Tag Archives: choice

Expectations of Happiness

How does one define happiness, and why is our own definition so illusive?

It’s a weird rhetorical question.

I have no solid answer myself, as I can find my happiness sitting alone in a room, meditating, during a quiet massage session, or sitting in my hammock.

On the same token there are times that I feel like I should be happy when I’m not.

Today is the 4th of July. Former president Trump and 2020 ruined what shred was left of my patriotism. I should be happy to celebrate this holiday, but I have been grumpy all day long. At the same time I am fighting a desired to run away.

I could apply for a management position at what is now my part-time second job, they are hiring for many positions with an impending new building opening. It would be a massive promotion and I’m certain they want me to do so. It could be equivalent to income I make from the clinic, maybe a hair more, and the work would likely be much easier on me physically. However, the stress levels would be high, I’d probably be on-call a lot, and likely end up working as much, if not more, than I do now. It’s not my own business, and it’s not the intentional community I desired.

The skills might help with my dream community, but at this point I have a strong awareness that I can learn anything I need in a very short span of time, so the learning lesson is much less of a draw these days. Beyond that, 2020 again ruined my desire to work with elderly in any fashion, and I am already considering quitting the part-time work because of it. I would have much less headache and Saturday afternoons off, something that seems really appealing with our new mess related to dialysis.

The clinic still has me occupied 5 to 6 days a week and I feel like I work with platonic family. It is a good feeling and I know my work there is genuinely helping many people. Literally the only real drawback is that it is hard on my body and requires many hours of self care. Also because of that, I know my income will always be limited and I have likely already reached my maximum.

If I stay where I am and doing what I am doing then life will be fairly unchanged for years to come. It’s not really a horrible thing, but I am simply just tired of bearing the weight of a family alone. I have done it for almost 16 years and on very few occasions Nathan or I had to grovel to our parents for assistance. Most of them were right after we moved to Kansas city and turned around to deal with his hospital stay. It was a very rough period and the only period that I had to beg for parental assistance more than once. Out of 16 years I’ve asked my mom for money 4 times, and Nathan’s mom about the same (maybe a couple more times). The rest of the 16 years has fallen squarely on our shoulders, and only the last 10 have been my sole responsibility. When I state it that way, it doesn’t seem like that much, but my experience of it is just wearing me out.

I’ve been contemplating grad school, but know I can’t get a loan. So to that end I’m contemplating taking the MCAT and Mensa tests. It’s my hope to get scholarship if I do well enough, but I’ve set no direct commitment yet, only inquiries on tests and chiropractic college.

I’m also contemplating simply looking into a loan to start a massage school of actual merit. THAT I already have enough knowledge and commitment for. God knows KC needs a decent massage school, or I’d be able to find a quality trade partner easier. It would be a ton of legwork and writing on the front end, skimping by financially until a student body could be acquired and actual classes could begin. There would be accreditation processes and board certification processes, course management and all of the regular business and accounting issues to deal with, all out of whatever loan I managed to procure. It would be fast paced and grueling for several months to get set-up and functional, and everything would ride on loans until students began enrollment. Not impossible- my massage school had just done that when I enrolled 14 years ago and they are still functional.

This week the chiropractor encouraged me to shift my business to a full LLC, and I wondered if that was my cue to lean that direction. I simply don’t know.

Part of me is perfectly fine with settling and riding the calm waters of maintaining what I’ve already created. Especially if I quit the part-time job and get my Saturdays back for relaxation and fun.

Part of me knows this is not really my Atira, and is downtrodden over the prospects that I may never see my actual dream manifest. That’s the part of me that wants to run away.

I simply don’t know, and my tired brain just wants the elusive happiness all the time. It’s there when I have the time and space to find it, but I have a hell of a time keeping it in me.

For now I leave you with my rhetorical question and ramblings.

May you find your happiness, know your expectations, and find a way to maintain it regardless. May you instill in your children the ability to maintain their happiness while also lifting our world up. May we all enjoy our lives mostly and find ease in navigating the paths of life. May you be comfortable with your life regardless of where the roads lead you. May you see that everything happens for a reason, sometimes to just give you clarity on what you don’t want. Above all may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Allopathic ignores Mind-Body

This is a slight continuation of my previous post. I forgot one point I wanted to convey.

Allopathic medicine chooses to ignore the Mind-Body connection.

I chose my words here carefully. It is a conscious choice of medicine to ignore the role of the mind in the health of the body.

There is pretense to help with the mind because depression and anxiety have a whole host of medications that are often picked randomly and given a fair chance to help. There is also various methods of mental counseling, some of which can help greatly. I myself have utilized those techniques after medications fell horribly short of any relief (they didn’t do anything because my depression was thyroid linked and medications attempted didn’t even address thyroid for decades).

However, those psychological techniques are merely tools that one can use to right their own thoughts and realign with their higher self. In order for lasting relief to be gained one must practice them until they become second nature. That is the hardest part and the one that American Allopathic medicine currently could not care less if you actually master them.

Here in America you are given 14 weeks to break free from depression’s death grip. If that fails, it is up to you to figure out how to obtain more care, which often means either switching practitioners or taking a break so that your care can be counted as a new 14 weeks. Certain diagnosis’ can get you indefinite care, but often at your own expense regardless of income level, that is unless the condition is so severe it is found as a permanent disability.

Yet, this is after Allopathic medicine has well documented the placebo effect, the effects of meditation on the mind and body, and many instances of spontaneous healing of a wide variety. They have documented it so well that most doctors will say, yes it’s a possibility but because we don’t know how it works we can’t rely on it.

Yet they do know how it works. Hundreds of studies on meditation have documented direct effects on the mind and the body. They range from hormone level changes, to nerve function, to brain function during MRI’s, to effects on blood pressure and heart rate. They have documented thousands of cases of the effects of solid meditation in the mind and body. Enough to even have statistics along the lines of: X meditation practiced Y amount of time leads to Z percent of relief.

So why isn’t meditation and those other psychological techniques a priority? Why don’t we teach everyone how to do them and guide them enough that they do become second nature?

I believe the reason for this and my previous posts’ points is that they want us to stay sick.

They make more money off of us when we are not fully well. The American Allopathic system makes a ton of money off of treating symptoms enough to keep us alive but not fully healed. That is the biggest pandemic of all, and one that many people are still blind to.

Just like my thyroid disease. It was ignored for 20 years while trying depression meds; given basic medication treatment for 6 and was promised a lifetime of continued medication. I, via a helpful client have stumbled onto the true root cause and thus a potential final solution. If the hypothesis works I won’t need medication any more, which means the medical system will quit making money off of me. They can’t stand that idea.

What started as a system over 200 years ago with intent to genuinely help people heal, has become a big money making factory system. We are all just the cogs that keep it running. If you choose to decided that that is unacceptable, like me, you will likely run into the same wall of uncooperative doctors that I did. It simply becomes a threat to their livelihood. You will have to stand your ground and keep your wits about you, because they will do their best to dissuade you or convince you that your desires are either impossible or crazy. They will do anything to challenge your intelligence and make their system of symptom management seem like it is the better and only real choice.

The biggest problem is that they control the necessary tools to document your progress and processes. With the exception of most blood based labwork, you need the damn doc’s to order bigger tests and write temporary scripts to buy the time needed to accomplish the real goal. For some of the alternative treatments you would also have to have a practitioner willing to do them, and some of those treatments require specific certifications or an MD. That has been my battle the last 2 years, that is once I realized if I wanted full health and that I would have to take matters into my own hands and figure it out on my own. Now I battle to find someone willing to help me, and hopefully my client’s Functional Medicine guy will be my answer.

If you are on a journey like me, I wish you the best of luck and recommend the following documentaries.

The Secret” and it’s counterpart “The Opus”

What the bleep do we know

”Heal”

“The Gut, Our Second Brain

There are dozens of others that will come up if you watch those, it will truly become a rabbit hole.

May you be well informed on your health possibilities. May you see new avenues to try. May you find practitioners willing and able to help you with your preferred choices. May you find the answers you seek. May you find your way out of being a medical cog. May you find true health. May you be wholley well and fully healed. May you live the life you desire.

Siva Hir Su

New Perspective

My quote from Abraham this morning comes on the heels of a discussion with Nathan about how I’m changing my perspective on food.

“When you are in vibrational harmony, your body produces whatever it needs to remain in perfect balance.”

-Excerpted from Boston, MA on 10/20/96
Our Love,

Esther
(and Abraham and Jerry)

So the discussion was last night, and essentially I explained that I had been noticing a trend where people in general, but especially younger people- babies and children, are experiencing the same patterns I have with food.

I have also noted many people talking about a shift happening in humanity. Often from different perspectives and on different topics (politics, socio-economic, healing, diet, etc ).

Putting two and two together, my theory and change in perspective has broken down to the following.

Making the assumption that the shift is real, and pervades all areas of our lives, one would have to acknowledge that mankind is changing. Abraham states that forward momentum is to higher vibrations. So human kind as a whole is shifting to a higher vibration.

Food Allergies then could be interpreted as the resistance against mooving towards that higher vibration with diet and healing. It is the result of being more sensitive to the energy and vibration that food carries. If your body has already acknowledged that it wants to keep up with the shift, and knows what level of vibration that equals, then it is going to really push back every time you give it anything less than what is desired. Thus, you become “allergic” to lower vibrating foods.

Now what:

So then one (especially Myself) must admit the dissonance and focus on the solution. In my case with food, that has become repeatedly acknowledging that I am now hyper sensitive to foods and my body only wants the highest vibrating foods in just enough quantities to sustain myself.

Once I allowed myself to keep up with me, and focus on that repetition, it’s as if the battle is not as hard. My body is beginning to shed toxins and inflammation is backing off, I’m feeling much better physically. It has also made sticking to my regimen easier to stomach, so to speak (double entendre intentional).

I am back to my nibble of super healthy food every couple of hours. Nuts, apples, pears, lean plain meats- mostly fish or chicken, and far more salads in my experience with the deep dark greens.

I’m also referencing being very sensitive to foods now, instead of talking about my allergies or being allergic. I just say I’m very sensitive to foods and so I’m extra careful most of the time in choosing what I eat.

The Fall:

Now, that has not eliminated the social environments where food is provided and heavily encouraged by others. Anya’s birthday last week was a good example. However, my new perspective has still helped. Essentially, I apologized to my body in advance and explained to myself that one meal was not going to kill me, that I did enjoy the tastes of the food, and social atmosphere and supporting Anya. I also spoke to my body, stating that I know I’m capable of eliminating the toxins. I talked myself though reducing the reaction and speeding up the corrective process.

Additionally, I reinforced for myself that I know if I were more in control of the moment I would have chosen an alternate option for the meal, but I was conceding to another’s choice and control because I wanted her to enjoy her birthday- it was her day of honor however she would choose. That was solely due to how much I care for her, and is something I’ve gotten more selective over as well. Not just anyone gets to persuade me to make low vibration food choices anymore.

I also took extra allergy medicine preemptively to help with reducing my experience of the reaction. It all helped, it did not eliminate the reaction, but did significantly improve it in terms of duration and severity.

After the fact, I told myself it’s not a lifestyle that I want to live, so better choices are definitely better. However, it was manageable and I do have the tools and information to make the climb back up the health ladder to vibrate higher again more quickly.

I definitely did not enjoy the aftermath, I did however enjoy the meal itself (sans my son’s antics) and also enjoyed knowing that I accomplished the correction quickly and easily. 1 step backwards, but 2 steps forward this time. That I like as well.

So, my new perspective brought some peace of mind and acknowledgement that I myself am improving and heading toward higher vibrations. I’m allowing me keep up with ME more. That feels really good.

On a side-note update:

My dreams of giving birth and dieing have subsided. Hindsight is ALWAYS 20/20, and I realized it was solely because of the activities job. The last 2 days there I kept telling myself, not my baby anymore, because the trainee had done things in an odd way. I realized that I had given so much of myself to that position that I literally felt like I was losing myself and my baby.

Having cleared the other side, I’m still intact. I’m still me, and I still have my dream of Atira. One day I will discover my solution to build Atira and keep myself healthy and keep my family cared for. For now, I am still helping that surrogate baby by filling in on paperwork and calendar tasks. I still walk away with a much fuller knowledge of the workings of a community that size. I still have improved myself and gained knowledge. Now I can relax a bit and recuperate and heal the damage from the stress and my diet during that period.

I am supported by the universe and I am safe. And twice this week I’ve been told by different sources that Archangel Michael is watching over me to ensure that stays true. I take that validation with a huge Thank You to the Divine. I’m very appreciative that things are still improving and that I have evidence of support from the universe.

Hogwash & fiddlesticks, I want to feel good.

So my last post was pure livid anger, and for good reason. But as I’m learning, that Shit is how I spent 20+ years stuck in a depression loop. So damn it, I want to feel good.

That means I must look for what I like, for things I want, for improvement, for solutions, and for love.

It’s hard to do that when you’re so pissed off.

I’m discovering it’s even hard when you’re simply in constant motion. I’m essentially back to work 7 days a week, and when I get confirmation on hours from the building I do activities for, I’ll probably have a total of 3 days off in September. I make it work, and make the best of it, but transition has been difficult for my mental puzzle again. The result has been that I was gifted 2 illnesses (1 digestive, 1 head cold) from my family, since my vibration has been all over the place. I swear I’ve been sick more since thanksgiving than I had been the previous 5 years, and the only thing that’s changed is my intense desire and efforts to produce more income and higher vibration.

It leaves me acknowledging that my negative lapses are manifesting fairly immediately, and being that they’re small and manageable is a fairly good sign. It means that my positive efforts are building steam, which I already knew from the increase in hours and income, but I suppose validation from both sides of the equation is a good thing, a helpful measure so to speak.

So, my 2 ended train is finally moving in the direction I want, albeit slowly. But if I have learned well enough, it means I just need to keep at it to get some good momentum going.

More practice; practice makes perfect.

That’s a sentiment I’ve proven to myself many times over, especially with music and art.

So, since I’m already tired, super draggy, and stuffy headed, having trouble focusing, I thought I better write since it forces me to focus.

This week (or 2?) started with good validations. At one point I had an epiphany (very personal about my childhood “imaginary” friend) I simply asked mentally that if my thoughts were accurate to show me a green & purple dragon (thinking of the puff the magic dragon song). The next day at work there was a bouquet of green and purple flowers that were placed such as to remind me of a scaly dragon head. They were in a residents’ room and she was reading a “song of Solomon” about where someone’s love had gone. I knew it was my validation instantly and nearly cried telling her she was my message from god. Yet since that day I’ve seen nearly a dozen more green and purple dragons.

One of the last ones: I was drawn to stop at a favorite store of mine, but didn’t know why, seeing as I didn’t have any extra cash available for spending fun. While there I thanked the owner for support she gave years ago when Nathan was ill, she said she needed that, and I knew that was part of my visit, but something else was nagging me. I browsed a bit and ultimately discovered my message:

A Shiva statue priced with my birth year, and my dragon request on a singular box of incense. Next to 2 other incense boxes that were one of a kind. I know because it was such an intense set that I looked through the whole wall of incense to see if someone had just misplaced them. No, no matches were to be found, they were the last ones available.

I simply could not resist and bought the incense, knowing I’ll ultimately have to go back for the statue at some point soon. Resistance is futile. You don’t say no to the universe, but it’ll have to wait until payday.

The point of all of this is, I’m definitely getting messages, and they all feel really good. I like that. I love being validated and feeling supported. My only hiccup is in understanding. As in, I only asked for one dragon, and the first was good enough for me. So why then, give me a dozen more, one of which was the exact thought I had- a green & purple- puff the magic dragon?

Does the quantity and repetition equal someone screaming “yes!” from the other side? And if so, I’d think it would start manifesting, like now. I’m going to tell myself that’s the case and see how things unfold.

I have been feeling intense anticipation for some while now, but have difficulty maintaining focus on just that. It makes me all jittery, and ultimately I end up getting distracted by daily interactions. Yet, I suppose that’s the practice makes perfect element.

So, I think about what I want, and possible ways it could happen, and I do my best to make sense of other messages I see. Like I still want to end up in Colorado with a big dome full of people that love me enough to commit to being family. I know who I’d like that to include, but right now I still don’t have any idea how, and I’m doing my best to ignore roadblocks and deadlines in the way of that. I keep reminding myself that the divine can ultimately solve everything in proper timing, even if 60 days seems like a tight squeeze to me, and there’s probably a dozen options I can’t even fathom.

I think of all the other close calls I’ve had and how everything always worked out. God has my back and always keeps me safe. Usually I’m the one that gets in my own way of that, and this time I intend to be a cooperative element helping things flow smoothly.

To that end I even let myself go down a small ego-trip road with how lucky I am to have multiple people that care about me. People that care and help more than my own blood realitives (exception being my parents). It helps me see my good. I thought about my strengths and good qualities, and admitted that even my weaknesses could be worse. I appreciated myself a bit and acknowledged there’s a reason others care. I like knowing that, it helps me see how to love myself. I am a good person and I will get to do great things for this world yet. Of that I’m certain. I know that I must hang in and keep practicing this, and even if I have a few more muggle based action steps to enable myself to practice allowing, at some point soon I will get good at manifesting exactly what I want.

When I do- watch out, because I could end up being the next Oprah/Ellen. Not saying I want to be on TV, I really don’t, I just like how they inspire others and help so many people. Yeah, I want that part, and can totally skip the being on TV.

So this ended up being rambly and all over the place, probably due to that being sick difficulty focusing thing. I apologize for that, but I’m glad you hung in there with me. If I can climb out of decades of depression, and overcome livid anger in a few days, you can too. May we all make a better world by starting with ourselves. A single drop creates ripples in the whole lake.

Spider web screams to personality traits on the day of “freedom”.

Happy fourth everyone.

My day started with molting in the shower. I’m losing hair at an alarming rate, my one shower created a golf ball sized wad, and my mood is as unstable as ever. Both things happened after Ian’s birth, and I attributed them to the thyroid crash knowing that both are commonly experienced in thyroid malfunction. However this time, even if my thyroid itself is struggling, I have enough medication in my system to override symptoms. So I have no idea why I’m having said symptoms except that it must be postpartum hormones. If only it wasn’t such an ordeal and expense to figure out the exact mechanism at play. For now I’ll continue to muddle through.

Otherwise, my holiday started with a couple of hours of work, fortunately close by. As Nathan always does he walked me out carrying my drinks. He put my drinks in the car via the passenger side, and I walked around the car to get in. As I sat down I found myself directly in the middle of a large spider web and the spider dropped down beside me into the floor-board. I leapt out of the car screaming and brushing my arm and shoulder off. As I told Nathan what happened I found the offensive spider and smashed it. (The biggest reason why I could never commit to Buddhism: I have a rule with spiders that if I can see and reach them they die.)

I exclaimed “Why didn’t you tell me it was there!”. He said he didn’t see it, and I continued with “But you get upset because I assume you can’t see your son’s yogurt splatters on tan carpet!” He then pointed out the irony of sitting in a web, and how spiders are supposed to have a link to communication and messages, like “Charlotte’s Web” (though it goes back much further in history to Native lore). I exclaimed I know, I’ve had proverbial “spiders sitting down beside” me all week. This wasn’t the first, I’m not sure it was even the fifteenth in a little over a week. Only I’m not Miss Muffit or PIG, and I’ve got no idea WTF they’re trying to tell me.

So I left for work with a sigh and adrenaline jitters.

My first bit (massage) went well, and when I showed up for my second stretch (non-massage) I discovered it would be much shorter than expected. So, I passed the shorter time taking a personality test that Hannah had requested. She explained to me that she likes figuring things out like interpersonal relationships and interactions, and sees how Myers-Briggs helps with that. So I willingly obliged.

The result was that I’m an INFJ (-T). After reading all the info about that type, it’s strengths and weaknesses, and how it reacts to stress, I can say I agree it fits me well. There does seem to be a few minor qualities that are not exact, but I tend to feel that way about most labels. They’re mostly accurate, but everyone is still an individual regardless of their labels. Labels are merely guidelines.

As far as INFJ goes for me, I only procrastinate on things assigned to me by others. If it’s my own doing I rarely put it off, but will still exhaust myself to ensure completion. Additionally, I find a bit more balance between emotional response and rationalization than is implied, unless stress is a factor (like my postpartum struggle). However, Overwhelment for me usually only occurs when I feel things are not flowing properly or moving fast enough. Also, I tend to lack tact in giving others my honest opinion, and thus don’t always give their emotional response due diligence. Finally, I have worked very hard over the years to become less introverted and more extroverted, so I tend to fall nearly in the middle on that factor, constantly trying to balance the value of social environments with my need for solitude.

So, all of those elements do play important roles in my personality, but with slight tweaks. Otherwise, yes, everything else I read on INFJ personality type pretty well hits the nail on the head.

….

Hannah had suggested that my quest to fix my brain and emotional outbursts is less about being broken and more about it’s just part of my personality. It seems from what I’ve read she may be right. However, those elements were listed as weaknesses, and isn’t part of our humanity to acknowledge our weaknesses and aim to improve them, even if ever so slightly?

I remember a conversation with Nathan’s Ex’s brother years ago, where we agreed whole heartedly on that sentiment. He believed that humanity as a whole was shifting perceptions by gradually changing things in just that way. Each generation essentially taking baby steps to improve what was perceived as a negative from the previous generation.

For me those are my most negative qualities or weaknesses, those are the less than desirable traits that I learned from my parents. So part of my personality or not, I still aim to improve upon them or fix them. There is no reason my children should have to endure the worst of me to just create another generation of repeat. If I can improve enough, then I can break at least one negative cycle, and enable my children to experience better states of being. That’s my goal, and if I can figure out something that then helps others along the way then I’ve really won my own battle, regardless of how treacherous the journey was. Because I really do reach for helping the world be a better place for everyone, not just me, not just my family. I do intensely desire to help makes the world a better place.

Because, for me that is true freedom. To be able to create a new and better world to live in and enable our children to do the same. That is freedom.

Freedom is not a government making rules to turn around and change their minds every couple of years. Freedom is not inflated egos telling others what to do and yelling “because I said so and I can”, and then getting defensive over negative reactions…

Freedom is the right to choose, To choose better, To choose improvement, and to allow others to do the same whether you agree with their choices or not. I celebrate true freedom on this fourth, and mark another notch on my path to my own freedom.

May you all have a moment of recognition of that on this fourth.