Tag Archives: confidence

Flogging Story So Far

Listen: https://youtu.be/BZGkxlLZZsM

I am thanking God I’m alive, yet acknowledging that Nathan and my couple of friends might be sick of my fitness puzzle updates, I thought I’d write it out. My story so far does make me who I am, and currently it’s kinda pissing me off.

Despite having birthed 2 children, losing weight during pregnancy, to reach 190 pounds twice; I’m shaking my head as to why the eff I’m hovering between 200-225 now.

At this point I can honestly acknowledge that I’m doing spectacular by all reasonable definitions. I already knew I was doing decent, but there were a few people that thought I wasn’t eating enough and thus causing my body to think it was starving. Because of their doubts I began to use my Samsung Health Tracker app to its fullest potential to find out for certain if my knowing was accurate or if their doubts were.

I have to say, except for the fact that it doesn’t track the calories I burn doing deep tissue massage, I’m really enjoying the accuracy and details it allows me to track. When I enter food I can pick brands, specify my particular serving, even down to individual ingredients for things like my breakfast shake, and it does all the math for me. I love it.

As you can see below, my worst day of food intake (when I’m at the old job) is the number of calories that many people consume as normal. Yet, for me that now only happens once or twice a month. Most days fall more in the range of what I took in on the 26th, which is more of the 850 to 1100 calories. Which, by the way, gives me plenty of energy. I actually struggle more on the high calorie days, because usually those involve succumbing to my food allergies.

That reminds me of a cartoon that Nathan found a few days ago…..(he’s been sharing memes on this topic with me because I’m ranty about it, he’s trying to help me find levity.)…

Anyway, I find it interesting that my nutrient balance score is low. I have been watching that score system and basically I get a better score when the protein to carb ratio is in a certain range. Unfortunately, I usually eat few carbs. My food intake still has carbs, but much lower ratio than most people. I also try to focus on healthy fats and I eat seafood or use pea protein powder for my proteins since I have had issues recently with red meat and never did do well with dairy or soy. I’m betting they factor that into their algorithm as well.

Moving on: in addition to these super healthy lower calorie days, I’m getting plenty of exercise. Beyond doing massages- which do burn calories, I’ve been doing more yoga and core exercises (leg lifts, variety of crunches, and planks) and walking a ton. Today I’ve done 30 min of yoga, about 40 min of core exercises, and then took an hour walk, keeping up pace with my Flogging Molly mix. My app only counted one of my jogging bits as running, but I picked up the place several times during my walk to keep up with the music. That’s despite the cold weather. *I really do love Flogging Molly for exercise.* My average steps per day is generally over that which the app recommends with few exceptions, and the one high-calorie day I hit 18,000 steps, nearly 8 miles of walking!

I’ve also been reeling in my blood sugars, finally getting my fasting numbers to begin to normalize. I have to say that the walking increase has helped with that, but making sure my dinners are on the light side also did. And blood pressure never was a concern, but I’m logging them anyway to make sure it stays that way.

My stress levels are even doing great and even when I push my speed with the walking/jogging I’m still keeping lower heart rates.

I swear that this meme is too true. Too close to home, but still funny.

Damn those genetics.

Anyway, I’m definitely feeling like all my work should amount to something visible. I have nothing to show for 4 months of dedicated exercise and food control. Except slightly better blood sugars. Oh well, I suppose I know, and regardless of people’s assumptions, I still know I can lift my husband (and most of the people I work on). I’m healthy despite having an obese body. Rawr.

I’ll leave you with 2 appropriate funny memes, and my usual blessing.

May you know your hard work matters. May your determination net visible results. May you see your improvement, and may you enjoy a healthful life.

Siva Hir Su

Victory and insights.

So the victory is my midwife is paid in full!!!! Yay! Happy dance and squeals of delight.

I even have a little bit saved for the trip to Acadia National Park in Maine the end of July. At this rate I think I’ll have enough to make the trip. It might be tight, but I can’t say no to free lodging, a beautiful experience, and visiting family I’ve not seen in nearly a decade.

That is wonderful relief.

On an entirely different topic, the insights came yesterday at a mandatory meeting our building had with the President and Vice President of our company. I have to say meeting them was far more comfortable than daily working tends to be. Everyone around me was running around stressing and I just wasn’t. I don’t know why in particular but it felt very comfortable and I even had a good albeit short conversation with the President.

He seems like a genuinely good guy, and the biggest take away from the meeting was that the owners are also good people.

It led to a long conversation with our pastor afterwards. We discussed how a company gets to where they have such genuinely good goals and set out to do good deeds, but end up having staffing and budget issues as I’ve seen. How the low people on the totem essentially still boil down to numbers. And how those ideals fail to carry through to all of the individuals in the organization.

It helped me gain some more clarity on my goals of Atira. The pastor used the phrasing that perhaps a company gets too large to fully understand all of the individual workings and really know it’s people. That the connections that express a person’s value are lost. That sentiment reinforced prior ideas I’d had that Atira should be a singular community. It could spawn franchisee opportunities or literally just help people learn how to start their own communities, but I really don’t want a company of mine to grow so large that the company itself begins to lose sight of it’s intent.

I want Atira to stay manageable so that I know for sure it is helping people both within and outside of it’s structure. I want to know that if all the individuals understand that, the better it functions and the more they can make happen in their lives and in the lives of others.

For instance: I know I want to give homeless people second chances by putting them to work- training and all, but I also acknowledge that minimum wage being just over $7 is highly unrealistic with the inflation we’ve had the last 20 years. I want Atira to be able to sustain realistic living wages for all of it’s staff members, and those with experience and drive do deserve to earn more.

Yet, I acknowledge that in order for there to be profits to divert for other charitable uses, there does have to be positive flow of goods and services being exchanged for properly set fees.

It is definitely a tricky balancing act, and one that though I now can see my employer aimed for, either did not reach or was unable to maintain. I want Atira to reach and maintain it.

Beyond that, yesterday’s conversations and interactions solidified that I have done very well for myself with much less effort than some. I pointed out to the President that I had only ever paid for two boxes of business cards and never did pamphlets or other costly marketing.

I left Facebook nonsense out of that conversation knowing that I had already gotten their attention over that. However, in talking to the pastor I did revisit it. Explaining that I have yet to see any benefit from Facebook, also knowing over 2 dozen people that have tried to use it for marketing. Most of those, myself included had far too negative cost-benefit imbalances in Facebook marketing. Offering up hundreds of free services or visits to get a pittance of mediocre to decent client base. It simply just never netted the good reliable clients that massage therapists, chiropractors, and other care providers survive by.

I count myself fortunate to have seen that pattern and ducked out before giving away too many hours of my life, my work, and my hands, to those that are ungratefully taking advantage of the freebie.

That is not to say I never give away services. In fact to this day I still do. However, I’m much more discerning in my free work. I give to those that truly value it, but otherwise might not be able to afford it. I also give away a fair number of massages to veterans, even those that can afford it. That is where I choose to give, and when someone shows their gratitude in the best way they know or have available, I’m more likely to give them repeat free services. I have one veteran that I bill for about every 4th massage, knowing he’s on a tight budget but that he sings my praises nearly daily. So essentially I do my best to catch him weekly and bill just one a month. That is my avenue for flowing charity for God. It is what I can do right now, so I do.

And besides, not dealing with Facebook took a huge stress off of me. No longer having to consider finding or creating good stock photography, and reducing my concerns of protecting people’s information and privacy. As a sole proprietor HIPAA is a potentially life threatening costly mistake waiting to happen, so I’m glad I stepped away from Facebook when I did.

Anyway, I’m utterly grateful for the whole lot, midwife being paid, meeting upper management, learning more about the company, and especially both the conversation with the President and our pastor.

Another thank you to the Divine for providing more clarity in my days and helping to continually redefine and become more specific with my desires and goals. I truly look forward to brighter days ahead.

Moving… breaking… playing

So we’re plugging along at moving. Thinning the herd again. Every time we move our load gets lighter and lighter. I’m happy for it, as at one point we had way more than 2 people should. Now we have what a normal family of 5 would, and we’re one step closer to living lighter.

In the process this time, I was working on lowering the massage table that had been be Ian’s “loft”, so that it could maximize space in the move and…. I sat it down on my foot. Initially I said ouch and kept moving. About an hour later my foot was still throbbing enough that I told Nathan I needed to look at it. As soon as my shoe came off, the pressure backed off, but I knew I would not be getting it back on. My foot had swelled immensely.

This is what it looked like initially.

It was hard to tell other than the intense swelling, but I went around showing everyone that it was what a freshly broken bone looks like. I explained I had broken a bone in my foot, probably hairline fracture as it was tolerable to walk on. Also, compared to the last time I broke a toe, this was actually less painful.

Now after I’ve had a few days of healing, having kept it wrapped in an ace bandage, the swelling is much less, but the bruise is much more noticeable. It has also reinforced my prior estimation of which bone I’d broken, based on the epicenter of pain. I had estimated it was my 2nd metatarsal, and the bruise has mostly settled into my 2nd and 3rd toes, which fits with that theory.

This is what it looks like now.

Really each morning I find that it feels better and better. However even with the ace bandage, each evening brings burning sensations in my toes from limping all day at work. This evening may be the worst so far as I spent nearly 12 hours in constant motion, mostly up on my feet. It was a rough day.

That being said I’m very grateful that I’m still able to work and help with the moving process. A little discomfort for a few weeks is far better than needing surgery or something worse.

__________________

Another thing I’m grateful for is my now fully mobile 5.5 month old baby. She’s so smart and so strong that she’s crawling, pulling herself up to standing and holding onto furniture to walk. She’s even getting the balance thing down enough to stand one-handed, and occasionally she lets go for a few seconds. She has enough confidence that if she makes it about 5 seconds hands free, she tries to take a step, though at this point every time that happens she falls. Yesterday she had a great time demonstrating that for me several times over, smiling and giggling the whole way.

This morning she played with shoes and one of Ian’s trucks, and Nathan had the sense to capture some video I can share. The other moments have been so enthralling that we’ve lapsed on videos a bit. Next time she gets moving I’ll do my best to capture a clip to share.

May you enjoy the zest for life and learning all babies bring to this world, and find your moments of less discomfort and hidden blessings. Aho.

Almost there.

So I’m inching closer to baby being here, and doing my best to inch closer to being done with room construction.

Last Tuesday I spent all day long- 5:30 am to about 7:30 pm completing the majority of the electrical needs for the new rooms. Anger, worry, and frustration got me started so early, and pure determination kept me moving.

I ran a new line for the 5 sockets/recepticals on the new wall, and used an existing line to split off for 3 new light fixtures & 2 other recepticals. With all of our low amp gadgets and toys these days, I figured the 20amp lines would do OK with those additions, especially since the light fixtures now have LED bulbs. The new line still needs set into the breaker box, and the ceiling fan (1 of the 3 fixtures) needs mounted, but everything else is complete.

The next step was to start installing panelling. Nathan started that and Hannah did her best to help, but neither had done it before, so there were some cutting errors. So last night I did my best to solve the errors to avoid needing to replace panels, and after a brief melt-down, managed to do so. We then proceeded to finish panelling the wall & Hannah and Nathan placed 2 panels in the kids room. Things are moving along.

All that’s left to call our master bedroom (2nd master for the house now) complete is to hang 2 panels, install the ceiling fan, mount all the trim, & hang a door (or 2) in the wide doorway. Nathan & Hannah said they’d try to get trim down today, & since I work all day ( until about 7:30pm), that’s a good thing. Whatever they don’t get to, I will get another chance Monday evening.

I will again have all day Tuesday as well, so perhaps we’ll be able to finish everything for real this time. If not, we at least have enough that we can set-up for birth & baby.

I am sooo looking forward to normal and calm returning. I have found a new level of functional exhausted that I previously thought was impossible; having had periods of functional exhausted several times in my life I thought I’d already experienced my limits. Yet, this time I have a more finite time frame to exist in this manner, and knowing the end is near and time off will be available, I keep persisting. All will pay off soon.

And now for the pictures…

Last view I showed in my previous post:

Hannah assembling our new bed… Nathan helped but stopped to snap a pic.:

Panelling in progress, with electrical already in place (apparently no one snapped a picture of me doing the electrical, or the end result):

Pregnant Me hanging panels:

New wall panels completed (outside & inside):

The dusty dingy look is the sawdust on the panels & it’ll wash of easily. It looks great & will look perfect once trim is up over cracks & ceiling/floor borders.

I will have something pretty for the first time in 2 years and I’ll have running water again. I honestly owe it to my personal faith in god and working with the Shiva & KaliMa archetypes these last 2 years. I asked for help in making things pretty again and the divine is doing just that. I’m ever so grateful. Everything is going to be OK and life is improving. Thank you. Siva hir su.

You’re safer than they want you to think.

I’ve made the mistake of watching the news several times this week, and it’s made me fairly livid at least a couples of times.

I’m totally over all of the scare tactics, and news articles that are essentially scary commercials for drugs. Furthermore. It’s not brand specific, I only ever watch FOX by others’ choices, but I’ve seen ABC, NBC, CBS, and CNN on my own accord this week, all with similar results.

So far this flu season Nation-Wide:

A total of 20 influenza-associated pediatric deaths have been reported for the 2017-2018 season. See here.

7% of all deaths that occurred during the week ending December 23 were due to pneumonia and influenza. This is above the rate considered normal for this period… see here (though just barely by the charts and graphs available on the CDC page)

That’s out of 60,161  reported cases. 

That’s not even considering the many hundreds of thousands of unreported cases because people didn’t choose to go to their doctor and get tested to confirm it was flu. 

Keep in mind my one facility had 2 viral runs, either or both of which, could have been flu, but neither was tested for confirmation. Beyond that online office visits are now on the rise, and none of those include testing for viral confirmation. Furthermore, the last time I did need to go in to a doctor for being sick they treated based upon symptoms skipping the test to save time and save me money. This time I, like many thousands of people, chose to stay home and treat with over the counter options. So let’s assume that one in two people took the test to find out it was indeed a flu strain (probably a gross underestimation), then that 7% death toll is actually 3.5%; though it’s worded “of all deaths” reported to the CDC for that week, so potentially it’s still off but just considering that deaths in homes or accidents would not be tabulated, for quite some time really. Essentially the 7% would only be those people that died of disease in a hospital, as those are the only numbers that are reported in real time, so still not likely an accurate percentage for flu/pneumonia vs total population. We have not lost 7% of our population in the last month of influenza, not even close!

Lies, Damn Lies, and Statics.

Beyond that, have you noticed that every news story ends in a plug for the vaccine (which they’ve admitted is at best 30% effective-3rd year running) and Tamiflu, which still has much inconclusive data in world research governing bodies.

They’re trying to scare you into using your insurance or cold hard cash to spend on those products because people are wiseing up and refusing to waste their money on ineffective treatments (at best, hazardous at worst).

….

To prove a point:

40,200 people died in accidents involving motor vehicles in 2016 
Number of deaths for leading causes of death, 2015 final totals:

  • Heart disease: 633,842
  • Cancer: 595,930
  • Chronic lower respiratory diseases: 155,041
  • Accidents (unintentional injuries): 146,571
  • Stroke (cerebrovascular diseases): 140,323
  • Alzheimer’s disease: 110,561
  • Diabetes: 79,535
  • Influenza and Pneumonia: 57,062
  • Nephritis, nephrotic syndrome and nephrosis: 49,959
  • Intentional self-harm (suicide): 44,193



So essentially, you have just as much of a risk of dieing from a car accident or suicide as the flu. Furthermore, you are currently 10 times as likely to die of heart disease or cancer as any one of the other 3 causes. Not to mention 3 times as likely to die of other accidents/unintentional-injuries. However, how many flu-style-news-articles do you see in a week about car accidents, suicide victims, heart disease, or cancer? And yes those news articles do exist, but with far, far less frequency.

They want you to be afraid because it makes them more money than if you just paid attention to your own body and went in only when you needed treatment. The catch is don’t be one of the stupid ones that brushes it off a few days too long, ignores the wheezing too long, or allows themselves to be overly dehydrated and under nourished while fighting off a simple illness- those are really the causes of dieing from the flu. Well treated, well rested, well hydrated, well nourished people that allow their bodies down time to heal- very, very rarely die from something like the flu. It’s not impossible, but your risks in that situation are miniscule. Be reasonable, and be responsible for yourself and you’re likely to be just fine in a few days

This brings me to my final thoughts.

I spend nearly all of my waking time these days working with people that have made it into their 80’s, 90’s, and 100’s. No short supply of them either, a whole generation made it through the myriad of scary life ending possibilities.
They are so old they no longer care to do anything but sleep, and many of them verbally wish to die. However, for whatever myriad of reasons they’re unable to relax into a peaceful accepting place to go home to God. They sit miserable day after day, when we as staff are doing our level best to improve their quality of life. I’ve discovered that quality of life is really dependent upon what an individual wants and desires, and all my efforts are futile when the cared for can’t even tell me what their wants and desires are. I want to help, but can’t because I have no idea what’s going on in their minds due to lack of communication (mostly a very conscious choice, very few of my people are truly unable to communicate).
So, then I wonder, would it really be that awful if someone allowed themselves to succumb to flu, or heart disease, or cancer, or the myriad of other ways that one could die. It would eliminate the self induced misery they experience daily. My wish is for everyone to be happy and at peace, and if going home to god is the only way you’ll allow that to happen, then maybe it’s time to do just that, in whatever way possible.
Beyond that, even when speaking of younger people, who’s to say that a person’s death isn’t needed or planned on the divine level. Our mortal brains are simply unable to comprehend beyond our own limited view and knowledge. My personal opinion is that many of the life end battles people (young or old) go through might just be futility in the first place; and why waste the time, effort, energy, and often risk of severe pain, just to end up dead anyway. I personally think your conversation with god is worth more than any drug on the planet when it comes to living vs dieing.
That being said, if I’d truly thrown  in the towel with my depression, I’d have died years ago. The difference is I knew, deep down, that I needed to find the solution and figure out how to live happily. There was a small part of me that knew I wasn’t done, and that tiny voice kept me trying. I think that tiny voice was the smallest shred of my connection to god, and I’m glad I listened.
So how does one threatened with a deadly disease tell the difference? Only that person would know and be able to tell. If someone knows it’s their time, we should not be ones to argue. They simply must listen for their own inner knowing, that small voice of certainty. That is what really matters in life or death battles. That is the difference that’s needed to tell if a battle even needs fought. And if the answer is fight, then fight with all you’ve got, but keep listening to the little voice, it’ll give you the answers to make the fight just a bit easier. If the answer is relax and go with whatever god chooses, then do that. I think our current society is being called to return to listening to our inner voice in all ways, even when well meaning people want to offer “solutions” to what they see as your “problem”. Our inner voice is the only thing that can really tell us those things to reduce pain and suffering.
Of course, this is all my opinion and speculation. I’m certain the medical establishment would argue with me (especially since I work in it), so take my words with a grain of salt. I just hope you find your own knowing and the resulting peace it brings. One day we’ll all treat only what needs treated, and support all the rest with trust in the divine energy that pervades everything.