Tag Archives: challenges

Keeping my word: update 2

*image sourced from Pexels library, is not Atutmn*

My visit with Autumn in the hospital was very good and very needed. She is a beautiful woman that has been hurt many times in her life, and in horrible atrocious ways. I think more than anything that is her biggest hurdle to being well.

I took her a $15 orchid from Hy-Vee (midwestern grocery chain). She cried because they were beautiful and unexpected.

She cried several times, because she explained that she honestly had a wary reaction to our offer to help, along the lines of: ‘what do they want from me’.

It took me explaining my journey with mental health caused by thyroid disease (which I now know probably has it’s root cause in a chronic viral infection) and how much I have had to go through and deal with and figure out on my own. I explained that when I begged God to help me pull up and fix everything, that I had promised to return the favor to others, and she was simply my first encounter to fit the bill.

I also explained to her that for both mine and Nathan’s hospital stays 8 and 10 years ago, there was no one that helped us navigate those times. I simply said “everyone needs someone sometimes, and Nathan and I didn’t have that someone when we needed it, so when I realized she didn’t have anyone, I was determined to be there for her”. She cried again.

We connected on similar childhood journeys and the battle with depression, including many of the symptoms that leave a person feeling crazy and like no one understands. She was amazed when to her comment of “sometimes the world seems so flat and two dimensional”, my response was “like everything looks like cardboard cutouts, like paper dolls”. I explained that I now know that is a symptom of brain swelling combined with exhaustion, your brain literally compresses your view into a more easily processed flattened image, it helps conserve energy and enables processing when the physical structure of the brain is literally under pressure. I told her my last bout of that was when the virus flared 3 weeks ago, and it made driving home very difficult. She cried again, and I cried too.

She was so relieved that someone really truly understood what she was going through. That she wasn’t alone and that there was hope. I told her I’m not perfect, I still have bad days and fall downs, but I will take my occasional fails over the constant struggle of years and years past. I reassured her it isn’t the easiest fix, and can be really hard to maintain, but is totally worth it. She wanted to live to try, and that is huge.

She has had a much harder adult life than I have and that led to some of her current woes. The infection itself started when a drug dealer abducted her and forceably shaved her with a dirty razor. That was the precipitating event that was ended with a police standoff and her being admitted to hospital care. That was one of many horrendous stories she shared with me and Nathan. My heart goes out to her, no one ever deserves to be treated like that.

Regardless, I promised her that I knew several things we could try if she made it out of the hospital. Things that would help with her depression and possibly other health concerns that have been sidelined by trauma and the MRSA infection. Even some techniques that combined with her psychiatric care might help release some of the traumas’ damage. I will not replace the pros, merely supplement.

I also told her if I had known about her job loss, I could have helped with that too, but now we’ll have to wait for her to get better. See, like me she was working with an elderly woman doing home health. Where I go and come from several people, she had one lady that she worked with all the time and that lady had passed away causing her to lose her source of income. I told her that I am connected to the elder care network in this city so well, that if I had known I could have found her work quickly. She cried more.

She was simply overwhelmed that Nathan and I are so willing to help her in what seems to her as huge ways. She said “To think I went to a cafe so many years ago to read a book to escape my father’s abuse.” I told her “I know, sometimes you never know when you meet someone as to what it will mean later”.

Please do keep sending prayers. I may have given her just enough of a nudge of encouragement for her to pull through, but only time and God will tell.


On another note, a friend of ours from college, living in Iowa, is going through a rough journey as well. He could also use prayers. He has more of a support network, but he has small children like me and as you’ll see below and equally scary prognosis as Autumn.

These are challenging times, and the virus of the news is really the least of the problems. The news still wants you to think it is the worst, but I really don’t think it is. I keep reminding people that if someone has health problems slowly taking their lives and corona polishes them off, then corona gets the sole blame. I will not be one bit surprised if at the end of the year, the heart disease, cancer, and other death stats are far lower than they typically trend. It’s how they are padding numbers to make the stats scary.

Beyond that, we are experiencing a global shift and the survivors will be the ones that take care of themselves, but also help humanity find oneness and healing.

If you get stuck in fear, anger, or divisiveness it will likely cause you much more immediate problems. The more time you spend in negative thought patterns, the more likely you will suffer and may not survive. I know this is my biggest challenge, but it really is for everyone, especially with the external input we have available at this time.

You must honor yourself and your needs as much as you are able. You must quiet the mind as much as you are able. You must look for your inner being as much as you are able. And when all else fails look for the flowers or cute kids or adorable animals to distract yourself and find moments of positivity. It is difficult, and I too struggle to do so at times, but coming together and aiming for positive solutions is the main solution for everything.

I half want to write a post expounding on why medicine is scared over this or any virus (the lack of post-contraction treatment beyond symptom relief); but I halfway don’t, because it would cause me to focus on things that piss me off and which I have no solution for personally. I want medicine to solve the problem, but acknowledge there are mechanisms far beyond my control preventing the corporate desire to want the ability to cure chronic viral infections.

I know focusing on that topic for too long would be detrimental to me. I may still work on that post a little at a time. It needs pointed out and expounded on, but if I am to do that I will have to do so in manageable ways that help maintain my own energetically-sovereign-self. We shall eventually see if I can do it or not.

May you find ways to maintain your energetically-sovereign-self and stay buoyant in these challenging times. May you take care of yourself enough to survive the shift. May you see ways to help others do the same. May we all reach for oneness and helping humanity progress for the better. May you see the value of acceptance of others and oneness, and thus enable humanity to improve and survive the shift as a collective. If you are certain it is your time to go, and none of this is possible for you, then may you have the easiest quickest gentlest transition possible. May we all know that God loves and supports all of us and wants all of humanity to grow in positive ways. May you see that God really wants us to genuinely care about those around us, regardless of blood ties or any other superficial ties. May you share the light that helps us all get through our days just a bit easier.

Siva Hir Su

I care.

Sometimes too much.

Yesterday, my mom called while I was working. I had just talked to her the night before and I was in the midst of another full day, so I brushed it off and knew I’d call her when I got home.

Just after lunchtime I felt as if someone pulled my power cord out of the wall. I suddenly was just exhausted. I still had 2 massages to go, so I took some Chinese medicine herbs I thought would help me get through.

I dragged myself through the last two appointments and managed to get home. Then I returned mom’s call and that triggered a chain of events that eventually revealed the reason for my sudden exhaustion.

Mom explained that Dad had been in at least one and possibly two accidents the week prior. She said she was told his truck had been taken to a dealer, and they didn’t know if he damaged his SUV or not. He had spent a few hours in the hospital being treated for low blood sugars and high blood pressure. They were not sure how he had gotten home, but the hospital had most definitely discharged him.

For some strange reason I decided to reach out to his pastor friend before trying to call dad. I emailed and received a very quick reply.

The pastor said the one accident they knew about, his Yukon had been totaled and they had given him a ride home from the hospital. They had helped him with errands for a couple days, and then did a shopping trip for him.

When they went to take the purchases to him they called several times trying to let him know they would be by later. They even had another friend try to call him. No one could get an answer. They decided to just swing by and check on him.

When they arrived his lights were off but the door was unlocked. They opened the door and saw him sitting in his recliner, but he would not respond to them. They called 911.

This was yesterday, the same time as when I hit my exhausted wall.

Late last night on a conference call with two of my brothers we shared everything we knew.

There was 2 accidents. The Yukon was totaled out by insurance, or at least pending that process. The truck is AWOL at the moment, but we just found out it had been sitting at the bottom of a pond for several days and a farmer pulled it out with their tractor. Dad is currently being treated for low sugars, high thyroid, high blood pressure, kidney failure and congestive heart failure, as well as being evaluated for the dementia concerns. Yet he was unscathed injury-wise and coherent enough to talk to my older brother on the phone.

I care enough that I have done everything I can from Kansas City. I care enough to let everyone involved know I’m willing to take him in immediately if the doctors don’t want him being alone. My little brother is trying to use his police officer skills to track down his vehicles and make sure they are taken care of. My big brother is staying on top of the hospital. I tried to call dad earlier and he was with the P.A., and they both said they would call me back. It’s been about 4 hours and I’ve heard nothing yet. Merh.

Dad has always been stubborn, disgruntled, angry, bitter even, and often abusive. In fact he is where I learned all of my least desired habits and traits. Two of my brothers refuse to talk to him unless necessary. Yet, despite his lifetime of bad behavior, we’re all concerned about dad being in the hospital after two car accidents due to medical issues.

He’s likely going to lose his ability to drive and if the hospital releases him to go back home alone, it may not be long until he has another episode. Which if there isn’t anyone to check on him often enough could mean death.

Dad has refused all efforts both me and my older brother have made to help him. We’ve suggested things to prepare for end of life concerns, we’ve both even suggested him moving closer to one of us. Now it seems there is likely going to be an uncomfortable push to convince him or demand he move where he can have help, the hospital evaluation will determine a lot of the forcefulness there. If he still refuses, another hospital trip may cause the state to insist on a nursing facility.

All of this is stressful to think about and deal with, but I do, because I love my dad; pig-headed, abusive faults and all.

In the end I just hope he’s either okay and cared for, or that he gets the quick easy solitary exit he seems determined to have.

One moment though, leaves me scratching my head, I haven’t knowingly felt my dad in eons. I haven’t felt his dragging down energy since living with him last, well over 15 years ago. Why on Earth did I get hit so hard with it yesterday, but with no indicator of who it was or what needed done? And how did I know to contact the pastor and not him? I get things psychically all the time, but this was just different and odd. It still doesn’t make much sense to me because there is no way I could have done anything with what I did get. If God was trying to save him through me, it failed even worse than any of my other half correct or misinterpreted messages. It’s just a bit confusing and frustrating.

I’m glad the pastor decided to just show up though. Despite the lifetime of hurts from my childhood, which I have mostly worked through and forgiven, I do still love and care about my father. I’m glad he is being treated and cared for.

May you have helpful intuitive knowing. May you always know who is in trouble and how you can help. May your loved ones be safe and healthy. May you have forgiveness for those that left scars. May you love your family through thick and thin. May your parents respect your desire to help. May you have the answers you seek. May you know you are loved and supported and that God cares about all of us. May you have a strong appreciation for the preciousness of all life and how easily it can end a variety of ways. May you know it is not your time to go yet.

Siva Hir Su

Slowing down.

I fell again yesterday….. Again! …. Right?!

The chiropractor was kind enough to adjust me again today, and provided a reminder I need to slow down and be conscious of caring for myself. I replied “I know, I promised I would slow down, but it’s so hard when I’ve spent so many years trying to do everything.”

It is though, falls are always God’s attempt at slowing me down. Sadly, or is it thankfully, they always work. So tonight I’m nursing angry muscles, partly from the fall and partly from the corrective adjustment. As I lay with a tennis ball wedged against my left psoas muscle, I’m catching up on watching notification videos, and the following was a powerful one.

Watch “Jacob Lee – Oceans (Official Music Video)” on YouTube

I really feel that one. Sometimes I do feel exactly how the singer did, especially in these crazy times where fear over a singular disease has caused all of society to cease real living. But it seems I’m getting better and better at finding my source, my inner always present divine half. The half that never leaves me, but sometimes it’s awfully hard to see or feel.

I went nearly 2 decades fighting off suicidal depression, and in the last five years I’ve found alignment more than not. I still have boughts of severe depression, but they’re shorter and shorter now, knowing all of my triggers and how to fix being in the hole. That information is priceless and I still look forward to the day I find total healing and those days disappear altogether.

I know I’m on the right track, and right now I’m literally throwing every tool I know at finding healing. It’s part of the reason God wants me to slow down, I am doing so much I probably need to give myself a breather and let my system catch up.

It made me a little mad though because I’ve now missed two days of workouts, the fall happening 90 min before my projected workout, and the aftermath making exercise a physical impossibility.

At one time I hated exercise because it was so difficult for me, now I miss it. At one time I hated running because it was so hard, no I look forward to making friends with it knowing it’s starting to help. At one point I hated cilantro, now I love it for it’s detoxifying effects having started the healing in my brain. There are so many things that I have a much much greater appreciation for, all because they help me feel better and they are slowly healing my brain and my body.

I wish that for everyone.

Beyond my gratitude over those solutions, I have immense gratitude for all of the people, current and past, that have helped me find solutions or fix me when my efforts are not enough or applicable (especially the chiropractor today). Those people that rescued me when I needed it most. Many were one time helpers, few have helped me repeatedly, but all were pricelessly valuable.

May you all see your worth. May you love your gifts from God. May you understand your challenges and love the solutions. May you live life to the fullest, and know that food is a tiny fraction of what that means. May you give back to the divine by helping others find the solutions they need. May you show gratitude for the people in your life that help you implement those solutions. May you love exercise and all of the things that enable you to live a greater life. May your greater living not only be more enjoyable, but of greater assistance to the world. May we all work together to create a better world for us all.

Siva Hir Su శివ హిర్ సు