My deepest desire Simply to return To my Self Before the toxic Took hold Before Toxic masculine Before Generations of Karmic debt Laden Dis-ease Before virus Swish-cheese organs Before Internal wars
To mesh with that Self In this Time, age, place Peaceful, Content, Healthy and happy To return To my Self My beautiful Venus Energy of divine Feminine Aeons of chaos Discord and turbulence Wars won Generations of Survivors Strong and beautiful Coursing through my veins Bringing that Strength Light Into my cells Healing all Helping improve The outer Manifestations Eventually Revealed Time and space Warped for Miraculous Healing Making my Self My now Experience Abundant Beauty and Strength For all to See Know Divine grace Unfolded Upon me Revealing What was already there Hidden As the treasure It is My beautiful Loving Goddess Self
May you love your inner being and allow it to flow enough for miraculous healing. May you love yourself as much as your Self does. May you feel your connection always. May you know you are where you need to be. May you know all of your experiences gave you wisdom to see more than meets the eye. May you cherish every bit of your self, your life, and your experiences.
You're here In me Warm and comforting A fire within Exciting Cells buzzing with sensations Fantom Touch Kiss Caress Lover's passion Builds Writhing In silent Solitary Expectation Your ghost Haunts In most beautiful ways Senses In overdrive Knowing divine Influences Connects Two No more Souls United A world apart When spirit Bridges Space and time Yours and mine A union Beyond Union Physically Absent Perpetually present Divine partnering Accepting of all of me My curves and edges uniqueness An extra sense Beyond usual perception Unusual openness Oneness with others too We're all connected And acceptance enables Amplified awareness Loves' limitlessness Beautifully complicated Worthwhile Infinite possibilities Family beyond imagine My heart feels Your masculine right Your feminine left And just below Someone So similar to me Anxiously Finding way Through a blend of both My ET 5D The parts of a whole Group My current 3D Center stage Excitement As I just know All are welcome All would get along With half a chance And a bit of positive focus I will have what I feel And I Feel great Divine Love Making Stirs Life As I feel Spirit into words Owls Confer Validation calls I know Soon My bodily sensations Will become Physical Manifestations Results Desires propulsion It must be so You're already here In me now I love you
May you sense your spiritual partners. May you be wholley accepting of divinely guided partners, even when they are fused with others beyond you (siblings, children, spouses, extended biological family, etc). May we all learn why God wants us to truly know and understand oneness and love for all. May you love freely and deeply regardless of labels or man-made constraints. May you know there is a reason for everything and a place for everyone. May you know you are here to experience this world for the divine, experience the divine for this world, and that your enjoyment of any moment bridges the gap between physical and spiritual. May you know that God loves you so much that you are supported in whatever you desire, especially loving relationships.
Beyond muscles, I thought it was appropriate terminology for linking together multiple elements of which one finds support, stabilization and overall functionality. That is why I chose to start my blog with that name today.
I have found myself pondering many things this week, and their link is me. They are all elements of my life that I string together into one functional cohesive whole, moving together for a greater good. They give me support through learning lessons and being able to see my own skills and progress. Without any one of them my metaphorical spinal column would collapse.
There was the strep throat, which once I got the PA to pull her head out of fraidy-cat and do her job, quickly began subsiding. It’s amazing how an antibiotic and Prednisone script when utilized properly for the appropriate disease works wonders. I went from not being able to eat or drink hardly at all for 2 solid days; to now I have a tiny tickle that makes me cough occasionally, and a couple rough patches in my throat that haven’t fully healed. I was less concerned about the lack of eating as I have already been eating minimally for a while. But the dehydration began to set in fast and by the time I actually saw the PA I’d already gotten chapped lips and my skin on my hands was cracking and peeling. If I’d have gone another day without enough water I’d have been wasting a hospital bed just because of lack of fluids. I’m just glad I got through to her and managed to get a proper solution.
During my short strep journey my mom visited. In fact it really was nearly the same 5 day stretch. She was not really concerned about catching what I had since we’d both had strep before. I love my mom. We had long talks about a lot of things. I really appreciate all the good things I gained from her. I realized that she has had a hard time fighting her own demons and that has left her feeling like she didn’t do right by me. I did my best to explain that there wasn’t anything she could have done differently and that though there are some things I’m still trying to change about myself- mostly from dad, and I truly appreciate all the good qualities I gleaned from her. She’s my mom and I love her.
While she was here she cuddled with kitties which I know made her miss her departed Rusty and Fuzzy. I miss those cats too sometimes. She also made friends with Zen. It was adorable.
She also spent many hours sitting on our porch swing watching birds and butterflies in our yard. I have a few thistles we let blossom to dry for tea, and the goldfinches, hummingbirds and butterflies simply love them.
Kansas City is still not normal functionality for many things and my mom loves gardens. So my solution, for being under par myself and not being able to do normal things, was to do a driving tour of the city with stops at a couple of the gardens. We went to Jacob Loose park for their beautiful rose gardens and then to Kaufman Gardens, both of which are free and open year round, though prettiest in May to early July. Anya climbed trees and tried to encourage Ian to try as well. It was good fun. We all had a good time and everyone benefitted from some calm fun in the sun.
After our day of sunshine and flowers, I drove mom home to Iowa. I was sad to have to let her go, and I sincerely hope it is not the last time I see her. I know she feels like she has lived a full life and she tells me over and over that she is ready to go home. She says her body hurts frequently and she’s just looking forward to seeing her divine family. We have a genetic heinze-57 mix in our family, but heavy on Irish, Scottish and English. However, mom talks about her dreams of her Irish family and her true love she never found in this life, even having dreams of her horse. I told her I can sympathize and told her of my dreams where I was Quan Yin and Shiva (that brought up a whole discussion of beliefs in reincarnation and how sometimes I feel like I get judged unfairly for cultural strip mining.) Regardless, I appreciate our long conversations and hope there will be more of them. There are some things I still don’t tell my mom, because I simply just know she wouldn’t understand. Her relationship history has not been good, and elements of it leave me knowing she would not understand polyamory. I don’t think she would be mad or upset, just that she is in the state of misunderstanding where you can’t believe that someone would willingly want to do something. So I don’t talk about it, but we do find plenty of other things to talk about. It made for the almost 300 miles back to her home in Iowa much less painful.
On the drive though I was sad to see how much damage the derocho did as it passed through Iowa. The entire I-80 corridor had major damage and it stretched for miles and miles both north and south of 80. Mom was saying that originally they estimated a third of the crops were devastated, but as the damaged plants have dried, they are now suspecting half of the crops are lost. Harvest will begin early to glean how badly everything was damaged. I’m finding myself glad over the fact that I have not consumed corn or soy for a long while now, and that even my meat consumption is lower. The 4 states that were devastated by the storms are all in the top 10 of corn and soybean producers. That means that next year the hogs and cows will have less feed and the myriad of products made from corn and soy will all be much more costly and possibly more scarce. Something I simply will not need to worry about. It does concern me for the rest of the country though.
Anyway, some of the devastation was so intense I just had to try and snap picture as we passed. It may be hard for the untrained eye, so I’ll give you a couple internet images of healthy fields and trees first. The first two are just what a healthy corn crop looks like from the side, 3rd is those healthy fields on a tree line, and last is a healthy soy crop.
Next are the images I managed to snap from the car- sorry for the window glare. What you’ll see: Entire lines of trees with their leaves ripped off, entirely or much more sparse than usual. Corn fields flattened directionally, corn fields with few stalks standing and those are ripped bare; soy fields with huge swaths of brown damaged plants; trees fallen by the thousands many still being cut into usable wood for alternate purposes.
What I didn’t catch was all the businesses and homes with major damage. There simply was too much for me to document properly on my short drive. It is a bit sad for me because I know a much different Iowa and it will take years for the trees to fully recover. Businesses and homes will be rebuilt quickly, a matter of weeks to months and insurance will do its job. Crops will be harvested to the best of their abilities, and there will be an impact, but Iowa farmers have always done good to utilize as much as possible, so if they can salvage they will. What they can’t salvage insurance will cover in the short term and long term people will adjust as needed. We will get through this as much as any disaster.
What it all did do was give me something to shift my focus to gratitude and to see what I do have. Ultimately I spent the rest of my drive back to my home focusing on the good things and seeing that my Atira really is here. It’s not as I have dreamed all these years, but it is here and it’s close enough. I had a solid knowing that I am good enough and my dreams did matter.
My big shiney Atira dome home, for a big poly family, well it’s me and Nathan, kids and pets, in a 3 bedroom ranch in Kansas City. But there is hope for more, and always room to grow.
My mom isn’t in a little dome on the back 40, no she’s in a little brick quad-plex in rural Iowa. But she wouldn’t have had upkeep either way, and she has the peace and quiet in nature that I always wanted to give her. She is mostly content, and though I can’t walk to see her, it’s not really that long or painful of a drive.
My grumpy ass dad that wasn’t even supposed to be at Atira still got to visit and see that all his demeaning behaviors made me a better person than he. Plus he’s being cared for by my sister whom, even without any experience, is probably the better candidate to meet his desires and outdated beliefs.
My business park is really just the clinic; and my significant-other business partners, well they’re not-so-significant-others. Despite having thought the one chiropractor had lots of potential with the energetic connection, I’ve come to terms that it probably won’t go anywhere. And the office manager is a kind hearted woman like my mom, that wants to understand and be helpful, but sometimes just needs others to be understanding for her and her concerns. The both have my heart in much different ways than my dreams of Atira had implied. No less significant though.
My temple is my basement and no gatherings have been accomplished because of Covid. This too will pass.
My affordable, very capable, mechanic that can fix anything is a good man in Merriam.
My stores are scattered all over the metro area.
My Atira community is really another companies’ retirement home that has wonderful people working and living in it. I’m glad that my skills are still of service to them.
My festival grounds are our old stomping grounds out at Camp Gaea, and those too have been put on hold due to Covid. You know if it’s clothing optional, that masks won’t be worn either.
My studio space is a corner of our bedroom, and Nathan’s darkroom is the spare small room in the basement. Our gallery is still manifesting.
And Nathan. He is my everything. He wasn’t supposed to be, there were supposed to be others to share the load. But Nathan does his best. He’s my love, my children’s father, my parent on duty, my home educator, my house husband, my resident photographer, my high priest, my magician, and would-be Gardner. He does everything I ask, mostly in appropriate timing and with little to no complaint. He even finally figured out how to help with income and for that I’m so very grateful. I am mostly amazingly grateful for him in my life, especially since the challenges have begun to subside.
My Atira is here. It’s not perfect and doesn’t match my dreams of many years passed, or designs exactly, but most of it has a current usable manifestation. I am grateful for seeing it come together. I am grateful to see that I do have mad skills and I am enough. I have created a world that I am mostly okay with and I am finally beginning to enjoy. One day maybe I’ll have a more accurate version in comparison to my dream scape, but for now I will enjoy the version I do have. I will continue to help others as I am able, but I now have a sense of things having shifted. I no longer owe anything to anyone. I have done my duties and met all requirements imposed upon me. I am free to be me and enjoy my life in whatever way I choose. Now I get to figure out that means. What is fun for me and how do I want that to play out. Can my spread out sprawling Atira Jr become the compact concise community of my dreams over time. That would be really nice. For now I just get to focus on the fun parts. There are so many fun things I want to do that shouldn’t be too hard.
May you see your journey and all of it’s manifestations. May you understand your place in it all. May you know all the elements of your desires are within reach and that sometimes you just need to widen your gaze. May you see those you care for as being important, regardless of how the relationship manifests. May you know that you have done all you need to do, you are whole and complete and more than enough. You are worthy in God’s eyes. May you know that you have cleared your debts and met imposed expectations. May you understand deeper meanings and reasons for everything in your experience. May you feel your way to greater understanding. May you know your own worth, strength, and knowledge. May you see how your actions benefit this world and help it to continue to function. May you find joy mostly and enjoy the ride called life.