Tag Archives: challenges

Slowing down.

I fell again yesterday….. Again! …. Right?!

The chiropractor was kind enough to adjust me again today, and provided a reminder I need to slow down and be conscious of caring for myself. I replied “I know, I promised I would slow down, but it’s so hard when I’ve spent so many years trying to do everything.”

It is though, falls are always God’s attempt at slowing me down. Sadly, or is it thankfully, they always work. So tonight I’m nursing angry muscles, partly from the fall and partly from the corrective adjustment. As I lay with a tennis ball wedged against my left psoas muscle, I’m catching up on watching notification videos, and the following was a powerful one.

Watch “Jacob Lee – Oceans (Official Music Video)” on YouTube

I really feel that one. Sometimes I do feel exactly how the singer did, especially in these crazy times where fear over a singular disease has caused all of society to cease real living. But it seems I’m getting better and better at finding my source, my inner always present divine half. The half that never leaves me, but sometimes it’s awfully hard to see or feel.

I went nearly 2 decades fighting off suicidal depression, and in the last five years I’ve found alignment more than not. I still have boughts of severe depression, but they’re shorter and shorter now, knowing all of my triggers and how to fix being in the hole. That information is priceless and I still look forward to the day I find total healing and those days disappear altogether.

I know I’m on the right track, and right now I’m literally throwing every tool I know at finding healing. It’s part of the reason God wants me to slow down, I am doing so much I probably need to give myself a breather and let my system catch up.

It made me a little mad though because I’ve now missed two days of workouts, the fall happening 90 min before my projected workout, and the aftermath making exercise a physical impossibility.

At one time I hated exercise because it was so difficult for me, now I miss it. At one time I hated running because it was so hard, no I look forward to making friends with it knowing it’s starting to help. At one point I hated cilantro, now I love it for it’s detoxifying effects having started the healing in my brain. There are so many things that I have a much much greater appreciation for, all because they help me feel better and they are slowly healing my brain and my body.

I wish that for everyone.

Beyond my gratitude over those solutions, I have immense gratitude for all of the people, current and past, that have helped me find solutions or fix me when my efforts are not enough or applicable (especially the chiropractor today). Those people that rescued me when I needed it most. Many were one time helpers, few have helped me repeatedly, but all were pricelessly valuable.

May you all see your worth. May you love your gifts from God. May you understand your challenges and love the solutions. May you live life to the fullest, and know that food is a tiny fraction of what that means. May you give back to the divine by helping others find the solutions they need. May you show gratitude for the people in your life that help you implement those solutions. May you love exercise and all of the things that enable you to live a greater life. May your greater living not only be more enjoyable, but of greater assistance to the world. May we all work together to create a better world for us all.

Siva Hir Su శివ హిర్ సు

Doubling Down

SO, I had my appointment today. The doctor I originally spoke with has family with medical concerns, apparently long term and so he has minimal office hours. The results, I was assigned to see his PA. I was less than impressed with her.

The conversation that I had with him was nearly night and day from what she wanted to do. I talked to him about an option to get my immune system to subside and she went on a Metformin tangent and completely disregarded the LDN option to help calm immune function. At the end of an hour appointment, I walked away with the knowing that she had taken a similar journey and given up because she couldn’t stick to diet protocols. She called them unrealistic and had decided that living on metformin and thyroid meds was the only “livable option”.

All I can say is, how can anyone in their right mind decide for a patient at 37 years of age, that living on Metformin and Thyroid medicine is the only way to get through life. I could easily live for another 40 to 50 years, and if I decided to choose meds as an indefinite option now, then what will happen when those meds become insufficient in 10 or 20 years. The answer that is more and more frequent for many patients is: higher and higher doses, then when capped out, add other medications and then increase doses of those. Repeat until either death or options run out. That is how I have 80 and 90 year-olds on cocktails of 20 medications, that essentially circle back to the same few problems. And those cocktails always have side effects ranging from wicked dry mouth, to no tear production, to a constant watering of eyes, to muscle spasms, diarrhea, constipation, and major fluid retention. I often wonder with all their side effects why patients ever let doctors pile the meds on, but one after another, after another it happens.

Regardless, of the original doctor’s suggestion, or the PA’s suggestion, the answer was still long term indefinite medication usage. Neither one actually offered a real true solution. Neither of them could offer a path to normal biological function as I was born with. So again I am infuriated with western medicine. All their big claims and no real usable results. I don’t understand how doctors can live with themselves. How can you, day-in and day-out, market yourself as a healer- a health care provider and not actually fix anything. Medications don’t fix things. They mask symptoms at a very nice cost for big pharma, and they claim you as their unwilling victim until the day you die, never ever getting to break free of the vicious dosage cycle. Then to acknowledge that my problems arose after vaccinations I am extra livid. You broke me with something intended to keep me from catching a disease, and now I have problems that you want to solve by medicating me for 40+ years. Cause my problem and then you can’t solve my problem. I don’t think so.

Anyway, I’ll get my sonogram (probably Thursday or Friday as I need to call a seperate office to book that appointment in the morning). Once I have the results of the sonogram, I’ll base full decisions on that. If it is just the nodules and cysts common to thyroid patients, then I’ll move on. If it is deemed tumor or cancerous, I’ll need to look at options closely.

For now, I am assuming that it is the nodules and I am deciding to double down on my protocols.

I had a long conversation with Nathan. I have already discussed with him several times that I needed to get back on the full pregnancy regimen, but this evening it somehow clicked for him. He is now really excited about helping me to have a not-baby of healing. We talked about all the details, and how I need his support with this as much as both real pregnancies. I reminded him of how I need the most help with willpower since there isn’t actually a bun in the oven. He reminded me though of how I am already doing spectacular, that I am already doing way more than the average person. I know this, and even the stupid PA admitted that I am doing way more than most people even could. That doesn’t mean it is enough, and I need to find out what enough is for me.

So we broke it down to remind ourselves:

  • I now know that almonds, chocolate, and chickpeas/garbanzo-beans were culprits causing at least some of the reactions that plagued 3rd trimester of Katherine and have slowed me down the last 6 months. They have now been eliminated.
  • I know that when pregnant it was a must to get 45-60 min of exercise a day. I now know that needs to include at least some running. No more passes on exercise- I must do it everyday, no matter what. Gyms reopening will help with that, but I will take to climbing up an down stairs at home or work if I have to.
  • We know that when I was pregnant I had to eat something every hour to two tops. If I didn’t eat often enough it was nausea and puke city. If I ate too frequently I couldn’t control glucose numbers. So it very much directly affected my metabolism in a huge way.
  • With the eating, it’s very low carb, allergen free, at this point pescatarian, and I must compensate for no baby calories. That means 300 calories less per day than my pregnancy average. Yikes. And in tiny doses.
  • Some nuts are okay as long as I really watch serving size and calories, no walnuts or almonds for the allergy flag.
  • Some vegetables can slow thyroid function, so I can eat them, but need to be conscious of how frequently and quantity. These would mainly be: Kale, Broccoli, Cauliflower, and Cabbage. Spinach is kind of on the fence because its iron levels help process existing thyroid hormones, but it can be similar to kale in the slow the thyroid function.
  • I must make sure to do the anti-inflammatory things I know work: sunshine in the first hour of my day, turmeric, brommelain, exercise, and proper sleep duration and timing.
  • Minimal fruit, with blueberries and apples being most tolerable. Other berries okay in smaller doses. NO oranges/clementines/grapefruit (I have folic acid processing difficulties.)
  • Chia pudding with stevia is still a good filler giving the metabolic benefits of the trigger of eating, but not causing any caloric or sugar effects.
  • Celery and carrots and regular lettuces are great… I pointed out to Nathan: “Do I like it? Do I want it? No to both- Great I can eat all I can stomach!” Sarcasm aside, that seems to be the real equation here with food. If it isn’t something I care to eat a ton of, then I can consume as much as I can convince myself to chew. If I want to binge on it, then I really shouldn’t have any at all. It’s vexing emotionally, exasperating, but at least it is a relatively easy one to follow.
  • I’m going to stick to no meat since it was causing reactions last fall. Only occasional fish/shrimp.
  • Continue with grain free and minimal beans since it seems only green beans and peas are tolerated well.

So, after having gone over all of that with Nathan we went home and put together tomorrow’s food. 2.5 oz nuts, 2.5 oz Peanut Butter. More celery than I care to look at. A whole cucumber sliced up. 2 small salads no toppings. 3 oz of homemade coconut milk “dill dip” and my homemade blueberry vinaigrette. Finally, 1 small apple. Yay rabbit food.

My goal is 9 months of not-pregnancy. Hopefully at the end of that journey will be a much smaller and healed me. I hope that one day I might be able to eat like normal human beings. Not societies’ current standard of normal with all the crap foods and highly processed everything. No real human normal, where grains and beans are okay in small doses, and my immune system lets the occasional lapse slide without reaction. That would be a nice day.

Side note I wish I could find a doctor like this guy (see link) here in KC. That seems an impossibility. https://drhyman.com/blog/2010/07/30/how-to-stop-attacking-yourself-9-steps-to-heal-autoimmune-disease/

May you have an easy road to recovery. May you know real healing is in reach. May you find yourself able to stay away from doctors. May you know your solutions and be able to act upon them. May your body never be damaged by things out of your control. May you find a way to allow god’s healing into your life and your body. May you be safe and secure. May you have effective and finite treatments. May you survive what others can’t. May you know you are doing your best and that it is way better than others even try to do. May you find the solutions you seek and have the best outcomes for any situation.

Siva Hir Su

Throuple or Quadouple?

The lyrics above, I took a screenshot of: Alan Walker’s “Faded”, has been a reoccurring song reminder of my SJ. I do often wonder if that exchange is my own personal Atlantis, and still hope it’s not.

Regardless of that reminder appearing in my day, I had originally set out to write today to discuss a new, but not really new to me, concept.

I was introduced to the word-invention: Throuple.

I got very excited because the person that explained it was a woman I’m attracted to. I was psyched that she knew of polyamory topics enough to introduce a new word to my vocabulary.

So, the word itself I’d never heard before, yet the concept is one Nathan and I have discussed many times over. Essentially, based upon my new search, it’s a variation of the family of 3 concept, started by a somewhat famous/infamous triad of two men and one woman.

Once upon a time “ménage à trois” was the French phrase that many English speaking people used to describe a man with 2 women. Literally the French phrase can mean any family of three, even 2 parents and a child. However for whatever reason it often was innuendo for a triad of adults, usually 1 man and 2 women, being intimate.

Nathan and I were labeled unicorn hunters when we intended to seek that out. After many failures, we decided to redefine our acceptable arrangements and open ourselves to more options.

Fast forward a decade and I’m sitting having a conversation with a very attractive potential mate. She proceeded to describe a Throuple as really any 3 or 4 adults, but her ideal was one or two women and two men because women are more complex than many men. We connected intensely in that conversation.

I explained to her about having been labeled unicorn hunters, and that we opened ourselves up to more options. So, even though I’d never heard the word, we had discussed for many hours over many years, our preferences and okay concessions.

I agreed with this person on most everything and a few of her points made Nathan think more deeply. My current ideal is flexible in quantity, hence creating Quadouple, even quincouple (don’t want to get it confused with the babies’ quintuple). However, I do agree with women being complex enough to need more people to meet more complex needs. Plus there is always benefit to multiples in creating flexibility. The 4 or 5 concept can be subdivided multiple ways, and in varying combinations to create a seemingly unlimited way to experience each other. {A+B+C and D+E, or A+D and B+E with C being alone, and so on.} You get the idea, lots of ways to be together or separate as each individual prefers at any given moment, and it’s not restricted to intimacy, that can even been in mundane interactions.

So yes, I was very excited to have new vocabulary for existing concepts in our experience. I haven’t been able to get that conversation out of my head, and it’s been 3 days since our Valentine’s Day date. Perhaps this is a new leaf enabling more moving forward. I’m hesitant but excited.

Bonus, the date was at a Mexican restaurant that pushed literally every allergy button while getting drunk, but I took extra allergy meds, and came through the experience in relatively good condition. I did have a fair hangover with significant inflammation, but was able to manage the effects with Advil and more allergy medicine and a good amount of detox tea. I was a bit sore in joints the following day, but managed to stay out of the hole I used to fall into.

Beyond our exciting V-Day date, I had a half day off for my family to honor me with a small pleasant birthday celebration, and spent the rest of my weekend unpacking boxes that had been in storage for years. It enabled even more beautification of our new home. It was a good few days, and I look forward to more and more enjoyable days like that.

May you all find good reminders of your hopes and connections. May you find reasons to be excited moving forward. May you find exciting validation of your goals and preferences. May you find people you are attracted to, and whom are attracted to you as well- reciprocation. May you have good dates, fun holiday cerebrating, enjoyable birthdays, and good times with family. May you feel attractive, accepted, loved, and supported. May you fall in love more than out of it. May you know God is helping and guiding you. May you feel confident in everything working out for the best. May it all always be okay.

Siva Hir Su