Tag Archives: choices

And so it begins…

HAL has begun sending me things to reinforce my last post. One of which is the following:

How to Move On: What It Really Means to Let Go: https://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-move-on-from-the-past-what-it-really-means-to-let-go/

I guess I will never understand fully because letting go and focusing on love seem to be the bigger message. I still wish I had some understanding.

Anyways, in moving on, I had a really good time today with 2 different co-workers during downtime.

I took a walk with the office manager and we had a really great conversation, with some much needed emotional release for both of us. Plus it helped me reach my step goals today. I was very appreciative of that time all around.

I also got to play a couple of games of “Magic the Gathering” with the one chiropractor. It’s a game I used to play with the brother that’s closest to me in age. It has been …. let’s see…. since early 2003 that I’ve played. That’s 16, almost 17, years. Wow!

I still have my cards from back then, but so much has changed that the new decks are much better, so he has been encouraging me to use his. I feel like I’m starting from scratch and completely relearning everything. It’s so fun though. I totally lost big time- on both games, but still enjoyed every bit of it.

I am so out of practice that the strategy feels over my head yet, but I get the concept. The layering of steps and which cards work better in what order can be very complex. I literally had a card in my hand that I’d been holding for several turns, but forgot to leave myself enough mana(land) to use it and it cost me the one game.

I enjoy learning so much though, and it is definitely a fun kind of learning, so it literally made me giddy at one point. I felt like I got silly hyper with the fun. That was a very much needed distraction from my previous focus.

As for learning: I’m still working on hindi and telegu in my spare time, but since I have no idea why God nudged me to do so (especially since I’m letting go of that person) , it’s at a very relaxed pace. I’m getting to where in hindi I can pick out letters and sound out words even though I know very few translations. Telegu I know more translations, but have fewer of the characters memorized. It’s merely a symptom of the different apps and how they teach languages. I like Duolingo and Drops, which both offer hindi, but neither offer telegu. The telegu apps are much less sophisticated, but still get the job done.

I’ve also begun the slow tedious process of becoming an approved continuing education provider for massage therapy. Essentially, the easy part is proving my qualifications to teach a handful of courses by documenting I have so many years working using said techniques, I also have a bachelor’s degree, which though they would prefer it to be related (a BS), it doesn’t hurt. Once I do that easy step, I literally have to follow rules and write my own curriculum which can be no more than 30% cited source material. Finally, once I’ve written everything, I can apply by submitting my CV and courses for approval; of course paying the appropriate exorbitant fees. They really try to dissuade people from becoming providers: can’t have too many teachers and too few students you know!

I’m not intimidated by the process in the least. Their basic calculation is 1200 words equals a credit unit. That’s a blog post for me, so I’m guessing I’ll have more trouble pairing down or figuring out how to subdivide my topics for multiple related courses. However, after having written the operations manual for my previous position, I’m certain I’m up to the task. It’s more about convincing myself to do the free work knowing that eventually I’ll recoup the benefit in paid courses with students in multiplicity.

I’m also contemplating the investment of a site where I can host web-based courses. Essentially, the text/testing coursework can be provided via web interface without practical hands on CE hours. Ultimately that helps spread the information side, but the CMT loses access to the extra CE’s for the hands on practicals. It’s a lower cost solution for both parties, but longterm it would benefit me as the provider more. It’s a huge up front investment, to also have to market like crazy, but longterm reaping significantly higher benefits. Ultimately, it will happen, but I’m not sure I’m ready for the investment side just yet. I’ll contemplate web platforms and do the math several times during my writing phase of this momentous step, and make my final decision during the application process.

Long story short, I’m having fun and learning and inching toward another significant step of improvement. All by my not-so-little own self. I feel like screaming “HA, Take That World!”… but alas I know no one would really truly care anyway. So, I’ll keep my ‘I win’ moment to myself, and relish that I know I’m the only one that gets credit for digging myself out of a decade of hardship…. me and God that is.

May you all have happy dances of overcoming obstacles. May you find kindness around you and moments of connection with others. May you find joy in continually learning and ways to share what you’ve already mastered. May you see God’s grace and support guiding you through all of life’s moments toward brighter futures.

Siva Hir Su

Ripening

I can feel it in the air tonight.

A storm is rolling in, my children are having expansive moments, and I’m fuzzy around the edges: not quite thinking 100% clearly being tired from 12 days of work. I have one day of work to go and beyond being very ready for my day off, I’m aware of a sense of something other than a storm approaching.

In the past, these moments have carried anxiety or a sense of something more intense. At times I’ve used the words: anticipating impending doom. Tonight is different, more reserved, more subtle.

I had a moment of grief at dinner over my probably never coming back SJ. I cried and told Nathan that a heart never forgets having fallen in love. His consolation was that at least I gave the love freely and that has to mean something. He thinks that the divine will send an even better replacement, but I know even the best replacement will not have the exact same feel. That is something I’m just working on coming to terms with.

Ultimately, if there is such an energetic connection and honesty, I’ll likely move on just fine in time. It just seems like this one is taking me a long time to get over.

I told Nathan it all leaves me feeling like boys are dense, and perhaps my attention should be on girls again/for once. But the only girls I’ve caught in my sights are clients (a huge ethical no-no I’m unwilling to break) or already married and most likely monogamous at that. So being I’m still not on social media and not desiring to be on any dating sites of any kind, it seems I’ll have to wait for the universe to send me a girl. God knows what my preferences are, as evidence by the other things I’ve been provided in alignment with my previous asking. So there will eventually be an obvious answer, I must just continue to have patience.

For now, I work on friendship: with existing friends and new work acquaintances. It’s easier and more relaxed anyways, except for my damn schedule being so inconvenient. Plus, I can be a little lazy on friends and fit time for them in as I feel up to it.

It also means I can prioritize me better as well. Sunday being my day off, I will assemble what I have so far of my new computer for graphic design. I’ll get sketch-up and some other software installed to be able to start my images for Atira. Eventually, I will be able to get a pen mouse for detailed work, I look forward to that. In the meantime, I also plan to make some edits to the format of my blog here in WordPress. I’ve hit some pretty exciting milestones at 350 posts over the last 4 years. I feel like my journey needs honoured, so I am going to reflect that in adding to my blog layout. I make no promises as to how long it will take me to do all this computer work, since this week has been so full I barely managed to post at all, but it’s still a short term goal for me.

Wish me well, and if you’re a regular reader, I’d love some feedback/comments or even suggestions.

Be well. May you have rest and relaxation. May you enjoy time off doing things you like/love. May you have easy to accomplish, feel good, goals. And as I’ve often said: may you find all of the love you seek.

Siva Hir Su

My Polyamory

I have intentionally not written much on this topic because about a year ago I went and posted a bunch of links and good info from other sites. There are so many aspects to look at and perspectives to consider that it is all just too much for me to even attempt.

However, Nathan suggested that I write at least once on my experiences and opinions on the matter. So, I’m taking his advice.

First and foremost Polyamory is many loves, a plural relationship based in a foundation of love.

From the view of a successful balanced poly family, I’ve not had much luck, at least in maintaining such a plural commitment. However, I have had lots of fine tuning and reevaluating, which Abraham says is always a good thing. I’m going to agree.

Nathan and I used to be, what gets labeled “Unicorn Hunters” by more forceful poly opinions. We were ‘significant-others’ seeking a single bisexual female to balance my bisexuality. After several failed attempts to find our good fit, we relaxed into accepting that our perfect woman might come attached to another person. It might also happen that we find several people to meet both mine and Nathan’s needs and desires.

Our hesitation with accepting the concept of multiples, initially was brought on mainly by fearful thoughts of: how do you get multiple adults on the same page and keep them in agreement and in cooperation. Especially regarding children in the family, rules of behavior, setting expectations, and even logistics of cleaning and cooking. However, at this point in our marriage we have come to the conclusion that those are challenges any relationship faces regardless if there are 2 or 12 people. We also now have lots of experience dealing with each other and multiple attempts at significant-other additions. We’ve also come to conclusions that some things are easier if approached like companies handle staffing: creating schedules and assignments of tasks, which can always be adjusted and changed as needed.

So at this point we’re much more open to alternate options and arrangements for our family structure, and have a better grasp of the interpersonal needs that entails. Our main goal now is that a variety of needs and desires are met, and that all adults act like adults and remain considerate of the family as a whole when making significant decisions. If those decisions are likely to impact the family in a huge way (move, replace belongings, or decisions regarding educational or medical concerns) then the family should be consulted with a proposal before final decisions are made.

Informed consent is a mainstay of poly whether it’s in regards to sex, reproduction, or any familial life event. Furthermore, informed consent requires a certain level of communication skills. You may have a great idea, but if you can’t make your case well to those involved it’s likely to fall flat.

So those elements have become our biggest priorities.

Beyond that, previous relationships ended due to factors involving but not limited to: personality clashes, instability due to processing previous traumas, and a lack of commitment by one or multiple parties. So we have simplified our request to the Divine that: future partners have their own stuff figured out at least well enough to cause only more minor bumps, previous severe traumas have been healed likewise, and that all parties be willing to commit enough to work through remaining glitches. All relationships have bumps, bruises, and fights, but it’s the severity and willingness to work through them that enable the relationship to last. Everyone coming together to learn and grow and heal, leads to happy long lasting family.

Acceptance of our humanness, and unconditional love allows for infinite growth. To me that means that I might get mad or frustrated with someone, but as long as I can refocus and remember we’re all human and that I do love them, then I can work through the upset to find a solution. That is the place of understanding that I aim for everyone in my family to hold.

There are also factors like honesty, openness, truthfulness, cooperative attitudes, and open mindedness which would be very important.

Finally, I wish to add compromise. A mainstay of finding solutions is learning how to compromise. There is almost always an answer that everyone can live with. It may not be perfect in everyone’s opinion, but gets the job done. Finding those compromises is paramount to maintaining family cohesion, and adults wishing to be in my family need to demonstrate an ability to compromise.

In conclusion, my ideal of Polyamory has evolved over the last 15 years to be less about the fine details and more about overarching qualities that I wish for people to exhibit.

Not to be too cliche, but can’t we all just get along, and all you need is love, would be the more concise mentality.

May you all find your family based in love and acceptance, but which committedly works through compromise to ensure everyone just gets along.

With love, be well. Siva Hir Su.

A Brief Exposé

Preface:

I’m going to intention to be somewhat vague here. I’ve noticed overlapping patterns in my manifestations and resulting interactions with others. I intend for this post to apply to as many of those overlapping situations as possible.

First and foremost:

“Don’t think about all those things you fear, just be glad to be here.” ~ “Hayling” by FC Kahuna

I have come to rest for the moment in a place of acceptance of myself as I stand. I’m seeing my power and abilities and yet evaluating whether I wish to push the envelope or just allow myself to be for a bit.

I woke hurting this morning, a combination of allergic reactions from Anya’s birthday celebration, and physical fatigue from having done a dozen very-deep tissues this week. Yet I managed to push through and find genuine gratitude that at least I’m feeling it.

There are people living in this world that are unable to feel their arms and legs and would appreciate the discomfort of my aches this morning.

That acknowledgement in combination with something that crossed my path yesterday led me to a realization that I had attracted myself an onslaught of people unwilling to express their gratitude for me in any meaningful way. I literally saw how several people in my recent history (last 5 years) probably did care on some level, but convinced themselves for whatever reasons that they could not align with the action or resources which they knew would convey that most effectively. As a result I’ve parted and chosen to move on the best way I can, but lingering hurts cross my mind on occasion.

So here I sit feeling confident in my current endeavors and abilities, a new fuller knowing of myself, but slightly hesitating. Knowing that as I move forward I wish to attract people and experiences that honor myself better.

That means I must start by honoring myself better.

You see, the Law of Attraction is just that.

Like attracts like.

I could not have attracted those people and experiences if I had not held myself in that particular alignment.

Extrapolation:

“Some of them want to use you, some of them want to be used by you. Some of them want to abuse you, some of them want to be abused.” ~ “Sweet Dreams” by Eurythmics

I have been abused in my lifetime. Repeatedly in fact, and in multiple ways: physically, mentally, and emotionally. In turn my abused mind and body, unable to handle the hurts, reflected them back at those in my experience. I became the abuser. Not as severe as my abusers were, but abuse I delivered none-the-less. I knew in my heart I could not let that continue and prayed for help to change myself. I prayed that I might be forgiven for my indescrections. My least desire of anything in this world is to be abuser or abused.

I have been used in less abusive ways. Simply being an employee is, in a way, being used. However, because of my history with abuse, many of my being-used situations reflect a similar negative consequence. I see that my dream of Atira would in a way require that I use others. However, it is my prayer that I find a balance where I can utilize others in the best way possible, and while honoring their gifts as best as I am able. I want my having to experience the flip side to be full of as many positive consequences as possible. That means if I am to have employees I wish to compensate them properly. That means if I’m to utilize volunteers I wish to honor them fully and treat them accordingly. I want to teach people that honoring each other and ourselves is a way of honoring God.

Despite being one of my favorite songs, what “Sweet Dreams” fails to sing about is all of the other options.

I wish to love and be loved.

I wish to honor and be honored.

I wish to serve and be served in the name of God.

I wish to respect and be respected.

I wish to care and be cared for.

I wish to share and be shared with.

I wish for intellectual and emotional equals to experience this give take world with as partners and companions. Where we can all reach for better.

Full-Circle:

“I wished for you too.” ~ Practical Magic

I attracted you, with my attention to my desires and my sloppy habits stemming from hurt. My mixed bag brought you into my experience.

Yet, you must admit that you are equally responsible. You aligned in the exact same manner. You focused on your desires, but missed your sloppiness from your past.

You see we are equals, carrying the same level of blame.

I suspect you felt that you were better than I. That you could manifest things better, or that you were smarter than I, more connected, more esteemed or somehow more gifted. In your hubris you aligned yourself with idiocy and in a way became the abuser.

Your lack of humility, your inability to reach for better took us out of alignment.

You see, I seek those willing to admit we’re all equals here on this Earth stumbling through and learning how to reach for better and improve ourselves. Those willing to move mankind toward a brighter future. Those willing to take responsibility for their actions, offer apologies when necessary, and reach for honoring themselves and others better. I acknowledge that none are perfect, yet in our imperfection lies our greatest gifts.

I know you saw my intelligence, my strength, my reserve, my determination, my extra large size, as well as my extra large energy. You saw my fortitude, my resolve, my ability to endure and persevere. You saw my gifts and talents and my inner beauty.

Yet, your sloppy habits brought to your attention my strangeness, my unique views and my very unorthodox beliefs and unconventional ways. I pushed your comfort zone and set a high bar. I challenged you in ways you obviously were unable to handle, which took us further out of alignment.

So now I can revise what I want, need, and desire.

I seek someone with equal intelligence, strength, reserve, determination, and energy. Someone with fortitude, resolve, ability to endure and persevere. Someone with gifts and talents and inner beauty. Yet someone humble enough to acknowledge that all of that exists in me and many others as well. Someone open minded enough to handle my strangeness, my unique views and my very unorthodox beliefs and unconventional ways. Someone willing to allow themselves to grow through experiencing me fully. Someone able to have constructive conversations even when beliefs diverge. Someone able to convey their preferences while still exploring the unknown or perceived contrasting experiences. I seek someone willing to love and be loved. Someone to honor and be honored. Someone willing to serve and be served in the name of God. Someone willing and able to respect everyone and in turn be respected, to care and be cared for. Someone able to share and be shared with.

I need for those someones to be able to take responsibility and share their gifts to commit to not just my family, but to building Atira. You see, I don’t just need money for Atira, I need people, hands, help, specific knowledge that I would rather utilize in others than begin to learn myself. Atira will fare far better, actually become a success, if there is a group, a poly family, willing to share the work load. I seek those people.

I have thought about each person that had previously aligned and subsequently misaligned with me. If further alignment was genuine, accompanied by equally genuine apologies, and foreseeably maintainable, then I could potentially welcome them back.

At the moment I have no evidence to the possibility of that, and suggestions, mere hearsay, to the contrary. Yet, I’m going to leave room that it might be possible. However, I’m not going to hold my breath, because I know the universe will provide what I desire regardless. It has so far, I was just sloppy about maintaining my alignment, and THAT is where I know I can and will do better.

May all of my readers take this to heart and find and maintain their alignment. May you all have those in your life that honor, respect and love you for being you. May you heal your hurts and move on successfully. May you find a way to make your dreams happen.

Victory and insights.

So the victory is my midwife is paid in full!!!! Yay! Happy dance and squeals of delight.

I even have a little bit saved for the trip to Acadia National Park in Maine the end of July. At this rate I think I’ll have enough to make the trip. It might be tight, but I can’t say no to free lodging, a beautiful experience, and visiting family I’ve not seen in nearly a decade.

That is wonderful relief.

On an entirely different topic, the insights came yesterday at a mandatory meeting our building had with the President and Vice President of our company. I have to say meeting them was far more comfortable than daily working tends to be. Everyone around me was running around stressing and I just wasn’t. I don’t know why in particular but it felt very comfortable and I even had a good albeit short conversation with the President.

He seems like a genuinely good guy, and the biggest take away from the meeting was that the owners are also good people.

It led to a long conversation with our pastor afterwards. We discussed how a company gets to where they have such genuinely good goals and set out to do good deeds, but end up having staffing and budget issues as I’ve seen. How the low people on the totem essentially still boil down to numbers. And how those ideals fail to carry through to all of the individuals in the organization.

It helped me gain some more clarity on my goals of Atira. The pastor used the phrasing that perhaps a company gets too large to fully understand all of the individual workings and really know it’s people. That the connections that express a person’s value are lost. That sentiment reinforced prior ideas I’d had that Atira should be a singular community. It could spawn franchisee opportunities or literally just help people learn how to start their own communities, but I really don’t want a company of mine to grow so large that the company itself begins to lose sight of it’s intent.

I want Atira to stay manageable so that I know for sure it is helping people both within and outside of it’s structure. I want to know that if all the individuals understand that, the better it functions and the more they can make happen in their lives and in the lives of others.

For instance: I know I want to give homeless people second chances by putting them to work- training and all, but I also acknowledge that minimum wage being just over $7 is highly unrealistic with the inflation we’ve had the last 20 years. I want Atira to be able to sustain realistic living wages for all of it’s staff members, and those with experience and drive do deserve to earn more.

Yet, I acknowledge that in order for there to be profits to divert for other charitable uses, there does have to be positive flow of goods and services being exchanged for properly set fees.

It is definitely a tricky balancing act, and one that though I now can see my employer aimed for, either did not reach or was unable to maintain. I want Atira to reach and maintain it.

Beyond that, yesterday’s conversations and interactions solidified that I have done very well for myself with much less effort than some. I pointed out to the President that I had only ever paid for two boxes of business cards and never did pamphlets or other costly marketing.

I left Facebook nonsense out of that conversation knowing that I had already gotten their attention over that. However, in talking to the pastor I did revisit it. Explaining that I have yet to see any benefit from Facebook, also knowing over 2 dozen people that have tried to use it for marketing. Most of those, myself included had far too negative cost-benefit imbalances in Facebook marketing. Offering up hundreds of free services or visits to get a pittance of mediocre to decent client base. It simply just never netted the good reliable clients that massage therapists, chiropractors, and other care providers survive by.

I count myself fortunate to have seen that pattern and ducked out before giving away too many hours of my life, my work, and my hands, to those that are ungratefully taking advantage of the freebie.

That is not to say I never give away services. In fact to this day I still do. However, I’m much more discerning in my free work. I give to those that truly value it, but otherwise might not be able to afford it. I also give away a fair number of massages to veterans, even those that can afford it. That is where I choose to give, and when someone shows their gratitude in the best way they know or have available, I’m more likely to give them repeat free services. I have one veteran that I bill for about every 4th massage, knowing he’s on a tight budget but that he sings my praises nearly daily. So essentially I do my best to catch him weekly and bill just one a month. That is my avenue for flowing charity for God. It is what I can do right now, so I do.

And besides, not dealing with Facebook took a huge stress off of me. No longer having to consider finding or creating good stock photography, and reducing my concerns of protecting people’s information and privacy. As a sole proprietor HIPAA is a potentially life threatening costly mistake waiting to happen, so I’m glad I stepped away from Facebook when I did.

Anyway, I’m utterly grateful for the whole lot, midwife being paid, meeting upper management, learning more about the company, and especially both the conversation with the President and our pastor.

Another thank you to the Divine for providing more clarity in my days and helping to continually redefine and become more specific with my desires and goals. I truly look forward to brighter days ahead.

Relaxing into clarity.

Yesterday I hit an exhausted wall again. Cancelled most, but not all, of my massage work today. That is an expensive habit I need to break, even if it has only been once a month.

You see as an employee I’m faced with the corporation’s rules:

  • Too many sick days and there’s penalty.
  • Overtime equals penalty.
  • Too many penalties and you get fired.

Yet the “reality” is I am working 7 days a week. 5 for them and 2 as myself. It also holds knowledge that I made $4 more last year in the job than in the self-employed work- way more hours for the same pay.

The reality is that their full-time 40-hour-a-week job has unrealistic expectations. There’s simply too much to be done to fit into 40 hours, but not enough to justify hiring an additional employee. So rules being what they are I’ve been electing to work off the clock averaging 2 to 5 hours a week of unpaid overtime, and that’s with efforts I’ve made to make certain duties more efficient.

I’d hate to see what the average Joe would need, and it has made even clearer why they keep going through activities directors like candy. Because like myself they’ve all probably hit the this-isn’t-worth-it-wall and quit caring which ultimately led to unfulfilled job duties and getting themselves canned. Unfortunately, even though I’m seeing the clarity, my work ethic demands I stick to what I’ve already done, until I find a better solution.

I’m literally putting in 70 hours a week between both sources of income, sometimes more.

So today I worked less to take care of myself. In fact I’m writing this from my post cupping, Epsom salt bath.

Thought you might prefer to not see all of me naked 🤣, but I’m loving that technology has allowed this moment.

Anyway, sunshine, cupping, massage, good healthy food, CBD oil, and a peppermint/eucalyptus Epsom bath- I’m starting to feel revived. I might actually be able to accomplish some tax prep before bed.

In the meantime, whilst I soak, I’m going to breakdown the opposites I’d prefer to experience.

  • Ballance between work life and home/social life.
  • Quality time with my children (wanting to play in the sandbox with Ian and go for walks outside again, now that the weather is improving).
  • I’d love to get paid above the real, current, highly inflated, cost-of-living for doing a 40 hour week. Less hours, more pay. I feel I’m worth it. I’m intelligent, hard working, detail oriented, and do go the extra mile when it’s called for (it shouldn’t be a daily expectation at low wages like it currently is).
  • Legally, I’m due to be paid for overtime when it’s necessary without penalty. Companies should acknowledge that if they are choosing to have fewer employees than workload dictates, they are to pay accordingly, or adjust the workload. In this particular case there are 3 people with time available to help. 2 of which are computer illiterate (as far as many of my duties are concerned) and the 3rd is one of “the mean girls” above me in rank. That is the additional clarity of why I just work off the clock, instead of attempting to shift workload elsewhere. They are simply either not able or willing to help in a genuine caring manner.
  • I wish to work with people willing to go the extra mile and be supportive of each other, but in an environment that tests it less frequently. Lower stress environment.
  • I prefer to work with people that are more open, accepting, and understanding. We all have oddities, quirks, and strange habits or mannerisms, just because someone else’s might bother you doesn’t make it right to mock them.
  • I enjoy being around friendly people.
  • I enjoy being appreciated.
  • I am grateful I leave lasting positive impacts on the people and places I’ve worked with.
  • I enjoy the feeling of belonging one gets in a tight knit community.
  • I enjoy being around people of all ages and all backgrounds. It is more interesting and brings more ideas to the table, the “compromise-challenge” is worth it.
  • I prefer to live the sentiment Summer Osborne addressed in her TED talk. (see here)
  • I would love to have genuinely good insurance that covered providers of my choice, even home birth, chiropractic, acupuncture, and massage. That is truly progressive and preventative medicine.
  • I would love to have my dome home and an electric vehicle.
  • I think I would really enjoy being on the providing side of these sentiments through owning my own community- my dream of Atira gets clearer with every day I’m alive.
  • I look forward to a day when I know my efforts help produce profits that go to good charitable causes instead of investors bank accounts.
  • I look forward to having a hand in those charities as well; a way to make a greater and even more positive and lasting impact.
  • I look forward to easier times ahead for me and my family.
  • I look forward to being able to take vacations occasionally with enough budget to do so easily and comfortably. Even once a year would be grand.
  • I look forward to experiencing the cafe and bistro I’ve dreamed of where I can walk in knowing there are multiple truly healthy and truly tasty options to choose from.
  • I look forward to being able to stay home on messy winter days and being able to take full advantage of those perfect sunny days, even if it’s just a walk in the park.
  • I look forward to being able to release my CDL comfortably knowing I no longer need to keep it as a backup plan, let alone my source of income. There are plenty of people that love driving more than I do.
  • I look forward to having a great playground in my close knit community…. And a dog park… And trails… Mmmm good.
  • I look forward to manifesting greater good in this world for God. I choose the archetypes Shiva (Zeus/Poseidon), Kali (Hera/Brighid), Ganesh (Hermes/Mercury), etc., because they resonate with me and I have such a layered understanding of God’s aspects. Regardless, we are here to further manifest on behalf of God. We are conduit for the Divine to produce more, and I acknowledge the weight of that willingly. I choose to do better, to strive for better, and to leave a positive mark on this world. Part of me wishes everyone had that same intense desire, and on some level we all do, but I acknowledge some are simply not able to accomplish what I am reaching for. I hope that I am able to accomplish what I am reaching for.

With that, my bath is cold and I am going to reach for tax progress with the remainder of my evening. Adeau and Happy St. Pat’s day if I don’t get a chance to write again before then. Blessings everyone.

Already on the bus.

So I’ve finished reading “The Energy Bus” and realize now that I’ve already gotten my bus going. It’s been a slow start, bumpy ride, with a few breakdowns already, but my bus is generally pointed the right direction and moving.

Really I’ve been driving my bus for a while, but just need more focus and helpful passengers

I have my committed passengers, in for the full ride- my family by marriage and by giving birth.

I have my semi-committed or part time riders, people in my daily and work life that are generally as helpful as they can be, but can’t necessarily stay for the whole ride. Sometimes they’re on and sometimes they’re busy on their own bus.

I have at least one passenger, maybe 2 or 3 that I’m hoping are like the character Michael. Where they removed themselves, but ultimately come around, and end up finding themselves wanting to make positive changes too, and join my bus again. That would be nice, not just for my bus, but for them- their state of being- and because it will validate messages I got what seems like forever ago. May we all master only feeding the good dog.

So far I’ve already ejected a few of what was termed “Energy Vampires” from my bus, and there’s one big one that needs to go yet. Fortunately, those from my biological family have mostly removed themselves from my life, so that’s one less hurdle.

With all that being said, this book leaves me acknowledging I have steps to go yet.

I have used this blog to write about Atira many times, but it’s scattered through multiple posts and partial posts, and I’m not sure I’ve ever reinforced the entirety of the complexity of that to those on board my bus, even if part time. I think it would help to get more concise with my desires, vision, and focus so that there is one document I can reference. Maybe even to give them copies.

I still have a ways to go to ensure I’m only feeding the good dog, and fueling my bus with positive energy. I have the basic idea, but have some practicing to do to maintain it, because I do let fear and stress get the better of me frequently.

Also, I totally spend too much time worrying about people that don’t get on my bus. I will get better at acknowledging maybe it’s too soon for them or they have other reasons for not joining my route. It’s not personal to me, it’s personal for them and their journey.

Additionally, I still have a ways to go on demonstrating my own enthusiasm and love. I already do both, but often allow myself to be easily deflated, especially when my efforts go unnoticed, unacknowledged, or unresponded to. Then once I’ve been deflated, I definitely still struggle to get back up and give another go.

I also need to find my purpose in everything better. It’s easy for me when what I’m doing is part of my vision for Atira, but much much harder when my task-at-hand is seemingly unrelated. That is evidence of not fully knowing that “everything happens for a reason”. I must trust more and find how everything relates. How does what I’m doing fit with my journey and fuel my bus.

Lastly, a huge must: start having more fun and enjoying the ride more. It’s not that I don’t at all, but I really succumb to stress easily. I’m latching onto the books’ phrase “you can’t feel stressed when you feel blessed”. That is my biggest new goal. To be “too blessed to be stressed”.

With that I wanted to share the list of rules the book went over:

And finally, I wanted to share an Abraham Lincoln quote (below) from the book that really resonated with me. My life journey fine-tuned to that direction after the online stranger woke my dreams up in me. I realized I may fail, I may never actually get there, but giving up all together- ignoring who I’ve become- is far worse than failing. I must remain true to who I am and where I’d like to go, if I’m to ever find consistent happiness and have any chance at all of possibly making it there. I want my light to shine bright from here until my dieing days.

Again, thank you for hanging in with me and joining at least the written part of my ride. I sincerely hope you benefit from my words in one way or another.

“You can’t give up on your dreams.” -Abraham

I thought I had, until an online stranger woke them up in me, and I simply can’t forget now.

NOW Abraham’s words echo in my brain repeatedly.

The last 2 and a half years has been a strange journey, thinking I was headed one way, but now feeling like it was all a giant cosmic ruse to create an about-face in my life.

My priorities have changed, my choices have begun to reflect that. I question everything, I’m constantly analyzing my thoughts and motives, even my interactions with others are being picked apart by my psyche.

I’m now doubting my doubts, questioning how I ever let myself get to the place of giving up on everything…. How did I end up in survival mode, struggling to get by and keep my little family intact? I’m not sure that I have answers, but the path has led me to realize how insanely disconnected I’d become, and so unintentionally in the process.

I love my husband, and my family, and they were always supposed to be part of my dreams. I believe they still are, but I’d lost sight of the truly important parts of those dreams. Now I’m not sure if I can make up for the lapses and get us all back on track.

For now I’m doing my best to get myself back on track. …

After baby, I’ve done better with health concerns than after Ian. Except for significant hair loss, and a couple of bad weeks the first postpartum month, I’m really doing quite well compared to after Ian.

Milk supply is still a struggle, but I’ve tackled it with every possible helpful tool. I’m literally doing the best I can, and I’ve somewhat come to terms with the realization that my family’s genetics is probably the reason that formula was ever developed. In fact I’m rather baffled at how my family even passed thru the ages until formula even existed. I’m utilizing multiple modern tools that didn’t exist 40 years ago, let alone before modern medicine and manufacturing. I guess we got through somehow, most likely with some very malnourished babies (at least until teeth emerged).

With that being said, not only is baby walking, but she’s teething in a big way, and already showing great interest in food. I’ve cautiously given her tiny nibbles and mushy foods to taste and it’s only encouraged her. I suspect she’s going to be ready to eat consistently before I am ready to be feeding her.

So, that in addition to everything else, I continually work on finding thought alignment in being the best mom I can be. Diligently working on being helpful with regards to assisting baby in finding her most preferred choices. Only source knows how well I’m doing.

So then I work on finding my alignment even more. Give, take, back and forth.

I’m back to work, knowing it helps me mentally with variety and also with feeling more secure financially. However, I know that I still struggle with getting overwhelmed and wanting to see similar support in my family. A desire to share the burden is essentially at the heart of it all. More alignment to find, attempts to see the support from the divine and let go of others needing to fill that role. It’s a hard one.

Yet I do find gratitude that I have ample work to be had. Every time I seek more hours, there is plenty to be found. My reputation proceeds me, and I always have choices. People trust me and know I will do a job well done. It is merely about how much can I handle and what I’m willing to take on. For now it seems I’m back to 10 to 12 hour days, 4 days a week, with a smattering of work the other 3. It’s OK for the moment.

I’d rather have financial flow that doesn’t take my direct labor, but some financial flow is better than none. So since I know my work will produce money, but have difficulty believing it can come other ways, I’ll stick to doing what I know works for the moment and work on believing the alternate as I manually produce some.

Finally, is that stranger that stirred all this up. I’ve not been able to forget about him, but I’ve come to a comfortable point of knowing that it’s out of my hands. It’s up to him and god as to whether it ever amounts to more or not. So, essentially, I occasionally send a singular message to acknowledge he’s on my mind- just in case he cares, but I’ve kept it as passive as I am able. I want him to know I do still care, but I’m doing my best to keep it as open and free of expectations as possible. I would love to hear from him again, but I’m feeling like he’s made a particular set of decisions that discourages it from his perspective. It seems my paradigm was just too much to mesh with his. We were not in mutuality on enough concepts to belong together.

It’s just that to this day, I don’t understand why the divine would show me things, let me feel things, to have it not manifest anything. I’ve never, ever, had that happen. Every time I’ve ever been shown things, they’ve come to pass. A few of them took a really long time (2nd-baby visions were nearly a decade ago, & visions about Nathan took nearly 3 years to manifest fully). So, then my brain wants to tell me this is another really long time situation, but shortly after that the damn DOUBT over being cut off sneaks in. I’ve yet to figure out a way around that one. It’s hard to convince yourself someone is going to be in your life when they refuse to respond to any messages. So for now I’m just giving into the possibility that I have no real clue. I could have been wrong, my visions could be a completely different person, and they could have merely been symbolic. There’s a first time for everything, and I know what I felt was validation that I was getting AVI from god, but it doesn’t mean I translated it correctly. I relinquish that eventually, maybe years from now, maybe after I’m dead, I’ll have a full understanding. For now I wait, as patiently as possible, accepting that I’ve got enough for now, and I’m eager for more good things to come in proper time.

Be well, may you find your doubtless thoughts and good manifestations. May we all be eager for more good in all of our lives.

Spider web screams to personality traits on the day of “freedom”.

Happy fourth everyone.

My day started with molting in the shower. I’m losing hair at an alarming rate, my one shower created a golf ball sized wad, and my mood is as unstable as ever. Both things happened after Ian’s birth, and I attributed them to the thyroid crash knowing that both are commonly experienced in thyroid malfunction. However this time, even if my thyroid itself is struggling, I have enough medication in my system to override symptoms. So I have no idea why I’m having said symptoms except that it must be postpartum hormones. If only it wasn’t such an ordeal and expense to figure out the exact mechanism at play. For now I’ll continue to muddle through.

Otherwise, my holiday started with a couple of hours of work, fortunately close by. As Nathan always does he walked me out carrying my drinks. He put my drinks in the car via the passenger side, and I walked around the car to get in. As I sat down I found myself directly in the middle of a large spider web and the spider dropped down beside me into the floor-board. I leapt out of the car screaming and brushing my arm and shoulder off. As I told Nathan what happened I found the offensive spider and smashed it. (The biggest reason why I could never commit to Buddhism: I have a rule with spiders that if I can see and reach them they die.)

I exclaimed “Why didn’t you tell me it was there!”. He said he didn’t see it, and I continued with “But you get upset because I assume you can’t see your son’s yogurt splatters on tan carpet!” He then pointed out the irony of sitting in a web, and how spiders are supposed to have a link to communication and messages, like “Charlotte’s Web” (though it goes back much further in history to Native lore). I exclaimed I know, I’ve had proverbial “spiders sitting down beside” me all week. This wasn’t the first, I’m not sure it was even the fifteenth in a little over a week. Only I’m not Miss Muffit or PIG, and I’ve got no idea WTF they’re trying to tell me.

So I left for work with a sigh and adrenaline jitters.

My first bit (massage) went well, and when I showed up for my second stretch (non-massage) I discovered it would be much shorter than expected. So, I passed the shorter time taking a personality test that Hannah had requested. She explained to me that she likes figuring things out like interpersonal relationships and interactions, and sees how Myers-Briggs helps with that. So I willingly obliged.

The result was that I’m an INFJ (-T). After reading all the info about that type, it’s strengths and weaknesses, and how it reacts to stress, I can say I agree it fits me well. There does seem to be a few minor qualities that are not exact, but I tend to feel that way about most labels. They’re mostly accurate, but everyone is still an individual regardless of their labels. Labels are merely guidelines.

As far as INFJ goes for me, I only procrastinate on things assigned to me by others. If it’s my own doing I rarely put it off, but will still exhaust myself to ensure completion. Additionally, I find a bit more balance between emotional response and rationalization than is implied, unless stress is a factor (like my postpartum struggle). However, Overwhelment for me usually only occurs when I feel things are not flowing properly or moving fast enough. Also, I tend to lack tact in giving others my honest opinion, and thus don’t always give their emotional response due diligence. Finally, I have worked very hard over the years to become less introverted and more extroverted, so I tend to fall nearly in the middle on that factor, constantly trying to balance the value of social environments with my need for solitude.

So, all of those elements do play important roles in my personality, but with slight tweaks. Otherwise, yes, everything else I read on INFJ personality type pretty well hits the nail on the head.

….

Hannah had suggested that my quest to fix my brain and emotional outbursts is less about being broken and more about it’s just part of my personality. It seems from what I’ve read she may be right. However, those elements were listed as weaknesses, and isn’t part of our humanity to acknowledge our weaknesses and aim to improve them, even if ever so slightly?

I remember a conversation with Nathan’s Ex’s brother years ago, where we agreed whole heartedly on that sentiment. He believed that humanity as a whole was shifting perceptions by gradually changing things in just that way. Each generation essentially taking baby steps to improve what was perceived as a negative from the previous generation.

For me those are my most negative qualities or weaknesses, those are the less than desirable traits that I learned from my parents. So part of my personality or not, I still aim to improve upon them or fix them. There is no reason my children should have to endure the worst of me to just create another generation of repeat. If I can improve enough, then I can break at least one negative cycle, and enable my children to experience better states of being. That’s my goal, and if I can figure out something that then helps others along the way then I’ve really won my own battle, regardless of how treacherous the journey was. Because I really do reach for helping the world be a better place for everyone, not just me, not just my family. I do intensely desire to help makes the world a better place.

Because, for me that is true freedom. To be able to create a new and better world to live in and enable our children to do the same. That is freedom.

Freedom is not a government making rules to turn around and change their minds every couple of years. Freedom is not inflated egos telling others what to do and yelling “because I said so and I can”, and then getting defensive over negative reactions…

Freedom is the right to choose, To choose better, To choose improvement, and to allow others to do the same whether you agree with their choices or not. I celebrate true freedom on this fourth, and mark another notch on my path to my own freedom.

May you all have a moment of recognition of that on this fourth.

Oscillating again.

I’m having a devil of a time attempting to stay buoyant these days. Between the discouraging lack of affordable decent housing, and being unable to let go of and move on from the boy, I keep finding myself in the hole. It doesn’t help that my depression puzzle pieces keep falling out of place, not all at the same time, but it seems I struggle to keep 3 or 4 of the six together at any given moment. It definitely contributes to my down-ness.

Anyway, this post is intended to get my mind on happy thoughts for as long as I can, so it might end up being long (apologies in advance).

 My goal is to show what I would love for the inside of my home to look like. Right now I’m really, really far from my desired look, and no one picture or item conveys the complexity of what I want. So I’m going to show as many elements as I can and describe what I like about them or why. 

My examples are pulled from online(google), and there’s a bunch of pictures, so I didn’t cite their sources. However, most of them, the screen shots caught the descriptions, so you’re welcome to get to them that way. I just want to clarify that these are all found images that I happen to appreciate, I take no credit for their existence.

So to start, I wanted to show furniture styles that I have always liked. I love furniture that looks clean and simple, but also is very functional. These pics are things that represent styles I’ve always liked. The qualifier here is I also like color, so even though these are muted colors, I’d rather have beautiful shades of reds and greens and blues. 

The sofa I love because it’s not only a guest sleeper, but it has a huge storage compartment under the chaise, and it’s affordable.

Chairs: I still like clean lines and simple designs, but I much prefer high back chairs for good back and neck support.

Chaise: I don’t know why, but I’ve always wanted just one of these. Perhaps it’s because several of my favorite novels from years back had one in their story lines.

Bedroom happiness: more clean lines, more organization. Color, in the bedroom, for me, falls in linens, curtains, and wall colors, so I’m OK with neutral colored furniture. I usually prefer lighter neutral furniture, but I do think I’d like to try having the dark woods in my own bedroom for a change. The more easy storage the better, it helps reduce and eliminate clutter.

I’d love to have a huge closet with built in customized shelves and drawers, but the more realistic, regular life solution is the very affordable Ikea beauties I like below. Mmmm that  would be nice.

Finally the environment: I do love color. I have always loved color like you find in Mexico, Greece, India, and China. At one point I thought it would be amazing to have a room decorated with each feel in mind. I also thought it would be great to have color themed bedrooms like castles in England… ” you’ll be staying in the blue (or green, etc.) room, just down the hall, first door on the left”. I’m not sure I’d actually go that far, but it’s a nice idea. So, with that in mind, here are some color schemes I found that I like.

The first three images, I also love the open spaciousness and simplicity. I love that they look clean, and homey, but not filled with clutter. Just enough artwork to be  interesting, but not too much for the eyes to take in.

More themed color and great storage.

These last 3 I really love the colors, but they are a bit more busy and cluttered looking than I’d like.

So now, you have a good idea of what I’d love for my home to look like. I’m sure there’s more I could elaborate on, but this is definitely a good start, and spending the time looking for pics and writing about the results definitely got my mind in a better place. That much was a great success. Here’s to more up moments, and hopefully to a great birthday soon as well.