Tag Archives: confusion

ESP confusion

I’m feeling anxiety. I’m feeling extreme heaviness. I’m feeling ALL of the energetic connections that I have ever felt the last few years: left and right of heart center, solar plexius, back of my right shoulder, stomach, even lesser transient spots. They are all active at once, in a comes and goes sort of way.

Every time I meditate I experience some relief, but it’s followed by extreme fatigue. At one point meditation actually felt like it made matters worse, and my heart started racing and I felt panicky.

I’ve oscillated between feeling like I’m having thyroid rushes and knowing I’m getting psychic input.

If it were thyroid spikes they would be more consistent and less swingy. My thyroid has spiked in the past and it has always been a gradual peak from over-medication and then gradually leveling out when dose was reduced. Plus, the anxiety was always accompanied by heat rash and hot flashes. This is not, and I’m not taking any meds for my thyroid right now, and I’ve been good to stay away from food allergies for over a week now.

The other thing that tells me it’s input from others is that my body keeps going into self-protection. The last wave being so intense that my traps seized up and gave me an instant headache. I told Nathan I felt like my head was going to explode. He was driving me from the clinic to one of my elderly home visits and asked what to do. I just told him to help me get my day over with.

Yet there have been moments where I felt the touches and sensations of caresses and kisses like I used to get with SJ. Some of those moments feel wonderful. One of the meditations I did actually helped every muscle in my body relax and bones popped back into place. But that came with visualizations of one of the someones that has rejected me, so that confused matters even more for me. Especially when I very clearly heard “I’m coming for you.” Not in a sinister way, but as like the Knight coming to rescue me.

I want to understand, but feel like I’m more confused than ever. When I am not in the midst of one of these moments I’m cold almost to shivers like an extreme thyroid fall-off. It’s like whatever is happening is literally draining all of my energy for normal functioning. I’ve literally fallen asleep every time I sit still for more than 10 min.

Trying to be patient and wait for clarity. Still hiding and not talking to anyone unless necessary or benign.

May you understand your gifts and interpret input easily. May you feel loved, accepted, and supported. May you know the messages you feel. May God help you through confusion and trying times.

Siva Hir Su

Screaming or Cowbell?

So my weeks have been very busy. I’ve been in constant motion for nearly a month, having only had one day with any notable downtime. It’s not all been working, but a vast majority of it has been.

I’ve made strides to put my puzzle back together. Right now, with the help of wonderful friends; I have diet, supplements, exercise, and sleep mostly worked out and staying together. Also, I am getting a little bit of meaningful social interaction through staying with those good friends (though I sometimes apparently overly worry about being a nuisance and outstaying my welcome), and I feel like I could benefit from more socializing, if only there were a few more hours in my week, The one thing I am still lacking is enough quality light, but with 4.5 out of 6 puzzle pieces, I’m hanging in fairly well. Some Days better than others.

This last week, Tuesday was all about our weekly shopping and errands because between everything else it was the only opportunity. All day with a cranky toddler bouncing stores was difficult, but manageable. One of the stops was a friend’s house where I bestowed helpful gifts to her and she returned the favor by bestowing Nathan with a bunch of photography equipment. It made his day.

Wednesday was the icing on the cake. It was a fit-it-in the best-we-could, trip to visit my parents and brother in Iowa. One which was filled with little Ian being as cranky as he could be; hard for a 3 hour drive. At one point he saw a cow-bell that had been tucked under the seat since last Halloween, over a year ago. After screaming at his sister several times that he wanted it, I said “Just give him the damn cow-bell, it’s cow-bell or screaming, and I’m sick of the screaming.” So then we had several periods of cow-bell filled driving throughout the day, I’m not sure it was the best choice, but still a notch better than screaming.

We had lunch and a couple of hours of visiting with my dad, where upon he bestowed more gifts. I’m very appreciative of them because they were things I’d wanted but not been able to obtain myself. Additionally they represented confirmation of my most recent request for a physical manifestation that things were moving. I needed physical evidence of what I thought I’d been getting through my various messages. Dad’s gifts, and even the photo equipment from our friend, were definitely that, they were things we’d asked for and the universe just plunked them down into our experience. It was nice to have a physical manifestation of our process, and expressing gratitude over that was nice. I look forward to the rest of the journey now that I have some validation of what I’ve been seeing.

After visiting with dad we drove about 40 min further to see my mom and younger brother for dinner at an in-between-spot for everyone. It too was a nice visit. None of my family has the ability to host any of our visits, and we have equal inability to host any one of them visiting, so a few hours in a restaurant is as good as it gets. Yet it was good quality time.

The one thing that left me shaking my head is that both parents very clearly stated they were ready to check out, exit this experience, and croak. The both seemed very intent on making sure that I knew that and that they intended to be as little burden as possible. I found myself asking Nathan on the way home “Why on earth did my parents both tell me that? Isn’t it bad enough that I play energetic-grim-reaper with nursing-home-peeps all the time? Why do they have to express a desire to check out, to me? It’s like they asked me in as close of muggle vocabulary as they have, to help them check out – energetically, and I’m not sure how I feel about that.” Nathan replied with something like: at least they respect me enough to want to eliminate being a burden, and that they on some level honor and respect my abilities. I suppose, it’s just really strange, and I know I’ll miss them. Despite the strife in our family over the last decade, I will still miss my parents when they are gone. I suppose it just is.

I told God that I respected their choice to want to exit early, swiftly, and gracefully, and asked for divine assistance on that one. I can still send energy their way from afar, but I’d rather leave that one up to the divine. This is one instance where I’m personally not seeing the immediate benefit of someone relaxing into their croaking experience. I’m sure there is one, I just don’t see it, so I question whether or not my abilities would be helpful in this situation. Yet, I’ve told the divine I’ll do whatever is needed of me, and if that means zap my parents with Reiki then that’s what I’ll do. Just waiting on confirmation of that from the divine.

Any-who, beyond that I’ve worked a lot, gotten my bare minimums of exercise, and done my best to increase sleep. I think baby is wanting me to sleep 9 hours a night, but most nights I manage about 8. It means I constantly feel draggy, but functional. No naps, and not nearly enough caffeine to make up the difference. Yet, it is enough that I pulled out of the depression nose-dive I was in for a couple of weeks there.

I still think about my online boy. One of the friends that I have stayed with gave me an interesting perspective on the situation calling him a tantric twin, which is apparently very similar to, but not exactly the same as twin flame. I told her if that’s the case then I, Nathan and him are at least triplets, and being that I’ve had thoughts of another woman in the same energetic vicinity, there could be quadruplets. She laughed and said it’s entirely possible. Regardless she had some helpful thoughts on why I can’t let go of him despite the lack of communication, and offered some suggestions for me to try. The goal at the moment is that I’ve taken easy access off of my phone, and to that end I’ve been doing more guided meditations, mantras, and asking for my dreams to provide guidance. I know my mood is better and I’m more hopeful, than when I was constantly checking in and realizing he wasn’t going to respond.

It also seems like the divine does want something to come of it. I say this because of this:

IMG_20171117_121425_01

For work Thursday morning I went to look up Daily Devotionals for our morning devotional reading, knowing the residents were finding my droning voice unappealing. I literally typed Daily Devotional into the YouTube search bar on the work computer which I’ve never, ever, logged into using my personal information. It’s a generic computer that no-one logs into.  The top 7 results included what you see here. The first 3 were christian devotionals, exactly what I had aimed to find to appease residents. Then 2 were Shiva devotionals, more what I would prefer; but then I noticed one of the 2 was in Telugu. That’s the language I’d started learning just for the online man,  knowing that learning another’s language efficiently expresses how much you care about them. The bottom video on the list was Depeche Mode’s “Devotional” performance. As I listened to the first few minuets of that, I realized they were all songs that I had already associated with him. Additionally this was all after I had already seen visual messages telling me something was up with him.

I was left dumbfounded and questioning what I needed to take away from these experiences. Between my conversation with my friend, and my visual and video messages, I knew the divine was trying to tell me something significant. Yet again I found myself saying WTF? What are you trying to tell me.

Last night I said tell me in my dreams. Tell me about the near future. I dreamt of him, nothing else. I got to hear from him, and see him, and I was super happy about it, but his expression remained stoic. On the way to work I though about it. My conclusion was that it was one of two things, based on having experienced the reactions of others. My first thought was that he was playing the poker face, attempting to cover his true reactions to hide from the ramifications of what his reactions would mean. My second thought was the stoic face of melancholy depression, one that I fought years to learn how to hide behind a false smile. Either way my dream did not really provide any clarity for my messages the days before. I suppose that this is yet another notch on the patiently wait and see.

Regardless, that constant motion in my life continues, and now is no different. Off to find my sofa for the night and crash. A very tired, yet optimistic Treasa, hoping that perhaps the gaps in my understanding will find clarity on this night, both with my parents and with the boy. Regardless I still send love, it’s all I can do for now.

Who’s Katie, or Kate? 

So today was about celebrating little Ian’s 3rd birthday,  all-be-it a bit late.  I worked this week,  so today was my 1st day off after his birthday.

It’s been weird,  hot cranky tired has somehow made us all a bit off, and tried to sap the fun,  but I think Ian has made the best of it anyway. That’s him & Anya on a bounce house slide at a place called fun run,  really a giant indoor playground. 

I went to find drinks,  & when I pulled out change from a previous purchase I noticed this: 

Normally I’d be like “oh cute, someone wrote their name on their money”. It does happen very, very occasionally. 

However,  this time it’s the name that got me. I’d already been seeing hundreds of references to Kate or Katie including K8’s & KT’s.

Somehow it’s like someone (or God?) really, really wants me to see that name.

So, why? Who’s Kate or Katie? Why is it important for me? What place does this name have in my experience? Is it reference to a thing instead maybe, like how cars and boats get named after people? 

I’ve tried to wrack my brain trying to come up with someone I might have worked with,  a deceased resident perhaps,  but the only Katie resident I can think of is still alive as far as I’m aware. I’m drawing a blank on anyone with that name that might be deceased,  and the only living Katies I can think of are not very close to me,  mere acquaintances.

So, I’m stuck. Maybe some clarity will come eventually, or maybe it’s a new person to expect to meet. I’m not sure,  but for now I just keep saying “thank you,  but I still don’t understand”. Now to decide whether I hold onto this bill as validation material,  or go ahead & spend it since I took a picture! 
& Just because I’ve been letting my brain have so much fun,  I thought you’d like this… it’s a building down the street from fun run…. & my 13-year-old self thinks it’s hilarious! Hahahahaha!