still full of greedy bastards enjoying making money off of our fears and symptoms. As long as the system allows them to make so much money off of treating symptoms alone, they will have no incentive to create real lasting solutions.

When we can solve computer viruses better than human viruses, there’s a major problem. See the incentive there was we had begun to rely on our computers for everything, and if they had gone down we’d all have been screwed. Even computer manufacturers relied on their own devices, and would have been mamed if solutions for electronic viruses had not been developed.

Yet, after approximately 100 years of study on biological viri, we still have no real true permanent solution for human viruses, which means there is no incentive for pharma to solve it.

Perhaps if Covid is really behaving like Epstein-Barr, then maybe everyone will begin to understand that it is imperative to find a kill switch for viral infections. I would have thought AIDS and Hep B would have done that, but apparently not enough people caught those diseases.

Or maybe it’s not the quantity of people, but who. Maybe it needs to become an issue for all of the elite, all of the CEOs and upper management of pharma. Maybe then we’ll actually see change and real solutions.

We need real treatment(s) to help find actual health and kill chronic disease. It’s not a new problem, but perhaps enough people, or the right people, will finally get it and work towards finding the real solutions.

Finally, I want to add my two cents on progress vs failure. Western medicine will finally produce more true healing options for all diseases, or it will fail. People have begun to distrust doctors to do their jobs, clinics to help when they don’t feel right/well, and pharma to make anything that actually works permanently. Western medicine knows they’re loosing too many. People no longer trust them to do what’s right. The masses have begun to notice the greed machine pasting temporary bandages on symptoms, knowing the bandage will only last so long before it will need replaced by the next best option.

People now know their options are limited. I myself have come to the point that if all I’m doing is managing symptoms, what does it matter if it’s herbs or prescription drugs. Either way it’s not going to fix anything and I might as well give in completely, at least that way I can enjoy what life I do have. The manage symptoms game is not only futile, requiring constant adjustments, it’s ultimately it’s a shit ton of work to get nowhere and thus pointless.

Anyway, if there are any other long term major failures, then Western Medicine will have lost trust with too many people. People will simply start walking away from the expensive useless symptom management game. Allopathic medicine is balancing on a ledge that could easily lead to systemic bankruptcy. The only way for the system to be salvaged is for the parts to work as a whole and actually produce long-term solutions beyond symptom management. But that’s just my observation.


For now I choose to focus on the positives. I focus on the fact that my physical size is smaller. My skin is shrinking, so even though it still sags from weight loss, it’s no where near as floppy as when I initially lost weight. I no longer have allergy bumps in odd places. I no longer have the red ruddy cheeks I grew up with. My muscles are stronger than ever, and in many ways my visible appearance is improving significantly. I still have beautiful soft hair, and my thyroid is managed well enough that I’m no longer loosing my hair. I can handle full time massage therapy work with a manageable amount of discomfort. In general I usually feel better than in my past. I’m able to workout most days and that helps me feel even better. In fact, I’ve exercised all but 6 of the last 30 days. I am doing EVERYTHING right, and that has to count for something, so I’ll ignore what’s not in alignment yet, with the assumption that it’ll get there eventually, one way or another.

May you have better luck and more trust in Western Medicine than I do. May you find, and be able to afford, options that can solve your problems for real. May you have reachable, life affirming, choices within reach. May you know you are healthy in every way possible. May you know you have many days left to live and have all the reasons to keep living. May you know that your love and magic can conquer all. May you know that more than anything, God loves and supports you in all that you do, and regardless of your ability to get your body in full vibrational alignment.

Om Shanti

Alrighty Then

So, there’s been conflict with the housemate we’re trying to help. I was already aware that some people psychologically have difficulty changing, even with help. It’s why I was adamant that Atira have a psychiatrist and/or therapist on staff to help narrow prospective candidates and then assist them with mental-health therapy as part of the assistance program.

However, I am utilizing this situation to be the next step of Atira Junior. I willingly decided to help this person and invited everything that they are into my home. This latest moment is just helping me see my next step and the progress and learning I have already done.

Our housemate is so entrenched in victimhood that she is doing her best to continue that theme with us even though we are literally supplying nearly everything she needs and have been for two solid months. She is also so entrenched in manipulative situations that she has tried to pit Nathan and I against one another. She’s so used to people taking advantage of her, and defending herself through manipulation that it is the only route she knows right now.

It makes for tricky territory for us, and makes me feel a tinge of sadness for her.

Fortunately, Nathan and I have survived several other situations that had already given us valuable learning lessons in this area. As a result we both caught it right away. We both chose to watch our own words and actions very carefully. We have both talked to each other repeatedly to ensure we are on the same page.

So, now I’m left with having to set written expectations. I am drafting a guideline for her to continue to stay with us, including goal time-frames regarding her employment, transportation and seeking mental-health therapy. I am including in said document all of the many resources that I have offered her repeatedly, starting from before she even left the hospital. The document unfortunately will include statements about consequences if she fails to meet any or especially all of the goals.

I do have a fine line between between providing assistance and feeling that I am being used. This document is intended to delineate that line, and my expectation that behaviors do not progress into using us for personal gain. If behaviors do, she will be asked to leave immediately.

As for me in the now, regarding this post, I wish to focus on the positives and my gratitude for this situation arising.

  • I am grateful that I am able to help someone stay off the street and be in a safe place.
  • I am grateful that I do know and/or have resources available to help those in the worst situations.
  • I am grateful that Nathan and I really did learn from our past and know how to handle this situation better.
  • I am grateful I have all of the tools to refocus and make strides to improvement in an unpleasant moment.
  • I am seeing my progress more and more.
  • I’m thankful now for experiences 14 years ago, that at the time hurt greatly, but are preventing disaster in the now.
  • I am grateful that less and less I’m falling for other’s manipulative actions.
  • I am grateful for my intelligence to learn from negative moments to be able to create better in the future. I am able to learn from life itself, and do not need a teacher (though sometimes the easy route of teacher/student is nice).
  • I am grateful that I have put so much effort into my spiritual education and growth, it is definitely helping me in the now. Again, having accomplished that without a physical guide or teacher is huge. I still do not “belong” to any current organized religion, but I am definitely seeing my path as divinely guided.
  • I am grateful that I have the technology to help accommodate the needs of this situation.
  • I am grateful that I am finally the one in control, and able to craft measured responses to continue assistance in certain terms and framework.
  • I am intensely, massively, appreciative that I have gained enough control of my mental faculties, that even with external influences and energetic turbulence, I have been able to maintain a mostly level head and make very conscious choices and watchy words more carefully than in my past.
  • I am grateful that I can see my efforts to provide assistance, despite another trying to twist a tale of victimization.
  • I am glad that I know how to mitigate that tale and return the responsibility to her court.
  • I am glad that I can maintain sight of the bigger picture even in a very frustrating moment.

I hope that I am able to successfully clear this hurdle and refocus the situation to continued progress.

May you all have moments of appreciation for your learning and growth. May you see where past traumas can benefit you. May you always see the most positive and beneficial route and solutions. May you appreciate all of your learning lessons and the tools which you have gained from them. May you see your own growth and development. May you know that God loves and supports you in all of your journey, even the extra challenging bits. May you know the more challenging something is the more rewarding the outcome can be.

Om Shanti and Many Blessings

*The title picture is a birch tree from my lunchtime walk today. Birch trees represent new beginnings and also communication (native americans and early settlers used to use birch bark for paper). I felt that was fitting for this situation and the post itself.