Tag Archives: clean-up

Clarity with shorter refractory periods.

First, thank you Lord Siva, it seemes you keep saving my arse over and over again. The Diwali Temple Meditation time helped more than I knew in that awkward-outsider moment. I’m still not sure why I am called to experience the divine through this path, but I’m grateful that you still speak to me.

Nathan was right, despite all eyes being on me/us, in my heart, you welcomed us both fully in that moment. Thank you God and I’m sorry I felt so awkward.

“MC YOGI – SHIVA (Supreme Soul) – (Official Stream)” on YouTube is my uplifting moment of celebration for you today.

Listen here: https://youtu.be/FXD52U6g76M

Also thank you God:

My climb up from exhausted and allergy reaction has become much shorter. Between knowing the precise set of actions to take to unbury from the physical response, and taking moments of calming and centering meditation, my climb has gone from taking weeks (sometimes months) a few years ago, to mere hours now. For that knowing I’m utterly grateful.

I’m also really truly starting to understand the practical application of Abraham’s teachings on the emotionality of the law of attraction.

For instance yesterday I wrote:

After trying to apologise to one person and having that leave me feeling like a stupid naive fool living in a double standard, I’m feeling like words are not helping- hence all the emoji’s.

What I’ve been able to apply here is that I felt so damn crappy because I was so far off the mark of my inner truth.

  • I’m intelligent, smart, and give most everything plenty of forethought.
  • I’m far from naive, in fact I am usually the first to contemplate anything in my past or awareness, as a means to discern how a current situation (person, place, or thing) applies to my now. I.E.: Am I about to let myself get hurt again or be taken advantage of, or is this genuine and divinely guided, sometimes even a mix of the two?
  • I’m also very informed on a wide array of topics, many of which I never speak about in public due to their taboo nature. I don’t even write about them in any sort of public way. They are just an element of my awareness.
  • I’m anything but a fool. I may have moments where I allow events to unfold hoping that those around me will find their inner being and grow to do the right things, but I’m usually very aware of flaws, faults, and the potential worst case scenario. If I perceive that I’m likely to get hurt, I usually try to brace for impact or back out slowly and cautiously. That hasn’t always worked well, but at least I saw it coming (looking at you, September 2018).
  • What I perceived as a double standard is my own doing. I called someone out for actions that pushed my boundaries, and then got sloppy in considering theirs. That’s not a double standard, just a careless mistake, which I did apologise for. My embarrassment only caused me to fail to see that initially.

With all that being said, I’ve revisited my desires, my preferences. I’ve examined myself, and with the exception of desiring to be lighter by a few pounds of fat, I happen to like or love most everything about myself. That’s my inner being’s view. That helped me climb out.

I also took a few minutes to pretend, just like when I was a kid. I used Oracle cards, since I have plenty, they were easily accessible. I placed all my cards and then walked Nathan through the traits they represented to me. What my particular arrangement meant in that moment of my pretending. That was very helpful to refocus on my higher being’s desires and where I aim to head.

Through all of these moments I heard God. I heard the nudges of confirmation, the nudges of lighten up, and the push to go easier on myself. I also ended up stumbling through a series of messages that added up to an awareness that I need to step back and allow for others to work on themselves. As much work as I have done, things I have learned, and adjustments I have made; I have to acknowledge that if people really truly care about me, they will do their best to work through their own moments in an attempt to keep up with my alignment with the divine. Otherwise in time, those new people I find, which are on my level will replace the former people. My life will move on regardless, and I need to quit worrying about anyone else’s progress- anyone: family, friends, even love interests. I know I’m worth the journey and though I very much would like for certain people to stay in my experience, it is not mine to force. I can’t make them keep up, they have to want to, they have to want to find their own healing, only that will keep us in proximity.

For that awareness, I thank God. Yet, I ask God to remind me of that as gently as possible and as often as needed. I will likely forget and try to push those I am most attached to, and that will only cause resistance with all involved. I deserve better than that, so I’ll need the gentle reminders to keep from pushing too hard.

May you all have speedy healing and be able to pull up quickly. May you have understanding of the messages the divine is trying to send you. May your loved ones of any aspect stay in vibrational proximity on your journey together. May you relax and release resistance, to especially find understanding and love of self.

Siva Hir Su

“I f-ing hate enlightenment.”

That was the phrase I said to Nathan this morning that made him double over in laughter asking me to write this post.

The reason I said it was because I checked my fasting sugar and it was again at 160. I commented it was probably the chocolates I ate last night because they were cheap ones. I said “I love chocolate, there I said it, I love chocolate, and aren’t we supposed to be loving things!”

Then immediately my brain replayed the last chakra section of the following clip from “The Last Airbender”.

Watch “How To Open Your 7 Chakras As Explained In a Children’s Show” on YouTube

I had played the clip for Ian last night to see if it would help him understand things. And I had followed the clip as a meditation in the process, so I knew exactly what was being conveyed.

It is good to love things, but not so intensely that we cannot let them go for fear of the loss.

And that is precisely what I’m doing with chocolate.

Chocolate is my last food pleasure. It is the only thing left in my ‘I really enjoy this food’ list. I am afraid to lose chocolate and never have any enjoyable food in my experience.

Knowing that, and accomplishing the letting go are two separate and distinct moments. Practice makes perfect, right?!

This one is going to be hard for me. Merh.

Relaxing into clarity.

Yesterday I hit an exhausted wall again. Cancelled most, but not all, of my massage work today. That is an expensive habit I need to break, even if it has only been once a month.

You see as an employee I’m faced with the corporation’s rules:

  • Too many sick days and there’s penalty.
  • Overtime equals penalty.
  • Too many penalties and you get fired.

Yet the “reality” is I am working 7 days a week. 5 for them and 2 as myself. It also holds knowledge that I made $4 more last year in the job than in the self-employed work- way more hours for the same pay.

The reality is that their full-time 40-hour-a-week job has unrealistic expectations. There’s simply too much to be done to fit into 40 hours, but not enough to justify hiring an additional employee. So rules being what they are I’ve been electing to work off the clock averaging 2 to 5 hours a week of unpaid overtime, and that’s with efforts I’ve made to make certain duties more efficient.

I’d hate to see what the average Joe would need, and it has made even clearer why they keep going through activities directors like candy. Because like myself they’ve all probably hit the this-isn’t-worth-it-wall and quit caring which ultimately led to unfulfilled job duties and getting themselves canned. Unfortunately, even though I’m seeing the clarity, my work ethic demands I stick to what I’ve already done, until I find a better solution.

I’m literally putting in 70 hours a week between both sources of income, sometimes more.

So today I worked less to take care of myself. In fact I’m writing this from my post cupping, Epsom salt bath.

Thought you might prefer to not see all of me naked 🤣, but I’m loving that technology has allowed this moment.

Anyway, sunshine, cupping, massage, good healthy food, CBD oil, and a peppermint/eucalyptus Epsom bath- I’m starting to feel revived. I might actually be able to accomplish some tax prep before bed.

In the meantime, whilst I soak, I’m going to breakdown the opposites I’d prefer to experience.

  • Ballance between work life and home/social life.
  • Quality time with my children (wanting to play in the sandbox with Ian and go for walks outside again, now that the weather is improving).
  • I’d love to get paid above the real, current, highly inflated, cost-of-living for doing a 40 hour week. Less hours, more pay. I feel I’m worth it. I’m intelligent, hard working, detail oriented, and do go the extra mile when it’s called for (it shouldn’t be a daily expectation at low wages like it currently is).
  • Legally, I’m due to be paid for overtime when it’s necessary without penalty. Companies should acknowledge that if they are choosing to have fewer employees than workload dictates, they are to pay accordingly, or adjust the workload. In this particular case there are 3 people with time available to help. 2 of which are computer illiterate (as far as many of my duties are concerned) and the 3rd is one of “the mean girls” above me in rank. That is the additional clarity of why I just work off the clock, instead of attempting to shift workload elsewhere. They are simply either not able or willing to help in a genuine caring manner.
  • I wish to work with people willing to go the extra mile and be supportive of each other, but in an environment that tests it less frequently. Lower stress environment.
  • I prefer to work with people that are more open, accepting, and understanding. We all have oddities, quirks, and strange habits or mannerisms, just because someone else’s might bother you doesn’t make it right to mock them.
  • I enjoy being around friendly people.
  • I enjoy being appreciated.
  • I am grateful I leave lasting positive impacts on the people and places I’ve worked with.
  • I enjoy the feeling of belonging one gets in a tight knit community.
  • I enjoy being around people of all ages and all backgrounds. It is more interesting and brings more ideas to the table, the “compromise-challenge” is worth it.
  • I prefer to live the sentiment Summer Osborne addressed in her TED talk. (see here)
  • I would love to have genuinely good insurance that covered providers of my choice, even home birth, chiropractic, acupuncture, and massage. That is truly progressive and preventative medicine.
  • I would love to have my dome home and an electric vehicle.
  • I think I would really enjoy being on the providing side of these sentiments through owning my own community- my dream of Atira gets clearer with every day I’m alive.
  • I look forward to a day when I know my efforts help produce profits that go to good charitable causes instead of investors bank accounts.
  • I look forward to having a hand in those charities as well; a way to make a greater and even more positive and lasting impact.
  • I look forward to easier times ahead for me and my family.
  • I look forward to being able to take vacations occasionally with enough budget to do so easily and comfortably. Even once a year would be grand.
  • I look forward to experiencing the cafe and bistro I’ve dreamed of where I can walk in knowing there are multiple truly healthy and truly tasty options to choose from.
  • I look forward to being able to stay home on messy winter days and being able to take full advantage of those perfect sunny days, even if it’s just a walk in the park.
  • I look forward to being able to release my CDL comfortably knowing I no longer need to keep it as a backup plan, let alone my source of income. There are plenty of people that love driving more than I do.
  • I look forward to having a great playground in my close knit community…. And a dog park… And trails… Mmmm good.
  • I look forward to manifesting greater good in this world for God. I choose the archetypes Shiva (Zeus/Poseidon), Kali (Hera/Brighid), Ganesh (Hermes/Mercury), etc., because they resonate with me and I have such a layered understanding of God’s aspects. Regardless, we are here to further manifest on behalf of God. We are conduit for the Divine to produce more, and I acknowledge the weight of that willingly. I choose to do better, to strive for better, and to leave a positive mark on this world. Part of me wishes everyone had that same intense desire, and on some level we all do, but I acknowledge some are simply not able to accomplish what I am reaching for. I hope that I am able to accomplish what I am reaching for.

With that, my bath is cold and I am going to reach for tax progress with the remainder of my evening. Adeau and Happy St. Pat’s day if I don’t get a chance to write again before then. Blessings everyone.

Ouch!

Watch “Abraham Hicks 💓 Let FUN guide you [NEW]” on YouTube

https://youtu.be/1sYIZMsL01M.

I’m so very guilty of this. Guess I understand at least part of why the last 3 years has gone the way it has. I really need figure out how to stay-permanently- on the positive vortex side.

It’s funny: scaring off people I really like on one hand; & introducing other friends to polyamory & law of attraction on the other hand (I’ve discovered different friends have gravitated to one or the other in the last couple of years, & I was the one that introduced the concepts). I literally told Nathan when he informed me of that: “Why the hell do I keep helping others find things I have yet to fully figure out for myself?!”

———

As for me:

I just keep getting better and better at solving a never ending slew of problems. Nursing is slowly resolving: they went ahead and clipped Katherine’s tongue-tie even though the front was mild, with a disclaimer that since it wasn’t bad it might not solve things, & the rear may be more significant, but also more costly to clip. It’s solved maybe 70% of the pain. The other 30% is very, very slowly backing off as my nipples heal. I really wish I could speed that process up more, but I’ve been told its going quickly compared to others with that much damage- probably because all the goop I’m using repeatedly. I’m also in the midst of figuring out adrenal & thyroid balance post birth to put an end to the emotional nose dives and roller coaster ride I’ve been on for the last 3 weeks. Nursing problems or not, I knew the extreme falls were needing an extra look, & my last 2 tweaks seem to have made significant headway.

Now I just need to get into the doc to renew my desicated thyroid prescription.

I do wish though that Dr. Illardi would revisit his Depression Cure book with postpartum needs and situations in mind, that puzzle could use his perspective. I’ve had a heck of a time trying to apply his findings to “eat when they eat, sleep when they sleep” new baby logic, while still attempting to retain the allergy needs dictated by 3rd trimester, trying to stimulate lactation, having difficulty with severe breast pain, and not being able to leave my room half as much as I’d prefer. It’s a puzzle that has already threatened to get the better of me, but as usual I’m fighting with all I’ve got.

——–

In other news:

The basement is also coming along well. Our “living room”/ multipurpose room is nearly complete, and we’re finally working on unpacking things beyond clothing.

The storage area behind the brown chair will eventually get covered with a curtain. That is once I’m certain the crack in the ceiling no longer leaks when it rains.

My child already made friends with the Lego’s in the new open floor space, but there is still room for 2 pieces of exercise equipment, a large dog kennel (blue sheeted cube) , & stacked tables for organizing short term storage & usables.

The other table currently a mess, is intended for being art space, and most (but not all) of what is on it is art supplies. To that end I fully intend to sort & organize to actually be able to use it for its intended purpose.

Nathan’s goal has been to tackle organizing our portion of kitchen stuff in the garage & to make the garage usable space again. He’s about three quarters of the way through that process, but it looks a ton better and you can actually walk around in the garage now (as opposed to squeezing through & still being afraid of tripping, like it was a couple of weeks ago).

It’s starting to feel like home, and to that end we’re getting closer to having everything moved. Nathan’s down to missed odds and ends, & the large outdoor items. Life is finally starting to seem normal again, and things are beginning to look pretty again. That I have to thank the gods for. I asked Kali almost 3 years ago to help me make things pretty again (when I hit the remodeling-brick-walls with the trailer), and it’s finally beginning to take shape, just not the way I thought it would. SO not the way I envisioned.

Anyway, Hannah is giving the home a glorious garden. She helped me rescue plants I’d started the previous 2 years. & those combined with her plants from before, her amazing touch, a bunch of seeds, and a few new plants, things are looking great.

The view of the Iris’ from our room is wonderful too.

Finally, I’ve made cards for a couple of people that were very generous with me this year, birthday & baby wise. I was going to make a 3rd, but that person is nearly blind, so I’m not sure yet how to honor her generosity. Beyond that, it’s taken me over a month, but I’m almost done with an adult coloring page I’m in love with- an elephant.

I can’t take full credit for the cards, the cats were inspired by a single kitty I saw somewhere, & the cover words were also found. I just put my personal touch on it, crafting it with watercolors on heavy art paper, feeling like that meant more than a store bought card. I hope they feel the same way when they get them.

——–

So up, and down, and all around.

My husband and Hannah both keep telling me that I’m amazing & should be congratulating myself. I still have difficulty seeing it, knowing the thousands of things I would still like to accomplish. I do have my moments where I’m like “Yeah I’m a bad-ass giving birth and all the challenges and I’m still trucking with a healthy beautiful baby to-boot”. I just wish I could figure out how to maintain those moments consistently without seeming like or sounding like a narcissistic bastard… Yes that is a fear of mine. Yet another challenge. …

My last request for the day: one less challenge to overcome, let something be easy for once. Let a something, for everyone, be easy for once.

*Siva Hir Su.*

Hard labor weekend…

So this weekend we finished filling the dumpster.  A fair amount of stuff from under the trailers didn’t fit, but the dumpster is overflowing.  

Burned the burnables- that was fun!

 I made a new fire pit so the old one could get the metal bits sifted out. 

Trampoline got moved where the main pile of trash used to be. 

Swing moved by the fire pit. Umbrella deployed over swing.  Aquarium turned table to one side of the swing (planning on putting lights in it). Ice bucket table on the other side of the swing. The tires behind the swing will be squash/watermellon/pumpkin planters, but I ran out of steam. That’ll have to happen next week sometime. 

Gardens got planted. Some stuff from last year’s garden came back:  bulbs,  sage, thyme, a small cilantro, parsley, yucca, & a few of the flowers.  I planted seeds in new dirt for everything else. View of Gardens from the swing:

Part of the yard got mowed & general cleanup started. It feels so much better out here! This is progress.  I love progress. 

Burn f*^#er Burn

So today was a “miss work to get some home work done finally” day. I succumbed to renting a roll away dumpster since it seems I’ve permanently lost my utility trailer to the hauling of water.  The roll away cost as much to rent for a week as the utility trailer cost new at Harbor Freight. Oh well, what’s $400 dollars anyway, right?!

New utility trailer last spring ($460)- got used to haul trash twice & otherwise has been restricted to water. 

Dumpster today ($400) 4x8x10 ft (only 4 feet longer not quite 2 feet taller than the trailer)

Furthermore,  I spent the morning distracted so actual labor finally commenced at 11am, despite receiving the roll away at 8:30. I’m prepping to head to choir/orchestra practice now,  so we had to wrap up at 3:30.

This is what it used to look like, before burning our contribution of remodel remnants:

& this is from while we were burning before,  but is a better idea of where we started  today: 

So, that makes 4.5 hours of labor, of which Nathan and I both busted ass to get as much done as possible, so it was really hard labor. If I was able to pay myself what I get paid at work, I’d have made $180, and Nathan would have made $90. 

Oh well…. $400 dumpster and $270 lost wages, just to remove mostly other people’s trash. *scowl*

(Notice my horribly mismatched clothes – that was because they were garments I wouldn’t be afraid of trashing if need be.)

The up-side is we’re  finally seeing it disappear. Over a year later,  with no help from the family that caused the pile. Can you tell I’m having difficulty finding gratitude over that one?

This is what it looks like after the 4.5 hours, almost complete with giant burn pile started:  

I am grateful it’s going away,  and it feels much better without the litter on the land. I am very glad we’ll have a yard again. 
What’s left when the cleanup is done will be a very large burn pile of wood products, and an equally large pile of scrap metal which I’ll probably end up hauling off inside the van. 

 I very much look forward to watching the wood burn this weekend.  THAT will be a good time.  THAT will feel better too. THAT makes me happy. 

In the midst of all of it, I got to stop & play with a Red Bellied Snake, & at the end of the day whilst cleaning up, I got to take a few min to absorb some wonderful sun on all my skin. THAT makes me happy as well. 

 Finally,  the purging has already begun.  We started the day by putting our mattress in the bottom of the dumpster, along with some soft goods. Sunday was wash everything we own at the laundromat day, and we’ve sprayed our bedroom and bathroom with horribly toxic chemicals which I got at home depot just for bedbugs.  I got 3 different gallon spray containers,  and we’ve used one and a half so far,  plus a quart & half of rubbing alcohol.  I’m pretty sure the house is extremely flammable right now,  & Nathan agrees,  so he’s asked me to quit talking about wanting to burn it down. I said fine,  with the qualifier that the dumpster needs topped off with anything that will fit (which might not be much because of the massive amount of trash we cleaned up today).

*sigh* Relief sometimes is difficult in the arrival. 

Moved, still working.

Progress is slow at times, but any forward motion is still progress. I have to remind myself of that sometimes, because if things are not going as planned I stress because I have forgotten that sentiment.

We’ve moved into the not ready mobile home. It was a solution for wasting both time and money, however, it has pushed all of my buttons to the max. We’ve had excessive heat on top of the other stresses, so I’m having to distract myself as much as possible.

We have a friend in Smithville that has a pool, and she’s been kind enough to let us go swimming a couple of times, and follow swimming with a nice refreshing shower. I can’t tell you how much that alone has helped this week.

Work on home itself has nearly crawled to a halt. I have supplies for the next step, but it’s a matter of either working while it’s exhaustingly hot, or trying to save enough energy for when it’s not so ridiculously hot= neither of which we’ve managed to do successfully.

What we have gotten done though:

  1. The trash pile is shrinking. We’ve taken bags to local dumpsters that we got permission to use limitedly- as in a bag or 2 a day, not everything we have. We also took a load to the nearest Landfill, which happens to be in Saint Joseph. If it weren’t so far away, we’d have had more than one load hauled by now. Being it is a 50 min drive, I have to allow 5 hours to load, drive, unload, and drive back. Fortunately, it only costs $20 per load, so a few more of those and all the trash will be gone. That equals happiness!
  2. I have been able to get the garden decorated nicely. Now there are a multiplicity of bird feeders, both store bought and home-made. Momma bird, I’ve been told is a Carolina Wren, and she didn’t like me being so close to her house, but she’s enjoyed the feed once I was done!

     

     

  3. We got a new to us swing and trampoline and hauled them out. We haven’t set the trampoline up yet, because we want to put it where the trash pile currently is. The goal is to have that spot cleared out and cleaned up within the next couple of weeks, then the trampoline only takes about 30 min to set-up. Anyway, this is the swing, pardon the tote and towel. I snapped the picture after Ian had been playing in water in the tote like a kiddy pool. You’d think I would have just bought a little pool for him, but it’s been on the bottom of my priority list.20160611_180648
  4. I’ve harvested from the garden a couple of times. We’ve gotten lettuce greens of 2 varieties, kale of 3 varieties, Brussel-sprout greens, Beet greens, and raddish greens, beans/snap peas,  raddishes, spinach, and pok choy. The raddishes and beets went to flower, so I had to cut all of them way back, but I think they’re doing great otherwise. We have a small green caterpillar that has really enjoyed eating our spinach and pok choy, but I don’t mind sharing a little of our plentiful garden. I tried pulling one of the carrots, and it was too small to even count as a baby carrot yet, but growing heartily. We watered the garden several times, but I think it’s about time to provide some fertilizer to encourage growth. The herbs are slowly catching up with the rest of the garden, so the fertilizer would help that along nicely.

     

  5. Flowers are blooming too! I’ve got wild flowers, marigolds (calendula), fuscia, and poppies all in bloom. And I found out the blue flowers I referenced a couple of weeks ago is called spiderwort and is a medicinal wild flower!

     

  6. We’ve got wildlife galore. I put out feeders that are oriole and wren friendly. I’ve got some for finches, and wood peckers, and a general wild bird food. Mrs. Wren has built a home in the one bird house, and I’ve seen some other birds examining the 2nd bird house. I’ve seen cardinals, blue jays, vultures, Blue Herons, Owls, and Hawks. Something ate some of the lettuce, and we’ve seen King Snakes and lots of Deer. We even had several Luna Moths grace our presence during their week of mating! I love the nature here!

     

  7.  We went to haul water, and the tank didn’t quite fit on the utility trailer because of the dimensions of the 2 x 4 sides I built, so I threw together a frame out of 2 x  12’s for the tank to rest on. It worked perfectly and we’ve been able to haul water for the animals and Jennifer twice now.
  8. The ticks are horrendously bad this year, every time I went to work outside I found myself picking them off my legs left and right, and still ended up finding a couple later on. It was bad enough that when I told my friend Becky, she said chickens and guinea hens eat ticks. I was so sick of the ticks at that point, I said done, getting chickens ASAP! Jennifer knows someone that can get her 50 of them for almost nothing by next week. So today was building the coop day. I’m almost half done, and again using free scrap wood and bits that came from the house. It won’t be pretty, but it’ll function like every other chicken coop ever built. I wish there was  an award for ingenuity in using trash to build functional structures. Between the wood hutch and chicken coop, I think I’d win! I’ll post pics of the coop when it’s done (hopefully tomorrow evening= if it stops raining to finish it).
  9. Beyond that we’ve done laundry, I’ve worked at my contract buildings, I replaced the battery on my scooter, put the storage compartment back on the scooter, taken the van in for a tune up, and done all the regular tid=bits of everyday life that have always existed. I think that’s an accomplishment in and of itself.

So, NOT the major home remodeling accomplishments that I’d hoped I’d be reporting by now, BUT we have done stuff. It’s still that forward motion I referenced earlier. I’ll just keep chugging away, and one day, it’ll be a great comfy cozy home. Just have to maintain my sanity for now.