Tag Archives: choices

TO love and be loved.

My day started with the quote from Sadhguru with Isha:

It reminded me of the contrast between my father and my spouse. My father was the former part of the quote, and my spouse the latter.

However, it was also a focus tool on what it means to love or be loved, especially after the contrast of my last post.

If you love something or someone you wish to experience it in the fullest sense, whatever that may be.

To love, you desire to appreciate the object of attention with as many senses as possible, and especially to the fullest ability of those senses, even if it may not always be completely pleasant. Most people think of our 5 earthly senses, but for me I always include the 6th sense as well.

When I really love something my 5 senses are utilized primarily, but there is always an element of my 6th Sense being included in the appreciation.

For example with art: I feel the paper, the canvas, even the texture of whatever medium I choose. I can tell you without even thinking too hard what the smell of charcoal or paint is like. I use my sight to craft my image or sculpture meticulously. I even enjoy the sound of the brush on canvas or pencils or charcoal on paper. The only physical sense that is limited with art is taste, and that is because many mediums can be toxic, yet I have still inadvertently tasted charcoal and clay, neither were offensive even when accidental. However, my most favorite is the 6th sense. In art, I feel a sense of calmness and peace that is deeper and more soothing than most any other activity for me. There have been several times that I was so soothed by the sense of the divine that I have lost hours or even entire days riding that peacefulness as I created something beautiful.

Many of my other loves (mentioned in my previous post) can be broken down similarly, but the 6th sense is always there and always unique to the thing I am focused on. It always feels wonderful, but can carry excitement, joy, peace, soothing, it can be energizing, and even full of passion.

When you really truly love a person it’s no different of a layered experience, but the layers are unique to that person. The 6 senses with my 6 year old are not experienced just the same way that the 6 senses are experienced with my husband.

Examples for my 6 year old would be: I love hearing his giggles, I love seeing him smile, I love rubbing his back, and the smell of his hair after a bath or playing in the sandbox brings me joy, and I will shower him with kisses as long as he lets me. But even when he’s stinky, dirty, or upset, I still love my little boy. Additionally my 6th sense still feels love shared between us, that bond formed in utero that helped me communicate before I could even see him. That sense that helped him learn motor skills because of my work while pregnant. Yet moreso, I feel when he really needs mommy because of upsets, confusion, or fright. I still communicate with him without need for words. I cherish every moment of our connection.

My husband has similar but not exactly the same set. Love can be so great that even the negatives are diminished. I love kissing my S.O. fully and completely, so that even my taste buds can enjoy the experience, but sometimes they’d rather I not do that first thing in the morning. My sense of touch does not have to be limited to back rubs, and I have even had the joy of picking zits, providing healing for wounds, and caressing every inch of his body. My sense of smell has experienced the full spectrum of smells his body provides, and even the unpleasant ones are somehow less offensive than someone I don’t find love in. I have seen him at his best most beautiful, and his worst post yardwork or surgery; regardless I still love him. The best is my intense connection with him. It has waned over our 16 years together, but I still know when he’s really happy or really struggling. I still feel his love for me when he’s focused on me. I still have a connection that enables knowing what he is going to say or being able to convey my needs without words. It’s that sense beyond the senses that keeps my love for him strong. We get each other’s headaches, body aches, and even each other’s inebriation. It’s those moments I know we share a strong bond of love supported by divine connection.

The hardest for me has been the others. The ones I felt and connected with in my 6th sense, but with which I never got to experience the entirety or fullness of the rest of the senses. My body sometimes aches with desire for the rest of my senses to be filled with loving experiences with them. Yet to this day they are my enigma. I will cherish the conversations accomplished and the moments of 6th sense connection, and maybe one day either they will return or God will replace them. Whether they return or not, I know my love for them is the realness of the latter part Sadhguru’s quote. I felt them, and even being unable to fulfill the wholeness of my desire for filling all the senses, I was able to get a sense of who they were as beings. There are definitely gaps and truths waiting to be fulfilled, but even if that never comes to pass my 6th sense knew. Maybe my lesson here is that I knew so deeply that I can still love and never receive them fully. That is the height of Sadhguru’s message. To love without being able to have as my own.

It’s an odd place to be. I never expected ownership to begin with. I never expected to stake claim, as that is the premise of polyamory.

Yet I had really desired, really hoped, for the same fullness of all the senses that I experience with Nathan. Love was found in multiplicity, for that I’m certain, and I can never undo that.

Now I wish to experience the fullest of the multiple love scenario, experience the all of more than one significant other. Experience the sights and sounds, words and feel of more than one. To experience the caresses and tastes, and yes even smells of more than one; on top of that 6th sense knowing and feeling of others. It’s a layered experience, but the layers are unique to each person, and I really do wish for that with more than just my Nathan and kids.

May you see you love in it’s fullest and truest sense. May you know you love someone for whom they are and not because they are yours to own. May you understand how to love fully and completely. May you know for certain that it is possible with everyone you truly care for. May you understand that you can fully love someone and not necessarily need to experience them in a specific way. May you find that you are able to experience those you do love in the ways that feel best and right to you. May you know that your love is reciprocated. May you know that God loves and supports you in whatever you choose.

*Om Shanti

*My God given prayer “Siva Hir Su” has had some clarity through using it with my Reiki practice. Since I now understand it’s use more fully from that intuitive input, I’m using it a little more descriminantly these days. I’ll elaborate at some point soon. For now I am defaulting to more generally accepted and positive options.

Keeping my word: update 2

*image sourced from Pexels library, is not Atutmn*

My visit with Autumn in the hospital was very good and very needed. She is a beautiful woman that has been hurt many times in her life, and in horrible atrocious ways. I think more than anything that is her biggest hurdle to being well.

I took her a $15 orchid from Hy-Vee (midwestern grocery chain). She cried because they were beautiful and unexpected.

She cried several times, because she explained that she honestly had a wary reaction to our offer to help, along the lines of: ‘what do they want from me’.

It took me explaining my journey with mental health caused by thyroid disease (which I now know probably has it’s root cause in a chronic viral infection) and how much I have had to go through and deal with and figure out on my own. I explained that when I begged God to help me pull up and fix everything, that I had promised to return the favor to others, and she was simply my first encounter to fit the bill.

I also explained to her that for both mine and Nathan’s hospital stays 8 and 10 years ago, there was no one that helped us navigate those times. I simply said “everyone needs someone sometimes, and Nathan and I didn’t have that someone when we needed it, so when I realized she didn’t have anyone, I was determined to be there for her”. She cried again.

We connected on similar childhood journeys and the battle with depression, including many of the symptoms that leave a person feeling crazy and like no one understands. She was amazed when to her comment of “sometimes the world seems so flat and two dimensional”, my response was “like everything looks like cardboard cutouts, like paper dolls”. I explained that I now know that is a symptom of brain swelling combined with exhaustion, your brain literally compresses your view into a more easily processed flattened image, it helps conserve energy and enables processing when the physical structure of the brain is literally under pressure. I told her my last bout of that was when the virus flared 3 weeks ago, and it made driving home very difficult. She cried again, and I cried too.

She was so relieved that someone really truly understood what she was going through. That she wasn’t alone and that there was hope. I told her I’m not perfect, I still have bad days and fall downs, but I will take my occasional fails over the constant struggle of years and years past. I reassured her it isn’t the easiest fix, and can be really hard to maintain, but is totally worth it. She wanted to live to try, and that is huge.

She has had a much harder adult life than I have and that led to some of her current woes. The infection itself started when a drug dealer abducted her and forceably shaved her with a dirty razor. That was the precipitating event that was ended with a police standoff and her being admitted to hospital care. That was one of many horrendous stories she shared with me and Nathan. My heart goes out to her, no one ever deserves to be treated like that.

Regardless, I promised her that I knew several things we could try if she made it out of the hospital. Things that would help with her depression and possibly other health concerns that have been sidelined by trauma and the MRSA infection. Even some techniques that combined with her psychiatric care might help release some of the traumas’ damage. I will not replace the pros, merely supplement.

I also told her if I had known about her job loss, I could have helped with that too, but now we’ll have to wait for her to get better. See, like me she was working with an elderly woman doing home health. Where I go and come from several people, she had one lady that she worked with all the time and that lady had passed away causing her to lose her source of income. I told her that I am connected to the elder care network in this city so well, that if I had known I could have found her work quickly. She cried more.

She was simply overwhelmed that Nathan and I are so willing to help her in what seems to her as huge ways. She said “To think I went to a cafe so many years ago to read a book to escape my father’s abuse.” I told her “I know, sometimes you never know when you meet someone as to what it will mean later”.

Please do keep sending prayers. I may have given her just enough of a nudge of encouragement for her to pull through, but only time and God will tell.


On another note, a friend of ours from college, living in Iowa, is going through a rough journey as well. He could also use prayers. He has more of a support network, but he has small children like me and as you’ll see below and equally scary prognosis as Autumn.

These are challenging times, and the virus of the news is really the least of the problems. The news still wants you to think it is the worst, but I really don’t think it is. I keep reminding people that if someone has health problems slowly taking their lives and corona polishes them off, then corona gets the sole blame. I will not be one bit surprised if at the end of the year, the heart disease, cancer, and other death stats are far lower than they typically trend. It’s how they are padding numbers to make the stats scary.

Beyond that, we are experiencing a global shift and the survivors will be the ones that take care of themselves, but also help humanity find oneness and healing.

If you get stuck in fear, anger, or divisiveness it will likely cause you much more immediate problems. The more time you spend in negative thought patterns, the more likely you will suffer and may not survive. I know this is my biggest challenge, but it really is for everyone, especially with the external input we have available at this time.

You must honor yourself and your needs as much as you are able. You must quiet the mind as much as you are able. You must look for your inner being as much as you are able. And when all else fails look for the flowers or cute kids or adorable animals to distract yourself and find moments of positivity. It is difficult, and I too struggle to do so at times, but coming together and aiming for positive solutions is the main solution for everything.

I half want to write a post expounding on why medicine is scared over this or any virus (the lack of post-contraction treatment beyond symptom relief); but I halfway don’t, because it would cause me to focus on things that piss me off and which I have no solution for personally. I want medicine to solve the problem, but acknowledge there are mechanisms far beyond my control preventing the corporate desire to want the ability to cure chronic viral infections.

I know focusing on that topic for too long would be detrimental to me. I may still work on that post a little at a time. It needs pointed out and expounded on, but if I am to do that I will have to do so in manageable ways that help maintain my own energetically-sovereign-self. We shall eventually see if I can do it or not.

May you find ways to maintain your energetically-sovereign-self and stay buoyant in these challenging times. May you take care of yourself enough to survive the shift. May you see ways to help others do the same. May we all reach for oneness and helping humanity progress for the better. May you see the value of acceptance of others and oneness, and thus enable humanity to improve and survive the shift as a collective. If you are certain it is your time to go, and none of this is possible for you, then may you have the easiest quickest gentlest transition possible. May we all know that God loves and supports all of us and wants all of humanity to grow in positive ways. May you see that God really wants us to genuinely care about those around us, regardless of blood ties or any other superficial ties. May you share the light that helps us all get through our days just a bit easier.

Siva Hir Su

Allopathic ignores Mind-Body

This is a slight continuation of my previous post. I forgot one point I wanted to convey.

Allopathic medicine chooses to ignore the Mind-Body connection.

I chose my words here carefully. It is a conscious choice of medicine to ignore the role of the mind in the health of the body.

There is pretense to help with the mind because depression and anxiety have a whole host of medications that are often picked randomly and given a fair chance to help. There is also various methods of mental counseling, some of which can help greatly. I myself have utilized those techniques after medications fell horribly short of any relief (they didn’t do anything because my depression was thyroid linked and medications attempted didn’t even address thyroid for decades).

However, those psychological techniques are merely tools that one can use to right their own thoughts and realign with their higher self. In order for lasting relief to be gained one must practice them until they become second nature. That is the hardest part and the one that American Allopathic medicine currently could not care less if you actually master them.

Here in America you are given 14 weeks to break free from depression’s death grip. If that fails, it is up to you to figure out how to obtain more care, which often means either switching practitioners or taking a break so that your care can be counted as a new 14 weeks. Certain diagnosis’ can get you indefinite care, but often at your own expense regardless of income level, that is unless the condition is so severe it is found as a permanent disability.

Yet, this is after Allopathic medicine has well documented the placebo effect, the effects of meditation on the mind and body, and many instances of spontaneous healing of a wide variety. They have documented it so well that most doctors will say, yes it’s a possibility but because we don’t know how it works we can’t rely on it.

Yet they do know how it works. Hundreds of studies on meditation have documented direct effects on the mind and the body. They range from hormone level changes, to nerve function, to brain function during MRI’s, to effects on blood pressure and heart rate. They have documented thousands of cases of the effects of solid meditation in the mind and body. Enough to even have statistics along the lines of: X meditation practiced Y amount of time leads to Z percent of relief.

So why isn’t meditation and those other psychological techniques a priority? Why don’t we teach everyone how to do them and guide them enough that they do become second nature?

I believe the reason for this and my previous posts’ points is that they want us to stay sick.

They make more money off of us when we are not fully well. The American Allopathic system makes a ton of money off of treating symptoms enough to keep us alive but not fully healed. That is the biggest pandemic of all, and one that many people are still blind to.

Just like my thyroid disease. It was ignored for 20 years while trying depression meds; given basic medication treatment for 6 and was promised a lifetime of continued medication. I, via a helpful client have stumbled onto the true root cause and thus a potential final solution. If the hypothesis works I won’t need medication any more, which means the medical system will quit making money off of me. They can’t stand that idea.

What started as a system over 200 years ago with intent to genuinely help people heal, has become a big money making factory system. We are all just the cogs that keep it running. If you choose to decided that that is unacceptable, like me, you will likely run into the same wall of uncooperative doctors that I did. It simply becomes a threat to their livelihood. You will have to stand your ground and keep your wits about you, because they will do their best to dissuade you or convince you that your desires are either impossible or crazy. They will do anything to challenge your intelligence and make their system of symptom management seem like it is the better and only real choice.

The biggest problem is that they control the necessary tools to document your progress and processes. With the exception of most blood based labwork, you need the damn doc’s to order bigger tests and write temporary scripts to buy the time needed to accomplish the real goal. For some of the alternative treatments you would also have to have a practitioner willing to do them, and some of those treatments require specific certifications or an MD. That has been my battle the last 2 years, that is once I realized if I wanted full health and that I would have to take matters into my own hands and figure it out on my own. Now I battle to find someone willing to help me, and hopefully my client’s Functional Medicine guy will be my answer.

If you are on a journey like me, I wish you the best of luck and recommend the following documentaries.

The Secret” and it’s counterpart “The Opus”

What the bleep do we know

”Heal”

“The Gut, Our Second Brain

There are dozens of others that will come up if you watch those, it will truly become a rabbit hole.

May you be well informed on your health possibilities. May you see new avenues to try. May you find practitioners willing and able to help you with your preferred choices. May you find the answers you seek. May you find your way out of being a medical cog. May you find true health. May you be wholley well and fully healed. May you live the life you desire.

Siva Hir Su