Tag Archives: confusion

Undecided

I’m feeling the need to write one single solitary post that is a lie. I never lie about anything in a serious lengthy sort of way, even white lies have been trained out of me mostly (by work and my mom).

It is partly because of the whole law of attraction thing and it is something I would like to happen. But more it is my intuition saying it is needed.

It has to do with the whole Divine Masculine thing that I have been trying to sort out for myself for ages. It also has to do with family dynamics and something that came up for me in proximity to my Connecticut trip. It’s still confusing to me and so I’ve pushed this thought away several times.

I told Nathan and he knows me so well that he was cornering me with “Are you sure? That’s not really something that you do.”

I told him I’m not sure and that’s why I haven’t done it yet. But, if it helps, I’m all for something that helps. It’s one of those moments where I’ve been trained so well not to lie that it seems wrong, but usually intuition moments for me are completely accurate. The two are not syncing up properly.

Obviously because of the message behind this moment, I’m not going to discuss what root topic is needing this lie post. Can’t spoil the potential results by giving it away ahead of time. And I’m not sure if it will even work. I’m also not sure when or if, I’ll be able to bring myself to complete such task. I’ve already put this off for several months, it may be a couple of more before I manage it.

It’s quite the conundrum.

What would you do if you felt like you were being asked by the other side to lie about something near to your heart?

May you have easy moments of intuition. May you always know exactly what to do and how to do it and why it is requested of you. May you always be comfortable with messages based on your intuition. Above all may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

ESP confusion

I’m feeling anxiety. I’m feeling extreme heaviness. I’m feeling ALL of the energetic connections that I have ever felt the last few years: left and right of heart center, solar plexius, back of my right shoulder, stomach, even lesser transient spots. They are all active at once, in a comes and goes sort of way.

Every time I meditate I experience some relief, but it’s followed by extreme fatigue. At one point meditation actually felt like it made matters worse, and my heart started racing and I felt panicky.

I’ve oscillated between feeling like I’m having thyroid rushes and knowing I’m getting psychic input.

If it were thyroid spikes they would be more consistent and less swingy. My thyroid has spiked in the past and it has always been a gradual peak from over-medication and then gradually leveling out when dose was reduced. Plus, the anxiety was always accompanied by heat rash and hot flashes. This is not, and I’m not taking any meds for my thyroid right now, and I’ve been good to stay away from food allergies for over a week now.

The other thing that tells me it’s input from others is that my body keeps going into self-protection. The last wave being so intense that my traps seized up and gave me an instant headache. I told Nathan I felt like my head was going to explode. He was driving me from the clinic to one of my elderly home visits and asked what to do. I just told him to help me get my day over with.

Yet there have been moments where I felt the touches and sensations of caresses and kisses like I used to get with SJ. Some of those moments feel wonderful. One of the meditations I did actually helped every muscle in my body relax and bones popped back into place. But that came with visualizations of one of the someones that has rejected me, so that confused matters even more for me. Especially when I very clearly heard “I’m coming for you.” Not in a sinister way, but as like the Knight coming to rescue me.

I want to understand, but feel like I’m more confused than ever. When I am not in the midst of one of these moments I’m cold almost to shivers like an extreme thyroid fall-off. It’s like whatever is happening is literally draining all of my energy for normal functioning. I’ve literally fallen asleep every time I sit still for more than 10 min.

Trying to be patient and wait for clarity. Still hiding and not talking to anyone unless necessary or benign.

May you understand your gifts and interpret input easily. May you feel loved, accepted, and supported. May you know the messages you feel. May God help you through confusion and trying times.

Siva Hir Su

Screaming or Cowbell?

So my weeks have been very busy. I’ve been in constant motion for nearly a month, having only had one day with any notable downtime. It’s not all been working, but a vast majority of it has been.

I’ve made strides to put my puzzle back together. Right now, with the help of wonderful friends; I have diet, supplements, exercise, and sleep mostly worked out and staying together. Also, I am getting a little bit of meaningful social interaction through staying with those good friends (though I sometimes apparently overly worry about being a nuisance and outstaying my welcome), and I feel like I could benefit from more socializing, if only there were a few more hours in my week, The one thing I am still lacking is enough quality light, but with 4.5 out of 6 puzzle pieces, I’m hanging in fairly well. Some Days better than others.

This last week, Tuesday was all about our weekly shopping and errands because between everything else it was the only opportunity. All day with a cranky toddler bouncing stores was difficult, but manageable. One of the stops was a friend’s house where I bestowed helpful gifts to her and she returned the favor by bestowing Nathan with a bunch of photography equipment. It made his day.

Wednesday was the icing on the cake. It was a fit-it-in the best-we-could, trip to visit my parents and brother in Iowa. One which was filled with little Ian being as cranky as he could be; hard for a 3 hour drive. At one point he saw a cow-bell that had been tucked under the seat since last Halloween, over a year ago. After screaming at his sister several times that he wanted it, I said “Just give him the damn cow-bell, it’s cow-bell or screaming, and I’m sick of the screaming.” So then we had several periods of cow-bell filled driving throughout the day, I’m not sure it was the best choice, but still a notch better than screaming.

We had lunch and a couple of hours of visiting with my dad, where upon he bestowed more gifts. I’m very appreciative of them because they were things I’d wanted but not been able to obtain myself. Additionally they represented confirmation of my most recent request for a physical manifestation that things were moving. I needed physical evidence of what I thought I’d been getting through my various messages. Dad’s gifts, and even the photo equipment from our friend, were definitely that, they were things we’d asked for and the universe just plunked them down into our experience. It was nice to have a physical manifestation of our process, and expressing gratitude over that was nice. I look forward to the rest of the journey now that I have some validation of what I’ve been seeing.

After visiting with dad we drove about 40 min further to see my mom and younger brother for dinner at an in-between-spot for everyone. It too was a nice visit. None of my family has the ability to host any of our visits, and we have equal inability to host any one of them visiting, so a few hours in a restaurant is as good as it gets. Yet it was good quality time.

The one thing that left me shaking my head is that both parents very clearly stated they were ready to check out, exit this experience, and croak. The both seemed very intent on making sure that I knew that and that they intended to be as little burden as possible. I found myself asking Nathan on the way home “Why on earth did my parents both tell me that? Isn’t it bad enough that I play energetic-grim-reaper with nursing-home-peeps all the time? Why do they have to express a desire to check out, to me? It’s like they asked me in as close of muggle vocabulary as they have, to help them check out – energetically, and I’m not sure how I feel about that.” Nathan replied with something like: at least they respect me enough to want to eliminate being a burden, and that they on some level honor and respect my abilities. I suppose, it’s just really strange, and I know I’ll miss them. Despite the strife in our family over the last decade, I will still miss my parents when they are gone. I suppose it just is.

I told God that I respected their choice to want to exit early, swiftly, and gracefully, and asked for divine assistance on that one. I can still send energy their way from afar, but I’d rather leave that one up to the divine. This is one instance where I’m personally not seeing the immediate benefit of someone relaxing into their croaking experience. I’m sure there is one, I just don’t see it, so I question whether or not my abilities would be helpful in this situation. Yet, I’ve told the divine I’ll do whatever is needed of me, and if that means zap my parents with Reiki then that’s what I’ll do. Just waiting on confirmation of that from the divine.

Any-who, beyond that I’ve worked a lot, gotten my bare minimums of exercise, and done my best to increase sleep. I think baby is wanting me to sleep 9 hours a night, but most nights I manage about 8. It means I constantly feel draggy, but functional. No naps, and not nearly enough caffeine to make up the difference. Yet, it is enough that I pulled out of the depression nose-dive I was in for a couple of weeks there.

I still think about my online boy. One of the friends that I have stayed with gave me an interesting perspective on the situation calling him a tantric twin, which is apparently very similar to, but not exactly the same as twin flame. I told her if that’s the case then I, Nathan and him are at least triplets, and being that I’ve had thoughts of another woman in the same energetic vicinity, there could be quadruplets. She laughed and said it’s entirely possible. Regardless she had some helpful thoughts on why I can’t let go of him despite the lack of communication, and offered some suggestions for me to try. The goal at the moment is that I’ve taken easy access off of my phone, and to that end I’ve been doing more guided meditations, mantras, and asking for my dreams to provide guidance. I know my mood is better and I’m more hopeful, than when I was constantly checking in and realizing he wasn’t going to respond.

It also seems like the divine does want something to come of it. I say this because of this:

IMG_20171117_121425_01

For work Thursday morning I went to look up Daily Devotionals for our morning devotional reading, knowing the residents were finding my droning voice unappealing. I literally typed Daily Devotional into the YouTube search bar on the work computer which I’ve never, ever, logged into using my personal information. It’s a generic computer that no-one logs into.  The top 7 results included what you see here. The first 3 were christian devotionals, exactly what I had aimed to find to appease residents. Then 2 were Shiva devotionals, more what I would prefer; but then I noticed one of the 2 was in Telugu. That’s the language I’d started learning just for the online man,  knowing that learning another’s language efficiently expresses how much you care about them. The bottom video on the list was Depeche Mode’s “Devotional” performance. As I listened to the first few minuets of that, I realized they were all songs that I had already associated with him. Additionally this was all after I had already seen visual messages telling me something was up with him.

I was left dumbfounded and questioning what I needed to take away from these experiences. Between my conversation with my friend, and my visual and video messages, I knew the divine was trying to tell me something significant. Yet again I found myself saying WTF? What are you trying to tell me.

Last night I said tell me in my dreams. Tell me about the near future. I dreamt of him, nothing else. I got to hear from him, and see him, and I was super happy about it, but his expression remained stoic. On the way to work I though about it. My conclusion was that it was one of two things, based on having experienced the reactions of others. My first thought was that he was playing the poker face, attempting to cover his true reactions to hide from the ramifications of what his reactions would mean. My second thought was the stoic face of melancholy depression, one that I fought years to learn how to hide behind a false smile. Either way my dream did not really provide any clarity for my messages the days before. I suppose that this is yet another notch on the patiently wait and see.

Regardless, that constant motion in my life continues, and now is no different. Off to find my sofa for the night and crash. A very tired, yet optimistic Treasa, hoping that perhaps the gaps in my understanding will find clarity on this night, both with my parents and with the boy. Regardless I still send love, it’s all I can do for now.

Who’s Katie, or Kate? 

So today was about celebrating little Ian’s 3rd birthday,  all-be-it a bit late.  I worked this week,  so today was my 1st day off after his birthday.

It’s been weird,  hot cranky tired has somehow made us all a bit off, and tried to sap the fun,  but I think Ian has made the best of it anyway. That’s him & Anya on a bounce house slide at a place called fun run,  really a giant indoor playground. 

I went to find drinks,  & when I pulled out change from a previous purchase I noticed this: 

Normally I’d be like “oh cute, someone wrote their name on their money”. It does happen very, very occasionally. 

However,  this time it’s the name that got me. I’d already been seeing hundreds of references to Kate or Katie including K8’s & KT’s.

Somehow it’s like someone (or God?) really, really wants me to see that name.

So, why? Who’s Kate or Katie? Why is it important for me? What place does this name have in my experience? Is it reference to a thing instead maybe, like how cars and boats get named after people? 

I’ve tried to wrack my brain trying to come up with someone I might have worked with,  a deceased resident perhaps,  but the only Katie resident I can think of is still alive as far as I’m aware. I’m drawing a blank on anyone with that name that might be deceased,  and the only living Katies I can think of are not very close to me,  mere acquaintances.

So, I’m stuck. Maybe some clarity will come eventually, or maybe it’s a new person to expect to meet. I’m not sure,  but for now I just keep saying “thank you,  but I still don’t understand”. Now to decide whether I hold onto this bill as validation material,  or go ahead & spend it since I took a picture! 
& Just because I’ve been letting my brain have so much fun,  I thought you’d like this… it’s a building down the street from fun run…. & my 13-year-old self thinks it’s hilarious! Hahahahaha!

Ummmmm, yeah, it’s like that.

Another intense day to round out the week. It was HOT- 97*, though it felt like more. They have estimated that it might break 100* this weekend. Blah. Otherwise it was beautiful: bright, sunny, cloudless sky. Pretty flowers in full bloom everywhere. It was a work day for me, so I spent the day driving through Johnson County with perfectly manicured lawns and gardens, trees and shrubs.

The energy and messages flowed greatly. I felt very connected today. It was darn near blissful at several points. I don’t really know how to describe it fully, as I feel it through my whole body. Blissful, orgasmic, and intense seem to be the best descriptors. Regardless, everything went very well, and I even got to meditate over lunch. Even my meditation was intensely wonderful today.

On my drive into work I replayed the conversation (from yesterday) I had with the therapist relinquishing a building to me. It’s the new work to be had shortly. Basically, she confessed that I was the only therapist that she was able to come up with that was familiar with elder care. She said that she used to know 2 other ladies that did elder massage, but that they had retired. I also said that I had only known of a couple of other therapists doing a significant amount of elder care, but never actually met them, so I guessed she might have been one of them. Her concern was finding someone that actually knew the environment, how to work with the residents and what to expect and look for.  She essentially did a short phone interview with me to ensure that was the case. We talked about which buildings I go to, how I function, and what I charge. It was a good conversation.

Anyway, upon replay I realized that essentially what this conversation means is that when she has fully relinquished the building to me, I will have a monopoly on Elder Care in the Kansas City Metro Region. That is to say, I will be the only massage therapist that solely provides elder care massage as my whole business. I’m sure that there are a handful which see one or 2 people in the environment which I work, therapists always make exceptions for their favorite people. However, most therapists do those exceptions on the side as extra income above and beyond their “stable” office environment (be it chiro, spa, or stand alone).

Now, on one hand that’s awesome. At one point I commented to someone that it would be great if I had “all” of the buildings and was as busy as I could handle making a decent living. So this is literally a somewhat delayed manifestation of that.

On the other hand, “all of the buildings”, is not really all the buildings. There are many buildings that choose not to get involved in facilitating a connection between resident and therapist. You see, massage is still not considered medicine, and is barely gaining ground as Complimentary Alternative Medicine. So, it’s not covered, at all, hardly ever. Out of the approximately 30 well established buildings in the metro, there’s only 6 that have bothered to directly facilitate introducing therapists to the residents. There are only 2 of those that will actually intervene in the billing process, and only one of them for individual full weekly sessions. It’s just not worth their time, or at least as the corporate world perceives it. Furthermore, though insurance covering massage would dictate an exorbitant amount of paperwork, it would finally cause facilities to acknowledge it’s usefulness.

So, ultimately I end up contemplating the long term ramifications of this. It’s what I do. I see a work situation where there are 2 sides and I have to decide which side I want to invest time into.

So, I could take this building, add it to my schedule and proceed as she did, essentially just adding a few hours of work to my week, and call it done.

Or, I could pursue the aforementioned problem of buildings not dealing with massage and potentially create a situation where I would need to train  others and figure out the logistics of sub-contractors (short-term) and/or employees (long-term). Depending on the building environment, if I was able to convince others to be more on board, I might even then need someone to do paperwork/invoicing/client files, or some data system to automate it.

Essentially, I would have to market to buildings again from the stand point of this is why you should facilitate massage- of which the list is great in elder care. I have plenty of reasons why it’s a good thing not just for the resident, but also for the building itself. I would be educating the buildings on things I’ve facilitated in the past, which might even open up opportunities to do Continuing Ed with the staff (I’d need to pay NCBTMB extra to be able to do that in an official capacity).

Then I would probably have to interface with all of the massage schools in the metro to see if their elder care course was up to snuff to produce valid candidates for sub-contracting/employment. PROBABLY NOT, I went to a great massage school in Iowa, and it still didn’t cover elder care massage adequately, their course was mostly about meds, diseases that typically are seen in elderly, and the 3 basics: no heat, ice, or deep pressure. That’s all good information, but I learned so many things on the job, it’s not even funny. For instance, carrying around my table lasted all of a week before I realized it was more of a liability than a benefit, and I have probably at least a hundred examples similar to that.

Though I like the ramifications of success that come with the latter scenario, there’s part of me that likes the more laid back, mellow, lower stress of the former. Either way, I’m appreciating in myself the credence, insight, awareness, and trustworthiness that I’ve gained working in the environment. Nathan too, pointed out that I am proficient at what I do, professional with everyone, and experienced, which gives people a sense of confidence in my abilities. That definitely goes a long ways.  Essentially, I have mastered my current trade. I like acknowledging that I have mastered what I do. I also like knowing that I could potentially build what I do into a larger business with several staff members.

However, I’m not so sure that even on a larger scale that it would be profitable enough to make all the work worthwhile. Unfortunately, until people recognize all the myriad of benefits of massage as being very valid in a medical setting, and additionally eliminate the association between dollar and minute, massage will not be a very profitable endeavor. The only businesses that make money off of massage are paying their therapists like crap ($10-15/hr), and I refuse to do that, which means my profits would be slimmer. So I’d have a heavy labor intensive route to make a very little money. That is very counter to how I even got into elder care in the first place. I’ve not convinced myself it’s worth it yet.

However, I’ve not shut the door on that possibility either. I would love to see massage more widely accepted and less about dollar per minute, but to do that someone has to do the dirty work that I’ve described. In an ideal world I see massage billed to insurance just like a doctor or chiropractor. Fees based upon area(s) worked. A chiropractor bills insurance (or even cash visits) based upon how many adjustments were done, the more adjustments, the more expensive. There’s no reason a massage can’t be charged the same way.

There are residents I work with that I could do everything 10 times over and still not make an hours time because they are simply so frail and fragile that I can’t focus that intensely on their muscle tone. Those residents still get a full head to toe massage, they still get a full head to toe Reiki treatment, but I would be hard pressed to meet an hour. Additionally, they still benefit, their mood still shows improvement, their blood pressures stay lower, edema swelling is kept at bay, and they get enough movement to help stave off skin tears and bed sores. My job has been done, and done well, regardless if I’ve spent exactly 60 minutes rubbing them.

One the other hand I have had residents that an hour is simply not enough. Be it their particular health situation, perhaps their physical size, their mobility limitations necessitating extra help, and even situations involving anxiety or other mood disturbances. I once had a resident that I invested two and a half hours attempting to just get a fairly decent head to toe massage. At the end of that time I gave up with about 3/4 having been done, knowing that I would still only get paid for one hour.

For you see: massage is, even with elderly, defined as hands-on time only is paid by the hour. Whatever your rate is by the hour, is paid only based upon the time your had hands on the client. I have fought that very issue the whole 4+ years I’ve been in elder care. I don’t get paid for wandering a building trying to track people down. I don’t get paid waiting for Nurses’ Aids to accommodate someone’s mobility or restroom needs. I don’t get paid for redirecting their Dad’s/Grandpa’s verbal lapses and questionable activities. I don’t get paid for keeping loved ones from falling out of chairs or beds, or answering anxious cries for help. I don’t get paid for waiting for housekeeping, or the salon, or any one of several other therapy sessions to wrap up so that I can get my session in (being lowest on the totem pole), and I sure as heck don’t get paid for my drive time or expenses. Yet families still complain about my $40 whole visit or $20 half visit charge as being too vague because: grandma said she didn’t get all of her hour, or mom doesn’t even remember you coming, or that seems awfully pricey for such a short massage. Never mind, I travel to them, they never have to worry about expensive or inconvenient transportation scheduling.  I schedule around ALL of their other needs, even playing bridge with the girls. I bend over backwards to make sure that they are as comfortable as possible, and I limit needing to adjust or re-position them as much as possible, which often means fetching blankets and pillows and navigating any one of a number of different automatic beds or recliners. I’ve combed hair, cleaned faces and hands, I’ve helped Aids do their jobs, and I have fetched things for residents thousands of times, including drinks and food.

Now, I don’t say this to just complain about those aspects. I say this to point out the elephant in the room. That massage is billed at the “expensive” rates that it is because there are always behind the scenes things that would otherwise be “working for free”. Or, overhead would be uncovered, and businesses would fail repeatedly. I actually have the lowest fees of anyone in the metro. Perhaps that is how I slowly gained the monopoly. And I did it by eliminating as much as possible, cutting corners on my side where I could, and otherwise just eating the bullet knowing that I put in 36 to 48 hours a week and usually actually see pay for roughly half that. If it weren’t for the trade I do for my tax accountant, I probably would have failed years ago. Her skills with my tax return have ensured that I always remain afloat, just to make sure that other peoples’ dear ones are well cared for. That is my mission in life.

I have said millions of times over, my goal is always that the person I’m working with feels better when I leave than when I walked in and I always do my best to make that happen. Sometimes it is futility in action, sometimes it is an ever so short span of relief, but if I can even provide a little relief from the discomforts of aging, then I have done my job well. Now, I can say that I know this to have been true for the last 4 years, because I am the only therapist left standing. I’m the only one that had the fortitude, the knowledge, the strength (mentally and emotionally), and the stamina to keep going and keep helping when the odds were stacked against me. I managed to keep my costs down to encourage as many people to get massage as possible. I managed to learn quickly, stay focused, and help educate families and staff on the importance of massage. I’ve given talks, I’ve done free events, I’ve shaken thousands of hands, and I’ve given helpful advice when and where I could. All of that work has finally paid off, if not financially, at least metaphorically. I am the standard of care in Elder Care massage for the Kansas City Metro area. I am the only one left to turn to for advice, counsel, or appointments. So, I have to decide if it will end with me when I retire from massage, or if I will attempt to grow a business that will potentially not only keep Elder Massage going, but possibly gain better footing for the field and create expansion.

And all when I thought I was going to have some miracle allow me to move to Colorado and build Atira. Could life get any more confusing? Don’t answer that Universe! Maybe there’s a both answer lying in there for me somewhere…. I always have liked BOTH answers.