Tag Archives: connection to source

The hardest love of all:

Is to love yourself.

I was thinking about my dad, and those few that don’t want me. I was finding the place of why unconditional love is important. I can not erase that any of them left their mark on my life or my heart. I can not undo the hurts left behind, and acknowledge that my perspective on everything was a large part of why I did get hurt. The frequent emotional and infrequent physical abuse of my father was because he didn’t know any better. He never learned better ways to handle things and no one ever taught him how to control himself. He was taught to rule with an iron fist and had no reason to do anything else. From his perspective he was teaching me valuable lessons. Decades later I have learned valuable lessons, but not the ones he intended.

If you can love the difficult ones to love, then everything else gets easier.

I accept that my father is who he is. He still helped bring me into this world and many of his actions helped me to make it through to adulthood. Even more, some of his better traits have helped me to be successful.

If I hold myself in anger or resentment for the negatives of my childhood I will wipe out and eliminate all of the good things from the same time period. “What fires together wires together.” (“What the bleep do we know” movie) If you practice a thought pattern it makes it harder and harder to reach thoughts that are different. Focusing on the negatives and hurts would make it harder and harder to reach any thoughts of love. That in turn would cause hurt for myself because I was focusing on the worst instead of the best, and creating more of the resulting negative chemical storm in my body.

Up until about 5 years ago I had a mix of thoughts and emotions, which leaned very negative. It was a large reason I battled depression so heavily. My brain had already wired itself to lean more negatively, and had done significant damage to my entire body.

As much as I have every right to carry anger, resentment, hate, even rage over my father and other hurtful situations, I have gotten to a place where it simply isn’t worth it. I respect myself enough to want health and healing, and all of those negatives hold me apart from that. Even past relationships that left me sad or disappointed are a hindrance to the healing I seek.

Over the last five years, thanks to a failed intense personal connection and a book from a therapist, I have slowly begun to shift my mix of thoughts to the more positive spectrum. I’m not perfect and I still very much have a mix. But my mix has crossed from originally imbalanced negative, to 50/50, to now I am imbalanced positively (a very good thing). To me that is a huge relief in my knowing. I am doing so much better than I was.

I am beginning to understand what it means to love myself. It is hard though.

My brain still wants to suck me back to negativity and depression, I have to work at focusing on better thoughts. It is not effortless, just not physically measurable. Most days I win the battle. Sometimes it is very challenging to just come out with the even split.

Then there are moments like the one that triggered this post.

I was trying to translate blog posts of another writer that had come across my blog. I was using Google translate fairly successfully. The second post I attempted to translate went haywire over halfway through. I believe that somehow the data was manipulated. There is the possibility my device has been hacked, I’ve considered that several times over. However, these moments are not in a trackable pattern, they don’t happen consistently. The sporadic nature of these moments leads me to believe the it is somehow caused by energetic or divine intervention. Anyway, essentially the translate function was working great and then 3 paragraphs were translated into 3 phrases which repeated. The one that stuck in my cogs was along the lines of: “it’s not that I don’t love you, I don’t love you, I don’t love you, I don’t love you”. Both of the other instances were the same glitch but different phrases, one about women and one about choices.

I instantly reacted in a particular negative way instantly wanting to connect it to the failed hopeful of a couple years ago that I had gotten so attached to. Then I caught myself and stepped back.

It’s not worth it.

So what they didn’t see me as valuable. So what they didn’t find love for me. So what that they left me hanging without the decency of an explanation or the truth of the things I knew they were hiding. So what they ghosted me and chickened out. So what they couldn’t even tell me to go Eff off. So what they came and went so many times I felt like I was being effed with.

Those are not truly my problems, they are theirs. Mine problem is mostly perspective and alignment. I used that moment of thought to realign.

I will still send my love because I felt them and God only encourages that for me when it is important. I often don’t understand why, but eventually it always becomes clear. I will still love the moments that brought joy. I will still love the good conversations. I will still love that we shared goals, hopes, and dreams. I will still love that despite all the mistakes we both made, there was an element of genuine connection. I will still love the idea of the possibilities which that relationship stirred. I will still love the person on the other end of that energetic cord because they did touch my life and leave me wanting more. I will still love them because I know whether they ever tell me or not, they learned a lot in our interaction. I will love them because their soul felt good and brought me joy when I really needed it. I will still love them because now we both want better endings. I will still love them because everything that happened helped me to focus and become a better person. I will still love them because they are a human trying to get through this difficult thing we call life.

Sadness and disappointment happen, lies and mistakes happen; but it’s all of the reasons to love and keep loving that make the world a better place. It’s the love that heals us and moves us into better places throughout our lives. I would rather have the love, the healing, the relief, and I have finally found a place where with a little mental effort I can usually flip to the positive end of the spectrum. That is priceless and I am eternally grateful.

May you see all the negatives in your life in the best possible way. May you learn to love even the difficult ones to love. May you see that love for others is a way to show yourself love. May you love and respect yourself enough to focus on the positives. May you find the loving relationships you seek. May you find your healing and the health you seek. May you embrace the hardest love of all, that of loving yourself wholley and completely. May you know that God loves you and supports you completely.

Siva Hir Su

List of positive aspects.

Abraham has been reminding me to get off of those things that bother me and focus on what I do want and enjoy.

Yet it seems that I may have been reeled back in. When I was considering resignation I’d had a conversation with my manager about how the residents were dieing from inactivity and the virus didn’t matter. They were not being saved from anything, and I did not desire to participate in the fallacy anymore. After I submitted my resignation they countered with adjustments that the building was making to help avoid the decline and asked if I would stay. I countered again with a statement that I could not in good conscience keep reprimanding adults like clueless children, that they are able to make decisions regarding risk and I respect and honor that. We will see if they still want me knowing I will not separate residents that are not doing exactly as dictated by external rules.

For now I will focus on positive aspects of all the things I love and appreciate:

  • I enjoy helping a community that feels like extended family.
  • I am very appreciative that my opinions, observations, and ethics are respected and honored.
  • I enjoy seeing the residents happy and feeling good.
  • I enjoy knowing that the residents are generally enjoying life and their retirement.
  • I enjoy knowing that they are finally finding ways to allow others to be of assistance and allowing God to meet their needs.
  • I enjoy quality conversations with the residents, especially when there is genuine concern and/or connection.
  • I love knowing that the residents do still want to really LIVE and have and make choices. They want free will and a reason to keep co-creating.
  • I really appreciate that most of the residents want to stay healthy and they are beginning to understand that is more than just avoiding disease.
  • I understand that like me they sometimes have mixed desires that seem to cause conflict, but I know it is possible for us all to allow God to find the solution for our “both” moments.
  • I love seeing their smiles and really appreciate that they come out in larger numbers to see me when I’m there.
  • I love the residents and I am very glad that they love me too.
  • I know they want to find the balance where they still enjoy the end of their life with a better knowing they are safe. I know they would rather be joyful than afraid.
  • I know we all know how to reach for better and that they want to. They will find a way to soothe themselves and return to enjoying life. They will find their quality of life again.
  • I appreciate they are wanting to find a way back to joy and enjoyment.
    • “H” will bake for others again.
    • Happy hours will return soon.
    • Bingo and church will find a way to resume safely.
    • “P” will garden and kibitz like always.
    • “B” will stir discussions as usual.
    • “J” will lead Bible study and help everyone soothe their frayed nerves.
    • “M” will light up the lobby with her smiles and chat with everyone that is willing.
  • I love knowing I am wanted and respected.
  • New residents will finally be able to meet their neighbors and make friends.
  • I extremely appreciate that we all now have a new understanding and appreciation for the freedoms we had 3 months ago.
  • I love that people are coming together to protect our freedoms.
  • I love that there are many voices of reason that are finally being acknowledged.
  • I love that people are now grasping a better understanding of what really helps maintain health and knowing that we need reasons to live to stay healthy, virus or not.
  • I am grateful that even within my residents there were those that were not afraid and wanted to stay as active as possible.
    • “N” went for drives every day.
    • Some kept appointments even though it meant staying in their rooms otherwise.
    • “G” went for walks and drives depending on the day.
    • “S” went for runs, and an 86 year old running is to be congratulated every day!!!
    • Many enjoyed patio time, even when the building was instructed to remove patio furniture.
    • Several elected to stay with family during this time.
  • I am grateful that those with more overall health concerns had family or paid caregivers to look after them and help them maintain their buoyancy and keep them from declining too fast. There was someone for them that cared about their overall well being and made sure the whole picture was accounted for. I wished everyone had had that.
  • I am grateful that everyone was safe, staff did become extra cautious with sanitization efforts, and those that needed healthcare did have access to what was needed.
  • I am grateful that the only lives lost were those that were already headed to their final days.
  • I am grateful that there will be more efforts at reversing or slowing the decline of those that suffered from the inactivity.

Also, positive aspect of other points in my life:

  • I enjoy working with those focused on living and enjoying life.
  • I enjoy knowing that there are many people focused on true health and that my efforts are on the right track.
  • I like sharing information on things that promote genuine health.
  • I like finding common ground with those around me.
  • I am super appreciative that there are enough people focused on better that the world is beginning to turn around, especially enough that we may have avoided a collective co-creation of something worse.
  • I am grateful that acute traumas and diseases are treatable and that even when dis-ease causes a problem there are medical tools to help people regain health.
  • I look forward to a day when medicine finds better solutions for non-acute disease in the same way.
  • I am grateful that I made it through all of this mess with minimal inconveniences.
  • I realized today, after being reminded my contract check was available, that I have managed to find a stable vibration of feeling fairly financially secure. I’m no longer so worried about finances that I find myself impatient for payday. I look forward to even more financial improvement.
  • I’m grateful that this disease was not as bad as projected. It was a very powerful learning tool for the future. Perhaps we will learn how to sustainably control disease easier so that future new diseases are no more bothersome than our yearly flu season. I hope we also learn from this and figure out testing and preemeptive actions much more quickly, to act before half the population already had it and got well.
  • I enjoy taking about cool new things that are being discovered and developed, conversations about leading edge thought and adventures.
  • I enjoy seeing my kids having fun and smiling.
  • I love spending time loving on my family, even/especially my furry four legged ones.
  • I have greatly enjoyed working on my wiggly becoming beautiful garden.
  • I love sunshine and sunny weather.
  • I love feeling safe and secure.
  • I love feeling supported.
  • I love being appreciated.
  • I love me and acknowledge more and more often decisions are made because I love myself enough to honor myself and I deserve the easier less painful route.
  • I am grateful that I love myself enough to take care of myself and improve my body because I know it is God’s temple.
  • I love feeling better and better.
  • I love feeling ease and feeling healthy.
  • I am grateful I have the intelligence, strength, perseverance, and divine connection to inspired thought to fix my own health.
  • I love knowing that I have a unique perspective that is grounded. As one of my favorite residents put it: “you are a sensitive soul, but grounded enough to see how things fit, we’ll miss you if you leave”.
  • I love that I love, even when it didn’t work out the way I wanted.
  • I love music, singing, playing piano, even just listening to it.
  • I love art, it lets me easily create beauty to add to this wonderful world.
  • I love mother nature, without our planet we would all die. I enjoy camping and hiking, and just even sitting listening to birds chirp ans thé wind blow.
  • I love flowers and all the pretty things that this world produces. I look forward to my garden blooming and wish I had enough money and space for some of every flower. That would be so beautiful.
  • Even though the squirrels and rabbits keep eating my plants I still think they are cute and I’m glad they exist. I like watching them when they aren’t eating my garden.
  • I love sitting on my porch swing watching kids and birds and pets play and frolic in beautiful weather.
  • I love experiencing all the wonderful parts of our world and look forward to many more wonderful adventures in my life.
  • I love knowing I am having a positive impact on the world and that my thoughts, words and deeds have a ripple effect that helps people I don’t even know.
  • I appreciate that my human-ness is perfectly wonderful to God, flaws and all.
  • I am glad that my good moments now outweigh my past no so good moments.
  • I am grateful that I am able to honor myself more and more, that I see more strengths than weaknesses, that I am seeing improvement in many ways, that I am becoming a better person.

May you have rampages of appreciation. May you see your own value enough to honor yourself. May you find enjoyment in life, more often than not. May you love yourself and the universe. May you love mother nature and find ways to appreciate and support our connection with the Earth. May you find your moments of joy and your love of others. May you see all the positives and ignore all of the negatives. May you feel and foster your connection to the divine. “May the force be with you.”

Siva Hir Su

I’ll leave you with some pictures of my beautiful gardens and family.