Tag Archives: character

Already on the bus.

So I’ve finished reading “The Energy Bus” and realize now that I’ve already gotten my bus going. It’s been a slow start, bumpy ride, with a few breakdowns already, but my bus is generally pointed the right direction and moving.

Really I’ve been driving my bus for a while, but just need more focus and helpful passengers

I have my committed passengers, in for the full ride- my family by marriage and by giving birth.

I have my semi-committed or part time riders, people in my daily and work life that are generally as helpful as they can be, but can’t necessarily stay for the whole ride. Sometimes they’re on and sometimes they’re busy on their own bus.

I have at least one passenger, maybe 2 or 3 that I’m hoping are like the character Michael. Where they removed themselves, but ultimately come around, and end up finding themselves wanting to make positive changes too, and join my bus again. That would be nice, not just for my bus, but for them- their state of being- and because it will validate messages I got what seems like forever ago. May we all master only feeding the good dog.

So far I’ve already ejected a few of what was termed “Energy Vampires” from my bus, and there’s one big one that needs to go yet. Fortunately, those from my biological family have mostly removed themselves from my life, so that’s one less hurdle.

With all that being said, this book leaves me acknowledging I have steps to go yet.

I have used this blog to write about Atira many times, but it’s scattered through multiple posts and partial posts, and I’m not sure I’ve ever reinforced the entirety of the complexity of that to those on board my bus, even if part time. I think it would help to get more concise with my desires, vision, and focus so that there is one document I can reference. Maybe even to give them copies.

I still have a ways to go to ensure I’m only feeding the good dog, and fueling my bus with positive energy. I have the basic idea, but have some practicing to do to maintain it, because I do let fear and stress get the better of me frequently.

Also, I totally spend too much time worrying about people that don’t get on my bus. I will get better at acknowledging maybe it’s too soon for them or they have other reasons for not joining my route. It’s not personal to me, it’s personal for them and their journey.

Additionally, I still have a ways to go on demonstrating my own enthusiasm and love. I already do both, but often allow myself to be easily deflated, especially when my efforts go unnoticed, unacknowledged, or unresponded to. Then once I’ve been deflated, I definitely still struggle to get back up and give another go.

I also need to find my purpose in everything better. It’s easy for me when what I’m doing is part of my vision for Atira, but much much harder when my task-at-hand is seemingly unrelated. That is evidence of not fully knowing that “everything happens for a reason”. I must trust more and find how everything relates. How does what I’m doing fit with my journey and fuel my bus.

Lastly, a huge must: start having more fun and enjoying the ride more. It’s not that I don’t at all, but I really succumb to stress easily. I’m latching onto the books’ phrase “you can’t feel stressed when you feel blessed”. That is my biggest new goal. To be “too blessed to be stressed”.

With that I wanted to share the list of rules the book went over:

And finally, I wanted to share an Abraham Lincoln quote (below) from the book that really resonated with me. My life journey fine-tuned to that direction after the online stranger woke my dreams up in me. I realized I may fail, I may never actually get there, but giving up all together- ignoring who I’ve become- is far worse than failing. I must remain true to who I am and where I’d like to go, if I’m to ever find consistent happiness and have any chance at all of possibly making it there. I want my light to shine bright from here until my dieing days.

Again, thank you for hanging in with me and joining at least the written part of my ride. I sincerely hope you benefit from my words in one way or another.

Spider web screams to personality traits on the day of “freedom”.

Happy fourth everyone.

My day started with molting in the shower. I’m losing hair at an alarming rate, my one shower created a golf ball sized wad, and my mood is as unstable as ever. Both things happened after Ian’s birth, and I attributed them to the thyroid crash knowing that both are commonly experienced in thyroid malfunction. However this time, even if my thyroid itself is struggling, I have enough medication in my system to override symptoms. So I have no idea why I’m having said symptoms except that it must be postpartum hormones. If only it wasn’t such an ordeal and expense to figure out the exact mechanism at play. For now I’ll continue to muddle through.

Otherwise, my holiday started with a couple of hours of work, fortunately close by. As Nathan always does he walked me out carrying my drinks. He put my drinks in the car via the passenger side, and I walked around the car to get in. As I sat down I found myself directly in the middle of a large spider web and the spider dropped down beside me into the floor-board. I leapt out of the car screaming and brushing my arm and shoulder off. As I told Nathan what happened I found the offensive spider and smashed it. (The biggest reason why I could never commit to Buddhism: I have a rule with spiders that if I can see and reach them they die.)

I exclaimed “Why didn’t you tell me it was there!”. He said he didn’t see it, and I continued with “But you get upset because I assume you can’t see your son’s yogurt splatters on tan carpet!” He then pointed out the irony of sitting in a web, and how spiders are supposed to have a link to communication and messages, like “Charlotte’s Web” (though it goes back much further in history to Native lore). I exclaimed I know, I’ve had proverbial “spiders sitting down beside” me all week. This wasn’t the first, I’m not sure it was even the fifteenth in a little over a week. Only I’m not Miss Muffit or PIG, and I’ve got no idea WTF they’re trying to tell me.

So I left for work with a sigh and adrenaline jitters.

My first bit (massage) went well, and when I showed up for my second stretch (non-massage) I discovered it would be much shorter than expected. So, I passed the shorter time taking a personality test that Hannah had requested. She explained to me that she likes figuring things out like interpersonal relationships and interactions, and sees how Myers-Briggs helps with that. So I willingly obliged.

The result was that I’m an INFJ (-T). After reading all the info about that type, it’s strengths and weaknesses, and how it reacts to stress, I can say I agree it fits me well. There does seem to be a few minor qualities that are not exact, but I tend to feel that way about most labels. They’re mostly accurate, but everyone is still an individual regardless of their labels. Labels are merely guidelines.

As far as INFJ goes for me, I only procrastinate on things assigned to me by others. If it’s my own doing I rarely put it off, but will still exhaust myself to ensure completion. Additionally, I find a bit more balance between emotional response and rationalization than is implied, unless stress is a factor (like my postpartum struggle). However, Overwhelment for me usually only occurs when I feel things are not flowing properly or moving fast enough. Also, I tend to lack tact in giving others my honest opinion, and thus don’t always give their emotional response due diligence. Finally, I have worked very hard over the years to become less introverted and more extroverted, so I tend to fall nearly in the middle on that factor, constantly trying to balance the value of social environments with my need for solitude.

So, all of those elements do play important roles in my personality, but with slight tweaks. Otherwise, yes, everything else I read on INFJ personality type pretty well hits the nail on the head.

….

Hannah had suggested that my quest to fix my brain and emotional outbursts is less about being broken and more about it’s just part of my personality. It seems from what I’ve read she may be right. However, those elements were listed as weaknesses, and isn’t part of our humanity to acknowledge our weaknesses and aim to improve them, even if ever so slightly?

I remember a conversation with Nathan’s Ex’s brother years ago, where we agreed whole heartedly on that sentiment. He believed that humanity as a whole was shifting perceptions by gradually changing things in just that way. Each generation essentially taking baby steps to improve what was perceived as a negative from the previous generation.

For me those are my most negative qualities or weaknesses, those are the less than desirable traits that I learned from my parents. So part of my personality or not, I still aim to improve upon them or fix them. There is no reason my children should have to endure the worst of me to just create another generation of repeat. If I can improve enough, then I can break at least one negative cycle, and enable my children to experience better states of being. That’s my goal, and if I can figure out something that then helps others along the way then I’ve really won my own battle, regardless of how treacherous the journey was. Because I really do reach for helping the world be a better place for everyone, not just me, not just my family. I do intensely desire to help makes the world a better place.

Because, for me that is true freedom. To be able to create a new and better world to live in and enable our children to do the same. That is freedom.

Freedom is not a government making rules to turn around and change their minds every couple of years. Freedom is not inflated egos telling others what to do and yelling “because I said so and I can”, and then getting defensive over negative reactions…

Freedom is the right to choose, To choose better, To choose improvement, and to allow others to do the same whether you agree with their choices or not. I celebrate true freedom on this fourth, and mark another notch on my path to my own freedom.

May you all have a moment of recognition of that on this fourth.

Role  models aren’t always perfect. 

I have really been seeing my son as a mirror lately.  He does so many things just like me. I find it amazing since I’m gone so much working in the metro.  Yet,  he has somehow managed to pick up nearly all of my mannerisms, and likes to do things mommy does.

I really appreciate this when it’s things like sweeping or cleaning, or when he goes to pick up a real drill fully intending to fix some obscure thing he’s noticed (which by the way my almost 3 year old knows how to handle a real drill safely). He loves watching Bob the Builder and comments on the lady builder being like me. I’ve seemed to help him feel the beat in music and he enjoys dancing (though he doesn’t like music loud like I do). He’s even taken to coloring now,  and especially loves it when we share coloring a picture.

I often cringe though. Usually when he swears, though we all laugh, because as friends pointed out he has  proper swearing ettiquet. He uses ALL the words correctly,  in proper context,  and doesn’t swear around people he doesn’t know. Yikes.

He also yells. Anya asked me why he was yelling at her yesterday.  I told her it’s because he’s learned well.  When I ask nicely I get no response,  but when I yell people do what I say. I said it’d have been easier on everyone if people just did things when I asked nicely, but no, now Ian has learned that it takes yelling too. So when he really wants something- right now,  he yells. Yikes.

He’s definitely a mirror,  for better or worse.  Yet I have to remind myself no-one is perfect.  I think I’m doing a bit better than my parents, definitely a work in progress,  but I  spend less time yelling & angry, and I reach for happy more.  I am more affectionate and cuddly. I do my best to make moments count and show my appreciation for my family where I can.

That being said,  even though I can see my parents negatives,  I still love them.  I see they did the best they could with the tools and knowledge they had. Even though they seem to be disappointed in me, I know they still love me somewhere in their hearts. I appreciate all they did do for me, and that they did do their best. That’s all anyone can really ask of their parents.

I know they must feel like they did something wrong to create the mess of me. I’m a bisexual pagan liberal socialist hippie that can’t stand conservatives and doesn’t go to church.  Yet, my ability and desire to help others, take care of others,  be responsible for others,  make people feel good, and be a humanitarian, wouldn’t have happened if not for their influence. I would have given up years ago if it hadn’t  been for their influence.  They made me strong, they made me a fighter. They made me independent,  they helped me find my intelligence.  They encouraged me to keep trying,  keep searching, keep learning.

I may not have done things just like them,  I’m a different person, but they gave me the foundation to be me.

So, I take that,  and look at my little mirror knowing that one day he’ll take my good & bad parts and make them his own,  probably striving  to be better than I am.  I can only hope that he’ll be as aware and acknowledge the same in regards to me. I hope he’ll hold me as his wonderful loving not-so-perfect mom and role model.